Chapter Text
Hailey closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. One, two, three, four. Exhale. Repeat.
She wasn’t exactly sure why she was so focused on her breathing at this moment. She wasn’t anxious. In fact, there were few things Hailey could think of that would be more relaxing than where she was right now: the stress and chaos of Christmas was finally over, and she was curled up in the corner of the sofa, sweats on and favorite blanket draped over her, admiring the glow of their Christmas tree against the backdrop of the Chicago skyline while she waited for her husband to arrive home.
It was one of the holiday traditions she recalled enjoying from her earliest years, simply taking in the tree during a quiet moment and absorbing the warmth and undefinable magic that emanated from it. Amidst the sea of unpredictability and uncertainty that sometimes accompanied the holiday season, there was always the Christmas tree to serve as a constant reminder that good things could always be found, even in the darkness. Even when the night was anything but silent and holy, the soft glow from the tree provided Hailey with a hope that happiness was nearby. Much like the assurance she garnered from the stars on any given night, she was drawn to the twinkle lights as the physical manifestation that there was more out there for her.
She wouldn’t be trapped forever.
And if she thought that her fascination with the Christmas tree would fade as she got older and her life became more stable… well, her current circumstances would seem to disprove that theory. Hailey wasn’t hiding, tonight. She wasn’t avoiding her problems, or imagining herself in a completely different scenario like she would when she was a little girl. No, tonight’s silence was more like contemplation. Giving into her habit of gazing absentmindedly at the tree was less about fanciful dreams for a better future, and more a device she was using to process everything she had talked about in therapy that day.
Maybe that explained the square breathing. It wasn’t an attempt to keep a panic from running amok, just her thoughts. Sometimes her ruminations escalated rapidly if she wasn’t intentional about keeping them reined in, and they were bountiful on this chilly winter evening.
If Hailey had been thinking ahead, she probably would have asked to reschedule the therapy session that fell so soon after Christmas. But she hadn’t; she felt like it was all she could do to keep her head above water for the past month, and her meetings with Steven had been a lifeline to her. A crucial component of keeping her mind centered when there were so many other things vying for Hailey’s attention. So of course she dutifully kept to the plan. For all she knew, it was the only thing keeping her functional.
The odd holiday scheduling and the lack of new cases at the district meant she had trekked out to the office for an in-person visit today. It had been a minute, but her muscle memory still led her straight to the correct office without any detours. But, somehow, the process still felt somewhat foreign to Hailey. She was struck with awkwardness anew as she exchanged pleasantries with Steven and he began the session the same way he always did: asking her how she was doing.
In. Count to four. Out. And again…
How was she doing? She was alive, and mostly happy about that fact, so she was fine, right?
So that was what she said. But like the skilled therapist he was, Steven had steered her toward more pertinent questions, more perplexing feelings, deeper doubts and worries that had been hovering beneath the surface all week. And Hailey wasn’t even mad about it, because she understood that was the whole purpose of keeping up with these meetings: to allow herself to access emotions that didn’t really feel like they belonged anywhere else. But it still unnerved her a little, just how easily her therapist drew them out of her. And then, when the hour was over, she had a choice to make. She could gather up the feelings, now that they had been labeled and sorted into piles, and put them back where they came from. Or, she could carry them home with her and show them to Jay, let him inspect them and maybe even appreciate them before shoving them back into place.
Inhale. Four count. Exhale. Repeat…
It could have been worse. It could have been one of those sessions where she ugly cried and made realizations that made her want to throw rocks at something made of glass. She supposed it marked some sort of progress that today’s meeting looked more like a venting session than a painful journey of self discovery. But that also meant that the aftermath was a bit of a letdown, too. Her feedback today was little more than simple validation that sometimes things suck, and you just have to be gentle and take care of yourself until circumstances improve.
“Not everything is a lesson,” Steven had told her when she opened up about her fear that this time of year might always be hard for her. “Sometimes, when we know that we’re being placed in a difficult position, the best we can hope for is someone to bear witness to our pain. To allow us to acknowledge it and walk through it with us.”
