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The moment that the thick hotel door closes, Kai finds himself drifting aimlessly toward the center of his room. At first, his feet simply wandered in that direction, his head suddenly swimming with too much and also nothing all at once. He felt lost inside his own 30-meter space. Brief moments pass and his toes start to feel cemented into the floor like lead has been strapped to the bottoms of his feet. He’s sinking further into something that he can’t explain. Kai finds himself standing still there, his eyes glancing around the room and finding everything that looks wrong. His suitcase is strewn out on the side, still open from when he dug through it looking for clothing earlier that morning. He couldn’t find anything that felt good to wear. The white bedding is torn apart from his fitful sleep last night. The soft fluffy bunny plushy that he insisted on bringing with him on their tour has been tossed onto the bed carelessly. It looks sad buried in between the mess of covers and pillows, forgotten, but Kai couldn’t bring himself to touch it this morning. Looking at all of it now makes Kai immediately want to scream.
His head is swarming with angry bees, his skin bubbling but chilled with frost all at once. Kai can only feel his fingertips going numb, but he can’t notice how they’re trembling and shaking more with each second that passes. There's been a soft ringing inside of his head all day, clambering around in the background of all of his actions. It’s like the dial in his brain is now being turned to 11. It’s becoming so deafeningly loud, drowning out all of his thoughts and causing a sharp pain to stab through his ears. Kai can’t hear how his lungs hyperventilate with suffocating breaths, but he can feel the ache and pain that it causes inside of his chest. It feels like the world is becoming a horrible cacophony of static ringing that’s slowly crushing him from the inside out. His body has become so overwhelmed by loud whirring, numbness, and hurt. Kai doesn’t feel the steady tears that have begun pouring down his cheeks. Anything that’s physically happening to his body is unimportant, and his head is only horrendously aware that it’s all too much input far too fast. All it took was one instant, the small sound of a closing door, and Kai felt himself falling apart and becoming crushed by the weight of unimaginable pressure.
So many moments pass and a horrifying stillness settles firmly into the air. A stillness that causes his thoughts and emotions to boil, adding more to the flood that’s tumbling and whirring inside of his brain. The hotel room has a sense of dull nothingness to it, and it makes Kai realize just how stupid he is. It makes him reconsider every fallen tear and frantic breath, and it starts to sink in that he hates himself so desperately. So completely and he wishes that he could just claw his own eyes out and tear apart his skin. He remembers there’s been this horribly familiar but steadily building pressure embedded inside of him from the moment that he got up this morning. It was always suffocating him discreetly, making him stim loudly in front of strangers and go silent with his members for little to no reason. Just the simplest of sensations could add to that terrible sickening pressure. It’s so stupid of him. Kai hasn’t done anything special or new, only the exact same things as the rest of his group. The same preparation and practice. He hates himself. He hates his brain for how it’s reacting. He hates that he’s helplessly allowing this to happen and becoming so pathetically weak for nothing. It’s bursting from every part of him, and Kai knows he’s too weak to stop any of it. He only helplessly breaks apart. From pure instinct alone he starts clawing his fingers into his scalp, wrathfully tearing at black hair strands as anguished screams and sobs tear apart his throat. He’s knees become weak, threatening to collapse into the ground. It tears him to pieces without his permission, and yet he still can’t hear the wretched sound of his own pain and wailing.
It was an endless misery that flood through his system. The world was squeezing around him and crushing his bones, drowning him with his own tears. He could do nothing but succumb to it. It’s unimaginable, but there is soon something that shifts the miserable stillness that torments him. It’s the smallest difference that at first Kai is helpfulness to recognize. The energy of the hotel room shifted as the door slowly squeaked open again. It gradually reveals a tall pair of peering eyes that peek around the corner. The way they look in feels almost shameful and it’s almost as if he’s worried that opening this door on his own is intruding upon Kai’s privacy. The moment that he looks around enough to truly look inside, that hesitation dies and his heart drops inside heavily of his chest. Cracks appear on his own calm surface, his body stiffening from fear. He opens the door the rest of the way, no longer worried about inviting himself in.
“Kai? Baby, what’s wrong?” Soobin doesn’t make a distinct effort to close the door behind him, leaving it slightly ajar when he enters. He doesn’t think about the rest of the room at all, his thoughts fully encompassed with Kai. He rushes up to the broken boy standing in front of him. Kai hasn’t noticed any activity that’s not his own. He knows that the thoughts aren’t going away and everything hurts so badly. He’s still tearing away at himself, shaking and screaming at the top of his lungs, and then abruptly he feels a firm sensation grasping around him. A pair of large and soft hands have gripped his forearms, and he can’t help it when his breath stops for a few wretched moments. The air stuck inside his body is eventually choked out by a whimpering sob, his head unable to process the confusion that's overcome him.“Hyuka baby, it’s Soobin. It’s your Binnie hyung. You’re gonna be okay. Can you hear me baby?”
