Work Text:
Dan Heng sits on the edge of the bed in his hotel room, fingers slotted between each other in his lap as he stares at his reflection in the mirror. With nothing but the moon’s rays to act as his audience, long black strands flow down his shoulders and translucent jade horns glimmer in the light. The long teal coat he wears is replaced with silk and sleeves that pool themselves off the side of the mattress.
This image he sees, is not him. Instead, he has convinced himself that it is Dan Feng. Inhibitor Lunae. A High Elder of the Vidyadhara who led his people to a wake of destruction. Perhaps, how many times he has told others and himself that? It is what the people of the Xianzhou Luofu think.
These titles are things he no longer wants to hear.
Because he is not him.
Rather, he is no longer him.
He is Dan Heng, the guard, and archiver of the Nameless.
Though it is not simply something he can turn a blind eye to. If anything, the book about the history of the Vidyadhara being left open and abandoned on the coffee table next to him is viable proof. Had Astral Express' spontaneous visit to the Xianzhou Luofu not ended with a word in question from Jing Yuan asking for aid regarding the marastruck, Dan Heng would have perhaps abandoned the guise of the High Elder as soon as they sealed the Stellaron away.
But who are the Nameless, but a group of trailblazers who make it their mission to deal with these problems anyways? Even after a tiring journey onboard the Xianzhou Luofu, as soon as Bronya notified them of the Fragmentum beginning to sharply increase in number, they immediately charted their course back to Jarilo-IV.
So, at first, Dan Heng was hesitant. He always made it clear that he and Dan Feng were not two of the same, but two different beings.
What immeasurable sins that Dan Feng did were not by Dan Heng's will.
(To wake up bound with chains across every fiber of his being and left staring for days into a void of darkness and emptiness with no understanding of why… part of him wanted to know. Part of him did not.
He decided after being released from his shackles and the looks of hatred that this body–no–that Dan Heng did not want to know.)
But fractures of Dan Feng 's memories come about in his slumber, the sins of Imbibitor Lunae creeping in from behind him and leaving a relentless hold on his mind. Once let loose, all that remained were the long nights of reliving the ghosts of what felt like someone else's memories.
Dan Heng leaves his place on the mattress, stepping closer to the mirror. For a second, his hand reaches out to touch his reflection, but he falters. There's a knock at his door.
It must be March and Stelle, he thinks. There could possibly be no one else besides those two at this time. After disembarking the Express and a resurfaced Scalegorge Waterscape, he's never delved so much into Dan Feng 's story to the Nameless. Despite the tumultuous journey it took to get him here, it is Himeko's gentle smile, Welt's comforting hand at his shoulder, March's relentlessly bright character, and Stelle's supportive thumbs up that provide him some sense of reassurance.
With a step forward and a twist of his wrist, Dan Heng pulls open the wooden door. Suddenly light seafoam blue stares into deep ocean blue–a color he's grown to love. He looks up at the taller figure standing in front of him. This is in fact, not March and Stelle, as the short blond locks and piercing blue eyes matching the cape swaying at his side are indicative of one person and only one person in Belobog.
"...Gepard," Dan Heng finally breathes out. It's as if his energy is seeping out of his body, leaving his limbs feeling as heavy as stone and he can't budge.
"Dan Heng...?" Gepard sounds almost as astonished as he is. Dan Heng can tell that Gepard is taking in his new appearance with the way his enthralled gaze seems to trail away from his face and then back up to acknowledge the horns upon Dan Heng's head.
Shutting his eyes in defeat, Dan Heng's hands ball at his sides, pressing crescent-shaped indents into his palms. Suppose the cycrane can only fly so far until it's caught its own trap. He's clearly at a loss, and there's no one to blame but himself.
"...I can explain. I will let you ask all you want to hear."
After the incident in Scalegorge Waterscape, it was only recently that the Nameless saw him in this form. He's beginning to talk more and more about who Dan Feng is and his association with the Xianzhou Luofu... otherwise he never spoke of it.
For the months that he and Gepard have been together, he has intended to effectively keep Gepard in the dark, something that had harbored guilt in him from the very start.
Keeping his past a secret is of his own volition. He's lucky to have the Nameless be so understanding of why he never talks about the Luofu, but there's always the taste of bile that burns in Dan Heng’s throat—the thought of hiding things from Gepard has always felt wrong.
