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Over the years of working at Tuckersoft, Stefan saw Colin’s friends come and go. Mr Thakur had moved him into a small cubicle across the room from Colin’s, so when a friend of his came looking for him, Stefan always saw them.
They always looked like some variation of Colin. Colourful hair, tasteful jewellery and smart clothes, decorated with band logos and political statements. Stefan looked up to them. He didn’t consider himself to have any sort of style, instead rotating the same selection of jumpers and jackets.
Colin and his friends were different than that. They were bold, and had opinions, and attitude. Stefan didn’t necessarily want to be like them. He didn’t like drawing attention to himself, except when that attention came from Colin.
Getting attention from Colin Ritman was like being basked in sunlight. Stefan revelled in every moment that he got to talk to Colin. He made any excuse to ask him for help with his work, and when Colin came over unexpectedly to test his most recent game, Stefan would think about it for hours afterwards.
So after the third week of Colin not talking to him, at all, Stefan decided that something was wrong. Maybe his last idea for a game had disappointed Colin, or worse, Colin had gotten bored of him, deeming Stefan to be uninteresting compared to his fashionable friends. Something had to be done, and so Stefan made a plan.
On the Friday of Colin’s third week of silence, Stefan left the office and went straight down to Tesco, where he then headed straight to the cosmetics aisle. It was like a foreign planet, brightly lit and filled with boxes, which were decorated with smiling women with vibrant hair. Stefan hurriedly picked a box and rushed out, ironically not wanting to draw too much attention to himself.
Because that was exactly why he was doing this. He wanted Colin’s attention back, because without it, he couldn’t live. Everyday he watched Colin, longing for him to look back. And he never did. Never a glance, never a word, it was like Stefan didn’t even exist. He needed to do something about it.
So he bought the hair dye, and on the Sunday night, Stefan brought the dye with him into the bathroom and got to work, and by the time he walked out, his hair was a bright teal.
Looking in the mirror for the first time with his new hair had been like looking at a stranger. His hair had grown out over years of him neglecting it, and so now curled around his chin. He even looked less pale, his dark hair and dark circles and dark clothes had washed him out. Now he looked brighter. He felt more confident already, and when he smiled and his reflection smiled back, it didn’t even feel forced.
That smile only grew the next morning, when he walked into the office and was greeted by an open-mouthed Colin.
Stefan had sat at his desk as normal, except this time, when he looked up, Colin was looking back. When he smiled, Colin didn’t. He just kept staring.
It would have been unnerving, if it hadn’t been what Stefan had wanted all along. Any attention was good attention, from Colin. He didn’t have to smile, or compliment his hair, or even talk to him. Stefan just needed Colin to notice him.
It was almost the end of the day by the time Colin walked over. He leaned over the back of Stefan’s computer, catching his eye when Stefan looked up from the screen.
Colin opened his mouth but no sound came out. Was he nervous? Stefan wondered. He had never seen Colin nervous before.
“Your hair is blue,” Colin said, finally. Stefan hadn’t known what to expect when he dyed his hair, but he had expected more than that.
“Yeah,” Stefan replied. “I dyed it.” Colin nodded. “I like it,” he said. Stefan felt himself blush. He kept his cool, on the outside at least, but inside he was grinning, and screaming, and probably crying, because after three weeks of being ignored all Stefan needed to do to get Colin’s attention was to dye his hair.
Colin walked around and sat himself down next to Stefan. “Let’s see your latest then.”
This took Stefan by surprise. He had wanted a glance from Colin at the most, but now it was as if Colin had never gone silent. It was just like their friendship used to be. Talking over desks and playing each others games. It made Stefan realise just how much had missed being Colin’s friend.
”I’ve been working on another adaption,” Stefan began to explain, pulling up his latest work. “Of a comic, this time. Space Fleet. Do you know it?”
”I’ve heard of it,” Colin replied. Stefan nodded. “It’s good. I have the whole collection, I could lend you-“
”Is it a direct adaption of the comics?” Colin interrupted. Stefan paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts after realising he had been rambling.
