Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Welcome home
Where hugs are always tight
And ‘I love you’s are always whispered

Where ouchies aren’t always accidents
But they’re always wiped with alcohol
And wrapped with toilet paper
And kissed better until every last tear is dried

Where those tears are always silent
If they ever come at all

Where doors are either slammed
Or carefully closed with the knobs already turned
And a single creak spells doom

Where sickness is shared
And so is every bit of food
But never secrets

Welcome home
To a rabbit’s burrow
Right below a den of wolves

Chapter Text

I peeled my eyes open in bed, motionless for a second as I tried to swallow the pain from last night. It wasn’t too bad this time, a few belt strikes on my back, a few bruises on my chest, none on my face.
Never on my face.

No bones broken or blood drawn this time either, which was lucky, because I had just taken the splint off of my wrist yesterday. It still hurt, but only when I had to use it, so it’s nothing worth taking pills over. It was too much trouble to sneak into his room for them anyway.

I stood on shaky legs and went to Hazel’s room, which was right next to mine, to my left. I turned and knocked on the door as quietly as I could. Dad was probably asleep, but I didn’t want to risk anything.
I creaked the door open to find her fast asleep hugging Dolly, her little stuffed lamb, bundled up in her old baby blanket, which still covered her whole body.
It was bigger than most, though. Bianca and I overestimated how big the baby would be when we found out Marie was having one.

I remember the night we took old curtains and clothes that were falling apart, and patched them together with dental floss and a paper clip straightened out and then folded in half again and twisted together, stuffing them with cotton that she cut from her own pillow. It wasn’t the prettiest thing to look at, but it was sturdy and warm.

She died only a few days later.

“Hey, little one.” I whispered, quietly closing the door.

She jumped up, calming down after a moment when she saw me. “Oh, it’s just you.” She smiled a little, and oh stars, I would do anything to keep that smile on her face for just a little bit longer. But it slipped off after only a second or two. “I don’t wanna go to school.” She whined. “It’s cold out there, and it’s warm under my blankie.”

“I know, baby.” I sat on the bed next to her. “School’s gonna be warm too, it’s just the walk that’s cold. And I’ll dress you nice and warm so it won’t be so bad, ok?”

She pouted. “... Ok. But only if you carry me.”

I smiled and gave her a hug. “Of course I will. Now let’s get you ready.”

I don’t really know much about her type of hair, but I do my best to comb through it and tie it back with a pink ribbon salvaged from a gift bag she got back on Valentine's day. I dressed her in thick black leggings under her pink wool-lined boots, then one of Bianca’s hand-me-down dresses, brown and collared and simple. I got her pink jacket over that, soft and patterned with rainbows and puppies. It was the happiest thing she had in her closet, and therefore, her favorite.
Even though I bought it for her at a garage sale three years ago, and it was getting a little ratty, she still hasn’t outgrown it.

The thought made me sad, how sickly and scrawny she is, how slowly she’s growing compared to kids her age. She looks more like a five year old than an eight year old, and she gets tired so easily. She always needs a nap after school, and she’s barely awake at all on the weekends. We’ve been lucky not to have gotten a call from her school.
I remember her telling me the other kids at school keep teasing her, calling her a shrimp, and she thought it was because she wore pink all the time.

I… Didn’t have the heart to correct her.

She ran up to the closet and yanked down one of Bia’s old sweaters, a brown one, shoving it in my arms. “I don’t want you cold either, bubby.”

I smiled a little and took it, trying to ignore the pang of guilt I felt when I slipped it on. It wouldn’t do her any good to refuse, it was too big for her. It was barely holding onto me, for that matter. “Thank you. Are you taking Dolly to school today?”

She shook her head. “The kids at school make fun of me when I do that. I dunno why, some of ‘em still bring their stuffies to school.”

I sighed, knowing it was probably because Dolly was so torn up and old. She loved it to bits, quite literally, with stuffing leaking out, one black button eye missing, the red ribbon tied in a bow around its neck frayed so bad she had been able to braid the loose threads together.

I took her to the bathroom and helped her brush her teeth, then brushed mine, glad the water bill had been paid this month.
I was about to reach for the hoodie on the coat rack when I got to the front door, but I thought better of it when I heard footsteps behind me. I hurried out of his way, watching as he grabbed it off the rack and turned to me. “Oh… You’re still here.”

“... Yeah.” I tucked her behind me, not that I offered much protection if he decided to strike.

He looked me up and down, his badge glinting with sharpness. I stepped back from him, my back slowly leaning on the kitchen counter as she stayed underneath it, safe behind my legs. “Get my pills, will ya?”

I nodded grimly, taking her hand and leading her back to the hall. I wasn’t leaving her alone with him for a single second if I could help it. “Hazel, go back to your room for a minute. I need to get something for dad.”
She nodded, taking my orders without question, and I hurried into his room. They were always in his room, but the bottle on the nightstand was empty, thanks in part to my usage of them this past month. I had to look around for a full one, because if I told him there were no more pills…
Well, I was really in for it then.
It didn’t matter what I said or did at that point, I could promise to buy more with my own money, it wouldn’t make a difference. He’d only want one thing from me at that point, and that was blood.

My body flooded with relief when I found a full bottle of aspirin in his underwear drawer, and I grabbed it like it was about to disappear.
I made a mental note to wash my hands once he was gone before hurrying out of the room to deliver his meds to him.

He grabbed the bottle out of my hand, yanking it forward in the process, which caused pain to shoot up my left wrist.

I couldn’t help but wince and cradle the wrist in my other hand, cursing myself for using my left instead of my right. I did this to myself, really.

“... Y’know… I hate it when you drag her away from me like that. Like I’m dangerous. Like I’m the freak here instead of you.” He glared at me. “Turning my own family against me. Disgusting.”

He turned back to the door and left for work.

I waited, listening with my ear pressed against the wall, his insult bouncing around in my head. I hate him, but I can’t shake the shame that shivered down my back.
Only when I heard his car driving away did I leave my post. I washed my hands of this whole affair, then went to Hazel’s room. “Hey, little one. You ok?”

She hugged my legs tightly. “He’s scary.”

I sighed, picking her up and hoisting her onto my hip as I walked over to the door, refusing to let the pain show on my face. I didn’t want to scare her. “I know. It’s a good thing he’s gone for now.” I kissed her cheek, trying to be extra nice to her after the confrontation, and opened the door, walking down the front steps into the city.
It was only fall, so it wasn’t snowing yet, but it was getting close to that kind of weather. I could see my breath fogging up in the air, and I held her close until I got to her school, hoping all the while that it wouldn’t rain today. It had rained a few days before, and there’s only one umbrella in the house, so usually, dad takes it. I should dig around for spare change and save up for another one, so she doesn’t have to be out in the rain and risk getting sick. I really need to be more on top of things.

I nearly started to panic when I sent her off, like I do every morning. I hate that she’s away from me, away from my protection, for 8 hours every single day. But it’s for her own good, she needs to be at school, with people her own age. She needs to have as much normalcy in her life as possible. Besides, she gets two free meals there. I don’t know what I’m gonna do when she gets to middle school, and that goes down to one. Or high school, and suddenly, you have to pay.
I’ll have to get a job soon, I think as I reach for a cigarette.

I sighed in disappointment when I remembered the cigarettes were in dad’s hoodie pocket, and he got it today. I suppose it’s for the best though, Hazel hates it when I smoke. That’s why I wait until she’s at school to do it. Of course, maybe she’s caught on, and that’s why she gave me the sweater, since it doesn’t have pockets, and even if it did, they wouldn’t have cigarettes in them.
She shouldn’t be worried about things like that, but I get it. They’ve probably shown her a million PSAs about it in class, and they’re all right. Smoking does kill. But it also satisfies when food isn’t an option.

I could get by without my smokes, of course. It would be hell, but I could do it. I should. I need to. I hate myself for lying to her like this, for not having the willpower to kick the habit. It’s not like I’m addicted, I only do it once or twice a day.
Well… Sometimes it’s closer to two or three. And that’s only on the days I have the opportunity. I’m just selfish, putting my physical comfort over her peace of mind.

I’m such a terrible person.

-

I came in through the front door, and sighed in relief, glad to be in a heated building again.

Percy came to greet me, and I felt my guts writhe in my belly like snakes. He’s so tall, at least compared to me, and strong, and yet, so gentle. I hate that it’s taken me so long to trust him as much as I do, that I can’t trust him as much as he deserves, but I’d never not be anxious around him. And today, it seemed especially bad. “Hey, Nic. You, um… Need to go to the bathroom?” I knew what he was really asking.

I decided to be honest with him this time, even though it wasn’t too bad. It was selfish, and reckless, but I just… Wanted him to touch me. “... Yeah. Sure.”
He took me to the bathroom, and I held my wrist out. “It’s just this again.” I mumbled. “I don’t think it needs a splint anymore… Besides, I don’t wanna scare her.”

He sighed. “... Why don’t you tell someone?” He asked.

I froze. I was afraid this day had come. “... Have you said anything?” I asked cautiously.

“No, of course not! I’ve been keeping your secret from everyone, even my mom, and you can trust me to keep that up. But…” He sighed, seemingly unable to find the words. “... Aren’t you sick of the fear?”

“Of course I’m sick of it!” I snapped, which I regretted immediately after. “I’m sorry, I just…” I sighed, giving up on trying to explain. It sucks that, even though he’s been through the same thing, he won’t understand. “... Sorry for snapping. I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s ok, I’m not mad. But… You know you can tell me anything, right?”

I didn’t say anything to that.
He just nodded and pulled out his gauze, wrapping it around my wrist, my palm, going as far as the middle of my forearm. My cold skin felt warm and alive where his fingers brushed against me, and I was almost relieved when the job was done, because the sensation was so intensely pleasurable it almost hurt.

-

Classes came and went, I didn’t care about any of them. My mind was fuzzy and tired like it always is in the morning, though I couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes for more than a second. It hurt to grip a pencil, and the other students kept shoving me around, without even meaning to. I was just… Invisible to them.
I was. And Percy sacrificed his own visibility by associating with me. By talking to me, making sure I’m ok, or… As close to ‘ok’ as I can be.
Soon, the only thing I cared about was how much longer until lunch.

Finally, it came, and I sat by Percy like I always did, although it seems they could only spare a bag of chips this time around. That was the first time in… Years. The first time since she’d met Paul.
I grabbed the bag and tore into it, cramming my mouth with the first food I had since yesterday. I’m sure I looked like an animal, because when I looked up, I was met with his eyes, now filled with pity, and he pushed his milk carton towards me. “I’m sorry, she doesn’t get paid until Sunday, and ever since the move and the new baby and Paul being in the hospital… Money’s been tight again. I hope you understand.”

I didn’t respond, but guilt surged through me, and the chips turned bitter in my mouth. I wonder, how much have I cost them?

I paused, my hand still in the bag.

He continued. “Speaking of which, she started working late again.” Percy sighed. “Normally, I’d watch Estelle, but my math teacher gave me detention again, so I was wondering… Y’know, no pressure if you can’t, but I’d love it if you could babysit for me.”

I swallowed the chips already in my mouth. “I’ll be able to take Hazel with me, right?”

“Yeah, I’m sure mom won’t mind.”

“Then sure. At least I’d be away from that house.” I set the bag down, still half-full, and picked up the milk. I could pretend milk didn’t count. That it was basically water.

Apparently, he noticed, pushing them back to me. I hadn’t even noticed I pushed them away. “Nic, we’re not that poor. Go ahead and finish the bag, it’s ok.”

I shook my head. “I-I’m just gonna, um… Save them for later.”

There it was again, that pity. “... Ok.”

-

School ended a few hours later, and I was left to brave the cold, my pants riddled with holes and worn thin, but the best I had. My shoes were barely any better, but I still walked all the way to the elementary school so I could pick Hazel up. It was pretty convenient how close our schools are.

She ran to meet me, dark brown eyes gleaming amber gold in the sun as she looked up at me, arms now locked tight around my legs. “Bubby!”

"Whoa, hey piccolina. I love you too.” I picked her up and set her on my hip, heading for the subway this time. Percy’s new house was on the other side of town now. “We’re visiting Percy’s house tonight, ok?”

She grinned and hugged me around the neck. “Yay! I like him, he’s fun.”

“Oh, no Hazy, he’s not gonna be there. But the baby will. You’ll get to meet her tonight, because I’m going over there to babysit her. You’ll see Sally too.”

She hummed. “I like Sally. She’s nice.”

I smiled and kissed her cheek. “So, what all did you learn today?” I asked as I carried her across the turnstile, clutching my ticket in a vice grip. Even when she turns 12, she’ll probably be able to get away with not paying.

“Well, we learned about Sacagawea, and conjunctions, and that plants eat sunshine.”

I smiled down at her, stepping across the gap and onto the subway floor. “That’s nice, hon.”

“Sometimes I wish I could eat sunshine. Like right now, because Kylie stole my hamburger at lunch and I only got to eat a fruit cup for lunch so now I’m hungry again.”

“Oh, dear.” I hugged her close and sat down on the subway bench. “I hate that you’re getting pushed around like that.” I pulled the leftover chips out of my bag and offered them to her. “Here.”

She grabbed a handful and started to eat, finishing the bag in only a few seconds. “Do you have anything else?”

I groaned a little and shook my head. “Can you wait until we get to Percy’s house?”

She squirmed a little. “No…”

I sighed. “Ok, let’s try and figure something out…” I started looking around for change on the floor, but it seems other desperate people snatched up every spare coin in the subway.
Except…
There was a guy with a ten dollar bill sticking out of his pocket.
I hated doing this, but I had to take care of her.
Just as the tips of my fingers brushed the edge of the money, the guy’s head whipped around, and my heart stopped.

He checked me over, before his eyes darted into his grocery bag. “Hey, um… Were you the one talking to the little girl back there?”

I felt like my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, like velcro. Eventually, I ripped it off to speak. “Um, yeah. I’m really sorry-”

He pulled out a honey bun and handed it to me. “Don’t be.”

I checked it for a minute, made sure the packaging wasn’t tampered with, before giving it to my little sister, who happily started eating as I pulled her back onto my lap, safe from any roving predators, and he held the ten out to me. “Go get yourselves something nice.”

I took it, looking back up at him. “... You’re not angry?”

“Nope, I’ve been there.” There was a slight pause, then he extended his hand. “I’m Luke.”

“Nico… Um, I kinda have my hands full, so I can’t really…”

Luke smiled and put his hand back in his pocket. “Right, right, silly me.” He looked down at her. “You feeling better?”

She nodded eagerly, mouth still full of honeybun.

I looked up at him, still holding her close. “... Thank you, again.”

“Seriously, it’s not a problem.” He waved it off. “… This is my stop.” He walked off, and I put the ten dollar bill in my pocket. She offered me a little bit of her honey bun, but I refused. She needed it more than me.

-

It took a little bit more walking to get to their new place. Hazel had insisted on walking, even though it tired her out. It was tiring me out too, my lungs struggling to hold enough of the brisk fall air, but I was glad they’d gotten out of the apartment. There wasn’t nearly enough room.
Before I could even knock on the door, Sally opened it herself. “Oh! Hi, kids. Why’d you come over?”

“We’re here to sit on the baby!” She chirped.

Sally cracked up, her smile lines crinkling, and god… She reminded me so much of mama, in the little time I remember her. “Well, be careful, I don’t wanna come home to a pancake baby... Where’s Percy?”

“He got detention.”

Her shoulders slumped. “Again?”

“Yeah… Well, to be fair, it was his math teacher. She’d put the whole class in detention if she could.”

She sighed. “So I’ve heard… Oh, come in. Where are my manners?” She led us into her house, which I’d never seen until now. The rush of heat made me relax a little, and it looked really nice. I understood why it cost them so much money. “Now, I’ll be out… At least until midnight. Maybe a little longer, I’ll see how much overtime I get.”

I nodded, picking Hazel back up, setting her on my hip. “Thanks. Is there anything else before you go?”

“Yeah, hold on…” She started digging in her purse.

I knew what she was doing, and I felt bad. She may be better off than before, but she’s still poor. “Oh, no, you don’t have to-”

“Oh, hush, you ought to get paid for this. Besides, at least one person in the house’ll keep down a job.” I recoiled at that, hating that I had to lie to her about my dad. But I needed to explain everything somehow, the urgent need for food, the thick white stitches along my clothes. She found a five dollar bill, and handed it to me. I felt a little dirty, but I didn’t say anything. Five dollars wasn’t a lot, but it wasn’t nothing. “Take care, you two.”

I watched her leave, and put Hazel on the couch. The baby had started crying when Sally closed the door. “Can you be good while I go tend to the baby?”

Hazel nodded, and I went to care for her. I picked her up, and she almost instantly calmed down, looking up at me, still whining a little. “Hey, ‘Stelle. I know, there was a loud noise, and you got scared. It’s ok, it’s just your mama leaving for work.” She shrieked in protest. “Oh, don’t worry, she’s coming back…” She started grasping at my sweater, tugging on it with her tiny baby hands.
I realized what she was trying to ask for, and carried her to the fridge and got her a bottle of Sally’s milk, heating it up in the microwave, shaking it, testing it on my arm, and holding it to her mouth. She suckled for a little, but didn’t drink the entire bottle. In fact, she started crying more when she was done.
I draped a dish towel over my shoulder before I burped her, just in case she spat up. I was glad for it too, because she did. But she wasn’t crying anymore. “There we go, little one. Are you feeling better?”
She cooed at me, and I felt a little tug on my free hand. “Yes, love?”

Hazel was pouting. “Can I hold her? Please?”

“Sure, hold on.” I took her spit up rag off my shoulder and put it on the counter, before kneeling down on one knee and handing her the baby. She started hugging her tighter than she should’ve, though, making her cry, so I took her back. “Sweetie… I know she’s cute, and I know you’re excited, but this isn’t like Dolly, ok?” I started bouncing the baby a little, shushing her and hoping, desperately, that she’d go back to sleep. “She’s really alive, and she’s very delicate. You don’t need to be squeezing her like that, she could break.”

She shrunk in disappointment and embarrassment. “Oh… Whoops. I’m sorry.”

I sighed. “It’s ok, you just made a mistake.” I tucked my other leg under its thigh. “You want me to show you how to hold her right?” I asked.

She nodded, making her cute little grabby hands.
I handed her over again, guiding her arms into the cradling position as she scooted into my lap. “Alrighty, be very gentle, and be sure to support her neck… There we go.” I kissed her cheek. “Good job. You’re a good listener, y’know that?”

She grinned up at me proudly, and I stood, picking the spit rag back up, and corralled Hazel back to the couch. I let her hold Estelle and play with her while I went to look for the dirty laundry.
Once I found it, I noticed the Jacksons had a lot of laundry piled up. They didn’t have anything going in the washer right now, so I figured I could do a load, tossing the rag in with an assortment of baby clothes.
Domestic tasks like these were… Comforting. I don’t know why, but it felt nice to play house like this. I’ve had to do this for half my life, so it’s familiar territory. And this place was so… Calm. Nice and quiet.

I happened across an old wicker basket, and… I remembered so much just from that.

I remembered how I had to use one for Hazel because we didn’t have a crib. How I would have to pad it out with old clothes, draping them over the edges to make sure nothing poked her, to make sure she felt as comfortable as she could.
I don’t know why I was so attached to my own crib as a kid, but I cried when he said he was gonna sell it to pay for mama’s medicine, and he hit me in the back of the head for crying, because damn it, his wife was dying. If there’s anyone in this house that had a reason to cry, it was him, but did I see him crying? No. He was handling it just fine, so how about I just man up and make this sacrifice for my mother? I did love my mother, didn’t I? Because I sure wasn’t showing it-

I heard the baby cry and went to the couch. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I sat next to Hazel and reached for Estelle.

“I don’t know… I think she just wants you.”

I reached for the baby, and sure enough, she calmed down almost immediately.
I kept holding her, and took the remote into my free hand. “Is there anything you wanna watch, tesorina? It’s gotta be something soft so we don’t upset her.”

“Ok… Oh, wait! Before you turn it on, I wanna show you something I made at school today…” She reached into her backpack, dug out a rolled up paper, and spread it out on the coffee table. “It’s our house!” She smiled up at me proudly. “I was too shy to pin it on the whiteboard, so the teacher let me take it home with me!”
She had drawn a house shape, most of it filled in with black, with glowing red eyes in the dark, matched with a sharp pair of white teeth in the corner. I… I wasn’t alarmed by that, unfortunately. That’s just how she draws dad.
But inside of that, there was a heart, filled in with pink, with two stick figures. A shorter one with curly hair, which I assumed was her, and a taller one without any hair at all, but a dotted body line where hers is solid for some reason, which I assumed was me.

“Aww… You did such a good job. But why… Why do I look like that?” I asked.

“Like what?”

I pointed to my body. “It’s a line of dots. Why’d you do it like that?”

She slipped her arms around me. “Because when I hug you, I feel dots on your back.” Her fingers pressed against my spine. “See? It’s… It’s hard to feel ‘em now… But they’re still there.”

My heart ached, and I turned the TV on, trying to distract her. I didn’t want her figuring out those were my bones. She’d get sad, and I don’t want her to be sad.

-

After a while of watching TV with her, I took the laundry out of the washer and into the dryer, and then out of the dryer and onto the table. I tried to fold it, but pain shot through my wrist, so it was hard.

She picked up a shirt and started folding it, but I took it from her hands, and finished it myself.

She held herself, looking down at her shoes. “... Sorry, bubby. I-I didn’t know I was screwing it up that bad.”

I dropped my work and turned my full attention to her. “Oh, baby, no. No, no, no, it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all. Come here.” I spread my arms out, and she tucked herself into them. “There we go. It’s not like that, I didn’t mean it like that. I promise I didn’t. I’m so sorry.”

“But… Why didn’t you let me finish?”

I sighed. “I… I don’t know. I just-I don’t want you keeping house. That’s my job.”

“I just wanted to help.”

“I know you did, and that’s very nice of you. But you shouldn’t feel like you need to. You just be a kid while you still can, ok?”

She leaned on me. “Can I still hold the baby?”

“Of course you can.” I kissed her cheek, craning my neck to check on Estelle, watching her yawn. “You know I love you, and I’m so glad you and her are getting along so well. But… I think it’s time she gets to bed.”

She picked up the baby and let me take her back to her crib, but I stumbled through the dark to turn on Sally’s bedside lamp, just in case her baby was afraid of the dark.

Afterwards, I went to the kitchen to make Hazel a sandwich. She may have had a honey bun and chips earlier, but she needs something that’s gonna stick with her through the night. I made one for myself too, but after eating half of it in the kitchen, I found that I couldn’t bring myself to finish it.
It took very little to keep me going anyway, much less than this. The rare times I felt completely full were always accompanied by a rush of guilt, and tonight was no exception. Even though she’s already been fed, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m somehow taking food out of her mouth. Usually, I just had whatever Sally had packed extra, and that was enough to get me through the day. It was actually a step up from before she was in school, even though I didn’t have to pay for lunch yet.
Back then, for a while at least, I had to put whatever I could in my backpack so I could give it to her once I got back home. If it wasn’t for Percy taking notice and asking his mom to pack an extra portion of his lunch every day, and of course the food pantry at church, she…

She may not have made it to kindergarten.