Kai knows that there’s something small behind all of the horrible noise accosting his head, but he can’t quite understand any of it. He can’t even begin to comprehend specific words. He can determine that someone’s touching him. At first, he was scared, thinking that sensation would feel like more heavy pain against his skin, but it doesn’t. Its grasp is warm and gentle, just taking its time to slowly caress his own hands downwards. Kai realizes that it soothes the pain away from his scalp, and eases just some of the aching stress off his head. The hands are inviting and calm, and Kai immediately thinks that it would feel nice to feel this more. He’s shocked, so affronted by the realization that he stops screaming. It’s difficult to believe that there’s something left in this world that doesn’t seem so terrible.
It takes a bit of time, but Soobin is able to successfully get Kai’s hands to stop trying to pull out his own hair. He intertwines their fingers together and starts softly rubbing his thumb against Kai’s skin, tracing small circles along the back of the younger’s palm. Soobin feels desperate for Kai to answer. Kai has acknowledged the change in some sense, which is good. Soobin also knows it’s good that his throat is getting a chance to rest for now, but he still selfishly wants verbal acknowledgment. He wants Kai to know who's there. Despite this, Soobin feels like his head is unnaturally calm. He just knows he needs to stay composed for Kai.
It happens far too suddenly. One moment Kai was standing with an aimless yet terrified stare in his eyes, and the next he was melting. His muscles lose all strength and definition, sending his body tumbling toward Soobin’s chest with abrupt fury. Soobin has to react quickly to hold his dongsaeng, barely preventing him from smashing to the ground. The screaming and yanking, the desperation that Soobin saw earlier, has vanished far too fast for comfort. Soobin almost worries that Kai passed out, but then he notices that his dongseang is still crying. He can still hear the heart-wrenching sound of Kai's sobs, now slightly muffled by the thin cotton material of his jacket. He can watch Kai’s chest heaving and stuttering, hear his throat choking on the sorrow. His dongseang starts clutching to him, hysterically gripping his hands into the fabric covering Soobin’s back. Kai’s world is crumbling all over again because this is not the sensation that he wants. The cotton feels cold and rough, painful against his already frigid skin. It hurts and it only makes him cry harder and scratch desperately, rapidly growing frantic. He’s scrambling to find the warmth and comfort of before in higher quantities. He thinks he needs it because these devastating emotions actually kill him.
“Kai? Kai, you’re okay. I’m right here baby. Binnie is with you.” Kai’s reactions are becoming worse once again, but Soobin is struggling to figure out why. He can’t understand what Kai thinks he’s doing. Full seconds can’t even pass before Kai is pushing himself further into Soobin’s chest, suffocating himself in the process. His hands explore and scamper across Soobin’s back and shoulders, becoming increasingly hysterical with every moment. Soobin wants to feel tears of his own, hearing Kai actually cough and gag on his own sobs. Kai’s throat already feels like sandpaper. It feels like each cough may start bringing blood with it, but he still forces himself to spit out the words. The tone that follows is a pleading broken whine that makes him feel so horribly pathetic.
“Please. Plea-*COUGH*-lease.”
“Please what, baby? What’s wrong? I’m right here. I’m not going to leave.” Kai is suffocating and choking on cries so much that Soobin is actually worried he might start vomiting. His body is becoming weak, and Soobin feels the calm facade he’s worked hard to hold starting to chip away. He doesn’t want to, but Soobin does think that it might be time that he forces himself to accept it. He needs to realize that he doesn’t know how to take care of Kai right now. He genuinely wants to so badly, but desire isn’t enough to fix a situation like this. Soobin finally starts to shake a little, admitting to himself that he doesn’t know what to do. Kai isn’t any safer with him here right now. If this continues Kai will only get hurt.
When it happens it was purely accidental. Soobin had decided it was time to pull Kai away from him. He thought that he needed to call another member or manager and get Kai extra help, but as he does so his palm accidentally brushes against the back of Kai’s neck. It was a very small second, but immediately Kai’s breath gasps and he frantically leans towards the touch. His body language already looks more relaxed, and Kai felt a small hint of relief deep inside his brain. It feels warm and gentle once again, the sensation that he needs to make all of this fear and pain go away. Soobin is startled by what seemed to be a sudden development and then begins to piece it together. He moves his hand so that it’s caressing the back of Kai’s neck, and the younger immediately pushes closer towards Soobin’s palm. He wants to reach his fingers up to soak in more of it.
