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“Huy, punta kayo ah!” pilit na ngumiti si Sunoo sa sinabi ng kanyang kaibigan na si Jungwon.”Oh, kilala ko ‘yang tingin at ngiti na ‘yan! Sunoo, it’s my wedding! You promised!”Napabuntong hininga si Sunoo habang nakatingin sa kaibigan.
“Sige, susubukan ko. Baka kasi may backlogs pa ako ng time na ‘yan. Alam mo naman, kelangan kong mag-aral, malapit na yung qualifying exams namin.”
“Okay, I’ll pray para wala ka ng kawala.” Natawa si Sunoo at tumango na lamang.
“Oh, ikaw din!”
“Oo naman.”sabi ni Jake. “Of course, I’ll go.”
“Eh si ano.” nalipat ang tingin ng tatlo kay Ni-ki. “Si Kuya Hee? Pupunta? Eh diba, friend siya ni Kuya Jay?”
“Uhm, i’ll ask Jay pa.”
Bumaba ang tingin ni Sunoo sa kanyang kinakain na carbonara, he felt the stares of his friends kaya naman iniangat niya ang tingin niya sa mga ito.
“Ano?” tanong niya.
“Sorry, Kuya Sun.”
“Ha?”tanong ni Sunoo, and then he realized. “Ano ka ba, it’s okay. Tatlong taon na ang nakalilipas.” he smiled. “Okay na ako.”
Lies.
The night when the party began, Sunoo felt uncomfortable. Dapat ay masaya siya for his friend dahil kasal na ito, pero bakit hindi niya malaman kung ano ba dapat ang maramdaman niya?
“Sunoo,” sandali siyang napatitig sa lalaking nakatayo sa kanyang harapan. He looks more mature, mas pumogi, at mas tumangkad. With his black undercut hair, his forehead showing. Ang mga pamilyar na matang nakatingin sa kanya ngayon, ang mga matang dati ay saulo niya ang ipinapahiwatig ngunit bakit ngayon para bumalik sa umpisa? Bakit parang walang kahit kaunting emosyon sa mga mata ng makita niya muli ang dating kasintahan?
“Hee,” he breathed out. “I didn’t know, nakauwi ka na pala from Milan.” dali daling ininom ni Sunoo ang hawak na wine.
“Ah, yes. Kahapon lang actually.”napatango ang binata sa narinig bago ito humarap sa entablado kung saan nandoon ang kanyang kaibigan at ang asawa nito na si Jay.
“Look at those two, parang dati lang parang aso at pusa sila.” panimula ni Sunoo. “Pero sila pa yung endgame.” Natawa pa ito while Heeseung on the other hand, just let out a smile.
“Yeah, I remember those times. Jay even tried to pull pranks so many times on Jungwon, but he became the first one to fall in love.”
“Kinain niya yung mga sinabi niya.” gatong pa ni Sunoo na ikinatawa lalo nila. But then a silence followed.
“Kamusta?” Heeseung asked after a minute of silence.
Sandaling napatingin si Sunoo rito at agad din ibinalik sa wine glass na wala ng laman na kanyang hawak.
“Currently pursuing my dreams,” ngumiti pa ito. “Doing good, I guess?”
“I’m glad to know.”
“How about you?”
“Oh, it took me two years to successfully build my own name.” sagot ni Heeseung.
“Congrats,” sabi ni Sunoo. Buti ka pa, nakamit mo na yung pangarap mo. Eh ako? “Narinig ko yung kanta na sinulat mo, yung sumikat?”
“What song?” Natawa si Sunoo.
“Oo nga pala, marami ka nga palang kantang sumikat. My bad,” bumuntong hininga pa siya. “Yung unang una.” Narinig ko nung time na nangungulila pa ako sa’yo.
“Oh, you mean ‘Bills’?” mabilis akong tumango.
“Yes, that one.”
“That,”Sunoo watched Heeseung drink his wine in one go. “Do you wanna have some coffee?”Napakunot ang noo ni Sunoo sa narinig.
“H-ha? Eh paano sila?” turo sa ikinasal na mga kaibigan.
“C’mon, they need to rest na rin. May honeymoon pa ‘yan.”.” Namumulang hinampas ni Sunoo ang binatang kaharap. “What?”
“Magpaalam muna tayo.”
;
“Hm,” Jungwon crossed his arms at nanliliit pa ang mga matang tinignan ang kanyang kaibigan.
“Anong tingin nanaman ‘yan?” tanong ni Sunoo sa kaibigan.
“Mukhang may babalik ah?” tanong ni Jake na ngayon ay nakangisi pa. “Uy, ha.”
“Jake, anong--Walang magkakabalikan, okay? Isa pa, magkakape lang kami tapos uuwi na ako, medyo maraming wine rin kasi ang nainom ko. I still have class tomorrow, kailangan kong mag-aral.”
“Eh, paano kung manghingi ng second chance?” tanong ni Jungwon kaya naman napatigil si Sunoo.
“Malabo.”
“Anong malabo?”si Jake, “He invited you to have coffee with him. Two ex-lovers magkakape kasi trip lang in the middle of the night? Sinong niloko niyo aber?”
Napaisip si Sunoo.
“Ilang beses ko ng sinabi hindi ba? We are over. Masyado naming nasaktan ang isa’t isa, kaya imposible ‘yang iniisip niyo okay?”
“Okay, basta mag-iingat kayo ah.” sumuko na lang si Jungwon sa kaibigan.
