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Hailey just barely had the door pushed open when she stopped in her tracks, the breath knocked out of her, and not just from her run. She’d maybe pushed herself a little too hard that morning, so maybe she was hallucinating.
She’d closed her eyes tightly, counted to ten and re-opened it. But the image before her stayed the same.
“Jay?”
Jay stood in the middle of her - their - living room, a duffle bag at his feet. The same damn bag he’d had when she dropped him off at the airport last August.
“Hey Hails.” His voice was so soft, as if he didn’t want to spook her and she could feel cracks at the wall she’d built up over the last months of no contact. But she couldn’t let it happen, she wouldn’t.
“It’s been sixteen fucking months,” she bit out, finding the anger she’d long buried. “Half of which you’ve completely ignored me; and all you have to say is hey?”
At least he had the decency to look embarrassed.
She didn’t wait for him to respond, just walked past him to the bathroom to take a shower. She stayed there longer than necessary - wanting to postpone whatever conversation they were about to have.
Hailey finally threw on a pair of jeans and an old t-shirt before walking back into the living room.
“I know we need to talk,” Jay said, after a while, fumbling around for words or what, Hailey didn’t know.
“Need to do a hell of a lot more than that. But I’ve got to go into the district. We’re behind on paperwork.”
She couldn’t deal with this, not right now. So she grabbed her keys and walked out.
“I thought I told you to take a personal day,” Trudy said as soon as she’d climbed the steps into the main floor of the district.
Hailey sighed, tucking a strand of still damp hair behind her ear. “I’ve got a stack of paperwork with my name on it.”
Trudy cocked an eyebrow, not buying it for a second.
“Something’s going on.”
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
Maybe it was the bite of the statement, the tone in her voice or maybe it was just the look on her face but Trudy didn’t push it. Even if a part of Hailey kind of wanted her to.
The only acknowledgement that the rest of the squad gave her was a look in her direction when she walked up the stairs. Hailey didn’t say anything, just walked to her desk and dragged a stack of paperwork towards her.
Hailey once again felt like the wind was knocked out of her when she walked into the district and Jay was standing in Voight’s office. As soon as she’d walked into the intelligence floor, she felt multiple sets of eyes on her.
Kevin, Adam and Kim had all turned to look at her as soon as she dropped her keys on her desk. At least Torres was at least trying not to make it so obvious.
“He came back a few days ago,” was the only thing Hailey said.
It went like that for the next week and a half. The two of them barely spoke despite living together and slowly working together again; Jay wasn’t fully reinstated yet - just dipping his toes back in the water, figuring out what his next move would be.
The tension was heavy in the air, that much was obvious; but they still worked so well together, wordlessly moving around the district, around their apartment as if they were anticipating the other’s next move - as if the last sixteen months of distances hadn’t happened.
But it had happened and Hailey couldn’t just go back to how things were ; but yet, she couldn't figure out a way to talk to him either. So when Voight had brought up that they’d had a hit with a case of theirs matching a bunch in New York, she’d jumped at the chance.
Hailey worked with SVU exactly once, two years ago a little while after she and Jay had gotten together. She liked Detective Tamin, though Hailey knew she no longer worked for the NYPD and she’d liked Amanda - more than she thought she would.
Especially after their long talk in Molly’s after the case when Hailey had learned they’d had a lot more in common than she realized. So maybe she also had some ulterior motives for going to New York.
“How long are you going to be gone?” Jay broached the question slowly, tentative, leaning against the doorway, still giving her space.
Hailey walked from the closet, throwing a bunch of clothes into a duffle bag. “As long as it takes.”
“Hailey, you okay?”
Hailey turned at the sound of Amanda’s voice as the older detective walked into the breakroom.
“Fine,” she responded, almost immediately. It was a reflex at this point, she’d been saying it for weeks now, for months really. Not wanting to talk about what was going on in her head, not really believing that she could . Eventually those in the district had just stopped asking, which was fine by her.