The thought haunted me, made me sick to my stomach. I thank my lucky stars every single day for him and his mother both, for keeping us alive. She was struggling already, she could barely afford to take care of him. But she still fed us.
As for the weekend, sometimes I’d get something, and sometimes I wouldn’t. Same story for her, despite the fact that I did everything I could to make sure she got enough to eat every day, or at least something, even if it wasn’t really enough. Sometimes, I was incapable of even that, and I hated myself for it.
It especially sucked in the summer, when our only source of food is either spare change or the fridge at home, and we risked another beating every time we opened it.

We used to be a very religious family, dad’s still Catholic as far as I know, but he’s always too hungover to actually go to mass, which I hate. Not that I’m concerned for his soul, no god could save that rotten old thing. I just wish he was out of the house.
There was a food pantry at our cathedral, and we used to use it, but… I got caught once, when I was twelve. The lady running it assumed I was just using it for shits and giggles, so she sat me down and chewed me out about how the food pantry isn’t for just anyone, this is exclusively for the poor, and if everyone used it, then there wouldn’t be anything left for those who actually need it.
I didn’t correct her. I didn’t want anyone to know the truth.

I took some plastic wrap and wound it around my leftovers before putting them in my pocket and poured myself a cup of water. As soon as I gave her dinner, though, I heard Estelle cry from the other room. “Hazy, you wait right here, ok?”
She looked up and nodded, and I stroked her hair reassuringly before walking to the bedroom. I picked the baby up and checked her diaper, which was clean. She was still crying, so I went to get the rest of the bottle from the fridge and heated it back up, before I put it in her mouth. She started suckling, more eagerly this time, and I sighed in relief. I sat back down on the couch, where Hazel curled up next to me. I felt… Nostalgic, looking down at the baby in my arms. I could remember when she was that small. When her mother fled…

-

I was waiting around in the alley beside the E-Z mart. The plan was simple, hold the knife to some random person’s throat and ask for their money like I saw people do on TV, then once I had it, I’d go in there and buy milk for the baby. Looking down at the knife, I felt a stab of guilt, but ignored it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all. What I couldn’t ignore, however, was the fact that I was nine years old, and everyone around me was an adult, bigger and stronger than me. Except…
I caught his eye from the dark. He looked just about my age, if not an inch or two taller, and just as scared as I felt. Without even thinking, I pulled my knife out and held it to his throat. “Give me your money.” I hissed, trying to look braver than I really was.

Without hesitation, he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a one dollar bill, but before I could grab it, a car pulled up. “Percy!” A woman yelled out of her window, before stepping out of the car and scooping him up into her arms. “Oh, Percy, I’m so glad you’re ok! Oh, geez… I know he’s scary, but you can’t just run away like that, ok?” She glared down at me. “And you…”

I felt my eyes widen in fear at the sight of the angry mother. “I-I-I…” I stuttered out. “… I-I’m sorry. About… The money.”

“I don’t care about the money! I care that you pulled a knife on my son!” After a second or two, though, her expression softened just a little. “What… Where did you even get that thing?”

“My, uh… My daddy. He keeps it on his desk. And I’m sorry for scaring him too, I-I really am. I wasn’t gonna hurt him for real, I promise! I just…” I felt tears well up in my eyes. “… I didn’t know what else to do.”

She kneeled down to my level. “What do you mean?”

“Th-the baby… It, she… She keeps crying.” I tried to explain. “Her mama went away, so she can’t get milk, and… And she won’t stop crying.”

She seemed to do a complete 180 when I mentioned my little sister. “What kind of mother… Ok, you just wait right there. I’ll go take care of it. Percy, don’t you leave this spot for anything, ok?”

She set down her son next to me and went into the store, leaving us alone to talk. “… I’m sorry your mommy ran away.” He told me. “I’d hate it if my mommy ran away. She’s the best mommy in the whole wide world and I wish every kid had a mommy like her.”

“Not mine, my sissy’s.”

His head tilted to the side. “You have different mommies?”

I nodded.

“Oh… Then why can’t yours give her milk?”

“Because I… I-I killed her.” I blinked away my tears. “I was born and I killed her. That’s what turned my daddy all scary.”

He took my hand. “… I have a scary dad too. Well, he’s not my real dad. He married my mommy, but he’s not my dad. I forget what he’s called… I just call him stinky.” He laughed to himself, and despite the situation, I laughed too.

“Well... Mine is my real daddy, but I wish he wasn’t. I wish he ran away instead…” I stiffened in fear. “Don’t tell your mommy about my daddy, ok?”

“Um…” He paused for a minute. “... Why?”

I bit my lip. “I don’t wanna get in trouble. Please, don’t tell anyone what I said.”

“... Ok. I won’t, I promise.”

Soon, she was back out of the store, with a plastic bag. Percy ran up to her and hugged her around the waist. “Mommy, mommy, you’re back!”

“Of course I’m back.” She stroked his hair. “I’m always gonna come back.”

He was jumping around her excitedly. “Remember that one time, you left me in the store, and I thought I was gonna have to be one of the store people so I cried but then one of the store people found me and brought me back to you?”

Her face flushed in embarrassment. “Yes, sweetie, I remember. You’re a little escape artist, aren’t you?” She hugged him, but when her eyes focused back on me, however, she seemed really nervous. “Ok… Do you need a ride home, sweetheart?”

I nodded and told her my address, glad I wouldn’t have to have to walk home. I’d been on my feet since that morning, and they really started to hurt.

She ushered me into the backseat with Percy, and I looked at what she got for me. There were bottles, formula, diapers, and a bag of fruit gummies too.

He apparently saw. “Mom, no fair!” He whined. “You didn’t get anything special for me.”

“Percy, we have food at home.”

“But so does he, right?”

An uncomfortable silence settled over the car. Truth be told, I didn’t. Not unless you count the box of crackers on the upper shelf, that I had to climb onto the counter to get to. But I didn’t want them to know that. What if they told someone? “… You wanna share?” I asked, trying to ignore the question.

He happily accepted, but only took the blue ones. Our fingers brushed against each other inside the bag, and I felt a surge of… Something. Something that only intensified when my eyes met his, bright, mischievous ocean green. Something that I’d learned not to trust, but still couldn’t resist. Something I grew to resent for all the ways I was punished for it, but I couldn’t deny that it was part of me.“… I-I’m Nico, by the way.” I stuttered out. “And I already know your name. It’s Percy.”

Once we pulled up to my house, I thanked her, profusely, and ran through the front door. The baby’s bawling hurt my ears and heart both, but I was relieved to hear it. I knew she was still alive.
I skimmed over the instructions and fixed her a bottle, hurrying into my room and kneeling beside my bed, pulling her out from under it. I pushed her under my bed whenever I was away or asleep, hoping to protect her a little more against my father in case he barged in.

I held it to her mouth, and she sucked it down so fast my heart broke a little. I left her here, all alone, crying out from hunger, with a man who would pulverize me over the smallest annoyance, for hours.

But I couldn’t take her with me, that alley was too dangerous for a baby. And if I stayed with her, I wouldn’t’ve run into Percy or his mom, and she wouldn’t’ve gotten her milk, and she really needed her milk.

“… I’m sorry, Hazel. I had to leave.” I muttered as if she could understand me. After she released the now empty bottle from her mouth, she cooed up at me, one of her arms escaping her baby blanket to try and grab at something on my chest.
When she succeeded, I found her tiny fist wrapped around my mother’s engagement ring, which I wore on a leather cord tied around my neck. Dad would kill me if he knew I had it, I remember he tore the whole house upside down when he thought he lost it. Her eyes seemed to light up at the glittering ruby, flanked by two black gems. She tried to put it in her mouth, but I gently took it away and tucked it back into my shirt, still holding her as I sat on the floor, my eyes drooping closed.
I wasn’t able to sleep since she started crying, so I was really tired. My best sleep was always when she was in my arms, and I was absolutely sure nothing could hurt her.

-

As I sat there in the present, my stomach quiet, the windows completely dark, surrounded by two sweet little girls, I found it hard to stay awake. Once the baby released the now empty bottle from her mouth, I set it down on the table in front of me and pulled a blanket over Hazel. Estelle seemed to be asleep already, but Hazel was more restless.

I held her closer with my free hand. “Hey… What’s wrong, bambina?”

“I don’t wanna go home.” She complained. “I wanna go to sleep here.”

I sighed. “Ok.” I should’ve called Sally and asked first, but she looked so tired, and I didn’t wanna disappoint her.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

She curled up tighter. “I-I… We forgot Dolly.”

Shoot.
Dolly was the only stuffed animal she’s ever had, and she’s had it since she was a toddler.
And she’d never spent a night without it ever since she got it.

I gave her a side-hug. “Oh, hon. I’m sorry. I didn’t think we would be spending the night, or else I would’ve brought her.”

She yawned. “It’s ok… Can I hold the baby instead?” She asked.

I smiled a little, handing her Estelle.

She smiled, her eyes fluttering closed again as she leaned against my chest, my arms crossed against her stomach, her head tucked under my chin. “… I’m still a little nervous. But the baby helps. And getting held helps too.”

“She is darling, isn’t she?” I held her tighter. “… Do you want me to sing to you again?” I asked.

Another yawn, and she squirmed a little so her left side was leaning against me rather than her back, her tiny, stick-thin legs dangling off the side of the couch. “That’d be nice…”
I pulled the blanket tighter over her, and began to sing. I don’t really have the best singing voice, and I don’t remember all the words, but if it helps her go to sleep, I’ll swallow my pride and sing anyway.

“Boys workin’ on empty
Is that the kinda way to face the burnin’ heat
I just think about my baby
I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothin’ sweeter than my baby
I’d never want once from the cherry tree
‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be
She’d give me toothaches just from kissin’ me”

I tucked a bit of hair behind her ear and smiled down at her as she yawned.

“When my time comes around
Lay me gently in the cold, dark earth
No grave can hold my body down
I’ll crawl home to her…”

As her breathing slowed. I could tell that she was asleep, so I stopped. I felt my throat catch a little. Bianca used to sing that to me when I was small, a song she only knew because mama sang it to her.
She only knew how to love because mama loved her. I would say she loved me too, but… She was so sick I doubt she could bond with me much, in the few years we were both alive… Because I was alive. I may not have killed her right away, but I sapped away so much of her, she couldn’t do anything but stay in bed. She was in love with our dad until her dying breath, and she never found out he was hitting us.
It was easier to hide back then, not as frequent. Only when we misbehaved.
Misbehaving was hard to avoid.
Bianca was jealous of our father’s love for our mother, she wanted to tell her the truth out of spite. But I begged her not to break mama’s heart.

She did as I asked, even when it made life so much harder for her.

I miss her so much. She did everything she could, but… There was this one moment that I’ll never forget.
I was talking to this older kid when she yanked me back. I complained and told her I only wanted to make friends, and she just… Blew up at me. She told me I was gonna kill her one day. That all the reckless things I did would give her a heart attack, and it would be my fault, and there would be no one left to protect me once she was gone. That she was just a kid, so why should it be up to her to know better?

That was the only time I ever saw her cry. I reached out to comfort her, but she pushed me away and yelled at me to leave her alone.
I never felt more betrayed than I did at that moment. But.. I also felt guilty.
And I never stopped feeling guilty, not even when she quieted down and came back and tried to tell me she was sorry.
I became quiet after that, anxious, always looming in the corner, out of sight, out of the way. I started thinking twice before asking her for food. I started hiding my injuries. And after that blowup, I never knocked on her door in the middle of the night when I threw up or had a nightmare, or when I was cold and wanted, more than anything, to cuddle with her for warmth.
I didn’t even tell her when…

I was eight. He was twelve. A fellow altar boy, in charge of the eucharist.
He was attractive, and charismatic, and he knew it. He knew I was gay and desperate for someone, anyone, to love me. He knew I liked him.
He knew I trusted him.
He lured me back into a broom closet, offering to let me drink the blood of christ. He kept pouring it in my mouth, until I was blacked out.
I don’t remember much of what happened when I came to, I just remember my sister chastising me for running off where she couldn’t find me, asking where I’d been, and me muttering that I’d tell her later.
I never did.

I didn’t want to make her life any harder than it had to be.

The worst part is… He looked like Percy.

-

I understand why she said all the things she said. She was stressed out more than I could’ve imagined. I know a little of what she was feeling back then, but I must’ve been a lot harder to manage than Hazel is if she was that angry.
She gave her life to protect me. I don’t just mean her death. I mean her whole life.
And I would never forget that, I’d never stop being grateful for her. I mean, if I didn’t have her to look up to, I wouldn’t know where to begin with Hazel. I wouldn’t’ve known the first thing about love or compassion if she weren’t around to teach me.
But I promised myself, when she was born, that I would never, ever talk to her like that. I’d never complain about the lengths I go to, the sacrifices I make, for her, because I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I’d never act like my love for her is begrudging, like it's some terrible curse that I have no control over, that I wished I could rid myself of.

She never got to meet her little sister.
But I do the best I can in her stead, holding myself to my word. I try to feed her when I can, comfort her when I can’t. I stay with her when she can’t sleep. Every time he gears up to hit her, I put myself in front of her.
But I’m not always fast enough, and it tears me apart to see what happens when I’m too late, to have to grab her up off the floor and rush her to the bathroom to clean her up, careful to lock the door so he can’t hurt her any worse, all the while, she’s crying, sometimes bleeding, and then I have to clean it with alcohol.
Some irrational part of me feels guilty for doing it, because I know how bad it stings, and she’s already so scared and in so much pain and I’m just piling more on. But I could never forgive myself if it got infected, and she fell ill.

I remember when she was a toddler, and she got strep throat and had to stay at the hospital. It was the worst two weeks of my life. I was so anxious that, even though her being fed by the hospital meant I could eat all my lunch, I found it hard to choke down even the very little I was used to. The worst part was having to trust them with her, having to trust that she was being cared for by strangers, people I’ve never met before and would never meet again.
Made all the worse by the fact that once she recovered, she’d be torn away from them, from the hospital room that was probably safer than her own house. That’s why I picked Dolly up from the donation box, so I could at least give her something to make up for that fact. To make up for my own failures as a caregiver. It wasn’t enough, and that nagging guilt never really goes away, especially when I consider how immature she is for her age, how small, how stunted, how easily fatigued, and I can’t help but wonder if… No, I know, without a doubt, it’s because she didn’t get nearly enough to eat in those vital early stages.

But that was years ago. She’s healthy, and happy, and safe in my arms, and so is Estelle. She and Sally and Percy and Paul… They’re almost like family to me. I was so glad she asked me to babysit tonight, I missed them ever since they moved here.
My baby girls… I’m right here with my baby girls. And we’re all nice and warm and full, everyone’s alright. Everything’s alright. Nothing can get any of us here.

Chapter Text

When I woke up, it was the next morning, and I could smell someone making pancakes. I was laying down, with a blanket spread over me, like someone had purposefully draped it over my body while I slept. I sat up and turned to see Hazel bouncing on her feet in the kitchen next to Sally. “Alrighty, there we go.” She handed her a plate, and she ran to the kitchen table to sit and eat, her short little legs swinging back and forth, unable to touch the ground. I stood up and walked over to the kitchen.

“Hey there! You’ll have to wait a little for the next one to cook, I hope that’s ok.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I just… I wanted to… Apologize.”

Her brows knit in confusion. “For what?”

“Well, I… I-I didn’t mean to fall asleep on your couch. I know I should’ve asked you first, and-“

“Sweetheart, it’s ok. You don’t have to feel bad about it. I may not have expected you to stay the night, but I’m happy to have you.”

“R-really?”

“Of course, why else would I pull the blanket over you?”

“… That was you?”

“M-hm… You’re always welcome here, sweetheart. Ok? There’s a guest room, in case you-”

“Oh, no I couldn’t.” I smiled a little. “Thanks for the offer though, Miss Jackson.”

I looked over at the knocking door, which Percy answered, revealing a tall, strong-looking boy, who wrapped his arms around him, in a hug that looked like it could snap me in half like a twig. It even seemed to knock the wind out of him. “Brother!”

“Woah, heya, big guy!” He hugged him back. “Mom!” Percy called over his shoulder. “Tyson’s here.”

I remembered Percy telling me about Tyson, about his half-brother living in their old apartment.

She turned her attention to him, stepping into the doorway to greet him as he released Percy from his grasp. “Hey hon.” She started. “What’s brought you over?”

I saw him shy away a little, like he was embarrassed. “Um… The heat’s out…” He trailed off, though even I understood.

She just nodded. “Well, the guest room is set up, so whenever you wanna lay down… But we’ve already started on breakfast, if you’d like to join us.”

He nodded and sat down to eat. “Thank you.”

“Wow…” Hazel stared up at him. “You’re really big.”

“Hazel, don’t be rude.”

He just laughed. “Well you’re really small.”

“Because I’m a kid, doofus! What’s your excuse?”

“Hazel!” I hissed. “Don’t call him a doofus, you could hurt his feelings.” I looked over at him. “I’m sorry about that. She just… Has no filter.”

Sally laughed a little. “Hey, I get it. Percy used to be the same way when he was her age.”

Percy laughed. “What do you mean ‘used to be’?” He asked.

That got everyone laughing, even me, the resident sourpuss. I could only stomach a few bites of my pancake, so I put the rest on Hazel’s plate, and for an hour or two, I was in a normal-ish family. A mother, two sons, a daughter, closer than anything. So what if only one of those sons were hers by blood? They all loved each other, and everything seemed… More or less, perfect.
But… Eventually, that had to end.
She offered an additional 10 bucks, and I felt a little guilty taking it after I’d eaten her food and slept on her couch. If anything, I should be the one paying her. Sure, I watched the baby, but I’d been having to do that since I was little. It was second nature to me at this point. But… I didn’t have the heart to say no, either. After all, Hazel was gonna need a new winter coat soon, and this could get her a cheap one, combined with the other ten from Luke. So I just pocketed it anyway. “… Thank you.” I told her, my voice and face as sincere as I could make them.

“Of course. Now, be safe, you two.”

“We’ll try, miss Jackson.” I took Hazel’s tiny hand into mine, gently pulling her towards the door. “We’ll try.”

-

I hadn’t realized just how dismal our own house was until we had to go back to it. Just the thought of returning made me feel sick. I sat on a bench, still tightly holding her hand. I couldn’t bear to send her somewhere so cold, so empty.
So I didn’t. I turned away, taking her somewhere else, anywhere else.

The thrift store.

I took her over there, and we picked out a thick, pink coat for her, brand new with bunny ears on the hood and fake white fur lining the inside. It was on the clearance rack, so it was only twelve dollars, meaning we could get her a pair of gloves, which were also bright pink, and an umbrella, with nine dollars left. The thought of getting something for myself crossed my mind, but… I shouldn’t waste money like that.
(I’m not really satisfied with this part, I wanna draw it out into a whole scene, but this is just a placeholder)

-

Once we’d paid for everything, we stayed at the park, watching the world go by. One would think she’d complain after a while about being bored, but one would be wrong. She dragged me along the paths, even trying to venture into the woods. Despite how persistent she was, I didn’t let her. I could never let anything bad happen to her, and bad things happen to little girls that go into the woods.
After a while, maybe a few hours, I started to get hungry. I was ready to ignore it like I usually did, but then I realized that she probably is too. “Hon?”

“Yeah?”

“Um… It’s getting kinda late, should I get you some lunch?”

She nodded. “That’d be good.”

I sat her down on a park bench. “You wait right here. Don’t go off with any strangers, and if they try to grab you, you scream at the top of your lungs. You kick, scratch, bite, whatever you have to do to get away, and you run to me, got it?” I waited for her to nod again, before stepping away. “I’ll be right back.”

I got to the hotdog cart I passed on the way here, and apparently they were having a buy-one-get-one-free deal, so I ended up getting two.
I was slow, tearing pieces of it off and putting them in my mouth, but she finished hers within a minute or so, and I felt bad for not picking up on it sooner. Sure, she doesn’t usually eat as much as she’s eaten today, but she also doesn’t walk around as much. Usually, she’s cooped up in her room on the weekends, watching those barbie movies on her little hello kitty tv, also donated. So I should’ve known this would happen.

She shyly tugged on my sleeve and snapped me out of my thoughts. “Um… I-I know I already ate mine, but, uh… Can I have a bite of yours?”

I nodded and gave her the rest of it. I’ve eaten more today than I usually do anyway, I’ll be alright. She’s still growing, she needs this more than I do. Besides, I wouldn’t be able to finish it anyway. Not without feeling guilty.

I was glad to see she didn’t have the same urgency as before, and even tore little bits of the bun off for the birds. “… Bubby?”

“Mhm?”

“Can I take one of them home?” She asked.

“One of… What?”

She pointed down to the small flock of pigeons gathered at her feet.

I laughed a bit. “Oh, love, no. I know they’re cute, but they’re loud, and they poop everywhere, and they need a lot of care and attention.”

She thought for a while, face scrunched up in concentration. “Like a baby.” She concluded. “I want a baby. I want a bunch of babies. One day, I’m gonna have a hundred babies, and I’m gonna love them all so much, and they’ll all love me too, and they’ll all love each other.”

“Uh oh, looks like someone’s got baby fever.” I teased. “Is this because you met Estelle last night?”

She nodded eagerly.

“Well, I should warn you, babies are a lot of hard work too. And you’ve gotta do all the nasty, smelly jobs, not just the cute ones.”

“Like changing diapers?”

I nodded.

“Ew! Babies sound gross!”

“Hey, don’t talk bad about babies. You used to be one.”

“Nuh-uh. I don’t remember being a baby.”

I laughed again. “Nobody does. Babies don’t know how to remember. But I remember for you.” I patted her head.

She looked up at me. “... Did you have to do all those icky jobs for me, then?”

I sighed. “... Yeah, I did. And it was gross. But I’d do them all again if you needed me to.” I held her close next to me. “So, do you think you could handle a baby? Even one?”

She shook her head. “Not until I’m grown up.”

“Good. So, could you handle one of those pigeons?”

“Mmh… No.” Her eyes slid closed as she cuddled closer to me.

I stroked her back. “Tired?”

“Mhm…”

“Ready to go home?” I asked, hoping the answer was no.

“I don’t wanna… But I need Dolly. And Dolly’s back there.”

I sighed, picking her up and carrying her on my hip. “Alright, let’s head home, then.”