“Balitaan mo na lang kami bukas.” hindi pa rin maalis sa mukha ni Jake ang ngisi na pabirong inirapan ni Sunoo.
“Mag-iingat din kayo.”
;
*Playing Bills on the car radio*
“ An appropriate ending
Not a hateful last time
Of all the breakups
I think this would be a good example, right?
A sweet sense of liberation
My heart winds up my problems
It was fun for a while”
“Hello, love.” pagod na sinalubong ni Sunoo ng yakap ang kanyang kasintahan na si Heeseung. Galing kasi itong duty sa hospital.
“Pagod?” tumango na lamang si Sunoo.
“Kumain ka na?”
“Yes po, ikaw?”
“Yup.”Kinuha ni Heeseung ang backpack ng kasintahan. Kukunin din sana nito ang OB bag ngunit tumanggi na ang isang binata.
“Sorry love, nagpanggabi nanaman ang time ng duty ko ngayon, you should be resting now eh.”
“It’s fine, love. As long as safe kang makauwi ng bahay ninyo, hm?”
They were both lucky to have each other.
They used to be happy.
Sunoo is a nursing student. May kaya ang pamilya.
Heeseung is a mechanical engineering student. Scholar. Hindi gusto ang kanyang kurso, pero walang choice dahil pinapaaral lang naman ng kanyang tita.
They both found comfort within each other. They became friends, bestfriends, and then lovers.
Ang perfect na ng combo ng dalawa, dahil maayos ang communication between each other.
Ang naging problema? Hindi rin alam.
“Bumagsak ka sa isang subject, Sunoo?!”
“Ma, sorry–”
“Sunoo naman! Naiintindihan ko kung hindi mo makamit yung pagiging Dean’s lister mo ngayong semester. Naiintindihan namin ng Papa mo, kasi nakikita namin kung gaano ka nahihirapan ngayon. Pero ang ibagsak mo ang isa mong subject?”
Napayuko na lamang si Sunoo sa narinig.
He made his parents disappointed with him. Big time.
Tahimik na kumakain si Sunoo sa tabi ni Heeseung.
“Love, napili nila yung sinulat kong kanta.”Pagod na tinignan ni Sunoo ang kanyang kasintahan. Kitang kita niya kung paano kumikislap ang mata sa tuwing pinag uusapan ang songwriting. “Then, running for magna cum laude rin daw ako.” Heeseung is ahead of Sunoo, one year. Graduating student ito samantalang siya ay third year college.
Kahit anong bigat ang nararamdaman ni Sunoo nung mga araw na iyon ay pinilit niyang maging masaya for his boyfriend.
“Congrats, love. I am so proud of you.”
Mabuti ka pa, eh ako? A big disappointment.
;
“Napakagaling na bata talaga nitong si Heeseung.” nakaupo sa isang sulok, pinapanood lamang ni Sunoo ang mga taong nagsasaya.
Heeseung finally graduated as Magna Cum Laude. His hard work paid off. Pinanood niya ang kanyang nobyo na kausapin ang kanilang mga bisita. Naghanda kasi ang kanyang tita para naman mai-celebrate ang success ng kanyang pamangkin.
“His parents must be so proud,” napalingon si Sunoo sa narinig mula sa kabilang lamesa. Napayuko siya at napabuntong hininga, he stood up at sandaling lumabas mula sa bahay.
He stares at nothing as he bites his fingers.
“Hey,” napatingin siya kay Heeseung na agad na hinawakan ang kanyang kamay para alisin ito mula sa kanyang bibig. “You are doing it again, are you okay?”
He let out a small smile before shaking his head.
“Bakit ka lumabas? You should be entertaining your visitors.”
“Yeah, I will but first,”ipinihit ni Heeseung si Sunoo paharap sa kanya. “What is our problem, hm?” Sunoo stared at the eyes of his boyfriend, wanting to say something but at the same time, hindi niya dapat gawin. It is supposed to be a happy day para sa kanyang kasintahan and he does not want to ruin it.
“I am fine, just thinking about something.” sabi niya as he touches Heeseung’s arms papunta sa kamay nitong nakahawak sa kanyang balikat. “Hindi naman malalim. I can manage.”
“Your eyes say otherwise.”
“Why are you so good at reading me?” natatawang tanong ni Sunoo.
“Because I love you, and as one na tayo.”.” Heeseung pulled him into a hug. “Kaya if there is anything that is bothering you, tell me, okay? I will listen.”
“I know, love. I know.”
;
2 am in the morning
“Here.”
“Thank you.” Ikinulong ni Sunoo sa kanyang palad ang mainit na kape na dinala ni Heeseung. Nakatambay sila sa 7/11 malapit sa venue, they are both staring at the outside.
“I wrote the Bills, the first time I got to Milan.”.” panimula ni Heeseung. “It was after we…broke up.”
Parang may malaking harang sa lalamunan ni Sunoo dahil sa narinig. Hirap siyang makalunok kaya napayuko na lamang siya.
“I dedicated that to our relationship. And the funny thing is, ayon pa yung pinakang sumikat.” Natawa si Heeseung na sinundan ni Sunoo.
“Ang weird nga eh.”
“Yeah, really.”
Then another silence.
