Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Spring Break drags on for an eternity.

Sure, it's just one week - but it's still a week Jackie spends all alone for the most part. An agonising, lonely spiral. She's not built for this much silence. Besides, she's supposed to be out there enjoying herself. Cruising around, seeing movies, sitting in fields, going to parties. But it's just so weird - so wrong - without Shauna. Still, Jackie forces herself to attend a small handful of get-togethers purely out of obligation, but at some point they just start feeling kind of pointless. She gets along fine with most people, especially the soccer girls and Jeff, but it still doesn't feel the right. They're not her. Jackie and Shauna usually show up as a package deal, and this is the first Spring Break they've ever been apart. Also - it's beyond lame that Shauna's mom had the audacity to sign her up for camp.

Camp. During actual fucking Spring Break. God, Jackie still vividly remembers the night Shauna's mom told her about it. She's never raised her voice at Deb Shipman in her life, but she did that night - and Shauna made sure she regretted it immediately, and rightly so.

Even with Spring Break over, Jackie's still upset about it. Her leg bounces eagerly the whole ride to school, staring out the window and on the edge of her seat. But when she reaches for the car door - Jeff stops her. Caught off guard, Jackie turns to meet his disappointed gaze.

"Um, hello?" She laughs unsurely, "Am I being held hostage, or is this like a -"

"Jackie. I saw you once - once - all of Spring Break. And you've barely said a word to me this entire drive." He blurts it out like he's telling her off. Jackie's grip loosens on the door handle and feels herself slowly sinking back into the seat. "What gives?"

"Well, I was just... y'know. I had all this... stuff, going on, and - " She shrugs. Ah, yes - stuff, very convincing. Cogs turn in her head as she searches for another excuse to tell him this time around, but the results are anything but fruitful. Jackie swallows her words when she sees that Jeff is already nodding, eyes narrow, not believing her. God, how did they get here? Jeff used to trust her with his life almost.

"Stuff...? What stuff?" Jeff leans in, almost mockingly, as if to listen closer. Jackie sighs, her shoulders dropping as she does so.

"Jeff, I don't know what to tell you. I just wasn't in the right headspace, and - and with Shauna at fucking camp, I just - "

"It's cool." He cuts past her again, no longer meeting her eyes. It's actually a relief for Jackie. She can tell it hurts him, but she isn't sure if the truth will help either of them that much.

I just didn't think about seeing you. You actually didn't really cross my mind much at all. And I don't exactly know why.

Yeah, that isn't going to be super helpful for their relationship right now.

"I'll catch you later, okay?" Jackie gives him the quickest kiss on his cheek, barely able to even look at him. The kiss feels weird on her lips. Although, that being said, almost all of their kisses feel weird. Kind of like kissing a statue - if the statue was actually alive, clinically horny, and honestly a little gross. But that's normal, of course, Jackie thinks. All boys and men are a little gross, right? Jackie knows that's normal because it has to be. She doesn't look back at him when she shuts the car door behind her, already bounding her way back into the stale school halls.

Usually, she wouldn't be this excited to return back to class but it's just been such a boring, empty, Shauna-less week. Plus Jackie has a plethora of topics to bombard her big, beautiful brain with. She paces around the lockers, eyes darting to every face that blurs past, but she doesn't see her. Jackie even asks around the soccer girls but not even Misty's glare, trained like heat-seeking-missiles, manage to catch Shauna at any moment.

"Maybe she got sick at camp." Laura Lee's soft voice, paired with a soothing backrub, does a reasonably good job of talking Jackie down. Disappointed, she resigns, heading to class - only to find that her prayers have been answered.

Shauna Shipman, in the flesh.

She sits at the back of class, eyes forward on her desk as she arranges her books and stationary. A smile of pure relief immediately rushes to Jackie's face, until... wait, why is Shauna sitting at the back? The smile on Jackie's face falters. They never sit at the back. Jackie glances around to also see that the seats around Shauna are already taken, too. Her expression twists to confusion, only snapping out of the short haze when someone knocks into her trying squeeze past the doorframe. Jackie walks unsurely to her usual desk before getting seated, eyeing up the blank spot next to her that would be - and should be - and is Shauna's seat. But the seat is quickly filled, by someone who is very much not Shauna-shaped. Because Shauna Shipman is sitting at the fucking back.

Jackie shoots a look over her shoulder, trying to meet her gaze, trying to burn holes in Shauna's forehead. But the Shauna-shaped body at the back of the classroom does not budge. Jackie isn't totally sure, but she thinks she sees a little scratch under Shauna's chin, partially healed. She wants to jump up and interrogate her about it, but the teacher starts speaking, and class has begun. It physically pains Jackie to look away.

What the fuck is this about?

Don't ask Jackie the colour of anything.

She can't tell you a single thing that was said in that first class. All she knows is she's packing up five minutes before the bell, ready to jump to her feet and race to the door first. Once there, she waits with a quickened heartbeat and a tiny, sharp throb of pain in her chest. Jackie calls Shauna's name the very second she appears in the doorframe.

"Shauna?" It comes out with a half laugh, slightly in disbelief. "What the hell, Shipman?" Jackie approaches with open arms. Shauna looks up for her for a quick moment, but Jackie is relieved to find a smile flicker onto Shauna's face as she falls effortlessly into the hug. Jackie hurriedly wraps her arms around her, fingers desperately pressing and curling into the flannel fabric on Shauna's back. She nuzzles into her shoulder and holds her there, swaying slightly. Shauna's grip is less intense, her hands resting flat up against her back and sides, feeling hesitant.

"Hey, Jax," Shauna murmurs into her shoulder. Her voice is a little different. Not by huge amount, but it's still noticeably quieter. She sounds tired - and Jackie had noticed earlier that she looks it too. Shauna shakes her head softly, "Sorry about the, uh," she clears her throat, "Seat thing. I kinda just wanted to try being at the back this time, y'know?" There's a brief pause between them, before a short, unsure huff of laughter from Jackie.

"Uh - no? Not really? I mean - Shauna, we never do that." Her smile isn't as wide now. She starts feeling like something might actually be wrong. Jackie pulls away just enough for them to be face to face, dropping her arms to hold Shauna's elbows. She's about to speak, but finds herself studying Shauna's face in confusion. Shauna's comforting, big, brown eyes - now so sad - and lingering on her before they flutter slightly, as if she's finding it hard to maintain the contact. Jackie's mouth open slightly as if to speak, but is distracted by the scratch on Shauna's chin. She lifts a hand and gently grazes the spot with her thumb, making Shauna inhale suddenly and sharply through her teeth.

"Sorry! I'm sorry - " Jackie says quickly and alertly, moving her hand to cup the side of Shauna's face instead, her thumb lingering near the scraped skin.

"It's fine. I fell. Like a... dipshit." Shauna's cheeks grow red under Jackie's gaze and in her arms. "You know how I get sometimes, just like... super fucking clumsy, I guess." She breathes, letting go of Jackie's waist. Jackie can tell when Shauna's trying to lighten the mood, but it isn't working for her this time. Not when Shauna's smile seems - not exactly fake - but certainly not real either. Jackie feels cold. Not just because they're no longer touching, but because she can actually feel Shauna lying to her in real time. And not a silly white lie to protect her sanity - or vanity - but it's something bigger than that.

"Wanna head to the next class?" When Shauna asks this, she's already walking backwards. "You can start updating me on all the whacked out shit you've been up to on break?" Her smile looks a little more genuine, but Jackie isn't sure she can trust it. Not with her mind now spinning in a hurricane of worried, overlapping thoughts. Nevertheless, a smile still forms fondly on Jackie's lips, her feet naturally following Shauna's lead. Shauna nods in the direction they're headed with a small, "Come on," under her breath, and a hand outstretched to her. Jackie takes it and follows, trying to regain some normalcy by jumping into storytelling mode.

Even as they walk together, and she sees Shauna smile and laugh, something still feels off. Jackie also keeps looking at the little scratch on Shauna's chin, the blood mostly dry, but still looking a little raw in parts. Why did Shauna's explanation sound... wrong? Would she lie about something as stupid and small as a scrape? And if so - why? Since when did Shauna lie to her? She's terrible at it, too, by the way. Lying to Jackie. As the classes drag on, it mostly feels normal, but Jackie just can't shake the feeling that something within Shauna has shifted. Maybe even something between them, too. But no matter how much pondering, Jackie just can't quite place it.

She's always feels a sense of relief in the locker room. It's nice to be around friends again, but even nicer to be around all girls. Jackie finds comfort in the solidarity. And also, you know, because boys and men are kind of nasty. Which Jackie is definitely certain is a totally normal thought to have. Girls and women aren't nasty though. Jackie's reminded of this in particular when she's there in that locker room - exchanging sweet smiles and laughs, passing over clothes and equipment, helping each other get ready together. Even when her eyes linger where they shouldn't, she pays it no mind. The human brain is always curious, and she knows that much is true. Not about anything in particular, but eyes always wander when you don't mean them to. Don't they? Accidents happen, and Jackie's totally fine with that.

And then she's back on that field. With her team, her girls - feeling the grass beneath and the air as it rushes around them. Although today, well... today isn't exactly their best.

Correction: today isn't exactly her best.

"Shauna." Tai calls sternly. When Shauna looks at her, laboured breaths rattling out her chest, Tai finds that Shauna's expression is just as let down as her own, maybe even more so. Tai sees this and her tone softens, placing a hand on Shauna's shoulder. "Just - try to focus a little more. Okay?" She pats the spot encouragingly. Shauna nods briskly without another word, although it's clear that her ego's already bruised and bloody. She struggles to maintain the eye contact for more than a second before she's stepping away from Tai and finding her place again, jaw clenching tightly as she attempts to reign in her focus. But even from a distance, Jackie can tell that it's just not working.

And then it just keeps on happening.

She watches as Shauna's face grows redder and redder every time the whistle blows - and it definitely isn't from any overexertion. She notices how Shauna balls her hands into tightly wound fists, before thudding them into her sides like some sort of sick self-inflicted punishment. That's new. And fucking scary. Jackie can't remember the last time she's seen Shauna actually embarrassed, especially not to the point of fucking punishing herself. When Coach blows the whistle after the next lousy Shipman play, Jackie finds herself jogging her way over. Shauna's not looking at anyone anymore, rubbing the back of her neck so anxiously that her fingertips go white. Muttering under her breath, cursing herself out, digging the nails into her skin.

"Shauna, hey - " Jackie begins breathlessly, trying to keep her tone light. She approaches with her hands turned up inquisitively, intercepting Shauna's field of vision. "You okay, Shipman? You seem, kind of... I - I don't know, just..." Jackie shrugs, once again at a loss for words. Shauna raises her eyebrows for a second, and Jackie swears she hears a tiny huff from her, like an exhausted laugh. Shauna runs her tongue against the inside of her mouth and nods, a little hum resonating in her throat. She inhales sharply, and holds.

"Yeah, I'm just - fucking spectacular, actually. Thanks for asking." Shauna grumbles in a low, sarcastic tone before exhaling again, shaky and loud, running a frustrated hand over her face. As Jackie stares at her in disbelief, her arms now folded over her chest, some of the other players nearby overhear, glancing between them. Jackie's mouth twitches to speak, eyes narrowing and focusing on whatever the fuck Shauna's tone just was.

"Shauna. I may not be a fucking psychologist or whatever, but you've been acting, like - totally off the rails all day, and it's starting to get a little - "

"Then bench me."

Shauna's words hang in the space between them for a moment, stunning Jackie into sudden silence. Some more of the other girls exchange looks, most of them worried, but some with a hint of 'uh-oh, the girlies are fighting' for zest. Jackie shifts on her feet, still not fully comprehending exactly what is happening in front of her. When Shauna's eyes meet hers, there's a new type of darkness in them. A sense of desperation, almost challenging her. Is Shauna... trying to get benched? Is she genuinely so embarrassed of her performance that she's just giving up? Jackie blinks, trying to read the new face in front of her.

"Wha - huh? What?" Jackie barely manages, still trying to catch her breath from the last play.

"You think my game's off, so just fucking bench me." Shauna shrugs her shoulders, loose and quick, as if it's just that easy. Even though Shauna says it plainly, almost eagerly, there's still a sense of unsureness in her voice. Like she doesn't want any confrontation, and needs this conversation (and maybe practice itself) to be over. Jackie throws up her hands in further confusion, her facial features morphing to match.

"Jesus, Shauna, are you asking to get benched? Seriously?"

"Well am I, or am I not?" Shauna's replies are quick and sour. "I'm fucking up, right? So I'm benched? Isn't that right, Captain?" She spits the last word, all sour and putrid. Her hands locked on her hips, only glancing at Jackie momentarily every now and then to gauge her expression. Jackie notices a small glimmer of water in Shauna's eyes, and then she registers her breathing - Shauna's chest fluttering as it heaves, deep and shaky, like she's trying to calm herself without being too obvious. Van cautiously steps out of goal, looking at Jackie with concerned eyes that carefully shift onto Shauna's back.

"Shauna, hey - it's cool, it's the first day back. No pressure." Van shrugs, attempting to lighten the mood. But she isn't seeing what Jackie's seeing. She isn't seeing Shauna's face. That look in her eyes. This strange, untethered expression that Jackie hasn't seen in her before.

"Yeah. First day, Shipman. Just don't overthink it." Nat chimes in breathlessly with a slightly lower, cautious voice. There's some little nods and small hums of agreement amongst the other girls. Jackie glances at back at them, trying to convey in her expression that something might actually be different this time. Not just an off day, but something that looks - something that feels - very, deeply wrong.

"See?" Van comes up behind Shauna, with a hand up and ready for comfort. Her goalie gloves barely get a chance to graze Shauna's shoulder before she's aggressively nudged away. "Jesus, Shipman-"

"I'm calling it." Shauna announces louder now, trying to sound confident, or somewhat in control of the situation as she storms offside. Jackie lets out a sigh that turns into a raspy groan, feet chasing the grass behind her.

"Shauna, come on, you heard them, it's fine-"

"I said I am fucking calling it, Jax." Shauna turns her head sharply just to toss the sentence at her, refusing to look at anyone in the eye for another second longer, especially not her. It stops Jackie in place. She glares at Shauna's back as she barges away, completely in disbelief, fully confused by every aspect of that conversation. Jackie continues glaring even when Shauna plops herself down on the bench hard, elbows digging into her knees. Shauna stares firmly into the grass below her, her foot restless and shaking, her thumb digging mercilessly back and forth in her palms. And just like earlier, back in class, Shauna doesn't flinch. Her iron gaze doesn't move. She just stares and stares. And so does Jackie - until she lets out the tiniest huff of breath, with an equally tiny shake of her head. What the fuck is up with her?

Next to Shauna, Allie unsurely rises from the next bench over, glancing up at Jackie with wide and cautious eyes searching for reassurance. Jackie turns her head slightly so Allie can't read her lips.

"This bitch, you've gotta be fucking kidding me." She hardly moves her mouth when she mutters the words under her breath. She sighs painfully, again, before resigning and loudly calling, "Allie?" At the mention of her name, Allie pipes up. Jackie waves her over. "Yep. You're in, get moving. Don't make me change my mind, please." As she starts jogging over to take Shauna's place, Jackie turns to see Coach Ben already at her side.

"Did... did you just bench Shauna, for Allie?" He asks, definitely not happy at the idea of Jackie rearranging the team however she wants, especially with a choice like that.

"No, never." Jackie scoffs at the thought of it.

"So, why did..?"

"Shauna's not... feeling well. She doesn't need the nurse or anything, she just needs to, like - sit down, or whatever." Jackie lies through her teeth. At least she's better at it than Shauna is. Or well, at least Coach is ready enough to believe it. Jackie gives Shauna once final look before practice resumes. And she's still there, unmoving, glaring into the grass with an unreadable expression that's still so foreign to Jackie. She's known her face, time and time again, but this is new. And it's scary. Then the whistle blows, and Jackie draws her attention back to the field.

The rest of practice actually functions. Sure, Allie is by no means an actual replacement for Shauna on the average day, but today she manages to outshine her. Jackie doesn't praise her too much though, can't let it get to her head. Everyone else is just as good as ever, which obviously makes total sense. They've only been away for a week - so what the fuck is up with Shauna? Jackie tries to justify it as an off day for her, and that she'll be back on top of her game again soon.

Shauna Shipman, the fastest player on the entire team - hunched and sulking on a bench with a gaze that won't shift. Sad, brown puppy eyes watching little ants weaving through towers of grass, waiting restlessly for the bell to chime.

Instead of a bell, there's another sound in the air, an unfamiliar one that makes all the girls' heads turn. A crashing sound - lightweight metal scraping and clanging - and then the heavy, deep, unmistakeable thud that can only be made by flesh. Jackie isn't the only one who jumps, whipping around to find the noise like everyone else. And then she sees a very unusual scene.

The bench upturned, and Shauna on her back behind it, wincing and clutching the back of her head. Around her, stand four other girls that Jackie only recognises by their Wiskayok field hockey uniforms. The next sound Jackie hears makes her blood boil. They're fucking laughing at Shauna. Jackie doesn't care that she has the ball under her foot, she steps away from it without thinking, quickly closing in on the commotion. She's not the only one either, with closer players like Nat and Lottie arriving just before her. Nat's already shouting by the time Jackie gets there, and Lottie is standing over the bench helping Shauna sit up.

" - bullshit - I fucking saw you!" Nat's eyes are accusatory, and when she yells at them she bares her teeth, breathing heavily.

"What - saw what? What's happening?" At first, Jackie can't decide between joining in on Nat's shouting or helping Lottie with Shauna. But when Shauna sits up, knees to her chest, blinking hard and sorely touching the spot where her head hit the ground - Jackie immediately recognises where her priorities lie. She drops into the grass without hesitation, grabbing Shauna's knee. "Shauna - "

"We were just messing around, come on-"

"Messing around?" Nat takes a dangerous step forward, the flame in her eyes burning as she looks between the hockey girls. Jackie's seen them before, but can't remember any of their names for the life of her.

"It's fine." Shauna says finally, under her breath. Jackie glares at her, about to challenge her, until Shauna grabs the hand Jackie left on her knee and squeezes it hard in hers. The gesture makes Jackie forget her words, elated that Shauna is still reciprocating her affections at least. By now, more of the soccer team are forming around them.

"Messing around?" Nat's voice shakes when she repeats herself, visibly forcing herself to remain in control. When she steps forward again, Lottie quickly reaches up and grabs Nat by her wrist.

"Nat, don't-"

"I saw you kick her in the fucking chest!"

Jackie stops. And then she visualises it. That's when the words burrow in through her ears and make a nest inside of her. Whatever sweet haziness she feels at the touch of Shauna's hand quickly dissipates. Instead, she feels blood rush to her head so quickly it almost blinds her. Her heart skips in her chest as it fills with rage, each beat clamouring over the next, vibrations stampeding through her ribcage. Jackie never realised it was possible to feel this angry. She also didn't realise they were still shouting at each other. She's just staring at the girls as the feeling consumes her, eyes wide and wild, lip quivering, fingers itching to form fists that swing. So, the moment Nat steps to them again, Jackie is on her feet and ready, dropping Shauna's hand in the process. Out of nowhere, Shauna becomes alert, grabbing at Jackie again, trying to stop her.

"Jax, it's fine!" She blurts out suddenly. The groups pauses. It's the first time Shauna's really looked at anyone directly in the face for more than one full second all day. Jackie and Nat protest at the exact same time with matching ferocity.

"What do you mean it's fucking fine, dude - "

"Shauna, this is not fine - "

"Look, it's - " Shauna sighs as she struggles to her feet. Lottie helps her up sweetly from the side, and Jackie's hands move to assist her on instinct. But her demeanour hasn't changed - she doesn't even look at Shauna when she stands, still staring down the hockey girls like a predator to prey. "It's fine, I'm - I'm good. Really. I actually, uh... I actually know these guys." Shauna nods, gesturing to them without looking. One of the hockey girls turns away, and Jackie swears she see her smile into her hands, possibly even stifling a laugh.

"Shauna - "

"Nat, I said I'm fine! Jesus!" Shauna repeats, her shoulders raised as she shrugs. Her eyes are big and frantic - but the rest of the face looks very purposefully calm. She's forcing it. Like she can't let the mask slip for even another second. Nat tries reading her expression but like Jackie, she can't place it. Her own face still riddled with fury and confusion. Nat's eyes trail down to the front of Shauna's soccer jersey - and then she lunges forward, grabbing the fabric, pulling it outwards to expose the muddy foot print embedded in the centre of Shauna's chest. Shauna swats Nat's hand back before swiftly turning away to wipe the mud off with her hands.

"What the fuck, Shipman - "

"Holy shit, Nat - just fucking drop it already!" Shauna shouts in a frantic pitch, cheeks flushed, eyes going wild just like the rest of them. And now they're all just staring at Shauna in total bewilderment again, for what feels like the thousandth time that day. Shauna takes a step back to adjust her jersey, the foot print now smudged all down her. Jackie watches Shauna start to retreat within herself again, eyes lowering from their faces. She gestures to the hockey girls. "It's... it's like they said, okay? We were just messing around. Big fucking deal, you guys." Shauna shrugs. She looks irritated, but not in a way that Jackie understands. She doesn't know where to put her anger anymore. She's lost, just as everybody else, as to why the fuck this is even playing out this way. And when one of the hockey girls places an arm over Shauna's shoulders, Jackie's entire body tenses instinctively.

"See? We're all good here. We, uh - we met little Shaunie at camp..." Little Shaunie? Jackie can't help the twitch in her fingers, begging to curl into fists. "Got to know each other pretty well, didn't we?" Her sickly sweet, playful tone is sugary enough to bind Jackie with a toothache. Shauna nods, a small 'mhm' sound in her throat, but her eyes are still cast down. "Well, hey - sorry to disturb your practice. It was nice catching up, though." When she pats Shauna's back, Jackie catches the taller hockey girl forcing away a smirk. "See you around?"

"Yeah." Shauna's voice sounds just about as distant as her gaze. The singular word comes out so softly and breathily that Jackie has to lean just to hear it. As the other hockey girls pat her on the back, one leans by Shauna's ear.

"Eyes up in the locker room." It's so quiet that Jackie barely catches it, and Shauna's cheeks flush pink. Another pat on the back, and this time Shauna actually flinches at the impact.

"Later, Shauna Shitman." Jackie isn't sure who says it at first, but she immediately rushes forward, only to be once again held back by Shauna.

"The fuck did you just say?" If Jackie wasn't so on edge she'd be happy that Shauna's interacting with her again, holding her in place, keeping her steady. The main girl who spoke barely looks over her shoulder, only to say,

"I said - later, Shauna Shipman!" No. No, she did not. Jackie heard it. Her stare digs graves in their backs, burying them. She hears Nat cursing under her breath before storming off, Lottie quickly following at her heels.

"What the actual shit was that?" Jackie's words are fast and heated, eyes now trained on Shauna - who only sighs heavily, clearly wanting to drop the topic.

"Look, it's like I said - I just met them at camp, alright? We shared a tent."

"What, so all of you crammed into one shitty - shit tent? Did you braid each others hair and start a prayer circle? Did you tell ghost stories and hand-feed each other fucking granola?!" Jackie fires back, sarcasm and venom in her voice, aimlessly shouting the last part. Her head tilts as she speaks, lowering herself to try and meet Shauna's gaze. Jackie likes granola, she isn't sure why she yells it like an insult. Shauna just rolls her eyes.

"Obviously not all of us." When she folds her arms, they graze the muddy spot in the middle of her jersey in the process. Jackie has to chew the inside of her cheek to stop her from tearing Shauna's hands away and yanking at the fabric, screaming for her to explain how a physical kick to the chest is just messing around. "I was bunked up with Lucy. We didn't get to, y'know.. choose, who we bunk with, or whatever." Shauna makes a small, muffled grunt as she turns the bench back upright and sits back down in a huff. Jackie watches as Shauna rubs the palm of her hand with her other thumb, same as she did before, but softer now, more soothingly. Jackie just glares down at her, judging.

"Lucy." She repeats, nodding and processing the name, rolling it around on her tongue, tasting it. She paces slowly in front of Shauna before clicking a finger at her, pointing. "That would be the six-foot-fuck-face that just called you Shauna Shitman, right?" Her eyes narrow, face twitching slightly when she says it. Shauna just sighs for the millionth time, rubbing her forehead painstakingly with closed eyes.

"Jax, she didn't - "

"Yes, she did! She did, and I fucking heard her! Shauna, why are you lying about this?" When Jackie calls it out, Shauna reluctantly pulls herself to her feet again, shaking her head, groaning something to herself. "Seriously, first it's the wound on your chin and now this? What the fuck is up with you?" The words just start spilling out of her. The rage still burning in her chest, unsure where to place it anymore. Shauna grabs her bag, flinging it onto her shoulder.

"I'm done talking about this with you."

"No! No, actually, we're not done talking, Shauna - because you're fucking lying to me!" Jackie accuses, exasperated as she steps to her.

"Hey." Lottie's voice is gentle and soothing, as is her touch when she reaches for Jackie's shoulder. When Jackie looks up at the taller girl, she feels like Lottie's eyes are warning her of something, urging her to stand down without saying a word.

"I said I'm done, Jax." Shauna's voice projects away from them now, and when Jackie goes to find her again, Shauna is already hastily making her way back inside with the demeanour of a wounded animal. Jackie opens her mouth to speak but Lottie beats her to it.

"If she doesn't want to talk about it," Lottie starts quickly, in a softer register so that Shauna doesn't hear. "Or if she's lying about something. Maybe she has a really good reason for, y'know... doing it."

"Yeah. Or a really bad reason." Jackie's gaze, now a lot less angry and a lot more watery, turns to meet Lottie's. Lottie rubs a sympathetic thumb over Jackie's shoulder before reaching up and sweetly touching the ends of Jackie's hair. But there's still something brewing in Lottie's eyes, a deep worry, much like everyone else on the team right now.

"She'll say it when she's ready, Jackie. I'm sure it's - I mean, it's probably nothing." Similarly to Shauna, Lottie is a terrible liar. Jackie isn't convinced even for a second, and she knows Lottie isn't either. With a handful of minutes to spare, they return to the pitch, where Misty is still talking down Coach Ben from interfering. The poor man, he really does have zero control over his team most of the time. He's good for guidance, but he's practically useless at intervening when the girls make up their minds on something.

When practice is over, Shauna is nowhere to be found. Well, that's Jackie's ride home gone. She'll have to rely on Jeff again, and she hates that idea more than anything right now. Sweet as Jeff is, being alone with him after asking for a favor is literally the last thing she needs in her life. She can tell he wants to spend time with her after he drops her off, but luckily (or unluckily), this time Jackie actually has a real excuse for not being in the mood. Real as it is, she still feels the disappointment oozing from Jeff's voice when he says goodbye, refusing to meet her eyes.

Jackie sits on the edge of her bed. Her bag still on her shoulder, her shoes still laced up on her feet. She stares at the framed picture on her bedside table before picking it up again to examine in closer. It's of her and Shauna, of course. Because it always is. She brushes her thumb over Shauna's shy, smiling face, watching and wondering...

What the hell happened at camp, Shipman?

Chapter Text

Another day, another uncomfortable drive with Jeff Sadecki.

Jackie's realised that, without Shauna, she's actually pretty shit out of luck when it comes to alternate avenues of human connection. But maybe Jeff, in all his glory, can provide her with some temporary relief - and help fill the Shauna-shaped-hole in Jackie's heart.

She hopes it looks effortless when she initiates a dialogue with him. She hopes she looks genuinely interested in his replies, because - believe it or not - seeing him smile actually does make her feel good. Nothing passionate enough to elicit butterflies or rosy cheeks, but just the right amount to make her heart somewhat content. It briefly distracts her from the fact that Shauna never came to the phone when Jackie called her house last night.

She kisses Jeff properly for the first time in awhile, before parting ways down the school hall. The moment he leaves, Jackie hopes to feel the loss of his presence, but she feels the same as she always does. It doesn't surprise her anymore, but it still doesn't make sense either. Jeff is the full package. Popular, handsome, sweet, funny (sometimes), smart (also sometimes). He's got everything Jackie's looking for, everything but a spark. She holds onto that possibility like a life raft.

The fairytale momentum of it all - the one that has existed inside her, breathing life into her, ever since she was a little girl. Because Jackie knows that one day there's going to be this big, beautiful moment, one that shines when she relives the memory, where she falls completely and utterly in love with him - just like the movies, just like in her dreams. Head over heels and breathless with an orchestral swell in her ears as she kisses him. But it doesn't happen. It hasn't been happening, not ever. And she can't figure out know why.

"You good?" Nat's voice makes Jackie jump, slamming the breaks on her rose-tinted train of thought. Her reaction makes Nat jump as well, her eyes wincing shut with an annoyed sigh. "Fucking, Jesus - "

"Actually, it's pronounced Jackie." Jackie thinks she's funny sometimes. Nat definitely, absolutely does not. So it kills her when a minuscule huff of laughter escapes her lips like the tiny prisoner it is.

"Sure." Nat hastily clears her throat, shutting down the grin. She can't bear the thought of giving Jackie the satisfaction of a real laugh. Jackie's still semi-pleased with herself though, joining Nat as she strolls, much to her dismay. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything.

"And I don't know, honestly." Jackie admits finally. "You thought yesterday was weird, too, right? With Shauna?" Jackie doesn't usually see a lot of emotion from Nat. Well, unless it's anger or annoyance, typically directed at her.

"Yeah, obviously, and before you ask - I know what I saw out there." When Nat lifts her head to glance over at her, there's no anger or annoyance in her expression, only genuine concern. A rare sighting in Jackie's books.

"And I fully believe you, Nat, totally." Jackie says firmly with a nod, and there's a glint of appreciation in Nat's eyes. "I saw Shauna's jersey, too. And the way they spoke to her was just... I don't know - I don't get why she protected them." Jackie pulls her bag tighter over her shoulders, gripping worriedly at the straps. As they approach their lockers, Jackie catches the unmistakeable outline of Shauna's figure amongst the flurry of students and her heart races. She has to ask her. She doesn't care what it is - they have to talk.

But whatever confidence instilled Jackie quickly diminishes, just as fast as it was built up. The hockey girls pass right by them, heading back the way Jackie and Nat came from. They both turn, watching the group as they flee back down the hall. Jackie wants to shout something, or maybe even chase after them, possibly slam them into a free class room and interrogate them. But she doesn't. Especially not when she suddenly hears Nat's voice at her side.

"What the fuck..?"

Jackie turns to find that Nat isn't watching the hockey girls anymore, but is instead facing forward at the lockers. The expression Nat wears isn't one Jackie's ever seen on her before. It looks wrong, misplaced, like it couldn't possibly belong to Nasty Natalie Scatorccio. Jackie can't remember ever seeing her look so genuinely hurt, especially not like this. Not even after physical fights or soccer injuries - and this is a different kind of hurt altogether anyways. Jackie follows Nat's eyes, searching for the catalyst evoking such a visceral reaction from her. But when she finally finds it, it confuses her.

It's Shauna. Standing still in a sea of whispers that float all around her. Her body is shuddering, battling the hasty, panicked breaths that uncontrollably clammer out of her. Her eyes are glassy - vexed, completely fixated forward - as she seethes over a singular word that paints the front of her locker. Four letters that taunt her, scrawled carelessly in black ink, frenzied and brutal like blood spatter.

DYKE

Jackie barely reads the word before Shauna's hands frantically come up, denim jacket clutched within them, desperately smearing the ink til it's unreadable. There's a some muffled giggles around her, identities shielded amongst the walls of muted tones and idle chatter. Without missing another beat, Shauna takes off, racing away from the crowds. And nobody - nobody - outruns Shipman, on the field or otherwise. Tai attempts to reach out to her as she passes, softly calling her name, but Shauna storms right by the outstretched hand.

Jackie knows - she knows she should go after her. Because she knows that Shauna doesn't just cry over anything. She knows this is where she needs her. And yet... her feet stay planted in the floor. Growing roots, lodging herself into the shitty, scuffed vinyl beneath her. So she watches. She just watches, as Shauna disappears into the distance, and is only stirred back to reality when Nat's shoulder slams into hers as she barges past. It shocks Jackie from the haze, and when she looks over at the lockers again, Nat isn't the only one on the scene. Van is there, aggressively wiping down Shauna's locker with her sleeve. Her eyes, now as red as her hair, and glistening.

" - fucking - assholes - " She hears Van grunting through gritted teeth. " - those, motherfuckers - those cunts - " Nat places a strong hand on Van's shoulder, whispering something low and fast, evidently trying to calm her down as inconspicuously as she can. But the damage is done, and Jackie's throat has completely run dry. She can't speak, so she tries to focus on moving. Slowly but surely, her muscles awaken one by one, putting one foot in front of the other.

Jackie doesn't notice the way Tai pulls Van into her arms, or the way she lovingly thumbs the small notch at the back of her neck and she whispers sweetly to her. Nor does she notice the look of panic in Nat's eyes that she flashes over to Lottie, who shares that same fearful expression, swallowing hard. Tai pulls away, clearing her throat and gripping Van's wrists.

"We'll fix it. We can - we can wash it off, Van. It's fine, alright? You're fine, I'm fine - we're all fine, okay?" Tai speaks carefully with her, and Van nods. Tai signals over her shoulder to Lottie, who springs into action with Nat, following her to the nearby bathroom. Jackie finally reaches the spot where Shauna had stood, hypnotised by the word before her. She raises a hand to the leftover ink and runs a finger through it, curiously examining the stain that paints her skin. For the first time in awhile, Jackie manages to speak.

"Why the hell would they write that?" She almost doesn't mean to say it out loud, her eyes still fixed on the ink in her skin, her voice unsure and tiny. Nat rolls her eyes, already returning from the bathroom with Lottie and a mix of both damp and dry paper towels.

"Because they're fucking dicks, Jacqueline. Why else?" Nat shoots, bitter and short-tempered. Lottie glances at her from the side sharply.

"Natalie." But she speaks her name so tenderly, and Nat take a deep, calculated breath in an attempt to settle her nerves - a little something Lottie taught her. Jackie shifts slightly on the spot. She still can't get her head around it, mouth partially agape in confusion, a crease forming between her brows as she frowns.

"Well, duh. I know that part, but like - why would they use that word for Shauna? She obviously likes guys." Jackie presses. A couple of them shoot quick, fierce looks at her. Jackie can't tell exactly what they mean. The first actual response she gets is yet another deep, controlled exhale from Nat as she bites her tongue. Lottie pats her shoulder appreciatively.

"No offence, but I think you should sit this one out, queen bee." Van mutters under her breath, eyes trained on her as she grabs another paper towel. Tai whispers something to her, Jackie thinks she hears something along the lines of 'don't push it', but she isn't really sure, and she doesn't want to ask. Van purses her lips tightly shut, jaw flexing as she forcefully looks away. Although it hurts to be left out, Jackie doesn't feel like this is the right time to protest. After all, she really has just been standing there, doing absolutely nothing, the entire time.

She knows when she isn't wanted, so she doesn't wait around. The four other girls lovingly clean the rest of Shauna's locker, ridding it of any remanence of black ink. Jackie isn't sure why she cowers away from it then. She's fearless, isn't she? She's been fearless before. Could she not be fearless again? She was even fearless just yesterday, ready to fight for Shauna. Where did it all go?

Jackie sits in class, dazed. She can't focus on any of the words before her, not when the only word she sees is that one, from Shauna's locker, now finding a new home etched into back of Jackie's eyelids.

Is it meant to hurt like this?

Shauna doesn't show up to any other classes all morning. When she never shows, they don't mention it. Well, actually, they don't mention it with Jackie. This has been happening more and more, even before Spring Break. Jackie feels stung every time they talk amongst themselves, making sure to stay quiet enough to be just out of earshot from her, before ceasing the conversation entirely if she gets too close. She's meant to be their Captain. Their friend. She's meant to be Shauna's friend.

The one thing that they all have in common today, at least, is that they don't get a chance to see what happens when Shauna returns to the empty hall, now all silent apart from the scrambled voices haemorrhaging in from the classrooms around her.

They don't see how Shauna fidgets with her pockets, mesmerised by the squeaky clean state of her locker, wondering if it had all been in her mind - nothing but a bad dream, a thing of nightmares.

They don't see how Shauna touches the surface with delicate, curious fingers - dark brown eyes swirling like vortexes, brewing over the spot where that word had once existed. It had lived there, with her. It had been real, tangible. It had been right in front of her, no longer taunting her in the darkness of her bedroom - it had been alive.

And they don't see how hard Shauna cries, how she sobs til it aches, when she spots the pile of crumpled paper towels soaked in black ink, nestled away in the nearby trash can.

Because even if just for a moment, she knows. She knows that she could have real friends - strong friends - friends like pillars. But the moment is cut short when she realises that even though it must have been them who cleaned the mess, it certainly could not have been her.

Shauna doesn't need to ask, she knows it in her heart already. She knows how Jackie must have stood, unmoving, silent, watching. Like she always does. And it makes her mouth water, acidic and foul. The very thought of it makes her sick. So violently sick, in fact, that her stomach churns hard enough to end up in the nurse's office. At least she scores a sick note for her suffering. At least she gets to go home now. Shauna misses her room. She misses her bed. She misses being unseen, unheard, and unknown - when her secrets actually belonged to her, and her alone.

Jackie wastes no time after school. She doesn't bother rallying up the girls like some sort of comic book fight club. Plus, she's still getting the silent treatment from everybody now, apparently. She knows their intentions aren't of malice, nor of anger. But the abundance of cold shoulders wall Jackie off as an outcast. A kind of othered-ness that she isn't used to. Any questions she has for her teammates can wait, because right now, Jackie needs other answers far more urgently.

She waits facing the school steps, watching as the crowd spills out. Jovial smiles pouring into the streets, fleeing the dreaded establishment. But Jackie isn't smiling like them. Jackie is waiting. Jackie is hunting. She scans and scans, big doe eyes hyper-focused underneath flexed brows, arms locked tight over her chest until she sees them.

Lucy, in the sky, with dipshits.

Jackie's feet move before she can register the action. She soon meets their collective gaze as they reach the bottom of the stairs, hugging the side of the school building.

"Lucy, is it?" Jackie calls immediately. No further introductions, no handshakes, no niceties - there's simply no need. Lucy eyeballs her for a moment, in a slight shock.

"Jackie Taylor." She states right back, now with a smile that seeps in - a shit-eating grin that Jackie already can't stand. "Sorry - again - about yesterday's little... mix up." Jackie can't help but wonder if Lucy always get away with being so insufferable. She catches smiles amongst the other hockey girls. Pathetic, she thinks. Googly-eyed pawns and yes-men disguised as teenage girls. The smiling just infuriates her more. So Jackie doesn't smile, she doesn't laugh, and her stare doesn't waver. Lucy notices.

"And what about today? What was all that shit with Shauna's locker?" The moment she says it, hands clasp over mouths, erupting with little fits of smug laughter. Jackie's jaw clenches, fury rising in her, hot and fast, "Hey! Don't fucking laugh, you shits - "

"Oh, come on, Jackie - you can't be that blind to it!" Lucy whines her name like she knows her. Smiles like they're friends. Sighs like they're bonding. The familiar tone draws creases of disgust in Jackie's face, scrunching her nose as foul words brew in the back of her throat.

"Blind to what?" She questions, forcing all the other unpleasantries back down before things get even uglier. Lucy shrugs, palms out, gesturing like it's really that fucking obvious.

"Dude - "

"Don't 'dude' me, dude." Jackie knows she shouldn't step to them, but she does so anyway. Going up solo against a group is absolutely not a good idea for anyone, let alone her. From the stairs, some of the soccer girls spot the scene unfolding, and watch cautiously from the sidelines. The hockey girls, however, don't budge at all when Jackie steps to them. Her little taunting step goes unnoticed and uncared for - futile and unimportant, walking in place.

"Look, maybe you've just spent too much time with Shauna, that you can't like, see it - but, I mean, really? Do I have to spell it out for you?" Lucy doesn't even seem like she's trying to be mean on purpose. She's just... talking. Talking like she's trying to give helpful advice, talking like she's trying to soothe Jackie's worries. But the true outcome is nothing of the sort.

"Spell what out?" Jackie asks, still unmoving - unchanged in her demeanour - although in all actuality she's growing more and more impatient by the millisecond. Then one of the other girls, her hair in braids, speaks for the first time. Jackie's actually surprised that another voice from multi-headed serpent of Lucy's making is even capable of independent action.

"Jackie, we obviously wrote that on her locker is because it's fucking true." When the message doesn't click, the girl leans forward, annunciating like Jackie's fucking stupid. "Hello? Shauna's an actual lesbian - like, a real dyke."

Jackie stares at them like they're vermin. Teetering on the edge of a trap, rustling around in tin cans and sewer water.

Shauna's an actual lesbian - like, a real dyke.

Jackie hears the words, sure, but she doesn't need to spend even one more second processing them. She blurts out the first thing that comes to her mind.

"Nope."

Done and dusted. Spoken plain, simple and clear as day. She accompanies the word with very confident shake of her head and an 'end of story' kind of shrug. Lucy's chin dips when she gapes at her, eyebrows floating up her forehead in bewilderment.

"Just nope."

"Jackie, what do you mean 'nope'?"

"I mean, just fucking nope! Look, I know Shauna better than anyone, so I know that she isn't, like - whatever the fuck you think she is." Jackie emphasises sincerely. She's genuinely trying not to laugh at the idea of it. Both sides of the coin look at the other like they're insane. Jackie's eyes flicker between them, unsure who to settle on, all sharing the exact same disbelieving look. "What?" The word fires out of Jackie, exasperated and loud, making some of the girls flinch. Lucy is rolling her jaw, pursing her lips together as she tries to suppress a knowing grin.

"Okay, how about... we do this, instead?" Lucy sighs as she reaches for her backpack and unzips. Jackie watches as she rifles around inside the mess of her belongings, until she finally finds the gem that she's searching for. But it isn't so much a gem - it's more like a big red button - a nuclear launch code for teenage girls. Lucy pulls out an object that Jackie recognises all too well. Her jaw drops like there's a knife in her belly, rigid metal grinding into her soft flesh. Her eyes light up - not with fireworks or Christmas lights - but with gunpowder and shrapnel. And she isn't the only one who recognises the item either. The soccer girls whisper amongst themselves before quickly deciding now is the time to start making their way cautiously over.

Like a pirate showing off her freshly acquired loot - Lucy holds up her prize, shimmying it in the golden afternoon sun.

Shauna's journal.

"Look familiar?"

"How did you get that?" The words launch out of her like rapid fire. Her voice low, like her heart in her stomach - furious and terrified.

"She really needs to hide her stuff better. Especially if she's - oh, I don't know - sharing a tent with a stranger, maybe?" Lucy makes teasing, knowing eyes at Jackie, before holding the journal out for her to inspect. Jackie just stares at the bound pages resting enticingly in Lucy's hand. She remembers the countless times she's looked over at Shauna, lost in her own little world, her pen dancing through the pages, sighing as she writes. Jackie's gaze bitterly trails back up Lucy's arm until it reaches her face.

"Is this why she lets you walk all over her? Because you're holding her journal hostage like a fucking sociopath?" The words taste sour in her mouth. She wants to spit them at her. And when Lucy notices the disgust in Jackie's eyes, the raw hatred - her hand starts to recoil with the journal still clutched. Jackie quickly tries to pry it from her, but it's too late. The offer has been revoked.

"We've met before, you know. Me and you." Lucy says suddenly, wistful, almost longing. Jackie just frowns, because who gives a shit? "After school clubs, lunch meetings. Do you remember any of that?" Jackie shakes her head as Lucy talks. No. No, she doesn't remember - and she doesn't care - because why is Shauna's journal in Lucy's fucking hands right now? "I thought as much. Bummer. I guess I was hoping we'd be in agreement about this, but... that's fine. I can hold onto this goldmine a little while longer." Lucy sounds somewhat disappointed, but certainly not enough to make it seem like she truly cares about Jackie's opinion.

Then Lucy's eyes divert to the side as the soccer unit draws close. Van, Tai, Nat, Lottie and Laura Lee appear as a unit, eyes all trained fiercely on the hockey girls. Well, not Laura Lee's. She mostly just looks like she didn't want to stand alone, and is actually very much afraid of the potential conflict.

"An audience - even better." Lucy has the audacity to wave hello to them with the Shauna's journal. Jackie opens her mouth to speak, but the words vanish quickly as pure horror washes over her - watching as Lucy flips through the dog-eared journal like a pop magazine. Shauna has never, and would never, dog-ear her journal. Lucy did that. Lucy read through Shauna's world, her thoughts, her emotions, her life - and she had the gaul to bookmark the juiciest pages, savouring Shauna's brain and reading it like a fantasy novel. Lucy settles on a page with a look a mischief before clearing her throat, eyes gliding over the words as she speaks the most sensitive parts of Shauna's heart into existence.

"I fucking hate the locker room. I'm losing my goddamn mind." Lucy's putting on this strange, disembodied voice that is definitely, absolutely not how Shauna sounds. It's all air-headed and lovestruck, hot and heavy, dazed and moaning. The voice makes the other hockey girls press their hands over their mouths, jaws churning as they stifle laughter. Jackie should stop her. She needs to stop her. Shauna would kill her if she didn't. So why isn't she? She can feel her soccer teammates looking at her, asking themselves the exact same question. Jackie's cheeks burning warm as Lucy continues. "I just don't know how they do it. Changing in and out of clothes without looking, or accidentally lingering - "

"Stop." The protest is tiny, intense, and firm. More importantly, it doesn't come from Jackie, when it should. It actually falls from Nat's lips, her eyes - big and swimming with sudden realisation and panic.

"I don't mean to. I don't even want to. But sometimes it just... happens. And then I'm looking at them. I think there's something wrong with me. I think I'm broken." Lucy puts her hand to her heart, dramatic and tone-deaf, letting out an exaggerated sigh. Jackie knows she needs to stop this, but it's Van who first takes a step forward, fists curled but quickly halted in place by Tai's firm, worried grasp. Jackie needs to do something. She needs to do anything. This is Shauna's journal for crying out loud, Jackie knows how precious it is to her. So why is she still standing here? What happened to being fearless?

"Has Jackie always looked like this? Ethereal - I think that's the word. I don't understand why she talks to me so much in the showers, as if I can focus when she's naked like that."

The words, even though spoken out loud by someone despicable, steal all the air from Jackie's lungs. And she's back where she was earlier that day, by the lockers - frozen solid to the spot. Her knees almost buckle beneath her and send her into the pavement. In fact, she hopes that's what happens. She invites it. Because hopefully the impact will be hard enough to knock her out cold, and she can graciously pretend she never heard Lucy say those words. Jackie feels her cheeks searing, with a heat so violent it makes her face pulsate, sweat spawning instantaneously down her back. She feels the eyes of her fellow teammates drawn to her, but she can't fathom meeting their gaze. Not now. Absolutely not now.

Lucy averts her eyes, suddenly drawing her attention to Lottie. Lottie shifts anxiously at Nat's side, alarms blaring in her head at the newfound attention, subconsciously moving to take a small, worried step backwards.

"And has Lottie always been this tall? When she's shirtless I feel like I'm breaking my fucking neck to look anywhere else." Lottie's face burns ferociously, just as Jackie's does. She glances around, all panic and frantic, searching for some form of solace in Nat's eyes. But Nat is already fired up and ready to go, mouth already open in protest. "By the way, who does Nat think she's fooling?" It stops Nat dead in her tracks, swallowing hard. The words disappear from her head, lips still hanging open, in silence. "Such a hard exterior for someone whose skin looks so soft - "

"Watch it - "

"Put the fucking journal down, right now - "

"Shut the fuck up - "

"Don't do this - "

Jackie's surprised to hear a whole chorus of protests rising from her fellow teammates, some commands getting lost as they overlap one another. When Van steps forward this time, Tai doesn't stop her. Upper lip twitching with several choice words crawling up her tongue, fingers trembling with the urgent desire to tear, and crush, and devour. Lucy just smiles, flipping to the next page nonchalantly.

"God, like Van's shoulders, when the shower water washes over them - "

That's all it takes, and then Van is moving at Lucy, and moving fast - but the hockey girls get between them. Yet Lucy is somehow laughing, still reading off the page, skimming through it now as quickly as she can.

" - Tai's arms flexing when she pulls her jersey off, the sweat down her back - and Laura Lee, chatting so casually as if she isn't fucking standing there wearing nothing but a Jesus pendant - "

The soccer girls free Van from the barricade of hockey bodies.

And then Van swings.

And it lands.

And just like the lockers earlier, Jackie is still. She's still, even as a chorus of guttural shouts and visceral insults break out. She's still, even as jerseys and jackets fly, pull and tear - flooding her vision - much like the tears that flood her eyes. Tears she didn't even realise she's been crying. When did this happen? Why is her face so wet? How long has she been breathing like this? All fast, terrified and shaking? Are her hands shaking, too? Her knees? When the fuck did that start? She looks down, turning her hands over to examine at her palms. They're red and raw. Jackie sees blood under her fingernails, and little quarter moon gashes in the soft flesh. How long has she been doing this for? Her eyes aghast, her throat sore, still feverish and gasping for air. Thin streams of red build, flowing through the creases in her palms. And then she feels two hands slap onto her her shoulders. Laura Lee, with her usually perfect hair now tousled, desperately tries to shake Jackie's brainwaves back online.

