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Ever since the separation, Crowley hadn’t been doing so well. Even now, a handful of weeks later, he often missed Aziraphale. Or rather, he missed the things they were and could have been. They could have been together, away from all the misery hell and heaven had caused them over the past six thousand years or so. They could have been an ‘us’.
For up to three weeks after his departure Aziraphale had tried to reach Crowley by phone. He left voicemails attempting to explain himself and apologising profusely. Crowley never listened to them, nor did he ever answer the phone. He couldn’t bring himself to listen to that stupid voice again. Not without thinking of their last interaction.
That kiss was the most heartbreaking action Crowley had ever performed. It was a goodbye to a trusted friend. Someone he loved and cared about. Someone he spent the majority of his existence with. It hurt to watch the only person he ever felt safe with leave. Abandon all they had together for the sake of a promotion up in heaven.
Heaven, the place that hurt him, that hurt both of them, so much. The place and people that tried to throw Aziraphale in hellfire and threatened to erase him from the book of life. Yet, for some reason, the angel kept going back. Like a dog that was trained to come to its owner upon being called. It was infuriating to be forced to watch so powerlessly while the one you love dearly makes a harmful decision.
Crowley had never been very good at letting go of things that mattered to him. Not a lot of things actually did matter to him, though. Only his car, his plants and Aziaphale. Of course he cared about other things too, but not as much as the aforementioned. Losing any of those things would cause the demon immense distress and hopelessness.
The first weeks after the incident Crowley had spent drinking and feeling miserable in the apartment that was rightfully returned to him after Shax left earth to rule over hell instead. He didn’t have anything but his plants and a couch to sleep on, but it was better than sleeping in an old car.
It had taken him approximately a month to get back on his feet and move on with life. But even then he couldn’t forget about Aziraphale. He felt stuck, as if he’d hit a massive invisible wall the moment the angel left. Things were so quiet and lonely now. Even more than usual.
By now Crowley was starting to feel a bit better. He was finally taking care of himself instead of sulking and bitching all the time. Taking care of his plants was one of the main things that kept him going. Where would they be without Crowley? They would wilt and die without his care. He couldn’t let that happen. Those plants were like children to him, there was no way he was just going to let them die like that.
That mindset had helped him climb out of a deep, dark pit of despair. Life wasn’t ‘good’ nor was Crowley happy, but it was certainly better now he changed his way of thinking. Nina and Maggie were the ones that pushed the demon into the right direction, so he had to pay them back someday for that.
Maggie had noticed that Crowley never really passed through the street anymore, even though it was the only way from his apartment to the grocery store. It concerned her, so she talked to Nina about it. Together they had made a plan to get Crowley out of his apartment and into the coffee shop for some social interaction.
The three of them had a good talk. Maggie comforted Crowley where she could and Nina gave him a stern lecture about his alcohol consumption and other self destructive behaviour. It touched Crowley to know there were people out there that cared enough to notice his sudden absence. For once he actually took the advice he was given and picked himself back up.
That all happened about a week ago. As of now Crowley was sitting on the couch, watching some drama show on Tv. A lot of ‘watching’ wasn’t being done, though. The demon was rather just sitting on the couch, completely lost in thought with an empty wine bottle in his hand. He wasn’t having a great day today. Naturally, he decided to drink away his sorrows once again.
Unfortunately it didn’t help this time. He only felt more pathetic and lonely than before he was drunk. On top of that there was a nagging knot of guilt in his stomach. He had promised Nina and Maggie to stop with that self destructive behaviour, yet he managed to fuck it up not even a week later. Weakness, that’s what it was. Or at least, that’s what Crowley told himself.
He was a demon. He wasn’t supposed to get this emotional over something as stupid as love. Maybe all those years on earth were causing humans to rub off on him. Just a tiny little bit. They are resilient beings. It’s admirable how quickly humans can get back on their feet after a beatdown with the help of friends and family. And although they are not always very intelligent, they give the best mental health advice and genuinely care for each other. Maybe it was their mortality that made them behave this way, maybe not. Who knows?
A knock on the door ripped Crowley out of his thoughts. With an annoyed groan he got up and opened, ready to drunkenly reject whoever decided to come by. He expected to see a salesman, already taking a breath to reject their offer when he froze in surprise. In front of him stood Aziraphale. He was wearing a nervous smile on his features as he stiffly waved his hand.
“Hello, Crowley. Can we please talk?” The angel asked. He didn’t wait for an answer, already pushing past the demon to enter the apartment. “Why didn’t you answer the phone? I rang you countless times, but you never answered. I was worried sick!”