For someone who has been so open and caring, it must've felt so terribly unfair. So unfair that Gepard could bear his heart and scars to Dan Heng, but he couldn't reciprocate it, even the smallest bit.
It's not like he doesn't trust Gepard. In some moments, he feels like he doesn’t know why he’s keeping quiet. That part of him also thinks he’s just scared. But at the same time, why is he scared? There's this unending fear of losing any more than he already has biting at his ankles.
By the words of the Vidyadhara, Dan Heng is already testing fate by being with Gepard.
He’s of a race that lives in a constant cycle of rebirth and reincarnation. The closest thing to “dying” is losing their memories—shedding them of their own identity to start anew. The appearance may be the same, but the being inside is far from the previous iteration. Therefore, when it comes to falling in love, loving someone from a short-lived species is rarely an ideal concept.
So, if Dan Feng was here in this room, he wouldn't have foolishly fallen in love with a mortal. A regular human being who lives on another planet and knows nothing about the Xianzhou Luofu and the Vidyadhara? That alone would have an even lesser chance.
Dan Heng did anyway.
Like a testament to the Aeon of Abundance, it was many months ago on a typical, cold Belobog night when Dan Heng found comfort in the embrace of Belobog's renowned Silvermane Captain, Gepard Landau.
(In the dimly lit entrance of the Neverwinter Workshop, the heater serving as their only source of light, Gepard awkwardly extends a haphazardly made bouquet of Ball Peonies into Dan Heng's arms. "To… ahem, address the rumors circulating around Belobog and its people… I believe that having some interest in you is well of an understatement."
Dan Heng notes the small bell hanging off the ribbon wrapped around the outside of the bouquet when he takes it from Gepard's hands. Its appearance is remarkably reminiscent of the ball spinning on Cloud Piercer. The pink hue across the captain's cheeks is hard to see, with how close they are to the radiator, but he probably has to give it many thanks since he's likely not any much better off in comparison.
He recalls feeling a warmth in his chest when he's with Gepard. It reminds him of the instance of the sun he felt for a short moment on the Xianzhou Luofu before his exile–but in the shape of an actual human being. He wants to immerse himself in it.
"Hmm… is that so?" Dan Heng pulls the bouquet a little closer to his chest, almost squeezing it. "Then uhm, I shouldn't find myself needing to explain the rumors you may have heard regarding yourself from me to you, I suppose."
The look of confusion on Gepard's face lasts for probably five seconds until it suddenly morphs into a look of realization and Dan Heng learns that he really likes how Gepard smiles at him.
And those old "how-to" books are probably not the best way to truly tell him how falling in love feels like.)
Dan Heng steps back from his door as a gesture for Gepard to come inside. He turns away, the sense of guilt and shame leaving him unable to look at Gepard any longer.
He speaks in a flurry. Dan Heng talks about the Vidyadhara and his previous position as the High Elder. He speaks of what little memories he remembers of Xianzhou Luofu before his exile. That includes the numerous hateful stares he felt as Dan Heng stepped away from the ship, taking traces of what he thought was his home. He nears the point to address the sins of Imbibitor Lunae and hesitancy crawls up his throat.
Yet, what he misses in his fluster, is how a frown crosses the blond's face.
"I don't believe you are ready to tell me anymore just yet–"
Dan Heng's body whips around, shocked and all. His knuckles are white with how hard he's clenching his fists, "No, I am. I owe you this much to tell you." He proceeds to walk away to the center of the room until Gepard catches his arm.
"You do not owe me anything, Dan Heng. Nothing at all."
Dan Heng stares at Gepard's hand on his arm. He bites the inner side of his cheek. "For… for as long as we have been together, I have never spoken a word to you about who I am and my homeland—"
"—and I do not expect you to feel the need to do so."
Teal eyes glow in the dark enclosure of the room, "...But do you not feel as if that is unjust? That I am keeping such things from you?"
He finally said it. Dan Heng has somehow mustered the courage to question the very reason why he's stuck in this position. He cannot bear to see the look upon the captain's adoring features. Gepard's grasp on Dan Heng loosens and Dan Heng can feel his hand slip away from his arm. Perhaps he had finally realized how much of a fool Dan Heng is. Dan Feng would think so.
