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Valkyrie hated having to pee at four in the morning. You could literally run into anything at this hour during the walk to the bathroom. Once she’d seen what she thought was the Devil’s red, glowing eyes staring at her from a dark room, but it turned out Bloodhound was just reading in the dark like some kind of weirdo. Once Octane walked by wearing a short ruffle dress and all he said about it was, “It’s Che’s,” which answered one question and rose many more.
Halfway there, she swore she heard a clatter from the kitchen. She recalled Rampart telling her about walking in on Revenant and Ash in there all the time, so part of her wanted to stay far the hell away from there, but when she realized it was coming from inside the pantry, the other part of her wanted to defend the food from whatever the two of them might be doing. The pantry’s dim light glowed in the cracks of the door and she could see the shadow of movement on the other side as she reached for the handle.
The clatter in the pantry turned out to indeed be Revenant, but without Ash’s accompaniment. He was sitting on the floor, surrounded by blank cans and torn labels. Valkyrie watched him select a can of fruit cocktail from the bottom shelf and use one of his claws to slit the label in half and peel it off. He chuckled to himself as he deposited the label into the pile and rolled the can away before reaching for a can of Spaghetti Loops.
“Trashcan, what are you doing?” she asked.
He sharply turned his upper body, scattering one of the stacks of label-less cans he was defacing. “Tearing the labels off all the cans,” he replied as he swiftly peeled the label off the can of Spaghetti Loops in his hand. “Next time someone wants some soup, it’s going to be a can roulette.” He grabbed a can of pears and started peeling the label off that one as well. “Is it a can of pineapple chunks, cranberry sauce, or beef stew? You won’t know until you open it.”
Valkyrie rolled her eyes and started to back out of the pantry. It was too early for her to deal with this petty shit.
“I also changed the wifi password and I’m not telling you what I changed it to,” he snickered.
She mumbled, “Calm down, Satan,” and started to shut the door when she heard him say, “What the hell?” and quickly opened it again.
“What is it now, Trashcan?” she asked.
He was rotating a can that he’d found all the way at the back of the pantry under the bottom shelf. He looked concerned as he read the label and stood up without peeling it off. Valkyrie stepped aside as he carried it to the table and set it in the middle.
“How old is this?” Revenant asked.
Valkyrie suddenly realized what he meant when she saw the rust spots on the bloating can. The label showed signs of water damage and was dented on one side. She didn’t recognize the brand on the label, which looked ancient and was partially peeled in one spot.
Apparently Valkyrie wasn’t the only one who had to pee at four in the morning, because Horizon asked, “What is going on in here?” before flicking on the light. Valkyrie hissed at the sudden brightness, which didn’t seem to affect Revenant’s eyes since his could probably adjust to light changes faster. “What are you both standing around in the dark for?”
She looked at them both suspiciously, knowing the two of them didn’t exactly have a friendly relationship given both of their history with Loba. She seemed relieved to see that they didn’t appear to be fighting or threatening each other at all and were both instead enamored by a can in the middle of the table, temporarily united in their awe of what looked like a rusty can of old soup.
Revenant pushed the can across the table towards her. “Check out this can of vegetable soup I found.”
Unlike Valkyrie, Horizon seemed to recognize the brand, and she seemed mildly surprised that she did, considering she could remember when the company had gone under due to a scandal involving insider trading. Maybe someone had bought the brand name and continued manufacturing it? She rotated it in her hand until she found the expiration date.
“This expired when I was 7 years old…” she said. “Where did you find this?”
Revenant pointed towards the closet. “Bottom of the pantry, all the way in the way back, encased in a spider web.”
Gibraltar’s thundering footsteps could be heard coming up the hallway before they heard his voice. “Someone kicked my laptop off the wifi and I can’t sign back in. Does anyone know what the password is?” He suddenly spotted the can in Horizon’s hand and stepped closer to get a better look. “I think my grandma has the same can of soup in the cabinet next to the Oat Loops…”
Valkyrie suggested, “We should open it to see what it looks like.”
Gibraltar just showed up and was already digging through the drawers. “I’ll find the can opener!”
Horizon set the can back on the table. “The can looks a little bloated. It might pop,” she warned.
The backdoor opened and they could all hear the jingle of Fuse’s car keys as he and Bloodhound entered the kitchen from outside. They both seemed surprised to see everyone in the kitchen, staring at a can of soup on the table while Gibraltar dug through the drawers looking for something to open it with.
Fuse looked at the bag of fast food that they’d brought with them. “If I’d have known everyone was awake and this hungry, we would have brought you all something.”