Crowley slowly turned around, still standing in the doorway. He was trying to process what exactly was going on. For a moment he stared at Aziraphale with an unreadable expression, unsure of how to feel. Was he relieved? Angry? Concerned? Happy? No, definitely not happy. He was anything but happy.
“There’s nothing more to talk about, Angel. You went your way and I chose mine. It’s unfortunate that our paths don’t cross anymore, but so be it. Call it fate or whatever.” The demon said, a twinge of anger clearly noticeable in his slurred speech. Aziraphale had come over at the worst possible time and he wasn’t happy about it.
The angel shook his head in disagreement. “Crowley, I…” He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to say. Anxiously he fiddled with the ring on his little finger, repeatedly twisting it around to calm his nerves. It wasn’t helping. His head wasn’t clear enough to think properly and it was stressing him out.
Although drunk, Crowley was sober enough to catch on to this behaviour. It sparked a bit of concern within him that he quickly pushed away. He was supposed to be angry, not worried or forgiving. There was no way he could forgive the angel. At least not for the time being. Not after that horrible act of betrayal a few weeks ago. Didn’t that idiot realise what damage he had caused to their already wonky friendship? Or… relationship?
Whatever it was, it had been damaged. Badly damaged. A lot of talking and apologies from both parties would be needed if they wanted to fix it. Crowley wasn’t exactly in the right mental state to talk right now though. He was too drunk and pissed off to have a calm conversation, but he also knew that if it didn’t happen now it would never. So he waited patiently for Aziraphale to put his thoughts into words.
It took him a few seconds, but finally Aziraphale spoke again. “Listen… I am truly sorry for not considering how you felt at that moment. I know you hate heaven, I just thought- I just want to see you smile again the way you did when you created the nebula. And I wrongly thought that bringing you back to heaven would return that smile as well. But I was wrong.” He said before pausing for a brief moment.
He took a breath to continue speaking, but cut himself off halfway through. Crowley shot the angel a look of confusion as he finally shut the door. With a sigh he sat down on the couch and placed the empty wine bottle he was holding on the floor. When he looked up Aziraphale was still staring at him, hesitating on whether he should say what he wanted to or not.
“What? Just spit it out already.” The demon huffed, keeping up his annoyed facade. He refused to budge, no matter how childish this behaviour was considered to be. He had to let Aziraphale know that he was upset without straight up telling him. Maybe it would scare him away.
But did he really want to scare Aziraphale away? He’d been waiting for the angel’s return and now he wanted him gone? Crowley just had to swallow his pride and admit to himself that he didn’t want Aziraphale to leave. He didn’t want to lose him a second… no, third time. Realising that the demon sat up a little bit more, taking on a less intimidating position while still keeping his eyes on the anxious angel. Something was up, he could sense it.
“I’ve been let go.” Aziraphale muttered, almost inaudibly quiet. His hands were trembling the slightest bit and his breathing became sharper and faster, as if he was close to tears. It was barely noticeable, but all those years spent together had taught Crowley how to perfectly read Aziraphale’s body language. Not a single cue went unnoticed.
The demon scoffed and slumped back against the armrest of the couch. “You held out longer than I expected. Lemme guess, they didn’t like your ideas, so they bullied you away and then threw you out of heaven? Again.”
“Yes. Wait. How do you-” Aziraphale started, getting cut off mid sentence.
“It’s always been like that, Angel. You’re just too blinded by wanting to be perfect in the others’ eyes. It’s frustrating…” The grumpy demon interrupted. The last part was nothing more than some barely coherent mumbling under his breath.
Fortunately for Crowley the muttering was perceived as a mere grunt and no questions were asked about it. Aziraphale’s features turned sour, nose scrunched and lips pressed tightly together. He knew Crowley was right, but it still offended him for some reason. For a moment he wanted to snap at his friend, but he decided to keep at least some dignity and instead looked away.
“I don’t want to be perfect,” The angel finally said, “I just want to be liked by them. It’s not… fun to be an outcast. You know that just as well as I do, Crowley. I don’t want to be alone anymore. It’s… well… lonely. I want to belong somewhere and have a purpose of some kind. Is that really so hard for you to understand?”
He huffed a saddened sigh and looked back at Crowley. “Not everyone thinks like you. I do not want to spend my existence all on my own. That thought alone scares me senseless.”
“But you won’t be alone. We’ll be together.” Crowley said, sitting up straight this time to really lean into the conversation. “We can be an us. Partners. Lovers. Boyfriends. Whatever you wanna call it!”
