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⚠️ TW ⚠️ This fic contains mentions of self harm (the topic is brought up pretty early on). If this is a triggering topic for you, please don’t read!
Minho didn’t like himself. At all. He read all those negative comments about him online, and couldn’t help but believe them. He always came across the same phrase, “Minho is mean”. Lots of people said it, so it must be true right? Every time he saw one of those comments, he felt a pang in his chest. If people online found him mean, what about his members? He must be so mean to them. He should’ve just stayed eliminated, that way his friends wouldn’t have to put up with him.
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It was 3 AM, and Minho was still awake. Again, he read through negative comments. People telling him he has no talent, how he was mean, just the usual. He couldn’t stop reading. He knew it was bad for him, he knew it was destroying him, but he couldn’t stop. He felt his chest tighten as he read one comment, “I wish Minho was dead. He doesn’t deserve to be in this world”. Minho felt his eyes water. He desperately tried to stay quiet, as soft sobs escaped him. The sobs wouldn’t quiet down, so he got up. He had to get out of here. He opened the bedroom door, and looked at his roommate, Seungmin. He was sleeping so soundly. Minho smiled. Then he walked out the room, and into the hall. He walked in a straight line, on his way to the bathroom. It was so quiet, he could practically hear every bone in his body. He soon reached the bathroom, it wasn’t far away from the members rooms after all. It was just down the hall. He went inside, and locked the door.
He turned on the lights, and instantly felt his eyes burn. Why did they have to be so bright? It didn’t make sense, at least not to Minho. He looked into the mirror, he looked like a mess. He looked mean, ugly even. God, how did people even manage to look at him? As he stared at himself, his eye caught something behind him. His oversized sweater. The light blue one. With a cat design. The one he used whenever he regressed. It was there, hanging on the wall. Probably washed and ready for the next time he feels small. His mind immediately grew fuzzy, but no. He couldn’t regress. If he regressed now, all alone, he’d go find one of his caregivers. That was a rule they had agreed on. Whenever he regressed he had to tell at least one of his caregivers. He couldn’t be a burden to them.
He doesn’t know how long he just stood there, staring at the mirror. He just couldn’t move. The voices in his head grew louder every second that went by. They were shouting at him. He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t even clearly hear what the voices were shouting. Until he could. They, it, he doesn’t even know. There might be multiple of them, or only one. He couldn’t tell. “Cut. Cut now. No one would care. Cut” Was all he heard. He reached for the cabinet. Of course, the blade he used years ago was still there. The one he used when life got rough. He promised himself he would stop. He stopped 3 years ago. But he missed the relief he felt whenever his blood dripped to the floor. He lifted the blade up. No one figured out 3 years ago, so no one would know this time. He would be fine.
And so he rolled up his sleeves, and cut. He cut until he saw blood. His own blood. He felt like he was in control. Everything was quiet, even the voices. He was lucky it was rather cold outside, this would be easy to hide. He quickly cleaned up, hid the blade and went to bed.
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Minho woke up at around 7 am the next day. He really didn’t get a lot of sleep. He was thankful they only had dance practice today. He pulled himself up, and used his elbows to support himself. And oh, did he feel the burn. That’s when it really set in. He relapsed. 3 years gone to waste. He tried so hard to stay clean. And now it all went to waste. He felt his eyes sting. But he quickly got up out of bed, he couldn’t cry now. He had to go to dance practice with his members. He walked over to the closet and decided to wear a pair or gray sweats with a black sweater. Then he slipped out of his room, and into the kitchen to have breakfast with his members.
They ate in silence, apart from some small talk. Minho stayed quiet though. Even when Felix asked him how he slept. He pretended he didn’t hear what the younger said and dodged the question. The members didn’t think much of it, and got ready one by one. Then they all piled up in one van, where the same thing happened. Hyunjin asked Minho how he slept, and the older just replied with a hum. Minho could practically feel the worried glances now. He doesn’t even know why he dodged that question. He just didn’t wanna talk. About anything. He just wanted to be quiet. No one said anything though. “Of course they don’t say anything, they don’t care about you, no one does” the voice is his head said. He just ignored it as the van parked outside of the company building. He stayed quiet, even when they all went out of the van, and made their way towards their practice room.
They had practiced for 1 and a half hour already. Minho was tired. He wanted to go home, sleep and hopefully never wake up. He also began getting frustrated, Jeongin couldn’t do one move. Now, Minho usually didn’t get mad when stuff like that happened. But he was tired, his arms ached and he just wanted to go home. He wasn’t in the right mindset. Jeongin kept making mistakes, and Minho felt his blood boil. He tried explaining everything to Jeongin one more time, and when Jeongin still couldn’t master the move, Minho snapped.
“Jeongin, i’ve explained this many times now! Can you start actually being useful?!”
He raised his voice.
Reality set in after he said it. He didn’t mean that, but he couldn’t control his words. Everyone was staring at him now. Jeongin had tears in his eyes, not that Minho could blame him of course. Minho messed up. Maybe he is mean. “Minho, why would you say that?” Chan asked him, he sounded disappointed. Minho stared at the ground. How could he be so stupid? He didn’t mean what he said, so why did he say it? Why couldn’t he respond? He felt trapped, suddenly speaking felt hard, he couldn’t talk. “Let’s just go home, hyung.” Hyunjin said while holding Jeongin’s hand, “Minho, go for a walk or something. I think you need it.” And with that, they all began gathering their stuff. While Minho stood still. He looked at his feet, but he could still feel their glances. He deserved it. They didn’t even say bye as they went out the door, they just left him there.