"Goddamn it, Jackie - fucking do something! Anything!" Jackie doesn't budge. She just stares at her in awe. Did Laura Lee just spew a string of sinful curses together? In her face? At her? Suddenly, Jackie's being thrown forward and into the chaotic mess of bodies and screaming. Where had she gone just now? It felt like it'd been seconds, and now she's standing in this tornado of flying limbs and voices. Laura Lee shoots out from behind her, grappling onto the girl who has Van in a headlock.

"Aren't you meant to a pacifist or something?" The hockey girl screeches as Laura Lee's fingers thread their way into her ponytail and tug. Laura Lee's eyes are wide with the horror of her own actions, speaking hurriedly and full of fright.

"I, um - I think the Lord Jesus lets us form our hands into fists for a reason - but I don't - " The girl elbows Laura Lee right in the throat. A choking sound gargles out of her mouth as she stumbles back holding her neck. The violent movement finally stirs Jackie back to consciousness, coming alive again at the sudden motion.

"Holy shit - what - what the fuck?" Jackie wakes up, her feet sending her crashing forward. "Laura Lee! Are you okay?" She holds onto her and scans her reddening face. Laura Lee coughs hard, clutching her impact zone. Jackie can barely stand with the commotion around her, banging into her sides and knocking her off balance. She sees a shadow up on the wall and swiftly turns to find Lottie Matthews, marching up with a fucking traffic cone lifted over her head, and the sunshine on her back. With her nose scrunched, and a small grunting sound, Lottie brains the hell out of a hockey girl on the pavement in one fluid movement.

"LOTTIE!" Jackie gasps, sharp and horrified. Lottie glares up at her with searing eyes, blood dripping from a cracked lip that runs down her neck, seeping into the presumably expensive, soft fabric of her shirt.

"And what about it, Jackie?!" Lottie shrugs wild and ferocious, her voice shrill and unhinged. Lottie has places to be, not staying for another word before she pounces on the next girl. Jesus Christ. For a Captain, Jackie Taylor really has absolutely zero control over her team.

Her team, who are absolutely feral all around her.

Nat is on Lucy, but in a way that a tiny rodent would jump on the leg of an elephant. Small but mighty, and full of fight. But one half-assed shove from Lucy fires Nat into a railing like a rag-doll. So naturally, Lottie is running right at her. Meanwhile, Tai is swatting Van's attacker, poorly calculated but passionate. Van, however, doesn't seem to mind the chokehold - she's already kicking somebody else entirely. And Laura Lee is taking off her cardigan, hoping to save the Church cashmere before jumping back into the first real fight of her life.

And Jackie is still.

Jackie is always still.

But in this instance, Jackie is so still that she catches the movement of teachers - trying to push their way past the crowds of other students to break up the fight.

"Yellowjackets!" Jackie tries to call out urgently, but the objection is understandably lost in the inferno around her. She takes in the biggest breath she can, before shouting at the top of her lungs. "YELLOWJACKETS - WITH ME, NOW - " Even with having zero control of herself, or her teammates, up until this point - at least it catches their attention, peering up from a haze of blurry fists and sweeping clothing. "Just - fucking move, you shits!" She alerts them, gesturing up. It takes but a second for them, and even the hockey girls, to see the teachers bounding through the sea of spectating students that Jackie hadn't even realised gathered around them. Soccer and hockey girls alike, jumping to their feet, bounding off in separate directions, shooting into the distance.

Jackie usually never put this much dedication into running on anything except for grass and mud, and typically in cleats. The pavement grinds hard up her legs and into her joints as she flees the scene, in the colony of other yellowjackets, speeding and soaring around her. When they're certain they're far enough, they come skidding to a halt, breathing hard and fucking fast - unable to form a singular word between them. Nat eventually crashes down onto the sidewalk, clutching her sides. Then they all start to follow suit, slowly sinking down onto whatever surface allows them to occupy it.

Everybody but Jackie. She stands there, panting feverishly, hands on her hips and glaring at the direction from which they came. She doesn't have to look at the others, she can feel the way that they're staring at her, burning their eyes into her like some shapeless figure that just crawled out of a drainpipe.

"Some fucking help you were back there, princess." Nat scoffs, in between breaths. Jackie knows her team well. And she knows that Lottie always swats Nat for an off-handed remark like that. But this time, the moment never comes. So Jackie finally turns to face them. And their eyes are like weapons.

"Princess? Really? What, just because I didn't start losing my shit and throwing fucking traffic cones at people's heads all of a sudden?" Jackie cranes her neck as she spits her venom, eyes narrow and accusatory. Lottie ducks her head at the comment, swallowing hard, refusing to meet her eyes. She clears her throat quietly. 

"For your information, it was one of the shitty, cheap - lightweight cones, not the heavy duty ones - "

"I don't care, Lottie!" Jackie squeaks, appalled. "So what you're saying is some random hockey chick just had to take a cone to the dome over some stupid journal entry?"

"It's not just some stupid journal entry, though, is it?" Laura Lee's protest is small, but the ache in her voice is mighty. Jackie looks down at the most picture-perfect Laura Lee - her hair now a small mess, her cardigan askew, knuckles on one hand gently bruised, her throat pink and sore. "It was supposed to be hers, Jackie. It was supposed to be Shauna's. Not ours." Jackie can't remember if Laura Lee's ever spoken like this to her before - or if anyone for that matter. It's strange hearing such passion from her without the words being cloaked in a Godly veil. Laura Lee hurriedly wipes a stray tear that escapes down her cheek. "It wasn't for us. It was private, and it - it didn't belong to us, and we weren't meant to - we weren't supposed to hear all of that." She looks up at Jackie with sad, but pretty pools of blue, pleading at her.

"I mean, come on, we don't even know if - if that was even real!" Jackie huffs finally, her lungs still aching from the getaway sprint. "Like I said, I know Shauna - and she's not - she's not like, y'know - whatever the fuck they're calling her." She shrugs, talking like her opinion holds enough value to sway the world around her. When really, it's the final nail in the coffin. They glare at her like they don't recognise her, and honestly look just about ready for round two in the ringer.

"You can't even say it." Van's voice is stone-cold, hard and empty. The accusation squeezes Jackie's insides. Not just because it hurts her - twisting the knife in her belly - but because it's true. She can't even say it. And she doesn't even see why she has to, either. "After everything that just happened, that's the part you're focusing on?" Van's tone certainly doesn't get any brighter, and Jackie finds no relief in anybody else on that pavement. Jackie stares cluelessly back at her - because obviously that's what Jackie would be focusing on. Right? Isn't that the point? Jackie's so sure that's the point. Van lets out a short, disbelieving laugh, running her hand firmly over her face, trying to stay calm. "You know what, Jackass? How about you mind your fucking business from now on, okay?" She retorts, her upper lip and nose twitching ever so slightly as she speaks, annoyance and vitriol visibly bubbling to the surface. Tai runs a hand over Van's shoulder blade, holding her there. Jackie is just about ready to pounce when Lottie speaks.

"Seriously, Jackie. For real this time." She's shaking her head as if to warn her, to stop her from digging her grave further. Even then, Jackie catches the disappointment riddling her shiny eyes. Okay, fine, this one stings. Lottie's expression strips Jackie of any remaining confidence, standing silently while Nat reaches over, blotting away the blood on Lottie's chin with her sleeve. Nat's eyes are so focused, and her jaw is screwed together so tightly. Jackie knows Nat is doing everything in her power not to just fucking maul her to death on the spot, so she focuses on Lottie instead.

"What now? Tell me - what did I do this time?"

"Nothing, Jackie! That's the fucking point!" Tai raises her voice finally, exhausted and glaring at her like she's stupid. And yeah, maybe she is. "You always do fucking nothing - you do realise that, right? God - you're always like this!" When Tai stands up from the sidewalk and starts stepping towards her, Jackie lower jaw trembles open. But she doesn't speak, she can't. Again. "You did nothing at the lockers, you did nothing on the school steps. You just stood there, and you watched, like you always do. Whereas we - we tried to stop them, multiple times! And you stood there, and you let them air our Shauna's personal business - "

"Hey! Don't you fucking put that on me!" Jackie barks back at the mere mention of her name.

" - and you let them fucking ridicule her for it - publicly! Your own best friend! You let them - can't you see - you always let people do this, Jackie! How do you not see that?" Tai's gaze is resolute as she stares into her. Stares through her - like she isn't her captain anymore, and certainly not a friend. All of them - eyes on her - unspeaking and calloused. And what's worse is that they're right. Jackie hates when they're right, but only because it must mean that she's wrong. She's so angry and flustered that she can't think anymore. Whatever rage she's been feeling lately loudly returns, rearing its ugly head, now much more fierce and panicked.

How come nobody is saying anything? How come nobody is protecting her? Defending her? Of course, Jackie realises very fast that the only person who maybe would stick by her side isn't here. Even then... would Shauna actually defend her this time? Would Shauna speak up, for Jackie's lack of speaking up? Could she? As Jackie scans their faces, she begins to realise, that... no, maybe Shauna wouldn't. Not this time. Not after this. Jackie's tongue shifts in her mouth, bitter and restless, eyes stinging, her throat burning with bile and loathing.

"Fuck you." She practically vomits the words out, unable to stomach anything else. Jackie tugs her bag so hard over her shoulder that it burns her skin. She doesn't even flinch as she turns sharp on her heel and storms down the roadside.

"Nice one, Captain." She hears Tai hiss sourly at her. And for once, Jackie lets the comment go. She doesn't have the heart to turn back. Could she even come back from this? Jackie can't bear to think about that right now. So, she walks. And walks and walks until her feet ache, until she somehow finds herself at home. She hadn't even been paying attention. She could've walked anywhere.

Maybe even right to her door. Maybe into her room. Maybe into her arms.

But, no. Instead, Jackie ends up doing what she always does.

Nothing.

Chapter Text

Jackie wipes the steam from her fogged up bathroom mirror, and stares. Glaring with such ferocity you'd think she owes her own reflection hard money. She plays the words in her head, for the millionth time. Those words. The ones that have been playing on a loop ever since she heard them. Words etching into the back of her skull like little notches, carved by the open-hearted and honest penmanship of a teenage girl.

Has Jackie always looked like this? Ethereal - I think that's the word. I don't understand why she talks to me so much in the showers, as if I can focus when she's naked like that.

Jackie stands there soaked from the shower water, her towel on the sink counter, dry and untouched. Naked and staring. Eyes wandering everywhere and anywhere, mapping out the canvas of her body. Turning, adjusting, moving and examining every part of her in the mirror. Could Shauna really think something like that? Her Shauna?

Jackie gulps hard.

Her Shauna. She hates when she accidentally says, or even thinks, that. Jackie snaps herself out of it, quickly pawing the towel and drying herself off. She can't remember the last time she's been in trouble at school. Especially not like this. But still, a heated phone call from the principal and detention time doesn't sound too bad after everything. At least her parents know she didn't actually join the fight, so that provides some relief to her, and only her. She wonders how the others are doing, cringing just thinking about Laura Lee, and how thoroughly livid her family must be.

Jackie feels a sharp sting of pain in her chest thinking about the way they all spoke to her, the way they looked at her. Not just an outsider anymore - but an antagoniser, a betrayer, an enemy. Jackie exhales long and hard. How can a team Captain feel this fucking left out? This alone? Ostracised? Her head snaps towards the front door when she hears the familiar sound of Jeff's car outside. Well, maybe she's not entirely alone. And after all, maybe this is a sign. Maybe she needs redirect her focus onto the sweet, handsome guy who's been upset with her all freaking month. Yeah, Jackie thinks, that's what she'll do. She practically leaps into his arms when she sees him but he pulls away, face riddled with concern.

"Are you okay?" He asks quickly, his hands finding her face - not nearly as gently as Jackie would like. She winces slightly at the calloused touch. "Sorry, I just - I heard you were in that fight yesterday. I was waiting in the car and saw you guys running, and you never came to the phone - "

"I'm fine, Jeff. Really. I was just on the sidelines. I didn't... actually fight anyone." Jackie tries to beam with her usual smile. Tries, being the key word. Anybody would be able to tell she's lying through her teeth - especially Shauna - but Jeff doesn't. Jeff never does. He just holds her closer to him, swaying longingly on the spot.

"Christ, I was so worried about you." He murmurs into her hair. Jackie holds him too, her lip twitching as her hands run over the rough fabric of his shirt. The hard waves of his back muscles. The strong stench of cologne in the nape of his neck. The way that it feels more like a chokehold than a hug. "I was thinking, maybe.. we could hang out tonight? I've - " Jeff sighs, "I've really missed you, and the thought of you getting into a fight just... freaked me out." Jackie cringes when he talks. She pats his back in return. She wants to say 'ew', but instead she says,

"That's so sweet of you, babe." And when Jeff pulls away to look at her, he's radiant - absolutely shining - all for her. Jackie stares at the expression. This should feel... good, right? Maybe even wonderful? Maybe even beautiful? Maybe even completely, totally, all-consuming and fulfilling? But it... just doesn't. Jackie swallows her heartbeat down her throat. Not this again. Please, please not this again. Jackie can't think of more ways to fix this - to fix her, for their sake. His sake. It possesses her to say something ridiculous, something she doesn't mean.

"Yeah, that's... actually a great idea. Maybe you could even, like... stay over tonight, or something."

And with the way that Jeff looks at her right after she says it, Jackie immediately - and completely - fills to the brim with regret. Jesus Christ. Jackie Taylor, you dumb fucking idiot. Why? Why on earth would she say that?

It would take Jackie all day to answer that question, but when she does, it comes to her in a wave of heat. The locker room, once her safe haven, becomes a torture chamber. The oasis of female solidarity has officially fizzled out and drained. Even on the field, a place that usually keeps her mind at ease, becomes a battleground. No longer united, infected by a mutiny that spills across the mud and grass. Skidding, tripping, crashing and burning. They play terribly. Truly diabolically. Probably made worse by the fact that Shauna's taken a second day off (still sick, allegedly) and Allie is not, nor ever will never, be a substitute for her. Shauna's lightning speed, wit, brains, tact - none of it even comes close, it's almost an insulting to compare the two.

They head back into the locker rooms with rain soaked jerseys and muddy, scratched knees - blades of grass glued to their cleats and calves. Nobody speaks for quite some time, changing out of their armour silence. The room fills with the sound of wet clothes slopping to the floor, as their heaving breaths slowly return to normal.

It's Van that speaks first.

"So... that was total dog shit." Her voice, monotone and steady. There's a small chorus of agreement all around - hummed in soft, disappointed harmony. At least they can unite in their failures. Jackie barely joins in, just wanting to get the hell out of there and go home already. She doesn't catch Tai as she whispers something to Van, nudging her gently. Van strains her face, cringing. She leans back over to whisper a tiny 'why me?', and Tai just shrugs, before encouragingly pushing Van forwards. Van sighs, unamused and unwilling, before grabbing her shower gear, rolling her eyes as she walks.

To Jackie's surprise, Van taps the large bruised spot on her back as she walks by.

"You, uh... actually took that fall like a champ. Not bad." There's the faintest, tiniest familiar playful tone in Van's voice that Jackie is so unbelievably relieved to hear. It's hardly there, almost unrecognisable, and Van still isn't smiling at her. But it's still something. Jackie reaches to touch the sore spot over her shoulder, looking up as Van walks away from her.

"Yeah. Thanks." Jackie's voice is small and hoarse, realising just now how little she's actually spoken out loud to anybody today except for Jeff. She notices the red scrapes on Van's knees and nods to them. "You better ice that, Palmer." Van looks down at Jackie's suggestion and lets out a small huff.

"Eh - maybe later." She shrugs it off like it's no big deal before heading over to the showers. She flicks on the water and suddenly - a sentence floats into Jackie's head. She doesn't mean for it to, but it happens anyway, without her say so. The words that have been silently sleeping in the back of her skull, preserved in a block of ice, slowly starts thawing and dancing to life. And then her brain lights up with Shauna's words.

Van's shoulders, when the shower water washes over them.

Jackie hastily averts her eyes.

What... was that? 

She swallows hard, glaring deep into the mess of her own locker. She stares so intensely it feels like she's about to lose her balance and fall right in.

Seriously, what was that?

Warm saliva floods under her tongue, usually a tell-tale sign for when she's about to throw up.

"Hey," Lottie murmurs from her side. "You good?" Jackie turns, a little too quickly, a little too freaked out - and she's eye-level with Lottie's bare chest. Jackie has never looked up so quickly in her life.

Has Lottie always been this tall? When she's shirtless I feel like I'm breaking my fucking neck to look anywhere else.

"You look kinda pale - "

"Oh - no - I'm fine, I'm good, it's just... I'm a little burnt out, that's all." Jackie glares into Lottie's eyes like someone's pointing a gun to her head.

"Same here." Lottie just nods, picking up her towel and tossing it over her shoulder. She sighs, and Jackie definitely does not glance down at the breath that rises and falls in Lottie's chest. (She does, but just a little).

What Jackie really needs right now more than anything is to jump in the shower and face the wall, as she always does. Because it's weird not to. Why would you face anywhere else? Eyes would wander, don't they? That's normal isn't it? Jackie always thought it was normal? The human brain, something about curiosity, but Jackie can't remember. All she hears is Shauna's words - not exactly in the right order, but they show up in her head against her will nonetheless.

I just don't know how they do it. Changing in and out of clothes without looking, or accidentally lingering.  I don't mean to. I don't even want to. But sometimes it just... happens. 

Jackie's eyes dart down to the floor, burning amber circles into it before hurriedly peels off the rest of her clothes. She hears Tai scoff at something across the room, and Jackie's anxious eyes flicker up just for a moment.

Tai's arms flexing when she pulls her jersey off, the sweat down her back -

Jackie feels her lips twitch, accidentally watching the muscles move under her skin. She doesn't mean to notice. She doesn't want to notice. Why is this happening now? She never used to care about noticing. She used to love the locker room. A low, bashful laugh beckons to Jackie elsewhere in the room, demanding her attention. Her wandering eyes find the body it belongs too, and she feels her lungs collapse out of air, catching the tail-end of a sentence.

"...three guesses, Matthews, that's all you get." Nat says dreamily, smirking at Lottie as she kicks off her last sock - the only item of clothing left on her body. Jackie doesn't hear the rest of the conversation, and she doesn't want to know. She doesn't want to think about it. She can't think about it. Not when Nat's skin looks smooth, warm - even with her icy stare. Nat mutters something teasing under her breath at Lottie, before bending over to pick up the stray sock. Suddenly Jackie can't think of anything else other than -

Who does Nat think she's fooling? Such a hard exterior for someone whose skin looks so soft.

Jackie needs to go. Now. She actually has to get the fuck out of here. She doesn't waste a single second more, immediately rushing to the showers without another thought, eyes forward and down. It's not just that her cheeks are pinkish, ablaze and pulsating - it's her whole face. She's thankful it rained outside earlier so nobody can see the way that she's sweating, all thanks to her brain swimming with words that aren't hers. Thoughts that don't - that can't - belong to her. She's almost at her destination before she's stopped by a soft, gentle hand on her wrist.

"Wait, Jackie - " She turns back with a jump of fright, only to find Laura Lee sweetly standing before her "Your towel." She says quietly, holding the folded fabric out to her. How did Jackie forget her own fucking towel? Laura Lee's eyes are kind as she waits there patiently, and once again, the prophecy becomes true.

Laura Lee, chatting so casually as if she isn't fucking standing there wearing nothing but a Jesus pendant 

Jackie's hand dives for the fabric in Laura Lee's grasp, but she makes the fatal mistake of looking between them as she does so. Her eyes land square on the glimmering pendant, swaying temptingly in the centre of Laura Lee's chest.

It's the final blow, and Jackie looks.

She looks, but she doesn't mean to. She looks, but she doesn't want to.

And worst of all - she looks for just a second too long.

Jackie reactivates, snatching the towel from Laura Lee's hand.

Her heart plummets into her stomach when she looks back up.

Laura Lee's icy blues eyes are blown out, her mouth now parted with tiny, shivering breaths. Her grip, now tight and panicked on Jackie's wrist. Jackie's face fills with the same horror as hers.

Laura Lee had seen her. She saw Jackie looking. Saw her eyes wander, saw them linger.

Without another word, Jackie turns briskly, urgently slamming the water on without ever looking back. She could never turn back now, after that. She doesn't know what Laura Lee does or where she goes, but she doesn't register anyone else from that point on. She glares down at the drain, watching the water escape down it, wishing she could do the same. The water practically scalds her, she rubs her skin raw, scraping at the filth off of her, visible or otherwise.

I fucking hate the locker room. I'm losing my goddamn mind.

I think there's something wrong with me. I think I'm broken.

The words aren't hers.

They can't be hers.

She can never let those words enter her mind again, so she repeats a new mantra. Just two words this time, a name. And she plays them on repeat like her life depends on it, because in essence - it actually does.

Jeff Sadecki. 

She needs to have sex with Jeff Sadecki.

Tonight.

The very thought of it possesses her.

Jackie finds herself crashing into Jeff's lips the moment she sees him outside waiting. Her hair, still wet from the shower, clings to the sides of his face as she presses up against him in a trance. Jackie doesn't care who sees. In fact, she wants them to see. Because actually - they have to see, they need to see that Jackie can do this, that Jackie wants this, wants him. Jeff pulls away grinning sheepishly, albeit slightly confused, but certainly not upset. And then his face almost melts, crumbling on the spot, when Jackie breathlessly orders him to -

"Get in the car. Right now. Drive."

Her brain feels hot-wired. She's dizzy. Stomach-churning flashing images from the locker room blazing back in her head, white hot and sickening. She wants to drown them with her bare hands. How dare she think of them. Van's arms, Lottie's legs, Tai's shoulders, Nat's waist, Laura Lee's stomach, Shauna's -

Jackie clenches her jaw, tenses her body. No. Not Shauna's anything. She needs to shut them out. They don't belong here, up in her head. They belong on the field, and only the field. They can't belong here. Not while she starts doing that to the front of Jeff's jeans during the drive home. Not when she's double-locking her bedroom door, even though she knows her parents aren't home. Not when she's making him sound like that, or how she's kissing his neck, letting him run his hands over her everything.

She guides Jeff on autopilot. Going through the motions without being present in any meaningful sense of the word. She wants to do this with him - she knows she does. She has to want this. The look of admiration in Jeff's eyes makes her feel putrid inside. She doesn't know why - but she keeps pushing, more and more, catching Jeff off-guard. She doesn't know why she grabs his hands, pulling them over her, or why she touches him back or kisses him so passionately. She's out of her mind, out of her body.

Especially once it starts.

She searches the ceiling for solace in total concentration, begging for some form of distraction or comfort. Counting the defects in the paint, the streaks in cobwebbed corner, the way the light cascades and stretches across the surface. She winces as Jeff finally pushes, when really she wants to scream. But it isn't nice to scream. That's what she's been told, and she needs to do what she's told. Soft, quiet, submissive.

All except for her nails, finding them embedded in the sheets and in Jeff's skin, out of her control, but he doesn't complain. She looks anywhere but at him - not his eyes nor the rest of his body - especially not down at whatever they're doing together. She tells him it's because she's shy of the eye contact, and he actually has the heart to believe her. Because how could he ever doubt her? How could he ever deny her? Not with the way he whispers how he loves her, over and over, even when it gets no response, totally silent until -

"Wait - hold on - " Jackie gasps at the ceiling, "Can we - um - " She blindly presses a hand into Jeff's abdomen, he takes the cue to move his hips back and pull out. They make eye contact for the first time in several minutes, and Jackie sees terror all over his face from her protest.

"Does it hurt?"

"No - I mean, yeah, but that's not - " Jackie breathes, unsure how to really say it. Words once again fail her, and come sputtering out in a flurry. "Can we, like - not do this position, maybe - maybe, like - " Jackie stammers, quickly turning herself over so that she's laying on her stomach, shifting up onto her knees and facing the headboard. "Is this okay?" Jeff's cheeks burn even redder than he knew was possible.

"Um - Jackie - "

"And I, uh..." Jackie cuts past him, "I love you too, by the way." She says it to the headboard. It's easier. Saying she loves him to his face while this is happening feels like a terrible, awful lie. Maybe even one that she can't take back, one she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for. She feels his hands on her hips once more before it starts again.

Yeah, this is much easier. Looking away. Eyes on the headboard, pillows and sheets. The comfort of her own bed, not the hollow emptiness of her ceiling. She keeps her face in the pillow the whole way through. She tries not to think about the way that he sounds, or even how she sounds - her voice sounding far away, foreign and detached - completely disembodied and separate from herself. She isn't sure how long it lasts. But a sense of relief washes over her when Jeff finally stills - saying that he loves her one more time.

And she says it right back to the headboard.

And when he drops next to her and holds her, she feels just as alone as she always has. Jackie turns her head, and for the first time that night she feels a small wave of comfort ripple through her, eyes landing on the framed picture by her bedside. The picture of her and Shauna (because they're always of her and Shauna) softly illuminated by the warm nightlight. Shauna's cautious, shy smile, her chin pressed sweetly into Jackie's shoulder. It's sits exactly where Jeff's chin rests right now. And it makes Jackie's heart thud in her temples. She starts to feel an intense, aching in her chest. And before she knows it, she comes undone, sobbing uncontrollably in his arms.

Because she finally realises the truth...

It didn't work.

It was her last idea, her final play.

And it didn't fucking work.

It was supposed to fix them.

It was supposed to fix her.

It wasn't supposed to make her cry all night and all morning. It wasn't supposed to do this. 

The morning drive is dead silent apart from the radio, and Jeff's fingers tapping out of rhythm on the wheel. Jackie sits slouched, jaw slack and eyes ahead, deadpanned and glassy. She doesn't budge even when the car comes to a halt in the parking lot and Jeff kills the engine. They marinate in the silence. Simmering and festering. She can feel Jeff trying to catch her gaze with his own, but she doesn't so much as twitch, not until he speaks.

"I think we should at least talk about - "

Jackie thrusts the car door open and launches herself out. No, she doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't need to hear it, because, again - this was supposed to fix them. To fix her. But it's worse now. So much worse than she could have ever imagined. It's more wrong than ever. Didn't Jackie want him yesterday? Hadn't she felt that fire in her belly as she stormed out of practice and into his arms? It was meant for him, because he's her boyfriend, and she loves him. She'd said it last night. It was meant for him. It had to be. Because if it wasn't meant for him, then who?

She can't stop thinking about how it felt so wrong, how he felt so wrong. And how that honey-sweet smile of his now feels tainted and tarred. How the gentleness of his touch doesn't discount the way he grates on her like sandpaper. How his mouth is a weapon, poison and how she can't stop drinking them. How when he says he loves her, she hears a blinding, ringing noise in her ear that makes her want to collapse - breathless and empty. How she feels all wrong inside - organs twisted where they shouldn't be - limbs mismatched in their sockets.

She's all wrong. She's a wrong girl.

Jackie needs help. She needs real, honest advice. From someone who won't bullshit her. Someone who will tell her exactly how it is. How she is. She someone who hates her fucking guts right now, and may do so til the end of time, forever and always. And she knows exactly where they'll be before the first bell rings. Cooped up in an alley by the parking lot, cigarette in hand, eyes going wide in horror - feet already retreating backwards at the very sight of Jackie.

"Scatorccio, my sweet angel of death - you think I'm a prudish, frigid bitch, right?" The moment the words fly out of Jackie's mouth, Nat's own lips tremble in confusion, her eyes like a deer caught in the headlights of Jackie's train wreck. Kevyn pats Nat on the back, shielding a laugh. He whispers some parting words to her before disappearing with the rest of their fellow delinquents. Nat glances around at Jackie, searching like she's going to discover some sort of ulterior motive.

"Uhhh - Jackie, is this a sting op - "

"Answer the question, Nat. Jackie Taylor, me, prudish frigid bitch. Yes or no." Jackie crosses her arms over her chest, waiting impatiently. Nat stares long enough for the cigarette end to burn her finger. She winces, painfully sucking air through her teeth as the end drops by her feet. "Well?"

"I - I don't know! Why? Maybe - why?" It comes out of Nat in cluster of confusion, trying to soothe the burned finger by airing out her hand. Jackie sighs heavily as she drops down onto the steps nearby, elbows on her knees. Her eyes idly trail over the heavily graffitied wall behind Nat.

"Anything else?" She asks lethargically, with an equally lazy shrug. Nat's expression doesn't clear up - still just as lost as ever. Nat raises her hands, gesturing around them as if an audience is supposed to chime in with an answer

"Dude, what are we doing- "

"Is there anything else, about me, that I need to know about?" Jackie says, firmer and louder. Nat can't understand it, but for some reason Jackie looks genuinely very serious about the inquiry. Jackie just shrugs again, even more determined this time around. "Am I, like an - an annoying person, or...?" There's a very telling pause between them. Nat opens her mouth to say something, but she stops herself. Jackie's shoulders slump back down, nose scrunching as she winces. "An insufferable person?!"

"No, you're not - okay, look. You're not insufferable, you're... it's tolerable. It's fine." Nat answers finally, using her hands to try and gesture the distinction between the two answers. Another long sigh from Jackie on the stairs, and Nat even catches her cursing at herself under her breath as she kicks a stray patch of weeds. "Seriously, what the shit is this about? Did you really come out here specifically to be put on blast? Because I've got serious ammo, Jackie - "

"Yes, actually." Jackie answers a little too quickly, stunning Nat back to silence. When Jackie fidgets with her hands, she notices she's doing the same thumb to palm technique that Shauna does, so promptly ceases it.

"You actually want me to tear you a new one?"

"Yes! Because, I'm - " Jackie shuts her eyes, brow creasing as she stops herself. Nat watches how tightly Jackie wires her jaw shut. She doesn't try to hurry her along, not just because she's not sure where things are going - but because Nat isn't actually an asshole, and she can tell when somebody needs space. Another long inhale from the stairs, followed by an equally long exhale. When Jackie finally speaks, Nat almost doesn't recognise the tone - let alone the person it comes from. "Because I'm... wrong." Jackie opens her eyes, making some sort of frustrated gesture with her hands. Nat leans against the railing bordering the stairs, peering into the unfamiliar face of her soccer captain. Is Jackie Taylor... self-reflecting? Right before her eyes? Nat isn't sure, but she scoffs.

"Well, I mean that's... subjective... and debatable, believe it or not." Nat grumbles the last part, "Like, what do you mean by 'wrong'?" She softens her tone for the question, which Jackie greatly appreciates. She doesn't mind that Nat lights up another cigarette, even whilst standing so close to her. Jackie usually only smokes at parties, when it temporarily doesn't taste or smell so goddamn horrific. But she doesn't mind right now, especially not today. Jackie thinks long and hard about what she's about to say - because she needs to talk about it. She's dying to just be rid of it. To tell someone, anyone, but it can't be Shauna. Not right now. Jackie brings her hands up to her face, rubbing the skin sorely.

"I had sex with Jeff last night."

Jackie doesn't need to look over to know that Nat's glaring at her so hard that her eyeballs almost pop out.

"I - I had sex with Jeff and it didn't - it didn't fix me like it was supposed to do."

Nat falls completely silent. Not an inhale nor an exhale of smoke, no shifting on the spot, not a word nor a sound. Any ammunition Nat's been saving to roast Jackie into oblivion, suddenly quieten, retreating back into the depths of her arsenal. She takes up a spot on the stair next to Jackie, watching as her captain self-soothes and massages her palm with her thumb. Nat looks at her own hands, picking at her black nail polish as she balances the cigarette.

"What do you mean by..." She clears her throat, "...fix you? Fix you, like, how? Fix you in what sense?" Nat already has an idea in her mind, an idea that hasn't even crossed Jackie's threshold of contemplation yet.

"Like, I don't know - make me feel - emotions, for him, or... something. I don't know." Jackie isn't exactly going to become a poet anytime soon. Nat tries to choose her words carefully, but unfortunately she's just a little caught up on that sentence.

"You mean, you don't... have feelings for Jeff? Jeff Sadecki? Your boyfriend of, like, four fucking years, Jackie, that's - "

"That's what I'm saying, Nat - I'm wrong, I - I don't connect, it doesn't work! I don't work!" Jackie says louder now, exasperated. It's the first time she lifts her head to meet Nat's bewildered gaze. Jackie's eyes are glossy with fresh tears, her palm red from the aggressive self-soothing. Nat's about to speak, but Jackie continues. And Jackie isn't even sure how it all comes spilling out, but it does. "I don't love my boyfriend - hell, I don't even think I like him! Even you guys, my own fucking friends, you don't actually like me either! Even - even Shauna doesn't trust me anymore because I don't know how to connect with anybody - not Jeff, not Shauna, not you! And don't think I don't see it, because I do - the way you guys all whisper around me like it's some special fucking club I'm not allowed in - "

"Jackie."

" - how you all stop talking when I walk by, how you stare me down across the hall, how you all try to hide when you're clearly laughing at me, not with me - "

"Jackie, stop - "

" - because I am a prudish, frigid bitch, Nat. Because I am annoying and insufferable. Because I'm beyond just being unlikeable, I'm - I'm impossible - "

"Jackie - " Nat's fists lace up in the fabric of Jackie's shirt with a hard shake. "Seriously. Stop." The demand is firm, angry. Jackie glares at Nat's hands, and then up at her expression. The self-loathing rant lingers in the small space between them, taking up all the air. She isn't sure which part breaks her - if it's the fact that she finally admits it out loud, or if it's the face Natalie fucking Scatorccio is making at her right now. Soft features, eyes riddled with alarm and worry. Sympathy. That look. That fucking... pity. From her of all people.

Jackie finds herself straining her throat, trying to force down whatever is clawing up her chest. But it doesn't work. And once again, just like last night - Jackie Taylor falters. Crumbling back into her own hands without another word. She releases a small sob, which she initially tries muffling, closing in on herself tighter and tighter. Nat stares at Jackie's frail frame as it trembles in her fists, sharp gasps for air shuddering in between the little cries. She doesn't know what to do. Nat doesn't do this - whatever this is. Especially not with Jackie.

"I, uh..." Nat's eyes dart around in a panic. If only there was a guidebook on how to handle your soccer captain slash frenemy having a mental breakdown in your lap. Jackie extends an olive branch. Well, she grabs it and almost squeezes it to death, wrapping her arms very suddenly around Nat and hugging her tight. "Oh, o - okay, so..."

So, this is what we're doing.

Is what she wants to say. But she doesn't. She just follows the motions and holds her there, letting her cry to her for some time, before she eventually decides to cut the silence.

"You're not impossible, Jackie." Nat isn't sure if she should be speaking, but it feels less awkward than just listening to her cry in this shitty, dirty alleyway. She finds herself actually leaning into the hug instead of just being deadweight, thinking carefully about Jackie's speech. "And I don't hate you or anything, by the way. Nobody on the team does."

"That's bullshit, Nat." Jackie's once confident voice is reduced to a whimper against Nat's shoulder. The fact that Jackie doesn't believe her, somehow actually stings. Nat's no stranger to people not listening to her, not believing a goddamn word she says. She swallows hard enough for Jackie to feel it against the side of her face.

"Seriously, Jackie, we don't hate you. All that shit about the, y'know... looks, or whispering, or whatever. It's not like we're making fun of you or anything, it's just... it's hard to explain."

"Well - gosh, Nat - can you at least try to?" Jackie wants to break away and look at her expression, to see if she's being genuine or not, but she doesn't. In all honesty, she feels like she's still doing her ugly cry face, so she keeps her head tucked into Nat's shoulder, which she feels rise and fall with a heavy breath.

"Fine." Nat's grumbles against her. She shuts her eyes momentarily, preparing herself. "Look... About the way that you reacted to Shauna's... situation." Nat tries to be careful. She feels the shivers from Jackie's sobs become smaller, quieter, as the sentence hang in the air for a moment. Nat really isn't sure why she's comforting someone that she fundamentally does not agree with, but she bites the bullet. "It isn't the first time you've acted that way about people... different from you, you know that right? People are noticing." Nat's surprised to see Jackie's face as she pulls away, glaring at her a completely baffled expression.

"What?" The word comes out shaky and puzzled, as the embrace they're in slowly slides apart.

"Jackie. We're a fucking - girls sports team, remember?" Nat trails on, tilting her head as she tries to hint at her.

"So?" Jackie still doesn't get it. Not one light flickers on behind those huge glistening eyes. Nat sighs, and then shrugs her shoulders, palms up, gesturing aimlessly.

"So - a lot of the team is, y'know... queer or whatever." At the very mention of that word, Jackie's eyes already start widening, her cheeks feeling a sudden rush of warmth. "And you don't exactly have a history of being very open-minded. Like, remember how you joined that stupid, traditionalist Christian values club? Or the fucking abstinence club? Actually, are those the same one? I can't - I don't remember." Just the word abstinence makes Jackie's head swim with more horrors from the night before. Jeff all around her. Jeff all inside her. Jackie blinks rapidly, finding the words.

"You guys don't actually think I believe in those things, right?" She scoffs. When she stares at Nat and finds that her face is unchanging, Jackie's lower lip drops slightly. "Wait... do you?"

"Well, you've never denounced it! And you still sign up every semester and actually turn up to the meetings - "

"But, I don't - I mean I'm not, like, actually serious about it!" Jackie can't believe what she's hearing. No more tears fall, just totally mystified that this is even a debate point.

"Then why the fuck do you always sign up to it?"

"It's like an image thing! Like - like, my parents are - " Jackie has to pause, suddenly fearful that they're somewhere around the corner, eavesdropping, ears to the walls. She lowers her voice looking back at Nat. "My parents are... maybe - a little controlling sometimes, but they just - they want to make sure everything looks good on paper, that's all - "

"And how exactly are any of us supposed to know that about you, Jackie?" Nat cuts past her, shrugging upwards. It's a good point. So good that it leaves Jackie's mouth agape, wordless and itching. "Because from everybody else's perspective, all they see is Little Miss Perfect joining these misinformed, glorified hate groups - "

"Hate groups?!" Jackie leans forward so fast she nearly falls off the step.

"Yes, Jackie - hate groups!" When Nat confirms it, she swears Jackie almost laughs in disbelief, but she doesn't let Jackie form a reply of her own. "Preaching all this janky horse shit about marital traditionalism and sexual fucking purity exclusively between a man and woman - "

"How the fuck is that hateful, exactly?"

"Exclusively between a MAN and a WOMAN, Jackie! God, you're so - " Nat groans, so irritated that she has to stand and pace. She gestures at her wildly with both of her hands. "Girls, plus sports. Equals, lots of queers. Do you see the goddamn picture yet?" She annunciates each syllable as clearly as she can without throwing a fit of rage. It's crazy how Jackie had been crying in her arms mere minutes before, and now she's just staring at her in total bemusement. Nat lets out another groan that becomes an annoyed whine. "I can't believe I have to explain this to you - how do you think your queer teammates feel? About their Captain being a part of clubs that shit on their entire existence? Calling them impure? Sinful? Immoral? Unnatural? Or just flat out disgusting - "

"Yeah, but obviously I don't actually believe in that bullshit!" Jackie says finally. She hadn't even been aware that she could stomach saying that part out loud. Her parents certainly, absolutely, wholeheartedly do believe in that bullshit. And Jackie is painfully aware that she's never actually verbalised her disagreement with them until now. Now that it's threatening her. Now that it's become the very reason she's losing touch with her team - with her friends - with her best friend in the whole world.

"Really?" Nat nods bitterly, her lips tight as she does so.

"Obviously, Nat, I'm not some - " Jackie actually has to search for the word, "Some homophobe, or whatever - "

"Reaaally?" She actually laughs when she says it. Jackie stares at her face, realising Nat doesn't actually believe her. And then it gets worse. "You let those shitbirds walk all over your best fucking friend, Jackie."

"I did not let them walk all over her!" Jackie defends, now standing back on her feet as well. "What they're saying about Shauna isn't even true."

"God, not this again - and how do you know that, Jackie? How would anyone else but Shauna know that?" Nat doesn't like where this is going. Being at each others throats after being in each others arms.

"Because, she's my best friend and I know her! So excuse me for not letting some field hockey losers drag Shauna's fucking name through the dirt - "

"And what exactly is dirty about being queer, Jackie?"

One question, and the alleyway free-falls into a stark, oozing silence. Neither one of them moves, nor speaks. Jackie isn't even sure if she breathes. She's suddenly all alone in this narrow space, Natalie's eyes boring into her, fiery and agonising. A little breath gets caught in Jackie's throat, mouth twitching, eyes fluttering for a moment.

"Nothing!" It comes out all high-pitched, terrified, "Nothing, I - I never said that it was, Nat, come on! I wouldn't - I didn't - " Jackie says Nat's name like a beg. She almost laughs but she even can't muster the strength, not with the pain suddenly radiating in her chest.

"But you kinda just did, didn't you, Jackie?" Nat's eyes are unforgiving. Now she's the one to take a step towards Jackie, never missing a single blink as she stays locked onto her. "Has it ever occurred to you that the reason why we don't include you in some conversations is because you say shit like this? Or because you actively sign up to those bullshit clubs? For fucks sake, Jackie, even Laura Lee isn't a part of those!"

"Yeah, but I didn't know, and - and I still don't think that's - "

"Lucy was in there, with you, in those fucking groups! How self-obsessed do you have to be to not remember that?"

Oh.

Oh.

Now Jackie remembers.

"I - I wasn't trying to, like - "

"How many lesbians - or queer people, or whatever - do you think are on the team? Take a wild guess, Captain." Nat folds her arms, stone-faced and closed off. No more pity hugs. Jackie's ears get warm, eyes flickering frightfully as she stalls on the question.

"I - I don't know? Possibly Van, and - and I think - maybe Tai, right? Or, no - "

"Holy shit, Jackie. Lottie's cousin could tell they were a couple within five minutes of meeting them and he's literally ten years old." Nat spits dryly, leaning forward as she does so. She rolls her eyes, finally breaking the eye contact. "God, you are unbelievable - "

"Well, I'm fucking sorry if I don't have a goddamn - lesbian thermometer - or whatever it's called - "

"A GAYDAR, JACKIE, IT'S A - "

Nat has to take a deep, long breath. Eyes closed, regaining her composure as Jackie shakes her head. Nat mutters under her breath, followed by more muted curses. She is so over this. Over all of it. She picks her bag up and flings it over her shoulder, and sirens ring in Jackie's head knowing that she hasn't achieved what she set out to, she's not done.

"Wait, Nat, can we just - "

"Almost everyone, by the way." Nat grumbles before Jackie can finish her plea.

"What do you mean?" Jackie asks after a short pause. The all too familiar look of Jackie-confusion reenters her facial atmosphere. Nat doesn't leave just yet, because she isn't done either. Nowhere near it, actually.

"I asked you to guess how many teammates - on your fucking soccer team - are lesbians or queer. And there. That's it. That's your answer." Nat uses everything in her power to stay somewhat composed. "Almost everyone, Jackie - almost every single one of us is a lesbian, or queer, or... questioning." Nat doesn't avert her eyes from Jackie's as she pulls her bag tightly over her chest, especially on that last word. Jackie's heart drops to the pit of her stomach so quickly that she swears it falls out of her. Jumbled words, maybe apologies, claw up her throat but never make it out into the open.

"And if you didn't notice that about your own fucking team, then you're shit outta luck. Really, I don't know what to tell you, because imagine how they feel - " Nat pauses. She doesn't think long about her next steps, and in the blink of an eye, she chooses to be brave, braver than her. She rephrases. "Imagine how we feel, Jackie. Knowing that our own captain attends clubs spewing hate speech, and then having to sit and fucking listen to that same airhead regurgitate some old-timey, traditionalist fuck-head rhetoric that goes against everything we stand for." They don't break eye contact, not for even a moment. Nat's shuddering as she speaks, emphasising with a passion that makes Jackie speechless for once in her life. Nat's next step is slightly more hesitant towards her, less aggressive now.

"And that feeling - that feeling is exactly why Shauna cannot, and will not, ever fucking trust you. Because if she is queer - and that's if, Jackie, IF she is then why - WHY, in the flying fuck, would she ever trust you with that part of her?" Nat's voice wavers as she holds herself back, eyes now swimming as they stare Jackie down who hasn't moved a muscle since Nat started talking. Even now, just like at the lockers, just like in the fight - Jackie does not move an inch, nor speak a word. Feet planted into the concrete, an old tree spreading rotten roots, swaying as the wind tunnels softly through the alley around them. But Nat expects just as much, with a final disapproving shake of her head.

"And just so you know, you don't have to be a stereotypical Bible-thumping, yeehaw-cowboy from the sticks to be a homophobe. Choosing to stand down, choosing be silent - that's still a choice." Another step forward. Nat wants to see pain in Jackie's eyes, she wants to feel the tears that fall silently down Jackie's unmoving face. "And you chose - you fucking chose, Jackie! You're choosing right now - look at you!" Nat's close enough to feel Jackie's breath, shaking and sharp, as it hits her cheeks. Jackie is silent. Jackie is always silent. Nat's jaw clenches. Jackie chose. 

"See you at practice." Nat's actually done this time, turning to leave.

Jackie's vision is blurred, new tears rolling over old streaks, lips trembling - her whole body is. Her mouth slightly ajar, because she's trying - with every muscle - to speak, to break from the roots under her feet. But her lungs burn every time she breathes, let alone speaks. Her throat, raw and aching as she watches Nat's back. Watches her walk away with a sense of finality that's killing her from the inside out.

How much longer can she do this? How much longer can she be silent? How much longer can she be still?

Something in Jackie knows it can't end this way, this can't be final, this can't be who she is forever, this isn't who she wants to be anymore -

"I wanna choose again!" The words practically shoot out of her, like someone's smacked them out from the back of her head. So hurried and scrambled that she isn't even sure if Nat hears it. And then she watches Nat's feet stop. She thinks of Nat's face seconds earlier, just before she walked away - the pure hatred, the disgust she held for Jackie in her eyes. When Jackie tries to speak again, her throat goes back to being tight, and what comes out is barely a squeak. But Nat has stopped to listen. And Jackie can't let that be for nothing. She pushes again, even when her words come out so frail, raspy and panicked, breath almost whistling in the down parts.

"I wanna - I wanna choose again, and - and - and I wanna choose better, Nat, just... please, okay? Please..." With shaky knees, Jackie finally breaks the roots that bind her, and she's moving, walking to her. Nat hears her, and turns around to face her before she reaches her. Jackie cringes, expecting to see Nat as she had looked at her last. But that expression has faded. Remnants of it remain, but there's something else there. Something from earlier, when Nat had held her in her arms as she sobbed. The dread burrowing in Jackie's chest finally starts to lift, finding some relief in Nat's softening demeanour. "Tell me what to do, and I'll - I'll do it, Nat. Anything, I swear." She waits, almost expecting Nat to give her a detailed laundry list as tall as she is, but that's not what she says.

"Read." The small word draws some confusion onto Jackie's face once again. Nat sighs heavily and swings her bag over, pawing around the inside of it. "Books. You've heard of them, I hope." Instead of a book, Nat produces a little pack of tissues from her bag and extends it over to a very wet-faced Jackie.

"I have heard of them - and thank you." Jackie takes the tissues from her hand gently. A peace offering, perhaps.

"Good." Nat tries to keep things stern yet civil. "Then educate yourself. Talk to people and actually fucking listen. Maybe join some clubs that are actually helpful, and drop out of all the other shit you're signed up to. Especially the one with that hockey shit-eater." Nat waves her hand nonchalantly, still wincing when she mentions them. Jackie nods as she wipes down her face and then blows her nose. This absolutely did not go the way Jackie thought it would. Well, maybe it did, in a sense. Asking someone to critique the hell out of you and then getting your ass handed back to you might actually be the most obvious outcome.

"I will." Jackie whimpers into the tissue. Nat almost feels sorry for her now. She hasn't ever said that many words to Jackie in all the time they've known each other. And she really gave it to her, too. Nat scratches her jaw, cringing as she says what she has to say next.

"Fucks sake, Jackie - do you need a hug or some shit, because..." Nat lets her shoulders go slack before she peers up, only to see Jackie nodding fervently. Those doe eyes, so big and so very sad. "God fucking damn it, fine." Nat swings her bag back around as Jackie stands expectantly, waiting for the signal of approval. Nat sighs heavily and lodges her feet into place. She opens her arms. "Come on, Captain. I don't have all day." Jackie crashes into her. Squeezing her so tightly that Nat's back arches instinctively. "Ow, why - "

"Sorry! I'm sorry." Jackie loosens her grip. But she's just glad Nat even offered. And even if Nat tore her a new one and really laid into her, Jackie lets a faint, tired grin flicker onto her face, teary eyed. "Thank you." The words come out small into Nat's neck, but she hears it. They stay hugging for awhile until Nat's skin itches to be free of her. Even after shoving Jackie off of her, Nat still waits for Jackie to make herself look decent (and not post-mental breakdown/revelation chic) before they head back towards the school.

Shauna is right. Nat really is soft under that hard exterior. And Jackie's glad it was her who witnessed her breakdown, because although Natalie Scatorccio is many things, she's no snitch.

As for Jackie, well... Jackie had finally stood up. She had finally spoken up. And she had finally promised.

Most of all - Jackie had finally chose. 

And she chose to be better.

Chapter Text

Shauna likes the rain.

Especially when it rains hard.

Not just the little pitter-patters against her window, she likes the heavy droplets, the ones that spray wet waves like gunfire, battering anything it touches. Torrential and inescapable.

She closes her eyes to it and listens. Laying on her back in bed, hands clasped over her ribs, for what feels like hours. As euphoric as it is for her in the moment, it actually only ranks as her third favourite sound in the world.

