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I try to never be loud. In fact, I work very hard to make sure that I’m not. But tears happen to us all, no matter how we try to hide them. And at this point, I should know full-well that the fact that Reiner has noticed mine is simply a result of his keen perception. I never could slip by him; with his eyes and ears always tilted slightly in my direction, it’s never too surprising that he's always close behind me.
I press my back against the hardened bark of the red oak tree, my only cover the expanse of the night, and I hear him coming with quiet footsteps that I wish would walk the other way.
“Bertl…” Reiner starts, shoes rustling along the grass as he approaches.
I don’t look at him, but I wipe my eyes and nose, if only to poorly attempt to hide the things I know Reiner probably noticed from the start.
“We shouldn’t be out here… Shadis is gunna be doing rounds soon…” he mumbles.
And I nod, because he’s right. We should be back in the barracks, sound asleep with our fellow trainees. I know we shouldn't be out here. But I don’t move to stand, my arms simply tightening their grip around my legs as I pointedly avoid Reiner’s gaze. It only takes another beat before I hear him sigh, stepping forward to settle down onto the grass beside me.
He doesn’t speak for a moment, opting instead to simply let his shoulder press fully against my own. It’s warm and familiar, as if he wants me only to know that he is there. As if he wants me to know that he wants only to look out for me.
And I do know.
I sniffle once, though I certainly don’t mean to, one more quiet tear slipping down my cheek. I wipe it away and hope perhaps Reiner doesn’t notice.
But I know he does.
He breathes a quiet breath, turning his head to glance at me.
“Nightmare?” He asks simply.
I shrug.
“Kind of.”
“Mmm.” He lilts, head turning away from me, his gaze drifting upwards towards the night sky.
For a moment, I wonder if perhaps there’s more to say, but Reiner stays quiet. And even though I don’t really want to, I can’t help but whisper to him softly.
“I wish you wouldn’t carry on with them the way you do…”
“How do you mean?” Reiner asks innocently, his eyes not shifting back to me, intent on absorbing the sky above us.
A lump has formed once more in my throat, and I force myself to gulp it down before I speak.
“They aren’t our friends, you know?” I punctuate in the nighttime quiet.
Reiner ‘mmm’s again, and I can’t really tell if he’s agreeing with me or dismissing me. But he nods slowly.
“Yeah... Yeah, I know. …Except that... they are. And we’re their friends. At least, as far as they’re concerned.”
“That doesn’t make it real.”
“It makes it real to them…”
My chest feels tight. I whip my head to face him, face beginning to flush as I grit my words around my teeth.
“They wouldn’t hesitate to kill you if they knew. Or me.”
Reiner smiles softly, eyes still focused upwards.
“Oh, I know." He says it as if it's obvious, maybe even a little funny. And I just can't understand. But he shrugs and nods, more to himself than to me, before continuing, "But they are our friends, Bertl.”
Reiner pauses then, his head lolling to the side to look at me.
I try to ignore the way his hand reaches out to me, the way his thumb drags along my cheek to wipe away the tears.
His smile never fades.
“You and I are something different, Bertl… Something different from them. And when push comes to shove, you know I’ll fight for you till the end. Because you’re right: they absolutely won't hesitate to kill us.”
I can’t help but note the way he speaks - he speaks not in woulds but in wills, and the promise of this future rends me just to think of it.
He sighs again, thumb still tracing the contours of my cheek, tears nothing but a memory of salt left on my pores beneath his touch.
“But.... they will kill us because we were their friends.“ He tells me wistfully.
Reiner brushes the pad of his thumb once more along my skin, whether to comfort me, or comfort himself, I can’t say I’ll ever be sure. But his smile is sad and his eyes are too, and suddenly, I feel selfish for crying.
He kisses me briefly and moves to stand, offering his hand to me. I take it with only a moment’s pause and follow him as he leads us back to the barracks.
As he leads us back to our friends.
::
I try never to be loud. But when it all falls down, it takes everything I have not to scream.
We run as fast as we possibly can - the wind in our lungs nothing but wisps as we gasp and pant and push ourselves hard to freedom we know isn't there. Too exhausted to transform, too weak to fight, we have nothing but the ache and the fear to push us forward.
I don’t know when exactly it happens.
But somehow they close in on us.
Somehow, Reiner manages to shove me ahead of him, pushing me forward to tumble further into the darkness of the trees as the men and women we once had the honor of calling 'comrades' swoop in with wires and blades to snatch him up and away from me.
Reiner still sees me, though I don’t think our friends have spotted me yet. Barely hidden just past the darkened line of the forest, I want nothing more than to reach back out for him. To run to him. To grab hold of him. To fight my way through swords and blood if only to be with him as it all comes down.
My face is hot, my vision wet and blurry as they grab and grapple and struggle with him.
They dare a glance in my general direction, searching out for me. And Reiner looks at me, and I shake my head ‘no’. Because he cannot ask this of me.
The tears flow and my body fumbles, unsure of what exactly to do. Because Reiner is screaming, body thrashing in the grip of our comrades; he's shouting as they look for me. He's pleading with me.
"RUN!!”
::