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Hailey dialed the number before she thought better of it. She figured she could talk to anyone at the squad; but she also didn’t want to. The entire sixteen months Jay was in Bolivia they hadn’t really reached out that much and had just stopped when Hailey kept pushing them away. Maybe it was just as much her fault; but a small part of her couldn't shake the fact that if they really cared, they would have tried harder.
Besides, she didn’t want rumors about her leaving Intelligence before she even made a decision one way or another. Hailey had also realized that talking to Amanda was just easier than most people in her life - except maybe Jay. It also helped that they were similar in a lot of ways; went through similar childhoods - have had the same reactions towards past relationships; how they still kind of kept good things at arm’s length. It was something only someone who grew up in an abusive household would understand.
“Hailey?”
“Amanda hey,” Hailey said and was silently cursing how shaky her voice was.
“Are you okay?” Amanda’s voice was full of concern. “Are things with you and Jay okay?”
Hailey sighed, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “We’re working back to normal, I think. We got through the Holidays just fine. I just don’t think we’re back to us yet…
“It’ll probably take more than just a few months before that happens.”
“Yeah, I figured. I just…I feel like we’re kind of at a stand still right now.”
“Why?”
“I think it has to do with Intelligence and Voight’s shadow looming over us,” Hailey finally admitted, pushing off the couch. “I’m not sure where we go from here or if Intelligence is still the place for either of us.”
There’s a noise in the background on the other end of the phone and Hailey can image one of Amanda’s girls pulling her attention away. Hailey vaguely heard Amanda’s response to whatever she was asked before she was back on the phone.
“Sorry - got a five year old that’s constantly asking questions.”
Hailey waved her away. “You’ve got a full house, don’t worry about it. I should be apologizing for calling you out of the blue.”
“Hailey, when I told you I’d be here if you ever wanted to talk. I meant it - busy life and three kids under ten or not.”
Hailey stared down at her feet as she started slowly pacing back and forth across the living room. “I guess it’s still kind of hard to reach out to people.”
Amanda chuckled. “Trust me I’ve been there. And I’ve also been at a crossroads where I’ve not known what decision to make regarding my life and my career - twice actually in a damn year.”
“Maybe I’m just taking on too much at once.”
“You don’t have to make any decisions right now if it doesn’t feel right.”
Hailey continued pacing across the floor, tapping her free hand against her thigh, being unable to stay still. “I guess I’m just wondering too much about if leaving is even the right choice.”
“Well, you won’t know that unless you do it,” Amanda said, softly. “And you know, maybe it won’t be the right choice; or maybe it’ll be the best choice you can make - but you won’t know that –”
“Unless I try,” Hailey finished for her.
“Exactly. Like I said, I’ve been there. And while, my job change wasn’t for me - that doesn’t necessarily mean it won’t be for you. If you decide that.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
Amanda laughed loudly at that. “Well I don't want to give you that impression; because it’s probably going to be anything but.”
“Figured.”
“How are things with Intelligence anyway?”
That seemed like a loaded question and Hailey figured that how she answered would tell her everything she needed to know about whether to leave or not. “The same they were before,” - Before Roy Walton and Anna and everything else - “But I think a part of me is always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“Then maybe leaving is the right choice,” Amanda said as if it was the simplest thing in the world.
Hailey had found a home within Intelligence, enjoyed the team enough; but she knew deep down, it would have to be either them or Voight in the end. Someone was going to have to leave for her to know peace.
“Maybe.”
The door opened, drawing Hailey’s attention towards Jay as he walked in, pizza box balanced on one hand and a case of beer in the other. Their gazes locked and she smiled at him.
“You know, why don't you and Jay just get away from Chicago for a weekend or something. Take time away and figure it out.”
“What,” Hailey started, before her brain fully caught up to what Amanda had just said. “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”
“Might help you clear your head too.”
“Thanks Amanda,” Hailey said before hanging up the phone.
“You and Rollins have been talking a lot lately,” Jay commented as he walked towards the kitchen island, sitting the pizza and beer down. .