“Palagi ko siyang pinapakinggan.”si Sunoo. “Parang part siya ng healing process ko kasi ganun naman diba? When you want to move on, kailangan dumaan ka sa mahirap na proseso? Kailangan mong saktan yung sarili mo ng paulit-ulit para maging immune ka na sa sakit para the next time you wake up...kaya mo na. Kaya ko na ulit.”
“Sunoo..”napalingon si Sunoo sa katabi.
“Hmm?”
“I am sorry.” Sunoo let out an awkward laugh.
“Huy, why are you saying sorry? Wala kang kasalanan. Hindi naman ikaw yung naging insecure, yung nainggit, at yung naging disappointment.”
“Sunoo,” napatigil si Sunoo ng biglang hawakan ni Heeseung ang kanyang kamay na nakapatong sa lamesa at napatingin sa mukha nito. “I was mad at myself that time because I did not do something to ease your pain.”
Sunoo rapidly blinks away his tears.
“You were silently suffering that time, while I was out there celebrating my achievements.”Napayuko si Heeseung, “Nakalimutan ko kasing dalawa tayo sa relasyon na ‘to. I was too happy to notice that you were silently fighting your battles.”
Hindi mapigilan ni Sunoo ang luhang pumapatak mula sa kanyang mata.
“Kasama kitang magcelebrate, pero hindi mo ako kasamang labanan ang mga laban mo.” Heeseung wiped his tears. “Sinisi ko yung sarili ko kasi sinukuan kita, I know that you are just tired, you are seeking for comfort pero hindi ko naibigay kaya I am so sorry, Sunoo.”
Mabilis na tumango si Sunoo at siya naman ngayon ang humawak sa kamay ni Heeseung.
“Ako naman,” ngumiti pa ito. “I am sorry, Heeseung. I am sorry kung nakita kita as an enemy noon, kasi nainggit ako eh, nagselos ako kasi ikaw unti-unti mong nakakamit yung pangarap mo, tapos ako ayon, naging isang malaking disappointment kela Mama at Papa. I wanted you to hold me that time kasi I feel so alone pero hindi ko sinabi kasi I do not want to ruin your moment, kasi alam kong naghirap ka doon. Pinaghirapan mo yung mga naachieve mo nung time na ‘yon. It is my fault to keep it inside of me hanggang sa hindi ko alam na naiinsecure na ako, na naiinggit na ako sa’yo. Kaya nagpapasalamat ako kasi pinili mo yung pangarap mo, you became an engineer and a songwriter now. Soon to be a producer pa.” Natawa pa si Sunoo sa huling sinabi.
“That was my biggest mistake, Sunoo.”
“Ha?”
“My biggest mistake was to leave you here alone. Ang hirap palang tuparin yung pangarap mo ng mag-isa ano? I lost my lover who is always there to support me. To guide me, and to hold me sa mga times na I feel like giving up.”
“Hee,”
“Ikaw ang muse ko sa mga kantang ginawa ko,” Heeseung smiled. “Bawat salita sa kanta ng sinusulat ko, konektado sa’yo.”
Sunoo felt like the world stopped for a moment.
Bakit parang bumalik ang dating Heeseung na mahal niya?
“That became my routine, I torture myself thinking of the right words to write, to think of our memories, to think of you. Iyon pala yung sinabi mo kanina, until we become immune to the pain.”
Napangiti si Sunoo at Heeseung sa isa’t isa.
“Thank you, for telling me your side.” sabi ni Sunoo. “Thank you for talking to me, kasi if pinalagpas pa natin ‘to hindi ko na alam.”natawa pa ito.
“Thank you, Sunoo. I hope that whatever happened in the past served a lesson to the both of us.”
“Hm, a beautiful lesson.”
Then the heavy feeling has been lifted from their chest.
Closure.
A proper closure.
“After the talk we did, feeling ko na-reborn ako.”si Sunoo. Tumayo na sila mula sa kanilang inuupuan at lumabas ng store.
“I think we did the right thing though. Closure.”
“Hee, thank you for this night.”
“It is nice talking to you too, Sun.” ngumiti pa ito. “Hatid na kita?”
Sunoo tilted his head as he looked at Heeseung.
“Okay, dahil tinatamad akong magbook ng Grab ngayon, fine.”
;
“Salamat sa paghatid.” sabi ni Sunoo pagkatapos niyang bumaba mula sa sasakyan ni Heeseung. “Ingat ka pauwi.”
“Thank you for today, Sunoo. Pasok ka na, I will leave as soon as makapasok ka.” Sunoo just nodded bago naglakad papasok sa kanilang bahay.
Heeseung kept his word and left right after Sunoo closed the door of his condo.
Hindi alam ni Sunoo, pero ang gaan ng dibdib niya ng mga oras na iyon. Nakangiti siyang humiga at tinignan ang mga glow in the dark stars na nakadikit sa itaas niya.
With a light heart and mind, he fell asleep.
*After a week*
“Hm, blooming ka.” nakangising salubong ni Jake sa kaibigan na si Jungwon.
“Well!” pabagsak itong umupo sa upuan sa harap nilang dalawa. “Oh, anong chismis?”
“Chismis? Sa’yo dapat kami mag-aabang ng chimis. How’s the honeymoon?” says Sunoo.
“You mean, ikwento ko sa inyo how Jay and I made love for a week straight–”
“I meant, kamusta ang travel abroad!” pagpigil ni Sunoo, “Jungwon! What the hell!”natawa si Jungwon at Jake sa naging reaction ng kaibigan.
