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“Che Yun-che,” Sangwoo said, breaking the silence. He was in the computer room, waiting for Jaeyoung to arrive. Just like always. Just like the last two weeks had never happened. It was surreal, but it was also familiar, and that was comforting.
“Choo Sang-choo,” she acknowledged, not looking up from her laptop.
“Can you help me?”
“Again? You really want my advice again?”
She was right. Last time he had taken her advice, it had not gone well. Sangwoo shivered, thinking about the rage on Jaeyoung’s face when he had seen the mark on Sangwoo’s neck.
“Right. But this time I don’t want advice. I just want to know why Jaeyoung was mad. I don’t know anyone else who also knows him.” And if what she said sounded stupid, he could always disregard it. Like he should have the last time.
“Why don’t you ask him, then?”
“I did, but he won’t tell me.”
“Then I probably shouldn’t either. Do you know how much trouble I got in with him? For telling you to go to that bar?”
“Well, it was a terrible idea.”
“Thanks.”
“But it did work exactly as you said. He did call. And I don’t want to keep making him mad.”
Yuna sighed and closed her laptop. “Mad about what?”
“I don’t know.”
She rolled her eyes. “Right, sorry. Can you tell me what led up to him getting mad? Are we talking about two nights ago, because I’m pretty sure I know why he was angry then.”
“Not just then. Before that, he stopped talking to me.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“Because I made him mad.”
“Wait,” Yuna said, narrowing her eyes. “You told me he was bored of you, that he gradually put you off and stopped wanting to hang out with you.”
“No,” Sangwoo shook his head. “You said those things, but they were mostly inaccurate. The only accurate part was that he stopped talking to me. But it was all at once, after we went to see the sound designers for the game.”
“You little-” she stopped mid-sentence and took deep breaths.
Sangwoo waited, arms crossed. Was she getting mad too? Why did this keep happening?
“Ok,” Yuna said after a few moments. “So what happened with the sound designers?”
“Well he was fine there, it was in the car afterward that he got mad.”
“Ok,” Yuna said, rolling her eyes again. “Then what happened in the car?”
“I asked him why he’s having sex with me.”
“You mean, dating you.”
“No absolutely not. We’re just using each other for sex.”
Yuna’s eyebrows flew up. “He told you that?”
Sangwoo thought hard for a moment, wanting to be precise this time. “I think it was a mutually decided upon agreement. He wanted to date. I said that dating is a pointless endeavor, especially between two men who can never marry and procreate. And he suggested that we use each other for the relief of our sexual desires. And I said that sounded logical.”
“…Right…” Yuna looked unconvinced. “So what did he say to your question?”
“He said there were a hundred reasons. One was that I was beautiful,” Sangwoo felt his face get hot, but he soldiered on. Detail was important here, he felt, or else Yuna wouldn’t be able to help him. “Well, he said different parts of me were beautiful. Then he said there was one big reason, but that I would run away if I heard it.”
“And that’s why he was mad?”
“No, he seemed ok at that point. But then he asked me the same question. No-” Sangwoo closed his eyes, trying to recall the exact phrasing. He was pretty sure this was the important part. “He answered the question himself, he said ‘just to satisfy your sexual desire, right?”
“And you said…”
“I agreed, of course. And then he was mad, which doesn’t make any sense because we both already knew that.”
Yuna was silent, but Sangwoo didn’t notice, because he was still trying to remember.
“Wait - he was angry before that. When I talked about the milk.”
“The milk?” Yuna’s voice went strange.
But Sangwoo was caught up in the memory. He had been proud of that analogy, so he remembered it clearly. Analogies were difficult for him.
“Yes. I told him I was worried that he would find someone better when he left, that I needed to prepare so I would still be able to relieve my sexual desires. And he asked me some strange question, like ‘What should you ask me for, then?’ Which was nonsense, of course, it’s me who needs to prepare. Which I told him.”
“And the milk?”
“He asked how I would prepare, and I said - well just like you buy new milk before the milk that you like runs out or goes bad.”
“You told him you would replace him like rotten milk.”
“It’s a good analogy. I like things to stay the same. I’ve gotten used to Jaeyoung. To… how he helps me with sex. When he leaves I need to have someone else ready or else my focus will suffer again.”