Hailey nodded, walking forward and siting her phone down on the counter; before she set to getting the plates down. It was their normal routine and for the first time in the two months since he’d been back - there wasn’t underlying tension in the air.
“She’s easy to talk to,” Hailey turned around and set the plates on the island. “I guess it also helps that she’s kind of been here before.”
“You said something sounded like a good idea?” Jay edged slowly as he pulled out a piece of pizza and set it on a plate.”
“Amanda suggested we get out of Chicago.”
“Well we could spend a weekend up at my family’s cabin or something,” Jay told her, sheepishly as if he was still kind of unsure to suggest it. “If that’s something you’d want. Or we could do something completely different.”
Hailey thought about it, just her and Jay snuggled away from everything and everyone - space to think, to talk , to figure some things out. Without Chicago and Intelligence looming over them. She’d been to the Halstead family cabin before - a handful of times over the course of their relationship and she’d enjoyed the quiet nature of it.
“We could go to Wisconsin.”
Jay looked up with a smile on his face. “You’re sure?”
Hailey nodded. “Yeah.”
It took another few weeks to get everything together - for Voight to allow the time off; but they were finally getting ready to head out for a weekend. Hailey slipped into the passenger side as Jay threw their duffle bags into the backseat.
Hailey could already feel a weight off her shoulders as Jay hit the highway and they weren’t even technically out of Chicago yet. She silently thanked Amanda for being that extra push she needed, to actually talk to Jay. Instead of holding him at arm’s length.
Hailey leaned the seat back, settling her feet on the dash and the map over her lap. It wasn’t really necessary for them to have a map considering Jay knew exactly where they were going. However, if they were going to have a road trip, Hailey wanted it to be as realistic and normal - even if it was a bit cheesy - as possible. So she’d insisted on the map.
“I know where we’re going,” Jay commented as if he could read her thoughts.
Hailey turned her head towards him, with a smirk on her face. “It’s what you’re supposed to do.”
Jay laughed. “If you say so.”
Hailey sighed, relishing in the sound of Jay’s laugh - it was almost like they were back to normal. As if they were back to them - they were, but they weren’t - not exactly; but Hailey could feel them heading in the right direction, getting back to who they were before Bolivia and a sixteen month distance almost broke them.
She glanced out of the window, resting her head against the glass, watching as the scenery flew by. Jay leaned his arm on the console between the two of them and Hailey couldn’t help but reach out and grab his hand, interlocking their fingers
“This will be good for us,” Hailey said, firmly
“Yeah
Hailey spent most of the rest of the drive, watching as the scenery turned from cities to more rural towns; the only sounds in the truck was the soft music coming from the speakers. It was comforting, it was them
It was just half past noon when Jay pulled off the highway and Hailey noticed that they were headed the wrong way, they still had a few more miles to go to get to the cabin. She turned towards Jay. “Where are we going?”
“Figured we could stop for some lunch,” Jay told her, slowly bringing the truck to a stop as they came to the end of the off ramp. “And pick up some groceries and things for the cabin
Hailey glanced out the window as Jay continued driving down the road and she soon realized that she did know where they were going. It was a little mom and pop restaurant tucked away behind a gas station - the same one that they’d frequented during their visits to the cabin
They slipped into a booth in the far left corner - the same one they’ve sat at before - just simply out of habit. They haven’t been here in well over a year and yet the muscle memory didn’t leave
“Thank you,” Jay said, suddenly after the waitress had dropped off their food and refilled their drinks
Hailey just raised her eyebrow, her hand holding a couple of french fries, frozen halfway between her plate and mouth
“For giving me a chance,” Jay told her, leaning back against the booth. “For suggesting this getaway. I know that it hasn’t been easy for you… trusting me again after what I did; but I appreciate it
Hailey chewed slowly and swallowed before answering. “Well technically Amanda suggested we get away but I am glad I took her advice…It already feels different,” she admitted after a while
The smaller town was quieter than Chicago, that much was given; but it was more than that and maybe something that Hailey couldn’t quite put her finger on, couldn’t quite explain just how it was different, just that it was
Hailey mindlessly wandered next to Jay in the little grocery store they came to, absentmindedly throwing some snacks in the cart, while he focused on the actual ingredients they would need to cook meals. It was normal - it was them, and it felt no different than any of the countless times they’ve done it since they’ve gotten together
“We do need actual food, Hails
“You seem to have a fairly good handle on that,” Hailey took a notice of some of the ingredients Jay had slipped into the cart and smirked. “Are you planning something, Halstead?”