“Hay, palibhasa, boring ang sex life-”
“Isa ka pa.”
“Kelan ka ba huling nadiligan?” tanong ni Jake. “Oh, isa lang naman naging boyfriend mo and 3 years na simula ng nagbreak kayo, so-” Jake shrugged his shoulders kaya naman napairap si Sunoo.
“At least, I am not like you na nahulog sa fubu niya.” ngumisi pa si Sunoo, “Wala kayo sa romantic drama, ano!”
“Nyenye!”
“Tumigil na nga kayo.” tumatawang pag-awat ni Jungwon. “Here.” he got two paper bags at binigay sa kanilang dalawa na agad namang binuksan.
“Perfume!” Jake exclaimed. “Thank you so much, my friend!” nagflying kiss pa ito.
“Thanks, .” says Sunoo as he sprayed a little on his wrist to check for the scent.
“You are welcome, my babies.”
“Oh, right!” sabay silang napalingon kay Jake na tila ba may naalala. “It is Sunghoon’s birthday on Saturday. Punta kayo.”
“Saturday? I can’t. May class ako and may meeting kami ng groupmates ko regarding our thesis.” sumipsip ito sa kanyang inumin na matcha.
“Ha? Gabi naman!”
“Fetch me then.”
“Argh, fine. Be thankful, I love you.”
“Thanks, Jake.” Nagflying kiss pa ito.
“How ‘bout you?” tanong nito kay Jungwon.
“Of course, I’ll go. Jay will be there too naman, since he and Sunghoon are cousins.”
“What will be your gift naman kay Sunghoon? I am suddenly curious.” pumangalumbaba pa si Sunoo habang nakaharap kay Jake.
Jake smirked. “Of course, me.”
Jungwon laughed, while Sunoo gave him a side eye as he drank his matcha.
“Of course, what do I expect?” bulong nito.
“Sungit! Retohan kita!”
“Ha? No thanks. I’d rather be with my books and my notes all the time than be with someone, hindi naman nila ako mabibigyan ng degree na want ko ano.”
“Sounds like magiging single ka forever huh.”si Jake. “Or may hinihintay ka lang na bumalik?”
“True.”si Jungwon.
“Oh, I know where this is going, tigilan niyo na ‘yan. We had a proper closure na, stop na okay?”
“The possibility is high though,” Jungwon shrugged his shoulders. “Heeseung is clearly still in love with you.”
“Paano niyo naman nasabi?” Sunoo chuckled.
“We just know, right Jake?”
“Yes, tumpak ka dyan.” nag-high five pa ang dalawa. “Why don’t you give it a try? Mahal mo pa rin naman siya, hindi ba?”
“Stop guys, I am beginning to hate what we are talking about right now.” ibinaba niya ang kanyang inumin sa lamesa.
“We are too far, okay? Heeseung is now successful,” palipat lipat ang tingin niya sa dalawang kaibigan. “While me? I am still finding my purpose. I am still in the process of learning how to love myself, ayokong madamay siya sa kung ano man na nangyayari sa akin.”napayuko ito.
“Sun,”pagtawag ni Jake, holding his hand.
“Natatakot akong maranasan niya ulit yung naranasan niya sa akin noon. And I do not want that to happen again kasi he deserves the best. And the best is not within me.”
Pagod na umuwi si Sunoo sa kanyang condo, he threw himself at his bed and closed his eyes.
;
“What happened Mr. Kim? Mababa ang exams mo this semester. Nahuhuli ka rin daw sa pagpasa ng mga activities. What happened? I’m afraid you’ll not be able to maintain your rank.”Nakatungo lamang si Sunoo, nalulungkot sa naririnig mula sa kanilang Dean.
Hindi niya alam kung paano niya ito sasabihin ulit sa Mama at Papa niya, he is slowly going down.
Tahimik na lumabas ng office si Sunoo with a heavy heart.
His phone vibrated.
Fr: Lovey
Love, hindi muna kita masusundo ah? Tinawagan kasi ako ng isang talent company. Bawi ako okay? I love you
Mariin na napapikit si Sunoo at napagdesisyunang umuwi na lamang sa kanilang bahay.
“Sunoo, anak,”napalingon si Sunoo sa kanyang ina. “Aalis lang kami ng Papa mo, puntahan namin si Kuya Baekhyun mo sa Maynila para sa oath taking niya ha? Balik kami sa isang araw kasi may gagawin din ang Papa mo doon.”walang nagawa kundi tumango si Sunoo.
Ah right, his older brother passed the board exam of Certified Public Accountant. Isa ng CPA ang kanyang kuya.
Saksi siya kung gaano ito nag aral ng mabuti para lang maipasa ang board exam at nagbunga naman ito.
“Mag-iingat po kayo, Ma, Pa.”Pinanood ni Sunoo na makaalis ang kanyang mga magulang.
Tahimik siyang bumalik sa kanyang kwarto para mag-aral.
Pero bakit kahit anong gawing aral niya, hindi niya makuha ulit ang pagiging Dean’s Lister? Hindi niya alam kung bakit, pero kahit anong gawing subsob niya sa pag aaral, hindi niya mapantayan o mahigitan ang kapatid niya? Hindi niya magawang maipagmayabang ng mga magulang niya katulad ng nangyari sa Kuya Baekhyun niya? Hindi siya magawang mapansin ng mga relatives niya?
“Mahal, Love, it’s fine mababawi mo rin ‘yan, hm?”Pinunasan ni Heeseung ang kanyang mga luha. Umiling si Sunoo.
