Chapter Text
Gareth must be joking. Eddie scoffs as he reads the Reddit ad in the band’s group chat.
Looking for a mean and scary guy to be my concert boyfriend. I swear this isn’t fake!!
He rolls his eyes and types some response before throwing his phone on the bed. He really needs to book them some more gigs if this is what it’s come too.
Eddie sighs and closes his eyes. Working days and playing most nights isn’t the most practical thing, but he has to pay the bills somehow.
Living the rockstar life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Honestly he’d give up on this pipe dream if it weren’t for the Gareth and Jeff practically shoving him in front of the mic every night.
A vibration makes him look at his phone.
GareBear: This is literally made for you. Send her an email.
Jefferson: She’s paying for the tickets man, might as well.
Eddie knits his brows. Were they smoking without him?
What drugs are you two on? Do you think I want to be killed?
He clicks on the ad again; for curiosity sake.
Looking for a mean and scary guy to be my concert boyfriend. I swear this isn’t fake!! I (23F) have an extra ticket for the Man Vs Self concert next weekend and I’m super nervous about going alone. None of my friends like this type of music and I wouldn’t have fun knowing they hate it :(
If you live in Indy that’s a plus because we can meet up before!! Please email me at [email protected]
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY! My lawyer friend WILL background check you!
Eddie sighs and rubs his eyes. If this is for real then it’s an awesome deal. He messages the group.
Those tickets sold out during presale, how do we know it’s real?
Jefferson: She’s desperate. Why else post on reddit of all places?
GareBear: Weren’t you complaining that you couldn’t score tickets? Just email her.
Eddie presses his lips together.
Why don’t one of you email her?
He knows the answer already.
Gareth sends a picture of Eddie with three laptops in front of him all with frozen screens. This was you remember? You cried afterwards too.
Jefferson: Wasn’t your high school superlative mean and scary? Literally a made for you deal. Plus you love playing hero.
Eddie groans and sends an upside down smiling face emoji.
Fine you assholes. I’ll send the stupid email and when this girl doesn’t respond you both have to find three new bars to play in.
It’s a completely fair deal. Eddie’s been the one scoping out the scene and he’s about ninety-eight percent sure that this post is fake anyway.
Why wouldn’t she post on Facebook where semi-normal people would respond. Reddit was almost asking for creeps to respond.
Eddie’s finger hovers over the email. Does that make him a creep because he’s responding?
No, he doesn’t believe it’s entirely real either so, no harm no foul.
Eddie groans and contemplates what to say to this reddit girl.
Hey, I saw your post and thought ‘this is fake’ but I’m interested anyway. What are the ‘mean and scary’ requirements?
He sends it and lays back on the bed, ignoring the nagging feeling that he just set himself up to be some cults next victim.
A few minutes pass and he glances at the clock. 5:47
Only about an hour for rest before he needs to head to the terrible bar off of Oak.
Chrissy gnaws at her thumbnail. Nancy was right creating that post on Reddit was completely and utterly stupid.
Her most idiotic decision since deciding to drop out of college and become a pastry chef.
She turns to look at her computer, each ping from her email sending a wave of anxiety through her.
“Are you sure you don’t want Jonathan or Steve to go? They’ll be more than happy to help you.”
Nancy’s voice echoes from the living room.
Chrissy looks at her notifications again. 27 new emails and frowns.
She closes the screen and walks away.
“You know Jonathan hates screaming and doesn’t Steve have a date Saturday?”
Nancy shrugs and flips through her book.
“Steve always has a date, but he’d probably love the chance to talk to some emo girl or whatever.”
There’s a slight judgment in her voice, but Chrissy chooses to ignore it. She finds it interesting that even though Nancy was the one to break up with Steve she still has some lingering feelings. Not that Chrissy would ever bring it up.
“What about your brother? Doesn’t he have a break from school?”
Chrissy shakes her head. “It’s Drew’s turn to visit our parents.”
Chrissy prays that their mother will be well behaved and not bagger Drew about becoming a doctor again. Poor boy is only nineteen.
She sits down next to the brunette and tries to read something. She only understands the words “authority” and “binding” before her eyes start to cross.
Nancy turns another page, “I would go if I didn’t have that mock trial on Monday you know.”
Chrissy smiles and pats Nancy’s knee. “I know, but these things can get pretty rowdy and you’d be annoyed after, like, the opening act.”
