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Inside the tank, Righteous blew a few bubbles, and swam over to hide behind some green plastic fronds. His fins swirled like orange-red silk through the bright blue water.
Cas watched his goldfish for a few moments longer, before straightening up and going over to his desk. He had a paper due in two days’ time and he still had a couple hundred words to write, before editing started. He yawned, stretched, and settled into his chair. The early-morning sunlight breathed over the room in a cool sigh of soft yellow; it illuminated the mess of clothing on the floor, the tangled sheets on one bed, and the curving lump under the covers of the other.
“Mmmmmmmm,” said the lump, in a low, rough voice. Cas turned away from his laptop, a smile on his face.
“Morning, Dean,” he said quietly, getting to his feet and picking up the coffee at the corner of his desk. He placed it carefully on Dean’s bedside table, next to the empty water glass that he’d put there the night before.
The steam and scent of coffee had Dean rolling over slowly, squinting against the light, shirtless, hair mussed and sticking up in all directions. Cas swallowed and backed away, returning to the seat by his desk as Dean took a long gulp of hot coffee, and moaned.
“Ohhhhhh, that’s good,” he said. “How did this get here? Did Gabe stop by?”
“No,” Cas said, aligning the books on his desk so that they lay neatly stacked. “I… woke up early and thought I’d get myself a coffee. And then I thought you might want…”
“You hate mornings,” Dean interrupted absently, pulling his phone out from under his pillow and swiping the screen to unlock it. “What did I miss?”
“… nothing,” Cas said, shrugging it off. “How’s your head?”
“Feels like two elephants are playing volleyball with it,” Dean said, dropping his phone and rubbing his eyes with a scowl.
“Oddly specific,” said Cas, smiling. Dean held up a single finger.
“But accurate,” he said. “Hey, uh… thanks for, you know, helping me to bed last night. Sorry if I was a bit… you know.”
“You were fine, Dean,” Cas reassured him. Dean grimaced in a way that could have been an attempt at a smile, and sat up a little further with a groan. “I hope it was worth it?”
“The party? Hell, yeah,” Dean said. He scrubbed a hand through his hair and took a gulp of coffee. “Mmm. Totally worth it. Great music, free liquor, hot girls… hot guys,” Dean added, a little self-consciously. “You should’ve come along. I got… eight, maybe nine numbers.” He grinned at Cas, who turned quickly back to his desk.
“I have this paper,” he said sharply, only aware that his tone was terse once the words were already out of his mouth. Hopefully Dean was too hungover to notice.
“Sure, sure, Mr Conscientious over there,” Dean said. If there was an edge to his voice that told Cas he hadn’t got away with his strangely abrupt answer, it was thin enough that Cas could pretend he hadn’t noticed it. He looked over towards Righteous the goldfish, who was swimming around near the top of his tank, face as blank as always. A mask of indifference. Teach me your ways, Righteous.
“So, um, actually,” Dean said, “there was this girl at the party last night who asked if she could come over today.”
Cas froze for a moment, his heart thudding in his chest, staring over at Righteous’ tank with his back to Dean. Dean himself was silent, waiting for a reaction.
“You – what did you say?” Cas forced out, after a second or two.
“I said maybe,” Dean replied, and Cas swivelled in his chair, turning around to see Dean fiddling with his bedsheets. “I dunno. What do you think?”
There was a look in his eyes when he flicked them up to meet Cas’, a focus, that had Cas’ mouth drying to sandpaper.
“I… I think…” Cas tried to swallow. “Well. If you liked her, you should say yes.”
Dean raised one shoulder and let it fall, sipping at the last of his coffee now.
“She was OK,” he said. “If – if you think I should, then I might say yes.”
Cas turned back to his desk without another word. There was a tightness in his face that he knew was no decent disguise for the cold ache in his chest. But he’d said the right thing, made the right choice. Hadn’t he? He couldn’t board up the door to their room and never let anyone in.
And yet… the thought of Dean and this mystery date, here in their room… their room, the space that they’d made their own with post-its and drawings and Cas’ scribbled notes that Dean always thought were hilarious, and tacked up on his board… oh, that thought hurt. And it would only hurt more to actually have to try to work when Dean had his date in here… probably sitting on his bed together watching a movie, just like he and Cas usually did, only maybe they’d cuddle, maybe they’d…
“Actually,” Cas said suddenly, “actually, Dean, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to bring your date here.”
“You don’t?” Dean sounded – strange, Cas thought, not at all disappointed. The oddness of that barely had time to register before Dean asked, “Why not?”