“This is it baby? You want my skin to touch you?” Soobin needed to further confirm for himself but did feel more secure in his abilities now. He felt calm again. He reaches his right hand up to join and touches his skin very softly to the side of Kai’s cheek. Kai’s body melts into him even further, tears still leaking as his entire body leans closer to Soobin’s arm. Yearning for it. Trying to make his weakened body reach for more. “This feels good to you baby?”
It’s not a legitimate question and Soobin never planned on waiting for a reply. He knows that Kai is too far gone and enthralled inside of his own brain to do so. He’s still not sure that the younger is able to understand a single word that he’s said or knows who he is, but that’s not important anymore. He doesn’t need to. Soobin keeps his right palm firmly planted onto the side of Kai’s face, now understanding why the younger was hectically scrambling around Soobin’s body without ever calming. He does his best to move around without upsetting Kai, using his other left hand to pull off his jacket and reveal the thin short-sleeved t-shirt underneath. His every movement is slow and gentle, overly cautious so as not to overwhelm Kai with too much all at once. Hesitantly and lightly, he starts guiding Kai’s arms leading them underneath his t-shirt to the bare skin of his back. The second that Kai’s fingers brush against him the younger gasps and hysterically clings closer. Clings to the glow and the fuzzy feelings that it sends through his brain. Soobin continually utters very soft and reassuring words, promising Kai that he’s okay. He swears that the feeling isn’t going anywhere and that he’ll stay for as long as Kai needs. He then lifts Kai’s head up slowly to reposition it, wanting the younger’s teary cheek to lean into the skin at the base of Soobin’s neck. Once Kai has finally found that enveloping cocoon of comfort that he knew he needed so desperately, he refuses to easily let it get lost again. He hugs into it with every fiber of strength inside of him, still crying and adamantly objecting to parting even a single centimeter.
“Shhhh…. It’s okay Kai. Breathe. You’re okay.” Soobin can’t be certain that his words were really meant to calm their youngest. It felt like maybe speaking was working to keep himself in a calm headspace. He could tell that the touch was helping. As time passes like this Kai’s tears and reactions become less desperate and frantic. Soobin wraps his arms around the small of Kai’s back, protectively letting their skin connect with each other’s as much as he possible. Kai could feel the whirlpool and swarm that was so horrifying settling bit by bit, chased away by warmth. There was still a suffocating heavy pressure inside of him, still waiting for the right opportunity to crush his bones apart, but he knew he was safe inside of these arms. He could handle it as long as he stays right here. It felt like he was being wrapped inside a bubble of affection and protection. He could feel those large and soft hands rubbing circles into the skin along his lower back. That’s when the sea of misery in his head began to part just slightly, and he was finally allowed to remember who has big gentle hands just like the ones he feels now.
“Ssoobin?” Kai’s voice still sounds whimpery and weak, too ridden with heavy tears and sorrow. He still hates it. He wished that the ringing in his head wasn’t becoming quieter again, solely so that it could’ve been there to drown away the noise that just came out of his throat. To Soobin it’s one of the best sounds he’s ever heard, like a beautiful ray of sunshine piercing through the dark. Kai can’t see how Soobin’s face lights up with a hopeful smile when he hears it. His grip immediately strengthens and he hugs Kai closer to him with a newfound motivation.
“Yes baby. It’s Soobin hyung. I’m right here.” Kai now smiles softly too, finding that his hyung’s wonderful voice feels just the same as his skin. It’s warm and comforting, inviting pleasant feelings that gently soothe the bolstering inside of his brain. That voice eases his pains away. Kai knows that he needs this speech and touching to continue. He needs it more than anything; more than life or breathing. If it all ended right now and Soobin decided to leave, he couldn’t possibly live on to do any of those things anyway. He couldn’t survive without this niceness.
“Please. *tear* Please hyung.”
“What baby? I’m here to help you. Whatever you need.”
“Please, *cough*, make me yours. I don’t need to be anything else. I can’t-please-nothing. Only yours.” Soobin sighs with a complicated but sickening mix of pleasure and sadness twisting inside of his gut.
“I can do even better than that baby. Just follow me, okay? I’m not going to let you go. We’re just moving over to the bed so you can rest a bit.”