-

I headed home and laid her on her bed, tucking her in and kissing her cheek and tucking Dolly into her arms as her eyes finally closed for a nap. It was three now, two hours before he got home, so I locked her door just in case.
I retreated to my room shortly after, changing out of my school clothes, and into the black sweatpants and shirt I wore around the house. These were the rattiest out of all the clothes I had, so I reserved them for loungewear only.
Once I’d put the other clothes up, I sat on my bed and pulled Catcher in the Rye out from underneath my pillow to read it again. I say pillow, but it’s really just a bunch of dirty clothes that I’ve stuffed into an old, empty pillowcase of mine, doubling as a laundry bag. I hide stuff in there too, stuff I don’t want my dad to find just in case he goes snooping around in my room, but I’ve found other hiding places for when I need to wash clothes. Stuffing contraband between the wall and the mattress works especially well.
I should return the book to the library, but I’ve racked up so many late fees that, by now, I’m too afraid to. Will I get arrested if I can’t pay them?
Probably.
A lot of people don’t like Holden, and I can’t blame them. He can come off pretty snotty sometimes. But I think, underneath all that, he’s a good kid. Whenever I think of Phoebe, I picture Hazel, even though she’s described completely differently. I can’t help it.

I heard the door slam, and winced instinctively, dog-earing my book and tucking it back in my pillowcase. Good thing too, because this time, he opened my door. “Where the hell were you last night?”

I bit my tongue before speaking. “Doing a favor for a friend.”

He scoffed. “Sure, a friend. Who?”

“Why do you wanna know? So you can track him down and beat him up too?”

“So it was a ‘him’, huh? Just like I thought. Y’know what? I’m not making dinner tonight. You’re probably still full from all the dick you’ve been sucking behind my back, you disgrace.”

He slammed the door, and I laid down in my bed, staring up at the ceiling. I was lucky this time, his idea of ‘making dinner’ was just microwaving some frozen bullshit and eating most of it before he allowed us his leftovers.
He can punish me all he wants, I don’t care. I just wish Hazel wasn’t getting caught in the crossfire.

I sat back up and pressed my ear against the door, finding only silence. After a few seconds, I got out of my room and knocked on her door. “Hazy? Can I come in?”

I heard the little pitter patter of her bare feet come to open her bedroom door, turning the lock open. She looked up at me, rubbing her eyes like she just woke up. “Yeah?”

I sighed. “Dad’s not making dinner tonight. You wanna cuddle with me for a bit, and fall back asleep for the day? We can watch one of your movies.”

She smiled and nodded, and I closed and locked the door behind me while she picked one out. Barbie Swan Lake, one of her favorites. The sound was down in the single digits, like it always was, but as she leaned against me, Dolly in hand, she didn’t seem to care about the music. I closed my eyes with her, and let myself sleep.

-

I was woken up in the middle of the night by him banging on the door. I felt her jolt awake in my arms, clinging to me in fear. “Get out here, now!” He demanded.

I sighed, shifting under her so I could lay her back down, tucking Dolly back in her arms. “I have to go, you stay here.”

I unlocked the door to leave, locking it again before I actually closed it so she would be safe. I had to give her the room with the lock on it, she was safer there.
Once the door was closed, I turned to face him again. “You. Clean this up. Now.” He pointed to the kitchen table, which hadn’t been used in years. We just used it for general storage, plopping down whatever needed to be plopped down.

I started over there, picking up after him. I put things away in their proper place, clean mugs in the cabinets, dirty ones in the sink.

Once I was done, I turned to leave, only for him to grab me by the back of my collar. “You really think you’re done? I got a lunch date tomorrow, and I’m not letting her see all this crap! Now you go be useful for once in your life and clean the house!”

I blinked in surprise. “A… A date? You never told me you were seeing anyone…”

“Oh, so I’m not allowed to date without your say so, am I?”

“No! No, no, I didn’t mean it like that at all-”
His hand smacked across my face, leaving me barely able to stand, leaning against the wall for support. “I-I’m sorry, sir.”

“You better be. Now go out there and get all that shit picked up!”

I sighed and nodded, turning around to do as he asked.
I wiped the kitchen table clean, did the dishes, and was now scrubbing the floor. It was three in the morning by now.

“Jesus, could you go any slower!?” He took another swig from the bottle. “You’re not the only one who has to stay up until you’re finished, y’know. I’ve gotta watch you, make sure you don’t slack off.”

I sighed. “I know.”

“Well if you know, then you should be going faster.”

I went to scrub a spot I missed, and checked over again before moving on to cleaning the oven.

After a few more chores, I finally got the kitchen, living room, and bathroom cleaned, and looked out at the sun rising through the window.
It had really taken that long?
He snapped his fingers in my face to get my attention. “Listen, I’m going out to the barber’s, and then the store. I’m hoping to get lucky tonight, so by the time I get back, my bedroom better be fucking spotless, and you and the girl better be out of the way. Got it?”

I nodded grimly, letting him brush past me on his way to the door. The minute I heard the door close, I went to his room and picked it up too, straightening the sheets and tucking his dirty clothes in the laundry bin and spraying everything down with air freshener. Once I had done enough that I figured he’d be satisfied, I went back to Hazel’s room.

I knocked on her door, and heard the little click of the lock unlatching before she opened it, looking up at me. “... I had a nightmare.”

“Oh, baby.” I kneeled down to pick her up. “Are you ok now?”

She started to cry, and I felt horrible. “I didn’t get to sleep after that, ‘cause you weren’t there to hold me!”

I held her tight and sat on her bed. “I’m sorry, Hazy. Dad was… Making me do stuff, ok?” I stroked her hair. “I’m here now. Let’s get you to bed, ok?”

She sniffled and nodded, and I got up to close and lock the door before laying down with her.

She snuggled up next to me, burying her face in my chest as I closed my eyes. I was sore, and tired, and hungry, and there would be a stranger coming over later today.

But for right now, all was right with her little world. And that’s all that matters.
I closed my eyes and slept.

-

When I opened them again, I smelled something cooking. I felt a stab of hunger, but I was used to ignoring that.
But I also had to pee.

I snuck out of the bed, making sure not to wake Hazel up, and peered out into the dining room. Sure enough, the woman he’d brought over was obliviously laughing, talking, eating.

I silently closed the door, and went to the bathroom, making sure to make as little noise as possible.

When I was finished washing my hands, I heard the door open, followed by a gasp. “Um… Sorry, who are you?”

I looked her way. “Oh, um… I-I’m his son.” I explained.

“Oh… He never told me he had a son.” She commented thoughtfully. “Well, I’m Persephone.” She held her hand out, and I hesitantly shook it. “Why don’t you come join us for dinner?”

I found it hard to disagree, so… I didn’t. I just stepped out of the way so she could use the bathroom.
Once she was done in there, she went back to the table, pulling a chair and a plate up for me.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a father?” She asked happily as I sat down, stiff and uncomfortable, but ate anyway. It was way too good for him to have made it himself. “I’ve always wanted kids, y’know, ever since the endo, I was convinced I’d never be able to become a mother.”
I sighed internally with relief. No more babies.
“But… You never told me you’d been involved with another woman before.”

“Well, I’m almost fifty. Did you really expect to be my first?” He asked. “I mean, I got this paella recipe from my first wife. She was Italian, y’know.”

Her eyes widened. “... Oh. What, um… What happened?”

He sighed. “She, uh… She passed. The second pregnancy was really hard on her.”

She looked sympathetic. “Aww, that’s terrible.” She looked over to me. “Is that why you’re an only child?”

“I’m not an only child.” I put my spoon down. If she’s gonna be involved with us, she needs to know about Hazel. “I have a sister.”

“Had.” My dad corrected. He doesn’t like talking about her. “His older sister, she… She went missing.”

I glared at him from across the table. You know what you did, you old bastard. You know you killed her. “... Right. And then there’s Hazel. She’s… She’s still alive. She’s only eight.”

His fist clenched around his spoon, and he stared me down like he wanted to scoop my eyes out with it. “... Right. From my… Second wife.”

“Oh, you had a… Second wife?”

He nodded. “Also dead.”

“Oh, jeez. Your family seems incredibly unlucky, doesn’t it?” She asked. “Well, I’d love to meet Hazel. Where is she?”

“She’s in her room. Uhh, sick.” I picked my plate up. “Speaking of, I’m taking the rest of this to her. I’m, uh… Glad I got to meet you.”

Persephone smiled. “Agreed. Well, I hope she gets better soon. Tell her I wish her well, will you?” She asked.

“Of course.” I stood up and went back to her room, with the plate still in hand. I’d only eaten a few bites, so there was still plenty for her.

I sat on her bed and shook her gently. “Hazel…” I whispered. “I’ve got lunch for you.”

She sat up and started spooning the paella into her mouth. “Thank you bubby. Tastes really good!” I smiled and stroked her hair as she ate. “Did you make it?”

“No, um… Dad did. Trying to impress his date, I guess.”

She looked up at me, confused. “You mean… He had a girl over?”

“Yeah.”

“Well… Is she nice?” She asked.

I nodded. “She seems so, yeah.” I didn’t want to get her hopes up, I’ve been burned before. Her own mom seemed great, and then she just… Left. Didn’t even take either of us with her. “I told her you were sick, and she said she hopes you feel better soon.”

“But… I’m not sick.” She left a spoonful or two, putting the plate on my lap.

“I know. But I had to explain why you were still in bed.” I looked down at the plate. “... Why did you leave some of this?” I asked, internally panicking.
Don’t say it’s for me.
Please, don’t tell me you’ve started doing that.
That you’ve started copying me.

She shrugged. “I can’t fit it all in my tummy.”

I knew there was a chance she was lying. But… I’m not gonna force her to eat if she doesn’t feel well. I learned not to do that when she was two, and I tried to make her finish her noodle cup while she was sick.
She puked everything up. And I had to get her another one.

I sighed, and swallowed my guilt as I ate the last spoonful or so from her plate.

As I left for the kitchen, sneaking over to put it in the sink, I felt… Full.
And it felt so, so wrong.
I wanted to puke my guts out.

Chapter Text

After that, we started to settle into a routine. Percy always seemed to have detention on Fridays, and while Paul’s tumor seemed to be getting better, he was still hospitalized, so I’d go over to Sally’s house and babysit, and I took Dolly with me every time.
I’d take Hazel up to their house, make us both dinner, and watch Estelle until we inevitably fell asleep on the couch. Then we’d wake up, have breakfast with the family, and I’d get 15 dollars for it, 30 when Sally got promoted to manager. It must’ve really helped, because I never got only chips for lunch after that.
We usually wouldn’t go back home immediately. Usually, we’d stay for a while in the park, or the library if it was raining or even just too cold. In fact, we usually waited until dark to start heading home, since that was when the bars would open up, so by the time we got back, dad wasn’t home, and we wouldn’t have to worry about what he’d do to us when we came through the door.
At least he had shitty aim once he was blotto.
The extra money helped us out a lot too. There wasn’t usually much to eat around the house, and she was too scared of him to get anything herself. For good reason, too. He… Tends to get real pissy about his food. And usually, she’d need me to go out there, and sometimes he’d catch me, and he wouldn’t let me take it to her when he did.

But now, I’ve been able to get a little styrofoam cooler and make a stockpile under her bed, just to ensure he never gets to any of it. I stock it up with leftovers from my lunch, the occasional leftovers from when he’d cook for Persephone, which wasn’t often as they usually went out, leaving us alone… And stuff that I’d buy just for her, on late-night expeditions to the supermarket.
She even started asking me for specific things, different snacks she wanted. It took everything in me not to cry when she started doing that, even though they were happy tears this time. I didn’t want her to realize how big of a deal this was.

She seems so much more alive, less tired, less afraid. She’s finally started to catch up to the other kids in her grade, both intellectually and socially. She was still so small for her age, so heartbreakingly small. But I still held out hope for a growth spurt. It had only been about three months since I started babysitting, after all.

Sundays were date nights for dad and Persephone. I liked her, and I liked that he actually cooked for once, which meant I could sneak us more leftovers. Sometimes, one or even both of us would tag along, and she and Hazel seemed to get along really well. I’ve even caught her calling her ‘mom’ once or twice. But the relationship seemed to be moving really fast, they even got engaged recently. She was about to move in permanently. But…
Then the snow storm hit.

“Dear, my apartment’s lost power. I’ll have to move back in with my mother until the storm is over.” She sounded so sad, and honestly, I was too. I knew Hazel would miss her.

Dad sighed. “Alright. I suppose this means we won’t be seeing each other for a while. I’ll go back and help you move in once this is all over.”

“Thank you, love.” She closed the door, and dad turned to me, glaring almost as if I’d been the one to cause the storm.

No.

He was looking at Hazel.

“Why are you still out of your room?”

Before I could sputter out an excuse for her, she broke from my grasp and ran to her room.

I tried to follow her, but he caught my wrist. “You stay here.” He slammed me into the wall. “What the hell were you thinking, rolling your sleeves up!? I had to make up some bullshit story about an accident just so you didn’t ruin this for me, like you ruin everything!”

I decided not to respond. It would only set him off more.

He huffed. “Fine, give me the silent treatment. Immature little brat.” The phone rang, and he stomped away to answer it. I used the opportunity to go back to her room and hide.

-

The next morning, we got dressed for school like always, but when I opened the door…
I couldn’t.
I looked around at the dead lights. He hadn’t paid the bill yet. I guess they got sick of waiting and cut him off until he did.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked. Once again, she ran away.

I turned around to face him, bracing myself for even more pain. “... I-I was trying to get to school-”

“You can’t. Lock’s frozen.” He took a drink from his glass. “Everything’s shut down anyway.”

I nodded, looking down at my shoes, and went to her room.

“Hey, Hazy?” I whispered. “Dad’s off work for a while, and… We’re off school too.”

She looked up at me. “How long?” She asked.

I shrugged. “Until the storm is over.”

I wish I could be excited. But… No school means no school lunches. And if the lock’s frozen, that means there’s no way out.
Even worse, it means we can’t babysit. No money, no free breakfast on Saturday, no way to get food that’s not already in the house. And I don’t know how long it’ll be before we run out of food completely, or how long we can hold out afterwards.

All I know is that we’re trapped.
And it’s December now, so her birthday’s coming soon.
I had always tried to celebrate it somehow, even if we couldn’t host a party or get a cake. But I don’t know how I could, now that we’re all snowed in.

-

We’ve been snowed in for a little over two weeks now, so I’ve had to move her to the cellar to keep her warm, since there’s a wood burning stove down there. I’ve moved her food stash down there too, and gotten the sleeping bag out so she can snuggle up right next to the fire. It’s a little unsafe, and the hardwood floors can’t be good for her back, but at least she’s not freezing to death.
As for me, I lay down every night on top of the cellar door to protect her. If she needs anything, she just has to knock, and I’ll wake up and get it for her. It’s under lock and key so he can’t get to it, and I’ve strung the key alongside my mother’s ring on my leather cord.
Still… We’re in dire straits right now. Her stash ran empty five days ago, and there’s barely anything left in the kitchen.

I’ve always tried to make sure she eats at least once a day, and I can’t let her down now that she’s finally starting to make progress, finally starting to put on some weight.

So… I’ve stopped eating.

I try to sleep more to make up for it, but… Sleep comes harder now, even when I’m tired. It doesn’t replenish anything anymore, just conserves what little energy I have left. And it drains me, it really does, every single day. I feel faint and headachey, and ironically nauseous too. He’s been hitting me more, and worse. I guess now that we’re snowed in, he doesn’t have anything else to do.
I’ve started smoking a lot more, stealing from my dad’s stash and risking another beating just to dull the sharpest edges of my hunger. I shouldn’t, I know she hates it. I hate it too. But it’s the only way I’ve been able to get through these past few days.

I’ve always tried to save the money I got from babysitting the best I could, but today was her birthday, so I went out to get her a happy meal with the very last of it.
I had to go through the cellar door to do it, and by the time I got there, I couldn’t feel my fingers.

Once I got it, I walked back home and knelt down, opening the cellar door and going down the stairs, locking the door behind me as soon as I was able to. Once I was downstairs, I set the happy meal down in front of her and went to tear up some loose wooden floorboards to toss into the stove, since the flame was getting low.
I opened the gate and set them in, watching the fire flicker and jump onto the newest addition to the pyre, pulling out a cigarette from my pocket, lighting it with the fire before closing the gate again and taking a drag.

She groaned from behind me. “I really hate those things.” She complained. “You know they’re bad for you, right?”

“Shut up! I don’t like it either, ok!?” I snapped, and immediately regretted it when I saw the expression of pure terror on her face. “… Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell, I didn’t mean to scare you, I… I’m so sorry. Please, I… I’m sorry for yelling at you. I didn’t mean it, I promise. I just… I’m just a little cranky. Please don’t be scared of me.”

She relaxed a little, but still seemed upset. “You’ve been cranky a lot lately…”

I sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ‘cause you’re hungry, isn’t it?”

My face got warm, and I didn’t respond. What would be the point of arguing?

She looked up at me, big brown eyes concerned and loving. “You want some of mine?”

“Oh, honey, no. I’m not gonna take food out of your-” I was interrupted by her shoving a handful of fries into my mouth.

Suddenly, my appetite caught up with me, and I scarfed the darn things down faster than I ever had. I needed this. Holy crap, I needed this. Before I could even realize what happened, I found myself shaking the box upside down into my palm, hoping for any stray bits left over.
I sighed, looking down at the empty fry box in my hands, then back to Hazel. “… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to eat all of them.”

“It’s okay. You always give me some of yours.”

“But you’re a growing girl, you need it more than I do.” I gave her a side hug. “… Thank you, though. You’re very kind. I just… Wish you didn’t need to.”

She hugged me back. “Of course I’m gonna. I wanna help… C-can I get in your jacket?” She asked timidly.

“Of course, baby.” I unzipped my dad’s hoodie and bundled her up inside of it before zipping it back up again, her back against my chest as I shared the measly body heat I generated with her. She’s still small enough to fit… That’s probably why she gets so cold so easily. Then again, anyone would be with a snowstorm raging outside for over a week straight, no sign of stopping and only one source of heat. But she’s wearing her new winter coat right now, it should be helping her more than this. “There we go… Is that better?” I asked, grabbing Dolly up from the floor and handing it to her.

“M-hm.” She snuggled up to me and yawned, her tiny hands clutching the toy. “I love you so much, bubby…” Slipped out of her mouth just as her eyes slid closed. She doesn’t normally fall asleep so fast, but I know it’s easier with a full stomach.
It just hurts to know that, no matter what I do, it’s not enough. That even with everything I do for her, she’s still so unhealthy, so unsafe. She’s never going to be totally safe, as long as she’s in this house.
And there’s no way to get her out until she turns eighteen.
I hate the jealousy boiling up inside of me, for Percy of all people. But I couldn’t deny it.
At least Gabe wasn’t an officer.

-

I don’t remember how old I was, but it was the first time I remember seeing Bianca get hit, and my tiny heart was full of rage. “I’m telling!” I shrieked at the top of my lungs, before running off to the landline.

I punched in 911, but before anyone answered, he yanked the phone out of my hand. “Do you wanna spend the rest of your life in the slammer?” He hissed. “Because that’s what’ll happen if you try to get a cop in trouble.”

I looked up at him, scared, confused, cheek still stinging. “Th-that doesn’t s-seem fair…”

He scoffed. “Life’s not fair, kid.” He put the phone to his ear and put on his disguise again. “Hey, yeah. Sorry about that, my stupid kid thought this was a toy phone. So sorry for wasting your time. Have a good rest of your day, thanks.” He hung up, and glared back at me. “You’re lucky I didn’t tell them what really happened.”

I don’t remember what happened after that.

There’s a lot I don’t remember.

-

Even when I turn eighteen, and that’s a year and a month from now, I won’t be able to move out. If I did, I’d be leaving her to fend for herself, and I can’t do that to her.

I can’t let her stay here either.

I don’t know what to do. Is there anything to do? Or are we both just… Doomed?

Well… There is one option.
I could drop her off somewhere, a fire station or a hospital, and… Leave her. They won’t ask questions, they’ll just… Take her in. She’d be a child of the state.

It would rip me apart, and probably her too, but… She would be safe. She’d have stability, resources, and one day, she could get adopted into a loving family.

I just don’t have the heart to do it.

I thought back to Solomon’s verdict. I could either be the true mother, to do the responsible thing and hand her over, because even if I never see her again, the knowledge that she’s safe should be enough. Or I could be selfish, keep her trapped in this hellhole, let him cut her in half time and time again purely so I can be the one to put her back together.

And every day I don’t give her up, I’m choosing the latter.

But… Then I thought of Leo. How they handled him, and how he turned out. How many scars he had from failed fosters, mentally and physically, and how deep both sets ran. How excited he was to finally have a family that loved him, that he felt safe with… Only for my dad to take that all away. Who knows what he’s doing now, he’s probably still in juvie thanks to that bastard.

I don’t want that for her, and if I give her up, there’s a very real possibility that that’s exactly what’ll happen. Hell, most kids her age don’t get adopted at all. It’s not fair, but it’s true. Most people are selfish, and when they adopt a kid, it’s purely because they’re unable to conceive, but they still want to pretend that they have, and they can’t do that with a kid old enough to have memories of their old family. And one as traumatized as her? Forget about it. No, kids like her just age out of the system and get dumped out by the side of the road. I can’t let that happen to her.
I forced my eyes to close, struggling to get my brain to turn off as I slipped us both into the sleeping bag.

-

When I next woke up, it was to Hazel tugging on my shirt. “… Bubby?”

I opened one of my eyes. “Yeah?” I asked. “What is it, little one?”

She whined a little. “I’m hungry again.”

I sighed. “Alright. You wait right here, I’ll get you something to eat.” I unzipped my jacket and wrapped it around her before sitting up. “Stay warm, ok?” I urged, pulling the built-in blanket over her. I stood up, climbed the stairs, and opened the door, crawling out from under it as I went into the kitchen. Surely, there had to be something…
The fridge was empty, the cabinets were empty, the pantry… In desperation, I looked in the junk drawer.
Oh thank god, cough drops! Five of them… That’s five days before we’re completely out, if I only let her have one a day.

But… Only one isn’t nearly enough. Surely she’ll need more than that. She’ll probably want all five of them over the course of today, and I won’t be able to say no to her.

“Fuck.” I muttered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” I was on the verge of tears. What the hell was I supposed to do? I guess I could stoop to dumpster diving, but we do have some dignity, and who knows what kinds of diseases she could catch from that? I’d much sooner shoplift. Then again, if I do that, I could get arrested, and then she’d be left with nobody to comfort her, protect her, feed her. But I would have to do one or the other, and soon. Because I couldn’t bear the thought of having to go down there and tell her this is all we have left. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic.
I looked at the knife block on the counter, and for a terrifying moment I…
I clutched my right hand in reflex. No. Things aren’t nearly bad enough for that.

I felt a rough hand grab me by my hair. “You shut your goddamn mouth you sniveling brat.” He slurred, before slamming my face into the wall and breaking my nose.

I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

I tried to flee, but he grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to reckon with his unshaven face, eyes glowing with fury, a dribble of vomit dried onto the corner of his mouth. “Do you have any clue how humiliating it is to show my face at the bar now that everyone knows my son’s a queer!?” His nails dug into my skin.

