Chapter Text
It was crazy how, even after 20 years, the first thing Kamisato Ayaka was able to notice when she entered a room was the blonde girl that had been her whole life during that damn summer of ‘89. It was a colder day than usual in Snezhnaya and Ayaka hurried to finally reach the warm and cozy ambience of the library while trying not to spill the hot chocolate in her hand all over the floor.
As soon as she opened the heavy door, the warm air from inside the building embraced her. She sneaked in trying to make as little noise as possible, not wanting to disturb the sacred quiet that other people came to the library for. It was a small, snug space, owned by an old nice lady, Madame Ping, and her granddaughter. The latter was a rather reticent young woman in her mid twenties, who never asked questions and, at the very best, gave you a small nod of acknowledgment whenever you entered the library. Her grandmother, instead, was the complete opposite. She was a loquacious woman closer to her 80s than her 70s, who was always down for a chat, even just to tell you how the flowers on her balcony at home had finally bloomed or to recommend some hidden gem in the city to her beloved customers.
The two of them made the best brownies in Snezhnaya (Ayaka was ready to argue that, actually, they were the best ones in the whole of Teyvat), alongside delicious slices of cakes, cookies, and pastries of all types. So, it became the norm for Ayaka to buy a hot chocolate in the coffee shop just across the street and then get herself a daily treat from the pastry shop in the library (one time, she was brave enough to ask Madame Ping for a recipe of her brownies, only to receive a dead stare and a silent and quite frankly scary “family secret” as an answer). She would usually then spend at least a couple hours in the library, working on her computer while surrounded by dozens of books and sometimes the muffled sound of rain outside.
That afternoon, however, her daily routine was interrupted by the blonde girl sitting facing the door just in one of the tables closest to the entrance. Naganohara Yoimiya. Ayaka immediately recognized her, no matter how many years they spent apart. After all, back in the day, she spent hours and hours admiring the blond’s features and tracing them with her fingers. The other woman was focused on reading the book in front of her and her hands were busy twiddling with a pencil. A couple locks of hair in front had fallen on her face.
The first thought that came to Ayaka’s mind was that she looked as beautiful as ever. Time left its signs on her face, but the features remained the same as always. Her skin got a little paler than when she was young, her hair was now slightly longer and more tidied up. She now wore glasses and, as far as Ayaka could tell, she still liked to wear her usual checkered blouses. She still had the same expression that she’d always make when she was concentrating on something, the one with a little frown.
Ayaka’s mind was racing, debating whether to turn back on her feet and exit the library as fast as she could or just hurry towards a table far away, hope Yoimiya didn’t notice (or recognize) her and pray for the best. However, she couldn’t come to a conclusion since the other woman raised her eyes to meet Ayaka’s.
And it was like time stopped. Suddenly they were the only two people not just in the library but in the whole of Teyvat and they were back to their teenage selves. Yoimiya’s face brought back so many memories (not that Ayaka had actually forgotten any of them. She remembered every single second spent with the other). Yoimiya’s face was a recall of the chilly summer nights and the stolen glances across the dining hall. And the kisses in dark hallways and the running away from the camp guards while holding hands and also the tiptoeing in the middle of the night praying not to wake anyone else up.
Now, Ayaka could have done something. Holy shit, she could have done anything. Run away like the coward she was, go chat with Madame Ping and use it as a justification to ignore the other, walk forward and pretend not to have recognized Yoimiya and pray that it was enough, or even chat a little with the blond and act like everything was fine.
Instead, she just stood there like an idiot, head empty. She stood there just staring dumbfounded at someone that she didn’t think she could have ever had the privilege of seeing again.
She didn’t move a single muscle for what felt like hours but was probably just a matter of a few seconds. She was still considering what the best course of action could have been but she couldn’t come to a conclusion since Yoimiya, with a slight grin, closed the book in front of her and quickly got up from her seat. And then started walking towards Ayaka.
The latter’s mind went blank. And, when the blonde finally reached her, she let out a sigh she didn’t know she was holding in. When the two of them were right in front of each other, a few seconds of silence passed, and they were just looking into each other’s eyes.
“Hi”. Yoimiya finally spoke, not being able to stand the silence any longer.
“Hi?”. Ayaka immediately cursed herself for making the greeting sound like a question. As a teenager, she had always had the habit of making phrases sound like questions when she was nervous, but that hadn’t happened in years. She felt extremely silly.