“Hee, you’ve seen how much effort, hindi na ako kumakain, natutulog para makuha ‘yang mataas na grades na ‘yan at para makasama sa dean’s lister para mapansin ako nila mama at papa pero ano? Lahat ng ‘yon, wala?”
“Love, naiintindihan nila-”
“Oo, ayon yung sinasabi nila pero alam ko na nag-eexpect pa rin sila.”
“Love, you are doing great okay? I am always right here, I am always proud of you. You don’t need to prove something kasi you are already doing great. Hindi nila alam ang pinagdadaanan mo sa med school kaya do not let their words affect you ha? I am proud of you for staying strong and holding on. Everything you sacrificed will be worth it soon, okay? Trust me, mahal.”Matagal niyang tinitigan si Heeseung bago yakapin.
“I love you, Hee.”Naramdaman niyang hinalikan siya nito sa ulo kaya napapikit siya.
“I love you, Sunoo.”
Days passed by.
Heeseung became busy reviewing for the licensure exam, while Sunoo as usual was busy with school. He is a fourth year student. He barely survived dahil nagsabay din ang duties niya together with the thesis and finding a review center.
Hindi na ganun nagkikita ang dalawa dahil sa kanya kanyang agenda sa buhay. But their communication is still there, never naging issue ito sa kanila.
“Ma, alis lang po ako saglit. May celebration po kasi dahil nakapasa si Hee sa licensure exam.”pagpapaalam ni Sunoo sa kanyang Mama.
“Akala ko ba mag-aaral ka ng buong araw?”tanong ng Mama niya. “Nakakaproud naman yung boyfriend mo, may latin honors na nga tapos one take pa sa licensure exam.”Napalunok si Sunoo.
“Ah, oo nga po eh.”
“Ikaw anak? Galingan mo ah. Mag-aral ka ng mabuti para maging dean’s lister ka na ulit.”
“O-Opo, Ma. Susubukan ko po.”
“Alam mo bang si Kuya Baekhyun mo? Never ‘yang naglakwatsa nung nag-aaral pa, palaging libro ang kaharap kaya grumaduate ng Summa Cum Laude, partida accountancy pa ang course niya,”
“Ma, ano pong gusto niyong iparating?”Kunot noong tumingin sa kanya ang kanyang ina.
“Anong sinasabi mo dyan?”
“Kasi po parang pakiramdam ko, minamaliit niyo ako eh. Minamaliit niyo yung kakayahan ko, nag-aaral din naman po akong mabuti, ma.”
“Sunoo, bakit parang galit ‘yang tono mo, ha?”
“Nagpapaliwanag ako, ma.”Naramdaman ni Sunoo ang pananakit ng dibdib niya. “Bakit ba lagi niyo po akong namimisinterpret? Huh? Hindi na ako kumakain. Ma! Ilang pakete na ng kape ang dumadaloy sa katawan ko, hindi ko na nagagawa yung gusto ko kasi…Kasi nag-aaral ako. Pero ma, kahit kelan naman hindi ka naging proud sa akin.”
“Anong sinasabi mo, Sunoo? Hindi ba’t ilang beses kong sinasabi sa iyo na hindi ka namin pine-pressure ng Papa mo–”
“Ayon na nga, Ma eh! Sinasabi niyo na okay lang kahit hindi ako maging honor student basta maipasa ko lang yung grades ko pero iba yung nakikita ko, Ma.”Sunoo looked at his mother with pain, naghahabol ng hininga niya. “Nag-eexpect kayo na magiging dean’s lister ako pero hindi niyo nakikita na nahihirapan ako. Kahit sila Tita, sila Tito, napapansin niyo lang naman ako kapag may achievement ako ah! Akala niyo po ba na hindi ako nasaktan nung nalaman kong may bagsak ako? Ma, hindi ko alam kung anong mukhang maihaharap ko sa inyo ni Papa kasi hiyang hiya ako,”tuluyan ng pumatak ang kanyang mga luha. “Hiyang hiya ako kasi hindi ako kasing talino ni Kuya, hindi ako kasing galing ni Ate Winter! Hindi ako kaproud proud katulad ni Heeseung,”
“Anak, Sunoo, huwag ka namang magsalita ng ganyan,”
“Ma, nasasaktan din naman po ako sa tuwing nakikita ko na yung pinaghirapan ko, pinagpuyatan ko, at pilit kong iniintindi…kulang parin pala yung sakripisyo na ginawa ko. Kaya I’m sorry, Ma, eto lang po ako. I’m sorry kung palagi ko kayong nadidisappoint, I’m sorry kung…I’m sorry kung napapahiya ko kayo sa mga kapatid niyo ni Papa.”pinigilan ni Sunoo ang kanyang paghikbi. Ang sakit sakit na. “Ang hirap pong maging anak niyo.”
“Anak, Sunoo,”bago pa makalapit ay agad ng umalis si Sunoo sa bahay nila.
–
Of course Sunoo will not go into his boyfriend’s party looking like that. Nagpalipas oras muna siya sa isang store bago dumeretso siya sa venue.
“Hey, love.”Agad siyang sinalubong ni Heeseung na agad niya nginitian at niyakap.
“Congrats, Love.”Sunoo did his best to give the most real and sincere smile to his boyfriend para hindi ito makahalata.
“Thank you, halika, samahan kitang kumuha ng food.”