And it isn't just the rain itself that she enjoys, it's what comes after. The smell of grass and earth, invigorated and grateful. She cracks open the window and lays beside it, breathing in long and deep, waiting. Because there's one more thing she loves after rainfall.

Birdsong, her second favourite sound in the world, how it rings out in the sky above, or on the fence in the front yard, in the trees by her window. She turns her head to gaze into the greenery. Tiny feathered things, hopping around on the wet bark, singing their sweet songs to her. Shauna hasn't smiled a lot lately, but she thinks she feels something smile-like happening on her face when she hears and sees them.

She's comforted by the strictness of the regime. The heavy rainfall, the grass and earth, the birdsong. It's designated. It's a certainty, it's reliable, and it never fails her. Whereas her absolute favourite sound of all time isn't as consistent - but that's only because it belongs to a person - and people are unpredictable, and ever-changing... so, what would Jackie say to her, and the week-long pity party Shauna's been having, waiting for the rain and talking to the moon? Would she find it poetic or pathetic? At this point, Shauna isn't even sure anymore. Actually, she isn't sure about much of anything anymore.

"Shauna?" There's a familiar knock on her door, and usual feeble voice that follows it. The birds at her window stir, wings flapping in a panic as they rush away. Shauna watches them, up and away, staring longingly as they disappear into the endless sky. She sighs.

"Yeah, mom?" She calls, monotone and already disinterested. The handle twists and the door creaks open. Shauna hears the familiar rattling of metals and ceramics on plastic, she doesn't have to look up to see the tray of food her mom carries in for her and sets down. There's another silence between them. Shauna still doesn't look. Her eyes set on the skies still, wondering if her feathered friends will return to finish their song. She hears weight shift on the bed, causing her to look back. Deb Shipman sits tight-kneed at the edge of the mattress, eyes to the floor in the space between them.

"Sweetie..." She starts quietly, clearly struggling in her speech. Shauna begins feeling slightly alarmed, intimidated by the downtrodden tone in her mom's voice. "I know you don't actually have a stomach bug, or the flu, or just - anything of that nature." Shauna's already anticipated getting caught in her lies, but she still tries to cover her tracks.

"I said I don't know what it is, I'm just... not feeling well."

"Let me finish." The command is a warning, but a soft one at that. She fidgets with her hands in her lap, thinking about how to phrase her next set of words. "I know it's not any of those illnesses, but... but I do think you're still sick, Shauna. Just... maybe not physically." It takes another few seconds of silence, but Deb manages to look across at her, eyes red and wet. Shauna sits up by the window, searching into her mother's expression. Does she know? About the journal? About camp? About school? About her? "You barely eat. You hardly talk. You won't answer Jackie's calls. You've barely left your room at all, and I think... I think maybe you could benefit from... talking to someone, or something... I - I met this lovely man, at the synagogue and he - "

"Mom." Shauna shuts her eyes, already itching at the sound of it all. She blinks back up to see her mom's gaze still clinging to her. "I... I really appreciate the thought, but... I don't wanna see some religious therapist for... this." Shauna isn't even sure what to call it, but she sure as hell knows she can't say it out loud yet, especially not to her.

"Will you at least consider it?" She persists.

"I have - and it's still a no. Remember, after my Bat-mitzvah? I said I was done with religion and I meant it. I still mean it." Shauna wants to yell it at her, but in all honesty, she just doesn't have the energy for it. Plus, the weak, defeated tone of her voice is guaranteed to be more sympathetic at least. Her mom just sighs heavily, rising from the bed. She walks in an aimless circle, hands on her hips as she thinks.

"Fine." She says eventually, pausing before the door. "But that 'religious therapist', as you so graciously called him, was willing to give us a discount in good faith. So I can look for non-religious options, but they'll be more expensive... I wouldn't hold your breath if I was you." Of course that's the ultimatum. Deb opens the door, but stands another moment before turning back to look at her. "And it's already Friday tomorrow, Shauna. You can handle one more day of school before the weekend starts. You'll be in tomorrow." And then she's gone, door shut and already making her way downstairs.

Shauna sits still, staring at the place she once stood. A small panic starts spreading like wildfire, starting in her eyes and infecting every inch of her face. Soon her chest is heaving, and she's feeling sick all over again. She sees that word on her locker. She hears Lucy on her heels. She feels the hallway growing tighter around her, squeezing her insides.

How could she go back? Shauna's not even thought about returning yet. She wants to stay here, by the window, listening to rain and birdsong.

How could she look anyone in the eye, knowing that they've seen that word on her locker? Saw how she cried and ran? Did they hear the whispers floating all around her? The laughter? The muddy foot print in her chest? The shame in her eyes? The humiliation?

How could she look Jackie in the eye? More pressingly, how quickly will it take for Jackie to look away? To pull away?

Shauna looks at the pinned photo on her wall of the two of them (because it's always of the two of them). Those doting amber eyes. That radiant, ear-to-ear smile. A face beautiful enough to inspire oil paintings and poetry. Shauna stares at that face. Longing and aching for her so excruciatingly that she has to turn away before it kills her.

This happens all the time. She can never stare for too long. Even as she sits there, envisioning her with closed eyes, wondering where Jackie is, and what's doing right then, in that very second...

Jackie feels like she's going to pass out.

"Genders & Sexualities Alliance,

Allies welcome!"

She stands all strict and rigid, mesmerised by the whiteboard header as she it reads from outside the classroom. Looking dumbfounded, her feet teetering along the edge of the doorway, at the precipice of bridging the gap. All she has to do is walk in. That's it. She just has to make her idiot feet move, just like she did in the alley with...

...wait.

Jackie glances around - where the hell did Nat go?

She catches a blur of bleached blonde hair discretely trying to slip away behind her.

"Hey!" Jackie snaps, grabbing her firmly by her wrist and pulling. Nat's already groaning in agony by the time she reaches her side again. "You literally just said you would go in with me!"

"Jackie, there's theatre nerds in there! If I hear even one musical ballad, I start decomposing - "

"It's not just theatre nerds, Nat! I mean - I saw a girl from cheer in there, can you believe it?" Jackie is genuinely in total surprise over it, mouth hanging slightly agape like she's just discovered ancient ruins or human bones in her backyard.

"Believe what? That not all queer women are masc and drive Harleys?"

"But, she's a cheerleader!"

"So?" Nat leers at her. Jackie blinks, sincerely in disbelief at the realisation.

"Holy shit..." She pauses, her huge eyes going even wider. "Am I... ignorant? Like, am I actually a bigot?" The question just makes Nat sigh her signature sigh, eyes shut as she does so.

"Fine. I'll go in with you." The sentence barely registers, her words mumbled so half-assedly as she forces them from behind her teeth. Jackie breathes out in relief as Nat continues. "But only because I can tell you're just going to embarrass yourself saying shit like that." Well. It's a good point, at least. And Jackie is happy that Nat is choosing to be there for her, even after everything. Before Nat walks into the classroom, she turns around one last time, pointing a finger in Jackie's face and whispering threateningly, "But if I hear - even one note - from some dork ass show-tune number - I will be out of there so fucking fast, Jackie - "

" - Hard agree, mhm." Jackie whispers back quickly, shaking her head as well. Nat nods, brisk and dreading. She reluctantly turns, still frowning apprehensively, as she leads Jackie into the classroom.

Jackie burns under the bright overhead lights, feeling like she sticks out like a sore thumb already, which she certainly does. She's not oblivious to the stares that follow her as she crosses the room after Nat, and she doesn't dare meet their eyes with her own. She just weaves through the desks until Nat finds a lonely space for them to fill, sitting side by side. Jackie swallows her nerves and her pride - and waits for it...

But after a moment, she discovers that nothing happens. No barrage of questions or argumentativeness. They literally just let her walk right in, accepting her presence wordlessly. A few stares don't hurt, and they're to be expected anyways. Especially with Nat's speech from the alley still fresh in her mind. She would've thought the school's GSA would be up in arms about her taking up a spot in their typical lunch room. So the lack of confrontation instills confidence in Jackie, plus it also feels nice to already be making progress her promise.

"You alive in there, Jackie?" Nat's voice comes from her side, and Jackie realises she's been staring blankly at her own fidgeting hands on the desk.

"Yeah, I'm just... thinking." Jackie finally looks up and around her, scanning the room and its inhabitants. Just as she mentioned to a very unamused Nat - it's not all short-haired girls with broad shoulders, dressed in baggy jorts and dad tees - or boys in dreamy, breathless crop-tops with little waists and limp wrists. And by the way, Jackie would've been totally fine if that were the case too, but she still feels fucking stupid. More stupid than she knew she ever could be.

There's all kinds of people in here that Jackie hadn't even considered before. The spectrum is so incredibly versatile and varied, and she hadn't even had a clue. Masculine boys, boys Jackie thought had girlfriends. Boys that look like they could be Jeff. And feminine girls, girls Jackie thought had boyfriends. Girls that look like they could be Jackie. That one girl from the cheer squad - and, holy fuck - Jackie realises she absolutely is ignorant. How has she gone all her life without even thinking about these possibilities?

"Nat? Haven't seen you in here since - " A voice comes up from behind Jackie, but it fades swiftly. Jackie even hears the person's shoes hit the floor as they stop themselves. Jackie watches as Nat's eyes dart over her shoulder, then back at Jackie, about to speak, but the familiar, dubious voice beats her to it. "Uhh... Jackie...?"

Oh, God... so it begins...

Jackie reluctantly answers to the call, turning in her seat, coming almost face to face with one of the other soccer girls. Staring at Jackie incredulously, clutching a warm sub in one hand and a cold soda in the other.

"What're you, uh... what're you doing here?" Melissa asks slowly, looking entirely petrified - like Jackie's holding a knife to her throat. Is Melissa scared of her? Is this what Nat was talking about? Melissa's face reaches a soft pink hue, radiating brightest under her eyes.

"What am I doing here? I mean, probably the same as everybody else?"

"...So, you're - also - here to be gay in peace?"

"What - no!" Jackie says a little too quickly and a little too loudly, prompting a few turning heads around them. She hears Nat snort, and quickly shoots her a look. Nat's face flattens immediately, once again caught in Jackie's headlights.

"Sorry." She grumbles, barely moving her lips as she does so. Jackie face brews with sudden warmth, turning back to a still terrified Melissa.

"I mean the, um - the board says 'allies welcome', and I am an ally. So does that, like... is that cool?" She shrugs, hoping it makes some sort of sense, or at the very least sounds believable. Melissa's jaw tightens slightly, eyes still riding out a wave of fright and uncertainty. Jackie notices that Melissa's gaze flickers briefly over her shoulder to Nat. She isn't sure what Nat must look like behind her, but she has to be somewhat on her side, as Melissa's tensed up stance starts to loosen ever so slightly.

"Oh... yeah, that's - that's cool." She nods slowly, pensive and undecided. And Jackie can tell that Melissa definitely still seems at least partially suspicious of her presence. "Totally cool." Melissa says again, breaking the eye contact as she cautiously sets her lunch down at the front desk, where teachers sit in regular class. Oh... does Melissa have some sort of authority within the GSA? How come Jackie never knew any of this? Not even a little bit of it?

"Cool." Jackie repeats after her, also nodding. The three of them sit saying nothing for quite some time. The silence is only broken when Melissa starts unwrapping her sub. Everything is cool, very cool. Nothing for Jackie to freak out about. They're just hanging out. Three soccer players who never see each other outside of practice, chilling in the designated GSA lunch room together. Jackie tries not to notice how messy Melissa eats, the loud chewing or the sauce down her chin. Messy eating, one of Jackie's biggest pet peeves. But it's all good, she's not going to say anything. In fact, she's just going to look away and avoid it. Because everything is fine. Because everything is all very good and very cool. Then, Jackie hears another vaguely familiar voice that she can't quite place.

"Seriously, Mel - who raised you, sewer rats?" The voice cringes, followed by a frustrated, but still patient, sigh. "You're so lucky I'm in love with you because this - this is disgusting even for you. And that's saying something." Curiosity gets the best of her, and Jackie ever so slightly peeks over, just in time to see Gen press a small kiss to Melissa's cheekbone. Jackie's eyes widen against her will... the way that Gen says she's in love with her... the way that she kisses her... the way that Gen now rests a knee on Melissa's lap, leaning over her to wipe her face... suddenly Jackie's heart is racing. Nat, though, isn't looking at Gen and Melissa, she's looking at Jackie. She notices how Jackie's face changes, the way her eyes panic, the way her cheeks suddenly and faintly start to blush.

Gen lovingly presses a napkin to Melissa's chin, only pausing for a brief moment to examine whatever warning expression Melissa is flashing up at her. Gen's brows knit in confusion, still dabbing the napkin around Melissa's mouth, before her gaze finally floats up and over to Jackie. She stops, mortified eyes fluttering in realisation. She swiftly removes her knee from Melissa's lap, standing up straight.

"Jackie. Hey." It comes out quickly, all high and quiet. God, is this really how people think of her? Does she really inspire this much fear and distrust? Even from her own teammates? Nat's glad that Jackie gets to see it firsthand.

"Hi - hey." Jackie replies with a single wave. She gestures to the desk before her. "I'm just, y'know... hanging out or whatever." Jackie sees Gen's throat bobble as she swallows, hard and dry, already growing red in the face. Melissa takes the napkin from Gen's unmoving hand and wipes her chin clean, before clearing her throat.

"Jackie's, um - an ally - just checking things out, so..." Melissa grumbles, in between some more gnarly chewing.

"Oh... that's, um..." Gen nods slowly, similarly to how Melissa had been done just moments earlier. Only, Gen looks a lot less convinced than Melissa does, and certainly is nowhere near as comfortable. There's a fear in her expression, a kind of hesitation, that Jackie finds achingly familiar. It mirrors how she thinks she looks when she freezes, desperately trying to move - trying to speak. But Gen manages to break free from the invisible force binding her, much faster than Jackie does. "That's cool." Her eyes are still slightly wild and panicked though. But nevertheless, Gen lands softly onto the chair next to Melissa. Who, much to Jackie's surprise, is grinning mischievously.

"Y'know, I actually said the same thing." Melissa lays back, spreading out lazily in her chair, "And actually, now that I think about it, you've been mirroring me a lot lately. I must be rubbing off on you." She murmurs in a teasing tone, taking another messy bite from her sub that makes both Gen and Jackie cringe in unison. Gen's features distort with a grossed out expression, eyeing her from head to toe, deeply unimpressed.

"Mel. You have ranch dripping onto your crotch as you say this to me. Please humble yourself." Gen says this with a straight face and brutally honest tone. Nat snorts from the side, and even Jackie she has to cover her mouth with a hand, rubbing the area as she forces a laugh down her throat. Melissa wipes her trousers haphazardly with her already dirty hands. "Not with your - sauce hands - God, you're infuriating - " Gen swats Melissa's shoulder, stopping the action. Jackie lets out a little huff of laughter into her hand. Nat catches the little actions, gazing at Jackie from the side, trying not to be so obvious. She's starting to realise that maybe she was a little too hard on her earlier... (only maybe, though).

Jackie had no idea Melissa and Gen were even... well... together? Is that what they are?

In the corner of her eye she spots Gen impatiently forcing napkins and hand sanitiser onto Melissa, who just sits there accepting them and squeaking about how sorry she is.

You're so lucky I'm in love with you.

Jackie could've maybe guessed Melissa. Maybe. But Gen? She seems so ...

Jackie catches herself this time.

Gen seems so... what? Girly? Feminine? Why, because her favourite colour is pink and she loves skirts? It's so stupid, Jackie realises.

Why does stupid shit like that have to dictate who is or isn't queer?

Jackie's brow furrows, her lower lip twitching open as she remembers what Van had said to her.

"You can't even say it."

But she just did. In her head, sure, but it still counts. It counts to her. It was in her own head, in her own voice. It can't be for nothing. Jackie lays her hands down flat on the table, sweaty and warm. Okay, so she says one little word in her head - and it doesn't kill her inside the way she thought it would. And she doesn't get struck by lightning, or crushed under the weight of the school block, or swallowed down into the earth's core. Instead, a hand extends in front of her, holding out a leaflet as an offering. She looks up to discover that the hand belongs to Melissa.

"What's, um... what's all this about?" Jackie says, as safely as she can, curiously taking the paper from her. Nat has one of her own, leaning back in her chair as she reads through it. Jackie examines the colourful paper rectangle, eyes casting over things she's never had to think about in her entire life.

"So, uh..." Melissa leans on the table, pointing at the text as she explains. "These are just some upcoming events in town - lectures, stand-up, drag, you name it... also some maybe keggers." She whispers the last part while glancing up at the door, checking for teachers. Nat smirks at that idea. "All kinds of stuff, official and unofficial... But, if you're not up for socials, we've also got monthly media recs at the bottom." Even with the full explanation, Jackie still stares blankly at the page, her eyes like voids, vast and endless. She glares long and hard enough for Nat to clear her throat, throwing an elbow into her side. Jackie jumps, finally looking up at Melissa, surprise and confusion flooding her face. "Jackie... It's okay to not know everything - or, y'know - be a little nervous or confused, with terminologies and stuff." Melissa tells her sympathetically.

"Oh... is it, um - is it that obvious?" Even Jackie cringes a bit when she says it, but Melissa just laughs, infectious and genuine, and it makes her feel a little safer. Jackie even catches a muffled giggle from Nat beside her, and Gen at the teacher's desk.

"Who cares if it's obvious? You said you're here to be an ally, and... a part of that means you'll be learning new things, doesn't it?" She's got a point, a very good point. Jackie nods to herself, as her eyes fall back down at the leaflet. Melissa watches as Jackie's thumbs fidget with the corners of the paper, she sees Jackie's brain ticking, the way her lips shift slightly - anxious and blushing. And Melissa... Melissa has a hunch... She thinks... she wonders... if maybe this is one of those moments. Not necessarily a pivotal one, although maybe it could be, but something potentially important nonetheless. She can't be totally sure, but she decides to take a stab in the dark. Melissa glances around, discretely checking if any faces are turned their way. Once she sees the coast is clear, Melissa leans down closer to Jackie and jots a finger around the media recs at the bottom.

"I usually recommend these to all newcomers, but um... I think maybe you could take a look at this one, too. It's an essay, but like, 30 pages long or something. There's a lot of complex language but it's still, um... very useful." Melissa tells her in a hushed voice. Jackie doesn't exactly know why she's doing it, but she appreciates the discrete tone. No judgement, nothing to antagonise her with or intimidate her. Jackie watches as Melissa's finger taps over the bullet-pointed item. She stares at it pensively. Seeing the words. Processing silently. And then she feels the air leave her lungs. Nat's eyes widen from the side, reading the specific bulletpoint. She glances at Jackie's face. Her cheeks now clearly flushed with pink, eyes completely vexed by the words. "I'm pretty sure, uh... Gen's been holding onto our last copy for awhile now." Melissa tries to say it quietly, but Gen's too close to be completely out of earshot, especially from registering her name in the hushed sentence.

"Hm?" Gen looks over to them, with a bit of Melissa's sub in her mouth. She quickly wipes her chin with the back of her hand, but some sauce still remains. Melissa grins for a brief moment. Maybe a tiny bit of her is rubbing off on Gen after all. She lifts from the leaning position at Jackie's side, meeting Gen's gaze as she walks over to her.

"Uh..." Melissa scratches the back of her neck, still trying to speak lowly and out of earshot from anyone else. "Do you still have the, um - that essay? The Adrienne Rich one, it's..." At the mention of the author's name, Gen blinks like she's hit a nerve. Not in a bad way, but it throws her off slightly, catching her a bit off guard. Gen's eyes momentarily dart over to Jackie knowingly, who's still perplexed by the leaflet, then back up at Melissa.

"Sure, yeah I - I've still got it." Gen replies, in an equally hushed tone, placing her bag on her lap to rummage through it. Jackie doesn't look at any of them anymore. The heat in her face is spreading all the way up to the tips of her ears. She zones out, staring wordlessly at the leaflet with eyes on fire, only ever blinking again when something else breaks her line of sight. Melissa slides the thin stack of paper in front of her, on top of the leaflet, between Jackie's hands. Jackie stares down at the little book. She reads the title again. Absorbing, digesting. Still not speaking. Nat stares at it too with worried, even slightly panicked, eyes - shifting between Jackie and the book on the desk. That's when she notices - as do Melissa and Gen - that Jackie's eyes are watering. Not crying, but they're red and look like they sting.

"I personally thought it was, um... it..." Gen speaks cautiously from the side, her voice gentle and soothing. But Jackie still doesn't look at her, or any of them. She can't right now. It's impossible, she knows this. It's fucking impossible now. Melissa makes soft, comforting eye contact with Gen - who ultimately finds a way to push through her freeze, and find her voice again. "It helped me - it was helpful, for my... situation." Gen clears her throat, struggling, but getting through it still. "But, um... the other media recs worked good, too."

Helped her?

Worked good?

What is Jackie here to work on exactly?

This was for Shauna right? For her best friend? For her team?

Jackie can't remember if she's started breathing again, or if she's been actually breathing this whole time. Entirely numb to everything and anything around her, everything except for the literature between her hands.

She caresses the battered book's spine - curious - but burning. Seething. Aching in her chest, pounding in her head. She bundles the frail pages into twitching, trembling hands, fixated on the text before her.

Jackie reads the title in her head for what feels like the hundredth time.

"Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence, by Adrienne Rich."

Melissa was right. It's a lot of big-brain words. Or rather, complex language, as she put it. But it's not just that one essay, it's all of them. Her bag is heavy with media recommendations, gracefully lent by other alliance members (once Jackie was finally able to start talking again). Nobody badgered her. Nobody laughed. They let her freeze. They let her think. And the only voices that raised spoke softly to her, sharing books and films. Never pushing, never demanding. Jackie still doesn't really want to talk about it, but at least she's moving. She might not be able to speak sometimes, but at least she's not totally frozen anymore.

Nat looks over at her. She can't pinpoint the exact reason she insists on hanging out with Jackie, all she knows is something shifted between them in that alley - and in that GSA lunch room. She actually realises she doesn't know her at all, she's nothing like she thought she'd be, and it isn't a bad thing. Nat watches as she works, how Jackie's consuming the queer literature like she's studying for an exam. Jackie doesn't do this type stuff. She doesn't read like Shauna does - but maybe even Shauna wouldn't know what the heck is going on in some of these works either. Each sentence is packed with something Jackie has to dissect.

She can't remember the last time she willingly spent a free period in the library of her own accord, not without Shauna dragging her in there kicking and screaming. Same goes for Nat, but with Lottie being the one coercing her into the quiet hall. But she pauses there, doodling and wondering - watching Jackie flip through the literature and referring to dictionaries and encyclopaedias, trying to make sense of everything. She's never seen her so focused.

Jackie's hooked. Her attention never changes course, making notes, translating it into ways that she can grasp better. Jackie's actually fucking trying. Not just because she has to - not just for Shauna or for the team - but because something in her is calling out, clinging to the spines, enticing the knowledge off the pages and into her memory bank. Something's compelling her, and she keeps scratching the itch of curiosity, picking at the scabs, letting the new ideas bleed into her.

In a way, Jackie's glad that Shauna isn't in school today. Because even though Jackie misses her desperately, at least she has something else to obsess over for once. Something else that floods her mind, sparking up her brainwaves, captivating her more and more with each turn of a page. So immersed in the literature that she misses the whispers around her, dismissing them for regular-library-whispers. She doesn't see the eyes that land on her as she sits there, turning page after page.

But Nat does. She's out of earshot for most of it, until she faintly hears the words '...with Jeff last night...' and her eyes flare up. Nat turns her head in the direction of the whispered gossip, glaring furiously enough to make them shut the fuck up. When Nat turns to Jackie, she's still reading, blissfully unaware, across from her. Paying no attention to anything - in her own little bubble of queer media.

Nat can't believe it, but... her heart is legitimately hurting for Jackie Taylor. She thinks of the way that she looked in that GSA classroom, when Melissa handed her that essay on compulsory heterosexuality, and how she looks now - immersed and captivated by the literature, wheels turning in her mind as it opens up. Nat hasn't known the real Jackie at all. The real Jackie who's bursting at the seams, excited to race home and watch as many of the films recs as she can manage in one sitting... but it's going to be difficult getting there on time.

Because Jackie cannot even begin to fathom what impact another car ride with Jeff Sadecki is going to have on her mental state today.

It feels like walking right up to a firing squad. A straight path through the sea of students, to Jeff leaning on his car, eyes down in the nearby gravel. Usually, he's searching for her with eager puppy eyes, scouring through faces. But not this time. She comes to a halt a few feet away from him, and upon recognising her shoes, Jeff looks up, pushing off the car. They stand in silence for a little while, but at least Jackie can look him in the face again.

"Jax..." He sighs eventually, with that same classic-Jeff-disappointment in his tone. "Can we actually talk? Like, before I drive you home, maybe?" God, here it fucking comes. Jackie would run bounding back into the school begging for a ride if she could. But she hasn't made up with all of her closest teammates yet, and she realises asking for a ride right now might be pushing it a little. She'd ask Nat, seeing as they did hang out a lot today, but Nat already has to beg for rides herself, so that's a no go. Jackie sighs, running her hands through her hair. Zero close friends on speed dial, and a boyfriend she's fucking sick of. She's really living the life. "Look, why don't we just... sit here inside for awhile and hash it all out, okay?" He's really trying. But he doesn't realise that the sex was meant to be a saving grace - a final option that didn't even work, not even slightly. Jackie peers at the passenger seat. She doesn't want to feel the leather of it anymore, she doesn't want to sink into it, be sucked into the vortex of Jeff Sadecki. But she already feels it reeling her in. It's shitstorm magnetism drawing her feet to the door against her will.

But in the reflection of the window, Jackie sees something. A possibility. An out. She didn't even think of asking Gen and Melissa, because she's never really spoken to them until today. Yet there they are - walking over to another car at the end of the carpark. Melissa unclips a set of keys from the carabiner on her jean belt loop, tossing them over to Gen, and Jackie knows she has to at least try. She glances at Jeff quickly and suddenly.

"Um, it'll have to wait, Jeff - " Jackie says hurriedly, immediately taking back the steps she made towards the vehicle. Jackie watches Jeff's eyes blow out in shock, and disbelief. "Sorry, I - I forgot I made a promise to do something today." Okay, well... that's half-true.

"Jackie - " Jeff breathes, glaring at her incredulously.

"I'll, um - I'll call you, okay?" No, she won't. Jackie doesn't hear what Jeff says next, but she can tell by the redness in his face that it can't have been very good. Jackie's speedwalk kicks up to a full on jog. God, if this goes terribly, she's going to have to walk all the way home again. Which means a lot less time to watch all the queer shit jostling around in her backpack.

Queer shit.

Look at her, registering it in her head freely like nobody's business.

"Uh, hey guys..!" Jackie calls out before she reaches them. Gen almost about jumps out of her skin in fright, whipping around to face her assailant in terror. Jackie stops running and lifts her hands up as a means of surrender. "Sorry! Sorry... I was just..." She looks between them. Jesus, this is weird, isn't it? Jackie can't even remember the last time she spoke to these two aside from today. "Look, I'm not gonna lie, I'm in a bit of a situation right now, and - "

"Jackie?" She hears Jeff calling her still, from across the carpark. Jackie glances back only briefly. He has his hands out and open in a shrug, and he looks fucking furious with her, eyeing her up like she just escaped a fender bender. She sees him sigh, frustrated and slowly stepping towards her. Jackie knows he probably means well, but the very thought of getting in that car with him is making her feel sick.

"Uhh... Cap?" Melissa reigns her in, confused, "Did you need something or - "

"I just - really do not want to get in that car with him." Jackie says quickly as she turns back to them, her breath still trembling from her little run over. Gen and Melissa glance behind her to see Jeff marching over, but luckily there's quite a lot of ground to cover. When they look back up at Jackie, they see the panic in her eyes. "I can't get in that car with him, I - I just don't want to - " Jackie starts to feel the anxiety rising, and suddenly Gen is grabbing her hand in both of hers with a worried, sympathetic gaze.

"Jackie, are you okay? Do you need a ride?" Gen asks the magic words she's been dying to hear, and before Jackie can reply, they're interrupted by Melissa yanking open the car door.

"Get in." The words are an order, they're spoken much softer than that. Nothing like the way that Jackie had barked at Jeff to drive yesterday. It's sweeter, kinder. She doesn't let another second go by, jumping into the open backseat as the two of them get in the front. Gen driving, Melissa riding shotgun. Relief washes over her as they pull out of the parking lot, even though she can't help but turn her head, watching Jeff as he stands back in the dust. Hands on his hips, glaring right back at her as they peel away. Jackie slumps into the seat with a frustrated groan.

"What the shit was that about?" Melissa asks, fully turned around to face her. "Jackie, is he hurting you?"

"No! No, he's - it's nothing like that, we're just..." Jackie sighs in irritation. Wow, first she snags a ride with them, and now she's about to dump out her personal business too. "We've been stuck in a really shitty place for a long time. And I think... I think if I get in that car with him, we'll be, like... actually over, for real this time." Jackie crosses her arms. Melissa eyes her up, sifting through a series of thoughts.

"Let me get this straight... so, you've been stuck in a really shitty place, for a long time... but you don't want it to be over? How does that make sense?" Melissa murmurs pensively, resting the side of her face on the back of the seat. Gen whips a hand over and lightly smacks Melissa's arm.

"Hey, you can't just ask people stuff like that." She directs, soft but warning. Melissa's mouth twitches open to apologise.

"No - it's fine, it's... actually a good point." Jackie admits, tired and defeated. She lets her head roll back on the seat, staring up at the colourful patches pinned across the inner roof of the car. "I guess I don't really know why I stay with him but I'll, um..." Her eyes land on a patch with the ⚢ wlw symbol, and stays hovering over it for quite some time. "I'll figure it out at some point." She feels her throat tightening, as the symbol stares back at her. Jackie doesn't know it then, but Gen sees this in the rearview mirror, following her gaze up to the patch, before returning her focus to the road.

"You will." She breathes. It's short, but encouraging and positive. She adjusts her hands on the wheel, exchanging brief eyes with Melissa over the centre console - silent, but knowing. Gen places a gentle hand on Melissa's thigh as they stop at a red light. Whatever fear she had of Jackie's presence earlier has now, officially, completely run bone-dry. "So, um - where do you want us to drop you off?" Gen asks unsurely, and also to break the awkward silence. Jackie snaps out of her stare, checking the road signs.

"I can direct you to my place from here, if that's cool? I swear it won't take long." Jackie leans forward towards them, hands the back of the front seats. She peers through the windshield, scanning their surroundings.

"Yeah, sure."

"No problem."

They answer softly and at the same time. Jackie easily recognises where they are and directs them - but even as she tries to keep her eyes on the road, her vision keeps betraying her. Dropping down every now and then, watching Gen's hand as it rests on Melissa's thigh - how her thumb idly caresses the spot back and forth, full of tenderness and love.

It makes Jackie dizzy. She feels warm, not just in her cheeks but in her chest too. When she thinks of that spot on her own body, she tries seeing Jeff's hand there as he drives her around, just like this. Only his touch always feels rough and scratchy, empty and misplaced. But this... she wonders what this feels like. She had felt Gen's hands over hers earlier, in the parking lot, all cushiony and careful, soft and silky.

She looks down at that spot. She fixates on it.

Losing herself in the idea of how it might feel if...

If maybe...

If maybe - it was another hand…

The possibility creates an avalanche, and Jackie feels herself slipping, faster now.

What if?

She lets her mind wander - truly wander - for the first time ever.

And then it surfaces, fully appearing to her.

What if it had been hers?

Jackie's mind goes - and suddenly she's in a memory...

Shauna, in the drivers seat, Jackie in shotgun. Like always. It's just before Christmas Break, and they sit parked by the outskirts of a field.

Shauna's elbow's hiked up by the window - eagerly pressing the side of her face to the cold glass, small breaths weaving webs of condensation. Her wondrous, endless dark brown eyes - marvelling up at the sky, chasing a chorus of birdsong as a flock rockets overhead.

"Do you - can you hear them? Jax, can you see where they're going?" She remembers how big Shauna smiles seeing those birds soaring through the air, how Shauna loves to fantasise about their journeys, the places they see, the heights they climb to - how she imagines what it feels like to be with them in the sky.

And then she remembers how Shauna reaches over with her hand, all rosy and sweaty from the excitement.

How she grabs Jackie's thigh so effortlessly, and squeezes so delicately. Transferring their heat to one another. Unspoken electricity crackling and passing in between them.

She remembers how Shauna looks back at her with that fucking smile. Her smile. Alluring and perfect, bashful and devoted to her. That smile. The one that makes Jackie feel light-headed and drunk and fucking stupid.

Jackie didn't realise it was possible for girls to look handsome... but she discovers it in Shauna.

It's the first time Jackie ever freezes, glued to her seat as the moment washes over them.

She still feels it, even now. Shauna's palm, Shauna's fingers, Shauna's thumb especially - massaging the sweet spot on her inner thigh. She feels the agonising, aching strokes Shauna draws into the soft flesh she finds there.

A single touch in the pitch black night, a chorus of birdsong soaring above them.

A voice in her head, beckoning to kiss her, and...

...and how long has Jackie been spaced out for?

All she knows is Gen and Melissa are fully turned back in their seats, staring at her with looks of bewilderment. Gen clicks her fingers in front of her face.

"Please do not be having a stroke right now."

"Directions, Cap. We can't stay parked here." Melissa's voice echoes in Jackie's head as she returns to reality. "Also, Gen seriously can't be caught driving my car again." Jackie glances between them. Cheeks pink - eyes wide and watery - sweat in her hair, sweat down her back - and a heartbeat that thuds absolutely everywhere.

"God, it is a stroke - " Gen covers her mouth with a hand, but Jackie springs back to life, shaking her head.

"Sorry, I'm - I was just..." She finds herself shaking her head. Her chest is fucking hurting - like, really fucking hurting. Maybe she is having a stroke after all.

"You look like you're about to pass out, dude."

"I'm - I'm not, sorry - I can... I can still navigate, sorry." Jackie clears her throat, and wipes her sweaty palms on her knees. It takes a moment for them to get going, making sure she's okay first and definitely not having a stroke. She navigates in a haze, hypnotised by the long, winding road.

Long, winding curves, just like...

Jackie can't think it. It would make everything real. So she can't, and she won't. In fact, she doesn't -

LongwindingcurvesjustlikeShaunas?

Jackie's brain shoots out her skull like a champagne cork.

She thought it. Jackie let it in.

Her eyes go black for the remainder of the ride.

She doesn't comprehend what Melissa and Gen are talking about from that point forward, she doesn't even know if she's contributed to the conversation at all.

She only registers actually speaking to them again properly when she hastily says goodbye and thanks them for the ride. She wishes she could fully articulate her feelings about today, but it's hard when everything is just -

LongwindingcurvesjustlikeShaunas?

The journey up to her room is also one massive blur. She has no other thoughts in her head. No other motives, no objectives, no goals. She doesn't eat, doesn't drink, doesn't shower. And she certainly doesn't call Jeff. She just opens her bag and scatters the contents on her bedroom floor. She scans over the media before deciding to pick one at random, shoving the tape into her VHS player without a second thought.

Jackie sits on her bed and stares as the screen desperately until it comes alive with light and colour. She spends the rest of the afternoon, evening, and early hours of the next morning there. Frantic, obsessive eyes, sore and burning - plastered to the moving images, heart pounding dangerously.

In a trance - enchanted by the pixelated lesbians that play on her screen - and the long, winding curves of Shauna Shipman that play in her mind.

She's admitting it for the first time in her life. She's admitting it and it doesn't kill her.

Jackie wants to feel Shauna's hand on her thigh again.

She wants to see that handsome smile.

She wants to wake up with birdsong at her window.

Chapter Text

Jackie never sleeps through her alarm, but she does today, only stirring when her mom violently shakes the door handle and calls out to her full government name. She's thankful she locked the door last night, because she finds her TV paused on a frame that would give her parents a heart attack. She kicks herself out of bed to switch it off, promptly bolting into the shower.

Her usual morning routine becomes a half-asleep crash-course. She genuinely doesn't have the time, nor the energy, to do anything but the bare minimum. Dark, sleepless circles cradling her eyes as they sit sorely in their dry sockets. She tosses on absolutely anything in her immediate vicinity, a total nothing-outfit, before crashing down the stairs.

The moment she sits at the table she urgently devours her breakfast in seconds - scalding and scratching the inside of her mouth. Her parents exchange worried looks across the table, eyeing up their recently illusive, ever so slightly dishevelled daughter.

"How did the essay go last night?" Her dad asks passively.

Oh, like... Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence by Adrienne Rich...?

Jackie chokes on her orange juice, setting it down to cough and wipe her mouth. Obviously, not that essay - but it's not the first time Jackie's lied about schoolwork, and it certainly won't be the last.

"Everything alright, Jackie?"

"Yeah, totally!” Jackie pats her chest as her cough simmers down. "And, uh - the essay's great! Definitely made a lot of progress last night, so..." It's a half-truth, at least. Her dad just nods. Not a smile, not another word. This is pretty much as good as it gets when it comes to family conversations in the Taylor household. Her mom looks especially unappreciative though, glaring through the window, frowning and concerned, tracking the car that pulls over outside.

"Good grief, who on earth is that?" She murmurs, judgement spreading quickly in her expression. Jackie follows her gaze and is filled to the brim with relief. Gen and Melissa, pulling up slow, eyeing up the house carefully as they roll down a window. A smile spreads onto Jackie's face, because thank god it isn't Jeff.

"They're from soccer. They're just giving a ride today, that's all." Jackie's up on her feet, rushing over to get her shoes on. She can feel her parents staring. Not at her, but out at the window - at them. Jackie swallows nervously, knowing just how brazen her parents are with their ignorance. She needs to get out of there, and fast. She stomps the last shoe on, overhearing her dad muttering something about 'one of them', presumably Melissa, being 'dressed like a boy'. Listening to it makes Jackie's cheeks burn, embarrassed, and also hurt. She tries to drown out their voices - because Jackie knows there's no fighting her parents - especially her dad. She just sucks air through her teeth and fumbles to get her jacket on.

"See you later?" Jackie prompts, trying to sound as normal as she can - as if she isn't at all affected by what they're talking about. She gets the usual, minimal response. Her mom nods, with a small hum of acknowledgement, and that's it. Nothing from her dad. Not until she's at the front door, ready to leave, does he speak to her without looking.

"Be careful, Jacqueline."

Jackie's fingers hover over the doorknob, and her breathing stalls. He continues, bitter and wary.

"Especially with the tomboy."

Jackie grits her teeth, a sour taste forming under her tongue. But she forces any argumentative protests back down her throat, just like she always does.

"Of course. I'm always careful, you know that." She smiles. She hates that she has to reassure him, but she does it anyway - she has to. There is no winning with him. There never has been, and there never will be. Jackie turns the handle and barges out such ferociously that it makes her parents jump. But when she's outside, she doesn't slam the door. She knows better than to slam a door when they're around, unless she actively wants to be torn apart for an hour and a half. She feels a wave of serenity the moment she's in the open air and walking towards Melissa, who's already outside the car and holding a door open for her.

"Well, well, well... morning, Cap." Melissa greets - tipping her hat, bowing her head. Jackie gestures to the open car door with a nod, grinning.

"Why thank you, such a gentleman." She teases, hopping inside. It draws some soft laughs from Mel and Gen, but when Jackie gets situated inside, she notices her parents still at the window - still watching. Her smile quickly falters, and she makes sure to turn her face away from home. "Um - thanks for showing up, by the way. You're, like, seriously saving my ass from Jeff right now."

"Eh - it's fine. Your house isn't that far from our place anyway."

...our place?

Jackie sits with the sentence for a moment as they pull out onto the main road. She relaxes back into the seat, hands fumbling in her jacket pockets.

"So, do you guys, like... live together, or..?" She enquires, curiously looking between the two of them.

"Uhh..." Melissa starts - her chest puffs as she holds in a strict breath of air for a moment before releasing it. "Kind of - for now, yeah. I live with my older brother. Gen's been crashing with us for about month or so." Jackie sees Melissa's jaw twisting uncomfortably, eyes darting around the dashboard, head swimming with thought. "It's not been, like... easy... with, um..." Melissa doesn't have to say it, Gen looks over at her from the drivers seat. Jackie catches water glistening in Gen's eyes before her gaze returns to the road, hands twisting hard on the steering wheel.

"My parents caught us." Gen states, her voice sounding fluttery and frail. She clears her throat, sitting upright. "We weren't, like... doing anything dirty. Mel drove me home and wanted to kiss me goodnight, on - on the cheek, that's all it was... but... it was enough for my parents to - " Gen stops herself, needing to clear her throat for a second time. Her vocal cords sound like they're bunching into tight, painful knots in her neck. She hastily wipes the a stray tear that makes an escape down her cheek - and Melissa's hand is immediately on the back of Gen's neck, tenderly massaging the spot in an attempt to soothe her. It all clicks, and Jackie feels like she's going to be sick, her face involuntarily shifting into anger and heartbreak.

"Wait - seriously?" Jackie sits forward, disbelieving and disgusted. Even though Jackie knows Gen is crying, her face really doesn't display many signs of the action. A stone-cold pokerface, solely focused on the road up ahead. The expression appears so trained, so rehearsed, so familiar. And Jackie once again realises just how similar they are. That expression is something Jackie can relate to on a deeply personal level. The glazed over features remind her of her own interactions with her parents. Jackie starts to feel dread inside of her. She wonders if her parents are like Gen's.

"Dead serious, yeah. So, I just - did what they told me to do. I packed my things, and I walked right out the front door... but... y'know, it's weird, they... they never even tried to find me, it's - "

"Babe..." Melissa coos softly, still stroking the back of her neck lovingly.

Babe.

Jackie first hears the word in Jeff's voice - and then again in hers - and she shudders at the difference.

Gen inhales and exhales - all focused, slow and shaky - as they stop at a red light. Jackie listens to the leather wheel crinkle as it distorts under Gen's grasp.

"It's for the best." Gen says finally, "And, besides, it's not - all bad... My uncle and his partner are my legal guardians now... They live out of state, but they help me pay for school, so... so, at least I can still graduate... and - and I actually like your dumb brother - " Gen laughs at the end, even though her voice still trembles from the tears. It makes both Jackie and Melissa smile. "And I like you, too... for some reason."

"Hey!" Melissa snaps, reeling back at the comment. "You fucking love me, loser." The traffic light's about to turn green - but Gen leans over the centre console, and kisses her. Jackie gets a front row seat to the display of affection, and her heart skips in her chest, the tips of her ears going red at the sight. Mesmerised by how their noses brush delicately - genuine smiles and soft sighs between their lips - how the tears on Gen's cheeks transfer onto Melissa's, absorbing in her skin. Gen pulls away - and the green light is blaring up ahead of them.

"Yeah, I do, loser." Gen whispers, and she looks back at the road just in time for the driver behind them to honk his horn impatiently. All three of them jump in shock. "Jesus - " Gen breathes, hitting the gas. Melissa and Jackie swoop back to glare angrily back at the stranger driving behind them - both with frowns and open mouths, ready to take action - much to Gen's disapproval. "Please don't cuss him out - "

"I am not!"

"I won't!"

Jackie and Melissa fire back at the same time. They glance between each other, silent for a moment, before laughing amongst themselves - even with Gen's tear-stung eyes still in effect. It feels nice, Jackie thinks. After existing for the better part of two weeks without Shauna, it feels nice to actually relax with... friends? At least Jackie thinks they're starting to become friends now. Jackie wonders if, in part, the new bond feels this natural because there's something unspoken between them. The same unspoken something that drew her into the GSA lunch room yesterday. The same unspoken something that compelled them to guide her through the club leaflet.

Speaking of...

"Oh - by the way," Jackie beams, as the laughter dies down. "Thanks for the media recs - I think I only got, like - three hours sleep tops last night."

"Yeah? I thought so." Melissa grumbles, looking over her shoulder at her, judging her up and down. "You look like shit, Cap."

"Wowwwza, thank you so much - " Jackie scoffs, folding her arms over her chest as they chuckle from the front seats. "Go fuck yourselves." She murmurs eventually, rolling her eyes.

"Well? Which ones did you watch, then?" Melissa prods, grinning.

"I dunno, almost all of them, I think?" Jackie shrugs casually.

Melissa and Gen gape at her incredulously, eyebrows flying up in shock.

"...ALREADY?!"

You see - there's nothing Jackie can't do without her severe obsessive compulsions and late-stage caffeine addiction. Things such as - but not limited to - consuming a long list of media recommendations in record-breaking time. Now, did she accrue a mind-numbing wealth of knowledge in that time? Yes. But did she also forfeit half her braincells by violently ogling a TV screen for hours on end? Also yes.

All the mental and physical destruction, plus the overall haziness caused by her media binge, is probably what causes her to be staring so openly and dumbly like this. Blinking, leaning in her seat, trying to make sure what she's seeing is real.

"Is... that?" Gen's the first to murmur, as she pulls into Melissa's usual spot in the parking lot. If Gen sees it, Jackie can't be hallucinating. A wistful smile forms on her lips, breathing in relief.

"Shipman." It comes out in a sigh, almost like a cry to her. She whacks her seatbelt off, instantly wriggling to the door, bag in hand. She opens the door so quickly she almost falls out of the car. But she turns back to quickly say, "Thanks for the ride, guys - sorry, I have to get going - "

"Go right on ahead, Cap." Melissa encourages from the passenger side. Jackie doesn't get a chance to register the knowing expressions on their faces before she shuts the door behind her. She turns, and sure enough - there's that battered up piece of shit ride (not that Melissa's is any better) and the woman of the hour - of every and any hour... Shauna Shipman, with her back to Jackie, organising her bag and its content on the hood of her car. Jackie's already jogging, the agony of waiting finally drawing to a close.

"Shauna!" She calls out, nearly at her heels. Shauna jumps at the sound, turning around just in time for Jackie to collide right into her, and hard.

"Jesus, Jax - " She gasps, laughing slightly as her legs and backside slam up against the hood of her car from Jackie's momentum. Jackie's arms and hands are already sprawled out all over her back, squeezing Shauna's body against hers, crushing her in her arms. When she feels Shauna reciprocate, her legs almost go limp. Strong arms draped all around her, a gentle hand resting over her ear. Jackie nuzzles her face into the homely crook of Shauna's neck, eyes shut tightly, digging her nose into her skin, inhaling her, pushing warm breaths against her clavicle. The lower side of Shauna's face rests over the top hers.

"I've really fucking missed you, Shipman." Jackie whispers into her collarbone. She feels Shauna's neck pulse when she swallows.

"I've really missed you too, Jax." She whispers back. Her voice and breath fall so closely to Jackie's ear that it spikes goosebumps down her skin. Jackie's gripping her so hungrily that their bodies are completely flush - legs and knees woven together, locked into place, even the sides of their shoes directly flank each other. They sway very gently on the spot - fingers going white from pressure, lost the fabrics of each others clothing. "I - I'm sorry I didn't call you back, Jax, I should have." Shauna rubs the side of her face against her, and Jackie does the same.

"It doesn't matter." Jackie purrs into her. Shauna's cheeks flaunt a rosy pink hue, suddenly very aware of just how insanely warm her body is getting. "I'm just glad you're back." Jackie glides a hand up Shauna's spine, gently cradling the soft spot at the back of her neck. She rubs her thumb over the little notch she finds there, just as she'd seen Melissa do with Gen in the car. She hears a small hitch in Shauna's breathing, and feels Shauna’s fingertips dig a little into the side of her face. "I'm not letting you out of my sight ever again - you realise that, right?" At the sentence, Jackie feels Shauna's body shudder against hers with laughter.

"Yeah, I bet." She grumbles, starting to pull away. Jackie's body goes cold from the lack of contact, but they still stand barely a few inches apart, close enough to feel each others breaths on their skin. Jackie notes the colour burning in Shauna's cheeks - so focused on it in fact, that she doesn't realise hers burn just the same. Jackie's hands trail down Shauna's arms until they reach her hands, and she loosely connects the two of them in a way that sends a brief flicker of something across Shauna's face.

"School's crazy-boring without you. And on top of that - we got our shit rocked in practice thanks to all the rain we've been getting." It feels so painfully normal again that Shauna almost forgets the impending doom she's been drowning in on the daily. Shauna smirks at the sentence bashfully - and only now does Jackie realise the heat in her own face.

"Yeah, well... you already know what I have to say about that... I love the rain." She murmurs. Jackie shakes her head, lips twisted teasingly.

"Nuh-uh, you should've seen us that day - trust me, it was fucking gnarly, like - it got ugly, fast." She tells her, with an infectious smile that Shauna mirrors the second she sees it. As they stand there for a moment in silence, Jackie catches Jeff's car pulling in. She immediately drops Shauna's hands, eyes going wide as she tries to hide herself behind Shauna's figure.

"Jax, what's - "

"God, it's... fucking Jeff, fuck." Jackie sighs. The tone of annoyance in Jackie's voice is way stronger than Shauna's ever heard from her regarding Jeff.

"Are you guys okay?" Shauna asks, even though her eyes have softened slightly in disappointment. When Jackie's own eyes meet with hers, Shauna is even more concerned by the emotion she finds there. "Jackie..?"

"It's really bad this time, like - colossal, unfixable levels of bad." Jackie says under her breath. Shauna burns with guilt when she actually feels a sense of relief in the sentence, because she's seriously never fucking liked Jeff Sadecki, at all.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" She asks cautiously. Because although she usually hates when Jackie mentions Jeff, she's certainly up for shit-talking and slandering his name.