“That’s the problem,” he began, slowly. “I was thinking about a direct adaption but Space Fleet is a lot more well-known than Bandersnatch. If I pulled directly from the book then everyone would already know the plot.”
Colin thought about this for a moment, making himself comfortable by resting his feet on the desk. He had done it dozens of times before, the familiarity made Stefan feel calmer. He didn’t have anything to worry about when Colin was around.
“Make it from another character’s perspective,” Colin suggested. “The plot beats would be the same but the characters would be different.”
”Like, if I did it from the perspective of one of the characters outside of the USS Callister?”
“Yes…” Colin said uncertainly. Stefan had forgotten that he wouldn’t know what that meant. “That’s the ship,” he explained. Colin nodded again, still seemingly confused.
“Anyway, that’s a great idea. I’ll think about it.” Stefan turned to his notepad to start jotting down ideas, expecting the conversation to be over. But Colin stayed where he was, in his thinking position. So instead, Stefan decided to voice his thoughts, rather than write them.
“I could…” he began. “Make the game from Valdack’s perspective…” Colin raised an eyebrow and Stefan hastened to add, “he’s the villain. That way all the fight scenes would be there but all the backstory would be different.”
Colin considered this. “That would work. And it would be a story too? Like Bandersnatch?” Stefan nodded, which didn’t seem to satisfy Colin. Shit.
“That was the plan, but if you don’t think-“
”I wasn’t saying it isn’t good,” Colin spoke over Stefan. “Bandersnatch was strong. This needs to be stronger if you want it to do as well.”
“So what are you suggesting?” He asked. “Add a mini game,” Colin responded. “One that players can do in place of the fight scenes.”
That scared Stefan. Games with conflict were more Colin’s thing. Stefan focused more on plot, and a story being told rather than shown. He didn’t know if he could do a mini game.
He said as much, which Colin responded to with, “yes you can.”
”No I can’t. Valdack always loses so when the player wins the mini game as Valdack, they’re going against the story.”
Colin shook his head. Apparently, he had thought this far ahead. “Make it impossible to beat. That’ll make it compliant to the story and keep players coming back, trying to win.”
Stefan’s eyes widened and he scrambled for his notepad. “That-That could work,” he stammered, rushing to write down all of his ideas.
“Right,” Colin chuckled, standing up. “I’ll leave you to it. Talk to me first if you need anything, okay?”
Stefan nodded absentmindedly, still writing. He didn’t process what had happened until Colin was long gone, back at his own desk. Colin had spoken to him. Worked with him. Laughed. Talked. Liked his hair.
It had been like before. When Colin would check up on him everyday, and couldn’t wait to hear about Stefan’s latest ideas. His attention was addictive. Stefan needed it again. He needed more.
Which led to a new stage in his plan. After work, Stefan went to every charity shop in town and found the perfect clothes to fit his new style. Colin’s style. He would do it slowly, adding in a new item each day so Colin never lost interest.
He wore wide-legged jeans and high top trainers, rounded sunglasses and button-up shirts. And Colin fell for it all. He would come up to Stefan every day, commenting on the days new item and asking for updates on Space Fleet.
One day, when Stefan came into the office wearing a navy blue blazer, Colin came over to his desk and placed down a handful of button badges. “I got you these,” he explained. “For your new jacket.”
Stefan looked down and saw some familiar designs: a black fist with the phrase ‘keep the faith’ arched over it, an anarchy symbol, a badge resembling a bullseye. They all matched badges that he had seen Colin wear.
“Thanks Colin,” he said happily, taking off his blazer to add the badges to his collar. Colin watched him thoughtfully. “You should swing round my house tonight. Me and my flat mate are having friends over. I think they’d like you.”
Stefan stopped and looked up at Colin. “I don’t know, Colin. I’m not-“
”I’d like you to come,” Colin added, and that was all it took. Stefan knew he couldn’t refuse, nor did he want to. Not anymore. “Okay,” he said.
Colin grinned. “Grab a pen, I’ll tell you my address.”
Stefan did as he was told. He wrote down the address, updated Colin on the game, and promised to meet him at seven.
