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Sunggyu is 17 when he meets Woohyun.
They don't get along.
Sunggyu is quiet, calm, he lives slowly but to the fullest. He likes to see things, he likes to think.
Woohyun is noisy, annoying, reckless and a bit pretentious. He tries too hard, he lives too fast and doesn't think about the consequences.
Sunggyu likes indie rock and playing the piano, Woohyun likes mainstream pop and playing football.
Their personalities clash so much, yet they couldn't seem to be able to live without the other.
“Where is Woohyun?” a friend asks Sunggyu one morning, leaning backwards so he's resting his elbow on the table.
Sunggyu looks up from his philosophy book.
“Why would I know?” he retorts. I don't even like him.
His classmate snorts, the air removing a few strands of hair off his forehead.
“Because you guys are best friends.”
Sunggyu doesn't reply.
Late at night, the rumor of the sheets and the strong wind making the window blind rumble, Sunggyu gets up, leaning on his side so he's looking at the boy in front of him.
“What are we?” he dares to ask, half unconsciously hoping Woohyun isn't fully asleep, but he is.
He squints his eyes to look at him better, the dark silhouette faintly illuminated by the dim moonlight coming through the blind. Woohyun is beautiful, so Sunggyu wonders how can he manage to look even more beautiful with that stupid light on his face. It irks him, really, but the way Woohyun wrinkles his nose as if he was focusing on something makes him breathe out.
Woohyun is still a kid inside. Sunggyu thinks this might be an issue in the future. He likes craving for attention too much, he likes having all eyes on him, he's afraid of being left alone.
“You're so stupid.” Sunggyu murmurs, and he's not sure if that's meant for Woohyun or for himself.
Woohyun is the type to move a lot at nights, while Sunggyu tends to stay still. So he's not surprised when he opens his eyes and finds Woohyun's body on top of him, head resting on the left part of his chest and right arm over his stomach.
“Move.” he orders, raspy voice and eyes still not fully opened.
Woohyun doesn't, so Sunggyu pushes him, which ends up in them both falling onto the ground.
His butt collides harshly against the cold surface and he's about to complain when he looks up and meets Woohyun's confused gaze and smiles.
“Move your ass, pretty boy.” he says, the smile never leaving his lips. “We have school.”
Sunggyu likes to pretend, he likes making people believe he's confident enough to achieve his dreams, confident enough to love himself despite his flaws.
Woohyun knows this, and Sunggyu is aware of that.
He knows Sunggyu hates the way his thighs are too thick around the upper part, hates the way his stomach isn't flat and his arms are a bit chubby. He knows Sunggyu hates the way words come out of his mouth before he can even think about what he's going to say. He knows Sunggyu hates not being good enough.
Surprisingly though, Woohyun carries the hugest façade out of them both.
Sunggyu thinks he's very simple. Or at least now, when he's gotten so used to read Woohyun's emotions and gestures that he can guess how they boy is feeling just by looking at him for a few seconds.
“Hyung.”
Sunggyu looks at him, and Woohyun bites his lips, suppressing the smile appearing on his lips.
“I bought this. For us.”
There is something bright blue and orange on Woohyun's hands and he cocks an eyebrow.
“What's that?”
“It's a bracelet.”
“A phosphorescent one?”
“Yes.” Woohyun nods, and Sunggyu really thinks he's a little kid. “Here, put them on.”
Sunggyu opens his mouth but closes it right after. He just grabs the bracelets and slides them on his wrist. Woohyun's bracelets are purple and blue. They don't even match with Sunggyu's, but once again, when have they ever matched.
Sunggyu stays at Woohyun's more than he'd like to admit out loud. If he had to put a name to it, it would be 'studying purposes'. Not far from the truth, but still not the truth.
Woohyun's bedroom is quite simple, but full of things which scream Woohyun. From the blue walls, the posters of anime or one little picture of Stevie Wonder on a shelf.
Sunggyu ventures to open the first drawer, and is very much surprised to find it empty. He has expected it to be full of make up and bb creams, but the emptiness leaves him dumbfounded.
“Why is it empty?” he asks, one day, pointing to the drawer.
Woohyun shrugs.
“I didn't find anything worth keeping there yet.”
When they are 20, Woohyun decides to bleach his hair, and Sunggyu decides he's deeply and hopelessly in love with him.
Woohyun doesn't know.
“Let's go out tonight.”
Sunggyu doesn't like going out late at nights, even less when it's on weekdays, but it's Woohyun, so he agrees.
He watches the boy walking ahead him, his back going up and down with every little jump he makes on his way forwards. There are different types of sadness, Sunggyu thinks Woohyun carries little bits of each sadness inside of him.