"No." Jackie says sourly, with a shake of her head. Her jaw tightens and clenches under her skin, an action that lures Shauna's eyes to the spot hungrily. "Not here. Not right now." Shauna looks back at her and can tell that something is indeed very different, and very wrong this time. But she just nods understandingly, and reaches out to touch her shoulder sympathetically. Jackie's eyes dart over the point of contact, her mouth opens like she's about to say something, but she doesn't. Jeff's car revs into place, making Shauna glance over. God, what a dickwad. She tightens her grip on Jackie, who looks petrified by the sight of him.

"Come on, let's just head to class."

Jackie finally feels like she has a piece of herself back. Sure, Nat has been great - so have Gen and Melissa - but Shauna... Shauna is irreplaceable. There is no justified swap, nobody and nothing could ever match. Nothing replaces her best friend. But even though things are better than they were - compared to when Shauna first came back from camp - there's still something off about her. At least Jackie knows why now. And Shauna doesn't bring them up, Lucy and the hockey girls. Still appearing very eager to move away from the topic, trying her best to assimilate as if nothing ever happened. Like she didn't just return to school after being in the centre of chaos, leaving for the rest of the week, and changing the trajectory of Jackie's brain chemistry completely. But, sure, yeah. Everything is normal. Everything is normal, and very cool.

Also, it's nice to have having Shauna back so she can eat all the olives she discards at lunch. Jackie always makes a small pile on the side and doesn't even need to ask, Shauna just reaches for them and shovels them into her mouth.

"I'll never understand why your mom keeps doing this to you." Shauna grumbles, mouthful of olives. Jackie winces slightly.

"Chew first, speak later, Shipman." She orders affectionately, and Shauna just rolls her eyes. "And I don't know. I think she's hoping I'll just get used to it if she keeps hiding them to my food." Jackie cringes, watching as Shauna finishes the pile, always shocked by Shauna's consistent eagerness to consume the tiny offerings.

"Works for me. I don't mind taking one for the team." She murmurs, still not adhering to Jackie's 'chew first, speak later' remark. Jackie still softly grins though, these little swaps always make her smile. Jackie hates something, but Shauna loves it, so they compromise - and vice versa. It always warms her, sharing like this. She isn't sure she's capable of doing it with anyone else. Things really do feel almost normal again. Blissful, despite how visually hectic and horrific smelling the canteen is. But it's blissful for the two of them, back in their own little world once again.

Up to a point.

Jackie's been catching a few scrutinising looks here and there, accompanied by some hushed voices, roughly aimed in her general direction. But only now, in the inescapable chaos of the canteen, does she start noticing them more and more. She even looks someone dead in the eye, as they have their hand cupped over a friends' ear, and the two quickly shift away, laughing. Jackie glares into their backs, eyes darting around, noticing similar reactions amongst a handful of other students. She scans the room suspiciously, anxiously picking at her food with a fork. She tries to chew slowly, trying to listen to the whispers and giggles in the sea of voices. She has no luck for some time, until a group passes by their table and she hears only a few words, spoken softly and with a smirk. She just about manages to make out a string of words, something along the lines of...

'... telling everyone that Jackie, finally... with Jeff, and then... like a baby all night...'

Jackie's fork fidgeting comes to a grinding halt, tangling in a mess of food. Her eyes go glassy over the table, staring into her lunch, piecing the gossiped words together and filling in the small gaps.

... telling everyone that Jackie, finally [had sex] with Jeff, and then [she cried] like a baby all night...

She sits there, mortified. Embarrassment hitting her like a tidal wave, and fittingly - her eyes start stinging, an ache rupturing in her chest. There's only three people she's certain would know about what happened. Obviously her and Jeff, and then Nat. But... Nat's no snitch... Right? So, would... would Jeff actually -

"Hey... you okay, Jax?" Shauna murmurs, with gentle fingers ghosting Jackie's wrist. Jackie shivers out of her own thoughts, instinctively moving her wrist closer to Shauna so they can connect.

"Uh - " When Jackie looks at Shauna she sees a soft, pink hue that has formed under her eyes, which are also wide with concern... did Shauna overhear them too? She watches Shauna's throat swell as she swallows, rubbing the spot on Jackie's wrist soothingly. "Did you, um... So... I'm guessing you heard that too, right?" She whispers. She sees something flicker in Shauna's eyes - and a small, almost unnoticeable tick in her mouth too - as if she's debating whether or not to lie to her. Shauna, with uncertainty plaguing her expression, decides on a little nod. Yes, she did hear. Jackie puts her fork down and sighs heavily. She makes exasperated groan as she cradles her face in her hands.

"For fucks sake... this is seriously not how I wanted to tell you, Shauna." Jackie's face burns with warmth because, Jesus Christ - how many fucking people know about this? Shame stews away in her chest, and yet... is this not what she wanted not long ago? She had wanted people to see, for people to know that she's capable of... showing love to Jeff, like that? And yet... "Well, this is fucking humiliating." Jackie feels like she's becoming overwhelmed with the amount of eyes and voices in the canteen, keeping her face shielded.

"Is it, um..." Shauna clears her throat, speaking quietly and carefully. "Is it true? Jax?" She's glad Jackie isn't ready to meet her eyes, because Shauna knows she must look pathetic. Disappointed. Maybe even jealous. She tries not to look at Jackie either, for fear of her seeing right through her.

"Can we please talk about this somewhere else that isn't here?" Jackie grumbles through wired jaws. "Like, after school maybe?

"Uh... yeah, sure. That's... yeah." She murmurs. Jackie just nods, eyes focused away from her, melting in her seat.

Shauna can't remember the last time Jackie's blushed like this.

That's a lie.

She remembers it very well actually. Extremely vividly, even.

The week before Christmas Break.

Sitting in her car by a field in the middle of the night, watching the birds fly overhead, listening to their songs - when Shauna had instinctively reached over and grabbed Jackie's thigh in excitement - how Jackie never pulled away, how she she stared at her, almost like she was in a trance - and how Jackie had blushed so hard that Shauna could see it, even in the darkness. She remembers that feeling of false hope, rattling Shauna to her core even now.

So, yeah, Shauna remembers it clear as fucking day.

After the school day comes to an end, Jackie leads them to the back alley by the parking lot - Nat's usual morning hang out spot - somewhere Shauna didn't even realise Jackie knew about. Jackie glances around on her tiptoes, making sure the alley is empty. Shauna stands awkwardly, clutching her books to her chest as Jackie paces up and down, before finally coming to a halt in front of her. Jackie does not look well. Red, stinging eyes, uncharacteristically pale face, nerves on display. In fact, she's not looked very well since the start of the day. Hair unkempt, face make-up less, looking extremely poorly rested. She folds her arms over her chest, as a long exhale drags out from her nose.

"So... I'm sure you want answers... and..." Actually, even Shauna isn't sure if she wants answers, in all honesty. Jackie can already feel the whirlpool of dread sloshing around inside of her as she opens her mouth to speak again, refusing to meet Shauna's eyes. "So, yeah... yeah, we - Jeff and I had sex." Shauna's stomach sinks, eyelids flittering the second she hears it, a piece of her breaking off into oblivion. "And it was so..." Jackie sighs, closing her eyes for a moment of peace. Shauna watches in concern. This is so not how she ever expected this conversation to go down. Time and time again, she's imagined it. How Jackie would run into her arms, beaming with a wide, lovesick smile - agonising oozing with every little detail - fawning all over Jeff and planning the next steps of their lives together. But this isn't like that. Not in the slightest. Jackie looks... shattered. Her lower jaw turns as she forces the words out of her.

"It was a fucking nightmare, Shauna." Jackie rubs her thumbs into her crossed arms, chewing the inside of her mouth as she thinks about it - reliving that night against her will. "I hated it, like - it was so fucking awful, but I thought... I thought it was going make us, like - good again, y'know, normal." Jackie takes a hard sit down on the nearby steps, littered with cigarette butts. Her eyes water as she shakes her head, looking down into the pavement. She fidgets with her hands, picking at her nails. Her lips shakes when she speaks again. "And, I don't know if you heard it earlier, in the canteen, but... yeah... yeah, I - I fucking cried all night, like a fucking loser - " Her hands come up to hide her face the moment her voice starts to break.

"Jackie - "

" - God, how the fuck do people know that part?" Jackie whines, her face now fully flushed red with indignity in her hands. Shauna instantly drops to her knees in front of Jackie, setting down her belongings to wrap her into a hug. Jackie leans into it, removing her hands from her face as they find their way onto Shauna. When her knees grate into Shauna's chest and stomach, she parts her legs instinctively, luring Shauna between her thighs. Shauna's glad she's got her face over Jackie's shoulder, otherwise she'd see just how wide her eyes become at the gesture. Jackie hides her face in Shauna's neck.

How many people know? How do they know about the crying? And what else are they aware of? Jackie cringes thinking about it - especially how she asked Jeff to switch positions so she wouldn't have to look at him... Holy shit, do people know that, too? Jackie hates the name of that position, it makes her physically ill to think about it. She lets out another pained whimper against Shauna's skin, tugging her closer as the embarrassment deepens. The little noise echoes in Shauna's ear, enchantingly travelling across her body. But then something cuts the enchanted feeling short - and fast.

"Jackie, I - "

The voice trails off at the sight of them in the alley.

Jeff fucking Sadecki stops in his tracks as the two of them slowly break out of the intimidate embrace.

"Oh, sorry - I didn't realise you were here too, Shauna." He stammers. Cool, and Shauna truly does not give a fuck. Jeff looks at Jackie, his face spreading with concern. "Are you - are you alright? I've been trying to talk to you for days, Jax, can we please just - "

"Why did you tell everyone we had sex?" Jackie cuts past him. His eyes go wide in surprise. Shauna isn't sure why Jeff glances at her, as if she would have any inclination to side with him or provide any sort of relief - which she obviously does not. Quite the opposite actually.

"I didn't - tell everyone - "

"Then who, Jeff?"

"Just Randy!"

"Just Randy?!" Jackie and Shauna shoot at the exact same time, with identical intonation. Jackie glares at him, pulling herself to her feet. Even Shauna has to sit back and put her head in her hands, all the while Jeff frantically glances between the two of them.

"Randy can't keep a secret to save his fucking life, Jeff - and you know that better than anybody - why the fuck would you tell him without asking me first?" Jackie steps towards him, trying to search his face for some some of expression of remorse. But she doesn't find it there. He reeks of defensiveness, zero self-reflection present in the slightest.

"I don't know if you've noticed but I've been trying to talk to you for days! And you keep running off with Gen, or Melissa, or fucking Nasty Natalie Scatorccio - "

"Don't you fucking dare call her that!" Jackie shouts suddenly. Both Jeff and Shauna are taken aback by the outburst, knowing good and well that Jackie has called Nat that exact name in the past too. Jackie glowers at him, still deeply embarrassed, but certainly a lot angrier now instead. Shauna's still processing the fact that Jackie's somehow been interacting with Gen, Melissa and Nat during her time off... definitely pairings that Shauna would not have expected.

"Why did you tell him that I cried, Jeff?" Jackie asks, her voice breaking. It fucking burns to say out loud. Riddled with humiliation now, horrified at the thought of people branding her with the image. This seems to be the only thing so far that truly makes Jeff express regret, eyes shutting as he sighs heavy. "Why would you fucking tell anybody that?"

"Jackie, I'm sorry I - "

"What else did you tell him?" Jackie presses, closing in on him now. Jeff puts his hands on his hips, refusing to meet her eyes as his face morphs into guilt.

"Look, I just... I may have told him about when you... y'know... how you... wanted to do it, like..." He rubs the back of his neck hard, wincing slightly.

"Like what?!"

"I don't know - it's called doggy, Jackie, it's just terminology, I don't - "

"Oh my fucking god, you did NOT - " Jackie's voice raises several octaves in sheer horror, making even Shauna jump behind them. God, she hates the name of that position with a passion, and Jeff knows it. He opens his mouth to speak but Jackie doesn't let him. "Why, Jeff?! Why would you fucking use that word? Why would you say that?! The whole school is talking about it now - what the fuck is wrong with you?" Jackie's almost at shrieking level now. And Shauna is in total disbelief. She's never liked Jeff. But she never thought he'd be stupid enough to tell anyone, let alone Randy fucking Walsh, about Jackie's first time in such invasive detail. She sits on the steps in shock, hands getting clammy, her head spinning as she fully comes to realise just what the fuck Jeff has done. She's also very, very guilty blushing when her mind accidentally pictures Jackie in that position.

"Look, I'm really fucking sorry, can we please just - "

"No!" Jackie exclaims bluntly, shaking her head. "No, this is it - this is fucking it, Jeff... I'm done. Like I am completely, seriously, entirely fucking done!" There's a moment of silence in the alleyway as Jeff stares blankly at her. Shauna's face raises slightly from her hands, honestly kind of in disbelief too. Sure, this situation is fucking horrendous and she hates Jeff more than she ever has, but she's seen them break up more times than she can count. But she's never heard Jackie sound this deadly serious about it before.

"Jackie - "

"Do not fucking argue with me right now, Jeff!" Jackie bellows, with an accusatory, threatening finger pointed at him. She then presses it into her palms, listing her reasons as she speaks. "Don't try calling me, don't come by my house - and don't you even so much as look at me - let alone fucking talk to me, ever again - do you understand?" Jackie's trembling even as she tears him to shreds. For the first time since Jeff's appeared in the alleyway, Jackie turns away from him, marching right back to Shauna - who sits upright expectantly.

"Look, I fucked up, alright? I see that now, but we - we can fix this, Jax - " Jeff tries chasing after her, but Shauna can tell by Jackie's furious, mortified expression just how serious she is this time.

"Yeah - you fucked up, Jeff - so you fucking fix it!" Jackie hastily grabs her backpack and reels it over her. She's so fucking angry she can't be around him for even another fucking second. Thoughts flooding her head, thinking about how quickly gossip spreads - how soon people will know, how people must already fucking know every intimidate detail about her abysmal loss of virginity. "Shauna - up, now - " Jackie demands. Shauna scrambles up to her feet, books almost tumbling out of her grasp.

"Four years, we've been together, Jax, and - "

"Exactly, Jeff, four fucking years! You knew how important losing my virginity was, and you - " She cuts passed him again, begging herself not to cry, not in front of him anymore at least. "...and you went ahead and gossiped about it to Randy fucking Walsh, which is the equivalent of telling the entire school, you - you fucking humiliated me! And I - I can't just stand around and - and - you can't just - you don't get to - " Jackie paws at her chest, eyes growing frantic. Her breaths have quickened without her realising, eyes darting everywhere and anywhere, sinking into an uncomfortable, dreadful feeling - growing cold and sweaty and sick.

Shauna knows this look... she knows it extremely well. Jackie's having a fucking panic attack. Shauna's face falls, and she takes Jackie's hand without another moment to spare.

"Move, Jeffrey." She taunts, making sure to nudge past him hard as she leads Jackie away.

"Oh, come on - "

"Don't fucking talk to her, dipshit!" God, Shauna has been waiting so long to say that to him. She whisks Jackie out the alley, avoiding any and all eyes that settle on them, unlocking her car and thrusting the door open. Jackie practically falls into the passengers seat, pressing her forehead into the dashboard as she sits forward, cradling herself, breathing hard and fast. Shauna jumps in the drivers seat right after her, and within moments, they're peeling out into the main road and racing to the first place that comes to her mind.

Shauna and Jackie haven't been back out here since that night. The one before Christmas Break, with the birdsong in the sky. Nothing but dirt road and open fields, trees standing tall, strong and beautiful. It takes some time for Jackie's breathing to return to normal, but she feels soothed in Shauna's arms. Even with the way they're both jammed up uncomfortably against the centre console trying to hold each other. They stay like that until Jackie finally feels stable enough to break away, wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks. They sit in silence, both facing the windshield, staring into the breezy, flowering field. Shauna very briefly glances into the rearview mirror, examining Jackie's face in a quick flicker.

"Y'know..." Shauna starts softly, a tiny, faint smile slithering onto her lips. "I've wanted to call him a dipshit for so fucking long - "

"Shauna, be serious - " Jackie whines, even as she laughs through it.

"I am! I'm so serious! There's so many things I've been wanting to call him, actually - "

"Shauna, stop..!" Jackie still smiles through the protest, shoving her side playfully. Shauna grins, pleased with herself. They sit in another moment of silence, watching as the afternoon sun breathes life into the floral clusters ahead. Jackie sighs, rolling her head up against the seat, eyes shut. "Do you think people are gonna think I'm, like... I don't know a - a weird - sex freak, or something?" She asks through wincing. Shauna reels back.

"Why? Because you had sex literally one time with your boyfriend of four years?"

"No, it's not that - it's because... of the crying and... and what I asked him to do, y'know - it's..." Jackie stammers, rubbing her temples as she tries to focus on coming up with a cohesive sentence. Shauna ponders for a moment.

"You mean... when you wanted to do like, dog- "

"Don't!" Jackie warns sharply, putting her hands over her ears. "Do not say that word, Shipman! I swear to god, I will be out of this car so fucking fast - "

"Okay, Jesus, I'm not gonna say it!" Shauna yelps, forcing herself not to laugh at how deeply red Jackie has become at the mere possibility of naming a sex position. "I was... it's just a terminology thing, it's not - "

"I don't care what it is - I don't give a shit what it is, Shauna!" Jackie says quickly, only getting redder and redder. Jackie fights the tiny hint of a smile that flickers onto her lips as she breathes out, and Shauna hides a smirk in the palm of her hand. "Fucking - whatever - you know what I'm talking about though... it looks weird... asking him to do that, and then I fucking cried all goddamn night... it makes me sound like an insane person." Jackie folds her arms over her chest, only opening her eyes to look out the window again, still not meeting Shauna's gaze.

"I don't think so." Shauna shrugs, leaning back in her seat. She hears Jackie sigh and catches her shaking her head. Shauna swallows her nerves and stammers, "I can honestly say I'd probably do the exact same thing." There's a small pause between them, before Jackie finally turns to look at her. Shauna meets her gaze cautiously.

"Really?" Jackie frowns, disbelievingly.

"Well, yeah, I mean... If I ever have sex with a guy, I wouldn't wanna face him either, and I bet I'd cry after it too..." Shauna murmurs, cringing passively in thought... and then her eyes light up with a sense of urgency. "Not - not always though - not every guy, I mean, like - like, only for the first time - "

"Right!"

" - I probably wouldn't feel like that every time with a guy - I mean that's, like - because - "

"Totally!"

"Yeah, totally!"

The car swerves into a pitfall of silence.

Eyes wide and looking anywhere but at each other. Cheeks bruised, all pink and warm, nodding aimlessly, all slow and automated. Shauna feels a bead sweat roll down the back of her neck, and it's so quiet between them that she wonders if Jackie can actually hear it.

"I, uh..." Jackie starts, but Shauna cuts past her.

"We should get going, I know you have curfew." She says briskly, putting her seatbelt back on and getting ready for the drive home.

"Yeah, good idea." Jackie mirrors her actions, getting situated from the passenger side. As the engine revs up again, and Shauna gets her hands on the wheel, she pauses - wanting to further clarify her stance.

"Look, I know this week has been kinda... weird for me, but... I will always be on your side. You're my best fucking friend, Jackie, and I love you. Please don't ever forget that." She tells her wholeheartedly. Shauna watches the way Jackie's smiles... that heart-stopping, knee-trembling smile that makes her get all twisted and heated inside.

"I won't, and the same goes for you. Love you too, Shipman." Jackie murmurs, her amber eyes glinting warmly in the Spring sun. Shauna twists her lips to avoid the eager smile that comes her way, and she turns to road, hoping to suppress it.

From the side - Jackie watches as Shauna gets going. Molasses eyes focused as the dirt turns to tarmac, her gentle hands on the wheel. The way her ponytail drapes down her neck, sticking to the sweat on her skin. The open section at the top of her flannel shirt and the necklace that rests over her bare clavicle. And that stupidly gorgeous, dopey, handsome smile.

And then, that spot. That stupid, dumb spot on her stupid, dumb thighs. Jackie had been so focused on her own thighs the other day that she hadn't even had a chance to think about hers. Shauna's. She hears her heart as it careens in her chest, louder and louder. Her nerves on fire, egging her on, whispering to her, hypnotising her.

Taunting her, tempting her... until she bites the bullet... and her body follows suit.

Jackie reaches over the centre console,

and suddenly her hand sits atop Shauna's inner thigh.

Shauna becomes still.

Neither of them speaks.

Eyes straight ahead - watching the world as it rushes by the windows.

Jackie curiously presses her fingers into Shauna's soft, supple flesh, prompting a tiny, sharp inhale from the drivers seat.

Shauna is beet red, eyes nearly watering.

"It's green." Jackie says.

What - who - where's green? Why green? Green how?

Shauna blinks, eyes fluttering out of the haze for a brief moment. The traffic light - the light is green.

"Right." Shauna whispers, strained. She steps on the gas, and Jackie feels the muscles in Shauna's thigh flex into the palm of her hand. She squeezes the muscle firmly, rubbing deep, slow strokes with her thumb. Shauna breathes long and hard, shellshocked eyes locked forward. Jackie keeps her hand there the whole ride, only removing it to unbuckle herself and hug Shauna goodbye. Then she's just gone.

And Shauna drives home.

A ringing in her ear, and a twitch in her thigh.

Chapter Text

Jackie used to think drag shows were about stupid men exploding in their cars. Kind of. She visited a racecourse once in her life, and she only remembers the unpleasantries.

Suffering through nauseating concoctions of body odour and burning rubber, cheap beer and sticky seats, American eagles and machismo.

Thankfully, that isn't quite the case tonight.

Tonight, Jackie inspects her own reflection like she's looking at a stranger. Running her hands curiously down the front of her blazer, straightening out the fabric and giving it a small tug to make sure it fits.

She used to play dress up all the time when she was little, but this feels different. Even back then Jackie would always naturally flock to figure-hugging dresses and ankle-snapping heels - watching the silky fabrics float midair as she spins in the mirror, strutting across her bedroom floor like a runway. 

It was all so dreamy back then - and it still can be sometimes. Even now, she often craves that feeling of radiance and grace. Divine femininity in its purest form, capturing wandering eyes, hogtying helpless hearts, a magnetic orbit consuming whoever dares look her way.

So although tonight may be unfamiliar territory for her... she has to admit - the place outside her comfort zone is surprisingly super fucking comfortable.

Jackie Taylor - in a smart casual blazer-trouser combo, ribbed tank top, belt, sneakers and her signature golden heart necklace.

"Is this..." Jackie turns away from the mirror to face Gen and Melissa, who sit in silence on the edge of their bed, observing her patiently. "Be honest, do I look fucking stupid?" She asks, with a pinch of despair. Melissa sighs and tilts her head to the side.

"First of all, I resent you asking if you look stupid when you're borrowing my clothes - "

"I didn't mean - "

"Second of all - you look fine, Jackie. Trust me, it's just a little house party with a little drag show... that's all. They won't notice us for shit." Melissa gestures between the three of them - all donning similar blazer-trouser combos - plus the cowboy hats Gen and Melissa have on.

"And I know we said this earlier, but... you really don't have to come with us if you're not up for it, okay?" Gen reminds her sympathetically, but Jackie knows that already, and she's sure.

"I do want to come with you guys. I'm just, y'know... I'm adjusting a little. I've never... seen myself look like this." She murmurs pensively. Gen nods, understanding, but the touching moment is cut short by Melissa reaching for a third cowboy hat, grunting as she does so. She tosses the accessory up at an unsuspecting Jackie, who ends up catching it with her face, flinching as it smacks her in the nose.

"Ow, what the fuck, Mel - "

"Look, if you're gonna join - you've gotta commit to the bit, partner." Melissa instructs playfully, relaxing back onto the edge of the bed.

"Can you at least give me a heads up next time? Partner?!" Jackie whines, sarcastically pushing out the last word. She sighs in defeat before submitting to the request, dusting the cowboy hat off and adjusting it snuggly atop her head.

"See?" Melissa grins, pulling Gen up with her as she rises from the bed. They twist Jackie back around to face the mirror, standing side by side in the framed reflection. Melissa slides pinched fingers along the brim of her cowboy hat before winking at them. "Just a couple o' regular fellers hitting the town." She teases in low, vaguely Southern accent. Jackie lets out a small snort of laughter with Gen, still staring at their outfits in disbelief.

All three of them with their hair tied up - all in blazers, trousers, belts, sneakers - fucking cowboy hats. Jackie with a tank top, Gen with a dress shirt. Melissa with a loose tie around her neck and absolutely nothing else underneath, except for little pieces of tape, which Jackie learns is a type of chest binding. And whilst Jackie's being awfully adventurous tonight, she's not quite up for that adventure just yet. So the tank top will do her just fine.

"We ready for the road?" Melissa whisks her car keys up from the dresser, clicking the carabiner into Gen's belt loop. Jackie nods hesitantly, still scrutinising her reflection. It still feels a little weird not entirely recognising the figure staring back at her.

That being said, she is relieved that there's zero opportunity for up-skirt shots, or almost any wardrobe mishaps for that matter. She's also relieved at how unrestricted and relaxed she feels.

She wonders how Shauna would feel about all this.

And the moment her name pops into Jackie's head, she thinks of being in that car again. Touching Shauna's inner thigh... the way she looked, the way she sounded. She imagines caressing that same spot on Shauna, dressed the way that she is now, and Jackie's cheeks immediately flush... maybe she actually enjoys this look a lot more than she realises.

Gen grins and places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"You'll be fine, Jackie. We're just gonna watch the performers and have some drinks, that's all there is to it." She reassures sweetly, rubbing the spot on her shoulder. Jackie smiles, an ounce more confident.

"Okay." She breathes, finally breaking away from the mirror. "Okay, fine - lets fucking do this thing." With her nerves on a high, she feels a twinge of electricity in the air - already sweating in her blazer.

Melissa nudges the door open and tips her hat to them.

"After you, gentlemen."

No amount of queer media exposure can prepare Jackie for what a real life drag event actually looks like. And as they walk through the house party, Jackie notices almost instantly that half of the attendees are at least college age, which has her asking questions.

"College gays are a necessity... especially the art school ones. I mean, how else are we gonna get this much booze?" Melissa explains once they pull up to the kitchen, gesturing to the plethora of alcoholic beverages crammed on the countertops.

"Holy shit." Jackie stares at it in shock, even though she's not much of a drinker herself.

"Yeah, it's... actually kinda fucked up." Melissa nods, grabbing a red solo cup and tossing it over to her. Jackie just about catches it, still ogling the counter, spoilt for choice and a little unnerved. Gen doesn't need to think that much though. She presses the tip of a beer bottle to the counter edge and with a singular, calculated smack of her palm - she effortlessly pops off the cap. She raises the bottle to her lips like it's nothing but water off a ducks back, making Melissa smirk affectionately. "That's my girl."

"Hey!" Jackie snaps, vodka in hand, "I thought we're supposed to be cowboys tonight, duh." She points up at her hat. Melissa's eyes light up in remembrance, clicking her fingers and pointing back at Jackie.

"That reminds me..." She fumbles around in her pockets as Jackie mixes herself a drink. When she looks back up and sees what Melissa has found, Jackie groans in annoyance.

"Please tell me you're joking." She whines, but it's too late. Melissa presses a fake moustache onto herself and looks up at Jackie expectantly with a stupid, shit-eating grin. "I am so not doing that."

"I never said you have to! I'm just... giving you the option." Melissa murmurs, shrugging. Gen presses hers on with pride, giggling as Melissa tucks a final stache into Jackie's blazer pocket.

Jackie, however, is still having some trouble getting used to her surroundings. All the extravagant outfits and accessories, otherworldly makeup looks and gravity defying hair. At least Melissa was right, and they definitely don't stand out - there's even a few people here with barely anything on at all.

Jackie can't quite keep up with it all, shifting awkwardly with warm cheeks, blushing timidly at the sights around her. She decides to take several big gulps in quick succession, wincing as the liquid burns all the way down.

"You've gotta be shitting me..! Yee-fucking-haw, losers! Holy hell..." A voice comes crashing into the kitchen, accompanied by several sets of feet. Jackie's heart shoots into her throat at the sight of Nat, Lottie and Laura fucking Lee.

Dread blooms inside her, mutating her every cell, glancing between them. Jackie hasn't been able to even look Laura Lee in the eye since the locker room 'incident'.

She can still picture the expression on her's face when she caught Jackie red-handed, mesmerised by her bare chest. Yet here is that sweet, pale face again. And those sharp blue eyes - already mercilessly clinging to Jackie's every move.

Thankfully, maybe even by the grace of god - Lottie cuts through their line of sight, gaping at Jackie in awe.

"Jackie?!" Lottie's expression morphs from pure shock, to a mixture of unsure excitement. "The fuck are you doing here?" She beams, marching up to Jackie with arms outstretched. Within seconds Jackie's scooped up in the taller girl's comforting embrace, sinking into long, inviting limbs. It's been awhile since she's hugged Lottie properly, especially with how tense fragmented have been between them in the team. But there's nothing a little alcohol and partial drag won't fix, apparently. And as Jackie squeezes Lottie back, she remembers just how much she's been missing all of them. 

"I, uh... I saw the event on the GSA leaflet and asked Mel about it, so - here I am, I guess." Jackie mumbles into her shoulder. Lottie pulls away from the hug, creating just enough space between them to make eye contact.

"Since when were you in the GSA?" She asks softly. Jackie's cheeks grow warm under her gaze, and in her grasp. It's weird talking to anyone this closely, especially when they're not Shauna.

"Since recently. Nat's been, um... Nat's been taking me." Jackie murmurs, somehow scared of her own words.

"Really?" Lottie asks, looking back at Nat all confused and inquisitive. Jackie actually thinks she hears a hint of admiration in her voice too.

"Yeah, I just... I figured she'd, y'know... mention it when she's ready, or something." Nat tells her truthfully. Jackie appreciates the sentiment, especially since she knows that Nat and Lottie have been inseparable all year, confiding in each other about absolutely everything. Once again, Nat proves she's no snitch, no matter the circumstance.

"Oh, yeah, totally... I get that." Lottie stammers. She takes a step back, examining Jackie's outfit up and down, only making her cheeks grow warmer. "I mean, Jackie, you look..." Lottie reaches for the blazer, gliding her fingers to pinch the lapels, lifting the fabric carefully as she inspects it.

"Is it... bad?" Jackie prods, with shifting eyes. Lottie quickly frowns, sharply taken aback by the remark.

"What?! No, bitch, you look fucking hot - what is wrong with you?" She breathes out with a laugh, with that same sweet, genuine smile that Jackie's been missing too. She's also possibly blushing a little harder now because Lottie's standing there all tall and gorgeous, in a skirt Jackie would kill for - and somehow, she's the one calling Jackie hot in her dumb blazer. No offence Mel.

"Never thought I'd catch you dead in a tux, Cap... Or should I say... Sheriff?" Nat teases, observing Jackie with mischievous eyes as she places a cup to her lips. There's a few giggles amongst them, which just makes Jackie roll her eyes.

"Fuck you. And it's a blazer, not a tux, dumbass. There's a difference." Jackie grumbles, arms folded.

"You go to one drag event and suddenly you're an expert? How typically obnoxious of you." Nat gets a slight reaction from her on that one, but before Jackie can form a response, she cuts past her. "I'm just fucking with you... and... Lot's right, you look... sort of nice, or whatever." A compliment from Natalie Scatorrcio? Jackie wishes someone had been taping the moment, she'd leave it playing on a projector loop in the locker room if she could. Nat pats her shoulder, giving it a little shake. "Maybe prom queen isn't the role you should be striving for, Captain." Nat grins jokingly, which Jackie mimics, shoving Nat's hand off of her.

"Captain? What happened to Sheriff?"

"Of course, how could I forget? Sheriff Jackie Taylor, gunslinger." Nat flicks the front of Jackie's cowboy hat, making her flinch. Lottie rolls her eyes and grabs Jackie by her wrist, pulling her back towards the island of beverages.

"Alright, alright - enough fawning over our new recruit, guys, we've gotta get our drink on. It's gonna be showtime any second now." She stops and taps her cup to Jackie's, looking at her expectantly. "Well? Bottoms up, Jax." She smirks. Jackie grimaces as she downs the remainder of her drink, so much for pacing herself. Jackie definitely has plenty of reservations about drinking on a Sunday evening, but she can't exactly complain either.

And just like clockwork - by the time they've finished pouring another round, a voice bellows out from the hallway, announcing a performance in five minutes. The group excitedly gathers together on the sofas in the main room, everyone with giddy smiles and spirited giggles, whereas Jackie still feels... somewhat out of place. With Lottie, Nat, Mel and Gen on one sofa - Jackie is left sitting elbow to elbow with Laura Lee of all people in a loveseat. The room is filled to the brim - sofas, chairs, people standing and sitting - and an elevated stage section at the centre of attention.

She wonders how often they've done this together and just how much Jackie's been missing from their lives. She thought she knew her team - her friends - better than this. She thought she was vigilant, but it turns out she's been anything but that. Even tonight, the only thing familiar about the party is the fact that they're drinking, smoking and laughing. But everything else feels like being on another planet.

Jackie isn't able to pick her jaw up off the floor when the performances start. At first she's in total shock, maybe even some terror. Gawking at the complex dance moves executed in skinny stilettos, and the skull-splitting death drops which land so violently that Jackie feels the vibrations in her sneakers. But soon, the initial shock begins to evolve - and after a song or two, the feeling transforms into a childlike excitement for the gripping performances, each move as deadly and captivating as the next - and then she's gasping at every turn - screeching at every drop - laughing until her stomach aches and her eyes sting with tears.

Jackie's smile is magnetic. It always has been, that's why she's team Captain. Sure, the performances are incredible as always, but Nat can't stop keeping tabs on Jackie's shifting expressions - watching them play out in total bemusement... is this really the same Jackie Taylor she's been playing soccer with all these years? The one on the edge of the sofa right now, eagerly applauding and scream-laughing as a drag queen with water-guns for tits hits the splits in front of her? Nat blinks, watching Jackie throw her head back as she laughs... It's really her. Hunched over in a blazer, cowboy hat slanted over her eyes, red in the face and giggling... That's Jackie Taylor. How could she have ever gotten her so wrong?

She doesn't even realise that she's smiling at the sight of her, until she glances at Lottie - who she finds is watching Jackie too, and grinning ever wider than she is. Nat ribs her gently, prompting Lottie to turn - their eyes and smiles meeting in the dark, smoky room.

"I guess Mel was right. For fucking once." Nat smirks, struggling to speak over the music and crowd.

"You hear that? Better savour the moment." Lottie teases, shooting a sharp look at Melissa.

"Dude, fuck off, both of you." Melissa grumbles, eyes narrowing on them when they laugh at her. "I told you! She's just going through a lot of stuff... so I'm sure she'll be sympathetic to whatever the fuck you freaks have going on - "

"Hey!" They simultaneously snap in defence.

"What? At least me and Gen are aware we're girlfriends. Unlike some people." Melissa scoffs, putting an arm over a blushing Gen, who leans into the touch.

"Whatever. You two are fucking gross anyways." Nat snorts under her breath, taking another long sip from her cup.

"Oh please, they're cute. Don't be a sore loser." Lottie says, still all smiles. Nat chokes on her drink, pulling away quickly with fluttering eyes.

"I'm not a... fuck you." She grumbled unhappily, clearing her throat. Melissa and Gen twist closer to each other, murmuring something about how Nat is 'so fucking whipped' -

"And fuck you guys even more, actually - " Nat sneers back, setting her cup down hard, muscles tensing.

"Come on, don't be like that... Can't you just play nice tonight?" Lottie sighs wistfully, reaching a hand up to Nat's face. She cups her cheek in her palm, rubbing her thumb sweetly against her skin. "Or at least pretend to be? Just for me?" Lottie flashes her signature puppy dog rich girl eyes - as if Nat isn't already melting against her touch alone.

"I, uh - " Nat clears her throat, "Yeah, totally - of course."

Charlotte Matthews, the woman you are.

She seems pleased at the response, leaning in for a kiss that makes Melissa and Gen groan from the sidelines.

"Seriously? And she calls us gross? We would never do that PDA shit." Gen cringes, eyeing them up judgementally. Melissa shrugs and lets out a long sigh, leg bouncing anxiously. She waits a few moments before turning back to face Gen, mimicking Lottie's puppy eyes...

"You sure about that?"

...let the record show that Gen has never once claimed to have strong willpower.

Jackie's head feels fuzzy from all the flashing lights and smoke machines. Not to mention her stomach is killing her from laughing so hard and her throat is almost raw from all the chanting and singing. Her face actually fucking hurts from smiling so much. She imagines this is what Laura Lee feels like when she's surrounded by an echoing gospel in Church - all hazy and frazzled, beaming intensely, seeing white tunnelling lights - possibly even feeling born again.

Speaking of Laura Lee, she's sitting right next to her, equally breathless, smiling in a way Jackie rarely sees from her. A smile that isn't restricted, or hidden behind a veil. She's just happy - and because she's happy, she's smiling. It sounds so simple that way.

But when she looks past Laura Lee - she freezes.

She's been so focused on the performers that she hasn't realised everything happening on the other sofa.

Melissa and Gen. Their bodies intertwined, legs locking, hands all over each other, cowboy hats bumping and tilted back over their heads, fake moustaches askew, kissing feverishly...

And then...

Lottie and Nat. Equally coiled into one another, hands roaming freely and dangerously, writhing and touching, noses grinding, cheeks flushed, mouths and tongues reconnecting over and over...

...She thinks of her hand on Shauna's thigh again. How soft she felt against her, how deeply Shauna blushed, how her flannel stuck to her as she sweated, how her breath shook when Jackie massaged the spot - those tiny, urgent noises that kept Jackie up all night...

And most of all, she thinks of how Shauna hadn't even tried to stop her... how it seemed like, if Jackie had wanted to, she could've easily inched her hand further up her skin, maybe even towards -

...Fuck. Now Jackie's head is absolutely fucking reeling.

"Uh - Jackie?" Laura Lee murmurs, honing in Jackie's attention. Their eyes connect, both wide and wild with the same terror, just like in the locker room. Laura Lee swallows nervously before shakily raising her empty cup. "Could we maybe...?"

"Please." Jackie agrees quickly, grabbing her cup as well. Within a second they both stand and desperately weaving their way back through the crowded house and into the kitchen.

Jackie doesn't waste a moment, quickly pouring herself some of whatever's closest to her. She glances at Laura Lee, who seems to be looking at her expectantly, so she naturally extends the bottle, and Laura Lee nods. They mix their drinks and take long sips in silence - with Jackie actually downing the entirety her drink all at once.

"Holy shit - " She gasps, spluttering slightly as she pulls the cup away. Grimacing, she tosses the empty cup at the kitchen counter and puts her hands on her hips. When she looks up - Laura Lee is wincing, trying hard to mimic Jackie by downing her cup as well. "Laura Lee, you do not have to drink all that just - " but Laura Lee finishes her drink faster than Jackie finishes her sentence. And just like Jackie - she, too, throws her cup at the kitchen counter - coughing as the liquid scorches her throat. Jackie gapes at her, thoroughly impressed, and then -

"Fuck me, that's horrifying - " Laura Lee groans, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Jackie's lips twitch in amusement and her shoulders start to shudder - preemptively embracing the upcoming laughter stirring between them.

"Did you - did you just say 'fuck me'?" As Jackie's asking it, Laura Lee is already smiling guiltily, red in the face and nodding. "Laura Lee!" Jackie scolds in motherly tone, now breathless and raspy. It's the second time Jackie's ever heard her swear - and it's the final straw before she bursts out laughing, and Laura Lee quickly follows suit. God, it feels so wonderful to kick back and laugh with her friends again. They gasp for air, holding onto the kitchen counter for dear life as they try to regain their breath.

"You're full of surprises, you know that? I mean, what the fuck?" Jackie shakes her head with a small, residual giggle, reaching for the liquor again.

"Yeah, well... so are you, I think." Laura Lee tells her breathlessly. She sits their cups upright on the counter, leaning on the edge.

"Huh. Maybe." Jackie muses quietly, pouring equal amounts for the both of them. Laura Lee's already prepared with a mixer, topping off both their cups right after Jackie, who smirks at her. "By the way, since when do you drink? Or even swear?" She asks curiously, with a little mischief in her tone.

"Since recently." Laura Lee answers, handing Jackie her cup. "Lottie's been a good influence, so... maybe cheers to her, I guess?" They bump their cups together and Laura Lee drinks, but Jackie pauses.

"Uh - did you mean a bad influence?" She asks softly. Laura Lee pulls away from her drink, gulping it down. She keeps her eyes up as she contemplates her answer.

"Nope." She says plainly, with a firm shake of her head, lips briefly downturned in thought. "Definitely a good one. I mean... I probably wouldn't have had the courage to show up here tonight without Lottie, and... I'd probably still be too scared to curse, too scared to drink, too scared to be..." Her voice trails off faintly, caution flashing in her eyes as the sentences passes.

"Um, I mean - "

A group of strangers emerge from the hallway, stumbling over to the drinks counter, loud and rowdy. Jackie and Laura Lee exchange glances at each other, and then gesture to the door leading out to the garden.

The fresh air is such a relief - Jackie hadn't even realised just how steamy and smokey it was getting in there. It makes sense to see the garden empty considering how everybody's already toking up indoors and watching the show. Or, y'know... doing whatever Melissa, Gen, Lottie and Nat are doing. Jackie blushes thinking of the image again, blinking hard as if that will help her banish it.

She follows Laura Lee to the set of swings at the end of the garden, and they each take a seat, facing the swirling cesspit of a house party, pulsating and vibrating with life and laughter. Jackie can't help but smile up at it fondly. But Laura Lee - Laura Lee is looking at Jackie. Studying her, trying to place her, trying to understand... trying to be sure.

They swing gently and silently in the night air as the party rages on, muffled and distant, but very much still alive. Laura Lee takes a sip of her drink for liquid courage, swallowing hard as she stares at the house. And then her lower lip bravely trembles open.

"I think... you and I... I think we're kind of the same..." She says eventually. She hears a huff of laughter from her side.

"Really?" Jackie smirks with a clueless, breathy laugh, taking another sip. "How? In what way?" She asks, sounding like she isn't even paying that much attention. Not until she hears Laura Lee speak again... and this time she's much bolder than the last.

"I think... I think I know the real reason, why I'm here tonight... and I think maybe you do too..."

Jackie stops swinging.

Laura Lee doesn't dare look over to check on her. She just focuses on a blank space of wall between a set of windows, anchoring herself to the spot. Jackie's face and eyes glaze over too, staring forward numbly, stagnant and forlorn. When Laura Lee breathes out, it sounds strained, like she's physically squeezing the air out of her lungs with her bare hands. Jackie says nothing, listening as the words fight their way up and out of Laura Lee's throat.

"It happens to me, too... y'know... what happened in... in the locker room."

Jackie's body just about implodes in on itself, having to relive the horror of that moment. The terror between them. She cringes, shutting her eyes tightly as her whole body tenses in agony.

"Laura Lee, about that - I'm... I can explain..." She whispers, with an apology and a beg ready for her.

"Jackie, you don't have to explain because, it's... it's like I told you, we're... y'know... we're the same."

The same.

Jackie's lightheaded.

There's a ringing in her ears like a bomb just went off right next to her. Splintering her body into bloody morsels, scattering her pathetic remains throughout the quaint garden oasis.

She stares almost blindly ahead, cheeks and ears blazing, hot and red. Digging her nails into her palms, hard, attempting to distract from the emotional pain with something physical, something tangible - something that she doesn't have to say out loud to be real. She hears a small sound, barely a squeak, come from her side as Laura Lee once again battles her self-sabotaging vocal cords.

"I've known this about myself for a long time, and... and Lottie's been helping me be better about it."

Be better about it.

The ever-elusive it. Much like the ever-elusive her.

Jackie has never spoken their names, because she never lets herself wonder. Never too far, never too long, never too much. Too much wonder makes her head go dizzy. Too much wonder makes her chest start aching. Too much wonder makes her whole body seethe with loathing.

Yet here she is, sat on a swing... dizzy, and aching and loathing, more than ever - simultaneously growing closer and closer to the thought of it... maybe even to the idea of her.

"I'm not gonna bring it up again, I just... I wanted you to know that I'm not mad at you, and I'm not gonna tell anyone, because... because I understand..." Laura Lee whispers carefully, swallowing down any sobs that trying gnawing up at her.

Laura Lee's right. She doesn't have to bring it up again. She doesn't even have to say it.

Because it already lives inside of Jackie. It has a home there with a nice, warm bed to lay in. Because it already has a name, and Jackie has called for it a thousand times. The three-headed dog, the knife in her belly. The endless, faceless it.

Laura Lee doesn't have to say it, because Jackie wondered. 

Laura Lee doesn't have to say it, because Jackie already knows.

But Jackie is not nearly drunk enough to have this conversation.

"...another drink?" Jackie asks hollowly, when she no longer hears Laura Lee sniffling. She doesn't hear a reply, just the shuffling of fabric and tiny steps - and then Laura Lee reenters her vision, up from the swing and walking towards the house without another word, without even turning to her. Jackie stands, following her back inside in silence, until...

"There they are!"

Jackie and Laura Lee are instantly overstimulated the second they step back inside. Jolting in terror from abrupt mood change - and their red eyed, rosy cheeked friends cheering at their arrival. Lottie charges at them, grabbing Jackie by her blazer and Laura Lee by her cardigan. She reeks of deadly mixture of tequila, weed and Natalie.

"We're doing fucking shots, shitheads!" She yells, gleaming, before yanking the both of them towards the kitchen counter violently, prompting a shriek from Jackie and a yelp from Laura Lee. They bump up against the kitchen island and immediately have shot glasses slid over to them, which Lottie quickly tops up with the first spirit she gets her hands on.

"Guys, seriously... It's Monday tomorrow, we really shouldn't be - "

"Didn't you say you finished all your homework yesterday because you wanted to - how did you put it? 'Let loose a little'...?" Melissa calls her out slightly, coaxing a few low 'Ooooo's amongst the group. God, Jackie should've never told her that. Jackie looks to her side to find Laura Lee already with her shot glass in hand, smiling softly back at her and ready for action. Jackie sighs, long and hard, flinging her head back as she groans.

"Aww, come on, Sheriff!" Nat jeers playfully, grabbing Jackie by her shoulders and shaking her teasingly.

"God fucking damn it... fine." She whines, with her protests vanquished.

The kitchen erupts in cheers. Smirks all around, clinking glasses over the kitchen island.

They raise up their shots, and Lottie winks.

"Saddle up, boys."

What could go wrong?

...Everything.

Turns out everything can go wrong.

"I SAID FUCKING PULL OVER - PLEASE, FUCK -"

Tires screech over the tarmac.

Jackie kicks the car door open, blindly flailing out of the vehicle in a blurry mess of limbs. Another car soars past them, honking aggressively at their abrupt stop. Jackie crashes rib-first into the pavement, but barely has any time to react to the injury before she's keeled over, desperately spewing the contents of her guts out into a storm drain.

Another car door cranks open, and the one and only Shauna Shipman scrambles out of the drivers seat, wide-eyed and aghast.

"What the fuck, Jax?!" She calls out, shrill and afraid.

"Oh my god - please just fucking kill me - " Jackie wheezes in between the wretches. She hears Shauna's timid, hurried footsteps stop right behind her, kneeling, lacing her fingers through Jackie's hair, pulling the stray strands out of her face. "Thank you - ah - fuck my life, Shauna - " She moans pathetically, followed by another heave so violent that Jackie almost loses her balance. Shauna keeps one hand in Jackie's hair, and slides the other across Jackie's waist, holding her steady from behind. She'd definitely be blushing if the scene before her wasn't so entirely atrocious and vile.

"Jesus Christ, Jackie..." Shauna says slowly, feeling Jackie spluttering and shivering against her.

"I know - oh, holy fuck - trust me, I fucking know - " Jackie gasps desperately, before there's a horrible gagging sound in her throat that makes Shauna wince in disgust. And as she's throwing up again, Shauna feels Jackie's stomach lurch into her grasp, and it's fucking brutal.

"Oof." She thrums sympathetically, affectionately rubbing Jackie's tummy even as she grimaces. Behind them, occupants of a passing car peek their heads out the window - pointing at the back of Shauna's varsity jacket, cheering and honking.

"GO YELLOWJACKETS, BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ - "

Shauna doesn't even get a chance to look back at them, too focused on keeping Jackie stable when she almost falters forward again.

"Great - " Jackie whimpers sarcastically. She spits down the drain, coughing and rasping for air. "Yeah, go Yellowjackets, buzz buzz - Jesus, fuck - "

Shauna holds onto her, already anticipating what's about to come spilling out of her.

Neither of them can think of a more atrocious fucking way to kick off the week.

On occasion, however, Jackie is actually very thankful for her big, dumb brain. Because sometimes her big, dumb brain thinks of cool stuff - like keeping extra toiletries in her locker. Mouthwash, toothpaste and toothbrush, all feeling particularly handy right about now.

After her oral hygiene routine is complete Jackie works on the finishing touches. Shauna leans on the counter next to her, ogling her with folded arms as Jackie aggressively washes her face in the bathroom sink. Shauna sighs, lifting off the counter to preemptively bunch up some paper towels, ready for her. She's just in time, as always, handing them over so she can dry off.

"Thanks, Ship." Jackie says faintly, blotting her face dry. Shauna leans back on the counter, still eyeing her up and shaking her head.

