Chapter Text
“Do you know what it means to love?”
The question lingered in the back of her mind. It had been two days since she was asked.
“Do you know what it means to love?”
It burned into her head, into her soul, as much as a soul she had. The school's new therapist had taken it upon herself to keep up with her mandated sessions, after what happened with the last, the board decided it was best if an “outcast” be the new replacement, and to be kept on school grounds to avoid any more issues. Wednesday detested the days she had to go, she’d rather torture herself by listening to Enid’s off key singing to Taylor Swift, or her cursed girl nights with Yoko and the others, where they would stay in their shared dorm room for too long, giggling over nothing and random squealing.
“Do you know what it means to love?"
She scoffed, Wednesday didn’t need love. Wednesday had told herself she would be the first Addams to not fall victim to the family curse. She didn't need any of those extra emotions. In her mind it would be better if she didn’t have those things at all.
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Still, she could recall all the times as a child when her father would pull her into a bone crushing hug and hold her tight, she could tell you about all the times she sat high on his shoulders, as he paraded her around family reunions, his eyes filled with pride almost as if screaming, “Look at her, my darling girl.”
She could tell you all the times she and her mother would sit in the greenhouse, her mom showing her how to feed all the plants, their names, their uses in life. She could tell you the last time her mother hugged her, the last time Wednesday allowed it. It had been a lovely day, storming rain clouds, thunder filled the air, and lightning flashed through the windows. She remembered running up to her mom, holding a bouquet of cut rose stems, her first time doing it by herself. Her mothers simile wide, quickly accepting the gift, sweeping the small girl into a hug. It was warm, tight, filled with love.
“Do you know what it means to love?"
She could tell you when Enid hugged her for the first time after fighting the Hyde. She could almost name the emotion that was on Enid’s face, she looked as if she was even speaking, You’re alive! I’m alive! We are alive together! I fought for you, I hope you're proud.” Even when she pushed her away, that look was hard to ignore, she had to pull Enid back in. Allow herself to relax into Enid. They were alive.
For once, Wednesday was glad to be. If it meant she could stay there in that moment forever. She wished she told Enid what was on her mind, and answered her silent question.
“Yes, we are alive. I am alive because of you! I am always proud of you, you could never disappoint me. I love you.”
She stopped walking at those last three words. “I love you.” How could she feel that way? Why would she feel that way? Wednesday Friday Addams did not do love. Even Tyler was just a means to an end, but Tyler wasn’t Enid. Yes, even in the back of her own mind the words made sense. Her own head and body screaming, “YES! LOVE! You love her and only her! She fought for you! She came back to you even after she left! Even after you hurt her! SHE FOUGHT FOR YOU! She almost DIED for you! You love her, you want to love and be loved desperately! You are an ADDAMS, we are made for love!”
In her family, love was always considered their greatest strength. “To be an Addams, is to love.” She thought of all the times, now long after the Hyde, that Enid would be at the forefront of her mind. How she would seek the other girl out in between classes, hoping to see that blonde hair, to get a smile thrown her way. She would sit beside her during meals, just aching to be close, she would let Enid tug on her sleeve, pull her into hugs, grab her hands and place them on her shoulders. Is that what her therapist meant?
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Is love allowing the ones you care about, do things you normally would dislike?
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Is love knowing her, knowing their coffee order by memory?
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Is love holding her , holding them when they tremble and fall apart to imaginary visions, imaginary scenarios of a tragic day?
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Is love seeking her out when your own demons finally sink their claws into you? Is love letting her paint your nails all black except for one bright pink one on your left hand? Is it love when she asks you to paint the same nail on her hand but it black instead?
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Of course she knew what it meant to love. She was an Addams, all they did was love. Even as the universe seemed to revel in her suffering, she could just see Enid over the bend. Sitting in the Quad with all their her friends, at the same table they occupied, her blonde hair glowing in the sun, a lazy smile on her face, gesturing wildly as she told Yoko and Divina about her day. Wednesday knew the moment she sat down, Enid would give her all her attention, and Wednesday would make a point to ignore the looks the group gave them, too busy focusing on the bubbly wolf in front of her.
“Do you know what it means to love?"
Wednesday would listen closely, despite it not looking like she was, responding to Enid’s questions and theories about why Becca acted like that in Chemistry, or why she thought Bryce missed Art, and Enid would ask about her day, and Wednesday would give short replies, but Enid took them in all the same. Enid would press for details, or ask about new music that Wednesday would practice later, or she would ask about her novel. It was like they were the only ones to exist at that moment.