I matched his hate-filled glare. “Then why do you keep going back?” As soon as I said it, I wished I hadn’t. Now I was really in for it.

“How dare you!? I’m the reason you were even conceived, and all you’ve done is take and take and take! You take my money, you take my food, you take my cigarettes, you took my wife! And you have the gall to make me put up with that kind of disrespect in my own home? You ungrateful, worthless, pathetic little faggot!” He backhanded me so hard I almost thought my neck would snap, and I crumpled to the ground in my weakened state. “I oughta teach you a lesson.” I heard the unbuckling of a belt and sat up again, only to be immediately smacked in the face with it, agitating my still-forming bruise from his slap and making me lay down. From there, he aimed everywhere there was skin, everywhere I would feel it. My nose was still bleeding, and I didn’t fight back.
Not even when he started using the buckle.
Not even when he started kicking.

He kicked me, over and over, in the ribs, in the stomach, in the head, all the while, still screaming insults. He aimed for my leg, and I felt something snap. Still, I didn’t fight back. That would only drag this out longer, and besides, I was too weak… Too weak to even keep my eyes open.
I passed out. For a minute, an hour, I’m not sure.

-

“And you!” He barked, making my eyes snap back open to find that he’d turned his attention away from me.

Towards Hazel.

Shit, why did I forget to lock the door!?
He grabbed her by the shoulders. “You’re a goddamn mistake! You never should’ve been born!” He grabbed an empty bottle, and I struggled to get up, to take the blow for her like I always have, but I just couldn’t. She ducked just in time, thank god, but he picked her up and threw her against the wall the bottle had smashed into. Not pinned her like he had me, but threw her.

I heard something crack.

In that moment, I forgot about my pain, about my fear, about myself entirely.
I limped over there, picked up the broken bottle he’d thrown at her, and stabbed him in the gut with the jagged edges, over and over again. Even when he dropped to the floor, I kept stabbing him, I wanted to murder him a thousand times over.

He killed her. She’s the most precious thing in the world to me, and he killed her.

As I was catching my breath, standing over his unconscious, bleeding body, I heard a faint whimper behind me.
She’s alive!
I let out a sigh of relief, but as I turned around, the terror shining in her eyes made my heart drop to my stomach. I limped over to her and knelt down to her level, reaching out in an attempt to hold her face, but she flinched away, huddling up in the corner, eyes squeezed shut. “Baby… It’s ok, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

One of her eyes popped back open. “… Y-you… You h-hurt daddy…”

“I know, but I had to, baby. He hurt you, and he was gonna hurt you even worse.”

“D-do you th-think he’s d-… D-dead?”

“I don’t know, sweetheart. Look, I know you’re scared, but you’re gonna have to trust me, ok?”
She nodded, still shaking, and let me scoop her up into my arms. “Shh, it’s ok… It’s gonna be ok…” I began to stroke her hair in an attempt to calm her down, when I noticed something… Sticky… on the back of her head. My stomach iced over, and I dropped the baby voice. “We need to get you to a hospital. Now.” I grabbed for his phone and dialed 911, still holding her with my other arm.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I, um… There’s been an accident, and my little sister… She hit her head. And it’s bleeding, and she’s scared, and what do I do?”

“Ok, calm down. I’ll send you an ambulance right away, what’s the address?”

I told her.

“Alright, I’ve sent an ambulance to your location. In the meantime, the most important thing is to stop the bleeding, and make sure her head stays as still as humanly possible. Go get a towel or something, hold it to the area. Make sure to apply pressure to the wound, and don’t let her fall asleep.”

I nodded, before realizing it was a phone call. “Ok, I understand. Thank you.” I hung up and ran to get one of my shirts. We didn’t have clean towels at the house. I pressed it to the back of her head, scared of hurting her, but not wanting to let her bleed out. “Shh, it’s ok. It’s ok, it’s all gonna be ok.”

I tried my best to calm her down, and once she wasn’t shaking anymore, I realized I couldn’t let the paramedics see my father’s unconscious, possibly dead body. Did I feel bad about that? A little bit. But they’d have questions, questions I didn’t want to answer.
I scooped her up and limped over to the front door, forgetting about the door until I had tried to open it.
I had to go back through the cellar, sitting down with her on the front steps as I zipped her up in my hoodie again, hoping against hope that it would keep her warm enough while we waited for the ambulance, the rise and fall of her chest the only thing that reassured me she’d be okay.

I looked out on the iced-over roads, worrying how long they’d be.
If they’d even come.

-

It seemed like hours before I saw the ambulance. “Oh, thank god you’re here!” I stood up, handing her to one of the paramedics. “Here, take her.”

“Not so fast, mister.” Said one, the other gathering her up without a word, putting her on a gurney. “Let me see your leg.”

“What?”

He put his hands on my shoulders and sat me down on the steps, pulling out my right leg. “… Yep. It’s broken. You shouldn’t be walking on it, young man.”

I shrugged. “It doesn’t hurt that bad-“

“Adrenaline is one hell of a drug. It may not feel too bad now, but trust me, when it wears off, it’s gonna hurt like a bitch.” He picked me up and laid me onto a second gurney, rolling me next to Hazel, who was passed out and hooked up to all sorts of delicate technology keeping her here. Her life was literally hanging by a thread.

The ride to the hospital was a blur, and so was the slew of people asking my name, date of birth, address, the schools we went to, again and again and again once we got there. All I could focus on was Hazel, worrying about her, wanting to comfort her, check on her, at least know she’s ok. They gave me vitamin pills, water, and a meal replacement shake, which I drank before anything else. I eventually got all the pills down too, and looked up at the nurse. “Now sleep.” She commanded, but I couldn’t. My heart was beating a mile a minute, and my hands were shaking.

“Hazel.” I whimpered. “Let me see Hazel.”

“No. You’re not permitted to leave this hospital bed and won’t be for a while. Now drop it, you need to sleep.”

“I don’t need to sleep, I need to see her. I need to know that she’s ok.”

“Look, I understand your concern, but you’re bedridden. You’re too weak to-“

“I don’t mind being put in a wheelchair. I really don’t. If that’s what it takes for me to see her, to see for myself that you’re giving her the best treatment you possibly can and not just sitting on your asses playing cards, I’ll do it. Hell, I’ll get on my hands and knees like a dog, I don’t care.”

“Look, your dedication is admirable, but it’s getting in the way of your healing. We’re not letting you leave this bed until you’re well enough. For the last time, go to sleep.”

I wanted to snap at her that I didn’t give a damn about my healing, but instead, I bit my tongue. They could sedate me if they wanted to.

So I just laid down and closed my eyes, pretending to sleep, all the while, still worrying, worrying, worrying.
Eventually, my body gave out, and I couldn’t stay awake any longer.

Chapter Text

I woke up to a tray on my lap with eggs, bacon, and a carton of milk. Even though I knew I should eat as much as possible while I still could, I didn’t want to build up my stomach’s expectations. Besides, it was hard to convince myself to eat anything at all. Putting the nausea aside, I just didn’t feel hungry, I guess because I wasn’t literally starving anymore. And even the milk left me with the guilty, heavy feeling that always came with fullness.

After a while, a nurse came in. A different one this time.

She was tall, strong looking, with dark skin and white, close-clipped, curly hair. The nametag on her scrubs read ‘Josephine’.
I… Recognized her.

Maybe this wasn’t her, maybe she just looked like her and shared a name.

Leo’s mom. Or, one of his moms.
I remembered him. Remembered how he hugged me and cried when he found out he was being adopted, because he thought he’d have to run away again.
How excited he was to realize that the women who adopted him actually… Cared about him.

“Are you gonna finish that?”

I looked up at her, startled, before looking down at my plate.
I felt guilty for wasting food, but shook my head, lacking the energy to speak. Even feeling the milk sloshing in my belly filled me with near-unbearable shame. I felt dirty, I felt like a selfish, greedy pig. But I could push that feeling down long enough to finish my carton.

The nurse shook her head and wrote something on her clipboard, I assume ’noncompliant’, before taking my tray up. “Did you know you’re suffering from a blood infection?” She asked.
I looked up and shook my head.
“Well, you are.” She continued. “And we’re gonna have to put you on antibiotics. And those antibiotics need to be taken with food.”

I was still a little groggy, but I found a way to turn on my voice again. “Does milk count?” I asked.

She shook her head. “I’ll get you a protein shake, and then you’re taking your pills.”

I nodded, watching her leave. “… Can I see Hazel?” I asked.

The nurse sighed, turning back to face me. “No, you still can’t visit her.”

This time, I didn’t fight.

I just laid down on my back, and closed my eyes.

-

We met at the food pantry, but before I had to use it. Before Bianca’s death, before the incident with the wine. No, instead, I was being a good altar boy and helping the old church ladies stock it. I felt bad that I didn’t have any donations of my own, but I could still put other people’s on the shelves.
I’d been alone at that point, left to push cans of corned beef and juice barrels under the lowest shelves, just so they’d be out of the way.

“Hey, man. Can you, uh… Help me get this thing down?” He asked, pointing up to a tub of peanut butter. “I just need you to hold me up so I can grab it.”
I did as he asked, grabbing him by the waist to lift him up a little. Once I did, he immediately broke into it, and a pack of crackers he’d been carrying under his arm. “Thanks.” He held the box of crackers out to me. “I’m Leo.”

I smiled softly. “Nico.” I declined his offer, but decided to keep talking to him.

I don’t remember what about, but I found things out about him. That he was planning on running away, because the foster home he’d been placed in was really bad and scary, even though he’d made friends with some of the other kids there. He was sad to leave, but he had to. So this food run was his last gift to them.

We kept running into each other after that. He knew more about my situation than I’d told anyone before, or since.
He believed me when I told him I’d go to jail if word got out about my father, and when I had to go back to school after Hazel had been born, he snuck her into his new house with Jo and Emmie, watching over her without letting them know what was going on. He had been homeschooled ever since they adopted him, at his own request. He didn’t wanna go back to school, since he’d gotten bullied so heavily, and he was scared of large crowds anyway.

Everything seemed great. Percy and his mom had just escaped Gabe, Leo was finally being taken care of, and I had people I could rely on. Even though she was two at the time, and could walk and hide by herself, I still left her with him sometimes.
Until…

Until dad showed up.
He was on duty when approached me, slamming the cop car’s door and looking at me with murder in his eyes. Without even saying a word, he turned off his body cam and started to beat me up, far worse than he’d ever done before.

Leo started screaming for help, and he got up to try and run home, but before he could, my dad pounced on him, pinning him down to the ground while he handcuffed him, then dragged him kicking and screaming to the police car.

“You. Get in the car.” Dad and I looked at each other for a minute, and I considered getting up to run and hide, but before I could, he grabbed me too. “Come on!” He threw me in the back with Leo.

I was too shocked to speak for a while, but eventually, I had to ask. “... Why?”

He looked at us from the rear view mirror. “I’ve seen him hanging around you. He seems like a bad influence.”

It was then that Leo spoke up. “You think I made your son gay?”

My dad’s eyes got wide with rage. “... Excuse me?”

My heart stopped, and I turned to Leo. “... Leo… What the fuck did you just do?”

“I thought he already knew!” He tried to defend himself. “You told me he kept calling you a-”

“You two shut up back there!” He pulled up to the station, and suddenly, everything clicked for me.

Leo just got arrested.

I don’t remember much of the process, all I remember is that Leo got blamed for my dad beating me up.

He really milked it, the whole ‘look how badly he injured my son’ angle. He didn’t need to, though.

Leo had gotten arrested before. He’d told me as such.

They had already made up their minds. And now, he’s locked up, never to see his parents, or me, ever again.

-

When I woke up, it was noon, and she’d brought me a protein shake with my pills again. I asked her if I could see Hazel now, and she said no. It was the same story for dinner too.

The next time she told me I couldn’t see her, I didn’t fight her on it. Or the next, or the next, or the next after that.
I was afraid for her, so very afraid. But I was also weak, and as the days went by, I was only marginally stronger. I would’ve healed faster if I ate solid food, but I wasn’t gonna do that. I couldn’t. I’d be sick if I did.

They put my leg in a cast and hooked me up to an I.V bag full of pain medicine and even more antibiotics, I had to take half a dozen pills every day, and a protein shake every mealtime. The nurses would always stare me down, watching me as I finished the bottle.
I didn’t like it. I felt like they were judging me for how much I was drinking, which made me go slower, which dragged the whole thing out.
But I didn’t complain.

I never complained.

“You have a visitor.” The nurse told me a few days later. “Two, actually.”

I sat up a little on my bed and watched the door carefully. Please don’t be dad, please don’t be dad, please don’t be-...

As soon as I saw Percy and his mother, I relaxed. “Oh, it’s just you two.”

“Hey…” Sally sat next to me on one of the visitor’s chairs, Percy on the other. “We were coming to pick Paul up from the radiation therapy, he’s finally well enough to go home. But… We saw you in the window.”

“Oh…” I reached down to pick at the sheets.

Percy looked especially worried. “We were wondering where you’ve been. It’s Christmas Eve.”

“Wait, really?” I must’ve been in here for… 6 days, then.

“So, what happened?” She asked. “It seems pretty bad, with the cast and all.”

I didn’t even know where to start, but I knew I had to tell her the truth. “...I… My dad… He…” I looked to Percy. “I can’t say it.” I whispered, ashamed.

He nodded grimly, and turned to his mom, muttering something I couldn’t hear, but understood. Something that made her eyes go wide with shock. Then, louder. “He told me not to tell anyone.”

Poor Sally looked like she was about to be sick. “I should’ve known...” She choked out. “I… I should’ve known something was wrong.”

I couldn’t stand to see her like this. “No, I… I never told you. I hid it from you.”

“Why?” She asked.

I shrugged. “... He’s a cop.”

“But why didn’t you tell me?” She asked. “... You know I would’ve believed you, right?”

I went silent.

“... Right?”

I wasn’t sure what to say for a while, but I finally got the words together. “I thought you’d call someone..” I sighed. “... I’ll get in trouble with the police if I tried to get him arrested, and you would too. Then we’d all be in jail, except for him.”

Her eyes widened. “... You thought you’d be arrested for telling the truth?” She asked. “Who told you that?”

I stared down at my hands, licking my dry lips. “... My dad.” I croaked out.

I wasn’t even looking at her, but I could imagine the sympathetic look she had on her face. “... Nico… He lied to you.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “I… Maybe. But if it was true…”
But of course it wasn’t.
Why would he tell the truth, rather than letting me try and getting arrested for real? That seems like something he’d do.
Why would he warn me, if not to scare me away from escape?
“... He’s gonna kick my ass when I get back home.”

“No, he’s not.” I looked back up at her, her eyes now smoldering with anger. “Because I’m not letting you go back to that house. You’re staying with us, in the guest bedroom. At least until we can find something more permanent. And when she wakes up, we’re taking her too.”

I nodded, still processing what she told me.
She was gonna take us in.
We would never have to deal with him again.

“… Thank you.” I muttered, barely over a whisper. If I spoke a single word more, I would’ve started crying. I don’t cry. I haven’t cried in years, and I wasn’t about to start now.

“She won’t be waking up for a few weeks.” The doctor interrupted.

I felt all the blood drain away from my face. Shit. No. Don’t cry, don’t cry. “What?”

“Don’t worry. She is in a coma, but it’s medically induced. We can pull her out of it at any time, it just wouldn’t be wise to do so at this stage of the healing process, since she’s got a lot of complicating factors. Rest assured, though, it’s all under control.”

I nodded. “O-ok.”

-

That night, I couldn’t sleep. All I could do was stare at the door. It’s been so long, and they still haven’t let me see Hazel yet. She was stuck in a coma, completely at the mercy of the world around her, and I couldn’t even hold her hand.

It was all so unfair.

-

They came to get me the next day, apparently it was only then that I could be taken off of my IV. They warned me to be very careful not to let my wounds get infected, or they’d have to start the whole process over again.
On the bright side, I didn’t need the pills anymore either.

“Ok, hon. Let’s get you out of here.” She stood over me, smiling. “Percy, would you help him into his chair?”

He nodded and lifted me up as I struggled to hold as much of my own weight as I could without putting any on my broken leg. Once I was in the wheelchair, a pair of crutches were laid across my lap, the only reason I couldn’t use them being that I was still pumped up full of pain killers. A bottle of them was also pressed into my hands.

“Thanks.” I muttered, not daring to look up at him. I didn’t wanna face anyone.

“Of course, honey.” Sally answered as I was pushed throughout the hospital, and out to the parking lot, where Paul’s beat up Prius was parked.

As soon as I was lifted into the backseat, and had buckled the seatbelt over myself, I was out like a light.

-

After a while, I woke back up to find that the car had stopped moving. “We’re here.” She said, soft and sweet.

“Ok.” I looked down at the crutches, unsure of how to use them. After a while, I heard someone knock on the window. I jumped, looking at the window, and-
It was Percy.
I sighed. “Oh, it’s just you.”

He looked sad. “Yeah… It’s just me. What’s wrong? You… You haven’t gotten out of the car yet.”

“Nothing, it’s just, um… I’ve, uh, never used crutches before.”

Percy sighed. “Alright, let me show you.” He opened the door and held his hand out, and once I’d given them to him, he demonstrated how to do it. “Now, you try. Be careful, it’s slippery.”

I nervously stepped out of the car, slowly making my way behind Sally as she unlocked the door. Once it was open, I made my way inside after her, standing next to the doorway.

“Nico, hon?” I looked up at Sally, finding it difficult to speak. Impossible even. I felt… Numb. But also afraid, somehow? “Do you need anything?”
I shook my head. What else could I do?
“Well… Ok. Should I tell Paul?” She asked.

“... Tell him…?”

“About… About your father.” She looked like she was about to burst into tears when she mentioned him.
I shrugged. I didn’t know what else to do.
“Ok, well… You seem tired, maybe you should lay down.”

I groaned a little, and nodded, my crutches awkwardly carrying me to the guest room. Once I was on the bed, I buried myself in the covers and let the numbness wash over me, closing my eyes and letting everything go slack.

For once, everything was soft.

Chapter Text

I heard the door open again today. I don’t remember how long it’s been, but long enough to establish a pattern. Sally would make something, Percy would check on me, ask if I wanted to join. And I’d say no.

It’s not that I wasn’t hungry. But I was… Used to it. No, more than that, I used it as comfort. As a physical reminder that I wasn’t being selfish.

Paul came back from the hospital at some point, I wasn’t sure what date, but I know it happened. I wish I cared more, but I just… Felt so tired. Constantly. I wasn’t even sure if I was in the new year yet.

This time, though, I heard his footsteps approach. “Look, if you don’t wanna talk, that’s fine. But you need to eat. Mom made cinnamon rolls, so…”

I buried my face deeper into my pillow. “I can’t.” I complained, muffled through the soft cotton stuffing.

I heard Percy sighing next to me, setting a plate down on the nightstand. “Please. Come on, just a little?”

“I told you, I can’t. What if… What if she never wakes up?”

I felt the weight of his body dip the mattress down. “What if she does? And she finds out her brother starved himself to death while she was asleep?”

I paused for a minute, gathering the energy to sit up in bed, and propped myself up on my palms, looking up at him for the first time. I silently leaned on him, my arms dangling limply as I let myself collapse into a ragdoll, knowing he’ll catch me. For days now, I haven’t been able to stomach the thought of another’s touch, but he was… Different. “... I…” The words feel so foreign in my mouth, but I say them anyway. “... I’m scared.”

“I know. But this isn’t doing her any good.” He sighed. “... Would it help if we paid her a visit tomorrow?”
I nodded, and he put an arm around my waist. “Then that’s what we’ll do. Now come on and eat.”

He picked the plate back up, letting the other hand take the plate as his first one held the cinnamon roll in front of me.
I ate directly from his hand, the first solid food I had since my first day in the hospital. The first thing I ate at all since I got here. It was soft and warm and sweet, and I ate quickly at first, soon slowing down to enjoy it.
Enjoy him.
After I ate the last bite, I snuggled up to him, he was warm too, and watched as he licked the frosting off of his fingers. The fingers that fed me, that brushed the corners of my mouth. It was the most vulnerable, most intimate thing I’d ever done with anyone.

And it was with him.

Because I felt safe with him.

I closed my eyes and started falling asleep on his chest. I felt his hands stroke my hair, and… I cried.
It’s suddenly rushing back to me, this deep, aching hole in my heart, the place from which I pull all my love. This crushing pressure on my chest, the panic and the dread and the guilt suffocating me. My skin, ravenous for loving touch, so rare and coming, always, from such small, helpless hands.
I have held such a precious little thing, which I cherish and adore with all my heart.

But all these years, I have not been held.
I have not been anyone’s precious little thing.
Until now.

He didn’t even say anything. He seemed to understand. He just ran his hands down my back, a soothing, intoxicating motion. He could ease my pain so effortlessly, pain I assumed was inescapable. And it made me fall even deeper in love than I had been for so long.

Yes. I loved him.
And that scared me.
But I didn’t care right now.

I wasn’t sure how long I cried for, I just know that eventually, I ran out of tears, ran out of energy, and I fell asleep in his arms.

-

When I woke up, light filtered through the window, the dark blue curtains cracking to make a little stripe that fell on the doorknob, shining like it was polished.

I actually decided to get out of bed today, grabbing the crutch propped up on the nightstand. I only needed one now, and the only reason I knew that was because I had to keep getting up and going to the bathroom. Sure, it hurt just a little bit, but nothing I wasn’t used to.

I went to the bathroom, not because I actually had to go, but just so I could wash my face a little. I successfully avoided looking my reflection in the eye again, and went out to the bedroom, poking my head out the door and into the living room, watching Miss Jackson set up the table.

I walked out and shut the door behind me. “Hey, um… Do you need any help?”

She looked up. “Hm? Oh, no. I’m almost done, you just sit.”

I silently sat at the table, watching as everyone else filed in for breakfast. Paul was gaunt and sickly, totally bald. I was told he was doing better, but it really didn’t seem like it. I didn’t have any way to compare though, so maybe it was true. But if it was… I hate to think how he was doing before, when the cancer first came back.

Percy was the last to come out, sitting right next to me, one plate in each hand. Breakfast was quiet, I barely ate anything. I felt like the three of them were staring at me, worried. Though, Paul didn’t seem to have much of an appetite either. I guess it was the chemo pills.

“Hey.” He looked up at me, his voice weak. “She told me you’d be staying here for a while, she didn’t say how long.”

“Oh, um… It won’t be-”

“Don’t worry about it. I just, uh… I just wanted to welcome you in.”

“Oh… Ok. Thanks.”

Once we were finished eating, I made my way out to the car, and sat next to Percy. Paul had decided to come along with us, I’m not sure why.

-

I looked down at her, hooked up to an oxygen mask, covered in bandages. She was so… Still. So peaceful.
I wanted to cry.
This was probably the best sleep of her life.