Bear witness. Breathe in. It sounded like such an antiquated phrase. Hold… But she knew exactly what he meant. Breathe out. Allowing someone else to see that side of her. And scarier still, not acting like it didn’t bother her. Repeat.
She wasn’t invincible. She didn’t have to be. And pretending anything to the contrary was just a waste of time.
She was just about to begin another cycle when she heard the sound of her husband maneuvering his keys into the lock.
“Hailey?” he called. “You here?”
“Yep, over here. Just enjoying the scenery.”
He chuckled, the sound of plastic bags rustling as he put down his things and made his way towards her. “You and your lights. What are you going to do when we take the tree down?”
“Well, lucky for me, the city stays pretty lit even after the holidays. But I do hate it when people take everything down the day after. What’s the rush?”
“I guess they’re just eager to restore everything to normal. And people with real trees are probably tired of dealing with them by then.”
“I guess that’s what I don’t get,” she explained, scooting her feet out of the way to make room for Jay beside her on the couch. “People make such a big deal about a single day; basically all of December is just a buildup to it, you know? It feels weird to anticipate it so long before, and then rush it to be over. Why not try to stretch the magic out as long as you can?”
“I’m guessing you never had to vacuum around a live Christmas tree.”
“Small price to pay,” she commented, giving his thigh a gentle nudge with her toes. “What’d you bring me?”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “Is it even the day after Christmas if you don’t eat Chinese food?”
“And I’m guessing you’ve never experienced a true Greek Christmas if you think that’s the case.”
“I guess maybe we need to communicate a little more about our expected holiday traditions. But at the very least, I figured some egg drop soup might soothe your throat,” he explained. But instead of either of them moving from their spots on the sofa to retrieve the food, Jay ran his hand up and down her shin before settling it on her ankle. “How was your day? How was therapy?”
Hailey gave him a noncommittal shrug, still unsure how to adequately relay her thoughts.
“How are you feeling?” he tried again. “Scale of one to ten?”
Hailey gave a sad smile at the familiar question. “You haven’t asked me that in a while.”
Jay pulled his hand away to scratch the back of his neck before returning it to its place on her leg. “It hasn’t felt as necessary lately,” he admitted bashfully. “It’s not been as difficult to talk about stuff, I think. But it’s been a really long week, and I just want to make sure I know where you are.”
The all-too-familiar prickle of tears teasing the corners of her eyes was immediate and strong, so Hailey just nodded silently while she thought about his question. But the emotions swimming through her mind felt way too complex to quantify, so finally she gave her husband the most succinct summary she could muster. “My head hurts,” she answered, the tears she had been trying to suppress appearing as soon as she allowed herself to be honest.
And even after all these years, the tender look in Jay’s eyes was her undoing. The fact that she could reveal her true self to him, to allow him access to her ugly and twisted inner workings that betrayed her weakness and vulnerability and confusion, only to be met with understanding and compassion and love… well, it nearly broke her. And considering how broken Hailey already felt, it really was an impressive feat.
“I know, Hails,” he said simply. “And I’m sorry.”
He extended an arm to her, an unspoken invitation that he didn’t need to repeat aloud. Hailey didn’t hesitate to push herself up and over to nestle herself into her husband’s arms. His chest was still cool from the outside air, but even so it felt warmer somehow than the fleece throw blanket she had been under. Everything about Jay holding her felt right, even against the backdrop of turmoil that was still clouding her mind. So she didn’t bother fighting the tears any longer. If they were going to demand an outlet (and didn’t they always, in one form or another?), Hailey could think of no better mode to allow them expression than by letting them fall onto Jay’s strong shoulders.