Hailey had never been one to talk about her problems, except with Jay; but he was the main root of the problem this time.
Amanda’s raised eyebrow told Hailey all she needed to know about how much Amanda believed her. “You’re sure?”
Maybe it was the fact that Amanda saw through her shit and called her out on it. Or maybe because they were similar in more ways than one. She thought back to their conversation in Molly’s two years ago after a joint case.
“Not really… but we’ve got a case.”
They’d gotten interrupted by SVU’s Chief sending them out on tracking down a suspect at that point, thus ending the conversation. And Amanda didn’t push the subject while they were in the car.
“Upton,” Benson called, drawing her attention. “I’m sending you and Rollins to try and get something out of Coleman.”
Hailey nodded, stepping away from the whiteboard in the squad room, heading towards the interrogation room. The sound of soft voices had her slowing her steps as she came around the corner.
“We’re all frustrated.”
Hailey turned the corner and saw Amanda, staring up at Carisi with her hand on his arm. “I’m not taking it personally.”
“Just gotta make sure you know.”
Their conversation trailed off but they stood in the small hallway, staring at each other, as if they were the only two there. So much passed between them, all the love and understanding of years knowing and working together wordlessly passing between them.
It suddenly hit Hailey how she had that with Jay; how they could say so much with just a simple touch or eye contact across the bullpen, a cup of coffee or a snack placed on a desk.
She shoved the thoughts away - now wasn’t the time to dwell on the past with Jay. Now was the time to focus on the case at hand; catch the son of bitches who were harming these women.
She walked forward and almost hated the way they were pulled out of their bubble. “Sorry to interrupt; but Benson said we’re going in the box.”
Hailey managed to keep the thoughts at bay throughout the entire interrogation, easily flipping the switch from Hailey to Detective Upton. Though it’d started crumbling when they were in the Captain’s office and Amanda told her they were stepping out for a bit.
Olivia hadn’t questioned it, let them go. A look had passed her face that had Hailey wondering what it’d be like to work undering a commanding officer who actually seemed to care on a more emotional level.
“Is this about Jay?”
Amanda had barely hesitated after the waitress had dropped their food off to call her out. If she was being honest, maybe she appreciated it. Someone who was just blunt enough to get right to the point, pushed exactly where Hailey needed to be pushed.
“Some stuff went down last year and Jay left the force, claiming he needed to find himself. At first I was fine with it; because that Jay; whoever he was back then, wasn’t the man I married,” Hailey leaned back against the booth. “And if he needed to go away to get back to himself, I was going to find a way to be okay with it. It was only supposed to be eight months.”
”It’s been a year though.”
“Sixteen months,” Hailey sighed. “He started dodging my calls and he didn’t even tell me he extended his leave…. Then he just shows up back in Chicago, a few weeks ago,”
“And you haven’t talked?”
There was just something about talking to Amanda that was easy, so Hailey found herself admitting that she’s been avoiding Jay since he came back; how she jumped at the chance to get on a plane to New York when Voight mentioned the case. It had always been too easy to run from her problems.
“No judgment here,” Amanda assured her. “I know that all too well. I think I wrote the book on running from your problems.”
Hailey was mostly on autopilot as they returned to the precinct, letting Amanda's words wash over her. But she tuned them out when they walked into the squad room and found themselves in the middle of tracking down a rape for hire network.
For the rest of the case, she just did what she did best - undercover work and slapping cuffs on assholes and integrating them. Until they finally had their suspects dead to rights and their victims could breathe easy.
“That was… rough,” Hailey said, watching as the last of their aspects were led out in handcuffs. She turned towards Amanda. “And you all do this every single damn day.”
“It takes a special kind of cop to work special victims,” Amanda told her. “Not everyone is cut out for this job.”
“How do you unwind after something like this?”
“Depending on the case, we’ll all go out for a drink. Most of the time, I go home, hug my kids a little tighter and remind myself why I’m doing this.”
