Chapter Text
Finding out felt like the part of a dream when it starts to turn into a nightmare. They had been on the beach when Oksana told her; she had always known her way around Amber, and they had been sitting on the pier. The bomb dropped as they were kicking at the water with bare feet, looking out at the storm. Amber’s feet were suddenly stiff and unmoving an inch above the surface.
“What do you mean ‘vessel’? Are you tellin’ me you’re some sorta chosen one, Bubba? ‘cause if that’s the case—” Amber started rambling, gods, she never could stop rambling in front of her. She threw out deflecting jokes because this could not be what she knew it was. Could not mean what she was certain, with a dread that settled deep in her bones, it meant.
“No, no, no… Well, not exactly? It’s not… like that. Just… Since the ship’s made out of Dead God Remains he’s… kinda… vibed better with some folks than others.” Oksana’s eyes did not once leave the water’s surface to meet hers. “The marines are not happy about it, either, believe me.”
“He?” Amber could not take her eyes off her own feet. She wondered if she would ever see a blink shark again.
“Koda, the- the god. I…” Oksana’s voice was faltering, uneasy, but there was something in her tone that was not entirely fear… Amber did not know what it was. “I heard him. When I got close to the ship, I- I felt him, Amber, he spoke to me. He asked me to be his vessel.” When Amber finally worked up the courage to look up, her eyes were already on her; pleading to be understood. “No one else heard his actual voice, Bams. Only me.”
It was great, really. It was incredible, and she knew Oksana deserved it. If some dead god had to pick someone to reconnect with humanity or whatever, of course it would be her, of all people. She had the mind of a leader, and the attitude and looks for the role, too. Amber should be happy for her, should be congratulating her on what was most certainly a momentous occasion in her life.
So why did it feel like her guts had just been ripped out of her body? Why were they both treating this news as some sort of grim omen, something to be feared, a terrible, unavoidable catastrophe?
“So… what does that mean for you?” For us. “After all this, I mean.”
Oksana looked away.
“Well, you know… they’ve been talking about working around it to set up a defense corps. They, uh. A lot of ‘em kinda want me to be at the head of it.”
Amber nudged at Oksana’s arm with one shoulder.
“You should take it.”
Oksana let the force of the push move her limply side to side and stayed still.
“I did.”
On one of the first hunting expeditions with Joshy’s crew, when they started actually going out looking for the blink sharks, there was one time Amber got too cocky about not being afraid of the ethersea and fell headfirst out of the ship and into the water. Nothing could have prepared her for the crushing, freezing shock of being pulled under with no warning. Her lungs fought between collapsing in on themselves and filling up with a water that burned on the way down; she did her best to swim, but barely managed to flail aimlessly, the polluted water making her skin tingle unpleasantly and her limbs not responding quite right. The dark closed in on her as she saw the blur that was the light of the surface get farther and farther away until her eyes could no longer bear to remain open; her mind encroached by that same darkness.
Right now, sitting on the pier with the only person she had left in the whole world and hearing her say those words, Amber felt like she was drowning.
“Well. I'm real proud of you, Bubba.” She looked at the settlement behind them, wondering how much longer it would last them. Surely it could not be much. Not long at all before they were forced to go underwater and leave everything they ever knew behind.
“Amber,” Oksana placed her hand on her cheek and gently turned her back to face her, “it’s not… I know maybe it’s not ideal, but nothing about this whole moving under the ethersea situation is ideal…” She tried to chuckle and then sighed, visibly looking for the right words. “What I’m trying to say is: you could give it a try, Amber. You could go on up to the cradle and see if you can connect with the ship.”
“You know I can’t do that, Bubba.” Amber should not have put her own hand up to hold Oksana’s over her cheek, but she did. And Oksana ran her thumb along her skin.
“Can’t you, though? It might work- we could be together, after everything that’s happened. Wouldn’t it be a little easier? I just… have a feeling.”
“I…” Amber did not want to lean into Oksana’s touch, did not want to hold on tight to her hand as if to never let her go, did not want to take an extra second to think about something she knew she had no real chance at. “I’m not made for that kinda stuff. It’s so weird, and y’all are gonna be like- the cops, basically and- I’m just not cut out for that. I’m sorry.”
“Bams, please,” Oksana took both her hands now, pleading with her, “I’ve seen what you can do, you’re something special.” There was something off about that last sentence that Amber could not quite place. She took her girlfriend’s hands in hers firmly and looked up at her, trying to seem more sure of herself.
“No. No, I can’t.”
Then she saw a small pinprick of red light that she had not noticed in her eyes grow brighter. In front of her forehead, a glowing red eye appeared out of thin air and stared right through her.
“Pity.” Her voice was wrong. Her voice was wrong and it was still her voice but it was not her . She let go of Amber’s hands sharply and folded her arms on her own lap in a very formal gesture. “We really could have done some great things together, Amber Gris.” Oksana turned away from her and stared out into the ocean for a moment before falling forward as if struggling and catching herself. She turned back to look at Amber with horror in her eyes.
“What. The hell. Was that, Bubba?”
“Amber, I can explain, he’s never—”
“Is that all I am to you now, with your fancy new job?” Amber’s throat threatened to close once again, but she forced it open. She ignored the pressure bearing down on her chest. She pulled her legs up even though they each weighed several hundred times her own body weight. She stood up.
“Bams, wait.”
Amber did not look back. “I’m real happy you’re gettin’ the recognition you deserve, Bubba.” She sighed. It was a struggle to prevent it from getting stuck on the huge knot building up in her throat. “Have a good life out there.”
Amber walked her heavy legs, step by step, back to the shithouses. It felt like they got heavier by the second; or maybe just every time she convinced herself she did not hear Oksana calling out after her from the pier. She sat down on her bunk and made sure the building was empty (most people only spent as long as absolutely necessary in there if they could help it) before she let a couple of tears break past her eyelids.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” Her teeth were clenched and the heels of her hands pressed on her eyes until she saw bright splashes of color. She felt spit come out with the words as they dissolved the boulder that had settled on top of her lungs.
“FUCK!”
That was the last time Amber spoke to Oksana.