And at seven o’clock, on the dot, Stefan knocked on Colin’s apartment door. He could already hear people laughing inside and he recognised the music playing. Heavy on the synth, not so much the lyrics.
The door opened and there was Colin, dressed in a New Order t-shirt and bleached jeans. “Stefan! Come in, say hi to everyone.”
Stefan walked awkwardly through the door, which Colin shut quickly behind him. On the floor was a circle of people, most of whom he recognised from visits to the office.
There was an empty space where Colin had presumably been sitting. “Everyone, this is Stefan. Say hi everyone.” There was a chorus of ‘hello’s and ‘hey’s from the circle. Stefan lifted his hand in a wave.
“Sit down, everyone make room for Stefan.” The circle shifted and Stefan sat down next to Colin. He didn’t know which member of the circle was Colin’s flat mate, he assumed it was one of the friends he’d seen before, but that didn’t narrow it down very much.
On his other side was a girl with orange hair. He’d seen her round the office a few times, but every time she looked different. Last time he had seen her, her hair had been long and frizzy. Now, it was in short spikes, only a few inches longer than Colin’s.
“So you’re the famous Stefan?” She asked and Stefan stuttered. “I-I wouldn’t say famous-“
”You’re famous enough to us, mate,” another friend chimed in. This one was a guy with cropped black hair and a deep voice. “Colin doesn’t shut up about you.”
Stefan blushed, turning to see Colin’s reaction. His expression was flat, his mouth set in a straight line. “That’s a gross exaggeration,” he said eventually, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. Stefan sighed inwardly, wishing Colin would give something away.
The circle chuckled and settled back into absent-minded chatter, all whilst passing a joint around. Eventually, it landed in Stefan’s hand.
“You ever smoked weed before?” The girl, who he’d learned was called Kitty, asked. Stefan nodded his head, lying but eager to impress. “Of course.”
Kitty didn’t look like she believed him, but she played along, which Stefan was grateful for. “Just checking,” she clarified, before adding herself back into the group’s conversation. Stefan looked down at the joint nervously.
Then, he felt a hand fall gently into the crook of his elbow. He turned and saw a concerned Colin looking back at him. “You don’t have to do it, if you don’t want to, Stefan. Don’t feel pressured.”
Stefan looked back at the joint. Colin had hit the nail on the head, as usual. He was feeling pressured. Not by Colin, or Kitty, or anyone in the circle, but by himself. He knew Colin was encouraging him to make his own choice, but would he really not care if Stefan didn’t smoke the joint?
Too unsure to take the chance of refusing, Stefan placed the joint between his lips and inhaled. Smoke crawled up his throat and he quickly pulled the joint away and shoved it in Colin’s hand. He held his breath, holding back a cough, which was building rapidly in his chest.
Colin watched him whilst taking his own hit of the joint. Stefan could feel his eyes water, burning with tears. Not only because he was a resisting a coughing fit, but because Colin’s eyes were still on him, and he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t belong there, he told himself. With friends that weren’t his, in clothes that weren’t his, doing drugs that he never would have dreamed of doing if it weren’t for Colin.
Before he knew what he was doing, Stefan was standing up and leaving the circle. “Stefan?” Colin asked. Stefan ignored him, walking to the nearest door and slamming it behind him. “Stefan!”
Stefan held his back against the door, finally allowing the tears to come. They fell hot down his cheeks, burning his skin. Colin’s footsteps echoed loudly in his mind. But not as loud as the knocking that came after. “Stefan? Mate, is this about the weed? I told you there was no pressure, nobody would have cared if you didn’t want it.”
His words entered Stefan’s ear and left through the other. None of it mattered, the gig was up. Colin wasn’t going to think he was cool, or interesting like all of his friends. He was going to go back to ignoring Stefan. Stefan was going to go back to meaning nothing. Being nothing.
He slid to the floor, which allowed Colin to open the door. “Stefan?” He asked cautiously. He turned on the light, making Stefan squint. His eyes hurt, his cheeks were wet and his throat felt raw. Overall, he felt like shit.