“It’s all in the people you surround yourself with huh?”
Amanda nodded. “I don’t think you can do any version of this job without a support system…If you’re up for it, you can come over for dinner, with everyone else.”
Hailey had agreed, if only because she didn’t want to spend another night alone in a hotel room. So she’d found herself at Amanda’s and Sonny’s house with some of their friends, a gaggle of kids and Kevin and Adam.
Hailey milled around mostly, making small talk, accepting a beer from Carisi. Her eyes finally fell on Amanda talking to Olivia and she waited until it looked like they were done before she walked up.
“You know, I’ve got to thank you for this,” Hailey waved her hand at the cops and kids that littered Amanda’s living room and kitchen.
“It’s nice to be reminded of what you have every so often.”
“If we were back in Chicago, I probably would have just drowned my sorrows alone at a bar,” Hailey admitted, glancing down at the beer in her hand. “Though not Molly’s; one where nobody from the district would know where I was.”
“Yeah, I’ve been there too.”
Hailey took a breath, she’d been teetering on wondering what to do about Jay since he came back. “I think I’m gonna try and make more of an effort when we go back home. With Jay. Even though I still don’t know how to even broach it or if it’s worth it.”
“Do you love him? Even after everything.”
Hailey didn’t even hesitate. “More than anyone else in my life.”
“Then it’s worth it,” Amanda told her with a smile “After everything you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy, Hailey. And if Jay’s the one, don’t let it slip through your fingers like I almost did.”
They lapsed into a silence that was only broken by Amanda’s girls laughing and trying to climb Kevin like a tree.
“Cute kids though,” Hailey said, glancing over at Amanda.
“They look and act just like me,” Amanda glanced towards the kitchen. “Though I’m hoping I’m just two for three in the looks department anyway.”
Hailey followed her gaze, where Carisi stood with a baby strapped to his chest. And a small part of Hailey couldn’t help but think about her own future. Maybe in a couple of years; Jay standing in their kitchen, a baby of their own strapped to his chest.
For the first time in a few weeks, the thought didn’t leave a hollow feeling in her chest.
“I never thought I’d get here,” Amanda said as if she could hear Hailey’s thoughts. “I never imagined being the marrying kind with the kids and the damn house with the picket fence and a dog.”
“You’re here though.”
“Fought like hell to get here. And I’m not saying you need the house or the kids to be happy; but if Jay makes you happy -
“Don’t let him go,” Hailey finished for her. “Sounds easier said than done.”
But damn it, she was willingly to fight for it.
Amanda’s words stayed with Hailey for the rest of that night as she tossed and turned in her hotel bed. She couldn’t sleep - though that was her norm for the past couple of weeks. The anger she felt at Jay, the sadness at being left, the annoyance at being annoying, the guilt at feeling like she wasn’t enough weighing on her mind constantly, nagging at her and keeping her awake.
She hadn’t lied when she told Amanda she loved him more than anything; there was no hesitation before the words came tumbling out of her mouth. She loved Jay, she would always love Jay even with all of the shit he put her through leaving like that after he said he wasn’t going anywhere.
“After everything you’ve been through, you deserve to be happy, Hailey. ”
Hailey closed her eyes, picturing the look on Amanda’s face when she said those words. She opened her eyes and reached towards the bedside table for her phone. It may have been after midnight in New York; but it was at least still eleven in Chicago and even if he wasn’t awake, it didn’t matter.
She pulled up her messages and typed out a text
We should talk when I get back. Really talk. We’re flying back tomorrow.
Voight had sent them all straight home from the airport - the courts would be handling most of the extradition process to get James Walter from Chicago to New York, and any paperwork they needed to get done could wait.
Hailey had let Kevin drop her off at home instead of taking an uber or a cab. On the ride from O’Hare to their apartment - which had taken longer than necessary because of the damn traffic, Hailey had sent a text to Amanda.