It wasn’t a torrent; not like previous crying jags where the outburst came in agonizing sobs and gasps. Just a single tear making its way down her cheek. And just when it dropped off or slid down her neck, another appeared. With such a constant and gentle stream, Hailey felt no need to wipe them away. There was no reason to hide, so Hailey let them fall, only sniffling occasionally in her effort to control them.
Jay too kept his hands otherwise occupied, rubbing soothing circles on her back or running them slowly through her hair. He said nothing, preferring to let his actions speak for him in this intimate moment. But the quiet wasn’t hollow; it didn’t echo with desolation and sadness. Instead, it felt as though it were making room for the immensity of what she felt inside. And with every tear that escaped, Hailey was offering pieces of herself back to the universe that had thrust them onto her to begin with. There was no opposition or struggle in the silence, only acceptance. So even though her husband’s response was minimal, in that moment, it was everything to her.
She wasn’t sure how long they had sat there before Jay eventually offered, “Do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head vehemently against his chest, unwilling to break up the peace she was feeling by trying to explain it all. And he clearly understood, assuring her with a kiss to the top of her head before leaning further back into the sofa. And even without words, his message again was clear: he was going to sit with her for however long she wanted. He was holding space for anything she needed to express.
And Hailey had to admit, it wasn’t the kind of Christmas spirit she had been looking for when she plopped down in front of the tree earlier that evening. But she was starting to think that perhaps it was the kind that she needed. As they sat together in the glow coming from their holiday decorations, she realized that she no longer needed to consciously remind herself to slow her breathing down; it had relaxed all on its own.
But before it could relax her all the way to sleep, Jay nudged her and coaxed her up. “Come on,” he urged, “let’s get some of that soup in you before you completely zonk out.”
She called out of work the next day.
It would have worried Jay, coming home from his morning workout to find her still in bed, if he hadn’t detected the exhaustion last night that was obviously more than just physical. He wasn’t sure he could recall the last time Hailey had willingly skipped out on a day at the district, but he was not going to complain that she was taking the initiative to look after herself. Whatever that was that plagued her last night, she was taking it seriously.
So now he had to figure out how seriously he needed to regard it, so he could call out himself if she needed him. He ran through the options while he quickly showered, and mentioned his concern to her once he emerged.
“That’s not necessary, Jay,” she mumbled, shielding her eyes against the bathroom light before snuggling further beneath the blankets. “I just need a little breather.”
He ran the towel roughly through his hair before tossing it haphazardly on the floor. He would have to remember to grab it later. “I’m worried about you, Hailey,” he said with a sigh.
“I know,” she admitted, “and I’m sorry. But it’s not that serious. I slept. I’ve been taking my meds. I just want a break, not an excuse to do something stupid.”
“Well, that’s good to hear, but it’s not just your mental health I’m worried about.” He crossed over to her side of the bed and rested his hand against her forehead. “Do you need to see a doctor? You feel a little warm.”
Hailey pulled his hand from her head and intertwined her fingers with his, then used it to tug him down next to her. “I’m warm because I’m still in bed, Jay. And you’re right that I’m not at my best right now, physically or emotionally. But I think… that’s why I’m taking the day off. My body is screaming for rest. So let me try a lazy day at home before we bring in the professionals.”
She raised a good point, Jay had to admit. And perhaps a day off would benefit her more than a day spent in doctors’ offices or in line at the pharmacy. “And you would tell me, right? If you were having any dark thoughts?”
“I did last time. Remember?” Hailey replied before amending, “At least, I tried to.”
“Yes, you did,” he muttered, more to remind himself of that fact than to agree with his wife. “You won’t let my unsatisfactory response that night keep you from reaching out again if you need to, right?”
She couldn’t completely disguise the frustration in her sigh as she answered, “Yes, Jay, you are still the first person I’d call. But I promise, this isn’t the same at all. I just really feel like I could use a little alone time.”
“All right, Upton,” he agreed, at last satisfied that his presence would not remedy whatever was ailing her today, “I’m going to hold you to that. Can you at least let me know what you have an appetite for? So maybe I can at least swing by the store on my way home and not be completely useless to you?”
