Chapter Text
Sizhui sits - kneels - on the wooden floor. His hand fiddling with the end of his headbands, mind racing with restless thoughts. He is in an inn, in his room that he share with Jingyi. The two was asked to supervise a night hunt alongside few other elder disciples and they're now on their way back, deciding to take a stop at the said inn as the sun is already going down.
The door open and Sizhui unconsciously straighten his back, his hand put neatly on his lap. He turn his gaze toward the other, soft smile making it's way to his lips as he look at the now sitting Jingyi.
"Everything's fine?" He ask with voice as gentle as always. Jingyi nods with a small sigh, "The juniors are all asleep. It's their first nighthunt after all, they must be tired." Sizhui nods and hum as response. "You should rest as well, it's getting late and we still have a long way to Gusu." Jingyi pouts, his brown eyes met Sizhui's gray ones, "You should rest too." Concern clear in his voice, or maybe it's Sizhui's hopeful wish. It's understandable, though, Sizhui have been the one watching over their nighthunts for the last two days, tricking Jingyi with "I'll watch first" and "I'll wake you up later." and tonight he is kneeling with posture straighter than Jingyi is (not like they ever talk about it) asking him to rest.
"The nighunt is over, everything went smoothly, and we're in an inn, you don't have to take watch anymore, let's just sleep." Jingyi demands, his reason make more sense than enough yet he still add, "If someone really have to take watch than I will! Just get some sleep, Sizhui." His voice now more a beg than a demand.
"It's fine, A-yi." There's something in how Sizhui calls him by his childhood name that makes Jingyi feels something's amiss. "Go to sleep first. I have things to settle." Lies. The 42nd lies he's told in his life, and it's the 37th towards Jingyi. Yes, Sizhui keep counts on his lie, the reason being 'lying is probihited' and like any normal people he punished himself everytime he did. More often than not Jingyi saw him copying rules while handstanding and his answer is "I broke some rules." and continue with his previous copying, avoiding answering what rule he breaks. Jingyi gave up after the fifth time, only grateful Sizhui never punish him when he break any rules - shouting, cussing, talking back, etc. - Sizhui stand up shortly after he say the words, leaving a still pouting Jingyi as he goes to take a stroll under the moonlight. 'Do not go out at night,' his mind subconsciously recites yet he still leisurely walk, finally stopping to admire the full Moon.
He look up, appreciating the night sky paired with soft breeze. He hear movements from his back yet he take no look as he quickly recognize the sound. Jingyi, now standing right next to him, also look up just for a brief second before his gaze turn towards the other. Sizhui make no move, only taking a deep breathe but still not looking away. Jingyi sigh. "Sizhui..." he starts, hesitant, "did I do something wrong?" Jingyi cringed at his own question. Surely, somewhere between his cursing, shouting, complaining, and all the things he did, there must've been something crossing the line. He let out yet another sigh, eyes locking on the ground.
"You have done nothing wrong." Sizhui answers. 'It's my fault.' He left unsaid.
"Let's get back. We really need sleep." Jingyi said with a rushed footsteps while Sizhui follow. A quiet sigh leave Sizhui's lips unnoticed by the other, guilt and regret embracing his heart. He shouldn't have this feelings. It's his fault. Jingyi probably hate him now. Jingyi must've feel uncomfortable. Jingyi, Jingyi, Jingyi.
It's been a week since then, and Sizhui would never say it out loud but he feel so helpless now that Jingyi is avoiding him. He realize that ever since the day they continue their way back to Gusu. Jingyi has been avoiding him, only can be seen in class or in the disciples room to sleep.
That day, however, Sizhui is more helpless than ever. It's the day of the week where Sizhui will have dinner at the Jìngshì with his bàba and ā diē. He was peacefully eating his rice when the question of their latest nighthunt and how Jingyi hasn't been seen with him lately rise up by none other than his beloved ā diē because who else? His bàba? Sizhui tried to avoid answering, he really did, but when a single "A-Yuan," from his bàba's gentle voice come, he breaks down. He lets out his tears with no sound, his hand still holding his bowl of rice and his eyes stuck to the the bowl as well. He is weak when it come to the two, and he is even weaker when either one of them call him by his birthname. His tear doesn't stop when he feels his diē hand reassuringly patting his back, still crying when his bàba take the bowl of rice and chopstick from his hand and still, with no sound other than a few sniffle, crying when Wei Wuxian engulf him in a hug where he bury his face in his diē shoulder. It take a while for him to calm down and after he does, he pull away from the embrace. His gaze goes on the floor as he sit properly, not knowing how to face his parents. Sizhui, with his back straighten and on his knees, is now sitting right in front his parents, facing them.