Kai is nothing more than putty in Soobin’s firm grasp, easily following anything so long as the warmth and voice stay with him. He did put effort into it, but the pair quickly found that Kai’s body had become too weak. He was too exhausted from the emotional turmoil he’s been through to move properly. Soobin ends up half-carrying and half-dragging Kai’s long limbs as the youngest struggles to loosely follow over to the bed. Soobin knows what he plans to do next. He knows it’s necessary now, but he now does feel glad it was him that came here first. He’s glad that he was the one to find Kai screaming and hurting himself; that he was the one Kai hysterically scrambled towards and sobbed for. It’s been a miserable experience and he hates that their sweet angelic dongesang ever has to feel this way. It’s not fair. But he could know that and still feel rational and calm. He can feel bothered by this without losing his own sense of control, and he knows that the other members would have tried but they wouldn’t have been able to contain their emotions in a similar way. They would’ve sobbed when they had to drag Kai over to his own mattress, feeling too much emotional pain when Kai’s body became too numb and weak to withstand the pressure of his own weight. They would’ve felt hate and misery the second that Kai’s body hit the mattress and his entire being physically crumbled. The touch had shifted slightly, propelling him to become a helpless puddle of emotions and anxiety within seconds. He fell apart onto Soobin’s lap as his tears increased so quickly. All within a second it felt like he was dying and the world was nothing but horrible again. The others wouldn’t have been able to handle that the same, but Soobin felt confident that he could. He just had to help reposition the younger’s body once again so that Kai could cling to the skin around his stomach, even wrapping his knees around Soobin’s torso and back as he did so. He those same rubs calming circles into Kai’s back with his palms, letting the skin of his arms rest against the younger’s. He could keep his voice steady as he constantly repeated over and over again that Kai will be okay, and this feeling that he needs is never going to leave.
This time Kai is less delirious so it takes less time for him to relax the hysterical sobs into gentle tears. His brain can more easily accept the niceties of the sensations Soobin sounds him with. Now even lying here feel a little nice. It feels like he’s floating inside of a cloud, with nothing but the warmth of Soobin’s body and voice to surround and soothe him. He likes that, but he still clings to Soobin. He’s starting to wonder why his hyung hasn’t tried to give him more. He wants it so badly, and he thought his hyung understood how important this is to him. He needs it because this hasn’t emptied every last horrible thought and feeling from his body. It’s still so close nearby, just barely buried beneath the surface and waiting for one small mistake to send it painfully exploding out to tear him to pieces.
“Please please pleaseplease hyung. Yours. Only yours.” Soobin can feel Kai constricting into him more as he begs, and his own chest does pang with guilt and sadness. He rubs along Kai’s back and shoulders just a little longer, pressing into the skin a little harder. Then he leaves his right hand there but pulls his cell phone out with his left and starts to open the screen.
“I know baby. I’m going to, I promise. Don’t be scared. You’re doing so so well. Just hold on for a minute longer.” Kai’s whimpering is so wretchedly clear, crocodile tears threatening to spill over when Soobin’s voice sounds but he doesn’t immediately feel a flood of body heat to warm his frigid muscles. It’s too hard not to feel frightened.
Soobin tries his best to ease Kai’s mind while quickly scrolling through his contacts, doing everything he could to make this as fast as possible. He stops at the one labeled Yeonjun Hyung <3 and nearly clicks send but before he can complete the call he reconsiders that decision. He then scrolls down to the contact labeled Taehyunnie <3. This time he does click and allows the call to complete, bringing the phone up to his ear. He squeezes it uncomfortably in between his ear and his shoulder, but that frees up his hands to continue gently massage the skin along Kai’s arm as he’s speaking. Kai reacts better the more that Soobin is able to make contact with him. It would be far simpler to put the call on speaker and set the phone to the side, but he’s too worried that the sound would throw Kai over the edge again. He can tell that the other is struggling to keep a loose grasp on control, desperately holding onto the one and only source of grounding comfort that he’s found. Soobin isn’t willing to push Kai even a tiny speck past his almost non-existent comfort zone yet.
“Yo, what’s up hyung?” Taehyun's voice sounds serene when he answers, pleased even. Soobin does feel guilty to say what he’s about to, knowing the words will ruin it. He also knows that he has no choice in the matter. This is what's best to keep Kai safe, so he still speaks up readily despite wishing he hadn’t.
“Hi Hyunnie. Kai’s having a meltdown. Could you get everyone and meet us in his room?”
“Shit. Yeah of course. How is he? Anything we can bring with us?”
“Just yourselves. He’s starting to calm down a bit. Really touch starved and sensory seeking.”
“Okay. We’re on our way.”
“Thank you. The doors already open so just come right in.” Before Soobin even thinks of saying anything else Taehyun hangs up the phone call, making Soobin smile in response. It actually makes helps him feel better about this decision. It means Taehyun’s focus is less on ending the conversation politely and he’s concerned with collecting all of his hyungs so they can go to Kai as soon as possible.