“You’re not useless,” she said with a smirk, rolling over and burying her face into her pillow.”
“That didn’t answer my question…”
“I’ll think about it and get back to you?”
Jay stood, hands on his hips while he took in the scene before him. “Why do I get the feeling that you aren’t going to move from this bed for several more hours?”
“Probably because you are a very good detective,” she answered without hesitation.
“You are something else,” he chuckled, moving to finish getting ready for his own day at work. “I should have just left a bunch of coal in your stocking this year.”
“There’s always next year.”
“Okay, but seriously, Hail, you need nutrition. If I bring you some oatmeal, will you eat it?”
Her delay in responding made him wonder if she already fell back asleep on him. But then she asked, “Will you bring me some tea, too?”
“Hailey Anne, I will bring you the entire Chicago Mag restaurant list if it would make you feel better.”
“Well, that’s excessive,” she grinned. “Let’s start with tea and oatmeal, yeah?”
“Whatever you say, darling.”
It turned out that it would have been a bad day for him to skip out on work, anyway. A case they thought they had wrapped up last month hit a snag when their offender was found dead in his jail cell. So Jay and Benitez were on their way to Stateville first thing to assess the scene.
“What do you think?” his partner asked him. “Did one of the other Hustlers put a green light on him, or did his guilt drive him to suicide?”
“Hard to say until we get down there,” Jay answered, trying not to wince upon hearing the word ‘suicide’ being dropped so casually into everyday conversation. “I have a feeling the security tapes will answer a lot of our questions.”
“Yeah, assuming they haven’t been conveniently erased. Or broken.”
“Eh, we’ll figure it out. Someone on that cell block will be willing to roll in exchange for better accommodation.”
Benitez chuckled. “I can tell you’re still new to Narcotics. Those gang members will take their secrets to the grave, if they have to. I mean, just look at what happens to the ones who don’t, even if they give it up accidentally.”
“Okay, first of all,” Jay began, “don’t forget I was with Intelligence for a decade; okay, I have plenty of experience with disgruntled gang members. And secondly, this crime occurred inside the jail. Every person who has set foot in those walls has DNA on record. Between that, hopefully functional cameras, cooperative CO’s, and an autopsy that will probably show that this wasn’t self-inflicted… We might not even need witnesses. But if you’re discreet and fair about what you offer in return, you might be surprised what some people will be willing to talk about. You know, coming from a rookie.”
“Get out of here,” Benitez replied, giving his shoulder a playful shove. “Enough of that. How was your Christmas?”
Jay became somber once more. “It was all right. I was on the clock, you know, been working since then. So uneventful. What about you?”
“Can’t complain,” his partner answered. “It’s been nice having Jacob home from college, but I forgot how much that kid can eat. I think our grocery bill will be doubled this month, so I might need a little OT of my own. But it’s great all being together again.” He paused for a second before asking, “You and the wife don’t have any kids, right?”
“Nope. Just us. Just Hailey and me.”
“You trying?”
“Geez, Eddie! You can’t just ask people that! It’s personal.”
Benitez looked at him out of the corner of his eye, taking his view off the road briefly. “Tone it down, Halstead, we’re partners! I was just asking. You know, thirty years ago, you would always assume a couple without kids just didn’t want any. But now, it seems everybody knows someone who’s having fertility trouble. Hell, Margaret’s niece tried for years before they decided to adopt. Then they got a positive pregnancy test on the kid’s first birthday. So I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.”
Jay could only shake his head in bemusement. “And what if I told you that wasn’t the issue? That Hailey and I don’t feel like it’s a good time to bring a child into the world?”
“Then I would tell you that neither of you are getting any younger. Not that it matters for you, but women have a pretty short window.”
Jay groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “Okay, Eddie, enough of this. I don’t need a sex-ed lesson from you, and for your sake, I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just call my wife old.”
“I did not!”
“You strongly insinuated it.”