Nancy snorts and closes her book. “You know me pretty well Cunningham.”
She holds out her hand, “Give me your phone so I can see who responded to your insane post.”
Chrissy gingerly take out her phone and unlocks it. There’s now 30 red email notifications.
Nancy’s eyes narrow and her lip curls as she reads the messages.
Chrissy finds the empty picture frame on the wall very interesting. They really need to fill it with something, although Robin said it was a niche take on modern art.
She hears Nancy scoff and raises her brows.
“What?”
Nancy shakes her head and hands her phone back. “Chris, this is really a bad idea. Maybe two or three of these emails are serious, but I won’t bet money on them.”
Chrissy curls the tip of her braid around her finger.
“You think I should just delete the post and go by myself? Maybe Jonathan could get me an edible or something before the show and I’ll be fine.”
Chrissy lifts up her knees and hugs them close to her chest.
It really was a dumb idea. I have to stop reading those romance books.
She feels a warm hand on her head and looks up.
“It’s worth a shot. Send an email back to the three I didn’t delete and we’ll take it from there.”
Nancy’s brown eyes are warm and always have a calming effect on Chrissy.
“Besides, you know even edibles make you anxious. Better to stay away I say.”
Nancy gives her a final smile before returning to her book, leaving Chrissy to figure out how to respond to the emails.
I live close to Indy and could come to the show with you, but you’d have to buy me lunch first. And merch. And gas because I’d be driving about four hours and you know that with the prices these days-
No, definitely not. Chrissy gives a brief respond before moving on to the next possible person.
Are you really 23 and going to the MvS concert by yourself? Are you looking for a full time boyfriend because I swear I’m not a loser, I just live out of my car most days and -
Not a good idea. She doesn’t respond to that one. Are these really the one’s that Nancy said were suitable?
Hey, you sound super nice but shouldn’t you be posting this in one of their Facebook groups? I know a ton of other people that would hang out with you.
Chrissy sits up straighter and keeps reading.
Try MvS Concert Vibes or Cult of MvS to either sell that extra ticket/ find people to hang around. Best of luck and I guess I’ll see you there!
Chrissy smiles and does reply thanking the kind person. Although she doesn’t mention that social media hasn’t been especially good for her.
A flash of a frown and that cursed post from high school rears its ugly head. The faint echoes of laughter and anxiety swirls before her phone chimes with a notification.
Her eyes look down to find yet another email. Someone with a yahoo email address and that very fact makes her snort.
Hey, I saw your post and thought ‘this is fake’ but I’m interested anyway. What are the ‘mean and scary’ requirements?
Chrissy’s eyes spark because here is someone that actually might want to help her! She carefully reads and rereads her response.
It’s almost three in the morning when Eddie finds himself back in the tiny apartment.
Too tired for a shower even though his hair is matted with sweat. He settles on putting in up in a bun.
Maybe I should think about cutting it.
He finds the leftover Chinese and eats the noodles with his hands. They played decently and didn’t get booed off the stage this time.
Although Eddie thinks that was due to Jeff flirting with the bouncer, but who is he to complain?
A yawn that cracks his jaw reminds him that it really is too late for having MSGs. With one final mouthful he returns the carton to the fridge.
A grimace as he sees there’s only three eggs, a package of ketchup, that six-pack of White Claws that Gareth left as a joke, and something that might be molding but Eddie’s too scared to check.
Really got to get your shit together.
He has off tomorrow night after working at the auto shop, so grocery shopping it is. Another yawn and Eddie surprisingly remembers to set his alarm.
His bed is welcoming as he kicks off his boots one last lucid thought pops into his head. With bleary eyes, Eddie checks his email.
One unread message from highflyer86.
He blinks to clear his vision and opens the email.
Someone that uses a yahoo email in the year of our Lord 2023? I might have some questions on your age and sanity.
A smile lifts at the corner of his lips.
But to answer you. 1. This is very much real and I am in dire need of assistance. See the attached picture of the tickets.
2. My requirements aren’t much but for you to seem intimating (take that to mean what you wish), keep creepy/touchy guys away from me, tall enough that you can find me in a crowd and pick me up if I fall down so I don’t get crushed.
Eddie rubs his eyes. This girl really isn’t asking for much. He does check the picture which looks real, but anyone can photoshop anything nowadays.
If her pastel pink nails are anything to go by this girl would be better suited at that Taylor Swift concert but who is he to judge?