Soobin now tosses his phone to the side without a second thought, looking back down at Kai once more. He’s escalating again. He was starting to cry harder, whinnying and twisting his eyes together harshly. Soobin’s attention had been drug away and it didn’t feel as good anymore. It didn’t feel like Soobin’s voice was meant for him, but without that reassurance all of the dark thoughts just start bubbling out of control. He doesn’t know how to make it stop.
“Baby, shhhh. You’re still okay. I’m here. We should maybe turn the lights off for you-”
“Why? Why Soobin? I-I can’t- don’t-It hurts.”
“I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” Soobin rapidly tosses out the idea of turning any lights down. It can wait. Instead, he leans them both back into the bed, pulling Kai’s limp body with him so they can lay down comfortably while enveloping one another. Kai wraps himself around Soobin so tightly, intently pressing into every small speck of skin that he could manage to find. Soobin lets it happen so easily, even readjusting his clothing so there would be more for Kai to touch. He also maneuvered his own limbs so they were wrapped softly beneath Kai’s clothes. “I’m here. You’re still with me.”
Soobin thought it would be best if he could get Kai to breathe and slow his tears before the others arrived. It would be less painful for them if Kai was already becoming calm and relaxed, but that didn’t happen quite like he had hoped that it would. Kai was just too worked up to rest so quickly. Even after a few minutes passed he was still whimpering with soft and steady tears streaming past his cheeks, trying to drown himself in as much skin as possible. It’s a wonder that he still has any tears left to cry. That’s how the others found them when they arrived. They walked in to see Kai and Soobin wrapped tightly into each other. Kai was clutching to Soobin’s skin like a koala, sniffling and coughing as he tried to soothe his own overwhelming anxieties away. They all felt pits in their stomach immediately, hating the sight of how miserable their angel looked.
Beomgyu immediately rushes towards the bed, eerily silent but also desperate to do anything that could possibly help. Yeonjun does the same but was already becoming emotional. He’s trying to suck back the soft tears that threatened to brim inside his eyes. Teahyun was the only one that stood still, having no idea where his place was supposed to be. He remained waiting until Soobin look up at him with a sweet smile and encouraged him to turn the lights down and join them. So that’s what he did and like that they all piled together, struggling to squeeze all 5 of their tall bodies onto the one hotel bed as closely as possible. They surrounded Kai so completely, letting him touch and cling to every bit of skin that he could find along all of them. Until his entire body was covered and surrounded by the warmth that he craved. Until he no longer felt the urge to scramble and press ever deeper, because the sensation was already all around him.
The touch feels unimaginably nice, but the room was too silent. It’s still a bit lacking and empty in the way that Kai hates. The way that makes his brain turn with bad thoughts. He could feel completely comfortable with this just yet, but he didn’t need to worry about it for long. Soobin was confident that he knows what to do now, and knows why the other three seem to be holding back. He couldn’t help but giggle and awe at how cute and precious each last one of them was. They all just want to help so deeply, but are also so scared to incidentally do the wrong thing and make Kai feel worse. Yeonjun had now allowed the silent tears to adorn his cheeks, crying just because it hurts to see Kai crying too. Teahyun was trying to stifle back his own tears, but he was more successful in his attempts to resist. He’s devoted to pretending that he doesn’t want to do the same. Soobin spoke up to all of them in the same soft and gentle voice, but his tone is already a bit happier with the rest of them here. Having them all here with them feels good to him too.
“It’s okay. You can talk to him. He really likes hearing voices right now.” The second that Soobin spoke it was like his voice parted through ringing tumultuous seas, breathing fresh air into Kai’s ever-weary lungs. Then new voices followed. The full and rich tones of Beomgyu’s voice right after, and Kai finally felt the first hint of true ease leaking into his body through the syllables.
“Is that true baby? Does it feel good to hear us talk to you?” The smile that followed was so honest and genuine, making them all smile and giggle along with him. It rose the mood of the room, and that comfortable warmth spread in new ways that were more than just physical.
“Yes. More please.”
“Careful what you wish for Hyuka. You tell him that and the guy may never shut up again.” Taehyun’s voice sounded playful, using humor to bury the tears hidden beneath it. Kai was okay with that. He felt okay with anything in those moments. If none of them ever stopped talking another day in their lives, that would still sound so good to him. He still needed it.
“See? What did I tell you baby? I can do even better than just mine. You’re not gonna be mine, you’re gonna be ours okay? Only ours.”