I sat down on one of the visitor’s chairs, holding her hand tightly. I wanted to curl up next to her, I wanted to cuddle her and make sure she knew everything was gonna be ok.
But I couldn’t. I’d mess up the wires somehow, I just knew it.
The corners of my vision became blurry.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and flinched away, before looking up to realize it was the doctor. “Oh… Sorry.”

“It’s alright, I have a tendency to sneak up on people.” He cleared his throat. “I, um… I know it’s hard to look at. But remember, she needs this.”

“I know.” I squeezed her hand, holding it up to my mouth so I could kiss it. “I love you.” I looked back to the doctor. “She’s gonna be ok, right?”

“Of course. But you’ll have to prepare for when she wakes up, because we’re not sure when it’ll be. Make sure she has everything she needs to stay calm.”

Suddenly, I felt a sinking realization in the pit of my stomach.

I forgot Dolly.

I have to go back.

-

That night, I snuck out of the house through the back door, looking around, trying to find dad’s house. There was just one thing I need to do, get in, get Dolly, get out, everything’s fine.

It was agonizingly slow to use even the singular crutch, but eventually, I got there. The snow still hadn’t melted off the door enough for me to get in that way, and stairs were a no-go, so I went in through the back.

When I got in, I cautiously looked around the corner to find him lying right where I’d left him.

I went in and got Dolly, and while I was at it, I got my book back from inside of the pillowcase. It was hard to carry everything with one hand, but… I didn’t care.

But then, I didn’t go straight out of the house. No… I went back to the living room, standing over my dad’s body.
And I kicked the shattered bottle deeper into his stomach with my cast-bound foot. As hard as I could.
I’m not sure why. It wouldn’t do anything, he was already dead.
Or so I thought.
Because he started groaning.

Before I could even tell if I’d imagined it or not, I was already out of the house, away from the street. My leg hurt like hell with every step, but using the crutch slowed me down, so I was just carrying it under my arm, Dolly and my book in the other.

I ducked into a convenience store after a while of running, just trying to catch my breath. “Woah, hey there… Looking to buy anything?” He asked.

I looked over at the cashier. “No, I just…” I recognized him. “... Luke?”

He seemed to recognize me. “... Uh. Yeah. Nico, right? From the train?”

I nodded silently. “... Hey.”

Luke’s two-tone eyes filled with pity. “Were you trying to steal from here?” He asked. “I mean, go ahead, the cameras are broken. No alarm system either.”

I sighed. “... No. I was just, uh… Running from someone.”

He nodded. “Yeah. These streets are pretty brutal, I’m glad I’ve got a place of my own now. You wanna go to the break room? We can sit and talk about it.

I still didn’t trust him, even with all the help he’s offered. I didn’t know him that well. But… My leg really hurt. I needed to sit down.
So I followed him into the break room.

As I sat down on the plastic chair, and him on his, he slid a box of cigarettes across the table. “No pressure, just… If you want.” He slid a lighter across the table too.
I accepted, lighting it up and putting it to my mouth. I tried to offer them back, but he refused. “Keep ‘em, the lighter too. I can get another.”

I smiled around the cigarette, taking a puff and holding the smoke in my lungs, erasing hunger I hadn’t even realized I’d been feeling. I hadn’t eaten lunch or dinner, though, so I supposed it made sense. “Thanks.”

“No problem… So, how’s the kid doing?”

I felt my smile slip off my face, as I removed the cigarette from my lips and held it between my fingers, looking down at the glowing embers on its other side.

I felt the biting kiss of those embers everywhere, my wrist, my neck, my hip. “Oh no.” He muttered, snapping me back to the present.
I looked over, watching his eyes shine with terror. “She didn’t… She’s not dead, is she?”

“No.” I didn’t even let the possibility sink in. “No, she… She came close, but… She’s ok. Well… She’s gonna be ok, anyway. She’s in a coma right now.”

“Jesus christ.” He muttered, before smiling down at me. “Y’know what, kid? You’re pretty alright. Care for a ride home?”

I smiled, taking the last drag of my cigarette before it was nothing but a filter, and grinding it into the ashtray between us. “Sure. Well, not my home, but… Where I’m staying, y’know?”
I don’t know why I told him that.
But with his messy, curly blonde hair, his heterochromic eyes, the scar across his face… He looked like the polar opposite of Percy, who always wanted to help, who treated me like a wounded animal. The polar opposite of the boy who bore his face, the boy who took advantage of me all those years ago, who I never saw again.
He was relaxed, and he made me relax.
I told him that because I felt like I could, I decided.

-

Her jaw dropped open as her eyes flitted down to the ratty plush lamb in my hand. “… You didn’t.” She whispered.

I looked down at my shoes. “… Yeah. I did.”

She wrapped her arms around me suddenly. “Oh honey, are you ok? He didn’t find you, did he?”

I froze up, still unaccustomed to loving parental touch. “Um, I, no. No, he didn’t.”

“Thank god! Don’t you ever do anything like that again.” She squeezed me tight. “Oh honey… Let’s get you back to bed, ok?”

I nodded, and she let me go.
I went to put the lamb on the guestroom night stand, before laying on my back.

I pulled the cigarette box out of my back pocket and admired it for a bit.
I had someone to talk to.

Chapter Text

I slowly got better, and eventually, I didn’t need the cast anymore.

The day I returned to school, nobody really noticed. Well, the teachers did. They demanded to know why I was out for so long, I just said I had been sick, and they could call the hospital if they wanted to prove it.

They never did.

My grades are improving, but I don’t wanna tell anyone. I don’t like that I’m doing better, Hazel’s still asleep and I’m doing better than I did when she was awake.
I wanna be doing worse.

I wanna make myself worse.

I wanna feel the kind of pain I’ve taught myself to ignore.

I’ve caught them staring at me once or twice, while I was staring down at my fork and knife and a plate I wanted to smash to pieces just so I could jab them all into my skin, as deep as I could get them, down into the bone and out the other side if I can.
But I don’t think they know what I’m thinking every time I see something sharp.

There’s another thing they don’t know.
I’ve been going behind their backs for a few weeks, meeting up with Luke at night. He just seemed so… Perfect.

I helped him through his shift at the convenience store. He paid me out of his own pocket, and sometimes we’d go on long night drives together, windows down while I smoked. It was the only time that I smoked nowadays, and he, aside from Hazel, was the only person I let see me do it.
It was also the only time I cared about the clothes I wore. Most of them were Paul’s hand-me-downs, or stuff that Percy let me borrow. But I tried to put them together in a way that looked nice. I felt a strange giddiness whenever I looked in the mirror and saw myself wearing something I was proud of.
It felt alien to me, so I tried to tamp it down.

I haven’t been sleeping as much because of the nights I spend with him, but I don’t mind. I’ve gone nights without sleep. I can do it again, so I will. I’ll do it again.
And again, and again, and again.
Until I can’t anymore.
And then, I’ll do it one more time for good measure.
He’s so different from Percy and his family. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike them in the least… How could I? They were all so good to me.

Too good, almost.

It felt wrong, having them ask how my day was, if I was hurting, or sick, or hungry. I never said yes, even when it was true.
They were careful around me, their voices quiet and concerned and almost drowned out by the voice in my head screaming YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS.

He didn’t treat me like that. Like I was a child that needed to be looked after.
He treated me like I was just any other person.

-

One night, I went back out to his car. It’s February now, I turned seventeen last month.
It was hard to keep track sometimes.

“So, tonight’s gonna be… A little different.”

“Different how?” I asked.

He smiled. “Well… For one, I’m gonna let you see my apartment. Well… It’s not just mine. It’s my girls’ too.”

“Oh? You never...”

“Yeah, I um… I’m very protective of them, so I don’t talk about them a lot. I don’t want anyone going after them, I guess.”
“Yeah, I get it. And… For two?”

He smiled over at me. “You’ll see.”

I nodded, watching the buildings speed by as he drove me to his apartment.

Walking in, I immediately felt off. The living room was dirty and grungy and unkempt, the lights were dim and flickering like something was broken, and cigarette smoke hung in the air along with something implacably metallic, so palpable I could almost taste it.
Oh no, wait, that’s just my cheek, bleeding between my clamped down teeth. I know I should stop, but I have the urge to go deeper, biting clean through the flesh and hitting one of the thick, important veins I can feel pulsing with my tongue, flooding my mouth, my throat, my lungs, drowning me with the very thing that keeps me alive.
And though my stomach churned in anxiety, I strangely never wanted to leave. I wanted to stay here forever, lost in the haze of caring for someone else.
I felt comfortable here.

“Nico?” He asked. “You’ve, uh… You’ve been spaced out for a while. You good, man?”
I blinked back into reality, and silently nodded.
He smiled, relieved. He trusted me to know if I was ok or not. “Good. Wanna sit down, watch some TV?”

“Um, sure.” I sat next to him on the couch. He got up immediately after, though, and went to the kitchen.

“So, it was my 21st last week. I went out and bought some booze if you want it.”

My whole body went stiff again.
No. Say no, say no, say no…
I didn’t say no. I couldn’t get my tongue to work.

He set two glasses down on the coffee table, full of the all too familiar clear, brown liquid. “It’s the cheap stuff, but.. Y’know. You don’t have to drink it if you don’t wanna.”

I nodded, looking away when he took a sip. He wasn’t like that, he wasn’t like that, he wasn’t, he couldn’t be, he-

“Anyway… If you don’t wanna drink this, I can just put it back.”

I nodded, and he did just that, downing the rest of his drink as he got up, putting mine back in the fridge along with the bottle. I watched him get out a soda before coming back to me, holding it out to me.
I smiled a little. “Thanks.” I cracked it open and took a sip. Lemon-lime. Looking at the bottle, I could tell it was half empty, but I didn’t mind. “So… Where are they?”

“Hmm?”

“... Your girls, I mean.”

“Oh, yeah they’re both in their bedroom. Annabeth got sick, and so Thalia got sick. You know how it is.” I leaned back on the couch. “Sorry about the mess by the way. I’ve got more important things to worry about than keeping everything neat and tidy.”

I hummed. “I get it. It’s nothing I’m not used to.”

He nodded, but didn’t ask any questions, which I was grateful for. I didn’t wanna think that night.

So I asked a question of my own. “So… You keep calling them your girls. Are they, like, your daughters, or…?”

“Nah. I’m still single.”

I shrugged. “People have kids while they’re single sometimes.”

He shrugged. “Yeah… But I mean, they’re only two and three years younger than me, so.”

“Ah… So then, what are they to you?”

“... Family.” He answered. “We, um… We just sorta found each other, out on the streets. We’ve spent years together, being each other’s only comfort. Part of why I don’t talk about them much. If the landlord found out I’d been keeping them here…” He sighed. “I mean, I only got this place a few months ago. Not even off the lease yet. I can’t get evicted now, and I sure can’t kick them out just so I can stay.”

I laid my hand on top of his. “... I’m sorry, for… Everything. That must’ve sucked.”

He sighed. “It’s not your fault.”

Neither of us talked for a while, and we just watched the late night infomercials together. But then, he put his arm around me, and…

“Y’know, you’re really cute.”

I froze up.

He seemed to notice, but didn’t back away. “We don’t have to go any farther than you want to, ok?”

I shook my head. “Sorry, it’s not that I… It’s just… I didn’t really expect… Um…”

He smirked. “I told you tonight was gonna be a little different, didn’t I?”

“I, um… You did. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He placed his other hand on my other side, encircling my hips. “I like it when you’re flustered.” His fingers ghosted over my hip bones, and I felt my breath hitch.
He stopped.
“Am I… Hurting you or something?”

“No! No, no, I’m just… Nervous. Go ahead, do what you want.”

He smiled, and went ahead, lifting my shirt up. “Tell me when to stop.” He insisted.

I nodded. “I will.” I assured him, even though I knew I wouldn’t.
He didn’t seem horrified by my exposed ribcage, by my many, many scars, by the bruises that refused to fade even though it had been a little over a month now. His thumbs gripped my hips, pressing just hard enough that it hurt a little, almost as if he wanted to absorb a little of me into himself.
The thought made my grotesque chest swell with pride.
His hands traced my sides and up to my shoulders, where he pushed me down, and then…

The palms of his hands pressed deep onto my wrists as he supported his weight on them, holding them above my head, pinning me down on the couch.

My left wrist screamed in agony, and I didn’t react at all.
But I heard a sickening crack coming from above my head.

He let go, his eyes wide in shock.
“Oh my god, did… Did I hurt you or something?”

“No, I’m… I’m fine.” I insisted, sitting back up, my wrist still throbbing with even more pain than it did every time I used it.

“Are you sure?” He asked. “You don’t seem-”

“I said I’m fine!” I snapped. I didn’t like how he was acting right now. How he was all concerned and…

I just didn’t like it.
I wasn’t used to it.
I couldn’t handle it.

I looked down at my wrist, encircled in a bruise that wasn’t there before. It wasn’t like the ones I’d been collecting my entire life, no. This was beautiful, like a bracelet made of red and purple flowers.
A bracelet he gave to me, that I would treasure forever, until the sun blinked out.
I wiped my tears with my still aching wrist, tears I hadn’t even realized were there. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s ok. Let’s just get you home.” He picked my shirt up off the floor and held it out to me.

I nodded silently, still blinking the vestiges of tears out of my eyes as I slipped it back on over me.

-

“... So… Is sex totally off the table, or…?” He asked, after we’d been driving for a while.

I looked down on the cigarette I’d been smoking, the smoke trailing into my eyes.

I wanted to say yes, but I didn’t.
I wanted to want this. To be the kind of person to want this.

“No, just… Not tonight. We can try again later.”
I looked over at him in a way I hoped was seductive, lifting the cigarette to my lips and letting the smoke fill my lungs before I blew it all out slowly, the ethereal gray spilling from between my teeth and my lips.

He nodded, smirking, before his blue-and-yellow eyes went back to the road. He dropped me off at the back door, and I went straight to my room, taking off my clothes that undoubtedly smelled like cigarettes, changing into Percy’s pajamas that he let me borrow, and brushing my teeth before bed.

-

The next morning, I woke up feeling like shit. I couldn’t breathe, everything hurt, and I was even more tired than usual.
Well, I knew what to do on days like this.
Nothing.

I got up and took off my pajamas, reluctantly taking a shower and brushing my teeth vigorously. I couldn’t let them know I’d been smoking last night.
Once I was out of the bathroom, I went digging through the drawers. I just kind of put on whatever was clean, collecting my smoky clothes from last night and putting them in the washer myself, just to make sure they didn’t catch onto the smell.

I went out to the dining room and sat down, coughing up a ball of phlegm. I looked around the corner to find Sally making breakfast, oatmeal this time. She dripped a few drops of food coloring into the pot, and then some maple syrup and cinnamon, before looking over at me. “Oh, honey… You don’t look too hot. Are you feeling ok?”

I nodded. “Where are the others?” I asked.

She walked over to sit next to me. “Paul’s with Estelle, and you know how Percy likes to sleep in. Now tell me the truth.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nico, you sound more congested than downtown traffic at lunch rush.”

“I’m fine. I just gotta get ready for school.”

“Oh no. You’re staying home.” She insisted, in a tone I’d never heard from her before. “I can’t drive you, for one. Paul’s immune system is better than it used to be, but it’s still not up to snuff. And if you get your germs all over the car, then he’ll be out for a week. He’s already used all his sick days.”

I scratched the table, nervous. “I’ll take the subway, then. Or walk, I don’t know. I-I can’t take more days off, I’ve already lost so much time-”

“Honey, honey, honey… You’re already repeating Junior year. There’s no point in going to school sick now, especially when you’re still recovering from December. And besides, you’d get all those other students sick too.”

I looked down at my hands, splayed out on the table. “... Ok.”

She smiled and stood up, following me back to the guest bedroom, standing beside me as I sat back on the bed. “I’ll bring your breakfast to you, you just get some sleep.”

I nodded, watching her walk out of the door. “... Miss Jackson?”

She looked back at me, curious and attentive.

I felt my throat tying itself in a knot, but I had to say it, I had to.
“Thank you.”

She smiled a little and nodded, her eyes becoming shiny and wet before she closed the door.
I felt bad for making her cry.

Chapter Text

Percy came in that afternoon, to help cheer me up. He let me play some of his phone games, but I was really bad at them, and they strained my eyes too much. “It’s fine. You need your rest anyway… Just thought I’d help.”

“You don’t…” I coughed. “... You don’t need to do that.”

“Bullshit, you’re sick.” He sat next to me.

“It’s not that bad… Besides, you’ll get sick too if you stay here.”

He sighed. “Maybe. But it’ll be worth it.”

I started tearing up despite myself. I was sick, and tired, and delirious, so I couldn’t control my emotions very well. “You… You’re so nice to me. Why are you all so nice to me…?”
I fell into his chest and felt his hands rubbing my back, heard his voice cooing over me like I was a baby. I’m not a baby, I don’t need to be coddled like this.
I don’t deserve it.
I don’t understand.

I fell asleep on his chest that afternoon, and didn’t wake up until three in the morning.

-

It took days to recover. I kept insisting that I was fine, but she clearly wasn’t buying it. She had me lay in bed the whole day, except to pee. She gave me bowl after bowl of chicken soup, and though I never finished it, she didn’t complain. She just seemed disappointed.
I hated that I disappointed her, but…
I couldn’t give up the pangs. They gave me a rush, a relief I can’t explain. I didn’t feel guilty about my very existence, even if it was just for a moment.

Finally, after almost a week of being bedridden, I was deemed healthy enough to go to school.

Nothing much happened until lunch, which normally just consisted of me hanging around in the bathroom nowadays. I used to look forward to it so much, and now I dread it.
But tonight… Well, I hadn’t been able to smoke for a whole week. So, as bad as I felt about it, I still got the last cigarette from the box Luke gave me, and snuck it, along with the lighter, in my backpack. I was afraid that they’d see it in the trash bin, so I tucked it in my laundry basket before going out to the car.

I snuck out to the track, the bleachers still covered with fresh snow. I was freezing my ass off, but the minute I lit up, suddenly that doesn’t matter anymore.

I finished my first cigarette, feeling the smoke swirling in my belly in place of food, and as I exhaled, I’d realized what I’d just done.
They would smell it.
She would smell it.
She would know. And she’d be so disappointed in me.

I looked down at the glowing embers between my fingers, sparking at the tip of the filter.
Fuck.
I put it out on the snow next to me, watching the smoke and steam billow up into the gray winter sky.

“Boo.”

I yelped in fear as my whole body jolted. I heard laughing behind me, but I couldn’t focus on anything but the screaming and the pictures in my head, transporting me back to… Everything.

“...ey. Hey! You ok, little dude?” I cracked my eye open, to see a punk rock chick staring at me straight in the face. She had electric blue eyes, black lipstick, a bunch of piercings, and dark skin.
Just like Hazel’s.

My other eye opened, and suddenly, I felt… Relaxed.

“Hey. Sorry about that, kid. I… I didn’t think you’d react like that.”

I nodded. “It-it’s fine. I was just… Being dramatic.”

“Yeah, I get it. I totally flipped my shit when I found someone drank the rest of my soda.” She laughed. “Then again, part of it was just the fact I was sick… Anyway. I’m Thalia.” She held out a hand, wrapped in a fingerless glove. “Nice to meet someone else skipping.”

“Um… Nico.” I put my own in hers, and she shook it. “Do you, um… Know Luke, by any chance?”

Her eyes went wide. “Oh, yeah. I was actually about to drive to his apartment. Wanna come with me?”

I smiled a little. “... Sure. Thanks.”
She walked me to her car, letting me sit in the passenger’s seat. It was Luke’s car too, I’d recognize it anywhere. “Oh, one thing?” I asked.

She looked over at me. “Yeah?”

“... Don’t tell him you found me at school.”

Her eyes widened in surprise, but she shrugged. “Ok.”
She started driving, but stopped at a mcdonalds. “You want anything, kid? I know the school lunch is shit.”

I shook my head.

She shrugged again. “Suit yourself.” Then, she ordered a ten piece and sprite. The smell was amazing, and with every inhale, it gave me the pains that I so desperately craved. Little bee stings in my stomach, throbbing again and again, whispering I’m a good person, I’m a good person, I’m a good person.

-

It didn’t take long for her to drive me to his apartment. “Hey, ‘lia. Skipping again?”

“Guilty. This guy needed to get to your house, so he hitched a ride with me.”

“I just, uhh. I need a change of clothes.” I grinned sheepishly up at him. “These smell like smoke.”

He smiled down at me. “I can do that.” He led me into his room, digging through his closet until he found some clothes. Ratty jeans and an orange T-shirt from some summer camp. “So, why does it matter if your clothes smell like smoke?”

I shrugged. “There’s this, uh… Woman. She took me in, and… I don’t wanna let her know I smoke.”

“Well, did she see you in these?”

I nodded.

He smiled wickedly. “Then she’ll know something’s up if you change.”

I sighed. “Fuck, you’re right. So… What do I do?”

“Well… You could just stay here for a while. I’ll toss the clothes you’ve got on in the wash, and you can wear those in the meantime. Of course, if you really wanted to get rid of the evidence, you could use my shower, brush your teeth real good… Y’know, the works.”

I nodded. “... Yeah. Sounds like a good idea. Thanks.”

“Ok, I’ll go get you a towel.” He took the clothes I was about to change into and went to the other room, to get me a towel. Once I had it, I got into the shower and washed the residual smoke off of my skin, drying off and brushing my teeth once I was done.

I tried hard not to look in the mirror, but of course I did. Dark circles on my face, olive undertones turning my skin a sickly gray, almost green.
I looked disgusting. And yet, nobody seemed to mind.

I realized that the clothes weren’t in the bathroom, so I wrapped the towel around myself and stepped out, to find Luke laying on his side in his boxers. “Looking for something?” He asked, holding the clothes up in the air, like a flag. “Go ahead and get it.”

I froze.
I knew what he was asking.

I would’ve acquiesced, but… “... Luke, I just got out of the shower. I can’t… I brushed my teeth and everything.”

“Well hey, you don’t have to get all dirty. I’m more than happy to give head if you want me too.”
I felt my face flush with heat, and watched as he pushed himself up on his palms, his thumb hooked into the waistband of his boxers. “I think I know the real issue. You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”

I swallowed hard as I sat on the bed, the towel still circling my waist.

I didn’t know how to answer.

“It’s, uh… Complicated.”

“It’s a yes or no question, how complicated can it be?”

I decided I’d just give him what he wanted. “... Fine. You, uh... You got me. Total virgin, I mean I’ve never even kissed anyone before!” That part was true. “... So... Let’s start there.”

He smirked. “Alright.” He sat up beside me, and leaned in, his eyes closed.
I pecked his lips, and he opened them back up, confused. “That’s it?”

I shrugged, feeling guilty about disappointing him. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Are… Are you sure sex is an option?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“So… What’s the hang up?”

I thought for a little bit, building up my resolve. I was gonna give him what he wanted this time. I had to.

“... Nothing. Go ahead.”