Eddie still manages to get some looks even in a big city like Indianapolis. Not as much as when he lived in that nowheresville small town with his uncle, but there’s a few places that he notices raise more brows than others.
Maybe the long hair, metal chains, and hell is empty, all the devils are here across his forearm is a bit much for the bible thumpers in Sam’s Club, but Eddie thinks they might needs to read some more Shakespeare or listen to Anaal Nathrakh.
He keeps reading, If these don’t sound like too much I’d like to set up a meeting? So I know you’re not a serial killer or something. Here’s a number you can text (I won’t pick up if you call).
That makes Eddie laugh and he gives her a quick response before passing out.
Chrissy’s heart pounds as she read the email from [email protected]
Your wish is my command. Text me the place you want to meet at. I’ll be free Thursday afternoon if that works for you? 219-734-645.
She looks at her planner for Thursday. She has enough time for a quick coffee meet up during her lunch break, so it should be fine.
She bites her lip and sends a quick, Hi before throwing her phone on the floor.
A shriek leaves her when her phone lights up a minute later. With trembling hands she reads, Please tell me you’re highflyer86 and not another possible cult member?
Chrissy purses her lips.
I’ll have you know the only cult I was a part of was my varsity cheer team. But I’m cured now.
She paces around her room and hopes that Nancy won’t be angry that she used her real number instead of that google voice one she suggested.
Ah, your email makes sense now. All the rah rahs and pompoms don’t usually mix with the metal scene though.
Chrissy sighs and wonders if she’s ready for the usually terribly awkward conversation about how her general aesthetic and music taste aren’t mutually exclusive.
Thursday good for you?
She sends him a pin to the café and can already tell that it won’t be his scene.
That place that looks like a birds nest? They actually sell things there?
Chrissy rolls her eyes and send this clearly uncultured person their menu.
My friend Robin owns it, so you’re not allowed to be mean. They have great earl grey tea and scones.
She go to brush her hair and lets her phone rest for a bit. It’s not like this would be an actual date, hell she doesn’t even know this guys name. Or what he looked like.
Chrissy frowns and shakes her hair out of the too-tight ponytail.
“Chrissy, I can drop you off before I have to go to class today.” Nancy calls and she feels her heart slow.
“Thanks Nance!” When she picks up her phone again, there’s two messages from her mystery guy.
Not my anything, weirdo.
She also has a text from her brother which isn’t completely unusual, but still odd. She opens it.
Chris, please send me that list you made of things that are SFM. I think she might actually die this time when I mention I’m trying to be vegetarian.
Chrissy feels a headache coming on and looks at her notes. Safe for Mom is an ongoing list that currently has approximately fifty discussion topics that are Laura Cunningham Approved. She copies the entire thing and send it to her brother.
Please pretend that you eat meat Drew. She hasn’t recovered from Easter dinner when you said that Jesus would be a poor, middle eastern refugee if he returned.
Chrissy returns to pack her bag for the day before heading out to meet Nancy.
She finds Nancy mouthing although to the paper that she’s hold while drinking her coffee. Chrissy is amazed by her multitasking skills.
“Any leads?” Nancy says as if Chrissy’s concert situation is a police investigation. She taps her nails on the counter.
“One person seems, um, good?”
Nancy raises her eyebrow and while still looking down at her paper questions, “Seems good? Not so solid Miss Cunningham.”
Chrissy fidgets, “I’m going to meet him on Thursday.”
Nancy puts her coffee down and stares.
“At Robin’s! Totally safe.”
“At least Steve will be there I suppose. Not that he’s much help if this is a kidnapping situation.”
Chrissy pouts. “I’m not going to be kidnapped in the café.”
Nancy rolls her eyes and folds her paper. “Max is working on Thursday’s right? She could scare any horror monster away with her attitude.”
She nods in agreement. The redhead did have quite the mouth on her.
“Put me on speaker the whole time.”
Chrissy starts to protest, but Nancy holds her hand out. “I’ll record this guys voice and then we’ll have more to give the police if you go missing.”
Chrissy shivers and rubs her arms. “You really scare me sometimes Nancy, you know?”
The brunette gives a wink and heads for the door. Chrissy follows and sees a thumbs up from her brother.
Mystery guy texted, I’ll be on my best behavior princess. What time Thursday?
She flushes at the pet name. They can’t have pet names, there needs to be rules she supposes.