Kai had truly doubted if it was possible, but every moment of the next half hour that passed only served to prove Soobin right. This was so much better than anything he had ever asked for. Kai quickly found that he had no reason to seek out or become needy for anything at all because every single thing that he had ever needed and craved was already here in such abundance. He flowed in a cloud of warmth and protection, surrounded by body heat and softly spoken comforting words that never faded. Soon there weren’t any walls surrounding them or pressure inside of his brain. There was nothing. He was entirely empty. Just a blank husk that didn’t need to do anything but belong to them, soaking up every speck of wonderful skin-to-skin contact and each spoken word that bled deep through his entire being. He stopped crying. His breathing was returning to a normal that he had almost forgotten, and the world finally felt fine again. Everything that had built up until it was drowning him before dissipated slowly, and now there’s nothing left to explode and tear him up anymore. There’s nothing left to choke him. Nothing left to hate.
“Our sweet baby. *sniffle* You’ve done so good. You’ve been so strong.” Yeonjun remained sniffling back tears from his eyes far past the point that Kai had stopped. He was a bit overwhelmed himself, ridden with powerful emotion, but he was dealing with it by continuing to gently pet Kai’s hair and letting the other three cling and touch around the both of them.
A little while ago Taehyun had given Kai his Molang, which he was now clutching into his arms instead of their limbs. He could feel again. It felt nice and soft to hug now, calming and lovely in a different way. Grounding and good, just not quite as amazing as Soobin and Beomgyu’s hands feel as they’re squeezing into his arms around the plushy.
“You’re still crying hyung?” Not long ago Kai’s voice had finally stopped sounding so whimpery and pathetic, though the others had never interpreted it that way at all. Kai had, but now it’s just soft, sweet and sleepy. Just another thing he thought he hated, but all that hatred could melt away once he became completely theirs. Kai thinks that his voice sounds small and cute now and he likes how it instantly makes them all smile when he talks.
“Just a little bit. I’m okay love.”
“You know Yeonjun hyung. He’s a bit too dramatic. Thinks too much.” Kai wanted to ask for Taehyun to come closer as he spoke up, but just as always, he didn’t need to. They spoiled him. The moment Taehyun finished speaking he already knew what Kai would like the most, so he knelt over to place a soft kiss on Kai’s forehead, gentle and oozing with love. It felt like his mind was being read.
“Thinking about what?”
“*sniffle* I just hate when you have meltdowns baby. I love you, and I hate it when you feel so bad.”
“I’m sorry hyung. I don’t anymore though, so… it’s okay.”
“I know love. *sniffle* Everything's okay.” Now Yeonjun was kissing him as well, and Kai wonders how their delicate lips can somehow feel even better than the rest of their skin. So delicate, warm and soft as they slid across him. So wonderful.
“Don’t worry baby, our hyung just loves you a bit too much.” Kai wants to tell Soobin that’s a good thing. He wants to reply that he hopes they all love him a bit too much to handle, but the words seem to glide across his tongue and then rest there before they can ever be heard. It really doesn’t need to be said after all.
“I know it’s probably late and you’re all tired but-but… I don’t want you to go anywhere. I don't want to be alone.” Kai’s cheeks turn pink as he talks, his voice nearly so small and faint that it was difficult to understand. Despite that, they all heard his words easily.
“We’re not going anywhere. We’re all staying right here baby.” Beomgyu spoke so readily and without a single breath of hesitation, so strong that it stunned Kai for a moment.
“But-it it won’t be comfortable for you all in here. I know we have to go back to practice tomorrow a-and you’ll all be tired if you-”
“Shhh…. Breathe. You don’t need to worry about it. You don’t have to do anything remember? You’re nothing but ours tonight.” Kai couldn’t protest anymore, couldn’t pretend like reality or responsibilities were really important to him yet. None of it matters. Because those words felt so good to hear, and he’s still sitting inside this warmth and wonderful environment where Taehyun’s words couldn’t possibly be anything but true. Of course, it doesn’t matter. For this moment, and what feels like every moment to come, Kai doesn’t need to be or feel anything. He’s just for them, and they’re only meant for him.
“You really think any of us would ever be willing to leave now? Now that we’ve all gotten comfortable here with you? We’d all be tired and miserable if we forced ourselves to go back to our own rooms by ourselves.”
“The other rooms are unnecessary. Soobinnie can tell hyung-nim that I don’t need it since I’m just gonna sleep with my baby forever anyways.” Kai couldn’t possibly do anything but easily agree. He wasn’t ready to do anything else. Not when Yeonjun is holding and petting him, the complete embodiment of every good sensation he could possibly imagine.
“Don’t you remember baby? I already told you that I’m not leaving. I meant what I said.” Kai honestly didn’t remember that very well. Most of what had been happening when Soobin first walked in felt like a nightmarish haze, as if none of it was real in the first place.