As soon as the door shut, Minho slipped into his headspace. His regressed self instantly began crying. His caregivers left. He was alone. They were sick of him. He took his practice bag, and began running towards the exit. Maybe if he ran fast enough, he could catch up!
Unfortunately, he reached the exit just in time to see the van, already on the road. He was alone. What was he supposed to do now? He didn’t want to go back inside, he wanted his caregivers. A thought suddenly crossed his mind, what if he walked home? Maybe his hyungies would be proud of him! And so, he started walking. Since he was regressed, he had no sense of direction. He didn’t know where to go, but he still began walking. The sidewalk was wet, when had it began raining? He couldn’t tell. It also began getting dark outside. He hated the dark. “hyuwn’ies-“ he cried.
The scenery around him got more and more familiar the more he walked, he was on the right path! He would be home soon! His happy giggles were interrupted when he heard a meow. He looked down, there was a cat there. Laying right by his feet. What was a cat doing outside in this cold? He sat down, and cuddled the cat. “Hyuwn’ies leave Min- buh you nuh leave, kitty” He said. He couldn’t continue walking now! Not when the cat was so adorable!
Back at the dorm, the members started getting worried. “Guys, don’t you think Minho hyung has been gone for too long now?” Felix asked, “Maybe someone should go get him? I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said to Jeongin..” He smiled. “I forgive him either way, he didn’t mean it!” Jeongin beamed. “I can go get him then.” Seungmin said. “I’ll come with you.” Chan added. The pair went outside and dialed Minho’s phone number using Chan’s phone, so he could tell them where he were. Minho instantly picked up the phone. “Hey Minho, where are you? We’re coming to get you. No ones mad at you.” Chan said, in case he thought they were mad. Minho only replied with a sob. “Hyuwn’ies nuh mad?“ he cried. “Oh, Min. Don’t cry, it’s okay. We’re not mad. Can you tell hyungies where you are baby?” Seungmin replied. “Dunno’” was all the mentally younger said, with a shaky voice. “Okay, just wait there okay baby? We’re coming.” Seungmin reassured, “Chan hyung, you can check his location right?”. “Yup, hand me the phone.”
Minho wasn’t far away from them, but they still stayed on the call with him until he could see them. “There you are kitten!” Chan said and hugged him. “There’s 2 kittens here.” Seungmin giggled while pointing at the cat. “Is it your friend, Min?” Chan asked Minho. All he got was a nod. “Well, it’s time to say goodbye, i think someone needs a nap.”
Chan carried Minho while walking beside Seungmin. Minho clung to Chan, and stared sucking on his thumb, then Seungmin pulled his hand away. Minho winced. “Does your arm hurt, baby?” Seungmin asked, concerned. “Owie.” He said. “Can hyungs look at your arm, starshine?” Chan asked. “Nuh.” “Why not?” “Hyuwn’ies get mad.” Minho mumbled and buried his head into Chan’s neck. “Why would we get mad?” The leader asked, he was beginning to get worried. “Let’s get home, we can look at it there.” Seungmin said, since their baby wouldn’t let them see. He, too, was starting to get worried. Sure, Minho didn’t talk about his own problems much, big or little, but this was different. He just focused on getting home for now though, if this was serious, it would be more convenient to be at home.
When they did get home, all of the other members were watching a movie, after a short greeting, Seungmin and Chan went to the bathroom, where they would look at this “injury” Minho had. Chan, who was holding Minho, set him down on the rug, then the pair sat down with him. “Which arm hurts, sweetie?” Chan asked, and sat Minho down in his lap. He received no answer from the little, so he continued, “Baby, hyungs can’t help you if we don’t know what’s wron—“ He was interrupted by Minho crawling off his lap, “Not a baby anymore.” he mumbled. Chan was confused, but still nodded, “Why so suddenly did something happen?” Minho only stayed quiet. “Hyung, talk to us please.” Seungmin chimed in, and held Minho’s hand, which had started shaking. He still didn’t get a verbal answer, the only answer he got was Minho rolling up both of his sleeves. Revealing scars.
“Minho..” Chan started. Minho felt his throat close up. “Did- did you do this to yourself?..” Chan asked. “I..” a few tears fell down Minho’s face, “I’m sorry..” he weakly said. Seungmin wiped Minho’s tears and looked at him softly, “Minho hyung, we’re not mad. Can you tell us when you did this? We’re only trying to help.” Seungmin spoke instead of Chan, the leader looked like he was on the verge of breaking down, so Seungmin stepped up. “Last night… I’m sorry- it all just-“ he sobbed. Seungmin hugged him. “Shh, it’s okay, let it out. We’re here” he comforted while rubbing the dancers back. It was quiet for a while, no one dared to break the silence. Chan had calmed down, and finally asked, “Minho, can we clean the scars? Just for extra safety. Don’t want them getting infected.” He smiled. “Sure.”
Half way through the cleaning session Minho slipped back into his headspace.
They all cuddled, talked (about Minho’s plushies), and finally went to bed. Minho slept in between Chan and Seungmin. He knew they would have a long talk the next day, but right now he didn’t care.