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The first time Stefan went to Colin’s flat was also the first time he met Kitty, Colin’s girlfriend. She would have seemed shy, if not for her eccentric appearance, as she only responded to her introduction with a small wave and a forced smile.
But she oozed self-confidence. She didn’t need to be loud about the fact that she was above everyone else, she knew it and that meant that you knew it too. She was a perfect match for Colin, and a complete opposite to Stefan. That was apparently what Colin wanted.
Stefan had learnt to love Colin from a distance. Only accepting what he was given and never trying to take any more. He would allow himself to hold Colin’s gaze for a second too long, to let any touch linger until Colin pulled away, but never to make a move of his own. That would be too cruel.
Not only to himself, as he knew there was no chance of Colin reciprocating his feelings, but also to Colin’s family. Kitty was a good person. She was kind to Stefan and looked after Colin, when he needed it. She did more than Stefan ever could.
And they had a daughter. A baby. Stefan never let his hopes get too high because even in the impossible chance that Colin did love him too, Stefan knew that he would be breaking up a family, which was a pressure he couldn’t take.
So he loved Colin from the sidelines, and never let himself get too close. That was the way things had to be.
Stefan was sat in his usual seat, on the sofa opposite Colin, the coffee table placed in the middle of them. They had been passing a joint between them, discussing Stefan’s plans for his new game. The first since Bandersnatch.
The plans had been going well, he had a thought-out story and a new, original premise to entice players. It was unique in a new way, different to Bandersnatch but still authentic to the name that Stefan was making for himself. Colin was loving the idea and had been pressing Stefan for more information.
“I still need time,” Stefan insisted, exhaling a steady stream of smoke. “Bandersnatch was…a lot for me to deal with. I think I need to take it slower, this time around.”
Colin nodded wisely. “Good call. But I had a better idea.” Stefan hesitated. He had thought Colin would be happy with the idea, he had seen the worst of what Stefan could be when he was in ‘the hole’. Wouldn’t Colin want him to avoid that?
“We can work on it together,” Colin suggested. Everything Stefan had been planning to say had left him, leaving him stuttering. “W-what?”
“Think about it, Stefan. We’re two of the biggest names in gaming. Bandersnatch was a hit and I’ve had a best-selling game every year since I started. With our names on one game, we would sell millions.”
Stefan took this in, then took another hit of the joint. “You don’t think it would be too…stress-y?”
“Stress-y?” Colin laughed and Stefan felt his ears burn. “You know what I mean. We’re both used to working alone. Don’t you think we would have clashing ideas? Or a different way of doing things?”
“Of course we would,” Colin agreed, which felt like the first sane thing Stefan had heard him say. “But that comes with any game. Fight with your own head, remember? Even when working alone, we find a way to start a disagreement.”
That made Stefan smile. Colin understood him in a way that no one else did. When Stefan was struggling with his own mind, Colin knew exactly how to explain it to him.
It was one of the thousands of things he loved about Colin Ritman. But Stefan knew he could never do the same for him, and that was one of the thousands of reasons that they could never be together.
“So,” Colin began, interrupting Stefan’s long train of thought. “What do you say?” Stefan met Colin’s eyes. There was excitement and determination. Colin really wanted this, Stefan realised. And all he wanted was for Colin to be happy.
“Okay,” Stefan said, giving in. “I’ll do it.” Colin grinned from ear-to-ear and Stefan felt a fluttering low in his stomach.
This was too much, he told himself. Making a game took months, and that meant months spent with Colin. Stefan tried to tell himself that it was a bad idea, but, of course, he never listened.
“Meet me in the office tomorrow. We’ll need Thakur’s approval, of course. But don’t worry-“ he added when Stefan’s eyes widened. “He’ll approve. Working together would mean big money, and that’s all he cares about.”
Colin was right, of course. When they went to the office the next day to discuss their plans with Mr Thakur, Stefan had practically seen the dollar signs flash in his eyes. “Amazing idea, boys. I knew I could count on you.”