”Stefan, I’m sorry,” Colin said, crouching down in front of him. He reached out a hand and rubbed a thumb over Stefan’s cheek. “I shouldn’t have done that so quickly. I know too many people at once can be a lot. You’ve just seemed so much more confident lately.” Stefan pushed himself against the wall and away from Colin, whose hand fell to the ground in Stefan’s absence.
”Well I’m not,” Stefan said, between gritted teeth. “I’m not like you, Colin. I’m not brave, and I’m not cool. Before I met you, I’d never even heard of Tomita and I’d definitely never thought about dying my hair. I did this all for you and it still didn’t work.”
Colin took that all in with wide eyes. He took off his glasses so he could directly meet Stefan’s eyes. Stefan had never seen him without his glasses, it made him look less intimidating, more approachable. It made Stefan feel very slightly better.
“What do you mean, ‘it didn’t work’?” Stefan’s cheeks grew hot again. Tonight was apparently the night that all of his shame came out. “I missed you,” Stefan began, surprising even himself. “You didn’t speak to me for weeks, and I missed you so much. You’re…sort of my only friend.”
Stefan couldn’t tell what Colin was thinking. His eyes were downturned and so were his tightly-pressed lips. Stefan didn’t know how to feel about that. So he decided to ignore it.
”I wanted you to notice me again, so I decided to dye my hair, and wear new clothes to look more like your friends. I thought that would make you stop ignoring me…and it worked. But…now you know the truth.” Stefan stopped, leaving him and Colin sitting in silence.
Suddenly, Colin sprang forward and wrapped his arms around Stefan. “God, Stefan. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to change yourself for me.” Stefan went rigid, with no idea how to respond. He and Colin had never been like this before. They had never hugged, or cried. It scared Stefan too much to move.
“I was worried about scaring you away. After that night at your house-“ That had been the last time him and Colin had seen each other outside of the Tuckersoft office. At Stefan’s house.
Colin had come over to help set up Stefan’s new Comidor and he had ended up staying the night. In the morning, Stefan had woken up with Colin in his bed, facing him, so close that their knees had been touching, and Colin’s arm had been draped over Stefan’s waist.
Stefan had stayed there for what felt like hours, watching Colin sleep and listening to his breathing. When Colin had eventually woken up, he had been mostly silent, only speaking with prompting from Stefan. And when he had left, he didn’t even say ‘goodbye’, just promising to see Stefan on Monday, at the office. Between that day and Stefan dying his hair, it had been radio silence.
“I was so worried that I’d gone too far. I hadn’t meant to, but when I woke up next to you, I thought I’d gotten too close to you finding out about how I really felt.”
Stefan grabbed Colin by the shoulders and gently pulled him away, still close, still touching at every possible point, but far enough to meet his eyes.
”What do you mean, ‘how you really felt’?” Colin sighed and Stefan felt stupid. What was he not getting here?
“I love you, Stefan,” Colin said. Wow. Out of everything he could have been missing, Stefan didn’t think it was that.
“I love you just the way you are. You didn’t need to do this,” he said, curling a strand of Stefan’s teal hair around his finger. “Or this,” he added, moving his hands to clutch the collar of Stefan’s blazer. “I love you with your jumpers, and your hair, and your terrible taste in music-“
Stefan laughed wetly, through the fresh wave of tears springing from his eyes. It was all he had ever wanted. Someone to love him unconditionally. Without the need to change, or be better. He could be shy, and uncertain, and Colin would still love him. Colin didn’t love him in spite of his imperfections. He loved him because of them.
Colin reached forward to wipe away Stefan’s tears, and this time, he didn’t pull away. Instead, Stefan lifted his own hand, placed it on Colin’s cheek and leaned in. His eyes fluttered closed as he kissed Colin gently. He had imagined this before, so many times that this didn’t feel like the first. It felt natural, like this was always supposed to happen.
”I love you, Colin,” Stefan whispered against his lips, which earned a smile. “I know,” Colin replied. Stefan swatted him lightly on the arm, making Colin laugh in surprise.
”Hey! I thought you liked my self-confidence!” Stefan sighed playfully, with a smirk on his lips. “I do,” he admitted, and he kissed Colin again.