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Kaiden’s… nervous. He was nervous earlier too, standing in the docking bay, waiting for Shepard to come by so he could ask to come… Well, come home. But that seemed easier in a way, couched in protocol and routine and a semi-assurance that he wouldn't get turned away. He is, after all, the second human Spectre, and whatever their personal history, Shepard’s too much of a pragmatist to turn down useful help.
But this moment is scarier. He’s less sure here, less sure of his footing and way less sure of his reception. He had seen Shepard’s face, both on Horizon and after, had seen her face on Mars, in the hospital, during Udina's attempted coup, and could read a bit of how little she was holding a grudge. But Joker…
The last time he’d seen Joker was at Shepard’s trial. The time before that had been at Shepard’s funeral.
They’d talked a bit between those times, some messages back and forth. But it hadn’t been anything serious. He’d found out that Joker had all but gone AWOL through rumors passed through the mill.
And he’s not stupid enough to think that when he had been too cruel, too callous to Shepard on Horizon that Joker wouldn’t have found out about it. Hell, if they were keeping up the tradition from the original Normandy (and he had to stop himself from calling it the ‘real Normandy’) it was possible Joker had been listening in the whole time.
And for all that Shepard could package away her feelings behind the persona the military had granted her, Joker very much could not.
Joker would have taken it personally, more so than even Shepard. He was probably holding a grudge two-fold, having assigned himself the keeper of Shepard’s softer parts a long time ago.
So yeah, after packing his footlocker and finalizing his transfer paperwork, Kaiden was nervous. He had no idea what the reception would be like for him on board. He had no real hopes for a rekindling. Mostly he just hoped it all hadn’t been lost for good.
After all, he and Joker had been friends for years, longer than he’d even known of Shepard, let alone served under her. It had been a damn near blessing when he found out he’d been posted on the Normandy - considering he knew damn well Joker was piloting, that posting had been a pretty big story. Sitting in the copilot chair on their first take-off, watching his friend work, it had been an experience he wouldn’t have given up in a million years. Theirs had been a friendship he wouldn’t have traded for anything.
Well. Anything other than what it had become, anyway.
He hadn’t given himself leave to think much on how their relationship had changed as they got closer and closer to catching up to Saren. After Shepard died, he and Joker had found it a bit too painful to be near each other without her.
Theirs was a friendship that had been strong and true. But their romantic relationship was forged in something more solid, more unwavering: her.
And without her… well, without her it hadn’t felt quite right.
But she’s back now, and on his side again, and he’s about to step foot again on what is ostensibly the Normandy where his ex-girlfriend and ex-boyfriend are waiting.
So yeah. He’s nervous.
And it’s odd; he wasn’t nervous when he was on the Normandy for a bit while leaving Earth, he wasn’t nervous when he was made Spectre, he wasn’t even nervous when he was standing next to Udina and forced to shoot him. But this? The prospect of seeing Joker face-to-face again after everything? The concept of being on the same boat for a prolonged period of time as the two people who, when questioned, he would have to admit he loved more than anyone else in the galaxy?
Yeah. Yeah.
But he’s Kaiden Alenko. Second Human Spectre. He can face the man he let down and take whatever he’s handed.
Joker wasn't in the pilot's seat when Kaiden walked on board with his footlocker. They weren't leaving for another few hours yet, so logically Kaiden supposed he should have realized he wouldn't have been there, but it was still a bit weird. He had been psyching himself up for it, and to see the chair vacant entirely was a jarring experience.
He saw a bit of the Normandy back when they were leaving Earth, but most of that time was spent in the loading dock, and while he had seen the CIC a bit when he first got on, he'd skipped most of the floor altogether. Walking in with his stuff now, maneuvering past the various saluting alliance soldiers, was something of a novel experience. It was liminal in a way; he had spent so much time in the old Normandy, and seeing this newer version - so similar yet so different - made him feel antsy.
The elevator still struck him as one of the oddest things, but he dragged his hand across the inner wall fondly once he got inside. He couldn't help but consider it through the perspective of how it must have helped Joker, the two of them had had plenty of conversations about the accessibility of a mandatory flight of stairs between the cockpit and the crews quarters even before they had started dating. He'd never forgive Cerberus for everything they'd done, but he was trying to allow for multiple perspectives at once to live within him, and he could hate Cerberus and thank them for the elevator with barely any cognitive dissonance now.
The crew quarters were in the same place, thank god, so he didn't have to ask anyone for directions. A handful of bunks were taken, the night rotation crew fast asleep, and Kaiden was able to eye an untaken cot in the back corner where he could set down his footlocker. He felt at home in that room, more so than he had since his last posting, at least until the next private walked in and saluted him on instinct.
The last promotion hadn't been a surprise, and it'd been a little bit now since it had happened, but there was something about being back under Shepard's roof that made him feel weird being as highly ranked as he was.
He acknowledged the salute and slipped out of the room, trying to find somewhere he could be alone. It didn't take him long, and from the moment he walked into the Starboard Observation Deck he knew it was the perfect place to be alone with nothing but his thoughts and the stars. Or well, right now it was his thoughts and the arms of the citadel from the viewpoint of the docking bay, but it'll be the stars eventually.
The door slid open almost immediately as he had just gotten himself comfortable looking out the window.
It was her. He could tell partly because of the tread of her feet, heavy and firm yet lithe, and partly because he didn't think he'd ever be able to exist without recognizing her presence around him.