He leaned in again, but I heard a knock on the door. “Luke, did you pay the rent today?” Thalia asked.

He perked up. “Shit.” He stood up, tossing the clothes over his shoulder as he ran out of the room, leaving me to get dressed.

Thalia and I watched TV in silence while I was waiting for my clothes to get dry, and for Luke to get back. Once the laundry was done, I dressed myself back in the clothes I left with, and waited until Luke came back.

Once he did, it was an hour later, and he’d gotten take out for himself, Thalia, Annabeth when she got home, and me. Of course, he’d already eaten his.

“You sure you don’t want any, kid?” He asked.

I shook my head.

“Well… Do you wanna drive around?”

I nodded.

So we did. We drove around the city in his car, he picked Annabeth up from school when 3 PM came around, and two hours later, he drove me back to the convenience store, which now had a ‘now hiring’ sign.

We stayed there until 9, me helping him stock shelves and count money. “Ok, it’s my half hour break time. Wanna go home?”

I sighed. “... Sure.”

-

The minute I walked in through the door, everything seemed… Wrong.

The light was on.
Oh god, they caught me. I was in trouble.

“Kid?” Paul’s voice came from the living room. When I walked to the other side of the couch, he put a pack of cigarettes on the table. “I believe we need to have a little talk.”

I went stiff, and sat on the other end of the couch from him. This is it, I’m done for.

I didn’t dare to look him in the eye, but I could feel his burning into the back of my skull.
“Nico, I don’t know how long this has been going on, but I don’t need to. Because it stops tonight. We’ve all been incredibly generous to you, and to find you’ve been going behind our backs like this… I mean, I was in the hospital for months because of these things! How dare you bring them back into our home!?”
He said more, but I didn’t hear him.

This is it, then.
He’s the same way.

I felt his hand shaking me, and curled up into a ball on reflex. “Get the fuck away from me!” I yelled, twice as loud as he’d ever been.

“Wha-”

“Leave me the fuck alone you drunk fucking manwhore!”

“Young man, I-” Estelle’s shrieking cries interrupted him. “... I’ll go take care of the baby.”

Horror rushed through me. “No… No, no, no, don’t take it out on her! Please, I’m sorry, just don’t take it out on her, I’m the one you’re mad at.” I grabbed his arm, pulling him back from the nursery. “Go ahead and hurt me, kill me if you have to, just… Not her.”

He looked back, I could feel him staring at me, but my eyes were squeezed shut.

His hand jerked away from mine, and I opened my eyes just long enough to see him go up the stairs.

I sighed, relieved that he wouldn’t bother us again, and ducked into the nursery, reaching into Estelle’s crib. She relaxed a little once she was in my arms, and I sat on the rocking chair in the corner to lull her back to sleep. “Hey, little one… It’s alright. I’m here.” I whispered. “You’re safe.”
She cooed up at me and stuck her hand in her mouth.
I leaned down to kiss her forehead. “That’s it, you’re alright. There’s nothing to be scared of.”

I closed my eyes and rocked with the baby, humming a little as I soothed her.

I heard footsteps approaching, and my eyes immediately shot open, as I held the baby tighter to my chest.

The door opened a crack, and… “Nico, honey? Are you in here?”
It was Sally.
I trusted Sally.

I swallowed. “Um… Yeah.”

“Can I come in?”

I paused again, before letting out a breath I’d been holding. “Ok.”

Light seeped in through the crack in the door as she walked over to me. She reached down, but stopped before her hand made contact with my head. “... Can I touch you?” She asked.
I thought for a minute, but nodded, looking down at the baby.
She combed her fingers through my hair as I rocked slightly on the rocking chair. “... Paul told me what happened.” She muttered sadly. “You wanna talk about it?”

Shame burned inside of me. “... I overreacted, didn’t I?”

“Sweetie…”

“I-I cursed, and I woke up the baby, and-”

“You were scared.” She cut in gently. “It’s ok.”

I felt tears burn in the corners of my eyes. I’m crying so much lately, why am I crying so much?

“It’s ok, just go ahead and cry. I’ll take care of the baby.”
I held her close to my chest, reflexively keeping her out of harm’s way, but I handed her to her mom after a moment. She took the now sleeping baby and placed her back in her crib, before turning to me. “It’s gonna be ok. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him. You just didn’t feel safe. I’m not mad… Do you wanna come out to the living room?”
I nodded and sniffed, wiping my tears on my arm. “Ok.” She held out a hand and I took it.

She held me gently, walking me over to the couch, where Paul sat. I sat down between them, still leaning away from him.

Paul looked down sadly at the space between us, and then back up at me. “Kid… I’m so sorry. I-I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I just…” He sighed. “... I’m sorry. I… I don’t think words will ever be able to explain how sorry I am.”

I was shocked to hear him apologizing. People hardly ever apologized to me when they hurt me, and I… didn’t really know what to do with that.
He was even crying.
I scooted closer to him as a show of good will, watching him and trying not to wince or show that I was afraid. “You’re… Not mad at me, are you?”

“No, no, if there’s anyone I’m angry at, it’s myself. I never should’ve been that aggressive. I just thought… Maybe if I scared you, it would get you to stop. I guess I got tunnel vision.”

“... Why do you smoke, Nico?” Sally gently asked.

I didn’t want to tell them. I couldn’t.
But I had to.
I swallowed. “... It… It kills your appetite.”

She sighed, her arms growing tighter around me. “... I should’ve known. I should’ve-”

“Hey, no, it’s ok.” Paul reassured her. “Don’t beat yourself up, you know now. And you’re…” He looked down at me. “... We’re… Gonna give you the help you need. Whatever it takes, ok?”

I wiped my tears on my sleeve. “... Ok.”

Sally laid her cheek on my head. “... Do you think you need to go to a facility or something?”

I thought about it. I’d heard bad things about them, from Leo mostly. But… Then again, he’d been arrested before. They may not make the same assumptions about me.
And… If I do it from home, then I’ll cheat. I know I will.

I nodded.

Chapter Text

She didn’t stop hugging me, and I didn’t mind at all. I felt fragile, and weak, and I hated it. But I couldn’t help but sink into her touch.
She even carried me to bed that night.

“So, sweetie…” She set me on the bed. “... We’re gonna be looking for programs to get you in for a few days, but I want you to be involved in the process. And… I don’t know if there’s anything I need to look for. If I should try to find male-exclusive ones, or co-eds, or if you’re ok with either. Some of them have magazines banned, is that something you care about?”

I shrugged. “No. I don’t… I don’t know how that would help, though.”

“Well… To keep you from relapsing.”

I looked up at her, confused. “What… What’s relapsing?”

She sighed. “It’s… It’s when you start to go back on the progress you’ve made. It’s not shameful, but it is dangerous.”

“Oh… Because of the cigarette ads, right?”

“No. Well, yes, but… Also because of the models.”
I didn’t understand. What did models have to do with it?
She sighed again. “They’re photoshopped, all of them. The images warp your brain, make it seem like it’s actually possible to look the way they do. And that can worsen your eating disorder.”

“I…” I remembered, vaguely, what those were, from my health class. “… I don’t have an eating disorder.”

She looked sad. “... Hon, you barely eat at all. The whole reason you’re smoking is to avoid eating, isn’t it?”

I shrugged. “... Yeah. But I don’t care how I look. I’m just...” It was hard to say, hard to figure out what words to use. “... It’s for her.”

She scooted closer to me. “What do you mean?” She asked gently.

I swallowed. “... There was never much food at his house, and even less of it was for us. She… She needed it more than me, so…” I couldn’t bring myself to finish my sentence, just like I couldn’t bring myself to finish a meal.

She nodded somberly. “... You’re not in his house anymore, though.”

“I know. But… It still feels wrong.” I wasn’t used to this, to talking about the way I felt. But… She made it a little easier. “It… Feels like I’m hurting her somehow.”

She suddenly hugged me. “... I know. I know what it’s like, having to give yourself up in just about every way possible.” Her arms grew tighter. “And… I was an adult.” Her voice cracked. “You were a child, you never should’ve had to…” She took a deep breath. “... Ok, is there… Any kind of food that’s easier for you?”

I thought for a moment, leaning into her touch. “Not… Not food exactly, but… It’s easier when it’s a drink.”

“A drink… Okay. I can work with that.” She smiled warmly at me, and stood up, walking to the door.

“Wait… What are you doing?”

She looked back at me. “I’m gonna go get you some protein shakes. You just rest for the night, I know this was a lot.”

I felt my throat knot up again, watching her go out to the store in the middle of the night, all so that she could accommodate me.

The next morning, Percy looked over at me, concerned, as he watched me drink a protein shake for breakfast, and nothing else.
I looked down at the three-quarters-empty bottle, the fullness curdling in my belly like it always did.

So I stuffed it into my backpack. I knew that I was disappointing Sally, but I just couldn’t handle it.

As soon as we were dropped off, he turned to me. “Hey… Is there anything you wanna eat?”

I shook my head. “I’m ok.”

“Um… Ok. Just know, if there’s anything you wanna tell me, I’m here.”

I sighed. “... Your mom thinks I have an eating disorder.”

His brows shot up in surprise. “... Oh. Well… Do you?”

“I… I don’t know. But… She’s sending me away soon. So… Y’know. Just wanted to let you know.”

I drank that last bit of protein shake for lunch, saving the other in my backpack for the next day. Dinner was another protein shake, well, half of one, and some chicken broth.

That night, I snuck out to the kitchen, drinking the other half, and then the shake I saved, and then more chicken broth, and a glass of orange juice, and then-

I gagged on my second glass.
I looked down at the last few dribbles of orange liquid in the glass, my head pounding. I hated to waste this, but…
I left it in the sink, and went to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet, retching into the night.

Percy found me. “... Nico…” He kneeled next to me.

“It’s not-” I coughed up the last bit of liquid, wiping my mouth on my wrist. “... It’s not what it looks like, I swear. I-I didn’t… I didn’t want this to happen, I… I just couldn’t… It was too much, and I…”
You wasted food, you wasted money. You wasted their money. They’re already poor, you selfish, greedy, inconsiderate fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you!?
“... I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“But it is. I drank too much, and… I wasted it all.”

He laid his hand on top of mine. “It’s ok. Let’s just get you cleaned up.”

-

It took a few days, a few websites, before I found one that seemed good.

‘Dr. Regina Nichols, who frequented anorexia recovery facilities in her youth, before dedicating the rest of her life to the psychiatric profession, founded this program as an alternative solution to disordered eating. This treatment plan is not radically different from those offered elsewhere, but it is highly personalized to fit each patient’s specific needs, and get them on the fastest route to recovery. We are committed to offering every patient as much choice and comfort as is feasible in this dark and frightening period of their lives, while still coaxing them out of the mindsets that brought them here.’

“So, what do you think?” She asked. “Does… Does this sound good?”

I nodded. “But… What about your insurance? Won’t you go broke if you-”

“Don’t worry about that.” She put her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t you dare worry about that.”

I smiled softly, nodding a little. “... Ok. This is the one.”

“Alright. I’ll print off the program directory for you, and you can read through it while I get you signed up.” She locked her arms around me again. “I’m so proud of you.”

I sunk into her touch. I couldn’t get enough of it, my skin seemed to soak it in like lotion.

She called ahead, while I reviewed everything on the paper, and she told me they would be ready for me the next morning. “You should go to bed early tonight.” She told me. “Just to beat the traffic.”

I did. I went to bed right after dinner that night.
And I woke up at 3 in the morning, remembering Luke. This entire time, I hadn’t visited him once.
I slipped on my clothes, and went out to the convenience store, trying to hurry. The rest of the family would be up at seven.

“Woah, hey… Haven’t seen you in a while.” He gestured for me to come behind the counter, before turning to stock the cigarettes. “What’s your excuse this time?”

I know he was joking, but I still felt embarrassed at my absence from his life these last few days. “Um… None. I just, uh… I’ve just been busy.”

He looked down at me over his shoulder, pocketing one of the cigarette boxes. “So, why are you here tonight? Did something clear up?”

“Not… Not exactly. I just… Wanted to let you know that… Well, I’m leaving for a while. Six weeks, to be exact.”

“Leaving?” He asked. “... Why?”

“Well… Y’know the woman that took me in? That… I’m living with?”

“Yeah?”

“She, uh… She wants me to go to this place, it’s for… Mental stuff.”

“Oh… She thinks you’re crazy?”

“Not… Not exactly. She just doesn’t think I’m doing well.”

He sighed, pouting. “Well, can’t you just say no?”

I sighed. “I… I could. But… I don’t want to. She’s right, I…” I swallowed my spit, the knot forming in my throat. “I need to be there. I didn’t even realize how much I’ve gone through until now. How much I’ve put myself through. I did it all for Hazel, but… I have to stick around for her, too.”

“Well, I don’t think it means you’re mentally ill. I mean, if you ask me, Nietzsche was just one letter off.”

I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but I didn’t want him to know that.

“... I’m gonna miss you, anyway. When are you leaving?”

“In a few hours, actually.”

“Oh, damn. So this is a last minute thing, huh?” He pulled the cigarette box out of his pocket. “Well, how about one last smoke?”

My body went stiff.
I should say no. I know I should say no.

I didn’t say no.

I put it between my lips and lit up. I hated what I was doing to her, to this family. I’ve already taken so much, and-

I blew the smoke out of my lips, looking over at him. He had an odd look in his eyes, the same look he had when he pinned me down on the couch.

I took another puff. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing… Just wish I was that cigarette.”

I looked down at the cigarette in question, confused.

He chuckled down at me. “In your mouth, I mean.” He leaned in closer. “You still owe me that kiss, y’know.”

“What… What are you talking about? I did kiss you.”

“I mean a real kiss. With tongue.”

I cleared my throat. “Well… I guess, if it’s what you wanna do…”

He didn’t even wait, just smashed his lips on mine, his tongue exploring every crevice of my mouth, while mine was perfectly still, recovering from the shock.
Eventually, he let go. “So, I suppose I should take you back home.”

I nodded, and let him drive me. He only went up to the street, and then I had to climb back in through the window, brush my teeth, shower, and change my clothes.

Once I was done, I went back to the bed, only for Sally to knock at my door. “Hon? Wake up, it’s time to go.”

I sighed internally, disappointed that I wouldn’t get to sleep any more. “I’m already up.”

Once everyone had had breakfast, we piled into the car. Sally was driving, and Paul was shotgun, with their kids and I in the back. I was on the left, Percy on the right, and Estelle in the middle, in her carseat.
She was still so little, she had no clue what was going on. I stuck a finger in front of her, still bony and frail despite the protein shakes I’d been drinking. She grabbed it, easily waving my entire hand around. “Oh, you’re strong.” I whispered, smiling. She cooed up at me, her toothless little grin making me melt.

I looked over at Percy, who was watching me, smiling. “You’re adorable when you’re with kids.”

I felt my face get warm. “... Thanks.”

He laughed. “You’re cute when you blush too.”

I froze, unsure how to respond. I was already in a relationship with Luke, but… He couldn’t know that. None of them could.
I shrugged. “Thanks.”

Once we were in the building’s parking lot, I stepped out, more afraid than I’d ever let myself be. I looked back at the car to wave goodbye, and watched, stunned, as Paul opened the door and stepped out, hiding something behind his back. He hadn’t said anything to me since the whole… Incident. But he stepped forward, looking down at me through his glasses, his hair just barely starting to come back in wisps. “... I’m sorry, first of all. Both for yelling at you, and… For not following up after. I was too ashamed. But… I hope this helps to ease that pain.”

He pulled a jacket out, fleece lined with brown suede and copper buttons, offering it to me.

I wrapped my fingers around it, holding it for a bit. “I… It’s beautiful. Thank you. I-I didn’t know you had this.”

“I didn’t. I, uh… I got it from a consignment shop a few days ago.”

I felt my throat tie into a knot again, one too big to swallow. He’s being so good to me, they’re all being so good to me, I don’t deserve this, I can’t…

“Hey, it’s ok kid. You can cry if you need to.”

I nodded, blinking the tears out of my eyes and slipping the jacket on before hugging him around the neck. “Thank you, again.”

He hugged me back. “Of course. You want me to walk you in?”

I shook my head, wiping my tears as I separated from him. “I-I’ll be ok. But seriously, thank you, and your wife, and your son… For everything. Hazel and I wouldn’t’ve survived without you three. Tell… Tell them that, please?”

“Of course. Now, you go in there, and you get the help you need.”

I nodded and turned around to walk in, with my new jacket pulled tight around me, and my head held high, for the first time in my life.

Chapter Text

I sat on the bed, looking over the schedule the receptionist handed me as I waited for my check-up.

‘8:45 AM - Wake up and shower (you can sleep in or meditate during this time if you prefer evening showers, but MUST shower every day)
9:00 AM to 9:30 AM - Breakfast
9:45 AM to 10:45 AM - One on one therapy
10:45 AM to 12:00 PM - Free time/visiting hours
12:00 PM to 12:30 PM - Lunch
12:45 PM to 1:45 PM - Your choice of group therapy OR afternoon nap (recommendations depending on your physical state)
1:45 PM to 5:00 PM - Free time/visiting hours
5:00 PM to 5:30 PM - Dinner
5:45 PM - Evening shower time (or additional 15 minutes of free time if you’ve showered that morning)
6:00 PM to 10:00 PM - Free time/visiting hours (visitors not allowed after 8:00 PM)
10: 00 PM - Lights out
10:30 PM - Bedtime

Check-ups are once a week, starting on the day you arrive.’

It seemed extensive, but reasonable, and honestly, a lot more lax than I was expecting. There was another message stapled to the back, which I decided to read as well, since I’d be in here for at least six weeks according to the website.

‘We have a library, including an arts and crafts room, and an outdoors area on site, which you can access during free time upon request. We also have on-site laundry, but this room is not available to patients. Just put your dirty clothes in the hamper and place it outside the door before lights out, and one of our staff members will have it fresh and ready for you the next morning.
Other amenities available upon request include scrubs in case you don’t have access to clean clothes, snacks and drinks, fragrance and/or allergen-free toiletries, sensitivity-friendly toothpaste, battery operated electric blankets, gum, and access to a landline.
Remember: Healing is an extremely personal process, and it looks differently for everyone, so if you follow any diet for religious or moral reasons (ie: kosher, halal, or vegetarian) or if you have food allergies/intolerances/sensory issues, please notify staff, and we will work with you to ensure you can still get the nutrition that you need.
Visits will take place in your room, with your roommate taken out to the common area for added privacy, and can take place for as long as you wish, unless it encroaches on your mealtimes, therapy, or violates the ‘no visitors after eight’ rule stated earlier. You will be notified by a staff member if someone wants to visit you, and are free to refuse visits if you wish. If your visitor refuses to leave when you request, or becomes violent, pull the emergency cord next to your bed, and security will see them out, with force if needed. Personal notes may be passed along between a patient and their friends, family, partners, etc. and letters from government officials may be delivered. Our staff is strictly forbidden from opening these letters as they are personal information, so if one of your letters appears to have been tampered with, please report the incident.
If you are injured, go to the medbay and we will treat you. And if you become ill with any contagious disease, for example, a cold, you will be put under quarantine to ensure the safety of both yourself, as well as your fellow patients, whose immune systems are likely weakened. During quarantine, your meals will be provided for you personally, and visitation will be completely shut down.

If, for any reason, you have a bad experience with any member of our staff, notify the receptionist and we will deal with the situation accordingly. And if, for any reason, you feel unsafe here, you are always welcome to check yourself out. Though we will be sad to see you leave early, we understand that is your decision to make.

Remember; This isn't about us. This is about you, getting the help you need.’

The third page was just a map of the place, with the fire escape route highlighted in red, quarantine rooms highlighted in green, and a storm shelter in the basement, highlighted in blue. I took the pen that they gave me and filled my room, 13C, in black, drawing an arrow pointing to it, and on the backside of the arrow, wrote a note stating ‘you are here’ in shaky, but readable print.
I hadn’t even realized how badly my hands had been shaking up to that point.
I put the pen and paper back on the bed beside me.

Suddenly, the door opened, and there was a little boy being escorted inside. He had a round, chubby face, and monolid black eyes, he looked about eleven. He sat on the bed across from me, looking surprised to see he’d gotten a new roommate. “Um… Hi.” His voice was soft, nervous.

I looked over at him. “Hi, um… I’m Nico.”

“Frank.” He picked up a book, I could see it was something related to hockey.
It felt… Weird, seeing a child with defined interests like that. I knew it was normal, but Hazel never… She never really found her ‘thing’.
It made my chest go hollow, realizing just how much she’s missed out on. And it was my fault, all of it. I should’ve done better, I should’ve-

“Nico?” The escort asked. “The doctor will see you now.”

-

The doctor’s visit was… Intense. There were a bunch of labs done, blood tests and pee tests for drugs. I told the doctor I’d been smoking, and he wrote it down in his clipboard. After a while, he gave me fiber and iron pills to take at mealtimes, nicotine gum, up to two pieces a day, and finally, a few packets of electrolyte powder to put in water and drink right before I go to sleep. “Now, is there anything you need me to know? For example… Any preferences in your diet?”

I sighed, cringing at what I was about to say. “... It’s easier for me to drink than it is to eat. So…” I shrugged.

He nodded. “Okay, so you’re on a liquid diet, essentially. Is that something you’re looking to change?”

I thought about it for a bit. I suppose I could carry on the way I am, but…

I didn’t want to.

The thought surprised me. It’s never really mattered, before, what I wanted to do.

I nodded.

“Okay, but we’ll have to do it slowly, ok? We’ll start out with liquids, moving onto more viscous stuff like peanut butter and mashed potatoes, and hopefully, by the time your six weeks is up, you’ll be more able to eat solid food. That sound okay?”

I nodded. “... Thanks.”

“Hey, this is my job. I’ll go tell the cafeteria workers, you just go to your room, sit tight, and wait for lunch. Now, listen… Your body’s been through a lot, and the body does most of its healing while it’s asleep, so I recommend you go to sleep during group therapy time until you’ve healed a little bit more. That make sense? ”

I nodded again, standing up on shaky legs and walking back to the door.
I hadn’t noticed how unstable they were.

“One last thing. Sorry to keep you here… But would you like a juice box or something?”

I sighed, relieved. “Um, yeah. Thanks.”

He reached into a drawer on his desk, and pulled out a capri sun, holding it out in offering.
I took it and stabbed the straw in, drinking the tart sugar water, and pushed the door open, letting the escort lead me back to my room.

I laid down until lunch, fighting sleep, but eventually, I started to drift off.

-

I woke up a little later to a knock on the door. “Time for lunch.”
I sighed, and pulled myself up off of the bed, going out to the cafeteria. Just smelling the food cooking made me reach, instinctively, for the cigarettes in my pocket, before I realized that they weren’t there.

So, I reached for the gum. Chewing it was new, but I could start to feel my body’s cravings subside. They weren’t entirely gone, though, so I used my tongue to push it between my gums and my cheek like he told me to, before getting my lunch from the cafeteria. I got this weird drinkable yogurt, a bowl of watery oatmeal, and a can of V-8.