Revenant chuckled. “I wouldn’t suggest you eat anything from this can unless you want to find out if the dog’s gods are real.”
Bloodhound was eating cold, soggy fries through the hole in their respirator where the oxygen tube was supposed to go. They slowly started to lose their appetite when they looked closer at the state of the can. “I would not eat anything from that can if it were the last food source on Talos.”
Gibraltar victoriously held a manual can opener over his head. “I found it!” he said before slapping it on the table.
They all then stared at it, the can of rotting soup in the center of the table looking like it was getting more and more putrid by the second.
Fuse shook his head. “Well I’m not opening it.”
Valkyrie agreed. “If it pops, I want to be standing all the way back here.”
“I’ll do it,” Revenant volunteered. “Maybe if I’m lucky, the smell will finally kill me.”
Valkyrie stepped back while Revenant made the first puncture with the can opener. Rancid soup sprayed out of the hole from the pressurized can like an infected wound and splattered his hand and forearm, the table, and part of the floor. The smell was strong enough to make him start gagging as it triggered the part of his mind that still had a gag reflex. Everyone else recoiled away from the table from the foul odor seeping from the puncture.
“Ugh! I think it’s fermented,” he said as he slowly started to open it.
Bloodhound quickly plugged up the hole in their respirator with the oxygen tube and took a deep breath of filtered air. “It’s not helping!” they said.
Valkyrie clamped her hands over her nose, the putrid smell traveling all the way back where she was standing. “It smells like dead fish and microwaved vomit!”
“It looks like dead fish and microwaved vomit,” Fuse said.
The preview of the soup’s appearance splattered on Revenant’s arm was a pale vomit color that looked like mushy vegetables mixed with chicken broth. They awaited to see what the rest of it looked like. Revenant grabbed a dirty plate by the sink and dumped the can of soup out. None of the vegetables could be distinguished from one another and had all broken down into chunks of the same colored goo. If the label hadn’t declared it to be vegetable soup, they’d have no idea what it was supposed to be.
Horizon looked at Gibraltar. “Tell your grandmum to throw that can out!”
He already had his phone out and was sending a text. “I’m already doing just that,” he replied.
They now had another dilemma. They were all staring at a plate of what was probably 90% botulism and 10% rust and had no idea what to do with it. They couldn’t just throw it in the trash, then it would sit in there and make the entire building stink, and they couldn’t throw it out on the lawn because they were sure it would kill any plant it touched and render the soil around it barren and unable to grow anything again.
“So now what do we do with it?” Valkyrie asked.
They all silently debated with themselves when Revenant said, “I’m gonna eat it.”
“You’re not serious, are ya mate?” Fuse asked with concern.
He rolled his eyes. “What’s it going to do, kill me?”
He reached for it with the hand that had gotten splattered and did a double take when he realized it was starting to corrode through the metal like xenomorph blood. He clenched his hand into a fist and watched one of his fingers fall off when he released it.
“Well that’s different,” he said.
“What smells like a 40-year-old fish taco in here?” All eyes were on Octane when he stepped into the kitchen. He looked at the century-old soup that was already starting to eat through the ceramic plate. “What is that?”
Revenant pushed the plate away from him. He was suddenly having second thoughts about eating it after a second finger fell off and half his arm suddenly went numb. “A can of soup that’s probably as old as my girlfriend. Wanna try some?”
Octane jiggled the plate and watched it bubble up from the center like gas from a bog. “It looks like the time I tried to make macaroni and cheese from scratch,” he said. “Gimme a spoon!”
Horizon pulled him back from the table. “Oh no, you don’t! If Revenant wants to dissolve whatever he has in place of a stomach, that’s on him, but I’m not letting you kill yourself too!”
“Well if Mama Bear says it’s a bad idea, now I kinda want to eat it too!” Fuse said.
“No, Walter,” Bloodhound replied.
“Hey Octane,” Valkyrie said, “I dare you to eat it.”
“I just got dared to eat it, now I have to!” he protested as he reached for the plate.
Horizon was apparently alone in her opinion because Gibraltar was already handing him a spoon.
“If someone dared you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?” she asked.
Octane didn’t even have to think about it a little before he replied, “Sí! Otherwise they might think I’m a coward!”
Valkyrie replied, “He’d probably livestream it too, Mary.”
Octane took the offered spoon and ducked out of her grasp. “I’m sure it’ll be fine! I’ve survived off my own cooking for years, how bad could it be?”
Horizon looked at his scrawny arms and stick body that were clearly pleading for more sustenance than his usual diet of stims injected directly into a can of Monster and poured into a bowl of Sugar Frosted Sugar-Os. She made a mental note to make extra food for dinner every night so she could make him eat some, assuming she wasn’t about to watch him die on the kitchen floor in half a minute.
