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♪ I’m starting to feel some sort of way ♪
♪ You give me goosebumps every day ♪
♪ And when you look at me and smile I wanna say ♪
♪ "I think you're okay" ♪
It’s been around a month since a new school year began and Flash apologized to Peter. If he was being honest, it was something he’s been putting off for a long while. A thought he’s been thinking of for a while.
His mistreatment of the younger teen was rooted in a place of insecurity and envy, and he knew it wasn’t kind. Though it took Flash sleepless nights of self-loathing and people being fed up for him to pluck up the courage and apologize
It’s been a month since that day and he’s still getting used to the amicable turn their relationship took. And it took only that month for him to learn that he’s the type to fall fast and hard. Maybe it’s a long time coming, too.
Peter enters his sight and suddenly, his heart is hammering in his chest, pounding against his rib cage, goosebumps running across his arms. He smiles and his eyes crinkle in delight and it feels Flash’s stomach with goosebumps.
He wants to be the reason Peter smiles that widely, wants to be the reason he laughs loudly. It only makes him more guilty and self-loathing. But then Peter turns to him with a smile and everything just dissipates.
♪ Your stupid face makes me insane ♪
♪ My heart feels like it's trapped in cellophane ♪
♪ And every time I try to unwrap the pain ♪
♪ I feel so ashamed ♪
Peter’s all he can see in that sea of faceless strangers. His expressive eyes that peer into his soul sometimes, his fluffy brown curls, his lean figure covered by the amount of layers he wears, his rosy lips that’re often chapped.
It makes him feel insane, with how filled he is with thoughts of Peter. It makes his heart ache that he probably won’t ever have Peter as more than a friend. Those arms that hung over his shoulder won’t embrace him as they lay bare together.
His heart aches when he sees Peter speak to someone else and his mind tells him they’ll be what he cannot be to Peter, willingly or not. Sometimes, he tries to stop it from growing, tries to stop this development from advancing further.
And he feels ashamed when he sees Peter’s hurt expression as he tries to distance himself. And he comes crawling back, desperate to get rid of that hurt. So he’s stuck with the subject of his affections, a prisoner to his selfish heart’s desires.
♪ Oh, but you don't know how I feel, mmm ♪
♪ It's like everyday I'm runnin' uphill ♪
♪ Oh, why can't I just spit it out and tell you right now ♪
♪ That you're the one I want out loud? ♪
Somehow, Peter remains oblivious to the way his breath hitches and his heart races and his cheeks heat up. Peter hovers inches away from him, laughing along with him and drinking coffee, unaware of how his laugh is like the spray of sea to Flash.
How his head is a star hovering around Flash, a light in the dark, warm yet painful, close yet out of reach. Ignorant to how the grass grows a little greener with his bright sunshine-like smile.
Flash feels out of breath sometimes, heart stuttering in his chest as if he ran miles. It’s cruel to himself, to be optimistic with every time Peter spends around him. At times, he feels so close to spitting it out, whenever he gets lost in Peter’s eyes.
His mouth parts and the words were heavy on his tongue, ready to fall out, but something stops him. He can’t tell Peter how he feels and it’s tiring, even he’s annoyed at himself. He yearns to just be able to say it out loud that he likes Peter. But he can’t.
♪ I guess I'll stop here and not hint at all ♪
♪ That you're the one I've fallen for ♪
♪ But if you ever think of me as anything more ♪
♪ I'll be here at your call ♪
At night, lying on his bed, he’ll look at the ceiling, thinking of Peter not for the first time. In the day, he’ll open his mouth, thinking he’s ready to tell him. But he wouldn’t. So he guesses he’ll just stop at where they are.
Maybe he could go further, be that someone to Peter that he longs to be. But he won't, he’ll stop where he is with his cellophane-covered heart and goosebumps without giving Peter any hint as to why his heart races every time he’s near.
So it’s painful, but it’s also nice, to be in love. He’ll drink his coffee with Peter who’ll burn his tongue and stick it out, fanning it as if that’ll heal it, and Flash would look at him with adoration in his eyes, with no verbal hint for Peter to know.
He’ll sometimes bump into Peter lightheartedly and banter with him, all the while falling deeper, thinking he’s doing a good job at masking his feelings. But in the moments of delusion, he looks at Peter and hopes that the path of more opens up.
If Peter ever feels the same, even if it’s as temporary as the summer rain, he’ll be at Peter’s call. Only a tap on his phone, and only three words. That’ll be all Flash would need.