“Hm,”
Sunoo just stared at his boyfriend all throughout his stay, masaya ito, nakangiti, maraming kaibigan na kausap.
Hindi alam ni Sunoo kung bakit nakakaramdam siya ng inggit at selos nung mga oras na iyon. Nagseselos ba siya dahil may ibang kausap si Heeseung? O nagseselos siya dahil masaya ito habang siya ay nagdurusa.
Napailing si Sunoo sa naiisip. He felt like a bad guy thinking about it.
He looked away and drank the juice that he’s been holding on to. After almost one and a half hour, Sunoo then decided to go to his boyfriend para magpaalam.
“Love, I’ll go ahead na. Kailangan ko pa kasi mag-aral.”Naramdaman naman niyang pumulupot ang isang braso ng kanyang kasintahan sa kanyang bewang. Kausap nito ang kanyang mga kaibigan na hindi pamilyar kay Sunoo.
“Love, si Karina, Mark, Jaemin, at K. My friends, guys, si Sunoo, boyfriend ko.”
“Hi,”bati ni Sunoo sa mga ito na nginitian ng mga kaibigan.
“Hatid ko lang ‘to.”
“Ha? No need na. Kaya ko na, just enjoy.”
“But, Love…”
“Hee, maaga pa. Hindi mo rin pwedeng iwan ang mga bisita mo ano! Kaya ko okay? Just enjoy the day.”They are now walking their way out of the venue. To convince his boyfriend, Sunoo even gave him a peck on the lips.
“Okay, text me once you get home.”Sunoo smiled widely and nodded his head.
Pagod na humiga sa kanyang kama si Sunoo. Pagkarating niya kasi sa bahay nila, walang tao sa sala kaya naman nagpasalamat din siya dahil it is so awkward for him and his mother to meet after what happened a while ago.
Napaisip siya out of the blue.
His boyfriend looks so happy, while him, broken.
‘If I stayed, the more damage right?’ Sunoo asked himself.
So that night, he tried to call his two best friend, Jungwon and Jake, for a piece of advice.
—
“Love, you wanted to meet?”pinanood ni Sunoo na umupo ang kanyang boyfriend sa kanyang tabi. After a week of thinking, he finally got the answer he’s been looking for. And so he invited his boyfriend one night into a playground.
“Hey, Hee,”bati niya rito. Sunoo looked away, tumitig sa kawalan bago nagpakawala ng buntong hininga. “I want…a break up.”
Heeseung on the other hand looked at his boyfriend, still processing what he just heard.
“A what?”
Sunoo sighed and looked down to his fingers, playing with each other. “Let’s break up, Heeseung.”
Naramdaman ni Sunoo na tumayo ang kanyang kasama only to squat in front of him.
“Sun, look at me,”Heeseung held Sunoo’s chin para mapatingin ito sa kanya. “What is our problem, hm? Why do…Why do you suddenly want for us to break up? What did I do wrong?”
Umiling si Sunoo.
“No, Hee. It’s–I am the one with the problem here.”
“Then, tell me. We’ll try to fix it, Sun.”It’s almost like a whisper.
“Being with me…will just ruin you, Heeseung.”panimula ni Sunoo. “I thought about this the whole week, ayoko na.”Deretso pa itong tumingin sa mga mata ni Heeseung. “Ayoko na, Hee.”
“Sun,”
“Pagod na ako. Nauubos na ako, ayoko na.”Mariin na napapikit si Sunoo at pagmulat nito ay sa ibang direksyon na nakatingin. He cannot afford to see Heeseung’s tears, he doesn't deserve it.
“Sun, let’s fix this. Tell me, what makes my baby tired? Tell me what you’re thinking about kasi mababaliw ako, Sunoo. I feel like a useless boyfriend.”
“No, you do not have a problem, Heeseung. Ako, okay? Ako ang may problema. Insecure ako, naiinggit ako sa’yo…”tuluyan na ang pagtulo ng luha ng binata. “I can’t afford to be mad at you sa bagay na deserve mo. Naiinggit ako sa’yo kasi ikaw ang dami mong achievement sa buhay at a young age, proud sila sa’yo, you never disappoint your relatives, even one time, Hee. At dahil doon, nagseselos ako, inggit na inggit ako kasi…kasi ikaw successful, eh ako? Isang malaking disappointment.”
Heeseung watched his boyfriend cry his heart out.
“I want us to end because I am scared na yung isang araw purong galit at poot na lang yung nararamdaman ko sa’yo and I do not want that to happen, Hee.”umiling ito. “I am sorry.”
Matagal na katahimikan ang bumalot sa dalawa. Iyak lang ni Sunoo ang naririnig habang si Heeseung ay nakatitig dito, malalim ang iniisip.
“Okay,”panimula nito. “I understand. Thank you for telling me your reason, Sunoo.”yumuko ito. “As much as I don’t want to let you go but it’s hard to see you begging, love. For the last time I will ask you again,”Heeseung held Sunoo’s hands. “Do you really want us to part ways?”
Sunoo nodded.
“I need words, love.”Kahit hirap, Sunoo tried to look into Heeseung’s eyes.
“I…want this.”Heeseung nodded.
“I understand.”
And that night, another love has come to an end.