He inwardly cringed at the desperation in his own voice. It sounded like he was begging, but he was too drunk to truly be certain if he heard it correctly or not. Whether he was pleading or not, it was making him feel vulnerable and he absolutely hated that. He glanced over his sunglasses to look at the angel, hoping his words had brought out a positive reaction.
What he didn’t expect to see was crossed arms, a stiff posture and furrowed brows. Anger. Aziraphale was angry and most likely about to give a lecture on this and that and blah blah blah. Crowley was already mentally preparing himself for however he would be scolded this time. Seeing Aziraphale genuinely angry was an extremely rare occurrence. It’s scary, yet oddly exciting. Crowley opened his mouth to defend himself in advance, only to immediately get shushed.
“Do you really think that having just one person in your life is enough? Some people need friends to rely on outside of their… romantic relationship. And you know how friendships with humans go. They get old and die while we don’t age a day. I’m bloody sick of it, Crowley. I just want to be accepted by my own kind.” Aziraphale said, voice breaking with emotion.
For a few seconds he stayed silent, trying to get his emotions under control again. After some deep, calming breaths he continued. “All these centuries here on earth have been full of amazing people, friendships and acquaintances. But it’s always temporary. In the end they’re just… mortal beings. Getting attached just means you’re going to get hurt. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing that.”
Crowley raised an eyebrow in confusion. “So just don’t get attached then. You can interact with humans without forming an emotional bond or whatever you call it. It’s not that hard.” He genuinely didn’t understand why Aziraphale would allow himself to get attached that easily. Of course, everyone thinks and experiences things in their own way, but still it was a difficult thing for him to grasp.
“Of course you say that. You’re a demon, you don’t know what love is. I just hoped that maybe there would still be something left of the angel you once were. Even if it would be nothing more than a shred of sympathy for others.” Aziraphale said softly, obviously still fighting back tears.
Those words felt like a punch to the gut. Crowley was riddled speechless, staring at the angel in disbelief. That caused Aziraphale to realise he had made a big mistake by letting his anger control his words. Upon realising that his eyes widened.
“No. No, no, I don’t mean it like that.” He said defensively as he rapidly shook his head and wagged his finger.
“Like what, Angel?” Crowley asked despite already knowing the answer. He just had to put Aziraphale on the spot to make him pay for saying such mean things. Perhaps it was the alcohol talking, but who really cares anyway? Why not have a bit of harmless fun?
Aziraphale opened and closed his mouth like a fish on land. He obviously didn’t know how to answer that question without further digging his own grave. Crowley couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of the angel’s face turning bright red with embarrassment. Even the tops of his ears went scarlet. It was kind of cute, to be honest.
Unfortunately the blush quickly vanished, replaced by a look of sadness disguised as anger. Crowley’s smile also disappeared, like snow on a hot, sunny day. He hated seeing Aziraphale so genuinely sad. It was so uncharacteristic, yet so real and painful to witness. Something had to be done to make the poor angel feel better.
“Could you stop joking around? I know you’re drunk, but this is a serious conversation. I do apologise for lashing out. That was childish of me.” Aziraphale said apologetically. His voice was wavering just enough to spike concern. Why was he still holding back tears? What was bothering him so much?
Before Crowley could even do as much as open his mouth to ask those questions, he already received an answer.
“I don’t know what to choose. I want to make the right decision, but choosing you means losing heaven and choosing heaven means losing you. I don’t want to lose either of the options.” Aziraphale explained, fiddling with his ring again.
“Besides, I miss the old you. As.. as an angel you were so happy. You had the brightest, most wonderful smile out of every single one of us. You were curious and ready to learn new things whenever possible. You loved, learned and had fun.” He continued, voice breaking more and more as he spoke. “Even after the fall there was still some angel left inside of you. Like when you saved Job’s goats and children. Or the talk we had after that…”
With a trembling hand the angel wiped the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. Crowley watched for a short moment as the love of his life slowly broke down crying despite his attempts not to. With a hum the demon got up and snapped his fingers. He may not be good with emotions and calming people down, but this time he knew exactly what to do.
The snap of his fingers miracled a record player into existence. It scratched and whirred for a moment, but after a stern look from Crowley it started playing a song. ‘Can’t help falling in love’ by Elvis Presley. Aziraphale didn’t even seem to notice. He just kept muttering apologies as he hid his face in his hands. He looked so miserable and vulnerable. It made the demon’s cold heart break into a thousand tiny pieces.
Crowley took Aziraphale’s hands in his and carefully pulled them away from his face. He placed the angel’s hands on his shoulders before gently grabbing his hips. Finally Aziraphale noticed the music. A glint of recognition appeared in his tear filled eyes and he quickly looked from the record player to Crowley. Slowly the both of them took a few steps, until they found their rhythm so as to dance with more fluidity.