Woohyun keeps carrying on, Sunggyu keeps breaking. That's how they work, how they have worked since the start.
The night is beautiful, full of stars and a bright huge moon. They keep walking, until they're on the area of the Han River, and Woohyun sits on a bench to get a better view of the river.
Sunggyu sits next to him and thinks it's stupid how his heart can't seem to calm down.
Woohyun's hair is almost white at this point, but the roots are getting dark and he seriously needs to dye it again before it gets too unpleasant to look at. Woohyun presses his lips together and Sunggyu wants to kiss him, but he's not allowed to so he just stays still.
“Does it ever worry you? Drives you crazy?”
Yes, you do.
“What?”
“Just...how fast everything changes, moves. How fast we all change.”
Sunggyu nods.
“It's quite normal to worry about these things.” he answers, shrugging. “We're all just humans. Humans like to dwell on those matters. Like to ponder about stuff and think they're so intelligent and well-informed to write a document about how others can feel. It's okay to worry about the ephemeralness of our existence. What makes us unique is the way we see it.” he takes a deep breath and dares to look at Woohyun in the eyes. “For you, for example, this moment might mean nothing. We're just hanging out. But for someone else, this moment might be the happiest moment of their life. Or the saddest.”
“This moment isn't meaningless to me.” Woohyun answers, and his eyes are sparkling under the moonlight.
Sunggyu suddenly feels very self-concious. He looks at Woohyun, and sees the way his v-neck shirt shows his collarbones; notices the way his fingers are writhing and his chest is rising and falling with each breath; his lower lip is thick and has bites marks around the edges, probably as a result of nerves; he notices the unspoken sadness inside Woohyun, the hollowness he carries and how he tries to mask it with sweet nothings; he notices his own heartbeating going crazy while looking at him.
Woohyun kisses him that night. It's soft, sloppy and thoughtful, more as in Woohyun was trying to say 'you're not alone, I'm here with you'. Sunggyu wants to say something, he wants to tell everything about the way he's feeling to Woohyun. But what do you say when feelings don't fit into words? So Sunggyu just kisses him back, meaning 'I need you' and hoping Woohyun understands 'I love you'.
The first time Woohyun fucks him, they're both 22. They had gone out but none of them had drunk. On their way home, under the intermittent street lamps' lights, Sunggyu feels the sudden urge to kiss Woohyun. His hair is black again, all messy and disheveled, and even though the lightning is ugly, Woohyun isn't.
So he gathers the courage, takes a step forward, and kisses him.
“D-Do you want to come inside?” Woohyun asks, out of breath and almost unable to utter a word after breaking the kiss.
They have slept together plenty of times, for almost six years already. They never went further than Woohyun resting his head on his shoulder when he unconsciously moved while sleeping.
He looks at Woohyun. It feels as if he has stardust running through his veins, beauty laced into his skin, and something (desire?) resting in his eyes. He looks so beautiful, Sunggyu almost chokes on his next words.
“Yes.” a deep breath. “Yes.”
It is messy, arrhythmic, full of stolen kisses and forbidden touches. The way Woohyun thrusts into him is maddening, almost suffocating, and can't help dig his nails into his back, meaning 'you're mine, even if it's just for tonight.'
While Sunggyu rides him, he can feel his own heart racing, and when his hand lands on Woohyun's chest, he notices the boy's heart racing too. As much of a wishful thinking as it might sound, Sunggyu likes to think Woohyun's heart is beating for him.
It's not a one-time thing, they repeat several times after.
Sunggyu is 24 when Woohyun announces he's got a girlfriend and 26 when he receives a letter saying his so called best friend is getting married.
It seems that, over time, Woohyun kept carrying on while Sunggyu kept breaking.
There is a number of strings inside a person, with each deception, or breakdown, a string breaks. It's not a small number, if so an exorbitant number of people would die inside each day.
Sunggyu thinks he and Woohyun have walked on a fragile line since day one, but never thought he'd live to see it break. Nevertheless, he knows the line is broken the day the last string inside of him breaks.
That day, right after Woohyun's wedding, he leaves.
The worst part about anything that’s self destructive is that it’s so intimate you become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.
That's how Sunggyu feels.
Leaving Woohyun meant freeing his heart but chaining his soul.
If Sunggyu has learnt anything on his 26 years of life is that even the most intoxicating people can show you the greatest lessons. And if there is something he has understood is that he still chooses Woohyun. In a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, he'd look for him and choose him, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much he bled.