“I think we have a lot to talk about.”
Not even an hour later, they were sitting on a bench at the park with hot beverages in their hands (Ayaka had finished her hot chocolate and bought a new one, while Yoimiya opted for a cappuccino). Considering it was the middle of the winter, there were quite a lot of people. There was a young man walking his dog while arguing with someone on the phone, a group of friends having a picnic on the grass despite the chilly weather, a teenage girl reading a book under a tree with her headphones on, and two elderly women were slowly walking side to side on the path.
They had been there for the past twenty minutes or so. There was still some awkwardness between the two of them (mainly on Ayaka’s end), but they were able to catch up a little about their adult lives. Ayaka learned that Yoimiya, just like her, had traveled quite a lot after finishing college. She went back regularly to Fontaine, but had also visited Natlan and Mondstadt. Ayaka, on the other hand, never went back to Fontaine (although she omitted the fact that she chose not to because she couldn’t stand to go back to all the places they visited together all those years prior). She moved a lot for work, spending some months in Natlan, then Sumeru, Mondstadt, Liyue, Enkanomiya, Dragonspine, you name it, and often going back home to Inazuma to spend time with her family and friends from her teenage years.
“So you were telling me you have spent the past couple of years here?”
Ayaka nodded. “Yeah. Two years and a half to be exact. My job is pretty flexible, I can work from pretty much anywhere, and I have the opportunity to move a lot. That’s why I have been traveling through all the regions so often, but I like it here in Snezhnaya so far. I… I only went back to Inazuma last summer for a gathering with friends from high school. To be honest, I haven’t actually lived in Inazuma for so long. After our… after camp ended, I moved to Mondstadt. There, I finished my last year of high school, then moved again, this time to Sumeru, and went to college. I graduated and have been traveling a lot ever since.”
Now, all Ayaka expected from their conversation was to catch up. Talk about their jobs maybe, chat a little, act like nothing ever happened between the two of them and then never see each other again. She knew that it was the best thing for both of them. She didn’t expect the conversation to take the turn it did.
“Now I understand why I couldn’t find you anywhere in Inazuma. You were barely there to begin with”.
Ayaka frowned. “You searched for me?”
Yoimiya looked at her right in her eyes. "Everyday. For months, after camp ended”.
Ayaka’s breath caught and her heart skipped a beat. “But we pro-”
“I don’t care about what we promised, Ayaka. I needed to see you, desperately. At least once more. I wasn’t ready to tell you goodbye yet when we parted ways after we came back to Inazuma”.
Ayaka couldn’t stand to look at her anymore and averted her gaze. “You shouldn’t have”.
There were a few seconds of silence.
“Why not?”
“You know why, Yoimiya.”
“No actually, I don’t. I never understood why we had to say our goodbyes to each other when it was clear as day that you loved me, and I loved you. And I still-”.
“Don’t. Please, just don’t.” Ayaka looked back at Yoimiya. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
Yoimiya scoffed. “As usual, you’re a fucking coward. You run away from your feelings and your problems instead of actually facing them.” A humorless laugh escaped her lips. “I should have expected it. You never changed, did you?”
Now, Ayaka knew that deep down the other woman was right. She had always been a coward, and she was probably always gonna be. However, she still had some pride left in her, and she had no intention of just sitting there and being disrespected (plus, part of her wished that her next words were gonna hurt Yoimiya, scare her off, and make them never see each other again. The other part knew that was not gonna happen anytime soon).
“And, clearly, you’re still the foul, emotive and immature girl I met 20 years ago. Funny how that works. And, for the record, I never actually loved you. I was 17, had barely any relationship experience, you were somewhat cute and you seemed to have a crush on me. I would have fallen for any breathing human being at the time. I craved attention so bad and you were the only one dumb enough to give it to me. And then, once camp was over, I came to my senses and realized how stupid our so-called relationship was. That’s why I made you promise that. I was embarrassed about the whole thing and just wanted to forget you and never see you again for the rest of my life. Clearly, that didn’t go as planned. You belong in my past now, I moved on - not like I actually ever cared about you really.”
“You know that’s not true.” Ayaka hated how overly confident Yoimiya sounded. It was like she didn’t even hear her whole speech.
“Are you sure? You should ask yourself why I never even tried contacting you. I promise I could have, I just didn’t want to, because when I told you I loved you, believe me, I was lying.”