Maybe if Wednesday was braver, she would have told Enid that day, despite them being surrounded by the others, surrounded by the dirt and the trees. Maybe she would say it, just barely, words that only Enid was allowed to hear, “I love you, and only you. Thank you for saving me, thank you for fighting, I know you hate it, thank you for surviving. Thank you for being my friend, thank you for coming back, thank you, thank you. I love you, te amor, jet’aime whatever language you want me to speak it in I shall, for you and only you.”
Her mind raced with the weight of those words, even as she finally found her footing and made her way to the table. Enid was of course the first to notice, her senses even stronger now that she “wolfed out”. A smile was thrown, big and beautiful. Yoko and Divina shared a look, they knew, of course they knew, hell the entire group probably knew. “Howdy roomie! You doing all right there, you look a little out of it,” she asked through her smile, a look of genuine concern, it bothered Wednesday that Enid could see right through her. She noticed that the rest of the group had gone quiet, all of them annoyingly curious, though Enid would say it's because they care, that they are her friends too.
“Do you know what it means to love?
Maybe this was also love, though a different love than what she felt for Enid, and what her parents gave each other. Her and Bianca’s rivalry in fencing, though less rivalry and more unspoken respect, her and Eugene’s quiet moments in the shed, hours spent collecting and cleaning honey. Her appreciation of Yoko and Divina for being there for Enid when she couldn't. Her long bond with Xavier, born from childhood memories and times spent sharing art and reminiscing. Ajax and his protectiveness of Enid as well, the two long broken up, but Ajax remained a source of comfort for the other girl, again when Wednesday could not be there. Even her and Kent, time spent with Kent harmonizing to her cello, duets together as he plays piano.
She stared a moment, taking them all in, the concern only growing in her silence, yet Wednesday allowed herself to let it wash over her. Allowed emotions she long pushed back to flood her, her heart warm and full. To be an Addams, was to love and be loved. She loved her friends. She loved Enid, but she knew that was a different bridge to cross, a wound to pick open another time. “I am fine. I was arguing with the orchestra instructor over his sheet music arrangement for Winter by Vivaldi, the man clearly doesn’t know a 16th note from an 8th.” Her reply made the rest of the group roll their eyes as they all went back to conversing with each other, the only one to not was of course Enid.
Their eyes met, beautiful sky blue met the earthly brown. A twinkle, “I know you're lying to me,” blue whispered. “Forgive me, I love you,” brown pleaded. Wednesday broke first and looked away, too afraid to bare more of her soul. “You’ve seen so much of me, let me have this,” a silent prayer. Still she moved to her usual spot beside Enid, her eyes willing to burn a hole into the table. Enid didn’t press, she knew not to try her luck in front of the others, but she could see the stress in the smaller girl.
Softly, under the table she linked their pinkies together, a way to tether the girl to the world, her eyes a million miles away. Enid understood, she could ask later, maybe even throw herself at the other girl, begging with her, “Tell me, tell me my moon, what burdens do you carry? Let me take some from you. Let me, let me. Bare your soul, let me see the real you, love me like an Addams. Love me, love me. Let me make you proud, let me protect you, hold you. Let me tell you. I love you. Let yourself love me as I love you.”
To be a Sinclair meant to protect, to shield those you love. It was their strength, not that her family ever seemed to care what it meant to be. Who protected Enid? It certainly was not them. No, it was not, it was the small girl sitting next to her, content to let her emotions swallow her whole and drown silently. Maybe Enid could convince her it didn’t have to be that way. Enid could tell her love me, and let me love you, to love is to be strong. But, Enid was content to play along until the other girl would figure it out, patient as always. She gave Wednesday a small glance, not surprised to see her already staring. Enid tried in that moment to show her love in her eyes, a gentle smile crossing her face, she tried to yell without shouting, “I love you, I love you. I would die for you, would kill for you, I would do anything. I love you.” If Wednesday understood she said nothing, but even the small girl tried to reply, using only her eyes almost pleading with the other girl, “Cara mia, I would wage war, I would kill, lie, cheat, steal and die for you. No, I would not die for you, I would live for you. I would fight for my life if it meant to come home to you everyday. Cara mia, I love you.”
No words, only looks of longing and adoration. Of course Wednesday knew what it meant to love, because she loved Enid Sinclair. She loved her enough to live for her, loved her enough to continue to bare her soul, if only to hear that Enid loved her in return.