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Elliot first starts wearing the hoodie when he's in eighth grade.
That's when his chest starts to grow, and he's less than pleased. His mother is less than pleased that he's less than pleased.
Elliot's always been a boy, but his dad was really the only one who understood that.
But his dad isn't here anymore, and Elliot doesn't know what to do about this problem. He buys the hoodie to try and mask it, it doesn't fix anything, but it keeps them mostly hidden, so it works.
Even after Elliot gets a binder, he keeps the hoodie.
Part of it is because he can't quite shake the feeling that the binder isn't doing its job the way it should, that people can tell even though he knows that his chest looks flat. Part of it is because now there are people following him, the hoodie keeps him hidden, and he likes that.
When he's 18, he starts hormones.
His mom can't stop him, but she has a lot to say on the matter, so it's not long after that when Elliot moves out.
Life goes on.
Sometimes he doesn't know what the point is. He feels false. He knows that he's a man, but nothing reflects that without a lot of work. It doesn't feel real. He feels like plastic. When this feeling starts to make him cry, he feels pathetic.
He feels alone.
He knows that he isn't the only person who is like this, but he's never met anyone else like him.
It's rough.
He manages because he has to. The morphine helps with that, but it only does so much.
-
Today Elliot feels like shit.
He has to go to work, where he isn't allowed to wear his hoodie. He knows his chest looks flat, but it still feels too big. His face still feels round and his voice seems too high, even though he knows that they haven't been in years. It feels like everyone is looking at him, like everybody knows. He's not using morphine anymore, but he's considering it today.
To say that he's having a rough day would be putting it lightly.
So it's of course on this day that he's meeting with White Rose.
He tries to pull himself together, tries to look confident, tries to act like he knows what he's doing, like he belongs in his own body.
He doesn't really do any better than he does on any other day.
White Rose is an important figure, he's big, especially for this plan, so Elliot really needs this to go well. He just wishes that it could have happened on some other day, on a day when Elliot can think straight and can focus on the task at hand.
In the end, he figures it doesn't really matter, because seeing White Rose would have knocked the breath out of him regardless of how bad his dysphoria and paranoia was on any day.
After years of being alone, of being the only one, he finds a person like him in the form of a gorgeous woman who doesn't really want to give him more than a second of her time.
The meeting doesn't go well. Elliot's too shell shocked to do anything right, and the time limit that she's given him makes it worse. He tries to stay on track and do what he came here to do, but his questions are shitty, and both of them know it.
But, afterwards, he can't stop thinking about it.
Can't stop thinking about her.
White Rose is impossible to hack and just as impossible to find. Elliot figures that it's just his luck, that he would find another trans person after all these years, only to see her for three minutes before she disappears.
He's always had incredibly shitty luck. Lately it just seems to be getting worse.
-
He finally runs into her when he's least expecting it.
After all, White Rose didn't seem like the type to bother with stopping at a local shop to get coffee in the morning. But there she is, standing right in front of him in line, looking absolutely stunning in a bright yellow dress.
He hasn't really been able to push this all the way out of his mind since their first meeting, but looking at her now, Elliot feels intimidated by her presence. He feels like his mouth has been stapled shut, he can't think of a single thing to say and doesn't think that he'd have the voice to speak even if he had words to say.
So he just stands there behind her, feeling small and pathetic and vaguely like he's going to cry.
He's considering just leaving. He could easily go home, mope or cry or do whatever he needs to do to get this sick feeling out of his chest. Who would care? Flipper would be ecstatic. It's definitely a better option than staying here.
He's about to bolt when she suddenly turns around.
She looks surprised to see him here, and Elliot feels like a deer in the headlights. There's no where to go now, he's stuck. He can't tell if it's his binder that's making it hard to breathe, or just anxiety. Either way, he feels like he's on the verge of hyperventilation, he needs to get out of here.
White Rose glances at her watch, and Elliot braces himself for another rejection.
Instead, she looks at him again, "I have ten minutes," she says, "Would you like to sit down with me?"
Elliot's pretty sure that he's shaking, but he manages to nod. She smiles at him, and he feels his heart stutter in his chest.
Maybe his luck is finally looking up.