I knew, right away, that I wouldn’t be able to eat the oatmeal. In fact, I didn’t want any of this. I knew I needed it, badly, but I didn’t care. It felt so… Wrong. Everything felt so wrong, so backwards.
I was being taken care of.

I took the gum out of my mouth, covering it with one of the tiny sheets of paper stored in the gum canister.

“Hey.” I heard Frank’s soft, childlike voice next to me. “... Y’know, if you’re having trouble, you can go to the bathroom and chug water from the sink.”

I looked over at him, sad that I knew what he was talking about. Before I started smoking, before Hazel was even born, I used to fill up with water to suppress my hunger. I hated asking Bianca for food, ever since she made me realize how stressful it is to be in her position, how thin she had stretched herself for me. I felt like I was adding fuel to the fire, like any request could be the straw that broke her back.
I decided not to comment on it, instead ask a different question. “Why the sink?”

Frank shrugged. “They don’t let you have bottled water during meals. I guess they caught on.” He poked at his chicken pensively. “It’s fine, though. My coach gave me a lot more tips than that.”

My eyes widened. “Your coach told you that!?” I tried to keep my voice down, but… Holy shit, it was hard.

“Um… Yeah. That’s, uh… What I just said.” His face became flushed.

I sighed. “I know, you did. It’s just…” I sighed again. “... I hope he’s fired.”

“Why? He’s great! He put me on the team even though I’m fat. I know I’m a pity recruit, but still.”

I was just about ready to cry.
I opened my yogurt bottle and started to drink. I wanted to say so many things to this poor kid, but… I didn’t know how to say any of them.
“Kid… What school do you go to?”

“Um… H.B Maynard middle school.”

Shit. That was the school Hazel would be going to next year.

“What about you?”

I snapped back to reality. “Oh, um… Maple street high.”

He nodded. “... Are there any weightlifting teams there?”

I thought, before shrugging. There might be, I don’t know. I’m not the kind of person to ask. I wanted to say no, to protect him somehow, but…I knew it wouldn’t really help. “I thought you were into hockey.”

He sighed. “... Yeah. I used to play back in Toronto. But they don’t have any teams here, so I had to try out for a bunch of other stuff. And now I won’t get to play at all, because I’m in here.”

I nodded. “Yeah… Well, is there anything you can play in here? That, y’know, you like to?”

He sighed. “Well… There is this one card game…”

He started to go on a rant about it, even flapping his hands in excitement, and I paid all my attention, trying to open the pop tab on the V-8 as quietly as I possibly could.

He looked up at me, his ramble over, seemingly waiting for my reaction.

I smiled. “That sounds like a really fun game. I’d love for you to teach me how to play sometime.”

And his sweet, excited grin made me get a bittersweet lump in my throat.
I missed Hazel so much.

-

As per the doctor’s suggestion, I slept through the group therapy session, and in fact, through most of my free time.

One of the staff knocked on the door. “Nico, Miss Jackson wants to see you.”

I groaned, sitting up on the bed and watching Frank be escorted out to the common area. I waved goodbye to him, and then watched as Sally came through the door.

She sat down on the visitor’s chair, smiling sympathetically. “Hi, sweetie. How’s your first day shaking out?”

“Um… Good. It’s… A lot more calm than I thought.”

“Great! Just… Wanted to check up on you. I just sent some stuff off to a few different publishing houses, so… Hopefully that shakes out. I’m planning on visiting every week, is there anything you need me to bring you next time?”

I shook my head. “No, I… I’m good.” I shuffled awkwardly on the bed.

She sighed. “I know, this could’ve been a phone call. But I wanted to see you in person, just to… Make sure this place really is all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Well, I dunno about that. But it’s really nice here. Thanks for letting me pick which place I wanted to go, instead of just… I dunno, signing me up for the first search result you found.”

She laughed a bit. “Well, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.” She stood up. “I’m glad you’re ok. Call me if you need me, ok?”

She handed me a slip of paper, and I tucked it away in my drawer. “Sure. Thanks.”

She walked out, and I looked over it a few times, trying to memorize it.

Dinner was much the same, except with watery vegetable rice instead of watery oatmeal. I took a shower and changed into one of the two T-shirts I had packed, a pair of slip-proof socks the hospital gave me, and a pair of boxer shorts.

I came back to my room to see Frank still hadn’t changed out of his daytime clothes, or taken the towel laid out on the nightstand. “... Hey.” I stood up, making sure he could see me. “What’s wrong?”

He looked up, and then back down, embarrassed. “... I-I don’t… I don’t want anyone looking in there. I-I know there’s curtains, but… Those can still be pushed open, and then everyone’s gonna see me, and they’re gonna make fun of me, and…”

I sighed. “... Would you feel better if I held your hand while you walked to the kid’s showers? And… And waited outside to make sure you’re ok?”

He thought for a minute, and then nodded.

I smiled. “Then that’s what we’ll do.” I held my hand out, letting him hold it, trying to build up his courage as he squeezed his towel in the other. Once he was at the door, he took a deep breath, and pushed the door open.

I waited out there for a while, my back to the wall. I remember having to do this basically all my life, standing guard while my sister was vulnerable. Bianca never asked me to do it, of course, but I still had to. She did the same for me.
Of course, when Hazel came around, I would never dream of making her return the favor.

When he came out, he was changed into bunny slippers and sweatpants and an oversized purple T-shirt. He walked back with me, but didn’t hold my hand on the way back. I guess he didn’t need the courage anymore.

I tried to sleep, but my hair still wasn’t dry. I felt like a soaking wet rat in New York winter.
I considered getting an electric blanket, but… I just decided to deal with it.
It wasn’t anything new to me.

Chapter Text

That morning, I woke up, and drank the electrolyte mixture I’d forgotten about the day before.

I decided to shower in the morning this time, and breakfast was largely the same. They gave me a strawberry flavored shake this time, though, so that was nice.

Then, it was time for my first therapy appointment.

I sat down stiffly on the couch, looking across from the woman I was supposed to tell all my secrets to.

She looked nice. But, once again, looks can be deceiving.

She cleared her throat. “Um… Should I start?” She asked, her voice quiet and a little distant, but still… Warm.

I shrugged, swallowing the spit in my mouth, before reaching for my gum.

She nodded. “I’ll start, then. My name is Miss Hestia. You seem nervous today, which is quite understandable. But is there anything I can do to put you at ease? Are you… Physically uncomfortable, maybe?”

I shook my head. I was already chewing on the nicotine gum, but I wanted to put another piece in my mouth. And another, and another, maybe the whole carton. It wasn’t giving me the relief that I needed, and I just knew a cigarette would. I want one so badly, just one, warming my fingers and lips and lungs.
Screw it, I thought, popping in a second piece of gum. I knew this meant I wouldn’t get any more today, and I didn’t care. Anything to get me through the hour.

She noticed. “... Is that nicotine gum, or just regular gum?”

I opened my mouth, finally realizing I’d need to speak again. “It’s um… It’s nicotine.”

She nodded. “I take it you’re a frequent tobacco user, then. Is that correct?”

I looked down at my fidgeting fingers, and nodded. “Y-yeah.”

“Right… Are you trying to quit?”

I nodded again.

She hummed. “I’m glad. Addiction can be very hard to recover from, but it’s very much worth it. Can you… Tell me how long you’ve been using?”

“Um… I think… About five years, maybe? It could’ve been longer than that, I don’t… I don’t remember much.”

“I see… And how old are you now?”

“Um… Seventeen, just barely.”

“So, you’ve been using tobacco since you were twelve, maybe even younger than that. Is that correct?”

“Um… Yeah. I must’ve been, she was only two when I smoked for the first time.”

“Who?”

“My, um… My little sister. Hazel. She’s nine now, so that’s… Seven years.”

Her eyes widened. “So… That would’ve made you ten.”

I nodded.

She stared at me for a second, before seeming to gather herself again. “... Nico, when you first started smoking… Were you struggling with disordered eating? Or was it only afterwards?”

I sighed. “Honestly… I don’t know when it started.”

“Well… When was the first time you denied yourself food?”

I had to think about that for a bit.

I tried to remember…

“... Probably… I’m sorry that I can’t remember any exact ages. That I’ve… Forgotten so much. Shitty memory, I guess.”

She shrugged. “It’s fine. Detailed memory retention isn’t exactly a priority when the body is undergoing a situation it perceives to be life threatening. Especially during periods of starvation, since pretty much every part of you is unable to do everything that it normally could, your body focuses on only the most basic, necessary functions it needs to perform in order to keep living. So, you stop thinking clearly, you forget things, you lose your ability to regulate your emotions. And yes, you stop taking in details like how old you are, what day it is, exact words that are said or unsaid. Anything you didn’t need to know right then, in that moment, in order to avoid danger, your brain didn’t waste its energy on. It’s called survival mode.”

I looked down at my hands, which were shaking. “... You know a lot about this, don’t you?”

“I have to,” She said. “it’s my job.” She sighed. “Listen… I know you said you didn’t remember how old you are, but… Do you remember anything about that moment?”

I started to fidget. “... Hazel wasn’t born yet. It was… Bianca had yelled at me a few hours before. That was the only time she did it, that I remember. And… She said she was going out to the gas station for dinner, and asked if I wanted anything. And… I said no. Even though I hadn’t eaten that day, I just chugged a bunch of water and went to sleep.”

My eyes darted up for a second to see her reaction. She looked shocked, and sad, and unsure how to respond.

I looked back down. “... Shit, sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?”

I shrugged, unsure how to answer.

This was gonna be a long hour.

“... If you don’t mind telling me… Who’s Bianca?”

I winced. “... My, um… My older sister. She took care of me when nobody else could, or wanted to. And… She’s gone now.”

Miss Hestia sighed. “I’m… Very sorry to hear that. Do… Do you remember what she was yelling at you about?”

“I think… I think I was talking to a stranger, and… She told me I’d kill her one day. That… That I’d give her a heart attack, and kill her, and it’d be all my fault.”

I saw her hand clench into a fist, and tried not to flinch. “That… That’s a horrible thing to say to a child.”

Protectiveness swelled in my chest. “Yeah, well, she was still a child herself. It’s not her fault.”

“I never…” She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “... Let me rephrase that. That’s a horrible thing for a child to hear.”

I still wasn’t over what she’d said about Bianca.

She continued. “... It can be a complicated situation, being cared for by people who, themselves, are in significant psychological distress. I won’t pretend to know much about your family, but being thrust into a caregiving role at a young age is largely a traumatizing experience. It’s very mature of you, that you recognize and empathize with everything your older sister was going through at the time, even if it’s only in retrospect.”

I felt a small smile curl onto my face, despite it all.

“But, at the same time…” She sighed. “... You need to face the way this experience affected you. It may feel wrong at first, like you’re casting blame on someone who doesn’t deserve it. But if you refuse to acknowledge the ways you’ve been hurt, even by people you love, even by people who you know for a fact didn’t intend to hurt you… You’re just gonna stay hurt.”

I nodded.

It was another long while before she spoke again. “I’m sorry to pry, but… You mentioned drinking a lot of water, I… Assume, in order to make skipping dinner more bearable. How… How did you know to do that?”

I swallowed. “... I’d done it before.” I answered. “We both did. She… She showed me.”

“She, being…?”

“Bianca.”

“... Right. Forgive me if I’m overstepping, but… Have you ever faced food insecurity?”

It took me a second to realize what she was talking about.
I held myself, looking down at my shoes. “... Nobody’s put it that bluntly before, but yeah.”

“Oh dear. I’m… Sorry you’ve gone through that.”

I shrugged. “It’s just kind of normal for me.”

“I see… Well, I’m sorry to say it, but I believe we’re out of time. Do you have anything else you’d like to say, or ask?”

“No… Thank you, ma’am.” I stood up, and went back to the cafeteria for lunch.

Chapter Text

Most of that week was the same routine, I’d get up, drink the breakfast shake they gave me, try to eat a bite or two of the solid stuff, sometimes I could do it, sometimes I couldn’t. But I could never finish it, and I always ended up using a piece of gum. Then therapy.

I didn’t…
I didn’t talk much in therapy.

Mostly, I just tried to run out the clock. She would ask me certain questions, the look on her face was always the same. Dark brows furrowed between tan skin, lips pursed, like she was trying to chisel open a particularly stubborn rock, hoping to find a fossil inside. She seemed patient, determined, but still frustrated with my lack of cooperation, and I felt kind of guilty. After all, she was just trying to do her job, figure out what’s wrong with me.

But I didn’t feel like opening up.
Surely I wasn’t the first one.
Surely she understood.

Then, it was time for lunch, and then a nap, then dinner, then my electrolyte bottle, and lights out.

Then came the end of the week, and with it, my weekly check up, replacing the time that was normally reserved for therapy.

“Ok, seems you’ve gotten stronger, a little more alert.”

I hadn’t noticed, but it certainly made sense. After all, my first therapy session was a lot more vulnerable than I’d ever have gotten with her otherwise.

“Still a little spacey, it seems.”

I snapped back to reality. “Sorry, sir. I’m just, uh… Distracted.”

“Hey, there’s no need to apologize for your symptoms, ok? Mental fog is nearly ubiquitous among our patients, especially when they’re new like you.”

I sighed. “I know.”

He hummed. “Have you still just been drinking, or have you moved on to soft solids?”

I shrugged. “I-I keep trying, but…”

I could see the pain in his eyes. “... I understand. I’m glad that you’re trying. How often have you been using the nicotine gum I gave you?”

I swallowed. “Well, I… I’ve been using it more often than you prescribed.”

“I see… How much more often?”

“Three times a day, usually. Right after a meal. Sometimes more than that.”

“Right. Well, most people use 8 pieces a day, I just figured you would need less thanks to your low cigarette use. I guess I lowballed a bit too hard. Tell me if it gets more frequent, though. This is meant to wean you off of nicotine, not the other way around.”

I nodded. “Right. Thanks.”

“Is there anything else you feel you need to tell me?”

“Um… No.”

“Ok, then. You have a good rest of your day.”

-

When it came time for Sally’s visit, Percy was actually the one to come. “Sorry she couldn’t make it, but Estelle is sick right now. I hope you’ll still see me.”

I smiled a little. “I don’t mind, I… I get it. Kids get sick a lot.”

“Actually, this is the first time she’s had any sort of issue, and she’s going on eight months now.”

“Right… Maybe it’s just Hazel that got sick a lot.”

Percy sat next to me, his arm laid gently around my arms. “... Are you doing ok?”

I felt a knot in my throat. “... I made her go to school. Almost every time. I only let her stay home twice.”

He looked… Disturbed. “Why?”

“I had to, ok? I… There was free food, and she was out of the house…” I was full-on crying now. “... But she was mad at me. And I understand why. And I still hate myself for it.”

Percy sighed, and wrapped his other arm around me. “Oh, Nico… You did everything you could.”

“But… I could’ve…” I sighed.

“Could’ve done what?”

I shrugged.

I could’ve given her up.

I didn’t dare say it aloud. I hated myself for that, too. For even considering it.

So I just stayed quiet, letting him hold me until we ran out of time.

-

The next day, my therapy appointment was a lot more eventful. “So, anything happen yesterday?”

I shrugged. “Well… I had a visitor.”

“I see. What were they like?”

“He’s nice, very… Comforting. His name is Percy.”

She nodded. “... How do you know him?”

I held myself a little. “... We were little kids.” That’s all I would say. If I got arrested now…

“Right… So, were you in the same class, or… Neighbors, maybe?”

“No.”

She looked me up and down. “... Look, I understand if you don’t want to tell me. But if you’re worried I could tell somebody, just know that not only would it go against my personal values, but the law as well. You could confess to a murder here in this room, and unless you were determined to be a danger to yourself or others, or that your life is being endangered by another person, I couldn’t say anything, to anyone.”

I looked at her skeptically. “You’d… Still tell the cops, though, wouldn’t you?”

“No.”

“... My dad told me you would.”

“Is he a police officer?”

I nodded.

“Then he should know better.”

I looked down at my shoes, unsure of what to say.

So she moved on. “When did he tell you that? Do you remember?”

I nodded. “Um… The school contacted him. Told him that some teacher was worried about me, and I was supposed to go to some school psychologist. So he, um… He pulled me aside, and told me that they’d repeat everything to the police, so… I had to be careful what I said.”

She looked horrified. “... I see…” She took a deep breath, seeming very upset. “... So, he scared you out of being honest with this school therapist, by telling you anything you said would get back around to him. Is that correct?”

I nodded. “That’s… Part of it.”

“Can you tell me what else you were afraid of?”

That I’d get arrested.
That he would put me in jail and never let me out.
I stared at the rug, ornately patterned. The room was pretty cozy, for being a therapist office.

She sighed. “I understand… What was the teacher worried about, specifically? Do you remember? Or… Is this something you’d rather not talk about?”

I shrugged. “Beats me. I mean, sure I was quiet, and fidgeted a lot, but otherwise… I was pretty normal. I… I think so, anyway.”

“Normal is relative. What you think of as ‘normal’ may be concerning to others. Tell me, do you remember anything coming of that visit?”

“Well… Not really, no.” I bit my lip. “I… I do remember, she sent a referral to some kind of assessment, but I don’t remember what for. We never went, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”

She nodded. “Tell me, when was the last time you had a check up? Before you came here, I mean.”

I shrugged. “I was in the ER for a few days, in December of last year.”

“Right, but I mean scheduled check-ups, or walk-ins… Dentist… Vaccinations?”

I sighed. “I think… I was three. My older sister was five. My mom… She’d told my dad to get us tested for some… Disease she had. I guess it was genetic. We were both in the clear… I think. It’s all fuzzy, but… I guess we were. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that was the last time.”

Her eyes went wide. “... I see. So, you’re not up to date on your vaccines?”

“Well, no.”

She nodded. “... You should, um… Tell your doctor that, when you next see him. Ask if you’re healthy enough to get them. But more relevant to this session, it sounds like you’ve dealt with a lot of neglect as a child.”

I shrugged. “Could’ve been worse.”

“It could always be worse. That’s not a very good metric.” She jotted something down in her notes. “... Could you tell me more about Percy?”

I relaxed, grateful for the subject change. “Well, we’re pretty close, I’d say. He’s… Kind of my only friend. He’s caring, and funny, and… He’s the only person I can cry around, y’know? Well… Him and his mom.”

She nodded. “Yeah… It’s important to have people like that in your life. But why don’t you feel like you can cry around other people?”

“I… I dunno. I just… I don’t. It’s like I can’t.”

“Hm… Do you feel numb, a lot of the time?”

“I mean… I guess.”

“Ok, we’ll have to talk about that tomorrow. Unfortunately, we’ll have to wrap this session up, but I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today. Any comments or questions?”

I shook my head.

“Alright, I’ll send you on your way, then.”

When I got back, Frank was reading his little hockey book. “Oh… Hey.” He looked up at me.

I sat on the bed. “Hey… What’s up?”

“... I turned away a visitor today.”

I blinked in surprise. “... Oh.”

“It was my dad.” He sighed, curling up on his side. “... He’s mean. He’d just tell me I didn’t need to be here the whole time, like I chose to be here.”

I nodded. “He sounds like a jerk.”

“Yeah… He yells at me a lot.” His voice cracked, and I was worried he was crying.

“... Do you want a hug?” I asked, looking down at him. Yeah, he was crying a little.

He curled up closer, and I took that as a yes, wrapping my arms around him. “I don’t know why he won’t just leave me alone…” He sniffed. “He keeps telling me I should be happy because he doesn’t hurt me, but… He does. He yells at me, and makes fun of me… And he makes me wanna hurt myself.”

“Oh, kid…” I felt my throat knot up. “... I’m so sorry your dad sucks so much. Y’know… You can talk to me, if you need to. About anything.”

“C-can… Can you give me your phone number? So I can talk to you when I get out of here?”

“I… I don’t have a phone. I’m sorry, Frank.”

“So… This is it, then. I really am alone.”

I looked down at him, and let out a heavy sigh, hugging him tight. “You won’t be alone forever, ok? I... I know I’m not gonna be in your life for long, but… You’re gonna find people you can talk to, I swear you will. They really are out there.”

“But… What do I do, until then?”

I shrugged. “Just… Try to remember, you don’t deserve to hurt. In any way.”

Frank smiled a little, before hugging me back. “... Thanks.”

Chapter Text

The next day, I talked to her a lot more.

And the next, after that. The whole week, actually. I wasn’t afraid of my own words coming to bite me in the ass anymore, so… I told her about dad.

I even cried once.

“You seem to be improving by quite a bit.” The doctor noted, checking me over. “ I’m glad. Anything to report on your nicotine usage?”

I shrug. “I’ve been using less.”

“That’s good, that’s good. How about your issue with solids?”

“That’s still, um… Kind of stagnant. I’m able to eat crackers, though. It’s a little harder than just drinking a protein shake, but it’s doable.” I just had to convince myself that those tiny bits of food were too insignificant to share anyway. It was hard, though. All my life, every bite counted. Usually, I had to crush them up and eat them a few crumbs at a time. I didn’t want to tell him that, though. That was for my next session.

“That’s good! I actually think you’re ready for group therapy, physically anyway. Your electrolyte levels are under control, and 8 hours a day should be enough sleep now.”

I nodded. “... Ok.” I was kind of nervous about it, but… I wanted to try. “Oh, by the way… Um, I realized, recently, that I wasn’t up to date on my vaccines. Um… Do you think I’m well enough for them now?”

He gave me a once-over, and then nodded. “Yeah. We’ll just start with one, though. See how well you take to it. We’ll start with the flu vaccine, roll your sleeve up for me ok? I gotta get to your shoulder.”

I rolled my T-shirt sleeve up and waited for the vaccine. He pulled out a needle, and I tried to brace myself. I remember the day I realized that vaccines were shots. It was during Hazel’s stint in the ER for strep throat, when I told them she’d never been vaccinated. They had to wait until she wasn’t sick anymore, and then put her through multiple rounds of shots. I had to hold her still and shush her while she cried, scared and in pain. My own instincts were begging me to pick her up and run to the bathroom again, looking for wounds, cleaning and bandaging them with what little medical supplies we had.
But I had to stay right there.
I had to watch as they jabbed her with needle after needle, injection after injection.

“Alrighty, it seems we’re done. You can go back to your room now.”

I hadn’t even noticed the shot.

-

I went through the motions until group therapy, sitting nervously in the foldable metal chair. There was a man with olive skin and black hair and violet blue eyes, much older than most of us, who had a name tag. Mr. D. “Hi, my name’s Mr. D, you can call me Dio if you wanna get close. So, um…” He looked over at me. “Oh, shit. Hi there, you uh… Snuck up on me, kid.”

I felt my face get warm. “S-sorry. I do… Have a habit of doing that.”

“Right… Have yourself a seat, what’s your name?”

“Um, N-Nico.”

“Alright, Nemo. Go on, make yourself comfortable.”