–
Wearing his uniform, dumeretso si Sunoo sa party ng special someone ng kanyang kaibigan. Nakalimutan niyang magdala ng pangpalit dahil late ba naman itong nagising kaninang umaga. So, Jake, his best friend lend him his jacket para kahit papaano ay matakpan naman ang uniform niya. Baka ma-demerit pa siya ano!
Sunghoon rented a whole place for the celebration, ayon ang sabi ni Jake kay Sunoo. Jungwon and Jay were already there. Sunoo looked at himself in the mirror of Jake’s car to fix himself. He put on powder and a lip balm.
“Nagpapaganda yan?”natatawang tanong ni Jake sa kanya.
“I am just trying to look presentable. Hindi na nga ako nakapagdala ng pamalit oh.”ngumuso pa ito. “Nakakahiya.”
“Bagay naman sa’yo, huwag ka nga.”sabi nito. “Duraan mo ako, Doc.”
“Yuck! That is so unhygienic, Jake. May spitting kink ka ba?”Sinamaan ng tingin ni Sunoo ang kaibigan.
“Ang seryoso mo naman!”
Napailing na lamang ang isa at sumandal ng maayos sa kotse. It never took them an hour ng makarating sa venue. Agad na pumasok ang dalawa ng makapagpark na si Jake.
Smells of foods, alcohol, and even vapes ang sumalubong kay Sunoo ng makapasok. Tinakpan niya ang kanyang ilong as he follow his friend, Jake na hinahanap ang birthday celebrant.
“Hoon! Happy birthday!”Sunoo removed his hand from covering his nose at tinignan si Sunghoon na ngayon ay nakayakap kay Jake.
“Happy birthday, Sunghoon.”bati niya rito na agad nitong tinanguan.
“Sunoo, ikaw pala. Kain na kayo.”He just nodded and looked around. Sana lang ay wala siyang kaklase niya na nandito.
“Sunoo! Galing ka pang school?”napalingon siya sa nagsalita. It was Kuya Sehun, Sunghoon’s brother.
“Ah, yes po, Kuya.”tumango ito.
“Kain na kayo, andun lang yung food section then yung alcohol section nandoon. Enjoy lang kayo.”
“Thank you, Kuya Sese! Ang gwapo mo talaga!”so Jake.
Kuya Sehun chuckled. “Kaya nagseselos yung jowa mo eh.”nginuso pa nito si Sunghoon na may kausap na kaibigan.
“Kuya naman, joker ka talaga eh ano!”Umiling lamang ito habang nakangiti at nagpaalam na sa magkaibigan.
“Tara.”Jake held Sunoo’s wrist and pulled him into the food section. At dahil gutom nga si Sunoo ay kumuha siya ng rice at mga ulam na gusto niya. He even got himself a dessert at nang matapos ay umupo silang dalawa sa upuan malayo sa nagkukumpulang tao.
The venue is like a bar, but a cozy one. Hindi ganun kasikip, sobrang lawak at mukhang pang mga VIP lang.
‘Magkano kaya ang rent nila rito?’ Sunoo asked himself but then mentally shrugged his shoulders before continuing eating. Mabagal siyang kumain, inaamin niya. Kaya naman kaunti palang ang nababawas niya sa pinggan niya pero tapos na si Jake.
“You can go to your ‘friend’ na, don’t mind me here.” Sunoo said ng mapansin na lingon nang lingon ang kaibigan sa pwesto ng birthday celebrant.
“Huh?”
“I am not going to hinder you from meeting your loved one, kaya go.”Sinamaan siya ng tingin ng kaibigan pero nagpaalam pa rin naman para umalis at pumunta kay Sunghoon.
Sunoo took out his phone to ask Jungwon, kung nasaan ito para mayaya niyang pumunta sa kanya at masamahan siya. He was too busy eating and looking at his phone kaya hindi na niya napansin ang umupo sa tabi niya.
“Your eating habits haven’t changed, huh? I told you to stop scrolling through your phone while eating.”Agad na nag-angat ng ulo si Sunoo ng marinig ang boses na iyon.
“Hee,”ngumiti siya rito at agad na pinatay ang phone at ipinatong sa lamesa. “Andito ka pala.”sabi nito even though he already knew it.
“Yup. Galing kang school?”Sunoo noticed Heeseung’s stares at his uniform kaya naman napatingin din siya sa kanyang uniform bago ito tinakpan ng jacket. Nakikita na pala.
“Ah, oo. May class and meeting with the groupmates kasi and I forgot to bring clothes, nalate ng gising eh.”kwento niya sa kasama at muling sumubo ng pagkain. “Kumain ka na?”
“Yeah. I was just talking to our friends here.”Sunoo nodded his head. “Do you also have classes tomorrow?”
“Ah, wala. Rest day.”
“Oh, yayayain sana kitang mag-lunch.”Nagtatakang tumingin si Sunoo kay Heeseung.
“Seryoso ka?”
“Yes.”
“Bakit?”Natahimik si Heeseung at umiwas ng tingin.
“To catch up?”Natawa si Sunoo.
“Okay, libre mo?”Agad na tumango ang isa kaya naman nagpanic na agad si Sunoo. “Huy, joke lang. Payag naman ako, pero KKB ha?”
“Huh? It’s okay, I invited you. I’ll pay.”
“Hindi–”
“Next time we eat, sige, ikaw ang magbabayad para fair.”Sunoo tilted his head as he look at Heeseung na nakatingin din sa kanya ngayon, expecting his answer. Sunoo swore like it is starting to make sense pero hinayaan niya na lamang.