After two years, Sunggyu is still not sure if moving to Paris was the best decision. His daily routine was very monotonous: taking a shower, washing off the day, drinking a glass of water and making the room dark so he can lie down and close his eyes, trying to notice the silence. But, instead, he notices his heart beating, still beating for someone else. Someone else whose smile would drive him insane or whose obnoxious personality would irk him to the point he just wanted to strangle the boy and tell him to grow the fuck up. Someone who would cheer him up when he was particularly down, someone in whom he trusts more than anyone. Someone who doesn't love Sunggyu the same way he loves him.
When you are young, you just run away from your problems, for whatever is depriving you from sleep, but eventually you come back, come back to what you need. Come back home.
Sunggyu is 28 when he returns to Seoul.
He has always been the half-empty glass. Half-empty with himself, half-full with Woohyun.
He's afraid of seeing Woohyun again.
Does he hate him?
Does he not want to see him again?
He probably does, after all, he left.
Woohyun is scared of being left alone.
He thinks, maybe Woohyun has a family now. Two kids and his pretty wife. He has always been very dad-like when it came to kids.
What he isn't expecting to find is that Woohyun lives in the same apartment they used to share back when they were in college, around 18. (He had to ask one of his friends, though, since he found empty the house where he was supposed to live with his wife).
Woohyun lives alone.
Sunggyu is both, surprised and concerned at the same time. How did he managed to survive alone. Or maybe he didn't at all.
The look in Woohyun's eyes is priceless, really.
Sunggyu thinks he's going to cry, but instead he tries to slam the door in his face. Sunggyu doesn't let him.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, and his voice sounds different. Different from the Woohyun he once knew.
Sunggyu is confused, lost while looking at him. What was that changed so much in him.
He looked even more attractive (how was that even possible?) and his face was sharper, manlier, less baby-like.
“I came to see you.” Sunggyu replies, and he's determined on getting Woohyun back. He thought by now he probably has gotten over his stupid crush on him, but the way his heart skips a beat tells him otherwise.
Woohyun snorts.
“Leave.” he says. Sunggyu shakes his head no. “You already left once, why not leaving again.”
The look in Woohyun's eyes was full of pure deception, pain; Sunggyu thinks he already knows what has changed inside him. The kid inside of him is long gone.
“I left because was being selfish and self-centered. And I came back because I'm still selfish and self-centered.”
Woohyun opens his mouth, but instead just breathes out and sits down on the sofa.
“I just-” he starts, and the way his voice shakes indicates he's about to break down. Sunggyu wants to stop him, but doesn't know how. “I just can't even bring myself to ask you any questions, you know? Not about why you left me here all alone. Why you left me? Why did you do that to me?” Sunggyu doesn't reply, he knows it's a rhetorical question. “Really, what's even so important about that now. I just need you by my side...are you really back? For good?”
Sunggyu nods.
He has seen Woohyun crying plenty of times before, but still sits next to him and embraces the boy in his arms, wrapping them tightly around his back and Woohyun is hiding his head on the crook of his neck, sobbing his heart out.
“Did you-” Sunggyu breathes in. “Did you get divorced?"
He can feel Woohyun nodding.
“Oh.”
“I'm still s disappointed with myself about that. But what else could I do? If I realized I didn't love her.”
“You loved her.”
“Not as much as I loved you.”
Sunggyu wonders about what gods have smiled on him to have Woohyun murmuring those words.
“But then I realized you probably didn't love me back the same way I did and-”
Sunggyu snorts, and pushes Woohyun away so he can look at him in the eye.
“Do you know when they say you can't love someone unless you love yourself first. Well, that's bullshit. I have never loved myself, but you, god, i loved- i love you so much I even forgot what hating myself was like.”
Woohyun's room hasn't changed that much. The same walls, the same posters, the same books. Just like he did many years ago, Sunggyu opens the first drawer. It's not empty, not this time.
There are two bracelets, one purple and one blue, and there is a picture of them both next to them. Sunggyu is not the type to cry, the type to show any weakness, even less in front of anyone. What if they judge me, what if they think I'm weak, I'm not weak.
That day, Sunggyu lets his armor down and cries in front of Woohyun.
In a world where stars are born and die every day, where the flow of the universe ends where everything begins and each and every one of the things, in the end, are formed by stardust, Sunggyu met Woohyun.
They don't get along, but Woohyun encourages Sunggyu; Sunggyu softens Woohyun's sharp edges.
It's needless to say it was fate their paths would cross and finally merge, just like a supernova (or, rather said, fall in love, like two reckless teenagers who are still trying to find a place in this nonsensical world).