Yuna’s face had gone blank. Like Jaeyoung’s in the car that night. Sangwoo waved a hand in front of her to get her attention. “So, do you know why he was mad at me?”
“I’m… pretty sure… So he stopped talking to you, after that?”
“He drove me home and then didn’t come here or respond to my messages. And then I found you and you helped me. And even though that night made him even angrier, at least he’s talking to me now so really you did help.” Though he never wanted to see that terrifying mask of rage on Jaeyoung’s face again.
“Can you tell me what happened two nights ago?” Yuna seemed to be struggling to speak in a normal tone. Was she laughing at him? But there was no trace of a smile on her face.
“I just did what you said.”
“And then he found you at the bar? I know for a fact he was out searching for you for hours. Because he kept calling me to scream at me.”
“My phone died.”
“And where did he eventually find you? What were you doing all night?”
“Drinking. And…”
“And?” He might not know why it made Jaeyoung angry, exactly, but in the case of two nights ago, Sangwoo knew exactly what had made Jaeyoung angry. Jaeyoung had made that more than clear. Would Yuna be angry too? But who cared about Yuna’s opinion of him - he just needed to understand.
“And I tried to find a replacement.”
Yes, Yuna was also angry. She stood up suddenly, fists clenched. Sangwoo, used to getting threatened by people he had accidentally enraged, read the signs and quickly pushed his chair back across the room with his feet.
“Did you.”
It wasn’t phrased as a question, so Sangwoo didn’t answer it. “So can you tell me why he was angry?”
“Oh, I could. But I won’t.”
Sangwoo’s brow furrowed. “You won’t tell me?”
Yuna grabbed her coat and pulled the door open. Without turning back she said, “If you can’t figure it out yourself, you don’t deserve him.”
Which only left Sangwoo more confused than ever.
Jaeyoung
Jaeyoung was smoking when Yuna burst out of the stairwell door.
She stomped over to him, pulled the cigarette out of his mouth, and threw it on the ground.
“What the fuck?”
“You love him?”
“What?”
“Tell me, do you love that piece of shit or not?”
What the fuck had she been talking about with Sangwoo? Though he was glad that it seemed for once Yuna wasn’t mad at him, he still felt his temper spike.
“He’s not a piece of shit.”
“I heard what he did to you. Two days ago.”
And whose fault was that? But he wouldn’t say that.
“That little shit asked me why you were mad. After he told me he called you a carton of milk.”
“Please stop talking.” Jaeyoung’s shoulders slumped. As nice as it was for Yuna to not think he was an asshole for once, he really did not need to get mad about this all over again. He was tired of being angry with Sangwoo. He just wanted to go upstairs and cuddle him and not think about two nights ago ever again.
Jaeyoung tried to pull out another cigarette, but Yuna snatched that one too. She held it up in front of him, threatening to snap it.
“I’m not going to stop talking until you tell me how mad I need to be. Do you love him?”
“Fine, ok.”
Jaeyoung debated holding out but-
All at once he deflated with a sigh. He was still so tired, physically and emotionally. His confidence was battered, his ego bruised, his heart raw and ragged.
He was tired of fighting a silent battle that no one - not even Sangwoo - ever saw.
“Fine. I lo- like him.” He wouldn't use that word, not unless he could say it to Sangwoo directly.
“And he's using you for sex.”
“I knew that going into it.”
“And you let me yell at you? And help him make you jealous? Fuck, I want to punch myself almost as much as I want to punch him.”
Jaeyoung sighed. “You have been kind of annoying about it. But I know what you went through last year was coloring your perception.”
“But why didn’t you just tell me?”
“Tell you what? That I like some computer boy who thinks only men and women can date - purely for procreation purposes - and that love doesn’t exist? Yeah, that’s something I want to shout from the rooftops.”
“You gotta get out of this. I never thought I would say this to you - that I would have to say this to someone as arrogant as you-”
“Thanks ever so.”
“But you deserve better.”
“Bit late for that.”
She gave him a flat look, and he took it as the scolding it was. “It’s true. I tried to give him up. You remember that right?”