"Settling in?"
He didn't turn around. "It's big."
She snorted. "Yeah; big place." She walked up to stand next to him. "You talking about the ship or all that?" She gestured outwards toward the window. Kaiden just shrugged, pretty sure they both applied.
Shepard turned and rested her back against the window, looking for all intents and purposes at ease, but there was tension lined up and down her body in a way that made him want to reach out and touch until it all soothed away. He wasn't sure that was possible anyway.
"So." She started, eyeing him. "I've never been good at the subtle pleasantries stuff."
Kaiden grinned, remembering.
"So, I'm just gonna skip it and get right to the important shit." She took a breath. "Joker's mad at you." Kaiden felt his breath stop for a second and he nodded slowly. "I told him to get over it and he told me to fuck off, but its not the kind of mad that lasts. Hell," she waved a hand in a sweeping gesture "I'm willing to bet it's not the kind of mad that'll last past seeing you again."
"You think?"
She grinned at him and it was like something clicked into place in his chest. "We're wheels up in 10, go sit in the copilot seat, it'll be fine."
Kaiden shifted so he was fully facing her. "You know, I never understood that expression, 'wheels up'. Ships don't have wheels."
Her grin widened. "Oh man, Joker never gave you his history lesson of all things flight? That's your in, man. And it will give someone else for him to talk to about it. There's only so many times I can listen to the same information, you know? It'll be good to have you back"
Kaiden had explicit memories of saying the same stuff to her multiple times way back when, and she had never even flinched, so he could see right through her to the comfort she was providing. He wondered if she knew how much those words meant to him.
She straightened in a clear start to heading out, but froze before she actually moved anywhere. Licking her lips, there was a moment of clear hesitation before she spoke again.
"I mean it, you know. We've been through a lot, but it is good to have you back. And, uh," she took a deep breath, rolling her right shoulder a couple times, "I know we'd have to talk through a bunch, but," her jaw snapped shut and Kaiden smiled wide, realizing what she was trying her damnedest to get out. She never had been good at talking about her own feelings. She opened her mouth again, but her thoughts were practically telegraphed across her face and it was clear she had rethought what she was about to say.
Kaiden saved her, "Yeah, Shep, I'd like that."
Her face loosened and she smiled softly at him. "Good. And hey, you think this is big, you should see my quarters. It's practically wasteful."
"Are you inviting me into your quarters, ma'am?"
Shepard winked at him, grin cocky. "What do you think?" Her face softened again and she reached out to clasp his upper arm. "Talk to Joker. And then, when you guys get it all worked out, I'll see you both upstairs."
"You really think it'll be as easy as that?"
She shrugged. "We forgave each other, didn't we?"
"Yeah," He chuckled, "Yeah we did."
She slid her hand up from his arm, over his shoulder, and rested it against his neck. Tapping the tip of her finger there twice, she smiled again and turned her face away from him. “EDI? Bring your mobile unit down to the shooting gallery in the loading deck for some target practice, please.”
“Understood, Commander.” Came the disembodied voice from the speakers.
Shepard winked at him again, “Copilot seat’s open.” and with a lingering graze of her fingers on his neck, she left the observation deck.
He turned back to the window and pressed his head against the glass just in time to feel the vibrations as the Normandy engines fired up. He gave himself another few minutes, watching the docking bay grow smaller and smaller as the Normandy headed outside the arms of the citadel, before he sighed and started heading towards the cockpit.
The journey was quick; he refused to let himself linger any more than he had. Once more into the breach and all that, but he hadn't felt this nervous since he had cornered Shepard in the comms room of the SR1 and asked her if she really had feelings for him.
He was muttering something from his spot in front of the flight controls, and Kaiden couldn’t help but grin at it. He muttered to himself while flying even before there was an AI to answer back, and it was nice to see something stay the same.
He slid down into the copilot seat without a word, and eyed Joker as he tensed without looking over.
“Where are we headed?”
“Intai'sei. Shepard got intel there’s a kakliosaur fossil on planet.” Joker still wasn’t looking over.
Kaiden snorted quickly. “What the hell’s a kakliosaur?”
There was a twitch in Joker’s lips that filled Kaiden with hope. “Beats me, but apparently it’s of the utmost importance for some sort of thing Shepard’s got going on.”
With a shake of his head, Kaiden let himself sink back into the type of conversation they had always had before. “That woman’s always picking up more things to do.”
Joker just shrugged, looking over at Kaiden for the first time. “Sure, she likes to keep herself busy, but hey, that’s worked out pretty well for us so far, right?”
Kaiden pressed his lips together, trying to keep his smile from growing too much, and nodded with a feigned seriousness. A moment passed in silence before Kaiden broke, the mirth dripping away. “Joker, man. I-”
Joker cut him off. “Don’t even worry about it.”
With a furrow in his brow he questioned it further. “No?”
“Nah.” Joker responded simply, shrugging. “It was rough, hearing what you said to her on Horizon, and it was rougher talking her through it that night. But…” He reached up and adjusted his cap. “She’s not doing great. This war has been a lot for her, and even me staying with her every night isn’t enough to keep her nightmares away. But, the three of us were-” another adjustment, “we were good. And, you know, I think we can be good again. So yeah. No worries.”
“Good.” He said, grinning and settling further into the copilot seat. “Good.” he repeated, quieter to himself. And suddenly, the differences in the ship didn’t matter anymore. He was home.