“Well – well, because,” Cas said, casting his mind around frantically whilst keeping his face absolutely straight, channel Righteous, Cas, poker face… “Because, Dean, the thing is… it’s – it’s Righteous.”
“Righteous?” Dean looked over at the goldfish, who was swimming his way around the circumference of his tank, little scales twinkling in the light.
“Yes,” Cas said firmly. “The problem is, he doesn’t like it when people come over to the room… strangers, you know. It makes him… very upset.”
“Really?” Dean said, standing up. He was wearing pyjama trousers – Cas should know, he helped Dean put them on last night – but his chest was still bare as he padded over to peer into the fish tank. “How d’you know?”
“How do I know? Well, it’s – just a – just a general sense of malaise. He swims very slowly when people come over,” Cas said, trying to sound casual yet knowledgeable. He ended up somewhere more on the spectrum of fear to panic, he thought, but Dean was nodding thoughtfully.
“That could be bad,” he said. “Yeah. I wouldn’t want him to get upset. I better not invite anyone over, then.”
“As long as you don’t mind,” Cas said. He watched Dean’s profile for a moment, eyes tracing the lines of his face as he wrestled with his conscience, before finally grinding out, “but you could go over to her room, of course.”
Dean stopped looking at Righteous, his eyes meeting Cas’.
“Yeah,” he said, still bent over, his gaze sweeping Cas’ face. “Yeah, I – I guess I could. But…” he bit his lip. “But, hey, if Righteous isn’t well, then I probably shouldn’t leave, right?”
“Well –” Cas began, but Dean pressed on.
“After all, if he’s feeling low, he should be with all his family,” he said. “Otherwise he might start… swimming slowly, and… stuff. Like you said. Wouldn’t want that.”
He looked at Cas, who looked back at him. At the same time, they both smiled, eyes bright.
“Wouldn’t want that,” Cas agreed softly.
“So it’s settled, then,” Dean said, straightening up. “Want to watch a movie later on, instead? I can order us a pizza, it’s my turn.”
Cas turned back to his laptop and pulled up a journal that he needed to reference in his paper, narrowing his eyes at the screen.
“Sounds good,” he said. Dean ruffled his hair as he moved away, picking up his towel and heading for the bathroom.
Cas could still feel the warmth of that brief touch, hours later, when the pizza came.
“Got your favourite,” Dean said, waving the box under his nose. “C’mon, you’ve got plenty of time to proofread tomorrow. Or I can help tonight, after the movie. And I know you’ve been dying to watch The Princess Bride.”
Cas rolled his eyes and sighed.
“OK, fine,” he grumbled. “But I’ve got to get back to work as soon as it’s finished, alright?”
“No distractions,” Dean promised, prising open the box of pizza and setting it down on the low, beat-up old coffee table that he’d dragged to sit next to his bed. Cas unplugged his laptop and brought it over, while Dean pulled open his drawer and grabbed his portable speakers. They’d done this more often than Cas could count, and they hadn’t even reached the end of their first semester as roommates, yet.
Cas kept up the appearance of annoyance at being dragged away from his paper for as long as he could, but it melted like hot cheese when he grabbed his first slice of pepperoni. The first scene of The Princess Bride began, and Cas found himself smiling, for no particular reason. The evening sunlight was pouring sweet as syrup through their blinds, and the view of their room from Dean’s bed was so familiar, now; the whole scene was written into Cas’ soul like a well-thumbed page in a favourite book.
“You OK?” Dean said, sitting up to pause the movie. Cas realised that he’d been staring around the room instead of watching, and they were over ten minutes into the movie. He leaned forwards on the bed, bringing his legs up to cross them neatly and glancing back over his shoulder at Dean.
“I’m fine,” he said. “Everything’s fine.” He paused for a moment, chewing his lip, and then said, “Dean… you know, if you wanted to bring a date over tomorrow, or next week… I think Righteous would be fine with that. He has to get used to it, after all.”
Dean watched him for a moment, swallowing down the last mouthful of pizza. He pulled his legs up onto the bed, too, mirroring Cas’ position, angled slightly towards him.
“I want Righteous to be happy,” he said, finally. “Means more to me than a stupid date. I’m glad it’s just us… just us three, here tonight.”
“Dean, you… you know,” Cas’ hand rested on his knee, picking at a loose thread, “actually – Righteous never –”
“Hey,” Dean interrupted, reaching over and taking Cas’ hand, a move so sudden and unexpected that Cas almost fell off the bed. “Righteous is very important to me, okay?”