Wei Wuxian feels his heart ache at the view. Nevermind how people say of A-yuan not being related to him by blood, he is his son. And he hate seeing his son crying, hate not being able to help him. Lan Wangji, feeling very much the same as Wei Wuxian, can only hold his hand in attempt to comfort his husband.
"A-Yuan-" Wei Wuxian reach out his hand but the way Sizhui's body stiffen and his child's weak voice making him stop halfway, "I'm sorry." Sizhui says. Wei Wuxian pull back his hand, his heart shattering even more as he hear the apology. His eyes turn to Lan Wangji golden ones, asking for help. "Why?" Sizhui contemplate for a few second before he let out another sorry.
"Bàba, ā diē, I... I don't think I can do it anymore." Sizhui start, his voice low and shaky. "I think Jingyi is... is avoiding me. I've made him feel uncomfortable." Sizhui can feel tears building up again but he hold them in. Some time later, somewhere between him telling about the incident last week and how he start falling for the childhood friend of his, he can no longer hold up, letting his tear flow freely again.
It was their third nighthunt together when Sizhui first question his feelings. They encountered some lowly demons, not too fierce to have them get help yet not too weak to let their guard down. Sizhui make a rather clumsy mistake, not paying attention as he is looking for a talisman to weaken the demon resulting to him getting attacked. He groans, the pain in his arm make him so sure it's broken and as if it's not bad enough, it's his dominant hand. He reach out to his sword with his left hand, putting it up in attempt to guard him as he never learn to use sword with his left hand (he learns it after that). Jingyi and a few other disciples come to his rescue, successfully killing the demon and get him back to Gusu safely. They're lucky their nighthunt didn't take place faraway so that they could get help easily. That night, even after the healer was gone, Jingyi insisted on staying to take care of him, saying he feels guilty for letting it happen at the first place. Jingyi slept after some time, while sitting on the floor, his hand on Sizhui's bed as a pillow to his head. Sizhui, feeling bad about Jingyi's sleeping state, stares down at him with guilt. He is lost in thought, his heart flutter at the thought that Jingyi rescued him, carried him all the way to Gusu, listening as the healer tell them the precautions and how to apply the herbs, and insisting on staying with him through the night. He can feel heat rose up his cheeks, his hand that were held by Jingyi tighten it's grip. His mind wander around the existent of his bestfriend in his life and like that, he somehow fell asleep.
✰
"You have done nothing wrong." Sizhui answers. 'It's my fault.' He left unsaid.
"Jingyi," he calls out after a few second, gentle voice with a comforting hand on the latter's back, "I mean it. Nothing's wrong." Jingyi turn to him, meeting his eyes. Sizhui feel like his breath is taken away. That brown eyes that sparkles ever so often. That brown eyes he always get lost in. That brown eyes he loves to read so deeply into. "Your eyes are really pretty." He let out without a thought and Jingyi look away. Sizhui feels a pang in his heart, regretting his action. He should've known not to make Jingyi feels uncomfortable.
"Let's get back. We really need sleep."
Sizhui feels embarrassed for crying. It's a trivial matter, not even worth thinking about yet here he is, crying as if the world is ending. Both of his parents hugging his sides, his bàba softly rubbing his head and his ā diē gently patting his shoulder.
"It's not wrong to have feelings, A-Yuan, why would it be? Love who you want, we only want you to be happy," Wei Wuxian says, his voice soothing in Sizhui ears. "And about Jingyi, maybe you should try to talk to him? We can help if you'd want." Upon the suggestion, Sizhui shake his head enough for the two to feel it. "I will try by myself, first... Thank you, ā diē." He voice out before he lean his head to the man, finding comfort in his parents arms. He is already 18, yet his parent's affection and it's effects on him never change. He close his eyes, building up his will and courage to talk to Jingyi. 'Tomorrow,' he thought, 'I will try to get him after class."