“Okay, I want you to be totally honest with us. How do you feel right now?” It felt too difficult for Kai to put into words, even though Taehyun wasn’t rushing him. He was squeezing comfort along his shoulders and placing another sweet kiss on his lips, waiting patiently for Kai to process everything that he needed to. He only giggled when Yeonjun scoffed with jealousy, soon chasing Taehyun’s lips with a small kiss of his own. Kai loved it. It kept all of the ringing and horror away, but he still couldn’t think of words to phrase anything else.
“Better. I don’t need to worry about anything else right? I’m just yours. All of yours. Remember?”
“Like we could ever forget.” Beomgyu pecked his lips at the skin on Kai’s thighs, his soft lips rubbing for just a moment before his body wrapped around and clung to Kai’s legs. Kai
was
still wearing his shorts and t-shirt from before, Beomgyu just kept continuously pulling them up without a care in the world.
“I mean physically. How do you feel physically Hyuka?” Taehyun brushed the hair from the younger’s face, looking so nice and wonderful even in the dim lighting. It’s still hard to answer, mostly because Kai truly doesn’t feel like any of it matters anymore. It wasn’t important to him, but if it’s important to Taehyun then he’ll try.
“Just… spent I guess. I feel like a big wet noodle. My throat hurts and - and I have a headache. My scalp feels painful.”
“Our sweet baby, I’m so sorry.” Yeonjun hugged him tightly, softly kissing the top of his head 1000 times as he held him. It’s like he’s trying to drown away the pain with kisses. Kai likes the feeling, but Yeonjun’s voice sounds upset and he suddenly becomes worried that his words have made Yeonjun feel bad again. It’s not worth it if he feels better by making them feel worse. He’d rather be miserable again than make his hyungs keep feeling sad.
“I’m okay with it, really hyung. It’s not that bad. Please don’t cry.”
“I’m not. I promise my love. I’m just sorry that you’re still hurting. I wish I could kiss it all away.”
“You already did hyung. This is-iss more just inconvenient than anything else. It’s better-than-than all that other stuff. Because of you guys.”
“We’re all more than just glad about that baby, seriously. We will all happily cheer for you later, but we still don’t want you to be in any physical pain or discomfort either.” Kai doesn’t argue with Beomgyu’s words, aware that nothing he could say will ease their minds.
“*sigh* I’ve already checked your scalp baby. There’s no bruises and you didn’t pull anything out this time. It’s just sore.” Kai was genuinely confused, not having any idea when Soobin had checked his scalp for bruising. He’s fairly certain that he never fell asleep. He was awake throughout the entire miserable nightmare that was earlier, but he doesn’t recall that happening at all. Kai quickly decides it’s not important enough to dwell on for too long.
“Let me get you some water and medicine. It’ll help you feel a bit better.” Before Kai can adamantly protest and beg that he doesn't need anything, Taehyun is already running away to get a glass of fresh water and pain pills. Kai immediately feels lost with creeping fears of horrible thoughts. The others seem to already know how much he hates it. Before he could start to get upset about the loss they cuddled into him so closely, surrounding him with as much body heat as possible while promising that it was only temporary. Taehyun will come right back to his side in just a minute.
A single moment passes and then they’re proven right. Taehyun comes with a tall glass of cold water and pain medicine, insisting that Kai takes it and drinks a bit. He then joins him in bed again to swarm his skin with cuddles and warmth. He fixes it so fast that Kai entirely forgets he was gone at all.
Kai has as much time as he needs to fully realize everything, finally able to accept that this is never going to leave. For as long as he needs it they will always be here, and he will always be theirs for as long as necessary. He can count on this safe bubble of protection to surround him completely, keeping him safe until he can handle the weight of his own thoughts and feelings again. It’s so nice, so perfect, and Kai feels tiredness starting to catch up when he allows himself to completely relax. He’s actually so tired that it might be a bit unreal, but he doesn’t want to close his eyes and stop seeing them all so soon.
“I know you’re getting so sleepy baby. You’ve been through a lot tonight. You can go to sleep now.”
“I’m fine.”
“Rest baby. We’re not going anywhere.”
“Whether you’re asleep or not, we’ll all be right here just the same when the sun rises.” His resistance isn’t about being scared or lonely, it’s just about wanting to enjoy this longer. It’s about wanting a wonderful moment like this to last forever, but Kai doesn’t know how to explain that and he doesn’t have any energy left to try. So he doesn’t, and before long the exhaustion is too strong to fight any longer. It lulled Kai down into a gentle and comfortable sleep, his hyungs surrounding him and eventually falling to the same fate.