Jay just hummed in response. “Maybe I’ve got things to make up for, so I’m trying to make my wife’s favorite meal.”
Hailey smirked, tapping her fingers across the top of the cart as they continued to walk down the aisles. “Sounds like she roped one of the good ones.”
“He’s trying.”
They turned their heads towards each other, slowly to a stop in the middle of the aisle as their gazes met, so many words silently passed between them. It was as if they were the only two people in their private place instead of in the middle of a public small town’s grocery store.
Hailey was suddenly reminded of the instance she walked in on between Amanda and Carisi outside of an interrogation room when Intelligence was working a joint case with SVU. Some of the words the older detective gave her also came back to her.
And if Jay’s the one, don’t let it slip through your fingers.
You deserve to be happy, Hailey.
“I know he is,” Hailey said, smiling. “And I appreciate that he clearly cares just as much as I do to want to fix this.”
Hailey was curled up on the couch, her feet tucked under her, holding a beer bottle while Jay tended to the fireplace, just starting a small fire to get the chill out of the cabin. She sat there, doing more picking at the label than she did actually drinking said beer.
“You okay?” Jay asked, pulling back from the fireplace, walking the distance between and taking a seat on the opposite side of the couch.
“Yeah,” Hailey said, slowly, dropping her hand. “Guess I’m just trying to brace myself for the conversation.”
“Ripping the band aid off,” Jay responded, leaning forward and grabbing his own beer bottle he’d left on the coffee table. “I have been talking to my old Seregant -”
“You’re thinking about going back to Organized Crime?” Hailey asked, suddenly - not meaning to cut him off but also not being able to stop the words tumbling from her mouth.”
“I mean it could be a possibility; but I was mostly just trying to shoot ideas off of him,” Jay took a sip of his beer and took another few moments before continuing. “Usually you’d probably go to your current Sergeant for advice but I wasn’t going to Voight with that .”
Hailey nodded, she could understand that. She definitely didn't see herself going to Voight for advice - which was why she went to Trudy.
“Sarge, can I talk to you for a second?” Hailey asked, leaning over the desk and keeping her voice in a whisper.
Trudy didn’t say anything, just tilted her head gesturing towards a back hallway of the district, Hailey just followed her. Trudy came to a stop just behind a water cooler before turning towards the younger detective. “Alright, what’s with all this cloak and dagger stuff.”
Hailey chuckled slightly. “You’re the one who chose this spot.”
Trudy raised an eyebrow
“I’ve been thinking.. About life outside Intelligence,” Hailey said quickly, ripping the band aid off. “There’s got to be something different out there for me.”
Trudy nodded. “Given the past few years, I can’t say that I blame you. You’ve been through a lot here.”
“I just don’t know if it’s the right call.”
“If you were completely okay with staying in Intelligence, you wouldn’t be thinking about looking elsewhere.”
Hailey sighed, she knew Trudy was right - the older Seregant usually was. Maybe there was a part of her that knew she wouldn't long for Intelligence anymore - you didn’t think about looking for other places if you were genuinely happy where you were.
“You’ll be a good cop wherever you go, Upton. I can put some feelings out, see what’s opening,” she held up her hand. “Quitely of course and get back to you.”
Hailey glanced up at her. “Thanks Sarge.”
“No problem.”
A week later, Hailey had options of opening in other units sitting in her inbox from Trudy - starting from where Trudy believed she’d fit in the most.
“He did mention that the academy is looking for a trainer,” Jay continued, pulling Hailey out of her reverie . I figured I could try that out while I decide where I want to go in the force on a more permanent basis.”