Colin rolled his eyes when Thakur wasn’t looking, which made Stefan giggle. Which he then had to cover with a cough, much to Colin’s amusement.
It made Stefan feel included, sharing secret glances with Colin. He was used to being the third man in the room, the one not in on the joke. The change of pace was a welcome one for him, but not so much for Mr Thakur, who was looking between them irately.
They sat looking up expectantly at Mohan, until he started clapping his hands at the them. “Come on then. You’ve only got until September!”
Stefan rushed out, leaving Colin sauntering behind him. The door to Thakur’s office closed slowly, allowing him to glare at them for five solid seconds as they left.
“Stefan!” Colin shouted after him. Stefan wheeled round, almost slamming into Colin. He scrambled back to increase the space between them. He could feel every inch like a mile, needing to be closer and having to resist the urge to close the gap separating them.
“We need to work out how we’re going to do this. I usually work here, you’re used to working at home. What do you think will work best?”
This was Stefan’s chance. He could tell Colin to work on his part of the game, and Stefan would work on his own. They wouldn’t need to interact at all. Stefan wouldn’t need to see Colin until the final submission. But he wanted to see Colin, badly enough to be selfish in his decision.
“I’ll come into the office, my house will be too out of your way.”
“Are you sure?” Colin checked, and Stefan nodded. “Of course.”
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow,” Colin replied, and with that he left for the lift, leaving Stefan staring after him.
Over the next two months, Stefan’s life became entirely revolved around Colin. At least, more than it had already been. They worked together all day, stayed late at the office together, spent their lunch breaks together to discuss ideas. And through everything, Stefan could feel himself falling impossibly more in love with Colin.
Stefan noticed every small movement that Colin made, remembering them just to overanalyse them later, when he was alone and still couldn’t get Colin out of his mind. Every glance and touch and smile, Stefan collected in his memory like treasures. Small things like that meant everything to someone who really had nothing.
The night before submission, Colin had discovered a bug and asked Stefan to stay behind with him after everyone else went home. Stefan had agreed, and forced himself not to think about it too much.
Him and Colin had stayed late before, but never too late. Colin had a family to go home to. But that night, the hours flew by, playing through multiples runs of the game and going back to make last minute edits. Before they both knew it, they were working into the early hours of the morning.
Stefan was watching Colin make an edit to one of the sprites, his head resting on his arms, which were crossed on the desk in front of him. Colin was basked in white light from the computer screen, reflecting in the lenses of his glasses.
“Hey Colin,” Stefan drawled, his eyelids feeling heavy. “What time is it?” Colin looked up at the clock on the wall and swore under his breath. “Bollocks. It’s half three.”
Stefan jolted up. Colin had technically been telling the truth, with it being thirty-two minutes past three. “Shit.”
Colin made a few quick clicks and sat back in his chair. “That should do it. Ready for submission.” Stefan settled back into his previous position, squeezed his eyes shut and smiled. “That’s good.”
Colin laughed, making Stefan turn his head. Colin was looking down at him, an affectionate smile on his lips. Stefan’s brain felt static. He’d never seen Colin smile like that before. “I don’t know,” Colin said. “I’ll quite miss this.” Stefan frowned, “this?”
“Working with you. Seeing you in the office every day. I assume you’ll be going back to working from home.” Stefan sat up and shrugged. “Probably. I won’t need to come back in until I submit my next idea, anyway.” He looked back over to Colin, who was still watching him. “That’s a shame,” he said. “I think I’ll miss you.”
Stefan felt like his heart had grown wings and flown out through his throat. Colin liked to work with him, so much so that he was going to miss him. Stefan had to consciously make the effort to breath, although he didn’t see much point in it. Life wasn’t going to get any better than this.
“I guess it’ll be nice though,” Colin continued. “I’ll get to spend a lot more time with Pearl. Kitty needs the break, she’s probably been worked harder than I have.”
In that moment, with them few words, everything came crashing back down. Colin had a family waiting for him, who would congratulate him when the game was successfully submitted, and celebrate when it became a best-seller, and Stefan had nothing. A dead mother, an over-the-top therapist and a dad who didn’t care. That’s who he was going home to.