"You look fucked, like roadkill." She states, blunt as ever. There's a Jackie-smirk behind the paper towels, unavoidably infectious, finding its way onto Shauna's lips as well. Jackie frees her face from the paper towels and nods once at her.

"You know what I like about you?" She asks, her voice all low and scratchy. Shauna folds her arms again, sliding her jaw a little.

"What?" She bites. Jackie reaches right across Shauna, bringing their faces ever so slightly closer together, as she throws the paper towels into the bin. Shauna swallows, eyes fluttering.

"How you're always complimenting me... y'know - uplifting me and empowering me, making me feel so good about myself..." Jackie trails off, teasing sarcastically as she retreats from the position. A small breath of laughter leaves Shauna's lips.

"Well, I'm sorry for being honest. But you look like actual death, Jax." She shrugs. The main door to the bathroom flings open, and more feet clammer in.

"Holy shit - dude, you look fucked..." Van winces at the sight of her.

"Yeah, that's what I said. And she still hasn't told me what happened last night." Shauna grumbles, unamused.

"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, guys. Good morning to you, too." Jackie grunts, arms folded over her very unstable stomach. Tai makes a face at Jackie, gesturing at the sickly expression.

"Wait, Jackie? Were you there with, like - Nat and Lottie and everybody - last night?"

"Yeah, and I was the only one who fucking said we shouldn't do shots, but did anyone listen? No, because apparently I'm such a - "

"You were at the event..? The party at Quinn's place..?" Van asks, brows wrinkling as she stares at her all perplexed. Tai eyes her up with equal amounts of suspicion.

Ah... so Jackie's might've just accidentally admitted she was at a GSA college drag show slash house party last night.

"Uh - " She clears her throat. "I mean, yeah - I asked Mel and Gen about it and they invited me so, I just... showed up, y'know?" Jackie shrugs. It sounded way more confident in her head. She wonders if they're going to ask her to specify more - but instead she just finds them nodding slowly, processing.

"Oh... sweet." Van says eventually.

"Yeah." Tai agrees, nudging the tap on. "I didn't, uh... I didn't know you even went to those." She curiously glances at Jackie through the mirror as she washes her hands.

"Yeah, we haven't been to one in ages." Van murmurs, Tai hums in agreement. Shauna's eyes shift between everyone, brow creases gently in confusion. Before she gets a chance to ask any questions, she feels something against her. A warm hand, sliding across the small dip of her lower back, a warm hand that belongs to Jackie. Suddenly she feels little pockets of heat in her face, completely unable to compose a single question.

"We should probably get going, right? I mean - I've already made us late for first period." Jackie tries to smile, desperately unprepared to divulge every detail of the night before.

"Uh, yeah - sure." Shauna just about stammers. She stares into Jackie's eyes, searching for something - anything. But Jackie just smiles faintly, and rubs her thumb into a sweet spot in Shauna's lower back. The same fucking thumb that dug into Shauna's inner thigh, teasing her nerves online, flooding her mind with heated, borderline obsessive, thoughts that plagued her all weekend.

"Catch you guys later?" Jackie prompts, as if she isn't actively doing what she's doing to her. They say their goodbyes - which Shauna barely registers. How could she? After feeling her touch her like that again?

She wonders how many more spots Jackie's going to give this treatment to before Shauna primal instincts kick in and she acts on impulse... she doesn't even know what that means yet, but with the excitement of it all aside, the mere thought of this continuing fucking infuriates her. How is it possible that a singular touch completely erased everything she had to say? Because she still has plenty of valid fucking questions. Now Shauna sits silently besides her in class, brooding and frustrated.

Whose party was it last night?

Why didn't Jackie invite her?

Why did they seem surprised that she'd be in attendance?

And why is Jackie passing a note to Laura fucking Lee right now?

Shauna can't help her eyebrows as they raise slightly, eyes keenly watching the folded sliver of paper as it lands. She watches Laura Lee unfold it, cradling the little thing cautiously in her hand, away from prying eyes. She watches as Laura Lee frowns slightly, how her head tilts as she reads.

It surprises Shauna to find out that Laura Lee looks unwell, too... even more ghostly pale than usual. Dark circles under her eyes, skin slightly glistening, looking... hungover? Just like Jackie?

Seriously?!

What kind of house party does Laura Lee get invited to but Shauna Shipman doesn't?

She feels jealousy incubating in her chest, growing stronger and stronger as she watches Laura Lee hand the note back to Jackie - who reads it quickly, almost impatiently, before she's frantically writing a response. Shauna chews the inside of her cheek, glaring forward, letting the interactions pass in her peripheral. She tries to stop feeling so sour. But it's hard when tiny pink clouds form over Laura Lee's cheekbones as she writes Jackie back - cautiously glancing up at the teacher and all around her, cupping her hand around her pen as she scribbles.

Shauna can't help how her eyes dart to the side when Jackie gets the note back again. She tries catching Jackie's eye as she reads Laura Lee's response, but in seems like she's in a trance, rereading the words over and over again. Shauna watches as Jackie's face and ears start to flush a reddish hue - one that Shauna has seen on Jackie only a handful of times. She feels the jealously in full swing now, pitifully looking past Jackie and at Laura Lee - who physically turns in her seat to avoid Shauna's gaze. Shauna's jaw clenches sorely, glaring down at her desk in defeat.

What the fuck happened last night?

Jackie could ask the same thing. In fact, that's exactly what she's been doing. The note correspondence goes as follows...

jackie: how stupid was i last night? memory gaps

laura: not stupid at all. just brave

jackie: doesnt fucking sound like me

laura: but you were brave. about her

Jackie stares at the reply for god knows how long, before vehemently crossing out the entirety of the note in black marker. She then crumples it up and stores it in her pencil case, glaring down at her hands - and at the residual black ink staining her fingers.

She thinks of the black ink that stained her fingers when she touched Shauna's locker last week.

She thinks of the word Lucy and those hockey girls had carved into the blank canvas.

She thinks of the words Laura Lee wrote to her.

but you were brave. about her

Jackie shuts her eyes. Letting her mind unlock the hazy, tequila-fuelled memory lost within her.

Previously, the night before...

...Jackie haphazardly slaps the fake moustache on above her lips, eyes barely open as she does so.

"Hellll yeahhh!" Nat cheers from a leaning lawn chair, holding a bottle of beer up to Jackie in congratulations.

"Right?! I'm seeing the fucking vision - " Jackie spins, almost losing her battle to gravity as she does so.

"Issa new Sheriff in town, baby, we - " Nat's stopped by the fact that the lawn chair falls back into the grass, taking her down with her in it. Everybody bellows with laughter - sloppy and all over the place - as the music continues to pump into the garden from the open kitchen door and windows. Jackie laughs so hard she also falls back, but unlike Nat, she lands in the available arms of Laura Lee.

"Nat? Did you die? Shout if you died - " Jackie instructs, but Nat's arm pokes up from the ground to show off the unspilled bottle of beer clutched in her hand.

"Saved it!" Nat announces. One thing about Nat is that she's always got her priorities in order. Jackie grins, although still wobbly on the spot.

"I can't hold you up." Laura Lee grunts, struggling to stand on her own. Jackie hasn't even realised Laura Lee's been trying to keep her steady. "God did not make me jacked."

"Shit, sorry Laura!" She grumbles, already feeling that nasty, bubbling feeling in her stomach. God, what time is it? Everybody is absolutely wrecked. Gen and Melissa cuddling on the outdoor sofa, murmuring something lame about the stars. Nat still entangled in the nearby upturned lawn chair, giggling up at Lottie who's kneeling beside her, cradling her head in her lap. Jackie and Laura Lee stumble their way over to their little pocket of friends, and drop down with them on the grass. Laura Lee thuds onto her back, giving Jackie a fright.

"You alive?" She shakes Laura Lee's shoulder, and gets a weak thumbs up in response. "Nice." Jackie grins sheepishly before laying down beside her.

"This was - the gayest night of my life - " Laura Lee hiccups. They all giggle - drunk, stupid and half-asleep

"Yeah? You had fun?" Lottie asks between the giggles.

"Yeaaa.." Laura Lee is barely awake, comforted by the grass's tender embrace and night sky above. "And I - I forgot to tell you - you look cool, Jax." She murmurs, almost thoughtlessly. Nat smirks faintly, and raises an eyebrow.

"Just Jax, huh? What about the rest of us?" She teases, prompting more sleepy, drunk laughter from the group. Laura Lee's eyes go wide, jaw immediately trembling open.

"It's - it's just a compliment! She's stepping out of her comfort zone! I wasn't trying to, like, y'know... I wouldn't - " Her cheeks burn red, but when she looks up at Jackie - she finds that she's just chuckling just like everybody else. Laura Lee's muscles start to relax, thudding back into the grass. "Fuck you, Jackie."

"Oh, I'm so scared - "

"Besides, you're not even my type - I'm into girls with a bit more class - y'know, decorum."

Aside from the chorus of low 'Ooooo's and chuckling, Laura Lee and Jackie both sit quietly for awhile.

Because Laura Lee has actually said it. Who would've thought this whole time, that Laura Lee would've been braver than Jackie? She had confessed on the swings earlier - and now she's said it out loud for the first time, in front of all of them.

I'm into girls.

And just like before - nobody dies.

Nobody gets dragged into the eternal inferno of hell.

They just lay, side by side in the grass, watching little flickers in the pitch black night, with the buzz of drunk chatter and music all around them - a protective shield, keeping their conversations safeguarded.

She's said it out loud. She's made it real. She's given it life - purpose - a home.

Jackie tightly grips her own hands over her chest, digging her thumb into her palm, red eyes staring up and far away. Her lips tremble open, and a timid smirk forms.

"Your type sounds like she has a stick up her ass." Jackie grumbles, looking at Laura Lee with a pinch of mischief.

"That's what I was gonna say." Nat snorts, before they're all bursting into little giggles again.

"She does sometimes, yeah." Laura Lee admits, chuckling slightly as well. "Church girls, am I right? Fucking unpredictable." She nudges Jackie knowingly, as they all cackle at the sentence. The rosy-cheeked, genuine smiles all around, the happy tears on Laura Lee's cheeks - it only makes Jackie's eyes sting even more. "How 'bout you, Cap? What's your type? And please don't say Sadecki." The moment Laura Lee says it, Lottie actually starts booing at the mention of his name, which is quickly picked up by the others.

Holy fuck, did everybody not like Jeff? Go figure...

"Definitely not Sadecki. Especially not after... everything." Jackie murmurs, fidgeting with her fingers. Realisation sets in on Laura Lee's face.

"Sorry, Jackie, I - I forgot, I shouldn't have mentioned him, I just - "

"How many of you?" Jackie asks suddenly. She shifts from her spot in the grass, trying to get a better look of everyone, wobbling slightly. "How many of you heard all the shit he's been saying about me?" Jackie almost doesn't need a verbal answer - with the way they all exchange looks, wide eyed and uncomfortable on the spot. "Great. That's just... great." She sighs hard, flopping back into the grass with her eyes squeezed shut. So, everybody knows. Awesome. Just what she needs. Suddenly, she's feeling a lot more sober than she was just a few seconds ago.

"Fuck those fucking guys." Lottie spits venomously, taking a drag of a cigarette. "Nat and I can take those limpdicks."

"Damn straight." Nat mumbles, flailing a hand upwards to snag Lottie's cigarette.

"Whatever. They're not fucking worth it." Jackie sighs, rolling her jaw as she thinks. Laura Lee cautiously lays on her side, watching how hard Jackie shuts her eyes, how aggressively she digs her thumb into the palm of her hand, how the veins strain on her neck as she focuses. "I don't think I even liked him, like at all. And it's not just that he's not my type, I mean he's not even, like..."

She stops. Hold it right there, cowboy. Someone's flying a little too close to the sun.

It grows quiet between the group. But not out of judgement or intimidation. They're letting her breathe. They're letting her think. They're giving her time, and patience, even in their drunken stupor.

And in that time - Jackie wonders, like she always does, about the almighty it and the almighty her. The concepts that live inside her. Little, theoretical hermits, happy in the windowless home that Jackie built just for them...

She wonders if, maybe, they want to see the stars too.

"My type likes the Saints."

When she says it, she feels the grass beneath her give way to a soft opening in the earth. She keeps her eyes shut, letting it take her this time. She wants to know where it goes. She wants to be carried, to be held by it.

"The Saints, hm? That a band?" Nat whispers thoughtfully. Jackie would laugh if she wasn’t terrified. 

"Yeah, sure." She breathes, pressing into her palm harder. She wants to keep going, she wants something to feel real for once in her fucking life. She wants to say it out loud, maybe to give it a better home, maybe to let it wonder - free and alive. The sentence curls up calmly on the tip of her tongue, waiting for her, patient and tranquil.

"And... she, um... she likes when it rains."

Unbeknownst to Jackie - soft, little smiles spark wordlessly between the group.

She.

A small sound, a pocket-sized thing, tiny and insignificant to many. But tonight it's large enough to crush her, to end her. Tonight, she can't take it back - so she gives it everything. Just like Melissa said: if you're gonna join - you've gotta commit to the bit, partner.

"And I think I like the rain too, but... but I think I only like it because she likes it... so, sometimes, I just... y’know, listen to the rain, and it's... it's like she's..."

Jackie clears her throat, suddenly very aware that everything has just started spilling out. One tiny word, a simple 'she' and her walls dissolve into nothing.

The night sky above returns to her watery line of sight when she finally opens her eyes again, stars reflecting in the tears that escape down her face.

"Sorry." She glances over at them for the first time in several minutes now, but is unable to maintain the eye contact. "Sorry, I didn't mean to." Jackie suddenly rolls up off her back, hurriedly wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Jackie, it's okay - " Laura Lee reaches for her wrist, catching Jackie before she drunkenly attempts to stand. Laura Lee's eyes are still bright as ever under the moonlight, her gaze pleading for Jackie to stay.

"Jackie..." Lottie says her name like a little beg. Jackie's stinging gaze lifts. And she finds herself surrounded by the warmth of their little pocket. Laura Lee, Lottie, Nat, Gen, Melissa... all staring back at her with sweet, gentle dispositions, cradling her delicately within them. Kind and tender-hearted eyes that wrap her up, keeping her warm and fed, safe and loved. "You don't have hide all the time." Lottie whispers. Jackie's eyes flicker between all of them. Always desperate to find a reason - to distrust, to run, to lie, to backtrack... but all she finds are those same looks of understanding - of admiration - and a certain camaraderie she's never seen before, and a tenderness she's never felt. Not as friends, not as team mates. Something more, something with roots.

"Stay, Jax. We want you here."

If you'd have asked Jackie last week if she ever thought Nat would say that to her - she'd have laughed in your face.

But she doesn't.

And Nat isn't laughing. Nat is looking at her just the same as everyone else, with eyes that ground her - eyes that let her fall back, and relax into the grass again, looking up at the sky. Eyes that she trusts. Eyes that make her say it...

She peers up from the ground, first at Laura Lee - then back and forth between the two couples - Gen and Melissa, then Lottie and Nat.

"So..." She grumbles hoarsely, "Is it like a queer rite of passage to fall in love with your best-friend?"

Silence.

Then they nod, and spend the next several minutes rolling in the grass, laughing til their stomaches ache, crying into each other and holding on tight.

Jackie Taylor.

Bombshell soccer captain, cowboy gunslinger, and possible lesbian girl-failure.

There's kind of a ring to it.

Chapter Text

Jackie Taylor does not chase.

She does many things, but never that.

Besides, she's been with Jeff for the past four years. Trapped in an unrelenting, uncomfortably comfortable relationship where she's never needed to chase anyone. So why would she start now? Don't even get her started on flirting, because even if she could remember how to do it, it wouldn't be much use to her. They aren't in middle-school anymore. The language has changed, and Jackie doesn't know how to speak it anymore, verbal or otherwise. She tries translating her ideas into reality but they come out all wrong and twisted, vague and confused.

Do people still court each other? What even is courtship? Is it when you take someone out for a meal, and foot the bill? Because that's kind of flirting, right? Or, is that also a totally normal gesture amongst friends? Maybe even best-friends?

"We could've split it, y'know... the bill." Shauna grumbles, distant and unamused. She's been pissed off all day and for once Jackie actually knows why. Shauna doesn't do conflict and confrontation, so it's up to Jackie, as always, to rebuild the bridge no matter how much she's dreading the legwork. She hoped that an after school strip mall visit might help a little, but... she's wrong, and it doesn't.

"Okay, well - maybe I wanted to pay for yours, so... suck it up, Shipman." Jackie murmurs, still battling a classic mood-killing hangover. She takes a moment of thought, playfully tilting her head. "Are you really complaining about a free cheesesteak right now?"

"No." Shauna shoots quickly. A smile almost creeps onto her lips - but she fights it off before it sees the light of day. She doesn't meet Jackie's eyes, focused on the sandwich and not much else, leg bouncing anxiously in her seat. Jackie hates when Shauna gets like this - in one of her brooding, mysterious moods - all sulky and silent. Prying any kind of response out of her is like pulling teeth with her bare hands. Shauna eats like she's chewing through sinew, ravenous and feral, eager to get this over with. It makes Jackie wince like always.

"Fucking relax, nobody's taking it from you." She says, with a halfhearted laugh.

Shauna has to breathe slow and calculated - delving deep within herself to find any semblance patience and empathy - trying to remind herself that Jackie is always extra snappy when she's at the tail-end of a hangover.

"Mhm." Shauna forces the noise out, nodding as she chews. At least she bites softer this time around.

"Attagirl, Ship." Jackie encourages nonchalantly. The little phrase makes Shauna's eyes flicker up to her for barely a millisecond, and a balmy pink flush starts either side of her nose. She doesn't maintain the contact for much longer than that though, and soon Jackie's already weakening smile fades to nothingness. She hates Shauna like this... so, Jackie sits upright and lets out an anxious it's-game-time sigh. She plants her hands cautiously in her own lap and looks Shauna in the face, even if Shauna won't look at her. There's no other way around it, so she rips off the bandaid and speaks.

"Shauna... I get it. I should've invited you to the party last night, and I didn't... I'm sorry."

Shauna's eyes go a little wide at Jackie's statement. Not just because she isn't expecting it - but because it sounds so fucking lame out loud. Yes, that's what Shauna's upset about. Not being invited to a stupid party. That's what she's been moping and dragging her feet about all day - and it sounds so pathetic when someone else says it, especially Jackie.

"What?! No, that's - it's fine, I'm not upset about that." Shauna replies, lying through her teeth, with a timid shake of her head. "I mean, I'm pretty sure I told Lottie I was gonna be busy all weekend, like, catching up on the homework from my sick days, and - "

"Okay, but you didn't tell me that, Shipman... so I don't have any excuse, and you don't have to bullshit me, alright? I know you." Jackie's shoulders fall loosely at her sides as she speaks, her voice raspy as ever and very, very sorry. Shauna plays with the paper holding her sandwich, feeling as her face grows even warmer as the topic continues. It really does sound so fucking pitiful out loud. "And I know that you hate feeling left out, and... that's exactly how I made you feel, so - I'm sorry - I'm really, really fucking sorry, Shauna."

Shauna's trying to remember the last time Jackie's truthfully apologised for something as trivial as this... usually it's followed up with a bunch of bullshit excuses, typically involving dipshits one and two (Jeff and Randy), but... perhaps now that they're no longer in the picture, maybe Jackie's actually dealing with things with a bit more clarity.

Jackie's hand slithers across the table, eclipsing over Shauna's, giving her knuckles a good squeeze. There's a tiny clinking sound as she does so... because Shauna's got new rings, and they look so fucking good. The motion, accompanied by the noise, makes Shauna look up at Jackie properly for the first time since they got here. And Jesus, Jackie looks fucking serious - and sad, too. Oh, God... did Shauna make her sad? Without thinking, Shauna squeezes Jackie's hand back, sitting up a little straighter.

"Jax, it's - not a big deal, I swear. I was just being like, all dramatic and..." Shauna's eyes briefly flicker to the ceiling, sighing as she tries to get the words out. "...jealous, and - I know it's pathetic, but - "

"Shauna, it is not pathetic." Jackie cuts past her gravely, eyes narrow and brows creased. Jackie did not like that, not one bit. "Don't... ever say that again." She takes Shauna's hand into both of hers, cradling it comfortingly. "Okay? Promise me."

"Okay, uh - " Shauna stammers, distracted as Jackie squeezes her hand between both of hers. She glances down at the movement, feeling the tips of her ears sizzling with heat. "I - I won't. I promise." Shauna grips Jackie back securely - and Jackie's heart is in her throat, tightening around each breath that hikes in and out. She tries to gauge Shauna's expression... only to find out that's exactly what Shauna's trying to do with her as well. She rubs a soothing thumb over Shauna's knuckles, watching as a little flare of panic - possibly even excitement - stirs in her eyes.

"Are we, like..." Jackie clears her throat, "Are we good?" She massages Shauna's hand like she's wounded, and Shauna's eyes dance over Jackie's fingers, watching intently as they roll into her, gentle and tempting.

"Totally! Yeah, totally good..." Shauna attempts a breathy, casual laugh - but she already feels an anxious sweat coming on. Jackie swallows the knot in her throat, still peering unsurely at her.

"Are you sure?"

"Jackie." She tilts her head slightly, with a faint smile on the edge of her lips. "We're good. I promise." She gives Jackie's hands another squeeze, and an encouraging, funny little shake. Jackie chews the inside of her cheek trying not to grin, but it doesn't work. And her smile is always contagious, immediately spreading over to Shauna. That stupid, idiot, handsome Shauna-smile. It makes Jackie woozy, eyes fluttering all over the darling, toothy grin. How Shauna looks this good under the revolting hospital-white lights in here is a mystery... speaking of which, flirting means giving compliments, right?

"Good, because..." Jackie turns Shauna's hand over in hers - facing Shauna's knuckles upwards, exposing her new rings. She curiously runs her fingers over them. "I'm digging whatever the hell you're trying here... it suits you."

"And what exactly do you think I'm trying?" Shauna's quick on her feet, catching her with a playful twist in her lips.

"Hmm... well, it depends..." Jackie raises an eyebrow, studying her. She keeps toying with Shauna's fingers, spinning the rings around them slowly. "Are you intentionally leaning into the, like - sexy, troubled artist look?" She teases, immediately making Shauna snort with laughter.

"Really? That's what you think I'm going for? Seriously?" She bites back, eyes narrowing as she says it. Jackie watches as Shauna's jaw turns trying to hide an irresistible, magnetic smirk - one that makes Jackie's head flood irrationally.

"Yeah, like - maybe you write super sad poetry and, like - talk to the moon, or something." Jackie leans on the table, propping an arm up and resting her chin in her palm. Jackie makes sure to keep her other hand over Shauna's, still picking at the rings, undisturbed. Shauna giggles softly, semi stunned... mostly because she actually does that but is so not admitting that right now.

"Still, though - a sexy, troubled artist?" Shauna blinks, cheeks flushed under the white light. "How the fuck did you even come up that?" Shauna asks genuinely, flustered and spinning. Jackie stares into her, watching the sweat that forms over her forehead, and the tiny droplet that rolls down her temple. The way that Shauna sits there, leaning in her chair, muscles beautifully tensed... that handsome, dizzying smirk on her lips, that look in her boundless eyes... the exposed, soft skin over her sternum where a necklace sits, tempting her, calling to her... her hands, and those rings... her arms... her fucking thighs... Jackie's eyes flutter in tandem with her heartbeat, and she speaks without thinking.

"I mean - fuck, Shauna - look at you, you're... I mean, Jesus Christ - "

She skids to a halt - caught in the headlights.

The sentence acts as nature's very own record scratch, and silence swallows their table whole. Shauna's forgotten how to breathe, and Jackie's forgotten how to blink. Huge, doe eyes blowing out as her life crumbles right in front of her - trying to think of a way out - maybe to play it off or change the subject. She watches Shauna's throat as it flexes, swallowing hard. God, that neck. Jackie has to stop staring - but Shauna's staring too. Just two best-friends, being very casual, having an extremely normal interaction. Breaths hitching, eyes locked with an inkling of recognition and sheer terror all in one. And then Shauna's chest finally fills with oxygen for the first time in several seconds of quiet eye contact. And if Shauna wasn't pink before, she sure is now.

"I, uh - "

"Sorry - I was just, um - " Jackie says hurriedly, as if backtracking is somehow going to save this from getting any worse.

"No, it's fine! It's fine, it was just - "

"A lot?"

"Not - not in a bad way, I just..."

God... they're fucking terrible at this. Like flaming oil tank, black smoke, train wreck levels of terrible. Jackie doesn't understand how flirting works, and surprise, surprise - neither does her counterpart. Jackie feels Shauna's hand move under hers, revealing a fresh damp patch on the table where Shauna's palm has been sweating over.

"I just wasn't expecting it, that's all." Shauna finishes finally, in a wavering voice, before clearing her throat. Their faces have flushed to the point of looking faint and nauseous - spontaneously overheating side by side on this fine spring day. Jackie nods... but her brain is always a little roguish, acting on its own accord...

"So... should I give you a heads up next time I try to compliment you, or...?"

Shauna tries pursing her lips to hold off another bashful smirk. God, their faces aren't getting any less red anytime soon.

"Yeah, I'd appreciate some warning next time. Thanks, Cap." Shauna actually teases back, shaking her head slightly, keeping her eyes well away from Jackie as she does so.

"Whatever you say, Shipman." Jackie has to press her tongue to the inside of her cheek trying to dismiss the smirk appearing on her face. She stands, gathering her trash as well as Shauna's, clearing the table for the both of them as Shauna watches in slight surprise and confusion... is that flirting? Jesus, she's hopeless. "So - " Jackie holds a hand out to her, and Shauna stares at it for a beat, before slowly reaching up to take it in hers... has Jackie always tried to hold her hand this much? "You wanna ditch this shithole and watch Beaches?"

"...again...?"

Perfect timing. The sun's just right in the sky. Golden streaks soaring through the air and splaying out over the cars, pavement and people. Hell, it even makes the mall - usually desolate and grey - look like it could be straight out of a movie.

"Fuck, it's nice out." Jackie beams, about two seconds away from actually skipping through the carpark like a maniac. "What did you say this time of day was called again?"

"Um... you mean like, the golden hour?" Shauna asks pensively, grinning as she paws around for her car keys. The sun rays sink into Jackie. She becomes a shapeshifter. It transforms her hair, eyes, skin - even her smile. That Jackie smile. Radiant and fucking enchanting... it immediately erases all non-Jackie related thoughts from Shauna's head until there is only her. The golden hour, at this point, might as well belong to her. Shauna's not sure how her feet carry her over to the car, she could've floated there for all she knows.

But then - a whistle - at their side.

They both jolt at the sharp, rude intrusion - turning, searching for the source of the sound.

And suddenly, the golden-tinted daze comes grinding to a swift end...

Who else would be there - several cars down - but Lucy herself.

Shauna and Jackie both stop... but their demeanours couldn't be more different. Shauna with a small stoking fear, Jackie with a sudden, immediate, burning hatred... and Lucy - Lucy does what she always does... she smiles.

"Don't fucking start." Jackie warns curtly, in a vicious tone that catches Shauna off-guard. Lucy approaches with her hands raised in surrender, but Jackie knows better.

"I'm just here waiting for my sister - not looking for another fight, just a chat."

"Oh, sure - because you're so notoriously great at small talk." Jackie chastises, hands on her hips. Then she hears an unexpected question from her side.

"What do you mean another fight?" Shauna asks, all quiet and confused. Jackie's expression sinks. Oh, right... Shauna doesn't know about the fight yet.

"I'll... I'll tell you about it later. Come on, Ship." Jackie takes Shauna by her arm, eager to get out of the situation as soon as possible. Shauna doesn't object, letting herself be led away without protest.

"Heard you had fun last night, Jax." Lucy calls after them, poking the bear as she always does. She just can't resist. Jackie pauses. They're right at the car door. She could just open it - open it and leave - drive off with Shauna and without another word. Because even though Lucy is without her posse of hockey dipshits right now, Jackie can tell that Shauna is in no mood to stick around, and frankly neither is she... but she stares at the door - catching her own reflection in the window... she glares at the person she finds there - glistening and hungover, lips curling into a maddening, spiteful frown, daggers in her eyes. Shauna's reflection comes up behind her, but she's not looking at the window, she's staring into the side of Jackie's face - brimming with concern and panic. She starts to say something, but Jackie turns back around before she can actually voice it.

"Don't call me Jax, we aren't fucking friends." The moment she says it, Lucy has the audacity to smile wider. And God, does Jackie ever fucking hate when Lucy smiles. So disgustingly sweet and hollow... and Jackie knows she's giving Lucy what she wants by reacting. She knows she shouldn't... but she can't help it this time. She's had enough.

"Jackie... let's just - let's just leave, okay?" Shauna is whispering at her side, but Jackie's eyes are locked straight ahead across the tarmac.

"Listen, I don't know what you heard about last night, but I don't have time for your bullshit right now, so - "

"Sheriff Taylor, was it? That's what they were calling you, right?" The smirk on her face makes Jackie's blood simmer. And then her own face is fucking burning... chest aching, pulling apart inside of her... a playful nickname that brought her so much laughter yesterday, now makers her feel an untethered violence. She had felt so loved there, in that garden last night, in the arms of her friends. Holding hands with the people that know her - truly know her for who she really is - and love her for it. And now Lucy's laughing sardonically at the mere mention of the pet name. "That's so embarrassing, oh my god - "

"Fuck you." Jackie grunts, feeling the words in her stomach - acidic, low and guttural. Lucy can tell she's hit a a weak spot... and she's basking in - drinking from it... Jackie can feel Shauna looking up at her, eyes flickering with confusion and fear.

"So it's true, then?" Lucy asks calmly, even though there's an eager look in her eyes. She's trigger-happy, itching for more, feeding off of her. "Did you know about this?" She nods at Shauna.

"Don't talk to her." Jackie snaps, instinctively pressing Shauna behind her carefully, fingers grazing her stomach. Shauna takes an impulsive step back, nudging into the car. Lucy sighs, almost longingly, now with additional ammunition...

"Always so protective of your little lapdog - "

"Shut up - " Jackie warns, but Lucy is faster than her.

"Sorry, I meant girlfriend - "

"Shut your fucking mouth!" Jackie bellows suddenly, shocking Shauna against the car door. But the shout sounds more broken than threatening, and then Jackie's moving - towards Lucy, without another breath - and Lucy's moving towards her too. Shauna clammers after her, trying to pull her back, cheeks burning as she processes Lucy's last two remarks.

"Jax - " She wedges between them before they can meet, planting her hands onto Jackie's shoulders firmly as she tries to catch her eyes... but Jackie's not there. She's not looking at her. She's looking through her. Truthfully, Jackie can barely even feel Shauna at all. She's bloodthirsty. A brutal, monstrous stare with eyes that sting - glimmering with painful tears, jaw squeezing, teeth grinding. The look has Shauna perplexed... and fucking terrified.

"Jax?" She repeats softer, only growing more afraid of what she's seeing in front of her. She tries gently rubbing Jackie's shoulders, hoping maybe the little movements could bring her back to her... But she isn't there. A painful breath leaves Jackie's lips, and the little tremor is enough to cast a set of tears down her cheeks against her will, without so much as a blink. Shauna glares at the tears... she's never seen Jackie cry like this... she wants to reach up and dry them, to whisk Jackie away into the car. But she's locked on her face. The tears look like they're burn her, and Jackie is almost unrecognisable. Gone is that golden hour girl - only a wounded Jackie-shaped thing remains.

And the tears strike a match, hovering over the oil spill between them.

"Oof... hit a nerve?" Lucy mumbles pensively, almost singsong like. Jackie's jaw clenches tighter as she expeditiously wipes the tears away. But it's too late, they've already been seen.

"No." She's a terrible liar.

"At least it's all starting to make sense." Lucy sighs, eyes up as she pretends to think. "I mean - you have sex with a guy one time and suddenly you're in the GSA? Really? Could you have made it any more obvious?" She scoffs, clearly trying her best not to burst out laughing. Shauna watches the tips of Jackie's ears go red, lips twitching as if she's going to bite back - verbally or physically, she yet can't tell... but Shauna didn't know about the GSA stuff either... and she's sure she wasn't meant to know yet, judging by the sudden self-consciousness now intertwined with Jackie's untamed expression.

"Move, Shauna." The words come out small, but Jackie's never sounded so dead fucking serious. She lays a strong hand on Shauna's wrist, prying it off her shoulders. Shauna blinks, alarm in her eyes as she's easily moved away from Jackie's front. She doesn't let her slip away that easily, though, snaking an arm around Jackie's waist from behind, pulling her back.

"We can, just - we can just go, Jackie - Jackie, come on - " Shauna whispers into her hair, eyes panicked as she watches the veins in Jackie's neck strain, swallowing hard.

"You should listen to your girlfriend, Shitman, the adults are talking." Lucy says, preemptively sliding her schoolbag off and dropping it down by her side - still not breaking eye contact with Jackie as they move to stand toe-to-toe.

"Shut the fuck up - and Shauna, move - " Jackie pushes her elbow back gently, taking great care to not actually hurt Shauna - only pushing ever so slightly just enough to get Shauna away from her.

Lucy doesn't know when to stop.

But she's about to learn...

"Jackie, I'm curious..." And as Lucy speaks, Jackie already knows what's going to happen next. She feels her nails digging into her palms as fists form at her sides, watching Lucy's lips move as she speaks. She can already feel it coming. "Tell me... did you realise you were a dyke because Sadecki humiliated you in bed? Or were you just waiting to find out if Shauna was one too, that way you two could finally be togeth - "

A sharp, bone-shattering crack of lightning shrieks through the carpark.

Except it's a different act of nature - not from brewing storm clouds - but from a human body.

Flesh on flesh.

Jackie's fist, embedded in Lucy's fucking jaw.

Jackie doesn't even know how or when it happens, but Lucy's on the pavement, and Jackie's on her chest, pinning her there... and she's fucking swinging. Raining down, hard. Eyes wild as she watches the movements from outside of herself, her body performing foreign actions that don't belong to her. But Lucy's not down and out just yet, she's swinging back too, but Jackie's adrenaline is so high that she barely notices. The jabs land flatly under her radar - slotting into her tender ribs and soft belly, fingernails clawing and catching in her skin. The only time Jackie registers any of the impact is when Lucy manages to get some hits in further up, slicing right across her face, whipping her head back from the impact... but still... Jackie doesn't stop, not even with Shauna's hands all over her, begging her...

Because she wants to kill Lucy. She wants her fucking dead.

At least, until... she reaches back to get Lucy one more time... and her elbow connects with something behind her - someone behind her... and then suddenly the wave of fury is gone - replaced with something much, much worse...

"Shauna - " Jackie gasps, looking back in complete horror. She's done the unthinkable... She sees Shauna stumble back - hands flying to the impact zone. Jackie elbowed her in her fucking nose. Jackie feels her chest cave in, splintering and shattering to pieces inside of her. "Shaunie, I - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to - " But Jackie forgets where she is... and Lucy doesn't. Lucy takes the moment of weakness to slash Jackie right across the face with a tightly wound fist, rings and all.

Jackie's head whips to the side, crashing onto her back, hard - scraping into the course tarmac. Jackie grunts, back arching, wheezing as she rolls onto her side. She looks up to see Lucy scrambling to her feet - looking dizzy and in shock. Lucy's sister is here now - Jackie hadn't even realised - and she's propping Lucy up against a car, talking closely and pinning her there. She looks just like her, only smaller, and less like a fucking prick. Shauna rushes into Jackie's field of view, tugging her up to her feet.

"Jackie, what the fuck - " She breathes in absolute horror... but there's the tiniest smudge of blood under her nose.

"Your nose - " Jackie's hands immediately go to grab Shauna's face, glaring at the little spot. She did that to her. That's when Jackie notices the blood on her own hands, especially her knuckles. "Fuck, Shauna, I'm so sorry - " Jackie whispers frantically, studying Shauna's face desperately, staring at the sore spot on her nose.

"It's fucking fine! Please can we just leave? Please?" Shauna begs, scanning around anxiously. Jackie follows Shauna's gaze, now noticing the small crowd gathering in the parking lot.

"Okay - okay, fuck - " Jackie stammers, blinking as she tries to come back to reality, still riding on her adrenaline high. Shauna's hands are trembling as she fumbles for her car keys, heart beating out of her chest. Jackie looks over at Lucy... and she looks fucked. Blood on her face and hands, more than Jackie. And Lucy is fucking crying, whereas Jackie is still breathing like a rabid animal. All she knows is her sister is holding her down, talking closely, occasionally glaring right back at Jackie. But Jackie notices something else... Lucy's schoolbag, exactly where she discarded it before the fight - now tipped over on it's side... the contents spilled on the ground.

And she sees it.

She sees Shauna's journal amongst the rubble.

Without another word, she lunges for it - fingers and knees scraping the tarmac as she scrambles for it.

"Hey!" Lucy's sister protests. Jackie bundles the journal in her hands, clambering back up to her feet. She meets the mini-Lucy's gaze with her own, muscles tensed... still ready. But Lucy grabs her sister back, holding her tight as she pulls.

"Not her." It's not just a demand, it's a beg...

So they stand, eyes locked amid bruised, blood-smeared faces - an innocent bystander between them - just as Shauna had been, when Lucy had ripped her journal from her and started all of this... But Jackie isn't like Lucy. And Jackie would never.

Without another word, Jackie's gone, storming back to the car... that's when she sees Shauna - who's been standing frozen in place by the drivers side - staring in complete horror at the little book in Jackie's hands... Shauna's throat is in knots, winding and squeezing - eyes completely glazed over, lungs as heavy as lead, lower lip trembling at the sight of it... The catalyst of it all. Jackie extends the book towards her the moment she reaches her.

"Shauna." Jackie whispers, tender for her, and her alone... Shauna raises a shivering hand up to the book... immediately feeling a familiar sense of comfort the moment she touches it. Her confidante, reunited at last. She runs a hand over the cover, inhaling and exhaling, long and hard. Hello, old friend. She looks up at Jackie.

"When... how did you know? How did you know that she...?" Shauna blinks, watching a thick, crimson stream dripping from Jackie's parted lips, coating her teeth and tongue. The warm blood seeps into every crevasse, multiplying, overspilling.

"I'll tell you at home, okay? You have it back now, that's what matters. It's done. Fuck her, and - and fuck hockey." Jackie utters, with a mouth full of molten iron. She turns her head to spit the blood out on the pavement, grimacing as she does so... and Shauna wishes she didn't find that as mind-numbingly attractive as she does. She feels very suddenly awake, and then she smells her... Jackie, the same as she always smells - now intertwined with a hint of sweat, and blood - a deadly concoction that makes Shauna's head spin and knees weak.

"Get in, Jackie." Shauna orders, frazzled. And Jackie can't argue with that in the slightest. Neither of them looks back. They're just back in the car, and on the road again. Thousand-yard stares, breaths still shivering and hearts racing, adrenaline pumping. Jackie doesn't feel a thing. Not a bruise, not a scrape - nothing.

She doesn't feel a fucking thing until something warm scurries into her lap.

Shauna's hand - fumbling over to her - shaking as it lands on her inner thigh.

And suddenly... Jackie feels again.

"Thank you." Shauna clears her throat, voice straining.

Jackie swallows the blood that pools in her mouth. Her eyes dart from her lap, to the road, and back again - looking down every time Shauna presses into her. But Shauna's polite. Too polite, keeping her hand up high, closer to Jackie's knee more than anything. But Jackie - Jackie's just kicked ever-loving fuck out of someone - and Jackie's head is fucking reeling... So, maybe she's not thinking straight... or maybe it's the clearest she's thought in a long time.

Either way, she grabs Shauna's wrist and jerks her hand lower, so that her fingers brush against the edge of Jackie's shorts. It's barely audible, but Jackie hears Shauna draw in a sharp, panicked, breath of surprise from the drivers seat.

But whatever shock value that movement initially brings doesn't last long - because in a blink of an eye Shauna's hand is flexing again, delving sweaty fingers hard against Jackie's skin, sinking in effortlessly.

Jackie's too light-headed to stop the desperate sigh of relief she lets out, letting her body loosen into the passengers seat. The noise almost blinds Shauna, blinking at the road, trying to keep her focus. She has to see her now - she just has to - especially after she made that sound. So Shauna glances into the rearview mirror... only to find that Jackie is already watching her right back... Shauna's face goes as red as the blood on Jackie's lips.

"Jackie, what the fuck are we doing - "

"I don't - fucking know, Shauna!"

They cross two lines at once.

They've never spoken to each other during one of their little experiments, let alone looked at each other. And here they are, glaring at each other through the rearview, finally acknowledging what's happening between them out loud for the first time ever...

"Just drive and don't, um - don't stop, doing that - " Jackie pauses, glancing down at Shauna's hand, then back up at her. They share a knowing look at last, and Shauna almost swerves them into traffic. Because who is she to deny Jackie of anything? So, she drives, again. And the rest of the ride is filled with hitched breaths and urgent sighs...

...but by the time they get to Jackie's house, the adrenaline has worn off - and Jackie is really starting to feel every scrape and bruise now. Shauna doesn't waste time grabbing the first aid kit, and whatever else she can get her hands on in Mrs. Taylor's medicine cabinet... Lord knows they're always full.

Shauna gets to work.

Shauna gets to work as if she didn't just have her hand up Jackie's thigh - as if Jackie didn't sigh like that repeatedly - as if Shauna hasn't been tempting her the whole drive over here...

But she stays focused. Cleaning blood away, giving wounds a little antiseptic treatment, until Shauna can finally get a better look at what they're dealing with. Scrapes on Jackie's knees and knuckles, nicks in her arms and legs from Lucy's nails, a cut over her nose and another under her eye, bruises barely beginning to form... overall, it seems like she's off pretty easy. All the blood on her face earlier appears to have just been smeared around, so it's good to know Jackie wasn't actively bleeding out back there. Shauna holds a mini flashlight to Jackie's mouth, peering inside to find jagged teeth impressions and scrapes on the inside of her cheek and tongue. Jackie tries speaking even with the flashlight between her teeth.

"esth naw dah beh"

"What?" Shauna frowns, removing the flashlight from Jackie's mouth.

"It's not that bad." Jackie repeats with a little cough. Shauna sighs, tossing the flashlight aside. "I think my shoulders took the brunt of that fall though. God, my fucking back." Jackie winces, attempting to roll her shoulders in a little stretch. Shauna's eyes widen, scoots over closer to her. The moment Shauna touches her back, Jackie jumps, drawing in a sharp breath.

"Sorry! Shit, um - " Shauna quickly removes her hand, eyes frantically dating around, trying to think of a solution. "Is it bad? Can you show me?" She asks, pretty much without thinking. Jackie sighs, a little more shakily.

"Um, sure..." She says breathily, and then she's reaching for the bottom of her t-shirt.

Oh... yeah, no, Shauna forgot about that part. In order for Jackie to show her, she kind of has to... look.

Jackie gets the tshirt halfway up her torso before she's wincing in pain. Shauna already sees tiny nail marks and a couple bruises forming on her ribs.

"Jackie..."

"Okay - not gonna lie, this is kind of - ow." Jackie wheezes, grimacing. She tugs more of the t-shirt off, and Shauna sees dry blood on the back of Jackie's bra - not a great sign. And then her gaze falls upon her signature golden heart necklace, sitting pretty above the swell of Jackie's breasts, glistening in sweat. Shauna’s palms start to dampen, and Jackie releases a tired little grunt, caught in the fabric over her head. "Can you - "

"Yeah, sorry -" Shauna snaps out of it instantly, reaching up and helping her pull off the rest of it. Jackie breathes out in relief when the whole procedure is over, and Shauna quickly sits behind her, to check the damage... Short streaks of partially chapped skin cascade down her shoulder blades, bruises already starting to form around them. "Well... it's not... terrible." She tries to sound as convincing as she can.

"Yeah? Am I, like... good?" Jackie asks, and Shauna cringes a little through a smile.

"Um..." She thinks for a minute, eyes wandering further... following the notches of Jackie's spine, trailing down to the dimples in her lower back. Of course even Jackie's back would be this fucking beautiful, even under these conditions. And of fucking course the undeserving, ungrateful Jeff Sadecki would have had this view all to himself, on this very bed, when they were...

...Shauna has to stop herself, already feeling her jaw tightening at the mere thought of him. It's been a good few seconds though, and Jackie turns to look back at her. Shauna quickly averts her eyes back up to the wounded area.

"You're a little scratched up, so you'll probably be feeling those bruises in the morning." Shauna murmurs, warm-faced and bashful. Great save.

"Fuck - I'm already feeling them now, Ship." Jackie groans, stretching again, which probably isn't actually helping at all. Shauna sighs, low and slow.

"Listen, I'm not a miracle worker." She grumbles, raising from the bed and heading for the first aid kit.

"Yeah, no kidding." Jackie lets out the tiniest huff of laughter, exhausted but troublesome. Shauna grins sheepishly, laying the equipment at Jackie's side before hopping behind her again - doing the same routine that she did before - cleaning the area and helping her get all bandaged up. There's not much she can do about the bruising - and it'll only get worse - but at least it all seems relatively manageable for now.

Shauna finishes up as best she can, standing from the bed to put everything away, but when she turns back... she wishes she could've somehow mentally prepared for the moment Jackie looks up her. Hair tousled, shirtless, and sitting gallantly at the edge of the bed - doting eyes stuck to her. Shauna swallows... hesitantly scanning over Jackie's inviting, sweat-stained skin, peppered with little bruises and scuffs, muscles tight and in perfect form as always. And those eyes, set so steadily on Shauna - coaxing her, beguiling her...

"Anybody ever tell you it's rude to stare?" Jackie's voice rattles Shauna to her core - knees almost buckling at the sound of it.

"Uh - " Shauna quickly and fully turns away, horrified and searing with heat. Jackie bursts out laughing.

"Shipman, I'm just fucking with you." She reassures her, tugging at her shorts playfully. Shauna exhales in irritation and rolls her eyes.

"Jackie - " She groans, frustrated as ever. Jackie tugs at her harder, pulling Shauna so that their knees touch at the foot of the bed.

"Come on, Ship..."

"What?" Shauna whines, giving in - peeling her eyes open to look down at her. Fuck... how does Jackie look that good after getting into a fucking brawl? How is that even humanly possible?

"C'mere." Jackie coos, patting the spot next to her on the bed. Shauna obeys, and when she sits down beside her she realises that Jackie is glaring at her worriedly, studying her face... her nose specifically. Jackie raises a hand that gently lands on Shauna's cheek. Her thumb sprawls out, tracing the side of Shauna's nose, curious and concerned eyes training in on the spot.

"Does it hurt?" Jackie whispers - as if she isn't the one who just got decked in a parking lot.

"What? No - "

"I, um - I hit you... earlier." Jackie's voice grows a little distant, eyes lingering over the centre of Shauna's face guiltily.

"It's fine, it - it was an accident." Shauna reminds her. She reaches up and places her hand over Jackie's wrist - at first, she thinks, to pry her away - but she ends up just holding her there, stroking the spot absentmindedly. "Besides... you were kind of defending me out there too, y'know... it was sort out... heroic." Shauna teases, which thankfully makes Jackie laughs - sleepy but contagious enough to ripple through Shauna as well.

"Really? Heroic, huh?" Jackie hums, eyes narrowing in on her. She raises an eyebrow with a little pout. "Heroic, like - " She flexes her bicep with a tired, funny little grunt.

"Oh, you wish -" Shauna groans, with yet another eye roll, even as she giggles. Jackie's smug and pleased with herself as always, there with that trickster smile and mischievous look in her eyes. But the playful look dies down when she looks at Shauna again, seeing that little pink sore spot on the bridge of her nose... surrounded by the other pink warm spots on either side of her cheeks. Jackie remembers the little splotch of blood she saw under Shauna's nose in the parking lot, and her chest fills with guilt once again.

"I really am sorry, Ship." She says quietly, all withdrawn and upset in herself. Shauna sighs, ready to combat Jackie's apology once more - but Jackie's already fixated on the area, hovering over it as it calls to her.

"Jax, seriously, it's fine. I swear it doesn't even hurt - "

But Jackie isn't listening. She's moving. She doesn't exactly know why - or, maybe she does, actually - but she leans forward.

She shuts her eyes tightly, whilst Shauna's widen in anticipation...

Jackie's lips press to Shauna's nose, slotting tenderly over the gently throbbing, achy bridge. Shauna just stares at her in return - because what the fuck - Jackie is kissing her face. Not just like a small peck on the cheek in between hugs. She's kissing her with eyes fully closed, caressing Shauna's cheek, holding the kiss there... Shauna's hand instinctively flock to Jackie's shoulders, forgetting about her injuries for a brief moment. Jackie winces at the touch - releasing a tiny, high-pitched sound that makes Shauna eyes flutter and mouth water.

"Sorry." Shauna chokes out, letting her hands fall down to Jackie's less injured waist - sweaty hands delicately pressing into warm, sensitive skin. Jackie inhales softly at the feeling, and Shauna glares even harder at her. Jackie's brow's knitted in concentration, cheeks flushed and warm, gripping Shauna's face tighter, kissing her harder. She releases an exhale slowly. A deep, agonising sigh that Shauna feels all over her face and neck, making the hair on the back of her neck stand on edge. She shudders unwillingly, and Jackie feels it, steadying her. Shauna rubs a thumb into Jackie's waist, maybe a little too brazenly, and the motion stirs Jackie. She pulls away, blinking as she finds Shauna staring.