Yuna looked away, rubbing her hands on her arms. “Sorry.”
He shrugged. “I was about to cave anyway. I was on my way to his place when you sent me the picture.”
This time she full-on winced. “Ugh. Sorry.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad.” Yesterday, he would have been. Maybe even an hour ago. But now that Yuna knew the truth about his feelings for Sangwoo, he found that he much preferred her thinking of him as an asshole.
Only Sangwoo had ever seen him this pathetic before, and Sangwoo never seemed to realize how vulnerable Jaeyoung actually was.
“Well, it’s not working.”
“I’m not torn up about it.”
That made her laugh, if only a little.
“What are you going to do?”
Jaeyoung really did not want to continue this conversation. He hadn’t wanted to start it in the first place. But the way Yuna’s body was angled, he knew he wouldn’t be going upstairs to his beautiful not-boyfriend anytime soon unless he answered her questions.
“If I wait long enough he will eventually realize-”
“No what are you going to do?”
Jaeyoung rubbed a hand over his face and into his hair. “I could push back the study abroad another year. I could find a way to take him with me.”
“When he doesn’t even like you?”
“He needs me. He just doesn’t know it yet. He’s close, Yuna.”
“You know who you sound like?”
“You-”
“Exactly. Me. Do you remember what you told me back then? 'Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want it'.”
“He doesn't know what he wants.”
Why not try asking for what you want? His own words to Sangwoo rang in his head. Don’t you have something you want to ask me for? He'd been so sure that they were making progress.
“He wants anyone who can fuck him like-”
“Don’t.” Jaeyoung couldn’t bear it. Yuna had a foul mouth but still.
“I heard what he said to you.” Her mouth twisted, but her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “Don't pull that look with me - it might work with him but I know you better.”
Without thinking he'd put on the mask he used whenever Sangwoo broke his heart
“He just doesn't know what he wants,” he repeated. “You didn't see his face at the sound studio. He was jealous, Yuna.” He hated the whine in his voice. He hated the way Yuna’s lips wrinkled in disgust.
“I never thought I'd see you so pathetic. Jaeyoung, You might be an asshole, but no one deserves this.”
Jaeyoung thrust his head forward, intending to serve up some snarky reply, but Yuna talked over him.
“Don't you dare postpone your study abroad until and unless he confesses. None of this jealousy shit.”
“Or else?”
“Or else I'm going to tell him what you won’t.”
“No. Yuna, no, he'll freak out. You didn't see his face when-”
“Oh, I've seen his face when he talks about how love is fake and dating is stupid. Why do you think I'm here drawing this line with you? I know we don't interfere in each other's shit, but I already fucked it up. I thought you were the prick and he was the pathetic puppy. Looks like I got it backward so now I gotta fix it.”
“You can’t,” he said, shoulders still slumped, so tired. He just wanted to go upstairs and curl around Sangwoo and bury his face in that lovely neck. But Yuna was right:
After two seconds, Sangwoo would ask him what he was doing. After four, he would be unceremoniously pushed away.
“I can't break the hold he has on you. But I can stop him from ruining your life. You did it once for me.”
“And you hated me for it.”
Yuna rolled her eyes. “I forgave you eventually. Because you were right. Just like I’m right.”
Jaeyoung tilted his head back against the wall and stared up at the sky. Not that he could see any stars with the street lights glaring over them.
When he finally looked back down it was to see why Yuna had been quiet for so long.
She was staring at him still, but not like she was going to lecture again. More like he was some odd new species whose erratic behavior was incomprehensible to humans.
Jaeyoung didn’t blame her. He knew he had changed. More in these last few months of knowing Sangwoo than in his entire adult life. It was kind of nice to know that Yuna wasn’t happy to see him brought so low. Six months ago he wouldn’t have bet any amount of money on it.
All of a sudden her face crumpled. She rushed at him, and he braced himself for a punch.
Instead, she hugged him.
Ok. This was… weird. He could count on one hand the number of times Yuna had touched him affectionately. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who had changed recently.
“Again: what the fuck, Yuna.”
“Sorry.”
Jaeyoung patted her back, but his gaze drifted, all unwilling, to the lit window floors above them, where the boy he loved was waiting.