Stefan felt his heart break and shatter like a fragile vase, slammed hard against a wall. That’s how it felt, being slammed with the realisation that he would always be alone.
“We should go,” Stefan mumbled. “My dad will be waiting for me.” He knew it was a lie as he said it, but Colin didn’t and that’s what mattered. What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, not that any of Stefan’s problems would be any issue of Colin’s anyway.
“Right,” Colin agreed, standing up. Stefan did the same and together they made their way to the door. As they walked, they drew closer, and by the time they had reached the door, their hands were brushing.
The air between them felt static, like electricity was passing between their fingers. Stefan stopped in the doorway and looked up at Colin.
Opening the door felt too final, like saying goodbye. After tomorrow, he didn’t know when he’d see Colin again. Would it be months? Years?
Stefan opened his mouth to speak but he was stopped by Colin, who had grabbed Stefan on either side of his head and pressed his lips against his.
Stefan felt his eyes growing wider, as if they would never stop. His knees shook and he had to grab onto Colin to steady himself.
Colin’s hands slid down his side, mapping his chest and moving over his hips. Stefan felt hot all over, like he was burning from the inside. Is this what it felt like to be with Colin Ritman? Is this how Kitty felt every day?
He pushed that thought to the back of his mind. The sheer memory of Kitty would have stopped him from doing this, under any other circumstances. But Colin had kissed him. This was Colin’s choice. All Stefan had to do was take what he was given, and he was more than happy to do that.
Both of Colin’s hands were bracketing Stefan’s waist. He felt like he was floating, like his feet had left the ground. Then Stefan realised that they had, and that Colin was lifting him.
Instinctively, he wrapped his legs around Colin, his feet resting below his hips. The weight made Colin stumble and Stefan’s back hit the wall behind them.
But it didn’t feel solid. Nothing did. He still felt as if he were floating through air, like he was weightless. His hands and mouth moved with no control. He felt no control. He had given it all over to Colin.
He could do what he wanted and Stefan would play along. He wanted Colin to be happy, it’s all he wanted. So he wouldn’t push. He wouldn’t make the next move. That was Colin’s job. Stefan’s was to please.
Colin spun them around, walking until his knees hit a desk. He lowered Stefan, sitting him down in front of him. All the while, Colin’s lips never left Stefan’s.
They had been kissing for so long that Stefan no longer felt air in his lungs. They felt empty, but he didn’t feel the need to pull away for air. It was like he’d lost the need to breathe.
Colin arched forward until Stefan’s back was lay flat on the desk, presumably on top of stacks of paperwork.
Still, nothing felt solid. It was as if Colin had lain Stefan down on a cloud. Like they were alone in the sky, where no one could reach them and all that mattered was him and Colin. Nothing else, just him and Colin. Him and Colin. Him and-
Colin jumped up as if he had been shocked. His glasses were askew on his nose, his lips were red and his eyes were…wet?
This was confirmed when a singular, shining tear rolled down Colin’s cheek. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He looked around with startled eyes as if he was only now realising where he was, and what he was doing.
“I’m sorry.” He didn’t look at Stefan, so he wasn’t sure if Colin was still talking to him. Suddenly, without another word, Colin sped out of the office, leaving Stefan lay on the desk, still catching his breath.
The next day, Colin kept his distance. He sat across the room from Stefan and never said a word. When they left the office, Colin walked quickly out without even a glance in his direction. As if they didn’t even know each other.
It frustrated Stefan. He knew he shouldn’t be accepting Colin’s shit, because that’s exactly what it was. Bullshit. But he told himself that he could only take what Colin handed him. Colin had to create the boundaries, make the rules. If Stefan tried, he would risk losing Colin completely, if he hadn’t already.
A week later, Stefan was walking up the road to Saint Juniper’s when he saw Colin loitering outside. He looked terrible. His hair and clothes were a mess, his skin was pale and he had almost-black circles under his eyes.