What surprises him, however, is when Gepard decides to reach and take his hand instead.
Dan Heng looks at their hands, still a little hesitant to truly look Gepard in the eye. The blond manages, with calloused fingers, to unfurl his clenched hand.
Gepard solemnly gazes upon the deep nail impressions Dan Heng left in his palm before he steps closer until they're only a few inches apart, making it so that Dan Heng must have to look up at him.
A gloved hand makes its way to Dan Heng's back, where the silk opens to expose his skin in the shape of a lotus and the sigh Gepard lets out sounds like he's been holding it for a long time.
"I admit there was some initial confusion. I have known beforehand for how quiet you are. But in brief, passing moments where I spoke about my youth in Belobog—your gaze always seemed to trail elsewhere. You would become so silent and I believe you never quite noticed it." Gepard reaches up to touch Dan Heng's cheek, which is cool to the touch, but Dan Heng doesn't mind it, "As inquisitive as I can be… I believe that it would hurt me more to ask you in regards to something that you are not ready to speak of."
Oh, how would the Aeon of Elation would laugh and kick their feet with laughter spilling at the corner of their lips! A boy who is too scared to experience such tribulations again is undeniably in love with another boy who makes it his all to protect the ones he loves, resulting in his own losses. What were the chances that they would end up being together like this? Probably a small, small , small chance.
Yet all Dan Heng can do is blink in surprise–had he truly been this obvious all this time? The melodious sound of Gepard letting out a small, reassuring laugh brings him back into the moment. Dan Heng thinks he feels the tips of his ears burning when his gaze drops to the small smile spreading across pink lips. It is the noise Gepard makes when he finds Dan Heng endearing.
"I believed in the name of Preservation, that when you were ready, you would tell me."
Dan Heng and Dan Feng alike would wonder how the guard of the Nameless and the captain of the Silvermane Guards would eventually become so hopelessly entangled in each other's presence.
But again, Dan Heng doesn't mind. It doesn't bother him one bit.
There's still a bit of guilt within Dan Heng, but he understands well enough that Gepard refuses for him to feel that way, especially not with the furrow in the blond's brow and his immovable resolve to provide for him otherwise. There's is effectively no point to tell the captain otherwise.
They're quite a stubborn couple when he thinks about it.
For the first time all evening, he feels the tension seeping out from within him and he lets himself indulge the warmth radiating from the hand cupping his cheek. "...Then, it is a long story," he mumbles, "I hope I do not bore you to death once that day comes."
Gepard lets out a slight huff of amusement. "Dan Heng, guard of the Nameless, but also the Astral Express' renowned archivist could not possibly bore someone. Especially if that someone is a person who knows little of the world outside of Belobog."
It's silent for perhaps only a short period of time when Gepard clears his throat and Dan Heng witnesses his face flush red.
"In fact, I strongly believe my Dan Heng can do anything but leave someone disinterested."
My Dan Heng.
Has he even been addressed like that before? Like someone's someone.
He thinks back to that. What does he think? Dan Heng thinks he likes it a lot. No, he adores it.
Ocean blue tears away from bright teal once Gepard looks at their reflections in the mirror. The moonlight embraces their bodies, surrounding them like a blanket. He tilts his head ever so slightly so his forehead meets Dan Heng's. "What do you think of it?"
Nothing less of a vision or dream, it is in this very moment of sanctuary, that Dan Heng realizes. This body may once have been Dan Feng, the High Elder of the Vidydahara . Though, it is of his own volition to embrace Dan Heng's being alongside Dan Feng's existence. What Dan Feng left is what fragments that Dan Heng has received. Though, it is by Dan Heng's choice to do what he wants to do moving forward.
So he advances.
He extends his hand, slender fingers waltzing across Gepard's shoulder to reach around the captain's nape. Fingers find their treasure and run through soft, golden locks. There's the smallest pull of a smile at his lips when Gepard's breath hitches. Right now, right here, it is Dan Heng who speaks and acts for himself. That man, who was once the High Elder of the Vidyadhara, cannot do anything to stop it.
So, it is Dan Heng who makes the move to bring those lips much closer to his.
And it is also Dan Heng who knows he'll be ready to share with the universe who he is now and who he will always be.