It's new, different. In all her years of knowing Shauna, she's never seen her like this. Not with that fucking look. Those boundless, dark treacle eyes, reaching into her, prying her open, enticing her body forward again.

"Jax, wait." Shauna whispers, flustered and red, pressing lightly into Jackie's waist once more. Jackie stalls at the touch, eyes frantically tracing Shauna's expression, trying to read her. Shauna shakes her head, eyes fluttering as she musters up the courage to speak. "Jackie, we should... we need to talk about this..."

Jackie hears a ringing in her ears. Eyes already starting to water as they burn into Shauna's. Because Shauna's just fucking acknowledged it, out loud, properly again. Jackie's tongue goes numb, unable to form a response, not even in her head. Shauna's hands slowly slip off Jackie's waist, and Jackie almost has the mind to grab them back but she doesn't.

"Just now in - in the car... I mean that was..." Shauna has to stop herself. There's a small tilt to her head as the rest of the words die in her mouth, hitched up under her tongue, sliding back down. Jackie clears her throat, slightly embarrassed as Shauna presses on. "Jackie, what - what was that?" She asks, like she doesn't already know. Jackie feels her face wash over with heat just thinking about it... how Shauna's hand had gripped her knee, how Jackie had urged it lower, feeling those warm, twitching fingers right on the edge of her shorts... Jackie's lips quiver open, but instead of a sentence, it's a tiny strangled sound, muffled at the back of her mouth. Shauna's taken aback by it, watching as Jackie's adoring doe eyes grow red and shiny. Jackie tries harder this time, forcing the muscles in her vocal cords to move.

"I don't - I don't know, Shauna... I just..." She speaks - and she lies. Shauna knows it too.

"Do you... really not know?" Shauna asks slowly, shifting on the bed as her eyes narrow in on her. She sounds hurt. Jackie can see that her little lie has stirred something in the girl opposite her, eyes darting over Shauna's jaw as it clenches. Seeing Shauna in pain always makes Jackie do stupid things. Like pick a fight with a six foot tall bully in the middle of a carpark. Or say dumb things, dumb but true things, things like -

"Shauna, you're... you're my best-fucking-friend... you know that right?" Jackie's chest hurts just saying it. Shauna sees the look in her eyes, and reaches over to take her hand without hesitation.

"I know - I know, and you're my best-friend too, Jax." Shauna whispers back hastily, voice already breaking and quivering. Jackie blinks back the tears in her eyes, preparing herself for the worst. But, as always, Shauna is there to wipe the tears away. Delicate, cautious hands smoothing out over her cheeks, eyes filled with concern and affection as the tears fall. Jackie nods, neck straining and she tries to keep her composure. She feels Shauna run a thumb over her knuckles, anchoring her in place, keeping her sane. Jackie keeps the eye contact steady, even as the ache in her chest grows wilder, and her lips part to speak again.

"Then you know that I... I would never, ever do anything to - to jeopardise, y'know... what we have." She pauses for a beat, only to breathe shakily - before releasing the tiniest, most explosive word of all...

"...but..."

The word is barely audible between them.

Shauna's brows twitch slightly, staring at her... silent and knowing.

And as Jackie looks at her, she thinks of who Shauna is - who Shauna was - who they were, together. Remembering the two of them here in this very room, on this very bed. Back when they were much, much smaller. Giddy and curled up together, hiding under the blankets, kicking their feet and giggling, sharing stories under the glow of a flashlight. The same flashlight that sits by them now, stained with specks of blood, discarded next to a pile of blotted crimson tissues. She thinks of the way Shauna had smiled at her then... honey-sweet awe, toothy and wondrous... But that was before any of this ever existed. This - whatever it is. Because this has made them different.

"But, what? Jackie?" Shauna's voice brings Jackie back to present day. And gone is that sheepish Shauna-smile. What remains are those dark brown, lustrous eyes that Shauna keeps burrowing into her, tunnelling deeper and deeper, burying herself inside of her. Knitted brows sitting low and questioning, a focused crease between them, and little pink patches either side of her nose that rise in temperature. And then her lips... parted and full, glistening slightly as tiny, trembling breaths flow in and out of her. Jackie fixates on the little opening and the air that passes through it...

...Shauna follows Jackie's gaze as it falls. Brow twitching, eyes blowing out wide when she realises Jackie's stare has snagged on her mouth. Trapped under her stare, Shauna feels heat spreading all over. Jackie's looked at her a million times, but never like this... hungry eyes, iridescent in the light, swirls of amber and hazel locked on Shauna's lips in a blinding concentration. Shauna finds something vaguely familiar in her expression, something that she can't quite place...

Jealously. Jackie is jealous. Jealous of those little, heated breaths. Jealous of the way they float through Shauna, inside of Shauna. Jealous of how they part her lips, how they roll over her tongue and slide down her throat, jealous of how they fill her up so effortlessly... she's jealous of oxygen. Jackie's jealous of the fucking air. She wants to be it, she wants to be effortless. She wants to be what parts her lips. She wants to fucking kiss her.

"Jax?" She watches Shauna's lips form her name, quiet and breathy... but it's more than just her name, it's a question. She looks up from Shauna's mouth for the first time in a long time, and finds Shauna fucking glaring, almost out of her skull. Frantic, expectant eyes that never leave hers, perilously searching for something inside of Jackie. Shauna finds it. Swallowing the knot in her throat and deciding to mimic Jackie. She stares Jackie's lips, before reconnecting their eyes, and then back again, and again... but it's not just a look - she's trying to ask...

Jackie's eyes widen in realisation, staring right back at her.

Shauna's asking for permission...

Jackie freezes up, staying stagnant long enough to watch a flare of trepidation bloom in Shauna's eyes... but then, another little breath passes between Shauna's mouth, and Jackie's shellshocked stare locks back onto the alluring, open parting of Shauna's lips again. She watches the air slip into her mouth, past her teeth, disappearing... sinking into the depths of her... and that's all it takes.

And in a jealous haze, Jackie nods... because that breath should be hers.

Shauna lingers for a moment, because Jackie actually granted her permission. She watches an agonising, tempting bead of sweat roll down Jackie's neck, and Shauna's vision goes blurry. Soon, Jackie feels Shauna's hands on her waist again - warm, sweaty, shivering - and pulling her closer. Jackie doesn't even blink. She wants to watch as Shauna's face closes in on her. She needs it to be real. Their eyes remain locked even as their noses brush, a soft and gentle graze, one that makes Jackie's heart scamper in her chest.

Shauna waits there for only a second longer, half expecting Jackie to push off of her, but she doesn't. The pause allows enough time for her breath to rock against Jackie's lips, and Shauna gets her answer, watching as Jackie leans in for it, eager to capture the breath for her own... It sends Shauna's brain into a paralysing overdrive, seeing nothing but white hot light as she closes the gap between them, lifting her chin. Shauna presses her lips fervently onto hers. Shauna is kissing her.

Their eyes flutter shut. Hearts pounding loud enough crack ribs. Shauna hears a short, panicked inhale against her - but before she can even think of pulling away, Jackie's hands are digging into either side of her face - locking her into place, crushing her mouth against Shauna's in return. Jackie is kissing her back. Even though it was Jackie who granted Shauna permission - it's her who kisses back harder, more desperate than Shauna - tears in her eyes, smearing against Shauna's cheeks. Shauna is careful of her hands, hyperaware of every scuff and bruise on Jackie's body.

Jackie, however, isn't as concerned - not when her head is spinning like this. She's sure that kissing her is making her drunk. Is there a chance she's concussed? Yeah, probably - but she pays it no mind. There's no time to think about that. Not when she finally has her hands in Shauna's hair, pressing her fingertips into her scalp and jaw in a tenacious grip. Not when she's taking her in, inhaling each breath after her, still jealous of the oxygen.

Not when she's kissing her, grinding her lips into her with a sense of urgency, aching to be closer and closer - pushing into her so enthusiastically that Shauna has a throw a hand back on the bed to stop them from falling. But Jackie wants them to fall, slithering her arms around Shauna's neck and fastening them around her, pushing until Shauna gets the hint. She lets Jackie drive her backwards to the headboard - haphazardly jamming the pillows up against it so Shauna can sit back slightly slacked. Jackie, as impatient as she is, still takes great care in setting Shauna down, before slotting herself on top of her.

The feeling of being pinned down by Jackie, captured between her legs and lips, sends Shauna into a heated spiral. She secures her arms around Jackie's waist, tight and careless now, winding their bodies closer together. She's rewarded by a high, pitchy sound in Jackie's throat - one that only makes her hungrier. She kisses further, trailing from the corner of Jackie's mouth to her jaw, forcing through Jackie's unyielding arms to get to her neck. Jackie's mouth flies open with a sharp, wounded gasp when Shauna kisses her there. Shauna holds her in place, needing more - more of her, more of those sounds. The soft, wet kiss turns to tongue and teeth, digging into the sweet spot on her neck, as if to devour her. And Shauna is rewarded once again as Jackie writhes in her lap, releasing a louder, surprised moan right in her ear that almost knocks Shauna unconscious.

"Shauna - " Jackie whines, in a slightly warning tone, pressing her hands against her. Hearing Jackie say her name like that draws a crucial sigh from Shauna as well, hands subconsciously travelling up Jackie's back, pressing into her very injured shoulders, as she ravishes her neck again. "Shauna!" Jackie gasps, hands flying to Shauna's arms, tugging gently. Shauna instantly leaves Jackie's neck and releases the grip on her bandaged shoulders.

"Fuck, sorry - " Shauna whispers alertly, but Jackie kisses her again quickly, putting an end to the apology.

"Shut up." She orders against her lips, her adjusting herself on Shauna's lap. Shauna's hands easily find their place on Jackie again, and it makes Jackie's brain melt even more. This is nothing - absolutely nothing like kissing Jeff. She doesn't itch when Shauna touches her, her fingers don't grate over her skin. She's all soft and warm, passionate and affectionate. She isn't constantly checking the time or trying to think of anything else - she's there, she's present - and she's eager. She feels Shauna everywhere, and she keeps wanting more and more.

She didn't know it was meant to be like this... to feel like this... She didn't even know it was possible to want anything this badly. Jackie starts to fully realise, that maybe Jackie has never let herself truly want before, not until recently. And now here she is, learning to want for the first time. And she wants whatever Shauna's doing. She feels Shauna's hands, now gentle again, as they explore her curiously. Running over her thighs, stomach and waist - dipping behind her to grab her ass - which makes the remaining prudish side of Jackie blush shyly. Shauna knows Jackie too well and she senses it, releasing her grip and retreating to the safety of Jackie's hips.

"Too much?"

"No." Jackie grins into the kiss, feeling Shauna's lips do the same. And then Shauna starts doing something that Jackie always thought she hated. But then again, she realises now that she only hated it because it was Jeff. She feels Shauna tongue push out of her mouth, hot and wet, almost courteously pressing against the parting of Jackie's lips. Jackie she wishes it didn't make her think of how gross it felt when Jeff used to do it. But this is Shauna, and Shauna is better than that. She feels better, she sounds better, she smells better - she's intoxicating - and Jackie wants to know if she tastes better too.

When it happens again, Jackie curiously meets Shauna's tongue with her own - and just like before, that's all the permission Shauna needs to lunge onwards, hurtling into her. And suddenly Shauna's tongue's in her mouth, and her hands are raking Jackie's cheeks. Jackie's eyes flutter as they roll back, because it's never felt like this with Jeff, not even close... But she really fucking wishes her injuries could disappear, just for a moment - because just like with her shoulders, Shauna accidentally presses a little too hard on her cheeks, and in her mouth - breaking the, still raw, scrapes from the fight.

"Ow, fuck - " Jackie makes a sharp, painful sound, and Shauna quickly pulls away. Shauna's eyes are wide, and there's blood on her lips and tongue, belonging Jackie. Jackie winces, rubbing a palm over the side of her face as her mouth starts tasting of blood again.

"Shit - shit, I'm sorry, Jax - " Before Shauna can even finish that thought, Jackie is already shushing her, soothingly rubbing her hands on Shauna's shoulders.

"It's - it's fine, really - " Jackie tells her, swallowing the blood that pools under her tongue. Shauna is glaring at her like she did this to her somehow, as if it was her in that parking lot, swinging up at her. She looks fucking cute, even when she's angry at herself for the stupidest of reasons. A little, exhausted, love-drunk huff of laughter leaves Jackie's mouth - making Shauna look very, very confused. "Look, can we maybe, um..." Jackie breathes, leaning into Shauna so that she's fully flush up against her again. "Can we maybe, like... just cuddle, or something, instead? I mean, I'm - I'm still pretty fucked up, Ship." She suggests in between breaths, cheeks burning as she starts to process just what the fuck happened between them.

"Uh, yeah - yeah, of course." Shauna nods in agreement, equally as breathless. She adjusts the pillows to lie flat and tries to be as gentle as possible when she guides Jackie down with her. Jackie drapes half of herself over Shauna, nestling her head over her chest, keeping her back from touching the sheets.

"Is, um... is this okay?" Jackie murmurs unsurely. She can feel Shauna's chest rise and fall with each breath, hearing her heart beat bounding in her ear.

"Yeah." Shauna says, and Jackie can practically hear the smile in her voice. It makes her grin too, as they lay there for a moment, limbs woven and tangled in each other, breathing each others air. Jackie's eyes are still wide as ever, glaring even as she lays soundly in Shauna's arms, over her chest... because what the fuck. Shauna fucking kissed her. Shauna Shipman fucking kissed her, and she had kissed back. More than that - Shauna had been on her neck, Shauna had been inside her mouth... Shauna had ran her hands over her when she was shirtless, Shauna had grabbed her ass...

"Holy shit, what - what the fuck - " Jackie pants suddenly, stunned. She doesn't hear anything above her for a moment - until Shauna's chest starts shaking - and Jackie realises she's fucking laughing.

"Yeah - " Shauna wheezes, hushed and hasty. "Yeah, what the fuck - " As Shauna's laughter grows, Jackie's starts, catching up relatively quickly. And soon they're laying there, holding onto each other preciously, cracking up - red in the face and gasping for air.

"Does this, um - " Jackie swallows mid-sentence, still giggling. "Does this make up for last night?" When she asks, she feels Shauna hug her closer to her body, and it makes her eyes briefly flutter shut.

"Almost." Shauna teases lowly into her hair.

"Almost, huh?" Jackie grins, jaw rolling as an idea bubbles up inside of her. "Wait here." She has to wriggle out of Shauna's grasp, mostly because Shauna desperately does not want Jackie's body to leave hers now that she's felt it this way.

"Why?" Shauna whines, flashing those dark brown, baby cow eyes.

"Trust me." Jackie stumbles slightly once she's on her feet, disappearing into her walk-in closet. Shauna lays there for a moment, staring after her - frozen in total disbelief before a smile trickles onto her face. Because, yeah... holy fuck... Jackie fucking kissed her back. Jesus fucking Christ, Jackie Taylor kissed her back. "So, about that party last night... I know you heard Lucy back there say I'm in the GSA - " Jackie calls from inside the walk-in. The phrase alone makes Shauna's cheeks burn and smile widen. Jackie Taylor's in the fucking GSA. Jackie Taylor kissed back. Shauna's attention stirs back to the walk-in as she hears Jackie's footsteps slowly approaching the door. "In case you wanted to see what all the fuss was about..." Jackie sighs, right at the door now. And what Shauna sees in front of her, makes her immediately sit up in the bed - jaw flying open, eyes widening and ferociously fucking glaring forward...

Jackie stands before her... bruised and bandaged, still shirtless, with the exception of a smart-casual blazer draped over her shoulders - and a fucking cowboy hat on her head...

"So... this is Sheriff Taylor, or whatever... it was Mel's dumb idea."

Shauna gapes at her in silence for several seconds, neck craning as she blinks... until Jackie pinches the brim of the hat and tips it, nodding at Shauna...

"Ms. Shipman - "

Jackie barely gets the word out before Shauna collapses into a gut-wrenching, eye-watering, hysterical fit of laughter. Jackie just grins, doing a little spin for her - same as they always do when they're getting ready together. It would take a long, long time for Shauna to settle down enough to get back to cuddling, but Jackie never stops smiling, even when it hurts to be held. She's in a fucking daze, and so is Shauna. The only thing that keeps Jackie from thinking it's a dream is when the little scuffs and bruises on her body light up any time something brushes against them.

They still have a lot to talk about. The journal, Lucy, what happened at camp, the soccer vs hockey fight, her GSA meetings, everything, even soccer practise tomorrow - but they stay silent for the most part. Sinking into each other, drinking in the moment. All that stuff doesn't matter right now. Because for once they aren't hiding anything from each other or teetering around sensitive subjects, for once they're not being petty or passive-aggressive and not saying what they truly mean.

They're just Jackie and Shauna, clinging to each other as they always have been their entire lives.

Everything else can wait.

Chapter Text

Jackie used to play dead in the mornings.

She always hoped the tactic would eventually work on Jeff, but much to her dismay it never did. So there she stayed, forcing a fake yawn and pretending like she hadn't been actively ignoring him for ten minutes straight. It's kind of crazy actually, how much time she spent wondering if she loved him, because post-Shauna, Jackie realises that she actually might've even hated him. Everything about him. She even hated Jeff when he was asleep. She hated the way he would spoon her, trapping her there, making her feeling suffocated and nauseous. Enveloped by calloused hands, itchy stubble and cheap cologne.

Jackie doesn't mean to brag, but she's pretty sure she's already doing a better job than him. Laying with her front pressed up against Shauna's back, an arm snaked under her pillow and the other draped over Shauna's waist, fingers loosely intertwined in hers. Jackie never pushes. She stays light, soft and cautious. Her nose grazes the nape of Shauna's neck as she leans closer, settling in her hair.

In all her years of cuddling, it's never occurred to her that she could actually be a big spoon. Yet here she is, naturally assuming the position and easily melting into it. It makes her feel strong and slightly protective, maybe even a touch powerful. Her nose brushes against Shauna's neck again - and it's a deadly, slippery slope - because soon she's pressing her lips to the spot once, and then twice, and then again. She's as delicate as possible until she hears a soft, tired sigh in front of her. Jackie retaliates a bit, cheeks going a little warm as she realises... fuck, Shauna's awake.

"Uh - "

"Hey... you busy?" There's a teasing smile dripping from Shauna's sleepy voice. Jackie feels Shauna's hand come alive in hers, locking their fingers together a little tighter.

"Hey." Jackie murmurs into her hair, still a little bug-eyed from being caught red-handed. "Sorry, did... did I wake you up just now?" She asks guiltily, eyes stoking with worry.

"No." Shauna lies, bringing Jackie's hand up to her face and planting a lethargic kiss to the palm of her hand. Jackie blushes into Shauna's hair, especially when Shauna cradles her hand over her chest, clutching it possessively to her sternum. "And, um... you can keep going if you want." Shauna tells her quietly. It makes Jackie peak up from behind her, squinting at the clock on her bedside table.

"Hate to break it to you but we've gotta get up soon, Ship." The moment she says it, Shauna is already groaning into the pillow.

"Seriously?" Shauna still sounds half-asleep - croaky and whining and cute. Jackie grins at the languid exclamation, laying her chin over Shauna's shoulder. And honestly, it's a bad idea, having Shauna's skin so close to Jackie's lips again. Especially when Shauna's so warm, so inviting.

"Dead serious." Jackie confirms quietly against her, giving Shauna's fingers a playful squeeze as she sinks into her shoulder again. Shauna sighs at the contact, all wistful and drawn-out. The sound stirs something inside of Jackie, and suddenly she can't stop thinking about last night and those fucking noises Shauna coaxed out of her... and how badly Jackie wants to hear what Shauna's sound like... Jackie glances at the bedside clock again with blinking eyes, deep in thought.

"Okay, maybe just... maybe just one more." She stammers, and she doesn't need to look at Shauna to know she probably has a stupid, sleepily smug expression on her face. Jackie blushes, because god - since when was she this weak-kneed? She could deny Jeff in a second, before he even has the nerve to ask, but now... She's giving in feebly, leaning forward to press another gentle kiss to Shauna's neck... but it truly is a slippery slope, and she finds herself planting another on her cheek before forcing herself to stop, laying back against her.

"Did I just score a two-for-one deal?" Shauna teases, irritating and frustrating as ever, even when she sounds all drowsy and endearing.

"Yeah, I was feeling generous. Count yourself lucky, Shipman." Jackie grumbles into her, hearing a tiny huff of laughter from the girl against her. Jesus fucking Christ, the girl against her. Jackie has a girl in her bed, and not just any girl - she's the girl, the only girl. Shauna shifts, turning in Jackie's arms to meet her gaze, all sluggish and ruffled. It makes Jackie grin instantly, but it doesn't last long, not when Shauna's eyes widen in concern at the sight of her.

"Jackie, you, um - you don't look so good." She states, slowly and softly, peering closer.

"Sheesh, some pillow-talk you've got there - "

"No, Jackie, seriously." Shauna lifts onto her elbow, gently cupping Jackie's face, turning her carefully and trying to get a better look at her. "You have a black eye." She observes worriedly.

"You're fucking kidding." Jackie sits up, and by god does it hurt. She winces - shoulders and back still killing her. Shauna helps Jackie up off the bed without another word, hot on Jackie's heels as she stumbles to the mirror. Shauna's right, Jackie's bruises have only gotten darker. It's natural progression for bruises but still, a black eye is pretty gnarly. She cringes, already trying to think of ways to sneak passed her parents without causing a scene. She has a short-lived brainstorming session before clasping her hands together, nodding.

"Okay, so - game plan - I'm thinking long sleeves and sunglasses. That should be fine, right?" Jackie says eventually, and as she paces in front of the mirror.

"What about concealer?"

"I mean... I would but I've got a cut under my eye... and putting concealer over broken skin is a probably not smart idea." Jackie murmurs pensively, peering closer into her reflection. Shauna flops back down on the bed with her face in her hands.

"Fuck, Jax..." She sighs, sitting up a bit to scratch the side of her neck as she racks her brain. "Maybe you should... I dunno, stay home today or something?" Jackie whips around at the suggestion and is immediately shaking her head.

"Nope, no way - Shauna, we have practice."

"Yeah and I admire your dedication but you're, like - totally fucked up right now, Jackie." Shauna protests, eyes swimming with concern. She goes to stand again but Jackie playfully nudges her back down into the bed, grinning sheepishly. The concern in Shauna's eyes immediately flushes out, suddenly replaced with surprise... maybe even excitement. Jackie blinks as the air in the room starts to tighten around them.

"Yeah, well I can - I can still play. Besides, we haven't been out there as a proper team in actual weeks, it's... it's fucking shameful at this rate." She insists anyways, drawing a predictably frustrated sigh out of Shauna. Jackie realises just how close they are, with their feet slotted between each other, knees brushing at the foot of the bed. Shauna opens her mouth to object again but Jackie beats her to it, covering Shauna's mouth with her hand without a second thought.

"You can't make me change my mind. I'm team captain and I get to decide if I play or not." She's firm with her answer. Nonetheless, she still expects some kickback from Shauna as always, but it doesn't happen this time. Shauna just stares up at her with those sweet, glimmering puppy dog eyes - cheeks growing pink and warm against Jackie's fingers - mouth shivering over the palm of her hand. Jackie's throat restricts, immediately getting flashes from last night again, feeling Shauna in-between her fucking legs. Shauna's hands all over her, Shauna's mouth in her neck, Shauna's teeth, Shauna's tongue...

...now pressing childishly against her palm. Jackie recoils, extracting her hand from Shauna's face to reveal the stupid, boyish smile behind it.

"Don't be gross." Jackie whines, wiping her palm on her shorts. She steps back, about to get her things ready to shower, when Shauna mutters something back.

"Gross, huh? That's weird, I thought you liked it yesterday." She teases under her breath. Jackie pauses, tilting her head as she stares down at her. Shauna pretends to look anywhere else but at her, fighting off a satisfied grin. Jackie's brow twitches at the possibility of a challenge.

"What was that?" She quips, leaning down to her as if to listen in closely. Shauna finally meets her gaze in surprise, feigning innocence.

"Who, me?"

"Yeah, you, fuckface." Jackie's too impatient for her own good. The knee-jerk reaction just makes Shauna grin wider. "Have you always been this cocky, Shipman?" Jackie steps on Shauna's foot, quick and dangerous, making Shauna swat her away her leg with a laugh and a tiny 'ow'. Jackie goes to do it again, continuing. "Or is this just the asshole you become when you find out somebody likes you?" She jabs at her foot again, but this time Shauna catches her knee in her hands, holding it firmly between hers. Jackie, still grinning stupidly, tries to step on Shauna again but it's no use, especially not when she meets Shauna's eyes and finds her looking like that... those hypnotic dark whirlpools that make Jackie fucking weak. Staring up at her hazily, almost drunkenly in a stupor, pupils flickering as she speaks.

"You, um... you like me?" Shauna asks through with foggy gaze. Oh... oh fuck. Jackie feels her smile start to deteriorate, eyes widening as she stares down at her, face growing even hotter as Shauna absentmindedly massages Jackie's knee in her hands. Jackie tries to regain some composure, clearing her throat as she folds her arms over her chest.

"No, actually. I spooned you all night because I can't fucking stand you, obviously." She swallows the knot in her throat, watching a simper starting to build on Shauna's lips again.

"Oh, you can't stand me?"

"Duh." Jackie replies, snorting, speaking all sharp and high. "What? Was I not clear about that or something?"

"You can't stand me, so you... pushed me into the headboard and sat on my lap...?" Shauna asks slowly, keeping her voice low, letting each syllable sink into her. Jackie's eyes flicker up to the as the ceiling as she nods, ears burning now. Shauna's grin only grows bigger, still rubbing little trails into Jackie's knee as she continues. "And you were touching me and you were moaning and you were - "

"Listen, loser - that was something called a power move, I doubt your dumbass has heard of it - "

Shauna snorts with laughter before Jackie can even finish, leaning forward, resting her forehead into Jackie's hip as she giggles. The act is up, and Jackie lets herself grin alongside Shauna, bashful chuckles humming out of her chest too as she blushes darker. Jackie rolls her eyes. God, she's so fucking stupid. Frustrating and fucking stupid. She catches a glimpse of the clock on her bedside table and sighs begrudgingly.

"Come on. We gotta get moving, for real." Jackie grumbles, reaching down and patting Shauna's head affectionately. Shauna looks up at her and oh - Jackie's hand falls naturally into her hair. Meanwhile Shauna's still touching her knee, caressing her skin, making her brain all woozy. "That means you have to stop... doing all that, or whatever." Jackie murmurs, with her thoughts all muddled and funny again.

"Why?" Shauna grins, decadent incisors on display. "You gonna power move me again or something?" She asks, eyes narrowing over the phrase. Jackie's jaw rolls through a smirk, pressing her knee slightly in Shauna's hands.

"And what if I do?" She cocks her head to the side playfully, asking the next question in a hoarse whisper. "Is that gonna be a problem?"

The sentences cajoles a slow, purposeful exhale from the girl beneath her... and then Shauna's hands are travelling up the sides of Jackie's thighs... the sensation lights Jackie's face up in alarm.

"No." Shauna hardly emits the word. Jackie stares, she stares because Shauna's eyes have gone dark. More than her usual deep brown, they're almost pitch black as she looks up at Jackie, hands still cruising up her body. "Do you worst."

"My worst?" Jackie's voice is distant, leaving her body vacant. She watches the way that Shauna's fingers traverse her skin. Meanwhile Shauna just shrugs her shoulders, almost tranquil as she shakes her head.

"Yeah, sure, it's... whatever you want."

Jackie's chest flutters, and Shauna's hands reach her hips - pulling... Jackie's body is on autopilot, luring her forward. Suddenly her knees are pressing into the bedsheets, and Shauna's fingers are cramming into her waist, coaxing her onto her lap with a small thud. Shauna's hands are strong against her, stabilising her in place. Jackie doesn't move a muscle at this point. She's not even sure if she fucking breathes. She just stares. Stares down at her, stares into her. Jackie feels her lip trembling open to ask.

"Uh, what - "

"I think you heard me the first time, Jax."

She did. Jackie did hear her the first time, she heard it clearer than anything she's ever heard before. Her gaze is frantically searching the expression staring back at her, because Shauna Shipman is a gentle birdwatcher and smug fucking bastard. One with eyes that split Jackie in two when she presses their bodies together harder, nose-to-nose, eyes coasting over Jackie's lips and flickering with anticipation... and that's all it takes.

Jackie draws sweaty hands over Shauna's shoulders and shuts her eyes, chin tilted and waiting... but she doesn't have to wait long - because Shauna eagerly takes the invitation and pushes forward, remaining gentle - connecting their lips agonisingly slow. Jackie sinks into her the second she feels her there. Completely relaxing in her arms, tugging her closer, needing more of her instantly.

God, this is going to become a fucking problem.

Shauna can tell too, lacing her arms behind Jackie - squeezing her body in a way that makes Jackie's breath feel restricted and urgent. There's a pitchy, surprised noise again in the back of Jackie's mouth that makes Shauna's heartbeat slam in her temples. So she squeezes tighter - and Jackie writhes against her, kissing feverishly, threading her fingers through Shauna's hair and tugging softly at the strands.

Jackie thinks she hears something tiny ripple out of Shauna's throat, but it's barely audible, and that fucking haunts her. She's starting to realise that maybe Shauna doesn't do soft, and she isn't sure how she feels about that just yet - not when her brain feels like a liquid that's just spilling out of her, sloshing onto her bedroom floor as she kisses her blindly. Jackie instinctively leads Shauna down into the sheets, because she doesn't want it to end, desperate to figure out exactly what Shauna means by whatever you want...

...but the sound of ceramic tableware crashing downstairs makes their mouths click apart - shooting petrified glares at Jackie's bedroom door, breathing hot and hard against each other. After a second or so of silence, they hear Jackie's parents having a muffled discussion on the floor below.

"Fuck, okay." Jackie breathes, pressing her hands into Shauna's shoulders, going to peel off of her. "We should, um - "

"Yeah, totally - " Shauna doesn't protest. They both rush to get their things organised, speeding through a morning routine together in silence, red-faced and sweating.

God, yeah... this is going to become a seriously deadly fucking problem.

Jackie forgot the part where her parents genuinely couldn't give two shits if she skips a meal or not, in fact, her mom often encourages it. They don't even ask about why their daughter is leaving the house wearing sunglasses and avoiding eyecontact. It's gonna be a brutal day, Jackie knows this much. Practise is almost always painful, but being this sore isn't going to help at all.

At least they have their car ride together. At least their knuckles can touch over the centre console, sometimes poking at each other - fingers dawdling in each others palms - occasionally loosely connecting - but never actually holding hands. Because that, of course, would be too much... right?

Classes are generally unremarkable - nothing new there. But what is new, is how their eyes connect across their desks. Glimmering as they catch the light, blushing and warm. Stupid smiles for stupid people. They've done a rendition of this dance their entire lives. Lost in their own world, the land of Jackie and Shauna, only the terrain isn't quite the same anymore, not since their plates shifted.

They're still Jackie and Shauna, but, different. Better versions, maybe. Versions that do more productive things, like eating side by side in the GSA lunchroom... mostly because the canteen always fucking reeks and people are still whispering about Jackie and Jeff - but also because Jackie has a plethora of student-sourced queer media recommendations to return.

After quelling Mel and Gen's justified concerns over her injuries, she empties her bag out on the table and they sort through the recs together. All the while, Shauna's eyes are wild, chasing each book and tape that slides across... because Jesus Christ, Jackie's been fucking busy.

Shauna's flustered stare catches Mel and Gen's attention. They smirk knowingly between themselves before glancing over at Jackie, who shoots them a quick please shut the fuck up expression with a tilt of her head. They get the message loud and clear, composing themselves.

"This is, um... this is a lot." Shauna clears her throat, cheeks slightly pinkish. Jackie wonders if this is what she looked like when she got recognised in the GSA with Nat for the first time. Like a frightened, wounded animal, cowering in her seat and glancing between the group of them.

"Yeah, well - what can I say? I'm a chronic overachiever." Jackie grumbles with a playfully complacent undertone, eyebrow cocked. Shauna half-laughs, still trying her best not to glare at everything in front of her, but each piece of media is something new and shiny - dangling tantalisingly right in front of her. Meanwhile, Jackie slides a little, battered book over to Gen specifically, and their gazes connect cautiously over the table.

"I just wanted to say thanks again for the, um...well, just everything, actually." Jackie strains, mouth shivering slightly as she searches for the words. She wants to say more, she really does, but she feels the pressure of Shauna's eyes at the table - and suddenly she's freezing again.

"Of course, anytime." Gen says, nodding patiently. She reaches over the book and touches Jackie's hand, which makes Shauna's brow furrow. Firstly out of confusion... and then out of jealousy. Because she just wouldn't be Shauna without it. But the encouraging touch is enough to help Jackie get out of her icy state, stirring her alive again.

"I know we talked about at the party, but... you were right." Jackie pushes out, making both Mel and Gen glance up at her in slight surprise. "It was actually super helpful... and y'know, it worked good, or whatever." They all share a look between them that makes Shauna shift anxiously on the spot. She peeks - as inconspicuously as she can - trying to read the title underneath their hands.

"I'm glad, Jackie." Gen barely whispers, squeezing Jackie's hand once more before slipping away... and Shauna gets a read to read the title. 'Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence'. She feels her knees almost give way beneath her, suddenly becoming all blood and no bones.

"Speaking of the party, maybe you can join us next time, Shipman?" Mel nudges her elbow across the table - jolting Shauna out of her hypnotised state. They're all kind of smirking at her, and Shauna feels slightly warm under their collective gaze.

"I, uh - "

"C'mon - what'd you say, cowboy?" Mel asks with that stupid mock Southern accent of hers that makes both Gen and Jackie roll their eyes and groan. Shauna, though, gets a little chuckle out of it.

"Yeah, why not." She replies through a breathy giggle. Mel reaches over and gives Shauna's shoulder an encouraging, brotherly shake.

"Good to have you on board, partner." Mel's actually kind of a charmer. Shauna didn't know that, and it catches her off-guard slightly. Then Mel's eyes light up as she remembers something, clicking her fingers at Jackie. "Speaking of which, a few of us are watching 'Bound' at the cinema tomorrow, if you wanna join?" Mel then shifts the pointed finger to Shauna as well, going between them. Luckily Shauna isn't looking at Jackie's face... because Jackie's eyes widen at Mel's proposition and she quickly kicks her under the table.

"What's, uh... what's 'Bound'?" Shauna asks curiously, thankfully not picking up on the interaction.

"Oh, y'know, just the good stuff..." Gen pouts, pressing her chin into the palm of her hand as she leans on the table sighing dramatically and longingly. "Gangsters, riches, violence, grand theft - "

" - hot lesbian romance - "

" - yeah, that too." Gen nods once to the side, chuckling at Mel's insistent interjection. Both Shauna and Jackie are getting a little warm-faced and ruffled, laughing breathily.

"That sounds - "

" - awesome." Shauna finishes before Jackie, and they share a pretty alarmed look that doesn't go unnoticed between Mel and Gen.

"...Alright, cool." Mel grins, snaking an arm over Gen's shoulders, pulling her against her. "It's a date." The words spark daggers in Jackie's eyes, firing right into Mel's. Shauna's stare is one of shock, almost crushing the water bottle in her hand. "For us, I mean - " Mel quickly backtracks, pointing between herself and Gen. Shauna blinks back a bit - only just realising that the vibe she's been getting off of Mel and Gen has suddenly been confirmed.

"Yeah - obviously." Jackie smiles through the urge to rip Mel's dumb hat off and stomp it to the ground. She glares at Gen for safety, who also shares the surprise in her own expression as well. Mel winces, because little do they know, but Gen's doing Jackie a favour by drawing her nails into Mel's knee - a little reminder to tone it down. Mel exhales with a little smile.

"Sweet, see you guys tomorrow." She wheezes, patting Gen on the back in the hopes of being relinquished from hers claws.

"Did you forget that we have soccer later, dumbass?" Gen reminds her, tilting her head as she speaks. Mel sighs in relief as Gen retracts her hand from her knee.

"See, now this is why you've been on the bench." Jackie teases - and Mel immediately scoffs in surprise. Gen giggles, and Shauna has to put a hand over her mouth to stop herself from doing the same.

"First off - "

"Shhh - don't fight it, baby - she's got a point." Gen whispers playfully. Mel glares at her betrayer in disbelief, even as Gen soothingly goes to rub Mel's shoulder.

"Fuck you." Mel grumbles, followed by a smile. She's rewarded as Gen leans in to press a sweet, short kiss to her lips. Meanwhile, Jackie and Shauna's eyes are both caught on the little exchange - especially on how easily the pet name 'baby' fell from Gen's lips, and how effortless it looked to just kiss each other like that.

It's an almost painful image, one that marinates between them silently for the remainder of the day. They spend the rest of their classes actually attempting to focus. Jackie stays particularly lowkey until the last class for the day - when she rolls a window of opportunity down for Shauna that she seizes immediately - eyes lighting up when Jackie slides a note onto her desk.

jackie: we dont have to go with mel and gen if you dont want to

Shauna frowns before writing back.

shauna: i want to. they seem cool

She watches as Jackie thinks over the reply, swallowing nervously as she writes.

jackie: and disgustingly cute. trust me i know

Shauna glares at the note, and her cheeks start to get warm because yes - yes, they're definitely disgustingly cute. Shauna finds herself grinning shyly, and she's sure she catches Jackie doing the same out the corner of her eye. She rolls her pencil in her hand, staring at the note as she thinks through her reply. She can feel sweat down the back of her neck as she clears her throat, periodically glancing at the teacher again as she writes. She finishes, glaring furiously at the sentence, just about ready to erase it and start over, but then she feels Jackie's eyes on her... and she thinks of how Jackie looked at her this morning, and last night... kissing her...

Shauna decides to go for it, hastily folding the paper back up and passing it over.

shauna: i'll go if you admit it's a date.

Jackie goes completely still next to her, and Shauna feels an unmistakeable wave of terror - but also pride. She's been realising lately that she's actually good at making Jackie speechless - or doing whatever that is... Shauna watches from the corner of her eye as Jackie's ears go red, leg bouncing, and staring frantically at the words in front of her, swallowing hard. Shauna leans an elbow on her desk and looks away from Jackie, trying to hide the faintly smug grin that works its way onto her face. Shauna's starting to figure out that maybe she has more power over Jackie Taylor than she realised. The note glides under Shauna's elbow.

jackie: it's whatever you want.

Shauna goes numb staring at the reply, letting go of a long exhale as she reads her own words regurgitated back at her. She sees something else on the paper and moves her thumb to reveal that Jackie's drawn a tiny heart for her... a tiny heart for Shauna. And suddenly Shauna's the one getting flustered again, blinking at the sketch.

She glances at Jackie, who's trying to look at gallant and composed as she reads through a page in her textbook. But she's not that good of an actress, and a little smile works its way onto her face when she feels Shauna staring. Their eyes lock for a millisecond before they both look away again, grinning softly to themselves. Shauna glances around, nervous as ever, as she writes with warm-cheeks and darting eyes. Her last risk was a success, so she gets bolder, and tries another...

shauna: ok well. what i want is to kiss you again. like a lot

Another pause beside her, and she thinks she hears Jackie exhale shakily - writing back furiously and angrily dropping the note off on Shauna's desk. It doesn't elicit the response she thought it would.

jackie: get your shit together you horndog

Shauna gapes at the word, which Jackie has underlined aggressively and embarrassingly. She glares at her but Jackie refuses to look back, both blushing wildly now. Shauna's pencil just barely touches down to defend herself when the bell chimes overhead. She tucks the note in her pencil case, shaking her head, smirking slightly because she's still kind of pleased with herself.

Jackie kicks her desk as she walks by, making Shauna jump. She peers up at Jackie in confusion, surprised at how quickly Jackie's packed up... but Shauna's surprise quickly turns to intrigue when she sees the look on Jackie's face - iridescent, hazy eyes that beckon to her, and a slanted smirk in her lips.

"What? Are you really gonna make your Captain wait?"

Shauna stands so quickly that the blood rushes to her head and her vision blurs. Jackie lets out a little huff, watching as Shauna scrambles to clear her desk. She's cute when she's flustered, Jackie realises... but there's something else in there too... something that Jackie saw earlier in the morning. The dark, bottomless pit in her eyes - yearning and fucking hungry. It's a look that makes Jackie's smirk falter - and Shauna knows it - grinning when she sees Jackie's facade start to slip.

And pretty soon, they're racing out of class to soccer, side-by-side and still fuming. She can feel Shauna burning her eyes into her with that look - that fucking look. She feels it even when they burst into the locker room, half-expecting it to be empty, maybe even hoping that it's empty... because maybe then they could -

" - fuck!"

Jackie almost shoots out of her skin when she turns a corner and almost collides headfirst into Misty Quigley. She clutches her chest, exhaling into oblivion - before taking off her sunglasses to run a stressed hand over her face.

"Misty, you scared the shit outta me - "

"What the hell happened to you?" Misty stammers, eyes are wide and full of horror. Jackie's mouth flinches open, but Misty's hands are already ahead of her, prodding around her face. Oh, right... that. Shauna reaches in between them and affectionately swats Misty's intrusive touches away.

"Hey - hands off the Cap, Quigley." She grumbles protectively with a twinge of annoyance, but no actual malice towards her.

"Shauna, she could need, like - actual medical attention." Misty presses, already itching for the first aid kit. Misty's got a point, and she means well but Shauna still sighs, rolling her eyes as she does so. The sentence seems to draw in a crowd, and soon enough Lottie's standing there with a fading grin and hurried heartbeat in her chest. She closes the distance between them, feet echoing as they bound forth in long strides.

"Jax - " She whispers, nudging past Misty gently, staring horrified at Jackie's marked up face. "Jesus Christ - did somebody do this to you?" As she asks it, they come into view of the remaining team - drawing terror-stricken expressions from all who dare to look. Jackie's about to respond when Van cuts past.

"Holy fucknuts... you look like you got your shit rocked." Van gapes at her. She isn't trying to be funny or lighten the mood. In fact, her face is creased, sweaty brow furrowed in concern as she rises from the bench to join them. Jackie slides her bag down, turning to them all as she places her hands on her hips.

"I did not get my shit rocked, or whatever. I'm fine, seriously." Jackie cringes at Van's phrasing, shaking her head a little as her tongue rolls over the words. Then she feels a warm hand on her shoulder, pressing slightly, urging her to turn. So Jackie's faces the intruder, only to find Nat with icy eyes that blink back at her, crucially examining the extent of the damage.

"Who did this?" Her voice is low and threatening. Sparking and fucking dangerous.

"Nat, I said I'm good - "

"Oh, fuck off, Jackie - I've never seen you look this fucking far from good before." Nat shoots back immediately, visceral, but her heart is in the right place as it always is. Jackie shifts away from her, finding herself under the doting eyes of her teammates, all clinging on in anticipation. It's kind of fucked up... because she can't remember the last time they all actually gave a shit about her. Part of her finds it welcoming, but she also realises the current circumstances are still far from ideal. Either way, she shrugs, and lets out a tired sigh.

"Hey - if you think this is bad..." Jackie loves a dramatic pause, "You should've seen the other girl." She tries to be charming, she tries to be brave. And she speaks with a half-laugh, prying Nat's hand off her shoulder carefully. She walks towards her locker all cool and collected, eyebrows raised looking at them. Like Shauna, Jackie can be a smug fucking bastard too, you know. She's got that trickster grin on her face and something devious glinting in her eyes when she takes off her jacket.

The locker room fills in a mixture of surprised low 'oooos' and questioning high 'ohhhs?'. Shauna can't help but grin a little bit to herself. She knows she shouldn't be dousing herself with the fact that Jackie fought Lucy, but then she thinks of the way Jackie had turned her head to the side, spitting blood onto the pavement... so fucking angry and hot... and suddenly her head feels all fuzzy and lost again.

"Jackie Taylor? Actually throwing hands? Do my ears deceive me?" Van approaches her in disbelief. Nat's craning her head slightly as she studies at her - thankfully a little less worried now - pretty mouth parted slightly as a mischievous grin starts to rise.

"Didn't freeze up this time, did you?" Tai grumbles faintly from the side as she pulls her shoes off. Lottie gives the bench Tai's sitting on a little kick, arms folded as she does so, warning signs glinting in her eyes. "What?" Tai whispers through tight lips. Jackie sighs, because of course she'd bring that up now. Her jaw turns, fighting the urge to bite back at her. So instead she rolls her eyes, looking away and back up at the rest of them. She finds that they're still expectant, still clinging onto her words... they still care about her... Jackie's shoulders relax.

"No. I didn't freeze up, for your information... and I don't wanna drag this out, so... this conversation is fucking over as of right now, okay?" She instructs sullenly, reaching for the bottom of her shirt. Shauna's eyes have gone soft again, watching as Jackie struggles. She doesn't know all the details about the fight yet, but she knows it happened, and she knows it happened in defence of her...

So Shauna's immediately on Jackie, rushing to help. Jackie peers at Shauna a little surprised, perhaps even nervous at the thought of Shauna helping her out of her clothes, because they both know exactly where that led to last night...

"Jax, here." Shauna offers quietly. Jackie swallows the knot in her throat, still a little taken aback by Tai's small, off-handed comment.

"Thanks, Ship." She caves finally, letting Shauna help her remove the rest of it. She tosses the shirt aside, and an air of perturbation returns to the locker room when Jackie isn't expecting it. Even Tai's gone pensively silent as she glares at Jackie's scored shoulder blades and bruised ribs.

"Gosh, Jackie..." Laura Lee's voice is tiny and frightful from the bench. She's sitting there nervously fidgeting with her fingers, and her sweet face - swollen with guilt - crestfallen. Jackie won't let Laura Lee of all people feel falsely culpable over her own actions, her own choices. So Jackie holds up her hands, surrendering with a sigh.

"Look, I said don't wanna drag this shit out, so this is all I'm gonna say about what happened..." She clears her throat, already kind of dreading the fact that she's speaking again. And then she sees Shauna affectionately folds her shirt for her, and the little gesture stokes another flame in her chest. Jackie pauses for a moment, feeling extremely on the spot with the way they're looking at her. Soft eyes, spilling with worry, little ticks in the corners of their mouths like they're always about to say something.

"First of all," Jackie thinks for a second, before raising a finger up to them, counting. "Fuck hockey." She scoffs, shaking her head, and she means it too. Van snorts, having to cover her face. Jackie even sees that little smirk returning to Nat's lips again. She wants to hug her, but she worries the contact might burn Nat's vampiric skin. So Jackie raises a second finger, holding it there for a moment, exhibiting it like she's participating in show-and-tell.

"Second of all... and most importantly... fuck Lucy." The comment sparks a sea of agreeing hums from the team. Even Tai nods at Jackie's sentiment, clicking her fingers in accordance. The response riddles Shauna with surprise, because she didn't realise how much they hated her too. Because even with how tenderly they cleaned her locker of that word, Shauna didn't realise how ready they were to ride for her. If there was any question of loyalty before, the answer is clear now.

"Fuck Lucy." Lottie repeats in, bitter and strong.

"And fuck hockey." Nat adds hoarsely. There's a certain prideful look in her eyes when she connects with Jackie across the lockers. Attagirl, Taylor. Suddenly, Laura Lee is standing all shaky-kneed with her water bottle extended, glancing between the group, who just stare back at her in bewilderment.

"I think I'd like to propose a toast." She blurts out. It prompts a couple of snorts and giggles from the room, still exchanging some slightly confused looks as they raise their water bottles unsurely. Laura Lee clears her throat. "Um... maybe... fuck Lucy?" She announces inquisitively. The room erupts with scolding gasps and shocked laughter. Nobody laughs as hard as Lottie though, who has to lean on Laura Lee, giggling into her shoulder. Laura Lee goes pink. She raises her water bottle higher, searching uncertainly, but hopefully, for Jackie. Jackie's out of her mind, grinning proudly back at her before addressing the room again.

"Hey - you heard her, ladies. Come on, yellowjackets, with me -" She clasps her hands together in order to rally them up, because that's what Jackie does. Jackie rallies. Jackie reassures. Jackie makes people feel at home and happy. Even Misty, who's not a soccer player, still stands with a spare water bottle raised with an enlivened smile. Jackie raises her own bottle and glances around at her girls. "Fuck Lucy."

The room fills with a varying chorus of "FUCK LUCY!", followed by clanging plastic as they cheers each other. It's so stupid. It's so dumb and silly, and yet... totally fucking necessary. Because Jackie can't remember the last time the atmosphere has felt like this between all of them. Smiling like idiots, blush in their cheeks, giggling and gossiping as they bump water bottles between them... and Shauna... fucking Shauna.

ShaunaShaunaShauna.

Jackie would drop to her knees if she could, with the way that Shauna's smiling right now. She has to forcibly tear her gaze away... regretting it instantly when she notices Nat watching her with a knowing look - teasing Jackie by shooting a darting glance at Shauna. Jackie almost launches her water bottle into Nat's face, but maybe that might kill the mood, and Nat might actually kill her... so she advises against it. Instead Jackie flashes a warning glare at her, fighting a smile as she cautiously mouths the word 'don't'. Nat rolls her eyes as she spins away to Lottie, grinning as she retreats.

Jackie shakes her head as she turns back to her locker. She smiles dumbly for quite sometime, until she lays out her sports bra and winces trying to remove the one she has on now... and then, she feels a familiar set of hands graze her hips.

