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You get friend zoned enough times you tend to drop it. Wade Wilson was persistent, but he definitely could take no for an answer, so after enough shrodingers-pick-up-lines, he gave up on being Spidey’s boyfriend and tried to solidify his spot as a bestie-superhero-friend-forever.
{Like that’s ever going to happen.}
[Yeah! Spidey only started tolerating you since you started bringing food.]
{I bet he still secretly hates you. Or he would hate you if you actually showed him what was under your mask.}
‘Shut the hell up, guys. Daddy is setting the scene
It seemed he was pretty successful in the friend's department, despite what the voices told him. Because right now, his precious Spidey-kins was lamenting about his recent escapades in love, and if that wasn’t bestie behavior, Wade didn’t know what was.
“So I met this guy…” Spidey was saying, and boy, that felt like a punch in the gut. So Peter was bi. He liked men, he just clearly didn’t like Deadpool, and that was fine. Deadpool could put on his big boy pants, push down his feelings and be a supportive bro for his totally platonic bestie.
“...Well, I haven’t exactly met him, just admiring from afar.” Wade almost breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe there was still a chance if they weren’t even in the talking phase.
[Like you would even have a chance in the first place.]
Wade ignored the boxes.“Oh, spidey, are you nervous to make the first move.” he teased playfully, elbowing him.
“Hey, it’s a lot harder when I don’t have the mask.”
“Oh, I’m sure .” Wade teased.
“It is!”
“Uh-huh. Whatever you need to tell yourself, sweetheart.” Wade said, propping his head on his hand. “tell me more about this mystery man.”
“He’s hot, jawline you could cut your finger on, cheekbones for days.” Peter sounded like he was in a state of ecstasy describing his crush, and Wade couldn’t help but feel jealous and defeated. Of course, the person Spidey liked would be super hot. Spidey deserved the best and It's not like anyone could ever find him attractive after what weapon x did to him.
{Nobody could ever love you when you look like burnt scrambled eggs.}
[Or an avocado that someone ran over with a car.]
{Even the prostitutes don’t want to touch you.}
[You are going to be alone forever.]
Wade hummed an affirmative to Spidey, hoping he couldn’t tell that the voices were being absolute bitches.
“He’s also like super built, lifts a shit ton of weights.” That caught Wade’s attention, finally something that didn't involve pretty looks and a little bit of a hint at the man behind the mask.
“Oh, is this a gym crush? Does the amazing Spiderman lift weights on the weekend? The mutant genes not enough to keep that prime physique?”
“Shut the hell up ‘Pool. It's got hot showers and free wifi.”
“You could always come over to my place if you really want a hot shower.” Deadpool said seductivly.
{I thought you were done with flirting with Spidey}
[Yeah, no means no dickwad.]
{He's talking to you about his man crush on some other guy. He definitely doesn’t want your ugly ass.}
“I’ll stick to the gym showers, thanks.” Spidey said in monotone sarcasm.
Because Wade was a fucking masochist, he kept the conversation topic going,“Alright, I never took you to be the shallow type Baby-boy, other than steaming hot looks what else does this guy have?” ‘-that I don’t?’ was the silent afterthought that Wade thankfully had the consciousness to censor.
“He seems funny, I overhear him talking to the owner of the gym and some of the other people there, and he just makes me laugh. Sometimes I don’t have any music playing just so I could hear his crazy arguments.”
[Aren’t we funny?]
{No, we’re just creepy.}
[We should find this guy and see if he’s funnier than us. There’s no way, right?]
“He also is a huge nerd,” Spiderman continued, “like Star Wars tee-shirts and doctor who merch. One time he screamed twilight quotes at the receptionist.”
{If only we were more pretty, that totally could have been us. We are so good at nerd-pop culture stuff.}
[Even if we were pretty, Spidey still wouldn’t want us.]
{Although maybe if this little crush were to disappear…}
‘We are not killing Spidey’s gym crush.’ Wade thought angrily at the boxes.
“God, and he just seems so confident,” Peter continued, blissfully unaware of Deadpool’s distress, “like he makes all these quips and stuff, things I wish I could say when I’m outside of the mask.”
“Sounds like a real stud. So when are you going to make a move?” Wade hoped the answer would be, never.
“Yeah, right, like that’s going to happen. He stopped showing up at the gym a while ago. And it's not like I know anything about where he went. I don’t even know his name.”
Before Wade could think better of it “Do you want me to hunt him down for you?”
[So we can kill him, right?]
{No way Spidey would ever forgive us if we did that. Let's find him and hope that Spidey invites us to the wedding.}
Spiderman paused for a second, thinking it over. “How the hell would you do that?”
“I’m a mercenary, sweetums. Finding people is what I do.”
“Ok yeah, honestly, maybe. I thought this was going to be something I just got over, you know? But it’s been like almost a month, and he’s still on my mind. So if you could find him, that would be great.”
“If he transferred to another gym, I’ll let you know which one so you can keep on being a stalker who listens in on his private conversations.”
“I am regretting enlisting your help already.”
“Ok, other than smoking hot, I’m going to need some details, like any defining features, things like that.
“Oh yeah. So he is covered in scars, like his entire body, I think, Otherwise, just textured skin, maybe some sort of mutation. He’s bald, at least when I’ve seen him without his hood. Doesn’t have eyebrows but does have really defined eyebrow ridges. You probably also need the gym and stuff to figure it out, right? ‘Pool?”
[There is no way he goes to Dom’s gym!]
{Wait, are we the mystery guy? Or is Spidey just making a really unfunny practical joke?}
[He must be lying about this whole thing].