Octane scooped up a large spoonful and was about to hastily shove it in his mouth without a second thought when Revenant quickly stopped him.
“Wait, wait! Stop!” he said before grabbing his hand and pulling it away from his mouth. “You’re going to eat it cold?” He reached into one of his pouches and retrieved a lighter from a pack of cigarettes.
“Oh, yeh, what was I thinking?” he laughed.
He grabbed the lighter and started heating the soup in the metal spoon over the meager flame while everyone else, other than Revenant, started to have second thoughts as to whether or not they should stop him. Horizon was shaking her head and had her hands on her hips like a disapproving mother.
She warned him, “You’re going to burn your tongue,” in hopes that he might stop and reconsider, but Octane just shrugged and waited until the soup started to bubble.
Fuse noticed what this looked like and stated, “I bet this would look really wrong if someone else were to walk in here just now.”
Just then, Caustic took two steps into the kitchen to inquire about the wifi password, noticed a foul smell of decomposition, saw everyone watching Octane heat something in a spoon with a Bic lighter, and said, “I don’t want to know,” before turning around and walking back out the same way he came in.
The soup had already smelled like dog shit cold, it was even worse now that it was hot. Even Bloodhound could smell the refreshing scent of burnt ingredients that had been banned for use in food for around a century now through their respirator and Revenant started gagging again.
“Okay, let’s see what it tastes like!” Octane said before putting the spoon in his mouth and barely reacting to the burning sensation of a soot-blackened spoon directly against his tongue.
Instead, he winced from the foul taste as Fuse clamped a hand over his mouth to prevent him from spitting it back out. He swallowed it to get it out of his mouth and started gagging and coughing.
“It tastes like lighter fluid and old socks!” he said. He reached for the plate. “Give me some more.”
“No!” Horizon said as she stopped him from taking a second spoonful. “I’m not going to be the one to explain to Ajay why you’re dyin’ on the kitchen floor!”
“I’ll do it,” Revenant volunteered as he pushed the plate closer to him.
The concentrated evil that had been unleashed from the can seemed to mix with the stims in Octane’s bloodstream and the effects hit him instantly, like Mad Maggie’s wrecking ball falling down a flight of stairs. He started looking around the room with a spaced out look in his expression.
“¡Carajo! It’s like I’m seeing into another dimension! Is this what it’s like to be Wraith?”
Bloodhound started to feel concerned when Octane spaced out for twenty seconds as though staring at a hallucination. “Is he alright?”
“Are you okay, bruddah?” Gibraltar asked as Octane started reaching for him and touching his face.
“Everything’s in 3-D! It’s like I can actually touch you!” he exclaimed. Gibraltar grabbed him by the wrists and pulled his hands away from his face.
Valkyrie said, “The worst part is, I can’t even tell if he’s acting weird or if he’s just being Octane.”
“Everything’s blue! Why are you all on fire?” Octane asked.
Revenant chuckled. “Yep. That’s the botulism.”
Fuse replied, “I’m sure he’s going to be alright.”
A few minutes later, the quiet was pierced by the sound of an ambulance speeding in their direction, rushing to grab their dying patient and take him to the hospital before it was too late.
Everyone looked away from the window as the flashing lights passed them by. “That’s weird timing,” Valkyrie said. “It’s almost like they knew.”
They all suddenly realized that Octane was laying facedown on the table in a puddle of drool and the plate of fermented soup. Bloodhound gave his shoulder a few sharp pokes to try to stir him, but he didn’t move.
“Huh. I think he died,” Revenant said.
Gibraltar looked closer and saw bubbles in the soup where Octane was breathing into it. “Nope.” He pulled him out by the back of his head and realized that the lights were still on, but no one was home.
“Damn…always gotta shatter my hopes and dreams,” Revenant complained. He pushed his chair back and got up to return to the pantry. “I’ve got more labels to defile.”
“I still have to pee,” Valkyrie said as she excused herself.
“We still have to eat our food. I’m starvin’,” Fuse said as he and Bloodhound left.
Gibraltar let go of Octane and let him splash back into the soup. “I guess I’ll go to bed and hope someone figures out the wifi tomorrow morning.”
Horizon was left there with a science experiment eating through a plate on the table and Octane passed out in it. She sighed and started dragging him out of the kitchen.
“Why do I always have to keep him alive?” she asked as she pulled him towards Lifeline’s room.
As she was halfway out of the room, Revenant shouted from the pantry, “It was boobs! I changed the password to boobs!”