“Stefan?” Colin asked when he got closer. “How did you know I would be here?” Stefan replied. Colin looked down at the ground, refusing to meet his eyes. “I’ve seen you down here before. I figured it was the same time every week.”
Stefan watched and waited for Colin to continue, which he didn’t seem eager to do. “Are you going to tell me why you kissed me?” Stefan prompted. Colin laughed to himself, which only further angered Stefan.
“I thought that was the obvious part,” Colin said. Stefan countered, “not to me.”
Colin looked disappointed, the worst thing he could be. Stefan couldn’t stand it. If he couldn’t make Colin proud, what could he do?
“Did I do something wrong?” Stefan asked, and to his surprise, Colin groaned. “Christ, Stefan, grow a fucking backbone!”
Stefan felt as if he’d been slapped. He could almost feel the heat of it on his face, like Colin had left a mark on him.
“Stefan, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I love you-“
“You love me, do you? Because from where I am, it sounds like you can’t fucking stand me.” The words came out before Stefan could stop them. Colin look impressed, and despite himself, Stefan felt pride.
“You know that’s not true. I love you so much, Stefan. Too much for a man who has a girlfriend and a daughter.”
Colin shakily pulled out a cigarette from his pocket and placed it loosely between his lips. Stefan would have snatched it out of his mouth and demanded for him to explain, but Colin really looked like he needed that cigarette.
“Do you love her? Kitty?” Stefan clarified. Colin nodded. “That’s what makes it so confusing. I love her, and I love you, and it’s driving me crazy.”
“I love you too,” Stefan replied. “If that helps.” Colin chuckled sadly. “If anything, that makes it worse. It’ll make it harder to say goodbye.”
Stefan had seen it coming. Of course Colin wouldn’t choose him. He wasn’t even an option, especially not compared to Kitty. But it still hit him hard, the realisation that Colin wasn’t his, and he never would be.
“If we didn’t have Pearl, I don’t know what I’d do,” Colin continued. “But I have a family. Kitty couldn’t raise a baby alone, and Pearl deserves a father.”
“What do I deserve?” Stefan asked, maybe for the first time in his life. When his mother had died, he had blamed himself, when his dad lashed out, Stefan took it. He had always considered other people, especially Colin. Now, for once, he had to think for himself.
Colin’s voice quivered as he said, “so much, Stefan. You deserve so much better than me.”
Better than Colin Ritman didn’t exist, Stefan knew that much. There was no one like him. No one could match his talent and wit, his intelligence and courage, or his charisma. Nothing compared to the feeling of Colin’s attention, that made you feel like the only important thing in the whole world.
“I don’t think that’s possible,” Stefan stated. Colin shook his head. “You can do better than me, Stefan. You’ll find a better man than me, who can love you better than I can. I just don’t think I can be around to see it happen.”
Then came the second realisation. He was losing Colin as a lover, a friend, a colleague, everything. Their relationship would cease. To each other, they would be nothing.
“So this is goodbye forever?” Stefan asked and Colin nodded regretfully. “It’s how it has to be. Otherwise, I’ll never stop thinking about you.”
Stefan knew that distance wouldn’t stop him from loving Colin. He could never see him again, but he would love him for the rest of his life. Theirs was the unconditional kind of love. Nothing could stop it, not even them.
“Just…before I go, can I kiss you? One last time?” Colin stepped closer, reaching out to hold Stefan’s arm.
Before, Stefan would have done anything Colin asked. He still had the urge to do so. But it wasn’t just him and Colin any more, the world wasn’t theirs. There were people on the street, and in the buildings and cars, and if he kissed Colin, then they would see. And that mattered.
Stefan stepped back and Colin’s arm fell limply to his side. He looked away again, refusing to make eye contact. “I understand,” he said. Stefan felt tears building. He couldn’t bear disappointing Colin, it was like fighting every impulse in his body. He longed to kiss Colin again, even if he knew it would be their final one. But it was too late.
“Goodbye Stefan,” Colin whispered and for the last time, Stefan watched him leave, and he didn’t look away until Colin was lost in the London crowd. Lost to him, forever.