“Is the gym called Lucky Lifters?” Wade asked.
“Holy shit ‘Pool, you’re incredible! How did you know?”
“Been keeping an eye on that guy for a while. He’s bad news Webs. You deserve someone better.”
[WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!]
{We’re a killer. Even if he thinks we're hot, he still hates Deadpool.}
[HE THINKS OUR UGLY ASS IS HOT!]
{He’s going to think this is some sort of practical joke on him. If you tell him, then you’ll never be friends and lose him forever.}
[TAKE OFF YOUR MASK. TELL HIM RIGHT NOW.]
{Don’t do that. You should leave, go home, and put a bullet in your head.}
“I think he mentioned something about being in the military or secret service. Are you telling me he’s part of HYDRA.”
“No, not part of Hydra, But he is a killer. You should stay away Spidey.”
“Ok, so you definitely know who he is, though. Can you tell me? Please I'm losing my mind over here.”
“You don't want him. Trust me.”
“Now I'm curious you at least have to tell me who he is, give me a name or something?”
“No.”
“What the hell ‘Pool? I can handle it.”
“Just drop it, Webs.”
“You know who he is. Is he really bad news? Like should I be concerned? Is he one of your hits? Oh shit, Deadpool, did you kill him? Is that why he hasn't been at the gym? Deadpool, I thought you gave up merc work?”
“I did.”
“Then why the fuck have you been keeping an eye on him. What the fuck is he involved in.”
“Please, Spidey, I'm begging you, just drop it.”
“Ok, I seriously don't get the big deal! I hang out with you; you're dangerous. What's so different about this guy.”
“There's nothing different.”
“So tell me who he is, a name, anything!”
Wade wrung out his hands, fiddling with the leather of his gloves.
[Show him your face!]
{If he sees your face, it's over. He's going to hate you. It will ruin your friendship.}
“Fuck webs, please don't hate me for this.” Wade pulled the mask off, the cool night air rushing over the groves in his skin. Feeling like a breath of fresh air. Wade thought he was going to be sick.
“Why would I- oh shit.”
“Yeah.” Wade refused to look over at Spidey,
“Oh my god, I'm so sorry, fuck I'm such an idiot. I should go, right?”
{See, he’s leaving. You ruined everything, as always}.
“Do whatever you want, Spiderman.”
“God, I am so sorry ‘Pool, I really didn’t know it was you. And, of course, you wouldn’t be interested. I’m so sorry for pushing it. Fuck sorry. ” and before Wade could protest, Spidey was web-slinging across the New York skyline.
{You fucked it all up.}
[Wait, what was that about us not being interested?]
{He hates you}
[No, you made it seem like you wouldn't be interested because you hesitated to tell him.]
“Crap, I'm so interested, though.”
[I think it's time to renew that gym membership.]
—
Wade had only ever gotten the gym membership as a favor to Dom. The gym was just starting out, and Dom needed customers. Something about her pitch was just really compelling, and Wade had gotten stuck with a full-year membership. Eventually, it hit the end of the year. Wade decided to avoid the gym and Dom so he wouldn't get roped in again. But now he was back in the warehouse-turned-gym, and Dom had a smug look on her face.
“I think one month should be good,” Wade said.
{Yeah, that’s enough time to camp out and spot civilian spidey.}
“It's a much better deal if you do the full year,” Dom replied.
“I really don’t have the funds for it.”
“Are you sure you don’t?” Dom said, raising her eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m sure!” there was a ding from Wade's phone. Pulling it out, it looked like he just got a transfer of money from a previous client and a message about accidentally underpaying him.
{That tricky bastard!}
[Yay! More money!]
“Still don’t have enough?”
“Fuck you and your stupid luck powers, fine! I’ll get the year-long membership.”
“Pleasure doing business with you.”
“Suck my clit, Dom.”
“Whatever, Wade, I’m going to get out of here. Don’t do anything gross in my entryway.” Dom said as she went back into the office
“What the fuck is that suppose to mean!” Wade yelled as he turned to leave. Just then, a super cute guy with mousy brown hair, glasses, and an ass you could bounce a quarter off, walked into the gym carrying a laptop bag. He was so engrossed in his phone he bumped into Wade as he made his way through the entryway.
“Sorry Man,” The guy said. Wade wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but the look of recognition and blush that filled the nerdy guy's face when he looked up was unmistakable. This was his Spidey.
[It’s him! He’s even hotter outside the mask]
{you should leave. You’re going to fuck this up.}
[Don’t leave! Just put on that Wilson charm!]
“No problem, cutie,” Wade said.
A blush crept onto the smaller man's face, the red rivaling his suit. “Y-you know, you’re not too bad yourself.” Webs stuttered out.
“Yeah, I work out,” Wade said, flexing his muscles.
“Not lately.” Web’s said with a sly smile.
“Gym membership expired, sweetheart. Didn’t have a reason to renew it until recently. Were you watching me, Baby-boy? ” The blush on Spidey's face only increased.
“I was going to offer to help spot you at some point.” Spidey Mumbled.
“Oh really? you could spot me with those twig arms?” Wade said, gently bumping Web’s shoulder.
“I’m stronger than I look.” Spidey retorted, sticking an adorable pink tongue out at Wade.
“I’m sure you are.”
“If you don’t need help in the gym…” Spidey said, fiddling with his laptop bag strap, “I could also help you somewhere else…”
“The bedroom?”
“I was thinking a coffee shop. Maybe the bedroom later if you really woo me.”
“Oh, I will aim to woo, and what is the name of the cutie-patootie that’s asking me out?”
“Peter.”
“Nice to meet you, Petey-pie. My name is Wade.”