“You could train the new recruits to be good police,” Hailey said, immediately. She could easily see it now - Jay Halstead leading new recruits to be the best they could be, turning them into cops that the CPD desperately needed.
“It would also give me some downtime to study for the Sergeant’s exam.”
“Sergeant Halstead, huh?”
“Like you said at one point, running Intelligence was once my dream and while I don’t really care about that anymore… I still want to run my own unit.”
“You were always meant for that, Jay.”
“I definitely can’t swing the exam this spring; but I could hopefully be ready for the one in the fall.”
“By this time next year, you could very well be in charge of your own unit,” Hailey said with a smile.
Jay sighed, leaning back against the couch, laying his right arm over the back of it. “If all goes well anyway. Though, that’s lower on the list of my priorities of where I want to be next year.”
“Jay –”
“My main priority is us being back to us .”
Hailey reached across the space between them with her free hand, laying it on his leg. “We’re going to get back there. Gonna have to get away from intelligence completely first.”
“You really are set on leaving then?”
Hailey nodded. “I talked to Platt, she told me I’d be a good cop anywhere I go and she put out some feelers for me; emailed me some options. Definitely did not keep quiet on her own opinions on them either.”
Jay laughed. “Sounds like Platt… So what are you thinking?”
Hailey took a long swig of her beer before responding. “She put a highlight on the Special Investigations Unit and I think…maybe….for some reason that’s the one that’s stood out to me.”
“Maybe working with SVU has had some kind of effect on you,” Jay responded, leaning forward and sitting his beer bottle on the coffee table again. “And well, I’ve seen how you are on cases involving kids for years, Hailey and Platt sees it too if that’s the one she highlighted.”
“And they have an opening,” Hailey told him, her gazing moving to the window, looking out towards the lake. “I could put in for a transfer as soon as we’re back in the city if that’s what I want.”
“Is it?” Jay asked hesitantly.
Hailey pulled her gaze back towards Jay. “I want us to be good again, to be us again. Hell, I was to be me again and I can’t be me in Intelligence anymore.”
“Here’s to a new chapter in our lives.”
After another check in with Amanda, Hailey had put in a transfer Tuesday morning after returning to the city, once again thanking the other woman.
“Special Investigations huh?” there was an underlying tease in Amanda’s tone, making Hailey smile.
“I guess something rubbed off on me while I was in New York.”
“That’s probably not the only reason,” Amanda said, softly and so simply.
Hailey knew Amanda didn’t have to expand on that, with her family history, Hailey had a unique experience with a lot of the cases the SIU dealt with on a regular basis. “Potentially,” and well if Hailey could be even half the cop for some little kid that Trudy was for her at one point, then it would all be worth it.
Hailey’s last day at Intelligence was a month later and she’d walked into the district with Jay by her side for the last time. She’d quickly cleaned out her desk with Jay’s help and she could feel Voight’s eyes on her from his office; but she didn’t care.
She was finally free.
“We’re gonna miss you, Upton,” Kevin said, coming to a stop next to her - old - desk.
“You’re not going to get rid of me that easily,” she responded, lightly punching his shoulder. “I’m still going to be around, we’re just not working together anymore.”
Kevin pulled her into a hug and usually she’d fight and argue; but this one time, she relented. When he pulled away, there was a smile on his face. “You’re gonna do good things Hailey.”
“Thanks Kev.”
Jay reached for the box of Hailey’s things, carrying it out so she didn’t have to. Hailey took one last look around the squad room, a rush of memories - both good and bad - passed her eyes. There was a lot of pain in this place, especially in the last year and a half. But there was just as much good even if the good was mostly tied to one person.
She glanced down at the black tungsten band that was back at home on her hand and smiled. It was this unit that originally brought them together and was this unit that almost broke them and neither was going to give it a second chance.
She wordlessly said a final goodbye before joining Jay in their final descent from the Intelligence unit.
For the first time in months, Hailey didn’t feel a weight in her chest, trying to swallow her up. She and Jay were working on themselves, on their relationship, to be better than the past. She was no longer scared of losing him or herself.
There was a light at the end of the tunnel and she was ecstatic.