Ayaka was quite proud of herself for lying and sounding so convincing. She had always been a good liar and she thought she did a pretty good job.
“You’re so pretty when you lie. I used to tell you that all the time.”
Ayaka tried so hard not to blush like a goddamn teenager in love (although she probably failed). She tried thinking of a response, before getting interrupted by the blonde for what was probably the millionth time that evening alone.
“I want to kiss you so bad right now.”
Now, Ayaka’s patience had never really been great anyways, but that would have been really too far for anyone.
“Fuck off, Yoimiya.” she hissed. She stood up, spilling her now-cold hot chocolate on the ground.
She started walking away when Yoimiya also got up and gently grabbed her by the wrist.
“Alright, Ayaka, I’m sorry. But I do miss you. I have missed you everyday since we split up. Since the moment we parted, every single part of me was screaming to run back to you as fast as I could and to never leave your side again. I have missed you every night, every evening, every morning. Every single day spent without you felt like a day wasted. Part of me died every day I didn’t spend with you. Not seeing you at breakfast first thing in the morning or not spending the evening with you felt like hell on earth. After some time, I thought the first few months were gonna be the worst ones and then I was gonna get over you, but I never did. Every time I went back to Fontaine I couldn’t help feeling like something was desperately missing, and I kept replaying all of our moments together in my head. At some point, I thought that, maybe, I just missed the feeling of loving and being loved, so I tried relationships with other women, but they never worked. Because they weren't you. No one in this world could even try to compare to you. They didn’t have your humor, your intelligence, your smile, your eyes, your face, your voice, your habits, your soft hair or that mole you have on your stomach. Nobody does, therefore I could never love someone that isn’t you. I wanted you and only you - and I still do. It would be foolish of me to try to love anyone else, because all I see in others is what they lack of you. You’re the only one that made me feel whole, and not in the sense that you’re my other half. You make me better than what I am. You make me a better person. I could never have that with anybody else, and even if I could, I don’t want it. Because I’m in love with you. I love you and I have loved you ever since I’ve known you Ayaka, I couldn’t help it. I have spent the last 20 years trying to get over you, only to realize that to do that would mean to deny myself. Your face is the last thing I wanna see before falling asleep every night, only to wake up next to you and repeat that cycle for the rest of my life. Not knowing if you still thought about me is what hurt the most, though. I needed to know if you thought about me even half as much as I thought about you. I was so, so, lucky to meet you so early in my life, only to lose you in a matter of weeks. I needed to find you again. And now that I did, I need to know certainly if you are ready to be with me, because I know you Ayaka, and I can tell you genuinely loved me and still do. I am not dumb, you know that too, I’m aware you want me probably as much as I want you. You just have to go for it, because I’m here now, but I can’t be forever. As much as it hurts, I will leave without blaming you if you don’t want anything else to do with me. I just need to know for good. You do owe me a definitive answer, at least. I won’t ask you for anything else, I promise.”
Ayaka tried to ignore how her heart striked with jealousy as Yoimiya mentioned other women. Then felt bad about how much she hurt the blonde. She didn’t think Yoimiya liked, loved, her that much. She genuinely thought it was best for both of them to forget everything, and never look back at that damn summer of 1989. The truth was, Ayaka didn’t know what she wanted. The more rational part of her was screaming to get as far as possible from the other woman, because that wasn’t right, because her feelings weren’t right, because she wasn’t right. And Ayaka had always been a pretty rational person. She didn’t say anything.
“You don’t have to tell me right now. I can give you all the time I have, but I have to go back to Mondstadt in a couple days and I will be staying there for months, maybe a couple years. So, clearly, I don’t have a lot.” a chuckle escaped her lips. “No matter what you tell me right now, I will be here tomorrow afternoon. If you won’t be here, then I’ll understand you don’t want anything to do with me anymore and I will learn to accept it. I promise.”
Ayaka refused to say anything, and freed her wrist from the other’s hand. She started walking away, towards the entrance of the park.
“I will be here until seven o’clock.”
Ayaka froze in place and smiled softly without turning back to look at the other. The blonde had a tendency not to give up even as a teenager, and it was nice to see that it clearly hadn’t changed.
“Goodbye, Yoimiya.”
And then she started walking away, probably for the last time, from the woman she loved.