When he awoke the world was so different. All of the beautiful and wonderful things that he felt before were still there, but it was also full of so many other complexities piled on top. Despite that Kai didn’t want to drown and he didn’t feel crushed under the weight of anything at all. He was ready to spend less time being only theirs, and more time interacting with reality. He knew it wasn’t going to drown him.
The others had more varying reactions as they began and continued throughout the day, all of them watching Kai a little more closely than normal as they started to work. They wanted to touch him a little extra and whisper soft words into his ears that made him giggle.
Yeonjun probably needed those hugs and giggles more than Kai did then. Kai actually wanted a little distance, feeling like too much might overwhelm him and make the whole living in reality thing kind of hard. He wasn’t ready to be accepting of their advances yet. It only made Yeonjun become more scared and distraught with worry. He knew there was never any way to entirely know the cause of yesterday’s meltdown. There’s no way to confirm that their busy schedule and being overworked had actually done it, but there’s no way to refute that either. What if it was? Every time Kai pushed them away or started becoming invested in rehearsals and planning Yeonjun felt scared that it was just building miserable pressure into his brain again. He didn’t want Kai to go through that same horror two days in a row. He just wants to cuddle and hold him more. To never stop talking and comforting him for as long as they live.
The other three took that responsibility on instead, primarily Beomgyu and Soobin. They had already known that Yeonjun would feel needier and emotional today and that Kai might not be ready to have any part of it yet. It wasn’t the first time. This sometimes happens after meltdowns, and it likely wouldn’t be the last occurrence either. So Soobin and Beomgyu happily took Kai’s place. They let Yeonjun cuddle and love on them until he was quite literally suffocating them with his kisses, and then they let him take it a little farther. The two spoke whatever words he needed, playing whatever role Yeonjun wanted them to until his nerves settled down and he could feel more relaxed again. They both knew that it was better this way. Soobin liked being the caring and calm one. He liked being needed like this, even if he didn’t want to admit it all the time. And Beomgyu knew that Kai was content and safe. His pain is over for now and that’s all he needed. Taehyun had him more than covered, and when he’s ready for more then Kai will ask for it. Just because they aren’t right next to each other every second and being loving all the time doesn’t make Kai any less theirs.
Taehyun and Kai had a somewhat silent agreement that day, the same one they always have when this happens. Kai wanted distance to just be invested in something else for a while, and Taehyun agreed to give that to him. He stayed back for the most part, only breaking their unspoken contract for brief moments at a time and then stepping away again. It was mostly to make Kai drink some water or to tell him it’s time to take a couple more pain pills. Kai’s throat and head were still aching pretty badly after yesterday, and Taehyun was ensuring that they stayed on top of it so that it couldn't get worse and impact other parts of Kai’s life. When Kai needed to be held or kissed for a moment Taehyun did that. When he needed to hear their voices again Taehyun fulfilled, and when he was done then it was easily over. No more and no less than exactly what Kai asked for, including space and time to himself.
Even that wouldn’t continue forever, and by dinner that evening it was all becoming a distant memory. Kai’s headache was subsiding, his throat recovering well after all the water Taehyun had forced upon him. He was ready for things to be normal again, back to how they were a few days ago. Kai didn’t want to be smothered and touched all the time, but he didn’t want to be left alone and always responsible either. He wanted a comfortable middle ground, where he didn’t always get everything exactly how he wants it and that’s okay too. When it came time for dinner they entered the restaurant that Beomgyu had picked, Kai casually walked up to Yeonjun and hugged his back before starting to rub his belly. The shirt still feels terrible. His skin always feels better.
Yeonjun grinned, fully at ease within a matter of seconds. They all walked in to sit down and just like that everything was okay again. It wasn’t a big deal and nothing else needed to be done or said. They all knew the timing was right, and easily settled back into the comfortable air that they all shared. They were happy to call it normal. They finished dinner while laughing and smiling, Beomgyu and Taehyun finishing first as always. They found the food that Kai liked the most, the one he said both tasted and felt just right, and he ate as much of it as he wanted until it all ran out and his belly felt stuffed. They laughed and teased each other with Kai happily stimming the entire way back and then separated to their own bedrooms without feeling worried.
Kai watched some videos on his phone, clutching his plushie into his arms and falling asleep in his bed not long after. None of it was horrible or terrifying, and it wasn’t great or beautiful either. It just was. He slept there for a while, and before sunrise, he ended up in Beomgyu’s bedroom cuddling against his hyungs stomach instead. Little did he know, Yeonjun had joined Soobin to sleep with him only an hour or so before that. He started to think that maybe Yeonjun had been right. Getting five separate hotel rooms had been really unnecessary.