Benitez had no response for that, so the two of them sat silently for a moment beneath a tension that felt equal parts playful and genuine. Fortunately, his partner found the sense to break it up.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Eddie said. “I didn’t mean to be invasive. It’s just that my kids are the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t know who I’d be today without Jacob and Natalie. But I guess I shouldn’t assume that that’s what you and your wife are aiming for.”
Jay nodded solemnly, pondering what exactly it meant that Benitez was sharing so honestly with him. It had been a long time since he had felt close enough to a partner to talk so freely, but even then, that had come from a connection so profound that he ended up marrying that partner. Getting too close to coworkers had led to some problems in the past, but he was just now realizing how closed off that had made him. The guy he had been riding with for months hadn’t even known whether they had kids; Jay wasn’t even sure he knew Hailey’s name.
The same guy he was entrusting his life to, and who was trusting him in return, every time they left the comfort of their district barely knew anything about him. It was a far cry from the codependency at the twenty-first, but maybe he could find a happy medium. Maybe it would be nice to have a confidant who wasn’t so intertwined in his life that it was impossible to be objective. Maybe he wouldn’t be missing his brother so much if he had another reliable outlet to unload his thoughts upon. Almost like a friend.
“You know,” Jay started slowly, “my wife - Hailey - she, um… she had a pretty rough childhood. And she’s not really sure that’s something she wants to pass on, you know? She’s still trying to process everything so it doesn’t rule her life, but… it affects her. So, yeah. Kids right now are a pretty low priority for us.”
There. That counted as opening up, right? A little vulnerability, but still sufficiently vague to protect Hailey’s privacy. It felt weird, but not altogether bad.
“That’s understandable,” Benitez grumbled. “Plus, she’s on the job, too, right? Basically impossible to raise kids on these hours.”
“Yeah, that’s an issue, too,” Jay answered. “And she’s definitely not ready to give it up, and I would never ask her to. Although, we do have some friends in Intelligence that are doing it somehow. Best nanny in the world, I guess.”
“More power to them,” Benitez said. “I guess I was lucky to have Margaret running things at home so I could focus on the job.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the 1960’s anymore, Eddie,” Jay teased. “Women have rights now. Well, kind of.”
“You better watch it, wise guy, or I’ll show you some of our old school police tactics that have fallen out of favor. Then we’ll see who’s talking.”
“Okay, boomer,” Jay replied, ducking just in time to avoid the backhand aimed at his head. And while he wouldn’t say he was in a good mood once they arrived at the prison, he would definitely say he was feeling lighter than he had been all day.
There were two text messages waiting for him when he got his phone back upon exiting the high-security facility. The first was from Hailey.
Don’t worry, I’m not dead! Just slept for a couple hours then sat in the shower for what felt like another. But I think the steam loosened some of this stuff in my head, because my taste buds seem to be waking up and I’m craving French fries. Is that something you can manage?
For sure. You want homemade or from anywhere particular?
I don’t even care as long as they’re properly salted and greasy.
Copy. Our case took a turn so I might be later than normal, but I will get you your fries, my love
Looking forward to it. Please be safe
The second message, which he opened with much less enthusiasm, was from Voight. It simply said, “Hailey doing okay?”
Jay toyed around with a few potential responses to his query, but the one he kept coming back to seemed to be the safest option.
You’re going to have to ask her about that yourself.
But before he could pocket his phone and push the matter totally out of his head to focus on their case, Jay hesitated. As much as his own feelings for his former sergeant hovered between apathy and disdain, he knew Hank wouldn’t have reached out unless he was concerned. And while Jay believed his reply had been sufficient to imply that nothing was monumentally wrong with his wife, he was also well aware that his vagueness might raise more questions than answers. So he quickly added to his message.
But yes, she’s fine.
And then he felt much better about putting his phone away and turning his attention to their findings at Stateville. Because they had a murder to solve, and he didn’t want to waste any more time thinking about Hank Voight.