"Let me help."

Warm fingers ghost up Jackie's back as she glares into her locker, ears starting to sizzle.

Shauna unclasps Jackie's bra easily, and delicately slides it off her shoulders. Jackie's breath catches in her throat as she feels the air rush around her exposed skin, watching as Shauna's hand comes into her vision from behind her, picking up Jackie's sports bra.

"Turn."

Oh...

Oh, fuck...

Jackie's got a skull full of brain-soup again, leaking out her ears when she turns to face her, eyes wide and chest bare. Shauna has that fucking look in her eyes again. Dark. Pitch black and unbounded. An anchored gaze that holds steady, staying up, sealed on Jackie for just a moment... before performing a firm, controlled descent... one flicker, that's all she gets... eyes leisurely rolling down, canvasing over Jackie's chest. Shauna looks, and she looks freely, because she know she can... she takes her in, just for a second, before looking back up again. She taunts her. Evil incarnate.

"You're blushing, Captain."

Jackie doesn't move.

She can't move.

Because how dare she. How fucking dare she.

With a tightly wound jaw, Jackie lets Shauna manoeuvre her body like a rag doll until her sports bra and jersey are on, and then suddenly Jackie is changing into the rest of her uniform all by herself again. Ungainly and hypnotised. She doesn't register any other conversation around her until they're all out on the field.

The spring air hot-wires her senses back online just as they're all getting into position... and Jackie stares as she always does. She stares at Shauna across the grass... and Shauna has the gall to stare back. Not only that - but she has the audacity flash her stupidly hot, devilishly handsome, shark-toothed smirk at her... as if she didn't just give Jackie a temporary lobotomy in that locker room.

Jackie plays, and she plays hard.

It's the best practice they've had in weeks.

But it would've probably been even better if Shauna wouldn't be so fucking distracting. Catching her eye across the field, brushing shoulders and elbows, skimming her hand across the small of Jackie's back as she passes her... it makes Jackie focus on things that aren't the ball... like the sound of Shauna's breath picking up and slowing down, the sweat that rolls over every inch of her, plastering her uniform to her body. Jackie puts everything she's got into practice because at least then the true reason for her red-faced fluster can remain hidden.

Jackie's not supposed to get flustered - just the same as she's not supposed to chase. And yet here she is, still unable to shake the blush in her cheeks, even as she crashes back into the locker rooms with a trail of excited and exhausted team mates around her.

It's their best practice yet, and she's still fucking humiliated.

Van calls out something about how everyone should be proud of themselves. There's all this amped up chatter all around them, but Jackie barely hears it. She can feel Shauna's eyes on her still, and she's fucking sick of it. Not because she wants it to end, but because she wants some control back.

"Well? Are you gonna help me or what, Shipman?" Jackie asks, crass and petulant at her side. Shauna blinks slightly as Jackie gestures to her jersey. Jackie sees that familiar - almost comforting - unnerved look in Shauna's expression as she nods. Good. Jackie doesn't like it when she doesn't get her turn. She's always been like this since they were kids, and she's starting to realise that maybe Shauna's the exact same. So she glares at her with fire in her eyes as Shauna helps her out of her jersey and sports bra again, and her change in temperament shifts Shauna's too, much to Shauna's chagrin. Fucking good.

"Thanks." Jackie practically spits the word out, and it reminds Shauna of her blood on the pavement. She almost turns away, before leaning in and whispering. "Oh... and you're blushing, Shipman." That just about does it - unravels her. Gone is Shauna's balanced gaze, the one that made Jackie feel headless - now she's back to eyes that flicker, unfocused, eyes that dart down over Jackie's chest against her will, eyes that apologise as they search for anywhere else.

They don't make eye contact for awhile, not even when Jackie takes up the shower next to hers. They stare forward, same as always, letting the water run over them in silence. Jackie's eyes are trigger-happy, but she holds fast, never looking. Instead, she speaks.

"Shauna. What're you doing after this?"

A pause.

"Driving you home."

Jackie sighs, because of course she is.

"I wanna drive somewhere else."

Another pause.

"Okay."

Not another word. They change in silence, eyes only meeting for the same routine - helping Jackie with her bra, and then her shirt and jacket - and then they're separated again. Not another look. Even as they hug their friends goodbye and march to Shauna's car, not even as she drives without instruction.

Shauna doesn't need instruction.

She doesn't need directions, because she knows. She already knows.

They drive right past Jackie's house, and then right past Shauna's.

They drive til they're back at that same field, facing out over the spring flowers as they blossom. Shauna cuts the engine and the two of them stare at the stretch of land as they've done a thousand times over, sitting in silence, listening to the birdsong.

And for the first time since this whole thing started, Jackie is the first to move. Seatbelt off, metal buckle scraping against the car door as she flings it away carelessly - and then quickly - scurrying across the console and into Shauna's lap. Shauna doesn't flinch, because she's been ready. Hands on Jackie's waist before she even feels her weight on her lap, fingers gripping, digging into her flesh and tugging down. She feels Jackie's nose and wet hair against her face before she feels Jackie's lips... crashing into her, pressing insistently over Shauna's.

Jackie is clumsy but spirited. Which is ironic, considering she's the one who's been in a four year relationship, so she theoretically should know better. Clumsy because Shauna's made her all foolhardy and harebrained, blindly staggering and hoping Shauna can ground her. But as Jackie's nails sink into Shauna's cheeks and trap her in the kiss - Shauna gets mean. Grinding her mouth up into hers, teeth and all.

Brawny arms hook around Jackie's body as Shauna nearly crushes her. Flexing her muscles, macerating Jackie's waistline to fuse their bodies together. It stirs enough excitement and fear in Jackie's chest to conjure a hastened, surprised whine. The noise makes Shauna tense hard enough to crack Jackie's back open and cleave her spine. Jackie's nails resign from Shauna's face suddenly, lurching down to seize her elbows instead.

"Gentle." She whispers it in a warning tone, almost like she's scolding a shelter dog. As usual, Shauna doesn't need to be told twice, loosening her over-excited grip and instantly closing the gap between them again. She chases Jackie's lips with hers, trying another approach.

And this time, Jackie doesn't think of Jeff when she feels Shauna's tongue lapping into her. She relents impulsively, lips shivering open and embracing the eager invasion. The feeling of Shauna licking into her makes Jackie just about lose her fucking mind. Jaw sliding apart to let her in further, meeting Shauna's tongue with her own, hand scrambling to find the lever that pulls the seat down. Jackie doesn't drive, she doesn't know what it's called, that's Shauna's job. But she flails and grapples onto it, yanking, slamming them back in a way that bumps teeth and bone.

Shauna composes them before reaching around to grab Jackie's ass, squeezing slightly as she pulls her closer. Jackie's hands flock to Shauna's biceps, feeling the muscles strike against her skin. It floods her brain with a deeply treacherous vision - one where Shauna's been silently taking advantage of the weights her dad left behind in their garage. She thinks of Shauna sweating there, face twisting, body flexing as she lifts, pumping, whining, grunting and groaning...

And then Jackie admits something. Something she hasn't confessed since the dawn of time. Something real, something raw, something she's often been led to believe is shameful. Something that Jackie's only ever acknowledged when she's cried herself to sleep in stark silence. Something she's never addressed, not with Jeff - and not even with the lone, singular comfort of her own hand... a little something that throbs between her legs and damn near kills her on the spot. Something that claws and screams at her, forcing her to back arch, shoving her hips into Shauna's spontaneously. It makes her insides twist, almost in agony, begging to finally be addressed...

"Shauna..." Jackie gasps her name like it's suffocating her, because it nearly is. The reckless namedrop makes Shauna's eyes flutter to the back of her skull. She finds her hands on Jackie's belly, fingertips ramming into skin. But she doesn't know - she doesn't understand - she doesn't get that Jackie has something unaddressed coursing through her. Jackie is headless and impetuous, leading her to act without thinking, taking Shauna's hands and guiding them up her chest. Shauna breaks away only for a moment, but only so that she can see it - hands cupping Jackie's breasts over her shirt, and Jackie firmly holding her wrists, wanting Shauna to be there.

"Jesus, fuck - " Jackie doesn't let Shauna finish that thought, swooping in to kiss her again. She relinquishes her guidance over Shauna's hands and lets her roam freely, pawing and pinching. Jackie breathes hard out of her nose, fighting the sounds that come floundering out of her, finally closer to addressing that certain something inside of her. That foolish, inexorable little something that's making her body roll against Shauna's involuntarily.

"Jax." Shauna's moving under her, and Jackie's first instinct would be worry if she wasn't so turned on.

"Yeah?" She breathes, hot and heavy against Shauna's face.

"Like this." And then she feels Shauna's knee coming up, nudging to get between Jackie's legs. "I can show you - "

"What? What're you - " Jackie's line of questioning is answered pretty quickly when Shauna's thumbs her hip bones, splitting Jackie's thighs open with her knee, pressing it right there. Jackie's eyes and mouth widen when she feels it... and she finds her forehead pressing over Shauna's cheek, glaring almost in horror as Shauna guides Jackie's hips over her thigh... horror, because it feels so good... horror, because it feels so fucking good that Jackie's speechless and staring daggers into Shauna's neck.

Speechless and staring because it doesn't make any sense.

Four years.

Four years with Jeff... and this is what it's supposed to fucking feel like?

She thinks of every touch, every kiss - the way he'd rub his fingers in her underwear so aimlessly and so wrongly that felt like carpet-burn. To the point where she legitimately thought something was wrong with her, not even bothered with touching herself because in her mind - if her boyfriend couldn't make it happen, then who could?

Easy answer.

"Shauna..." Jackie didn't realise she's been fucking moaning into Shauna's shoulder. Moans that drive Shauna out of her fucking mind, clutching Jackie's hips and steering her into her knee over and over, clinging on to every gasp and whimper that Jackie buries into her neck. Jackie isn't sure if she's ready to look down at it happening yet, but she can't stop following the motions, grinding down harder and harder. Pent up and fucking flustered as the searing heat builds harsher between her thighs. She winces against Shauna, baring her teeth as she rides with a concentrated crease embedded in her forehead. Shauna's hands motivate her to move faster and Jackie obliges, following blindly.

"Is this okay?" Shauna asks attentively in a low, breathy voice right by her ear.

"Yeah." Jackie manages to gasp out.

"I've got you, Jax." She whispers it adoringly. It sends icy, ghost-like shivers all over her sweat-riddled skin. And then she thinks of how Shauna's muscles feel, how strong her hands are, how her lips brush against her neck, how her knee rolls between her legs... she goes a little faster now, pride starting to dissipate as she gets lost in the feeling, growing more and more desperate to scratch the itch. Jackie groans now, brows knitted, indignantly frustrated at the fabric between them.

"Shauna." Jackie gulps again, choking on her words now. She doesn't want to speak. She doesn't want to ask for it. She just wants Shauna to know, to simply just read her fucking mind. But that isn't how it works. Not when they're doing something they've never done before. Not when Jackie's grinding her crotch into Shauna's knee and whimpering so urgently that Shauna's practically sticking to the seat herself.

Jackie tries to move for a better angle, but it's no use, she's so fucking close but she just isn't getting there. Jackie mewls again in exasperation, because she has to - she needs to - in fact, she thinks she'll fucking die if she doesn't get to...

"Shauna, I - I don't know if I can - finish like this - I think I need - "

"What? What, Jackie? Tell me, I'll - I'll do it." The words come tumbling out of Shauna, breathless and desirous. Jackie doesn't know how - her brain is hurting, her lungs are hurting - and the knot building in her stomach, throbbing between her legs - is fucking killing her, killing her dead.

Shauna says some magic words.

"Whatever you want."

And Jackie's undoing her belt.

Her hands are trembling, eyes broad and petrified. She crushes her forehead into Shauna's shoulder, almost certain she'll break her fucking collarbone at this rate. She glares into Shauna's skin, still unable to look down and see, unable to watch. There's shame in her still, somehow - even as she takes the vicious beast between her legs by the horns - grabbing Shauna's hand and shoving.

Down, into her shorts, into her underwear and through soft curls. She clambers over Shauna's hand insistingly, on the verge of fucking begging as she crams Shauna's fingers over the pulsating, agonising wet mess of nerves in her underwear. The air steals out of her lungs, and Jackie almost collapses at the sensation.

"Fuck!" Her exclamation is high-pitched and frightened. Shauna's other arm snakes around Jackie, applying pressure to keep her rooted in her shoulder. Jackie's eyes are wide as she frantically glares into Shauna's skin, feeling Shauna's breath against her, shushing her and whispering into her hair. Jackie only hears some of what Shauna's saying, not because she isn't trying to listen, but because Shauna's fingers have just started fucking moving -

" - you're okay, I've - Jackie - I've got you, I'm here - " Jackie doesn't hear the rest. Her lungs and throat shred as she produces a louder, more pronounced, uncontrolled moan that she didn't know she was capable of. Because Shauna isn't Jeff. Because Shauna knows what a fucking clit is, where to find it, and most importantly - what to do with it... and Jackie is squirming against her, feeling those strong arms, those calculated fingers rubbing and circling and rolling and sliding and fuck - maybe she does want to look.

Jackie finally peers, eyes flickering down to the small space between their bodies in a slight terror. What she finds there almost sends her into a depraved fugue state...

...she watches the fabric at the front of her shorts, vibrating aggressively around Shauna's jerking hand, her open belt buckle chiming like a bell... and Shauna's breath in her ear, kissing her neck, rubbing her back, whispering to her - telling her that she has her, that she's okay...

And suddenly Jackie's gripping Shauna like wants her dead - she's crying out like she's wounded - grating her hips into Shauna's hand like the touch will fucking save her. Her movements turbulent and desperate, intense with heated ferocity as she chases... and chases, and chases, and chases... because she's getting so fucking close that her stomach is in knots, her brain is scrambled, her insides all muddled, clenching and throbbing, whining and crying... and then, when Jackie moans her name again, she calls to her like a Goddess, worshipping the word that comes spilling out of her like a mantra...

"Shauna -"

"I'm here."

Jackie's almost sobbing. 

"ShaunaShaunaShauna - "

She sounds stupid and drunk and desperate and pathetic and -

"Jackie."  Her deity answers tenderly, breathing her name Jackie's ear til it makes her splinter, sending Jackie careening over the edge.

Jackie crashes, she crashes and fucking burns, crying out into Shauna's shoulder inconsolably. Nails in her skin, teeth in her neck, vision going white hot and blurring - body contorting, jerking against her fingers so hard that she's scared she'll break them. That's a lie. Jackie doesn't care if it breaks every bone in her body. How can she care about that when she has Shauna in her ear and Shauna in her shorts?

She doesn't think anything. She can't. She doesn't even see anything. She barely even feels anything else except for the waves pulsing through her, radiating like a wildfire between her legs, rippling from her core and across her extremities. Grunting and writhing, gripping and gasping. Shauna unwinds her especially slowly towards the end but doesn't stop - not until she has her word - not until it fucking hurts, and Jackie has to grab her wrist, wheezing out a frazzled gasp of protest.

"St... sto - ah - "

"I'm stopping, Jax - I've stopped - " Shauna reassures her quickly, hand lifting taut up against her underwear, creating distance in the small space of soaking fabric. Jackie's grip falls languidly off Shauna's wrist, and Shauna takes the opportunity to remove her hand from her shorts entirely, placing it back on Jackie's waist for support. The hand is searing, hot and drenched, instantly dampening the fabric of Jackie's shirt when Shauna rests it there.

Jackie lets out a small, breathy whine of relief, going limp on top of her. She lets Shauna bundle her up in her arms, easily slotting into place against her. She doesn't bother zipping her shorts up or buckling her belt, because she truly could not give a shit. She gives Shauna free rein, but Shauna just settles on massaging Jackie's head, keeping her touch light and tender.

She doesn't move a muscle, waiting adoringly for Jackie to return to her.

She does, in the most Jackie-way possible.

"Are you... fuck - are you shitting me?"

Shauna's chest is shuddering, and Jackie realises again that Shauna's fucking laughing. She perches up on an elbow, glaring at her. She hasn't seen her face for awhile, being buried in her shoulder for the most part.

"Shauna, are you fucking shitting me?"

"About what, Jackie?!"

"That's an orgasm?" Jackie asks, with her head in steady nod, eyebrows up hanging her forehead. Shauna shrugs her shoulders wildly.

"I mean, I - I hope so! My fingers are fucking cramping here - "

"That's an orgasm?!" Jackie gapes at her, still somehow in disbelief - as if she just watched what happened from a third party perspective. Shauna lifts her hands up in another shrug. Jackie lays back slightly, staring off in complete bewilderment, processing slowly. "Holy shit... that was an orgasm." She murmurs thoughtfully, mostly to herself. Shauna grins, toothy and self-congratulatory as fucking ever. Jackie notices the look on her face and cringes, groaning tiresomely.

"You are so gonna be a smug little shit about this, aren't you?" She watches Shauna tilt her head as if she actually has to think about it, rosy-cheeked with pompous smile on display. Jackie roles her eyes knowingly and huffs in response, plopping back down onto Shauna's chest - shaking with it as Shauna laughs beneath her. Jackie hides a smile in her shirt, clinging onto her regardless. Bastard. Shauna's such a fucking bastard and she hates her, and she needs her too. They stay there for a moment, tangled and sticking to each other, until Jackie finally speaks.

"By the way... Shipman?"

She gets a tired hum back in response.

"The movie thing tomorrow is obviously a date, you total fucking idiot."

Chapter Text

How the fuck do you take Shauna Shipman on a date?

Jackie's been agonising over the question all night and all morning.

Truthfully, it shouldn't be this difficult to answer. Jackie's been on loads of dates, and she's known Shauna all her life. Yet here she is pacing her bedroom floor with a panic in her eyes, spreading like wildfire.

She has two questions on her mind:

1. What are they doing before and after the movie?

2. Should she get Shauna something? Is that what people do?!

Jackie drops down into her bed with a frustrated huff. She tugs a pillow over her face and groans in annoyance, petulantly kicking her feet as she racks her brain. She's never had to think of this kind of stuff before - impressing someone, wooing someone - even though Shauna is clearly into Jackie as proven by yesterday...

Jackie stops kicking.

Yesterday, yesterday, yesterday...

In Shauna's car, out by that field.

Her brain gets all woozy just thinking about it. How strong Shauna's arms felt, how deeply she kissed her, her taste, her smell... how fucking good Shauna made her feel... Jackie melts into the sheets with a longing sigh. She lays there and lets her brain flood with tantalising, intoxicating thoughts...

...no, wait - she's getting distracted.

Jackie shoots up out of bed to resume her obligatory anxiety pacing. She has a mission, and she needs to stay fucking focused.

Two questions.

1. What are they doing before and after the movie?

Okay. Knowing Shauna, she's always excited about gross movie theatre food - so food won't be a problem. Still, Jackie should take her somewhere else... but where? Jackie has to think long and hard for several minutes before finalising her answer with a smile. She smiles because it's fucking perfect. Shauna mentioned a place ages ago but Jackie didn't think much about it because, well... it's a fucking book cafe. It might not be Jackie's favourite thing, but it is Shauna's.

Now - as for after the movie... Jackie swallows hard, spine straightening out attentively... she may or may not have preemptively told her parents she's staying over at Shauna's tonight... but still, maybe she should cross that part out for now and not get ahead of herself. At least that's one question out of the way.

As for question two...

2. Should she get Shauna something? Is that what people do?!

Maybe... kind of? People do that, right? Unfortunately, Shauna's favourite things aren't very easily obtained... like a soaring flock of birds or a rain storm.

"Be realistic, Jax." She says under her breath, striding across her bedroom floor like a wooden plank. Oddly enough, Jackie realises that if she could summon the birds and the rain for Shauna, she probably would.

God... is that pathetic?

She thuds her forehead lightly against her windowpane, eyes scanning through the back garden as she tries to think. It should be something simple. Something classic. Something...

Jackie presses into the glass, eyes narrowing as she focuses on the shrubbery outside...

She could...

...wait, could she?!

Jackie's hand is already floating over to the doorknob before she can even answer it herself. Sunglasses on and down stairs she goes. She arrives at the backdoor and slides it open without a second thought.

"Jackie? Where on earth are you going?" Her mom calls curiously from the kitchen. Jackie pauses, halfway out the door.

"I'm just, um..." Before she can finish, her mom enters, cautiously stirring her usual morning brew. At least Jackie's got those sunglasses on so her mom can't see her brain ticking. "I was actually just gonna pick some flowers, for..." She stalls momentarily, nearly crumbling under her mom's interrogative scowl. "...Lottie."

...Lottie?

Seriously?!

Jackie isn't sure how she landed on that one, but it happened and there's no taking it back now. Her mom's face lights up at the mention of her.

"As in the Matthews' daughter? That's... that's wonderful, what's the occasion?"

Thank god for her mother's love of the rich and influential.

"Oh, it's - it's nothing really. Lottie's been really... excelling in soccer so I thought it'd be nice to, y'know..." Jackie shrugs, gesturing outwards with her hands.

"Well, I'm sure a family like the Matthews would greatly appreciate the gesture."

Another incredible save by a one miss Jackie Taylor.

And with that, Jackie's out in the garden, sifting through the selection before her. What would Shauna want? Everybody knows Jackie's favourites are poppies, but Shauna's never even mentioned flowers, so it's... well, it's kind of a mystery. Sure, Jackie could just grab a handful of red roses or pink carnations and call it a day - but Shauna doesn't always do traditional.

"Fuck." Jackie whinges, rubbing the side of her face as she thinks. She wanders towards the end of the yard and finds a patch in the corner that catches her eye. She halts over the small section before crouching down in front of it. Jackie smiles a little to herself, reaching a gentle hand out to feebly stroking the petals before her. She realises... that maybe she doesn't have to know Shauna's favourite flower (if she even has one) maybe it's the thought that counts.

Maybe it's how Jackie thinks of Shauna every step of the way - handpicking them and organising them with care, making them all pretty for her.

"Those are an... interesting choice." Her mom grumbles from the breakfast table, judgement seeping through her tone as always.

"Yeah, well Sh - " Jackie quickly catches herself, "Uh, Lottie likes thinking out of the box, so... I figured I should probably do the same, right?" Jackie always keeps her tone light, especially when she lies. She does the finishing touches - a small bouquet, tied and wrapped - and then her mom approaches with a small piece of card with a string attached to it. She rolls Jackie a pen and pats her on the back.

"A card is common courtesy, Jacqueline." She tells her, almost scoldingly, before she's off again. Jackie stares down at the little blank card, twisting the pen unsurely in her fingers.

Simple. Just keep it simple. Don't overthink it...

...as if Jackie hasn't been overthinking every single aspect of this since the moment she woke up.

She hears her dad sigh from the breakfast table and glances over at him, a knee-jerk reaction she's had ever since she can remember. He's staring through the pushed back curtains out into the driveway... where Shauna is already pulling up. Jackie's heart is suddenly fucking careening in her chest, so she leans over the counter and writes quickly.

"That Shauna... such an excellent girl." Well... at least that's something they can all actually agree on. "I'm glad you two are working together on that project tonight."

Yeah... that project... right.

Her dad mumbles something typical about Shauna's grades and her prospects and whatever - Jackie obviously agrees - but she's kind of doing something now.

She reels back from the card and stares down at her penmanship.

She keeps it simple.

'my shauna'

and a sweet little heart drawn beside it.

Simple, but possibly effective, and definitely corny slash loser-ish.

Jackie actually didn't realise the full extent of her loserdom until this exact moment, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because Shauna is already here. She snags the card off the counter before her parents can see it, and gets ready to leave. Shoes, sunglasses, jacket and bag all prepped and ready to go. All that's left is the little bouquet, staring back at her, ready for its new home. She glares back at it, eyes flickering, throat tight, and once again rethinking her decisions for the millionth time this morning. She needs some added motivation, so she quickly peers through the window...

And there she is.

Shauna Shipman, in all her glory. Walking around the outside of her car lifting the boot up with those strong, beautiful arms, leaning over as she organises the inside. Jackie inhales deeply through her nose and exhales long and firm.

Yeah. No backing down now.

She ties the card to the bouquet and braces for impact.

Outside, she treads over to Shauna as lightly as she possibly can, keeping the bouquet hidden behind her back, wondering just how on earth she's going to even bring it up in the first place. She takes off her sunglasses and stops by the car, letting her feet hit the pavement a little louder now. But Shauna's still got her head ducked down, so Jackie does what Jackie does best... she gets Shauna's attention. She clears her throat gruffly. Shauna clutches her chest, shoes scraping the pavement as she does a little jump. The moment she sees Jackie though, she lets out a small huff of exhausted laughter, grinning faintly.

"Jesus, Jax you nearly - "

"- so I did something lame." Jackie spits out, all frazzled, and definitely not cool and collected. Her fingers tighten around the hidden bouquet for a little comfort. Shauna frowns at her, blinking in confusion. She seems to hang in the air slightly, waiting patiently for Jackie to continue...

"Uhh..?" Shauna laughs nervously after the pause drags on for far too long. She dusts off her hands and pulls the trunk shut, walking around to her. "And what exactly did you - "

"Okay, look - " Jackie cuts past her again, deciding now as good a time as any.

She pulls the bouquet out from behind her.

Shauna stops dead in her tracks.

Her eyes go wide at the floral offering in the space between them, mouth slightly agape, but no words come out. And Jackie's already forgotten everything she wanted to say too, so she starts from the top again.

"Okay, look - these are snapdragons. Totally cool name, I know. And - and you like dragons and stuff, right? You read, like - fantasy novels, maybe - or something?" Nice, Jax. Super eloquent and romantic. "Anyways, that's not the point - I know they're not traditional or whatever, but I mean... you don't even like traditional, right? So what's the fucking point? Oh, and - and when they die, they look like little skulls, which... sure, kinda morbid, but also kinda cool right? I mean I thought that you would - I mean I have no idea, but I thought that maybe you might - "

"Jackie."

"Mhm, yep?" Jackie looks up skittishly. Right... rambling into oblivion, awesome. Super smooth. Jackie swallows hard as she finds Shauna's face through the haze...

...and Shauna's fucking smiling - hard. Like, really fucking hard. Like, reallyreallyreallyreally fucking hard. Her face is pink all over, darkening with every passing second. Shauna takes the bouquet out of Jackie's hands, cradling it in her own delicately. Jackie stares in anticipation, lower lip trembling with so much and so little to say all at once. She watches as Shauna thumbs open the little card and reads the handwritten note there... and the pink shade either side of her nose officially goes red.

"Um..." Shauna barely gets the utterance out, jaw turning as she forces the biggest, giddiest smile off her lips. "Jax, this is really..." Shauna draws out her name, and Jackie nods a little unsurely.

"Too much...? It's too much, isn't it?" She stammers slowly. Shauna stares with faintly glistening eyes, reading the words over and over again.

my shauna

my shauna

my shauna

my shauna

She looks up at Jackie with a totally dumbfounded, dizzying admiration that makes Jackie lightheaded. Shauna's eyes flicker behind Jackie to the Taylor household, then back at her again...

"Jax... can you get in the car please?" Shauna asks in a dreamy, faraway voice, still fighting that smile.

"But, um... I mean... did you - do you like them?" Jackie shifts slightly on the spot, blinking uncertainly.

Shauna steps forward and takes Jackie's wrist in her hand.

And there's that look again... that dark look in Shauna's eyes that makes Jackie's breath hitch in her throat as she realises...

"Jackie, I love them." Shauna rubs her thumb over Jackie's wrist as she squeezes. Jackie feels every thought in her brain disappear when Shauna's eyes skirt over her lips. "Which is exactly why I need you to get in the car for me."

And with that, Jackie's moving - straight into shotgun as Shauna puts the flowers in the cupholder and just fucking drives. Jackie doesn't even have a chance to the put the seatbelt on, alarmed as the car jolts forward and the engine revs. Jackie grapples onto the sides, watching the rearview mirror til they're out of sight from the Taylor household.

"We're good here." Jackie utters, and Shauna immediately pulls the car over to the side of the road. Jackie watches the way Shauna slams the car into park, and feels little smile starting to creep over her semi-panicked expression. "So... did I do good, or - "

"God, can you just - " Shauna groans, already leaning over the console towards her. Jackie grins wider - because holy fuck Shauna is beet red - and taking Jackie's face into her hands desperately. "Shut the fuck up and kiss me already." She whispers, before her lips crash onto hers, pulling Jackie into a heated kiss without wasting another second. Jackie's fingers close over Shauna's wrists as she eagerly reciprocates, smiling dumbly against her lips.

Shauna snakes an arm behind Jackie's neck - a strong, brawny arm that drives Jackie fucking insane when she feels it brush against her. She really can't resist sliding her hands over the muscles, squeezing slightly, diving her fingers into the flesh. Jesus fucking Christ... Jackie pulls away to a very surprised Shauna, who's still brainlessly smiling and blushing from the romantic gesture.

"You're fucking killing me." Jackie clutches Shauna's bicep little harder, nails and all, making Shauna jolt a little.

"What?! What...?"

"Your goddamn - fucking arms, Shipman! Jesus, I can't - I can't fucking think." Jackie exclaims wildly, all dazed, speaking as if Shauna's supposed to read her mind. Shauna smirks knowingly, moving her arm so that her elbow rests on Jackie's shoulder.

"Oh - you mean these?" Shauna asks, feigning innocence as she flexes the muscle right by Jackie's face. Jackie shoulder's drop as she releases an irritated sigh, much to Shauna's enjoyment.

"You're actually really annoying and cocky and not at all charming - you know that, right?" Jackie teases with narrow eyes, and a playful tilt of her head. Shauna grins, pleased with herself as ever. She's about to counter her when Jackie turns her head to the side - grazing her lips over Shauna's bicep. It screeches Shauna to a halt, watching attentively as Jackie presses kiss after kiss into the area. Jackie lets the final one to linger a little longer than the others, before she pulls away with a wanting sigh. They kind of sit there for a moment, smiling and empty-headed.

"Also..." Shauna perks up a little, with a mischievous look behind her eyes. "Okay, so - about the card..." And Jackie rolls her eyes, shaking her head because she already knows what's coming up next. "If I'm your Shauna, does that make you, my Jackie? Or am I reading into it too much?" God, Shauna's such a little shit when she wants to be. Instead, Jackie just pulls her closer and sinks her lips into hers again. Shauna doesn't protest, how could she? She lets her eyes close as Jackie melts against her, threading her fingers through Shauna's hair.

Jackie speaks against her lips.

"The fuck do you think?" She asks in between the kisses. She feels Shauna sigh deeply against her, pulling her tighter.

"I think you're, um... I think that you're my Jackie."

Shauna barely whispers it - but there's a soft, satisfied tiny sound in Jackie's throat - one that makes Shauna's brain go haywire.

"Exactly."

They make it to school by the grace of God.

Shoutout Laura Lee.

Shauna takes the lid off her water bottle so that the flowers can sit in the backseat cupholder, all safe and hydrated.

They stay in the school carpark for a second, both with the same question on their minds as they turn to each other. After a moment, they wordlessly come to the same conclusion, leaning over the console...

One last kiss, before the day starts.

The only problem with kissing Shauna Shipman is just how fucking difficult it is to stop. Shauna has to be the one who pulls away, with a firm hand on Jackie's shoulder. They just kissed at school, technically. Shauna smirks at her, and Jackie rolls her eyes, swatting her hand away. She's about to open the door when she pauses, turning back suddenly.

"By the way... do you wanna check out that book cafe after school?" She asks carefully. She's sure she knows the answer already, but it still pays off to see Shauna's eyes light up like this. "We've got like... two and a half hours before the movie so I was thinking we could, y'know... check it out? Sort of like a... date pre-game, or whatever?" She shrugs, looking back at Shauna expectantly. Shauna peers at her sneaking suspicion in her eyes.

"Did... did you plan all this? I mean the flowers, the card, the book cafe - "

Oof. Jackie looks up, pretending to think, but the answer is pretty obvious. Guilty as charged.

"I dunno, maybe - and - and so what?! I'm classy and I like being prepared!"

"I never said it was bad, but your instant defensiveness is admirable."

"Yeah, well. At least you admire me."

The day goes by in a haze.

Jackie can't tell you about one thing she learned in class. Not even one pathetic morsel of academic information...

That being said...

She can tell you about Shauna's smile, when Jackie catches her staring a second too long.

She can tell you about Shauna's back, how it arches when she leans forward to peer at the board.

She can tell you about Shauna's hands, her rings - the clinking sounds they make when she plays with her pencil.

She can tell you about Shauna's thighs, how they shake when she taps her foot, making Jackie's mouth water and head flood.

She can tell you about Shauna's stomach, when her shirt rides up as she stretches back in her chair, she can tell you about the groaning sound Shauna makes when she does it...

But schoolwork? Who fucking cares?

Who fucking cares when something ridiculously hot and sapphic is happening right in front of you?

So, yes, the day goes by in a haze. But at least it isn't a terrible one.

Either way, she's more than glad to be back at Shauna's car, ready for what's to come, until...

"What's up, dirtbags?" Van has an easily recognisable voice, one that makes even the coldest person smile in the worst of times, even when she's actually kind of insulting you. Tai is by her side, because of course she is.

"Vanessa, to what do we owe the displeasure?" The moment Jackie asks, Van is already cringing over the use of her full government name.

"Well, Jacqueline," She starts, and Jackie cringes just as hard. "I was actually going to ask Shauna a question, so if you'll excuse us, the big boys are talking..." She teases. Tai and Shauna smirk when Jackie scoffs. Van clasps her hands together as she approaches Shauna. "May we... pretty please - pretty please with a motherfucking cherry on top - catch a ride with you real quick?" Even as she's asking it, Tai is sighing and rolling her eyes at Van's delivery. Shauna stutters a little, glancing over at Jackie.

"Uh - we kind of, like... have these plans - "

"Just to the mall, that's all! Just ten minutes of your time, I swear... there's this movie we're supposed to catch later - Nat and Lottie were supposed to drive us but they had to rush back home for..." Van pauses slightly, looking unsurely at Jackie for a brief moment before she raises her brows. "...something."

Jackie lets out a low chuckle at the sentence, shaking her head.

"Yeah, no - that, uh... that checks out." She mumbles under her breath. Before Van or Tai can even have a second to process or respond to that, Shauna clears her throat.

"Uh, sure. Yeah." She says quietly, with a little shrug. "Jackie, is that cool? It's... it's on the way to the book cafe, it should be - "

"Yeah, yeah - hop in, losers." Jackie waves a nonchalant hand in their general direction as she opens up the passenger side door. She hears a hiss of success from Van before they cram into the backseat and get situated.

"So..." Shauna starts once they hit the road. She glances into the rearview back at Tai and Van. "What, uh... what movie are you guys catching later?" She asks curiously, even though she and Jackie are pretty sure they already know...

"It's... it's just this thing Gen and Mel recommended..." Tai shrugs, trying to act all confident and nonchalant about it. Jackie and Shauna exchange quick looks, darting eyes that barely connect even for a second.

"Is it, um... you mean 'Bound', right?" Jackie asks curiously, looking back over her shoulder. Both Van and Tai look kind of caught in headlights, and before Van can even stammer out a response, Jackie continues. "The one with that one, like... super hot actress?" The question hangs in the air for a moment - before Shauna and Jackie speak at the exact same time.

"Gina Gershon."

"Jennifer Tilly."

They glare at each other in disgust. Van and Tai are silent, eyes flicking between the two of them up ahead. Jackie's face creases, peering at Shauna in horror.

"Jennifer Tilly..? Shauna, are you serious?" She groans, almost shuddering over the words.

"What?!"

"How the fuck can you say that when Gina Gershon is right there - "

One thing about Jackie and Shauna, is they'll bicker regardless of the company. They can be anywhere in the world, with family or with total strangers, and they'll find some reason - any reason - to talk each others ear off.

Tai exhales in irritation, looking out the window as the two up ahead go back and forth with each other. She should've known a car ride with Shipman and Taylor would end up this way. It always does. It's only when she feels a sudden sharp pressure on her foot does she look away from the window. Tai shoots Van a look, wriggling her foot from under hers. Van has a mischievous flame in her eyes, darting down to the space between them.

Tai follows her gaze to their backseat cupholder...

...where she finds a bouquet of snapdragons, jammed into a water bottle.

And tied to them is a note...

'my shauna', with a hand-drawn heart.

Tai frowns as she glares at it, before slowly looking back at Van in confusion. Van's head is slanted slightly on an axis... glancing from Tai, to the two front seats, then back again.

She mouths a subtle 'Are they...?' before Tai aggressively nudges her.

They sit back and relax a little bit as the two other girls at the front continue their useless, animated argument... elbows nudging over the console, knuckles grazing, eyes meeting, smiles melting...

Van and Tai don't say anything, but there's a little glint of recognition in their eyes that says it all...

Yeah.

Maybe they are.

They drop off Van and Tai, and in no time - they're at their desired location.

In all honesty, Jackie's kind of not sure what she was really expecting from a book cafe.

It's a cafe, and there's books. Pretty straight-forward outcome. Yet here she is, smiling out of her mind. Smiling because of the bewildered, beaming look of childlike wonder that hasn't left Shauna's face ever since they came in here. Fingers ghosting over endless spines, eyes diving and sinking into the pages. They browse a little while longer before returning to their table, books stacked up high by coffee and carrot cake.

"Y'know... you, um... you didn't have to pay for me again." Shauna murmurs after a moment, keeping her eyes focused on the book in her hands.

"I know, but... isn't that what people do on dates?"

"That's what most guys do on dates." Shauna peeks up at her from the pages teasingly. "And last time I checked - we're both girls, so..." She whispers that last part playfully. Jackie rolls her eyes, even though... yeah, good point. And Jackie is very aware she doesn't have to pay for her - because yeah, gender roles are obviously dumb, and it would be better to split things evenly, but... Jackie folds her arms over the table, leaning in slightly.

"So what? Maybe I like when you get flustered about it, you look cute, sue me." Jackie scoffs slightly, sitting back again to through to the next page of whatever the hells in front of her. Jackie prefers books with pictures or diagrams - anything to break up the walls of text that make her brain all sharp and achy. She hears Shauna's arm drag over the table towards her. She presses her pinky finger against Jackie's... and when Jackie's eyes flicker up at her, Shauna's got that dumb smile on her flushed face again. Jackie sighs, already knowing what's coming. "Don't start - "

"I look cute, huh? That's some... very interesting information..."

Jackie lets her head roll back as she groans in annoyance. Shauna just hums, nodding to herself in triumph. Smug little asshole. Jackie links her pinky with Shauna's anyway.

"Yeah, whatever. You're a lot of things, Shipman, including a pain in my fucking ass." Jackie grumbles, making Shauna chuckle faintly across from her. She's such a little shit... but she is cute. Two things can exist at once.

The book cafe idea goes off without a hitch, but it's really hard to stay focused when Shauna insists on being the most distracting person in the world... their pinky fingers locked, and her feet nudging Jackie's under the table... curiously pressing against her, rubbing the sides of her ankles...

Jackie's almost relieved when they have to get up and go, feeling a healing breeze wash over her once they're out in the cool spring air again.

The relief is short-lived though. They're early, but the very second they pull up to the movie theatre, Jackie's starting to feel the pressure again. She rubs her sweaty palms over her knees, letting out a shaky exhale as she stares out across the parking lot.

"Hey... you okay?" Shauna asks, sweet brown eyes swelling with concern.

"Mhm." It doesn't sound very convincing.

"Can I ask what's... what you're thinking about?" Shauna asks cautiously, just as Jackie relaxes into her seat with a long sigh. Shauna places a comforting hand over her shoulder, sweetly rubbing the spot there. "I'm, uh... I'm nervous too, by the way... not sure if that helps at all, but..." She laughs breathily, with a half-hearted shrug. A little grin flickers on and off Jackie's lips as she opens her eyes again.

"It's not just that, I think." She murmurs pensively, looking out over the parking lot again. She scans through the pockets of people at the far end as she thinks, searching for the right words. "Okay... so, we're..." Jackie shifts in her seat, looking at Shauna questioningly. "We're still best friends, right?"

Oh... this.

Shauna nods, quick and small.

"Okay." Jackie exhales in relief, hands out as she gestures through the next question. "But... today's been... a date, right?"

"Right." Shauna nods again, a little slower this time, glancing up for a moment as she thinks.

"And yesterday we were, uh... kind of, like... very intimate, in - in your car."

"Right."

Shauna's eyes have gone a little wide, cheeks softly burning over the words very intimate, her mind flooding with images of yesterday.

"So... when we go in there... and our friends are there... are - are we, like..." Jackie pauses, lip twitching as she battles it out with the next sentence. "Well, I mean - they already know I like you but that's not the point, it's more about - "

"What..?!" Shauna squeaks, leaning in her seat. Jackie jumps at the sudden exclamation, turning to find Shauna's brows up her forehead, mouth open in disbelief. "Jackie, what?"

"I - I told them I liked you! We were drunk and I felt happy and safe and finally closer to figuring out if I was..."

Say it.

Say it.

Just fucking say it -

"...gay, or like a - like a lesbian, or whatever."

Jackie swallows after pushing the sentence out of her. She sees a glint in Shauna's eyes when that word comes tumbling out. Shauna's lower lip shivers as she opens her mouth to talk, but Jackie continues fervently.

"Shauna, I have felt more for you in the last four seconds than I have for Jeff in the last four years." The sentence freezes Shauna to her seat, staring at her with wandering eyes, dancing all over Jackie's impassioned expression. Jackie's face is a little pink, but not from being giddy or excited, but because she's finally talking about it... about her, to her. Jackie's eyes sting in tandem with the aching pulse in her chest. "And I want to..." Her throat flexes as she fights her own words. "I want to be... proud, and - and brave - and all of these things but it's fucking hard - "

"I know." Shauna whispers quickly, gripping Jackie's shoulder tighter now. Jackie looks up at the inner car roof as she sighs, eyes shimmering red. She places an urgent hand over the one Shauna has on her shoulder and squeezes.

"You're my best friend in the whole world, Shauna." She says it with a teary smile, one that makes Shauna laugh weakly, pretty red-eyed herself. "And I don't ever want that to change, but I also... kind of do - in a way? Does - am I making sense?" Jackie frowns, worked up and flustered.

"Yeah - yeah, you are." Then Shauna makes a tiny sniffing sound and Jackie realises that they may both crying a little bit.

"Please don't cry, it'll fucking kill me." Jackie pleads with a faint chuckle, digging her fingers harder into Shauna's knuckles.

"Can I, uh... can I get over there?" Shauna asks, all raspy and small. She gestures to Jackie's side of the car with a little nod.

"Um, s - sure..." Jackie stutters the word out, watching as Shauna unbuckles herself and cautiously makes her way over. So... this is new. But Jackie liked being a big spoon to her so maybe she'll like this too. She blinks as Shauna carefully lowers herself onto Jackie's lap. Her hands naturally find Shauna's waist in a nervous grip. "Uh -" Jackie laughs a little bit to herself, which Shauna mirrors. She delicately cradles Jackie's face in her hands when she presses a kiss to her cheek, before sliding her arms around her shoulders and burying her face in Jackie's neck.

"Is this okay?" It comes out small and muffled against her skin... and it immediately reminds Jackie of the way Shauna had asked her that yesterday, out by that field, whispering it tenderly in her ear as she guided Jackie through it... 

"Yeah, um - yeah." Jackie stammers, even more flustered now. Yeah, Jackie definitely likes this too. She wraps her arms tighter around Shauna's waist, feeling her back arch as the action pulls Shauna's body against her. Yeah, Jackie likes this a lot actually.

"Keep going." Shauna encourages quietly. Jackie rests her face on her shoulders and shuts her eyes.

"So, I... I still wanna be best friends, but... in a different way." She says softly through an exhale. Shauna nods against her. Jackie rubs deep strokes across her back, listening to her breath as it passes through her. It makes her jealous again, and it's almost like Shauna knows it - placing a sweet kiss in the crook of Jackie's neck. "I wanna hold your hand, but... not the way we used to. I want us to be the same, but also not. I just - I want us to be more, Shauna." The phrase sends Shauna's careful hands into her hair, massaging the back of Jackie's head like she's holding something fragile and darling, and maybe she is.

"So do I." Shauna agrees softly.

"And I..." Jackie clears her throat, "And I wanna be... open. Like Tai and Van, or Mel and Gen, or - or - actually not like Nat and Lottie, those two have something weird going on - "

"Nat and Lottie?!" Shauna reels away from the safety of Jackie's neck, frowning and peering at Jackie in confusion.

"Duh." Jackie shrugs, leaning in a little. Shauna blinks, looking like she's racking her brain for evidence. "Remember just now how they were supposed to drive Van and Tai here but they had to - " Jackie removes her hands from Shauna's body to make air quotes. " - rush home because they had to do something..?" She quickly returns to her rightful spot around Shauna's waist, reeling her in closer. Something sparks in Shauna's eyes as Jackie presses them together - noses grazing softly. Jackie's gaze narrows playfully. "Sex, Shipman. They were having sex."

"I got that - but thank you so much for spelling it out to me, you asshole." Shauna grimaces, grumbling sarcastically. Jackie giggles at her as she rolls her eyes, returning to Jackie's shoulder. Shauna the rests the side of her head against hers. Jackie's got a great view of Shauna's collarbones from here and the temptation might just be the end of her.

"And, for you information..." Shauna murmurs, right in her ear. "I wanna be open, too." She tugs her arms a little stronger around Jackie's shoulders, letting her fingers glide through Jackie's hair, cradling the back of her head again. The action, compiled with the temptation of what's in front of her, beguiles Jackie forward... placing an open-mouthed kiss to the junction of Shauna's neck. Shauna's eyes and lips flutter at the sensation. "Um - and I, uh... I definitely want us to be..." Another kiss. "More than best friends, I think - "

"Mhm."

"Better than best friends."

"Yeah." Jackie's breath sends a small shiver down Shauna's spine - but her tongue and teeth spark a much bigger ripple through her.

"Jesus, fuck - Jax, I'm trying to confess to you that I wanna be out with you romantically over here - "

"Yeah, and I'm showing you that I agree." Jackie mumbles, before digging right back into the sensitive skin. She sinks in, tongue and teeth, sucking the spot a little harder. It coaxes this soft, pitchy wanting sound out of Shauna's throat that drives Jackie fucking insane.

"We're, um - we're in a parking lot, it's - it's kind of public - "

Jackie pulls away only to glance around. There's people at the far end, but nobody close by. Good enough. She constricts around Shauna's body again and goes right back to ravaging her neck, sucking harder now. Jackie can't mentally or physically prepare herself the surprised, urgent moan that Shauna releases by her ear. She keeps going as Shauna writhes sweetly against her, rolling her hips involuntarily, grinding gently.

"Jackie..." The way that Shauna whines it makes Jackie's head spin, and then she feels Shauna plant a firm hand on her collarbone, pushing back softly.

"I want you so bad - "

"Jackie..!" Shauna gasps, half-laughing this time around, grinning at her as she creates space between them. Jackie blinks up at her... suddenly thinking very clearly about what she just said to her.

"Uh - "

"We have - " Shauna gestures to the movie theatre at the opposite end of the parking lot, "We have places to be!" She exclaims, all red-faced and sweaty. Jackie sits up slightly in recognition.

"Uh, right - yeah, totally." She clears her throat, loosening her grip on Shauna's waist. "Sorry - sorry, we were having a serious conversation and I got, um... distracted."

"You don't have to apologise for turning me on, or whatever. Just, uh... maybe not before we're meeting our friends for a weird, unofficial group date thing." Shauna mumbles, not meeting her eyes. Jackie wants to circle back to the turning her on portion of that, but she finds herself frowning at the last part of the sentence.

"Yeah... it kind of is a weird, unofficial group date thing, isn't it?" She murmurs pensively. Shauna gives her a pretty knowing shrug as Jackie lays back, letting her hands rest over Shauna's thighs. A very dangerous place to be, she gives them a little squeeze.

"Jackie, what did I just say - "

"I know! I know, sorry..." Jackie sighs, raising her hands up in surrender. Shauna rolls her eyes as she makes her way back into the drivers seat. "They're just... they're great thighs, that's all."

"Oh, please. I've been working on my arms, not my legs. I could use a little variation, and maybe a stricter diet plan." Shauna snorts once she's back on her side of the car. Jackie smacks Shauna's arm sharply, making her drop her car keys in shock. "Jax, what the f - "

"If I catch you saying even one negative thing about your body Shauna - so help me god - I will put your head through that fucking window." And Jackie's serious too. No laughs or smiles, just glaring at Shauna, looking pretty cut up about Shauna's unnecessary self-criticism. Shauna relaxes back in her seat once she has her keys again.

"Jax, but it's just an observation - "

"And it's a dumb one. And I'll kill you for it." Jackie snaps. Shauna's about to say something but Jackie reaches over and grasps Shauna's inner thigh again - the action that sparked so much of this... "Why do you think I keep trying to touch you here?"

"I, uh - "

"Because you look fucking good, Shauna. You're - you're strong and it's sexy and I - I want you - I said that, didn't I?" Jackie lets go of her thigh after her mini outburst, releasing an irritated sigh. Shauna's silent for a moment, before clearing her throat.

"Not to be pedantic but, um - you actually said you want me so bad, which is super hot but also super different - "

"Oh, fuck you. You know what I mean." Jackie groans, nudging her. Shauna's got that dumb smirk on her face again, but its mixed with a little something else...