I sat down on one of the metal chairs.

Mr. D snorted. “Yeah, I know it’s hard with this cheap crap they call furniture, but just do your best. You’re stiffer than the drinks I pour myself every night.”

This was a mistake.

I looked down at my fidgeting hands the entire time, just listening to people talk around me, about their various problems. Almost all of them were some variant of thinking they’re fat or ugly. I felt like I didn’t belong here. Like this chair wasn’t really meant for me, and I was taking up valuable space.

Basically everybody left, but I was stuck, unable to move even though I so desperately wanted to.

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I jumped and yelped, shrinking into myself. “Woah, woah, take it easy kid. I don’t bite.”

I blinked tears out of my eyes, tears I didn’t even realize were there.

“Kid, it’s ok. Look, could you just tell me how I can help?”

I whimpered, my lungs getting tighter, and tried to stand up and run only for my legs to give out under me. I fell, and hit the linoleum floor so hard the knobs of my spine crushed my skin.

Mr. D knelt down next to me. “Hey, kid… Nico…” I looked up, to see him holding his hands out, looking at me like I was a wounded fox in a trap, wanting to help but scared of touching me. “... I’m sorry, if I did something. If I… Triggered you somehow. I won’t hurt you, I promise. I’d never hurt a patient. See those cameras?” He pointed up to the ceiling. “Yeah. They don’t record audio, but… They’re there to protect you. To make sure nobody tries to hurt you. Security’s watching to make sure you’re safe.”

I looked up at the corner he pointed to, and wiped my tears. “... S-sorry…”

He sighed. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about, alright? I’m the one who should apologize. I… I should’ve noticed when you shut down, I should’ve tried to help you sooner. You’re the newbie, right?”

I sniffled. “Y-yeah…”

“Yeah… Look, whatever I said, can you tell me so I don’t make the same mistake again?”

“It-it’s ok…”

“Well clearly not, if you’re reacting like this. Look, don’t worry if you’re asking too much for wanting to feel safe, that’s the whole reason I took this job.”

I curled into myself. “... Just… D-don’t talk about alcohol… P-please…”

“Okay, I’ll stop. Listen… I can tell you’re not calmed down all the way, let’s… Let’s see… What’s your favorite book?”

“What?”

“Your favorite book. Do you have one? I know it can be hard to pick… Mine’s probably A Confederacy of Dunces. How about yours?”

I shrugged. “Um… I… I guess Catcher in the Rye…”

“Huh… It’s been a while since I read it. Can you tell me about it?”

I nodded. “Um… The boy, Holden… I know a lot of people hate him, but I don't. I think he’s… Y’know, he’s just a kid. He’s not perfect, but… He’s good, I think. He wants to save people, he wants to save kids. And how he talks about Phoebe, his… His little sister… I just picture Hazel. She looks nothing like her, Phoebe’s pale and has red hair… Hazel… She’s black. And she has really curly brown hair, and brown eyes that look like gold in the sunlight, and her adult teeth have come in at the front but she still has a few loose ones, and… And she’s the sweetest, most precious person I’ve ever met. She’s everything to me...”

He smiled down at me. “Is she your younger sister?”

I nodded, smiling a little. “... Thanks.”

“Sure thing. Are you… Ok with touch?”

I shrugged.

“Ok, well can you at least follow me to the medbay? That fall looked really nasty, I just wanna make sure you’re ok.”

I stood up and followed him, letting the nurse patch me up. There were tiny wounds on my back, just like I felt. I didn’t realize they were real.

-

I went to my room, stayed until dinner, and Sally came to me again. There really wasn’t much to talk about, but… I liked being with her. She… She made me feel safe.

But then… There was another knock. “Nico, um… Someone wants to see you. Officer Ares?”

I tensed up. “I-I don’t wanna see him-”

“I’m sorry, but… This isn’t optional. This is… Y’know, next of kin type stuff.”

My heart dropped.

No. No, no, no… Hazel, please don’t be dead…

He stepped into the room, in full uniform no less, and I could feel Sally’s arms around me. “Yes, officer?” She asked.

“Um. I’m sorry if this is a bad time, but I need to tell you… Your father was found dead a few days ago.” I tried not to let the relief show on my face. “He wasn’t showing up to work, but y’know, he had a tendency to do that, just drop off the face of the earth, but… Then it was a few weeks, a month even. We did a wellness check on him, and… Yeah. The forensics team determined he’d died a little before Christmas. It looked like some kind of violent crime. Would you happen to know anything about that?”

I shook my head. “I… My sister and I were in the hospital for a long time. I… Guess it must’ve happened then.”

“Right. I’ll keep you posted, if we ever find the guy that did this.” He reached over and patted me on the head, which I grimaced at, but didn’t verbally complain. “I swear, we won’t let it go cold. Sorry about losing your dad, by the way.” He walked out of the room, and I sighed.

I looked over at her, and I wanted to tell her the truth, but… I couldn’t.

What if she hated me?

Chapter Text

I couldn’t choke a single thing down the next morning, not even the shakes I normally subsisted off of.
I didn’t deserve it, I didn’t deserve any of this, I was gonna get someone in trouble. Someone who didn’t do anything wrong. And Ares had a tendency to fly off the handle, no way would he wait until the suspect was actually found guilty. He’d just kill them himself. After all, they were partners for far longer than I was alive.
I should just confess. Turn myself in so they can let me rot in prison or inject me with poison and dump my body in the Hart Island graves. It’s what I deserve anyway. It’s what I’ve always deserved. Ever since I was born, all I’ve been is a burden and a bother to people far too good to have to deal with me. Bianca, Sally, Percy, Leo…
But I couldn’t. I had to be there for Hazel when she got out of the hospital. She doesn’t trust most people, but she trusts me more than anyone. If I’m not there for her to lean on, she’ll be so scared, and so alone, and…

I went to the bathroom, abandoning my tray, and just sat on the toilet, waiting until the pangs and weakness washed over me like a tidal wave of bitter medicine.

I stumbled out of the bathroom, satisfied, and went to my therapist appointment.

I didn’t tell her.

Instead, I told her about Leo. “I think it’d only be right to stop by the juvy center and see him. He was sentenced until he was 18, and… Well, I know he’s probably scared of what comes after. He could use some support.”

“I see… Do you know why he’s in juvy?”

I nodded. “My dad framed him. He, um… He beat me up, and then arrested him.” I swallowed. “I… I should’ve said something.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Nico. You were a child, too afraid of your father to defy him. It’s ok.” Her voice was so soft I couldn’t help but believe her. “... How did you meet, you and Leo?”

I sighed. “Well… Y’know, I used to go to church, kind of often. And there was a food pantry. I had to use it for a time, but before that, I… I used to help out there, stacking boxes and putting everything in its place so people could reach. And… Leo was there. He asked me for a lift, so he could get a jar of peanut butter. And after I’d helped him out, we talked a little bit. He was… A good friend. He watched over Hazel when she was a baby, and I had to leave for school.”

She nodded. “Sounds like you miss him… So, you had access to a food pantry, what happened? Did anything happen, to make you stop going?”

I sighed. “Yeah… Someone barred me from using it. They didn’t realize I needed it, and I didn’t want to tell them.” I hugged my knees. “It sucks that it took that long to realize the church wasn’t on my side.”

“Oh… Could you elaborate on that, maybe?”

I sighed. “Well… Being gay, for one. And… Then there was… Something else.”

“... I understand if it’s too personal to talk about right now, but I’m willing to listen if you want to tell me.”

I rested my forehead on my knees. “... Once, when I was a kid. I think I was… Eight. There was this boy. He was twelve, so I figured he knew a lot more than I did. I looked up to him. And… I had a bit of a crush on him. He was in charge of communion, y’know, with the wine and the bread. And… One day… He took me into a broom closet, and we got drunk together. I knew it was wrong, but… I wanted to be with him, alone. I passed out, and… The next thing I remember is Bianca asking me where I’d been. I didn’t tell her, of course. I didn’t want her to know.”

“Right… Because you’d gotten drunk.”

I nodded. “... There was something else, though. Something I was hiding. At least… I think. I don’t remember much, but… I remember fumbling and rushing to… Do something with my pants. I guess, to get them right, somehow? Like they’d been undone. I think… I think I did something worse than get drunk. Something… Something I can never take back. Or… Tell anybody about. They’d be disgusted, surely.”

She seemed to realize something. “... You… You think… You’re the one to blame, for that?”

I shrugged. “I mean, whatever happened while I was blackout drunk is probably my fault. I was the one who chose to drink, after all. It’s not like I didn’t know what it was, or what it did to people. I grew up with a fucking alcoholic in the house. I… Really had no excuse.”

“Nico… You were eight. And you trusted this boy.”

I looked down at my hands, shaking violently. “... Yeah. I should’ve known better.”

“Or maybe… He should’ve treated you better. Maybe the adults around you should’ve protected you.”

I laughed. I actually laughed, just a short, cynical one, but still. “Yeah. Well, that was never gonna happen. No use in blaming other people for my own mistakes.”

She sighed. “... This wasn’t your mistake. I… I’m sorry if I’m missing something, but this sounds an awful lot like… Well, like you were raped.”

I froze. Raped? No… No, that couldn’t be right. He… I chose to… And… And then yeah, I was asleep but… I never said no. He didn’t beat me.
I shook my head, numb. “... I couldn’t’ve been. He… He was a kid too.”

She nodded, her eyes glued to the floor. “It’s… More common than one would hope. Or expect.” She looked back toward me. “What happened to you isn’t your fault. Just… Sit with that for a moment, ok?”

I tried to process what she’d said.

It wasn’t my fault.

It wasn’t my fault.
It wasn’t…

I felt tears gather in my eyes.

It wasn’t my fault.

-

I didn’t eat for the rest of the day. I went to the group therapy, listened but didn’t talk much. I went to bed, finding it hard to believe what I’d pulled off.

The next day, I wasn’t so lucky. I showered first thing in the morning, my knees wobbly and my stomach lurching. I was barely able to put pants on before I felt myself falling to the ground. And when I woke up next, I was in a completely different bed than usual. This one… It was bigger than the bed I had here, or the one at my old house. It was the size of the one in the guest room at Sally’s house. The one I’d been sleeping in.

The sheets were cold, and thin, but clean. My head was pounding. I looked over, and I had an I.V. Oh… I must be in the medbay they talked about. I tried to sit up, but a voice came from my left. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
I looked over, and a nurse in scrubs was looking down at me. “You have a concussion, and a few bruised ribs. One of them’s broken too, and your left wrist. You really should be tested for osteoporosis, because a fall that short wouldn’t break healthy bone.”

I nodded. “... What time is it?”

“It’s almost midnight. You’ve been out for several hours. We had to put you on I.V nutrition because your blood sugar was getting dangerously low. Any pain?”
I shook my head, but even that caused the headache to flare up. I winced, and the nurse just nodded. “Ok, we’ll put you on pain meds. And try not to nod or shake your head, just answer yes or no.”

“... Yeah. Ok.”

The nurse sighed. “Just… Get lots of rest and fluids. And don’t be afraid to ask for anything, ok?”

That was gonna be hard. I was always afraid to ask for anything. It was second nature to me at this point. If anyone asks you if you need anything, just say no. No matter what. Because it’s usually a trick, because dammit, I’m not made out of money, because it’d be easier for you to deal with whatever discomfort you’re in than it would be for them to get you what you need.

The nurse walked out of the room, and I was left to fall back asleep. I was so tired…

When I woke up next, there was a protein shake on my nightstand. Blueberry flavored.

I couldn’t take it.
I didn’t deserve it.

I looked up at the nurse. “I don’t need this. Didn’t you say I was on I.V nutrition?”

“Yes, but we’re about to take you off of it. You can’t stay on for too long, or your digestive system will begin to atrophy.”

“But, I…”
The nurse looked sad, and maybe a little angry.
I grabbed the bottle and began to drink, just to make sure nobody was mad at me. I couldn’t handle people being mad at me.

I wasn’t able to see Miss Hestia at all that day. I tried to drink as little of the shakes as I could. What had once been my lifeline was now just as capable of making my stomach settle with guilt. I even threw up once, on purpose. I’d never done that before, so the nurse assumed it was nausea from the concussion, and gave me more medicine.

I hated that nurse, and I hated the medbay, and I hated that I was being taken in here rather than being left to fend for myself. I’ve been through worse, so much worse, and I survived without any help from anyone. Why should I be taking up a bed and a nurse and everything else I was, rather than these being given to someone who actually needs them?
Someone who deserves them?

It was all so unfair, and it was all my fault. If I could’ve just stayed awake for a little longer, I would’ve been fine. I could’ve gone several more days without food before anybody noticed, or said anything. I’ve done it before. I could do it again. Why wasn’t I allowed to?

At that moment, Sally and Percy both knocked on the door. “Hi. I heard you got hurt. Are you doing better now?”

I groaned. “Yeah… Doing…. Doing better.”

“I’m so glad… I’m really sorry this happened.”

I shrugged. “I’ll survive… Why are you two here?”

Percy shrugged. “Figured you could use the company. Mind if I sit on the bed?”

“Go ahead.” The bed dipped, and I smiled softly. “Thanks.”

“Hey, you’re like family to us. Of course we’re gonna see you when you’re hurt.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. Somehow, I felt a bit rejected when he said that. Even though I’d’ve been lucky to have a family even half as nice as them.

“Besides, I… I wanted to give you something.” Sally reached into her bag, and pulled out Dolly, laying it on my lap. Well… It seemed like Dolly. But then I noticed the ribbon wasn’t frayed, the missing button eye was back. There were no leaks in the stuffing, no loose stitches along the pink satin lining of the inner ears. “I figured you’d want to have it for safekeeping.”

This time, I didn’t hold back the tears. I held her to my chest and let myself cry, tears silently streaming down my face. “... She’s gonna love it. Thank you so much.”

We talked a little bit more, and then, they left.

The nurse gave me another meal replacement shake.

And I drank it. All of it.
I had people who’d want me to. Who thought I was worth it.

-

They came again the next day, and the next, every day I was in there.
Sometimes they got me things to keep me occupied, sudoku puzzles and coloring books. Sally actually showed me how to play sudoku.
Paul came around sometimes, too. He once brought me my copy of Catcher in the Rye, and asked me if I’d like any other books. I just shrugged and said I really only remember reading this one, so I don’t know what I’d want. So… He really didn’t have to.
He showed up the next day, with like 5 or 6 different books. A Series of Unfortunate Events was one of them, well, the first one anyway. Apparently it’s an actual series. Two poetry books from different authors, a collection of fairy tales with beautiful watercolor pictures. The rest were nonfiction, about mythology from different parts of the world. “Well, you said you weren’t sure what you like.” He started. “So I figured I’d kinda… Get a little bit of everything.”

“Oh… Um. Well… Thank you. How long do I have, until these have to be returned?”

“Oh, you can keep them as long as you’d like. I bought them.”

“... So… You can buy them? And… And they’re yours, forever?”

His brows furrowed, I’m so glad they grew back. “Well… Yeah.”

I felt heat rise to my cheeks. “Oh, I um… I-I didn’t know you could do that.” I mumbled. God I’m so fucking stupid. How did I not know that? Why wouldn’t you be able to buy books? Why am I so-

“Hey, it’s ok.” Paul snapped me out of my thoughts. “I went through the first 25 years of my life not knowing you’re supposed to clean the lint trap, and the only reason I figured that out was because my old dryer burst into flames and I lost my favorite shirt. Hell, I still have to follow along with a video to tie my ties in the morning. It’s… Ok to not know things. Even if they seem obvious in hindsight.”

God I wish I had him as a teacher.

I smiled a bit, and looked down at the cover of the fairytale book, a woman in a tower with beautiful long hair. I’d seen this before, the story of Rapunzel. But… Rapunzel was always white, usually blonde, in those pictures. Here, she was black, with her hair in hundreds of little braids, golden trinkets and colorful beads and ribbons wrapped around them as the prince marveled at her beauty.
I couldn’t wait to read this to her, to show her all the pretty pictures of princesses and fair maidens that looked like her. I couldn’t help but think he picked it out for us.

Once they were gone, I actually read the Series of Unfortunate Events until the lights automatically shut off for lights out. Despite the fact my life story is depressing enough already, I can’t help but think of this like an escape. One where sure, bad things happen to kids that don’t deserve it. But the kids can fight back, even if it’s only in secret.

Though… Maybe I was doing that too. I just didn’t realize it.
By loving her.
By surviving.

-

Eventually, I was let out, deemed safe to return to their normal schedule. I took Dolly and the books to my room, though I’d already read the entirety of The Bad Beginning.
“Why do you have a stuffed animal?” Frank asked. “I thought you were too old for those.”

“Oh, um… It’s… It’s for my sister.”

“Oh. How old is she?”

“She’s nine, now.”

“So, isn’t she too old for those?”

“... What?”

“Well, once you’re in kindergarten, you don’t need them. It’s not healthy to let kids keep them after that. You have to make them grow up, take care of themselves. If you coddle them too much, they won’t be able to handle the real world.”

I was surprised to hear all that from an 11 year old boy. But, then again, kids that age have callous, edgy phases.
Well, some boys do. I never did. I couldn’t really afford to, with a baby on my hip.
I sat on the bed. “... Who told you that?” I asked. It just sort of slipped out of my mouth.

“My dad. I used to only live with him in the summer, but now it’s all flipped around because my grandma’s gotten worse.”

“Oh. I… I’m sorry. That must be… Really hard. But why would you listen to him?”

He shrugged. “Grandma didn’t dispute it when I asked her. So… I guess it’s true.”

“Well… I don’t think it is. I think you should be able to keep them as long as you want. Some people are traumatized, so they need them longer.”

“My dad says ‘traumatized’ is just a funny way to pronounce ‘entitled’. But like… I think that’s just because he’s a jerk.”

I nodded. “Well… I just hope you find people who aren’t jerks. Who… Y’know. Won’t shame you for keeping stuffed animals around.”

He shrugged. “I think that standard’s a little too high. ‘Long as they don’t suck up to my dad, think he’s some sort of hero just because he’s a policeman.”

I sighed. “... You and me both.”

“Your dad’s in the force too?”

“Yeah. I, um. I don’t like to talk about him much.” I sat on the bed. “Anyway, I’m gonna go, um… Take a nap.”

-

The next day, I went to my first session with Ms. Hestia since I got the concussion.

“Hi, welcome back Nico! I heard you had a nasty spill a while ago, how are we feeling today?”

I immediately relaxed upon entering her office. “Doing… Doing a lot better. I didn’t use any gum, like at all. I think I’ve officially quit.”

She smiled brightly, her hand over her heart before it picked up the pen to scribble in her chart. “That’s great! I’m so proud of you.”

I felt an odd lump in my throat. “... Oh. I… Th-thanks.” I sat on the couch. “... Um. So, can I leave now?”

She looked up. “Well… Of course. You can always check yourself out. If you need to contact me afterwards, just look up Dr. V. Hestia, my work address should come right up.”

“Oh, thanks. But… Why would I do that?”

She looked confused. “Well… Forgive me if I’m misreading things, but… I thought you and I were a good fit for each other.”

“No, you’re not. You are. You’ve… Helped me out, so much. But if I’m not smoking anymore then… What would I need you for?”

“Well, have you stopped restricting?”

I froze. “... What?”

“Well, do you still find yourself eating less than what you need? Even when you have enough in front of you?”

I considered saying no, but… That would be a lie. “... It doesn’t happen as often.”

“But it still happens sometimes.”

I shrug. “... It’s not a big deal. I won’t die from it.”

She sighed. “... Ok. Tell me, Nico. Why do you want to leave?”

“I dunno. It just feels like… Y’know, I have no reason to be here. I only came because I wanted to quit smoking, and if I stop um… You said ‘restricting’, right? That’s the word?”

She nodded.

“... If I stop restricting… Or at least, stop doing it as much as I was, then I won’t need to smoke. But I don’t care about how I look. And this place is for people that do. At least, it seems that way.”

She nodded. “I understand, really, I do. But y’know, eating disorders aren’t just about body dysmorphia. Deep down, a lot of the time, people are seeking a sense of control.”

“Control, huh…? I’ve, uh… Never heard that before.”

“I’m not surprised. The most common narrative about them focuses a lot on the dysmorphia, without touching on any other root causes. Which is expected, disordered eating really only became widely talked about as a criticism of unrealistic beauty standards, so it makes sense for the conversation to… Linger there. Just… Remember, Nico. Just because you don’t experience that one symptom, that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to recover.”

Miss Hestia smiled warmly at me, and I couldn’t help but smile back. “... Thanks.”

“Of course. Now… I’d like to talk to you about… Why you fell.” Of course. “... Was that caused by a restriction episode, do you think?”

I swallowed. “... Well… Probably, yeah.”

She nodded sympathetically. “... Do you have any idea what triggered that?”

I hated that I knew exactly what had happened. Because in retrospect, it was so stupid. How was any of this helping anybody? All I did was get myself hurt, and then everyone else had to help me through a problem I wouldn’t’ve even had in the first place if I’d just thought anything through, ever, in my life, and didn’t just let my emotions control me like i always do!

“Nico?”

“I killed my dad.” I blurted out, before I could even think better of it. I kept going, even when my mind begged me to shut up. “He was gonna kill Hazel, so I had to, but I didn’t say anything, and they didn’t find him until last week. Then his police partner came and told me he’d find whoever killed my dad, and I still didn’t say anything and now he’s going after some random person who didn’t have anything to do with this, and he’s a notorious rogue so he’ll probably end up brutalizing them, and it’ll be my fault because I didn’t confess, but I can’t confess or I’ll go to jail for the rest of my life and never see Hazel again, and she’s in a coma and she’s gonna need me when she wakes up, so whatever I choose, I’m gonna be hurting someone either way, and I just wanted to feel like a good person again!”

By the time I told her everything, I could see my vision going watery. I picked up a pillow and hugged it to my face.

She didn’t say anything for a long time. Was she mad at me? Had I crossed a line and she was about to tell me to get the fuck out of her office and never come back?

“... Nico…” Her voice was soft. “... Whatever your dad’s partner does is his fault. Not yours.”

“But I-”

“You’re a child. It’s not your responsibility to keep the adults around you in check.” She paused. “... On the bright side, though, I think this session has been very illuminating. It seems you have a lot of guilt inside of you, Nico, and it’s eating you alive. You’re looking for anything you can use to rationalize it, anything that could be your fault, but the fact is, it was never rational to begin with. You were brought up to believe that you had done something unforgivable just for existing, but that’s not true, and it never was. If worse comes to worst, and your father’s partner does end up committing police brutality, then of course, speak out against him all you want. I encourage it. But you need to place the blame purely on his shoulders, because that’s the only place it belongs.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and let my tears soak into the pillow.
“... I… I think I wanna stay the full 6 weeks after all.”

She let out a long sigh. “I completely understand. Our time is up for today, is there anything you have to ask me?”

I shook my head and stood up, wiping my eyes before I stumbled out of her office.