1:30 works. See you then :)
The smiley face is automatic and even if she cringes while sending it, he send her one back.
The smell of Robin’s Roost is enough for him to pass out. Good thing he liked coffee because the blue and pink tile was not working for him.
Eddie rubbed the back of his neck and tried not to feel uncomfortable. His all black attire did not fit in with the sundresses and polo shirts of the other patrons.
At least one of the baristas was wearing plaid, something a bit more alternative.
He swallows and heads over to the counter. Chrissy, or he assumes this girl’s name is Chrissy, told him to ask a Max to help him.
He wipes him palms on his jean leg. He hasn’t been this nervous to meet a girl since high school.
Not that this will end in being jumped by the basketball team. He hoped.
A bored looking redhead taps her nails on the cash register. She eyes him up and down before scoffing.
“We don’t want any Satan Lives stickers.”
Eddie laughs despite the insult. “Not selling today Red. Looking for a Max, you know him?”
The girl’s blue eyes narrow. “I’m Max. What do you want?”
He almost wants to take a step away. Her voice is so icy it’s a wonder the tip jar is half full.
“Look, um, I’m here to meet, uh,”
Max makes a circle motion with her hand, “Sometime today, Hot Topic.”
Eddie blinks and he’s never both liked and hated someone so quickly before.
“Chrissy”, he manages, “I’m here to meet Chrissy.”
The name softens Max’s eyes just slightly and she points to a table on the side. “She’s there.”
Eddie starts to walk to the blonde, but feels a hand on his side.
“I’m going to be watching you the entire time. Sugarplum is too nice to say anything, but I’ll know if you do or say something.”
Eddie holds his hands up, “Okay. Understood Red.”
Max releases his shirt and he counts to ten as he walks over to this fabled Chrissy.
She’s not what he expects and everything that he imagined.
Wearing an absolutely adorable pink blouse with jeans that he can tell hug her curves perfectly. He can smell the vanilla hand lotion that she just put on and he might need to run away because she turns her head towards him.
Blue eyes meet his own brown ones and she breaks into a smile. He finds that her slightly gaped front teeth are enough to end him.
“Hi!” Her voice fills his ears and he’s about to have a heart attack.
“Chrissy?” He asks even though he knows this is her, highflyer86, the girl who wants him to be her fake boyfriend for the concert this weekend.
He’s absolutely fucked.
She nods and stands up to hug him. She’s tiny and he can smell her hair and Jesus Christ thank god he remembered deodorant today.
Chrissy smiles up at him and all he can do his stare.
“I’m so glad you came! And aren’t like, forty-five or something.” She giggles and its bells in his ears.
Eddie coughs and nods, “Yeah, for sure.”
Gareth is never going to let him live this down.
Chrissy claps her hands together and sits down. “So, I can’t keep calling you mystery guy.”
She pauses and he realizes that she wants his name.
“Ed-Eddie.” He stutters like he’s in middle school talking to his crush.
Chrissy, still smiling, nods. “Eddie.”
It rolls off her tongue and he wants to hear her say it over and over. Wants to hear her whisper it in his ear when he-
“So, how old are you exactly?”
He blinks and rubs his hands across his palms, his leg shaking. “I’m twenty five.”
Chrissy hums, “Cool, did you want to see the tickets? So you know I’m not, like, a some freak who lured you here?”
He nods because he doesn’t trust his voice. Chrissy turns to look in her bag and he closes his eyes.
This is horrible, he’s horrible. This girl is cute and sweet and he’s practically salivating.
“Eddie?” She reaches her hand to touch his.
He opens his eyes and sees concern in hers. “Sorry, my only off day so far. M’bit tired.”
Chrissy tilts her head and her bangs follow. He finds that he wants to brush them to the side.
“So, are you still interested after seeing me?”
Eddie stiffens and thinks about Jeff’s grandmother who made them drink her sour lemonade last month.
“I’m interested. Totally interested. One hundred percent interested.”
Chrissy squeals and claps her hands together. “Great! I’m so happy and can’t thank you enough. I’m so excited for the concert.”
It’s then that he remembers what this is for. He’s going to be her fake boyfriend. This isn’t a date. Chrissy’s only looking for someone to see a band with this weekend and then they’ll never talk to each other again.
“Me too.” He exhales knowing that he’s only going to be thinking about Chrissy and her smile, her eyes, her, every minute until the concert.