“Is this-”
“August the 5th, 1962.” The demon interrupted. “I ran into you late at night. The prettiest lady I had ever had the honour to lay my eyes upon. Oh, you were so beautiful…”
“Crowley I don’t-” Once again Aziraphale was cut off.
Crowley shushed loudly. “Let me finish.” He hissed. “Anyway, you were crying. Your good human friend and beloved actor Norma Jean, better known as Marylin Monroe, had just passed away. Suicide, they said, but that was a blatand lie. Demons, my kind, killed her to spike controversy and maybe get some souls into hell. And oh, boy did I feel guilty. I didn’t kill her, it was another demon who did, but still.”
With a soft sight he rested his forehead against that of the angel. He was starting to get a bit emotional. Most likely due to the alcohol in his system, which is known to amplify emotions. Sometimes he still felt guilty for things he or any other demon had done in the past. He felt personally responsible for the actions of others, even if it was completely outside of his control. When he felt ready he continued talking, all while still slow dancing with Aziraphale.
“I took you to my place. I still don’t know why. It just felt like the right thing to do at that moment. We were just two ladies out in the dangerous, dark streets. Or well, we were fem presenting at that time. It was nice, we should do that again someday.” Crowley rambled on, interrupting his own story with that comment.
“I put on some music to calm you down, but it didn’t work. You were inconsolable.” He shut his eyes, taking his mind back to that day, visualising it. “So I pulled you to your feet and we started dancing. I was trying to create a distraction. You were so baffled that you stopped crying.”
Aziraphale hummed and pulled the demon just a little closer by wrapping his arms around his neck. “We danced for hours. And they say angels can’t dance.” He scoffed in mock-offence, followed by a soft chuckle. “And after hours, when we were both exhausted, we danced to this song. Then we fell asleep in each other’s arms…”
A short silence fell as they both stopped talking and the song came to an end. Crowley opened his eyes to look at Aziraphale. He pulled their foreheads apart and instead cupped the angel’s face. With gentle fingers he wiped away the excess tears from that wonderful face.
“I wanted to tell you I’m in love with you, but I chickened out at the last moment. That song…” Crowley paused, turning his head to avoid eye contact. “Subliminal messaging and all that. You never caught on, did you?”
“Crowley…” Aziraphale said in a soft, loving voice. Crowley felt a hand grab his chin, turning his face back to the angel. He looked a lot happier now. That sad look in his eyes was gone, as were the tears. His eyes now carried this gentle, love filled look that made Crowley feel all gooey inside.
The demon’s hands let go of the face they were holding, uselessly dropping to his sides. Aziraphale smiled a little. “I’m… I’m in love with you too. And I’m so very sorry for choosing heaven over you. It won’t happen again, I swear on…” He looked around, searching for something he could swear on.
“On… on my bookshop! I swear on my bookshop that it won’t happen again.” The angel’s eyes looked back at Crowley again. They were full of determination and hope.
“Then I swear on my car that I won’t allow you to feel lonely or sad as long as we’re together.” Crowley replied. He cupped the angel’s -HIS angel’s- face again and pressed their lips together.
Unlike last time, Aziraphale melted into the touch, pulling the demon closer by the collar of his shirt. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, then they both pulled away and stared at each other. Crowley’s heart was racing. This was a dream come true. Although his mind was clouded by drunkenness, he was bright enough to realise what was happening. They were finally an ‘us’.
“Angel, I love you.” He muttered. Tears suddenly filled his eyes as he was unable to express how truly happy he was. “I love you so much… If you ever leave again- I… If you ever- I swear to someone I will personally drag you back to me.”
He was stumbling over his words. Hot tears ran down his face and a soft sob emerged from his mouth. He didn’t care how pathetic he looked right now. He was just so happy and above all, relieved.
Aziraphale took away the shades that hid his lover’s yellow eyes before kissing his forehead. “I love you too, mí amor.” Gently he pulled Crowley into an embrace, rubbing his back until the crying slowed to a stop. A soft smile was displayed on his face the entire time, glad that the demon was receiving his return better than expected.
Once Crowley was done crying, Aziraphale sat him down on the couch. “Now you’re going to sleep your drunk off, you silly demon. Oh-” Before he even finished the sentence Crowley was already asleep.
A soft, amused laugh sounded from Aziraphale’s mouth. He miracled a blanket into existence and draped it over Crowley’s sleeping form. He quickly pecked the demon’s cheek.
“Sleep tight, love. I hope we remain together for eternity.”