They both looked over at the fish in the illuminated tank in the corner. He was swimming by his fronds, ignoring both of them.
“He is?” Cas said cautiously. “He’s… he’s very important to me, too.”
“You remember when we bought him?” Dean said, smiling reminiscently. “You said you wanted a pet –”
“And you said no fur –”
“And you said no reptiles –”
“So it had to be a fish,” they both said together. Cas’ hand was still resting inside Dean’s. He hoped he wasn’t holding it too tight. Or sweating. What if there were pizza crumbs on his fingers?
“Probably for the best,” Dean said. “A cat would have probably got us in trouble. I know, I know,” he said, grinning, “’Like that would stop you’, right?”
He was close, now; he’d shuffled further down the bed, somehow, without Cas noticing. Cas leant in a fraction as he smiled and nodded, one eyebrow raised.
“That’s right,” he said.
“Is there anything you’re actually scared to do, Cas?” Dean said. He had his face tilted up, eyes bright, lips slightly apart. He was so close – Cas felt the moment surge up like a wave, and he could hold back, or he could let the madness roll over him…
“This,” he said simply, and leaned forwards, and pressed a kiss to Dean’s lips.
It was swift and hesitant and clumsy, just a brush of his dry lips against the corner of Dean’s, no more. He pulled back quickly, heart hammering in his chest, eyes flickering over Dean’s face and seeing only shock, no happiness, no pleasure.
“Dean…” Cas said, a vicious swoop in his stomach, “Dean, I’m sorry – I won’t ever do it again – can we just forget it ever…”
“Cas,” Dean said, stilling the unfolding of Cas’ limbs; he’d been making to get off the bed, to run. “You – you – you like me?”
Cas felt his lips trembling and pressed them closed; unable to speak, he simply nodded, staring down at his knees.
“Cas – Cas, look at me,” Dean said. He’d let go of Cas’ hand after the kiss, but now he took it back, he shuffled closer. “Cas – you idiot, look at me.”
“Everything’s ruined now,” Cas said, trying frantically to keep his voice steady. “Oh, God, I should never have…”
“Cas,” Dean said, putting a single finger under Cas’ chin and lightly pulling his face around. Cas sucked in a breath; Dean’s eyes were shining, he looked… he looked happy, no, overjoyed, he looked as though all his dreams had just come true…
“Don’t cry,” Cas whispered. “You’ll upset Righteous.”
Dean let out a soft, nervous laugh, letting his head fall down to rest on Cas’ shoulder for a brief moment before lifting it back up, and meeting Cas’ eyes.
“Cas… I’ve liked you ever since I first saw you,” he murmured. “But I never said anything, and then it was too late to say anything, because I didn’t want to freak you out and ruin our friendship…”
“But I’m just…” Cas rearranged himself on the bed, twisting round so that he and Dean were opposite each other, legs folded between them, knees brushing. “Dean, I’m just… me…”
Dean put the palm of his hand up to Cas’ cheek, curled his fingers into Cas’ hair.
“You’re the only one I want,” he said.
“But – but you were going to – last night, you said that you met…”
“I was, uh. I was trying to make you jealous,” Dean said shamefacedly. “I thought if you told me I should date other people, that’d mean you didn’t want to date me. But then you said I shouldn’t, and I thought… maybe…” he stroked his thumb over Cas’ cheek. “I don’t want anyone else, Cas. I couldn’t. Since I met you, I can’t get you out of my head. You’re the one.”
Cas let out a sigh and finally, finally allowed himself to lean into Dean’s touch.
“You know,” Cas said, sliding his fingers up to rest over the back of Dean’s hand, turning his head and pressing his lips softly to the inside of Dean’s wrist. He heard Dean’s muted intake of breath, and smiled. “You know, I think that kiss I gave you needs returning.”
Dean grinned, leaning in and bumping his nose against Cas’.
“I always pay my debts,” he said, and kissed the side of Cas’ lips, lightly enough to make Cas shiver. When he opened his eyes, Dean was watching him, his gaze warm and bright.
“You accrued some interest,” Cas murmured.
“Oh, I did?” Dean said, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes. One kiss will not suffice.”
“How many do you need?” Dean asked, squeezing the hand that was holding Cas’ tightly, smiling so widely that Cas thought his heart might burst.
“How many do you have?”
“More than a million,” Dean replied, and Cas sighed.
“That’s a lot,” he murmured, their lips so near that they brushed as he spoke.
“I’ve been saving,” Dean said softly. He closed the distance between them.
In the corner of the room, Righteous swam to the far end of the tank, and nestled happily amongst the waving green fronds.