"I do know what you mean and I, uh... appreciate it." She reaches over to take Jackie's hand, and their fingers easily intertwine between them. Jackie gives her a supportive squeeze as they sit there quietly for a moment. "So... can we, like... can we do this - " Shauna lifts their hands a bit as a gesture. "When we're with everybody in there?" She asks slowly, watching as Jackie examines her face, and then her neck... before letting out a little huff.

"We might have no choice, Ship. I don't really want anybody speculating on which random guy gave you those." Jackie raises her eyebrows a bit as she darts her eyes over Shauna's neck again. Shauna stares at her for a moment, then her eyes go wide as she starts to realise - moving quickly to the rearview mirror and peering at herself... she turns her head to find the pocket of lovebites starting to show in her skin and her mouth falls open.

"Jackie..!" She whispers scoldingly, but Jackie's already laughing to herself, with her hand on the car door.

"What?" She asks innocently. Shauna groans as she unties her hair and shakes it out in a feeble attempt to hide the pattern of hickies. Jackie shouldn't be smiling this proudly. "What's wrong? I thought you were my Shauna?" She teases. Shauna shoots her a semi-irritated glance that slowly grows fonder.

"I am." She grumbles in defeat, much to Jackie's pleasure.

"Good." Jackie chirps, before she slips out the car and strolls around to the drivers side. She opens Shauna's door only to find her still cursing at Jackie under her breath. "Oh, don't be so dramatic!" Jackie hisses, extending a hand to her nonetheless. Shauna sits back with a little thud, glaring up at Jackie with an unamused expression.

"That's fucking rich coming from you, y'know." Shauna shoots back, taking her hand begrudgingly as she steps out onto the tarmac. Jackie leans to shut the door behind her, bringing their faces dangerously close once again.

"I promise I'll, um... I can make it up to you later." Jackie murmurs dreamily, keeping their gazes locked. She watches a familiar fiery panic in Shauna's eyes that never fails to make her grin smugly. She nudges Shauna in her ribs.

"Come on, Shipman. We've gotta movie to catch."

Chapter Text

Jackie tends to forget that she doesn't actually enjoy movie theatres.

The idea of one is great, but the actuality of it only really hits her once she's inside, and then it all comes rushing to the surface... too many mismatched patterns and popping sounds. Stale carpets and rushing bodies. It stinks. It's loud. Far too busy, far too bright. Jackie looks down, curiously pressing her shoe into the carpet and watching the fabric give way with an dissatisfying squish. She makes an unsavoury sound and grimaces. Shauna notices, following her gaze and scanning Jackie's face.

"You okay, Jax?" Her voice is soft and concerned. Jackie looks up to find a sea of worry in Shauna's eyes, intensely tracking Jackie's every expression, down to her most minuscule mannerisms.

"Totally, yeah... why?"

Has Jackie ever mentioned she's a terrible liar?

Shauna sighs and sets their movie food down. She dusts off her hands before bundling Jackie into them, pulling her head down onto her chest. It's Jackie's favourite kind of hug. Deb Shipman made them practice it ever since they were little. Jackie's arms lock around Shauna's waist, squeezing needfully. Shauna cradles the side of Jackie's face over her heart, with her hand applying stable pressure over Jackie's exposed ear.

That's the important part. No more chattering, popping sounds, doors whooshing, tickets flapping or any other irritants. Just dull droning and the steady thrum of Shauna's heart. Well... it's actually not so steady this time. Jackie smirks feebly, shutting her eyes as she listens...

"Your heart's really fast, Ship..." She murmurs against her. She feels Shauna's chest rise and fall with a deep breath - releasing it over Jackie's head, raising the hair on the back of her neck.

"Sorry." Shauna stammers out eventually, her voice quivering and muffled. Jackie can already picture the blush in her cheeks.

"Don't be." She nuzzles against her as they stay there for awhile, swaying on the spot. These days Jackie can usually manage herself when she gets a little overwhelmed in public, but there's a lot of added pressure today for obvious reasons...

"Good evening, shit-eaters." Van Palmer, ever the charmer. Jackie lifts up from Shauna's chest to see the whole group coming into view, all ready with their drinks, food and tickets. Tai, Van, Melissa, Gen, Nat, Lottie, Laura Lee and someone else. Someone Jackie's never seen before. Tai gives Van an affectionate nudge.

"I think what Van here means to say is - thanks again for the ride earlier, Shauna." She prompts, glaring at Van with her eyebrows raised. Van blanks for a second before she clicks her fingers at Shauna.

"Right. Thanks again, hotshot." She says, looking quite proud of herself. Before Shauna can respond, Nat nods to the very obvious Jackie in her arms.

"Jackie good?" She grunts out with mouthful of popcorn. Jackie rolls her eyes as she and Shauna separate from each other.

"Jackie better." She states, mimicking her caveman tone. Lottie grins at the imitation, but Jackie actually does feel better now. She knows it'll get easier when they're seated and she can focus on a screen rather than the eight million stimuli around her.

"She'll be happier when we sit down." Shauna tells them, reading Jackie's mind as always. She leans over to pick up their things, and as group's attention turns to the last girl speaking, Jackie notices their eyes widening in unison. She peers after them in confusion... before realising that Shauna's hair moves out the way as she gathers their belongings, leaving her neck exposed - darkening hickies on display for the whole world to see...

Right, Jackie forgot about those too.

She tries not to look at the spot. Instead her gaze is drawn over to Gen and Melissa, who have the most infuriating fucking smirks on their faces. Jackie glares daggers at the two of them, just about ready to hurtle forwards and choke them out one after the other.

"We ready to head in?" Shauna prompts, returning to the group casually.

Silence.

They kind of just blink back at her for awhile, palms rubbing over mouth, trying to avert their eyes. Shauna stares between them like they've just shared a secret behind her back. She cranes her head forward a little as she glares, which absolutely does not help disguise the obvious pattern on her skin.

"Hello?! The fuck is wrong with you?" Shauna gets out eventually, which seems to snap them out of the temporary silent spell.

"Right, yeah. The movie." Tai stutters, eyes shutting through a smile, like she can't stand to look at it without laughing. She then turns away from them, hands on her hips as she faces the movie house door.

"I, too, was thinking of the movie." Lottie adds, deadpanned and unconvincing. Laura Lee nods.

"As was I."

"Deeply."

"Deeply and truthfully."

Laura Lee and Lottie's exchange is quick and only confuses Shauna more. The other girl, the one who Jackie's never seen before, seems to be the only one just as lost as Shauna is. Laura Lee notices and puts a hand on her shoulder before Shauna can get another word out.

"So this is, um..." Laura Lee starts, and Shauna's open mouth shivers shut. The girl outstretches a hand to Jackie first. "This is April." As Laura Lee introduces her, Jackie spots the massive cross necklace swaying over her chest, and realises this must be that girl Laura Lee mentioned at the drag event.

Laura Lee's type... the one 'with a bit more class - y'know, decorum.' The unpredictable Church girl with the occasional stick up her ass finally has a name.

"April." Jackie muses, shaking her hand with a pleasant smile. "Nice to meet you. I'm Jackie." April has a sweet smile, one that's kind of reserved, a bit like Laura Lee.

"Nice to meet you too." Her eyes then flash between Jackie and Shauna. "So... if you're Jackie that must make you Shauna, right?" She asks it like they're a package deal, which... yeah, they are. Shauna looks a little taken aback by the connection but nods anyways, shaking her hand too.

"That I am." She confirms with a small, breathy laugh. April's about to walk away when she pauses to look back at her, starting to pull open her bag.

"Do you, like... do you need concealer, by the way? I don't know if we're the same shade but I thought - "

Van's snort is what breaks the group's resolve - exploding into giggles and wheezing for air.

"What...?!" Shauna squeaks, eyes wide, horror in her expression. It doesn't take her long to figure out, especially with how April's eyes dart over Shauna's neck before Laura Lee is reeling her back. "Okay, y'know what? Fuck you guys." Shauna grumbles, which does not quell the laughter one bit. Shauna pulls her hair over the spot, which barely hides it at all. She has a look of betrayal in her eyes when she spots Jackie also attempting to stifle a laugh. "Well? Are we going to watch this stupid fucking movie or not?"

"Shauna, shut your whore-mouth."

Van gasps the words out, caught in between chuckles. It only stirs up the commotion even more. Jackie shouldn't be laughing, but how can she not? Shauna's all red-faced and flustered, eyes down and pouting angrily. Pouting cute and pretty. Tai seems to be the most composed out of all of them, reaching a gentle hand out to uncover the spot again.

"Come on, you big baby, lemme see - "

"Piss off, dude!" Shauna snaps quickly swatting Tai away, totally mortified as the laughter rings out around her. Jackie can't remember if she's ever heard Shauna call someone 'dude' before, and she hates to admit that it's kind of... attractive. Either way, she presses her hand harder over her mouth as she grins, looking anywhere but at her.

And all Shauna can think of is of course Jackie would be covering her mouth - the evil thing that did this to her in the first place...

Well... she doesn't think it's totally evil...

In fact, Shauna's actually kind of obsessed with the stupid thing.

At least all of them look ridiculous once the movie starts.

Hypnotised eyes glued to the screen, watching every shot with expertly curated attention to detail. Jackie's really glad everybody's so focused on the movie otherwise they'd see the blush in her cheeks. Especially as the two lead women lay it on thick, dragging over their words and casting these yearning, sensual gazes at one another. Jackie glances over at Shauna and wonders if it looks the same.

Shauna's sunken in her seat a little, eyes locked on the tension of the scene. Her elbow is perched on the armrest as she cups her chin in her palm, trying to hide a smile. God, is she ever not fucking adorable? Shauna must feel Jackie's stare as she turns ever so slightly to meet her eyes. They share a muffled giggle between them that immediately has Nat's kicking the back of Jackie's seat in annoyance.

"Quiet, fucker." She orders under her breath just as Jackie shoots a fiery look back at her.

"Natalie," Lottie whispers into her hair, "Play nice." It's a simple, effective command that seems to always work on Nat - because she's shortly simmering back down into her seat with a huff, arms folded. Lottie grins, satisfied before sliding a long arm over Nat's shoulders. The furious shorter girl temporarily goes stiff before petulantly leaning into the gesture, relaxing against Lottie. Jackie flashes a teasing look at her that makes Nat's leg jerk forward to kick her chair again, but thankfully she's stopped just in time when Lottie grips her tighter.

Then, Lottie says something to Nat... and at first Jackie isn't sure if she hears it correctly, she knows she certainly wasn't meant to hear it - or maybe she was, it's really hard to tell whatever the fuck they've got going on. But Jackie's pretty sure she hears Lottie call Nat a...

"...good girl."

Both Jackie and Nat freeze, eyes locked and blowing out over the comment.

Okey-dokey then, that's enough of that.

Jackie swiftly returns to face the screen.

Oh, Natalie... Jackie will never let her live that down.

She hones back in on the movie, and realises that her focus keeps fluctuating between Gina Gershon's character Corky, and Shauna. Maybe in another world, Shauna Shipman would be leaning in doorways with that troublesome, dangerous smirk of hers - tatted up, with more piercings, necklaces, those rings, parading around in sexy tank tops and boxers.

Jackie goes a rigid in her seat because the thought is certainly... intriguing.

It gets even more intriguing when Jennifer Tilly's character Violet, is suddenly pulling her bra down and the camera is fucking zooming in. Jackie swears Shauna would drop to her knees right now if she wasn't already sitting - and Jackie can't blame her. She's seeing the vision pretty clearly at the moment, even though her actual vision blurs when the main characters have a near-sex scene in the first ten minutes.

And as Violet puts her arm around Corky, Jackie starts to wonder if maybe... maybe she sees herself in Violet a little. Firstly, she absolutely adores her outfits. Those paper-thin, body-hugging, elegant fabrics that cling onto her skin so tantalisingly. Jackie wants those. She also wants to put her arm over Shauna like that too - just as Jackie likes being her big spoon or letting Shauna straddle her lap, and -

Oh.

Not even five minutes since the last heated exchange and there's already a sex scene. One that kind of drives Jackie crazy because of what Violet is doing to Corky. And if Jackie's like Violet and Shauna's like Corky, then...

...Jackie's face stays pink for the remainder of the sequence. Eyes fluttering slightly with each passing second as she starts to realise that maybe... maybe she wants to do that to Shauna. Maybe even something more. An unspoken little something that's always been a sensitive topic for Jackie.

The heat in her face only worsens when the next scene opens with Corky wearing absolutely nothing but a flannel shirt. God fucking damn it. Shauna and those stupid flannel shirts of hers. Jackie can't help but picture Shauna in Corky's place. Soft and warm and naked and dripping in that stupid fucking flannel. Jackie has to physically force her gaze into the dark spots of the theatre just to think of anything else.

Jesus Christ, they're only at the start of this movie and Jackie's already lost her goddamn mind.

And then she proceeds to lose it some more...

...there's a tiny movement over the armrest. It's only small. Small, cautious and brushing fondly against her. Jackie's gaze lowers to find Shauna's hand next to hers. Shauna's pinky finger is outstretched slightly and administering subtle, tender strokes against Jackie's. The movements are sweet and stainless, charming Jackie into curiously pressing her own pinky finger against Shauna's in response.

Another question answered between them in a wordless exchange. 

Their hands turn and meet over the armrest. Palm to palm, fingers intertwined, thumbs rubbing, squeezing each other little.

They don't have to look at each other to feel the spellbound smiles radiating off of them. Because even in the dark, even in the silence, they're still making it real. Not hidden behind a double-locked bedroom door or shacked up in Shauna's car. They're in public, in a movie theatre, surrounded by strangers and more importantly - their friends... who are all definitely, admittedly, sneaking a little peak.

Nat's leg is twitching with the chaotic urge to kick the living shit outta Jackie's seat - but she decides to play nice, as instructed. Especially since she's pretty sure Jackie heard Lottie saying those words to her. Nat cringes, but at least the sweet gesture seems to be make Lottie content too. She pulls Nat a little tighter against her and plants a kiss to her temple.

Yeah... Nat can play nice for the rest of the movie, that's for sure.

Unfortunately though, the movie isn't all about girl-kissing and boob shots... which is a naturally devastating discovery for everyone involved.

There's a whole lot of stress and violence that Jackie isn't such a huge fan of. But Shauna has a good time with those sequences, and at least Jackie can hold onto her whenever she gets a little overwhelmed by all the sights and sounds. Shauna always squeezes back whenever Jackie needs her to, grounding her there, keeping her comforted.

The movie ends with Corky and Violet's fingers lacing together just as theirs do... it also ends with another kiss, which... maybe they can hold off on that part for tonight, especially when the overhead lights turn back on, which Jackie always finds incredibly jarring. She flinches and lets out a small grunt of discomfort.

"Yeah. Fuck these lights." Shauna grumbles, reading her mind in agreement once again. "Come on, Jax."

Jackie doesn't even realise they're still holding hands until they're out in the parking lot, and a passing breeze makes the clammy patch between their palms grow cold.

"Um - "

"Did anybody else think at least one of them was gonna die in the end?" Melissa asks casually. Everybody turns and glares at her. She watches as Gen sighs and rubs her forehead, bracing herself for whatever wave of stupidity is on the rise. Melissa shrugs wildly at everyone. "What? Nobody else?"

"Why? Why would you ever think that, Mel?" Laura Lee pleads, looking a little exasperated. Nat rolls her eyes, hanging off to the side. She ignites the cigarette between her lips before passing the lighter over to Lottie, who does the same.

"Oh, wow!" Melissa scoffs, "So now I'm not even allowed to think?!"

"Nobody said that. Nobody has ever said those words to you." Gen's tone is devastating, even as she tenderly strokes a stray strand of Melissa's hair out of her face. Jackie has to pinch the bridge of her nose, rubbing the spot sorely as she listens to the dumb conversation unfolding.

"Sheriff Taylor?" Comes a soft call. It makes Jackie stand to attention and search, finding Nat's eyes on her. Nat gestures for Jackie to join her by Lottie's car, away from the stupid discussion between them. Jackie checks Shauna for approval, which Shauna frowns at.

"You don't have to ask for permission, cowboy." She teases quietly, giving Jackie a soft nudge with her hip. Jackie smirks and nudges her right back.

"Whatever, fine." It feels weird letting go of her hand. She's been getting used to it being there when she needs it. Jackie meanders over to Nat just as she takes a long drag from her cigarette, patiently anticipating her approach. Lottie slips off to join the movie conspiracy theory conversation with the rest of them, leaving Nat and Jackie alone.

Jackie stops by Nat's feet with her arms crossed expectantly.

"You rang, burnout?" She starts, head tilted. Nat pauses to absorb the comment before her jaw rolls over with a smirk, one that Jackie feels her own lips mimicking.

"Sure did, you prudish fucking bitch." Nat returns in a low voice, lifting the cigarette back up to her mouth. Jackie lets a small huff of laughter leave her chest before she turns on her heel, leaning back on Lottie's car beside her.

"Y'know, Nat. Those are some pretty cruel words for such a good girl - "

Nat jabs Jackie in the side to put an end to that sentence, but it's too late and Jackie's already laughing at her. Nat's face grows warm as her body tenses up.

"Fuck you." She bites under her breath, trying to look anywhere but at her. Nat's eyes wander back over to the group as they debate, and she snorts a little, releasing a cloud of smoke from her lips. "Nice work on Shipman's neck, by the way. Real classy stuff."

"Oh, ha-ha. Is that seriously why you called me over here? To talk about what Shauna and I are getting up to in private?"

"But there is a 'Shauna and you', right?"

Nat's question makes way for a few seconds of silence between them. When she ultimately looks over, she finds that Jackie's expression is distant, pensive and longing... Jackie sighs achingly.

"I mean, hasn't there always been?" She muses, face slightly flushed under the moonlight. "I guess we're kind of harder to define right now though."

"Yeah. Story of my fucking life." Nat utters under her breath with a low chuckle. Jackie grins, honestly kind of glad she isn't the only one trying to understand what labels apply to her love-life. "How's it been going? You and Ship?" Nat asks... and she really should've waited before inhaling smoke again, because Jackie replies almost immediately with...

"Actually, she kinda got me off in her car the other day, so that's new - "

Nat coughs up whatever smoke she had halfway in her lungs, hunching over, arm shielding her face. Jackie jumps in surprise as if she didn't just admit that to Nat out of the blue, mid-inhale. She pats Nat's back pathetically.

"Jesus Christ, Jackie!" Nat wheezes, glaring at her in disbelief with watery eyes and a red face.

"What?!"

"I dunno! I just - I wasn't expecting you to say that!"

"Okay, well?! Sorry for sharing then I guess!" Jackie shrugs sarcastically before thudding back against Lottie's car. Nat curses under her breath and rubs her face, exhausted and impatient. There's another brief gap of silence between them as they settle down again. And then Nat's boot swings over, tapping Jackie's ankle out of curiosity as she asks...

"Well? Was it, y'know... was she good?"

Jackie has to stall over the question, racking her brain for an appropriate answer as she chews on the inside of her cheek. Nat prods her side and their eyes meet, much to Jackie's surprise - as she desperately tries fight off a very telling smirk. Nat scoffs with laughter at the sight of her, nodding understandingly.

"Holy shit. Fair play to Shipman."

"Mhm."

"Pretty big improvement since our first talk, huh?" Nat probes curiously, like she's reminiscing on the memory. Jackie smiles, fond and feeble. God, that talk in the alley.

The talk that kickstarted everything. Jackie would've never gone to the GSA without her suggestion, it would've never even crossed her mind. She would've never read, watched, consumed or learned - not for God knows how long. Maybe she would've decided to stick it out with Jeff with the millionth time, ashamed and clinging on... waiting for that moment where everything clicks.

It could've taken years.

It could've never happened at all.

Jackie doesn't want to think about that timeline. She doesn't want to get caught up in a timeline of not knowing. A timeline where she never hangs out with Mel and Gen, or sees the cheerleader in the GSA lunchroom. A timeline where she never puts on that cowboy hat and sits on the swings with Laura Lee. A timeline where maybe - just maybe - she never gets to taste Shauna Shipman on her lips or feel her fingers between her thighs.

It's worth it, feeling like this. Not cowering in fear and ignorance, hiding from her parents' wrath and flinching at the hand that feeds her. It's worth it, just to see Shauna smile at her like this across the parking lot. It's worth it, seeing the love-bites in her skin, knowing that Jackie made them for her and only her.

Her Shauna.

"I really fucking love her, Nat." Jackie whispers after some time passes. She didn't even realise her eyes have started watering, head swimming in terrifying thoughts... horrific hypotheticals, torturous timelines that she can't even fathom. Nat places a comforting hand on Jackie's shoulder. They're getting better at this friendship thing.

"I know you do, big guy." Nat mumbles, rocking her shoulders reassuringly. "But you should probably be telling her that, y'know." She encourages. Jackie nods anxiously, and then clears her throat.

"Actually, I think I wanna show her I love her, if y'know what I mean..." Jackie trails off a little, only glancing back at Nat when she hears a devious chuckle at her side.

"Really now? Is that so?" Nat asks playfully, with an absolute bastard of a smug expression on her face. Jackie gives her a weak shove over the comment, but it just makes Nat giggle even more. Jackie folds her arms again, actually attempting to think through her next question for a change.

"Do you have any tips? Or is that a weird thing to ask?"

"Are you asking me for a crash course on lesbian sex so you can jerk Shauna off in her shitmobile - "

"Jerk?!" Jackie gasps a little too loudly and defensively, eyes wide and horrified. She quickly lowers her voice and painfully stabs an angry finger into Nat's collarbone. "Jerk off?!" She whispers animatedly, infuriated and gobsmacked. Nat is giggling and fucking stupid - because getting Jackie worked up is quickest to make her day

"Holy fuck, you are too easy - "

"Nat, I was being serious!"

"So was I!" Nat squeaks back at her, arms flailing in a shrug. "Okay, let me put it this way..." Nat clasps her hands together and takes a deep breath... 

"Jackie? Have you ever eaten a peach?"

The question hangs all alone in the air... Jackie blinks, bug-eyed and stunned, glaring at her ferociously. Nat swears she can see Jackie's knees jittering like a newborn foal in a barn house.

"Natalie... why the fuck are we talking about fucking fruits right now...?!" Jackie whimpers, erratic and useless. Nat rolls her head back and sighs with her eyes shut. She then reaches forward and firmly grips Jackie's shoulders, still partially savouring that classic knee-jerk Jackie Taylor reaction from earlier.

"Never mind." Nat tells her sternly, but Jackie definitely still minds. Although she doesn't get a chance pester her further as Nat continues on. "Jackie, it's gonna be fine... remember what I told you to do in the alley?" It's a terrible question. Nat told Jackie a whole lot of things in that alley and none of it was gay sex advice. Jackie frowns, eyes darting upwards as she tries to think back.

"You told me to... read?"

"No, not that part." Nat cringes, reeling away a little at the reply. "The part about, y'know... talking to people and actually fucking listening."

Oh, that part.

"Right, so I have to... talk to her?" Jackie murmurs, nodding slowly as her brain ticks, processing. Nat pats Jackie's shoulders for a little more encouragement.

"Look, everyone's different. We all like different things, and the only way you're gonna figure it out is by asking her what... y'know... gets her juices flowing, or whatever." Nat shrugs nonchalantly, letting her hands slip off Jackie's shoulders.

"Her juices..?" Jackie grimaces at the analogy before groaning in frustration. "Ew, Nat..."

"What? You asked for my advice and I'm fucking delivering it to you, Jackie!" Nat exclaims exasperatedly, although still keeping her voice low. Jackie groans as winces again over Nat's wording. When she looks up, she locks onto Shauna's warm, toothy, handsome smile amidst the group's conversation... and holy fuck, does Jackie ever want her. She's screwed. "You'll be fine, trust me." Nat combats her brain, speaking gently again. Jackie nods once more, quiet and pensive as she sifts through Nat's words.

"I do trust you..." She confesses slowly, sincerity riddling her voice. "You know that right? I mean, Nat, you're... you're a really fucking good friend, and... you were there for me when I didn't deserve it." The admission seems to stun Nat for some time. Blinking as she lets the words sink in, almost like she's cradling them, clinging on and squeezing tight. It looks like Nat has to pinch herself to start speaking again.

"That's actually, um... that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about, believe it or not." Nat tries to play it off with a laugh, but her voice is already straining and her eyes are glistening faintly. Jackie studies her uncertainly, watching as she exhales low and slow. "I was, uh... I was really hard on you, back then."

"Nat, it's fine, I needed that - "

"No, Jackie, just... listen." Nat shuts her eyes over the last word. When she opens them again, Jackie is quiet. She doesn't protest as Nat continues, she listens until she's done. "When I said those things, I think I was saying it to this other version of you... someone I thought you were... but you aren't that person, and... and I was wrong... look, what I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry, Jackie."

A heartfelt apology from Natalie Scatorrcio is one of the rarest and purest sights to behold. And Jackie, now red-eyed and squirming slightly on the spot, is evidently fully aware of that fact. Nat looks like she's bracing herself for impact, which she definitely should be. "Fuck, man... are you gonna jump me again because - " Before she can get a verbal answer, Jackie's responds by flinging her arms around Nat and is crushing her into a bear hug. "Ow - fuck my life - " Nat grunts as Jackie almost knocks her over.

"Tighter?"

"No! Not tighter, you bitch - "

"Geez, sorry!"

As Jackie scrambles to loosens her grip, she actually hears Nat laughing hoarsely against her, and then she realises... it's kind of like their hug in the alley, and it makes her kind of nostalgic too. Jackie grins into her shoulder as Nat begrudgingly (but also totally willingly) holds Jackie back.

It's extremely cathartic until...

"What the flying fuck are you losers doing?!" Van calls out in confusion. The group stares at the strange, out of place display of affection. Nat suddenly becomes very determined to battle her way out of Jackie's adoration, cursing into her shoulder, clawing and elbowing her belly and sides.

"Ouch! Natalie - "

"Enough!" Nat whispers scoldingly.

"Seriously, what is wrong with them?" Tai murmurs, just as lost as everyone else.

"Wait, is Jackie crying?" Laura Lee asks in a hushed voice. The question makes Shauna instantly stray from the group, worried puppy eyes defensively searching for these Taylor tears Laura Lee speaks of.

"I said that's enough!" Nat snaps, finally managing to wriggle and wrestle her way out of the embrace. She emerges with her hair a little tousled and leather jacket askew, but Jackie is quick to reach out and fix it for her.

"Sorry, you know I need to hug really tight - "

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Nat grumbles, swatting Jackie's anxious hands away before setting her own on her hips. Jackie starts to hobble off towards Shauna before turning her head - firing off a quick little...

"Love you, Nat."

"EAT SHIT, JACKIE!"

It's an automatic, guttural response that Nat immediately catches herself on.

"Fuck, sorry - love you or whatever - now piss off." She waves a hand in her general direction before looking up at Lottie expectantly. "Well? We getting out of this dump or what?"

Lottie glares at her after the blunt question, and Nat quickly realises the error of her ways... but before Jackie can hear Lottie unload her frustration, she rushes over to Shauna, who's already away from the main group and approaching her fast.

"Hey, you okay?" Shauna asks when she's near enough, eyes soft and concerned as they scroll over Jackie's face. Jackie thuds into Shauna's chest with a sweet little 'hmph' noise in the back of her throat.

"Yeah." Jackie's voice is small and muffled as Shauna wraps her arms around her. They sway on the spot for a moment, basking in the moonlight. God, her arms are so strong, and she smells so fucking good, and Jackie just wants to - no, she needs to ask.

"Shauna?" She purrs softly, for her ears only.

"Mhm?"

Jackie ponders quietly before speaking up again...

"...is your mom home tonight?"

Thank you, Deb Shipman, for your service and for your empty home.

Okay, now that that's out the way - Jackie would rather not think about the mother of the person underneath her right now.

The one panting all hot and confused as she fumbles to undo her belt without looking. The one that tries to act all suave but is just far too fucking cute when she's flustered. The one that's also extremely fucking stubborn... currently cursing angrily at her own belt buckle like it's some sort of devious betrayer... when, really, she could just open her goddamn eyes like a normal person. Jackie smiles into Shauna's neck, kissing and sucking on the still very sensitive skin she finds there.

And as Jackie pins Shauna into her mattress, she really starts to think about how natural this feels compared to anything she's ever done with Jeff. Helping Shauna drag her shorts down, tossing them aside, watching the way Shauna's thighs part for Jackie's knee to slot between them. And Shauna's moans - they're all high and whiny - which Jackie isn't sure she expected but she's drunk on the way they fall so freely from Shauna's mouth.

She trusts her instincts with the knee thing only because it's what Shauna first tried in the car, so she's hoping that means it's something she likes... and judging by how keenly Shauna locks onto her leg and pulls Jackie harder against her, whimpering shakily as she does so... Jackie has a feeling her intuition might've been right this time.

For once in her fucking life.

She can't help but think about how different this looks from the sex she's been taught about all her life.

The girl beneath her, so focused on winding her hips up into Jackie - letting all these dizzying, mewling sounds come tumbling out of her lips. Lips that Jackie can't stop kissing, absorbing each motion, each jealous breath, each moan. She watches Shauna's brow as it ties itself into knots, mouth twitching as she rolls over Jackie's knee again and again...

Jackie wishes she knew this about this before, about other types of sex. The classifications in Jackie's world used to be so hostile and authoritarian. Packed into these rigid categorical boxes. Distinguished only by the most bare-bones, cis-heteronormative, traditionalist interpretation of 'when a man loves a woman'... but Jackie doesn't love a man, and she's ultimately certain she never fucking will.

How could she?

How could she ever when she loves Shauna?

Her Shauna, who's hands tremble as she takes off her underwear, clumsy but eager. And her Jackie, with a mind on fire, staring dumbly as Shauna divides her thighs to make room for her knee again... and when her skin directly meets Shauna's bare centre she hears a small, surprised gasp from beneath her. Shauna shudders, involuntarily jolting away from Jackie, evidently a little overwhelmed.

"Sorry, this is just a lot - "

"Please don't apologise." Jackie tells her quickly. No apologies allowed, especially not right now. She tries to be as encouraging as she can be, delicately rubbing circles into Shauna's hip bones, observing her with patience and adoration as Shauna takes her time to get situated. When her knee makes contact again, Shauna's chest rises and falls in rapid succession, gripping onto Jackie for support.

"You're okay, Shauna. I've got you."

The little note of encouragement seems to spur Shauna on. Curiously starting to rock herself over the sweet spot again, making sure to be careful and slow this time. The gentler motions draw heated breaths out of her, eyes fluttering backwards as she finds the pleasure in her pacing.

Communicate, Taylor.

Talk to her and fucking listen.

"Can you, um... can you tell me what you need?" The question is soft-spoken and a little frazzled, rewarding Jackie with a frantic noise from the back of Shauna's throat.

"Fuck, I - I don't really know, Jax." Shauna's speech is a little breathy and jumbled, eyes dead-set on the space down between them. Jackie holds her chin when she kisses her cheek.

"Okay, that's fine we can - we can figure it out, and Shauna..." She pauses, pulling away to make eye contact as she says the next part. "...we don't have to do anything you're not ready for... you know that, right?" She needs her to know.

Especially since this isn't just Shauna's first time with Jackie, it's Shauna's first time with anyone. So Shauna needs to hear it. She needs to know that she's going to be listened to and cared for. Whatever she desires, whatever she's comfortable with. Whatever she wants, Jackie will comply. Not out of obligation or guilt, but purely because she loves her. Loves her so much she can barely breathe.

Shauna's movements have slowed a little underneath Jackie, and she nods after a moment of contemplation.

"I know." She stutters in a small voice, eyes watery. Rosy-cheeked and beautiful. Her lip quivers as she confesses further. "So I, um... I don't think I'm ready for any form of, like... penetration." Shauna admits, wincing over the word, a little embarrassed by it and the statement itself.

"We can stop whenever you want to, Shipman. Even right now." Jackie reassures her quietly, driving fingers into her hair, massaging her scalp all gentle and slow. A languid, dreamy smile makes its way onto her lips. "I really, really like spooning you anyway." She tells her, stroking the warmth in Shauna's cheeks. Shauna smiles back, but her eyes are foggy and hazy, still slowly grinding her centre over Jackie's knee.

Whatever she wants. It doesn't matter what it is. If Shauna wants nothing from her then Jackie will give it to her in a heartbeat.

"Well, I... definitely don't wanna stop." Shauna purrs, and the smirk on her face warm and timid. She's too fucking cute and has Jackie grinning when she leans in to kiss to the side of her nose. "I'm just not ready for anything, y'know... inside." Shauna whispers bashfully, squinting adoringly up at Jackie as she presses another kiss on the other side of her nose.

"I fucking love your nose, you know that?" Jackie reminds her tenderly.

Shauna's eyes are unfocused and her head is dizzy, spiralling as the next sentence spills right out of her...

"God, I fucking love you, Jackie - "

Jackie pauses and stares.

She stares because this whole time, she's been punching walls and going feral, agonising over if she'd ever have the courage to tell Shauna. But turns out, Shauna's more courageous than her. Admitting it so easily and so quickly, tumbling out of her like there was absolutely nothing she could do to hold it back anymore.

Only now does Jackie realise that Shauna's movements have gone totally still underneath her, and she's glaring up at Jackie with terror-striken, panicked eyes.

Oh, right... Jackie hasn't said it back yet.

Shauna's mouth trembles opens to speak - maybe even to take it back - but Jackie urgently cuts past her.

"Fuck, I love you too! Shit, sorry I just - I spaced out a little, sorry!"

As soon Shauna hears it said back to her, her muscles relax under Jackie again and she breathes out a hoarse sigh of relief.

"Sorry." Jackie repeats through a short, breathy giggle. She leans to trail kisses all over her face, hoping to partially make up for the spike of overwrought devastation she just sparked in Shauna. By the time she's certain she's covered every inch of her face, her lips are searing from the warmth in Shauna's cheeks.

Jackie pulls back to admire her handiwork.

A classically beet-red Shauna Shipman with lipgloss peppered all over her skin. A dizzying, amorous smile on her lips - lips that Jackie wants to kiss and bite until they're numb and swollen. And those dark eyes, overflowing with devotion and a carnal fever, adoration and aching... wanting and needing... all for her.

Jackie's head goes empty at the sight of her.

"I really, really, really fucking love you, Shipman."

Jackie finally leans down to reconnect their lips. The kisses are soft, slow and deep. Unlike when they first came crashing into Shauna's bedroom earlier - slamming through the doorway, poorly calculated, desperate and urgent, clawing at each other and whimpering.

There's still plenty of time to do that again later, but right now Jackie wants to take her time.

Because Shauna loves her. Shauna fucking loves her.

So her lips stay slow, and so does her knee... tenderly applying pressure to her centre, rocking in steady waves to gently build her up again. Shauna matches her movements, and the noises that come spilling out of her almost splinter Jackie's skull to pieces. Then her whimpers turn into moans, and her hips grow faster and frantic. Jackie feels Shauna's hand on her wrist, carefully guiding it down her stomach and beyond...

"Is this okay?" She whispers against Jackie's lips.

"Yeah." Jackie confirms hazily, letting Shauna show her exactly where she needs her. Her hand disappears between Shauna's thighs and Shauna calls out, nails in Jackie's skin as her back arches up. Jackie tries to mimic what Shauna did to her in the car - slow, deep circles over her clit, gradually increasing as she kisses her neck. Shauna's hips buck against Jackie's fingers, holding onto her tighter, panting and moaning nonsensically into her hair... but Jackie can't stop thinking about something she told Nat earlier...

I wanna show her I love her, if y'know what I mean...

Jackie isn't sure how to say it. So she buries her face in Shauna's neck and hides there as she touches her, working up the courage to tilt her head to whisper in Shauna's ear.

"Can we try something?" Jackie asks against her. The response she gets back is a disorganised, cluster-fuck of a sentence.

"What - huh - whatchusay - "

"Jesus, Shipman! Get a grip!" Jackie teases darkly against her, smirking amusedly. Usually Shauna would cuss her out, but this time all she's able to do is pant and gasp as she tries her absolute best to focus.

"You said, um - try? Something?"

It's a sensitive topic.

There's a brief pause from above as Jackie thinks, slowing her fingers over her - dragging an aching, headless sigh from Shauna's lips that makes her chest shudder.

It's a sensitive topic that Jeff never felt comfortable with, and Jackie always thought that was normal. The excuses always seem fucking endless, no matter who you talk to... because girls don't really need that stuff the way guys do, because guys think it's unhygienic, because it's too complicated, because it takes too long...

It's what Jackie's always heard. And worst of all, she always believed it. Why wouldn't she? She didn't know any better back then, but she sure as hell knows now.

And there's no time quite like the present.

So, Jackie turns her head - and she asks...

...Shauna's lets out a sharp, feverish breath, eyes blowing out wildly as she listens. She stays muted for quite some time. Blinking up at the ceiling, eyes darting as her brain melts right out of her skull.

"Shauna?" Jackie's voice floats into her ear again after a little too much time passes. Shauna clears her throat, stammering a bunch of useless sounds as she tries to form a response. Jackie's patient with her, letting her get the nerves out. Shauna eventually settles on eagerly nodding in agreement. Her hands, shaky and clammy, climb up Jackie's body.

"Alright, just... just tell me what feels good, okay?" Jackie breathes.

Shauna nods again...

Her fingers thread through Jackie's hair and tighten...

Jackie?

Have you ever eaten a peach?

Jackie sinks her teeth into the sweet, tender skin...

Pulling it eagerly into her mouth...

Swirling the flesh over her tongue, again and again...

Tasting every single inch...

Hungrily swallowing it all down...

She lets the juices dribble freely down her chin before wiping it away with the back of her hand...

"...Thanks for the peach, Ms. Ship."

Shauna gags on her coffee - choking, slamming the mug down as she doubles over into a coughing fit. Jackie grins smugly as Deb Shipman comes up behind Shauna, rubbing her back soothingly.

"Aw, sweet-pea... you okay?" She asks in that tender, maternal tone that always sounds so alien to Jackie.

"Yup." Shauna wheezes, remaining hunched over the kitchen counter, ears burning a humiliating red. She jots out a shaky thumbs up with a little squeak at the back of her throat. Deb sighs and looks lovingly over at Jackie.

"And you're welcome, Jackie."

"You're the best, y'know that?" Jackie smiles at her, feigning innocence. Deb affectionately holds Jackie by the side of her face and plants a motherly kiss on the top of her head. Jackie loves those. Genuinely, truly loves them with her whole heart. She has to stop herself from grabbing Deb and locking her in a huge bear hug, even though she knows she'll get one of those on her way out.

Speaking of which...

"We should probably get going, mom." Shauna announces, swiftly downing the remainder of her coffee. Deb looks over her shoulder to glance between them. She gestures at Jackie before returning to the morning paper.

"At least let her finish, Shaunie."

Shauna looks over at Jackie, watching as she tears another piece of the fruity flesh into her mouth.

"Yeah, Shauna." Jackie agrees, head tilted and peering at her under furrowed brows. She nods at Shauna's empty breakfast plate.

"I mean... I let you finish, didn't I?"

At least Shauna isn't actively drinking something this time.

Shauna flops into the drivers seat and slams the door after. Her forehead thumps onto the steering wheel and she groans from the depths of her stomach. Jackie, on the other hand, slides into the seat beside her with a satisfied smile and a pleasant sigh, tugging the seatbelt over her chest and waiting patiently with her hands on her knees. She opens her mouth to speak but Shauna beats her to it with a noise - thudding her forehead into the steering wheel repeatedly at a rhythmic pace. Jackie's shoulders fall at her sides.

"Gosh, you are such a drama queen - "

The car horn honks softly from the pressure, making Jackie almost jump out of her skin. Shauna rolls over the wheel with a pained expression.

Unfortunately for her, the pink in her cheeks and the sweat down her neck only serves to remind Jackie of last night...

...Shauna's heels digging desperately into the bedsheets as she writhes uncontrollably, head rolling back over the pillow, eyes fluttering up into her skull, panting and whimpering and whining, hands lost in Jackie's hair, head bobbing between her legs...

"Fuck, Jax - I think I'm gonna - "

" - kill you if you ever act like that in front of my mom again." Shauna tells her in a warning tone as they peel out the driveway, even though it's clear she's fighting off a smile.

"I'd like to see you try." Jackie challenges, ever the menace. Shauna shoots her a look in the rearview mirror - where Jackie is casually reapplying her lipgloss in the reflection. Shauna sucks in a sharp breath through her teeth, thinking of last night's lipgloss all over her face...

...and her neck, her chest, down her stomach, slipping between her thighs -

"Just - " Shauna winces, batting away the thoughts. "Just try to behave, please."

"Fine." Jackie sighs, defeatedly. "You win this time." The remark seems to reinstate some of Shauna's confidence once again.

"I win every time." She scoffs, keeping her on the road. Jackie looks over at her, ready to fire back another retort... but God, Shipman... it must be true, what people say about sex and afterglows, because Shauna is absolutely radiating whenever she smiles. Teeth on display - those goddamn incisors - gleaming wide and prideful. A glimmer in her eyes and the blush in her cheeks. Aside from last night, Jackie can't remember if Shauna's ever smiled like this before. So immensely proud, smug and satisfied.

"Fuck you. You're handsome." Jackie sighs, folding her arms and sitting back hard, more annoyed than anything. Shauna frowns a little over the comment.

"Handsome?" She questions unsurely.

"Yeah - hot, cute, pretty, I dunno - beautiful or whatever..." Jackie mutters, head shaking as she starts to get even more flustered. Shauna smirks up ahead, rings clinking over the wheel... god, those fucking rings.

"My rings?" Shauna pipes up, with brows raised. Oh... Jackie must've said that last part out loud. Shauna revels in Jackie's expression, finally having the upper hand between them once again after that breakfast fiasco. Jackie wants to roll her eyes at Shauna, but she's just so... perfect. The way she moves, the way she talks. Jackie knows Shauna's speaking, but she can barely hear her at this point. She watches her hands and her thighs, her eyes and her smile, her chest as it rises and falls with each passing breath.

The way the warm morning sunlight sifts through her hair, fanning out over her skin... 

The way that she moans Jackie's name when she comes undone...

...calling out with ruined vocal cords, loud enough to drown out the creaking bedsprings, thrusting upwards unabashedly - whilst Jackie's mouth, tongue and nose glide through her, twitching as Jackie kisses, tastes, sucks and drinks - and even through the blinding ecstasy, Shauna still manages to cry out Jackie's name in total clarity...

Jackie doesn't know how long she's been staring at her, eyes and mouth watering at the dizzying spectacle in the drivers seat. All she knows is Shauna is still talking, and Jackie wants her to shut up, because Jackie finally has something to say.

"Shauna, we're not best-friends anymore."

The sentence is firm and final.

Jackie holds her ground as the car fizzles into dead silence. Shauna's hands twist over the wheel, eyes darting to the side in confusion.

"Um... what, uh - "

"We're not best-friends anymore." Jackie doubles down, shaking her head slightly to herself as she thinks it through. It's a bad habit of hers, speaking before actually formulating her thoughts. Before Shauna can open her mouth with doubt, Jackie continues. 

"I think - fuck, I think we're girlfriends." Jackie divulges the revelation like she's just unearthed fossils in her backyard. In a way, maybe, she kind of has. If the fossils were shaped like homoerotic friends to lovers, of course. Shauna's silent for a brief period of time, before flashing Jackie a cautious smile.

"And what exactly gave you that idea?" She deadpans. Jackie deflates back into her seat, because of course Shauna would take the wind out of her sails. Shauna grins devilishly. 

"Shauna. Can you just let me talk for a minute?" Jackie asks sincerely. The softness of her tone makes easy work of Shauna's ego, quietening her down so that Jackie can take the floor. Jackie closes her eyes and exhales. Shauna waits, noiseless and patient.

And then Jackie starts.

"I wanna listen to birdsong with you."

She keeps her eyes closed, but not to hide from her... Jackie wants to to picture it, to picture them.

"I wanna listen to birdsong with you... at your window, and... and I wanna sit with you in the attic when it rains."

She wonders if Shauna can see it too. Shauna's gaze is on the road, and whatever teasing smirk she once had has now completely faded, blinking as her eyes start to sting. She grips the wheel, squeezing the leather in her palms.

"I wanna do so much, but it has to be with you, Shauna. I can't do this with anyone else, it doesn't work... so I wanna listen to birds and rain... whether that's later today, or tomorrow, or next week, or... next year... or every year after that."

Shauna reaches over to grasp her hand.

"Jackie..."

Jackie opens her eyes only because Shauna's voice is rasping. When she finds Shauna's face again, she sees tears on her cheeks. The sight of her makes Jackie's eyes start to swell in tandem. She squeezes Shauna's hand, clutching it close.

"You said you loved me last night." She states, almost like she's hosting an interrogation. Shauna nods.

"Did you mean it?"

"Obviously."

Dumb question. Jackie tries again.

"As in you're in love with me, right?" 

Also a dumb question.

"Obviously." Shauna reiterates without hesitation, unwavering and completely certain. Jackie nods slowly, chest shivering as breathes in and out with great caution. 

"Okay... okay, good." She pauses, pondering over her next sentence as carefully as she can. She brings Shauna's hand into her lap - it's rightful place - and Shauna's palm settles in, fingers splaying out over her skin. Jackie holds her there, stroking Shauna's wrist affectionately. She frowns as she mulls her thoughts over, blinking as the tears fall, warm and necessary.

"So. Here's what's going to happen: we're going to step into that shithole of a fucking school, and I'm going to kiss you on the fucking mouth, because you're my fucking girlfriend, and I fucking love you... and whatever else happens, well... we can just figure it out together like we always do..."

Shauna seems to like the sound of that, nodding faintly. They reach a red light, and Shauna takes immediately brings Jackie's hand up to her lips - holding it there as she kisses it. All Jackie can think about it how lucky she is to receive such a gift. Pretty kisses all over her knuckles, Shauna's tears seeping into her skin.

"I told you, Jackie... whatever you want. I mean it." Shauna reminds her through the kisses, before holding Jackie's hand over her chest - over her heart, the heart that belongs to Jackie.  

That settles it.

Consequences be fucking damned.

Jackie holds her hand in the car. She holds her hand in the carpark. She holds her hand up the stairs, through the doors, through the halls... 

She doesn't look at anyone in particular, even when she hears the rush all around her, strangers, acquaintances, friends. It's overwhelming, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because she knows that Shauna will pull her into that hug when they're at the lockers.

The one where she's safe against her chest - where Shauna covers her ears and Jackie shuts her eyes away from all the motion and the noise. And Jackie when calms down, and she looks up at Shauna with the same adoring, love-stricken hazel gaze that she's worn since the day they met... but it's taken far too long for either of them to truly comprehend...

And Jackie kisses her.

In the sea of people, in the chaos around them, with their friends nearby and deep in conversation.

Jackie kisses her.

Tastes her lips, feels her hands, hears her breath. She is never going to love like this again, and Jackie knows it. She pulls away only to look at her, staring into those eyes... those same eyes she's seen everyday of her entire life. But instead of playing that life back to her, Jackie pictures the lifetime ahead of them. Growing into themselves, bleeding into each other.

They may be eighteen now... but what about when they're twenty-three? Thirty-six? Fourty-one?

What does their home look like? Is it all Brooklyn bricks and hard wood floors? Metal fire escapes and cramped kitchens? Is it pink and green? Is there a corner reading nook and vases spliced with poppies and snapdragons? Do they become wine connoisseurs? Record snobs? Is there a little sausage dog and a pair of brooding kittens? A baby?

One with Shauna's boundless eyes and kissable nose? Tiny feet that pitter-patter like the rain in her attic? Chirping like the birds at her window?

Jackie's getting ahead of herself. She's a chronic over-thinker. But at least this time, the thoughts don't suffocate her. If anything, they breathe life into her instead. She tucks her face into Shauna's shoulder again, feeling those strong arms surround her, and that protective hand over her ear. Maybe Jackie doesn't need know what their future is, or what their home looks like. She already knows how it feels.

Her gaze travels into the open classroom nearby... where the GSA club header is clear as day on the whiteboard.

There, two familiar faces stand side by side, attached at the hip just like Jackie and Shauna. Someone else sits before them, tall and uncharacteristically timid in her seat... watching in horror as Gen and Melissa slide over a tattered copy of 'Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence, by Adrienne Rich'...

Lucy takes it into her hands...

Eyes searing into the cover, warm tears engrained in the fragile pages...

Jackie lifts her head off Shauna's shoulders, staring with darkening eyes.

And for once, Jackie understands. She understands, because there is no running from it. There's no hiding. There's no alternative. There is no escaping this. There is no other way to live.

"You okay, Jax?" Shauna's murmurs, with a hand on her face, thumb stroking her skin tenderly. Jackie stares into Lucy's back as she hunches over the desk, head hidden by the barricade of her arms. Therein lies the great, big, evil empire... her bridges drawn and her towers burning.

"Yeah, Shipman..." Jackie whispers, "I'm just peachy." She says absent-mindedly, rewarding her with a snort from her girlfriend. Jackie turns to her, sharing stupid grins. Dumb smiles for dumb people.

Shauna presses her forehead against Jackie's and shuts her eyes, letting out a calm, satisfied exhale. She's beautiful all the time, but especially like this... happy, and Jackie's going to keep her this way. 

Because before they were born and after they die,

there always was and always will be -

Jackie and Shauna...

...it's perfect, until Nat whistles from behind them.

"Ayo, Jackster! I made you something!" 

She unravels a hand-painted shirt that reads...

JACKIE GAYLOR

ALLY OF THE YEAR