“Okay.”
–
SUNOO KIM
When Heeseung said lunch, I didn’t know na isang bonggang restaurant pala ang kakainan namin. Hindi man lang ako nakapagdamit ng maayos. Isang simpleng jeans at sweater lang ang suot ko habang siya ay nakasuit.
I held the sleeves of his suit.
“Hee, hindi mo naman nasabi na dito tayo kakain. Hindi ako nakapag-ayos oh.”ngumuso pa ako. Nilingon naman niya ako at natawa.
“You are at your comfort naman kaya it’s fine. You’re already pretty.”Napailing ako sa narinig.
“Bobolahin mo nanaman ako.”We were escorted to the room reservation at honestly, I find the atmosphere very calming and cozy. Lunch time pa lang pero feeling ko dinner na. We were just talking to each other hanggang sa maihatid na ang mga pagkain.
I watched how our food entered one by one.
“Hee,”tawag ko habang nakatingin sa mga pagkain sa lamesa. “Seryoso ka ba?”
“Hm, why?”Tinignan ko siya.
“This is a lot,”I said. “Like, a lot! Hindi natin mauubos ‘to!”Napansin ko ang titig niya sa akin pero binalewala ko iyon kasi hello? How can we supposed to eat this 6 dishes na ito ng kaming dalawa lang? Plano niya ba akong busugin? Ano ‘to, last supper?
“Eat, Sunoo. You’re too thin. Kumakain ka pa ba?”napairap ako sa narinig. “We can take out the remaining then, and we’ll eat at your place mamayang dinner.”
I tilt my head as I slowly look at him, a smile forming on my lips dahil sa narinig.
“At my place, huh?”He licked his lips and nag-lean forward, ipinatong ang kanyang braso sa lamesa, his fingers playing with each other. Pinanood ko lang siyang mag-isip ngayon sa harap ko. Kinuha ko ang glass with water at ininom iyon habang nakatingin pa rin sa kanya.
I have a hunch, pero ayokong mag-assume. But am I ready? I don’t know. But Heeseung never left my mind, he never left my heart. Ang corny man pakinggan pero after all these years, hindi siya nawala sa akin. He became a big part of me. Mahal ko siya, I was confused noon, I felt insecure, I envied him, I was jealous of his achievements, and that was the biggest mistake I made. Nagpadala ako, I was at my limit, It was hard controlling myself kasi ang dami kong napagdaanan noon. I lost him. And I saw myself in those years without him, It felt lonely. I am lonely. Lifeless, dark, and suffocating.
I depend on Heeseung a lot, and when we part ways, hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakaahon. Breathing that time became hard, waking up without him? I once enjoyed mornings, but when we broke up, parang feeling ko gumigising na lang ako para matulog ulit. Ganun ang paulit ulit na nararamdaman ko noon. But I focused myself on studying, I strived to become the best para kahit papaano maging proud sa akin ang sarili ko, not anyone, but myself. Para masabi kong kahit papaano worth it yung ginawa mong pag-iwan sa akin, kasi nagiguilty ako.
“It’s still you…”Heeseung met my stares. “I still love you, Sunoo.”
I gave him a small smile.
“Those years without you, I didn’t know how I would survive without seeing you beside me. I was broken, the only comfort I found was to write songs, I think of you everyday. Kahit anong gawin ko, naiisip kita, para na akong baliw but I don’t care. I tried to move on, I dated different people but no one ever comes close to you. No one made me feel special like what you always do. I miss you everyday, I miss your smile, your stares, your pout, your warmth, everything about you, Sunoo.”pinakinggan ko lang siya.
“You are my greatest love, my first love. And I have no plans of leaving you again. Even if you push me away again, I will do everything to make you fall in love with me again. I cannot imagine my life without you, Sunoo. So, please, let me court you again.”
I watch as he looks at me with those doe eyes. He is begging to me, I never saw this coming. Hindi ko alam na darating yung araw na he will court me again. All this time akala ko moved on na ako, pero hindi pala. I was just healed, but never moved on. I still love Heeseung, and I love this version of mine now. Kasi ngayon, I can love him without any doubts about myself.
Siguro totoo nga yung sabi nila na, you can only love someone as a whole, if you love yourself first. I accepted all my flaws, all my mistakes, I learned to love and trust myself again, kaya nabuo ang version ko na ganito.
Pero after hearing Heeseung today, he made me realize na it is time to be with someone again. Deserve ni Heeseung ng pagmamahal ng buo, and I am willing to give it to him because I am now ready. I want to be with him. I want to be his habambuhay.
Ngumiti ako ng malaki at tumayo para lumapit sa kanya. I found him cute when I saw how confused he is ng makita akong naglalakad papalapit sa kanya. I cupped his cheeks and leaned in to give him a soft kiss. It took me almost 10 seconds bago ako humiwalay sa kanya. Natawa ako when I saw how surprised he is pero agad din siyang nakabawi dahil tumayo siya, he is taller than me kaya naman medyo napatingala pa ako.
This time, hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at hinalikan ako. Kung kanina ay soft and steady, ngayon naramdaman kong gumalaw ang labi niya. He pulled me closer to him, his right hand on my waist and his left hand on my neck. I hugged his neck as I tiptoed to kiss him back.
I will never make the same mistakes that I did years ago. I'll make it right this time. I'll make it worthwhile. I'll spend the rest of my days with you.
I still adore you, Heeseung. You've always been the one.