Thanks again. For everything.
A response came through almost immediately
No problem. Like I told you before, I’m here if you ever want to talk.
Jay was waiting for her, perched on a stool on the kitchen island - takeout from their favorite Thai place sitting on the counter. It was a shock to see him, but not nearly as jarring as it was a few weeks ago. Seeing him didn’t hit her like a ton of bricks, didn’t make her want to run for the hills. She just genuinely wasn’t expecting to see him immediately when she got back
“I was expecting you to be at work.”
“You texted and said you were coming back… and that you wanted to talk. So I took a half day,” Jay said slowly. “I wasn’t really expecting that text either.”
“I had some down time to think while I was in New York, got some pretty decent advice too,” Hailey dumped her bag on the floor, making a mental note to deal with it later. “But I still don’t even know where to start.”
Jay pushes off the stool and busies himself with taking the take out containers out of the bag. “I know we’re not good, Hailey. And that’s my fault. I did the one thing I told you I’d never do.”
Hailey walked forward, towards the counters, already reaching for plates. Falling back into their old routine over a year and a half ago. “We can fix this, I know we can…I just…”
“I’ll work to get your trust back,” Jay said, earnestly. “Whatever I have to do. I’ll do it.”
“You promised me you weren’t going anywhere. You looked me in my eyes and told me that and then you left and all but ghosted me, Jay… I was okay with you needing your time and space to figure your shit out but –”
“My eight months turned into something longer.”
“And you didn’t even tell me yourself.”
“I wasn’t the man I promised you I would be. I was terrified and drowning,” Jay’s voice was thick with regret and remorse and it picked at Hailey’s resolve, chipping away at the wall she’d thrown up over the last year. “Maybe I thought I was protecting you from that –
“That’s bullshit, Jay.”
“I know that now. And Hailey, you deserved so much better than how I handled this. I don”t regret leaving: but I do regret everything I did to you. I was just trying to be a better man, to be better and somehow I fucked up it all up more.”
“Yeah you did.”
Hailey's stomach picked that moment to growl and she fought back an eye roll. Jay glanced down at the food, so they dish out the food and call a truce while they eat. It’s still a little awkward, but not as tense as it was.
“What are you going to do about work?” Hailey asked suddenly, setting down her chopsticks.
It wasn’t that important, but it was something that had been weighing on her since he came back, how he’d been back at the District; but felt like he always had a foot out the door.
“I’m not sure if I want to transfer to another unit, or if I want to tough it out at Intelligence.”
“Transfer?”
“It was because of Intelligence and Voight that I had to leave,” Jay sighed. “I can’t ruin us again, I can’t let that squad ruin us again.”
“Once upon a time, running Intelligence was your dream.”
“You’re my dream Hailey, whatever life we can have together is my dream. I can run any damn unit in Chicago, but there’s just one you.”
She leaned back, taking in his face. His expression is one that’s so genuine, she could tell everything he’s told her is the truth and it shattered the rest of her discontentment. Everything was completely okay, they still had a lot of work to do; had a long way to go, but it was a start. And for the first time in sixteen months, Hailey felt like she could breathe again.
“This doesn’t mean we’re okay.”
Jay nodded. “I’m not expecting some magical fix. I know I’ve got work to do.”
They both did, she knew that. But she hoped they could find their way back to each other; be the people they were before Hank Voight and his shit came into their lives. Maybe, what they both needed was a fresh start.
“What if I left Intelligence too?”
“Hailey you don’t –”
“You said it yourself, it was that unit and Voight that almost ruined us,” Hailey said. “And that wasn’t even the first time either; it’s just going to keep happening unless either Voight leaves or we leave.”
“We don’t have to figure all of that out today; but we’ll figure it out, because I want to be with you Hailey. That hasn’t changed.”
“But we’ll figure it out, together” she repeated and reached across the counter, grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “I’ve trusted you since I met you and even after everything, that hasn’t changed either.”