Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Chaewon comes out of the doctors office it’s with the diagnosis anxiety, depression, stress and a recommendation to a therapist. She doesn’t have enough time to let it sink in as her manager is already rushing her to get into the car. 

It’s only two days later when the company puts out a notice: “ Le sserafim’s leader Kim Chaewon to go on temporary hiatus due to health issues”

Chaewon registers the fact that the public found out about this before her family did and she sends a mental apology to them, guilt eating away at her. She doesn’t read any of her countless unopened texts though, not from her close friends and not even the ones from her worried mother, and hopes that they don’t take it to heart. The thing is, she’s not ready to give any explanations and talk about her hiatus yet. How could she, when she hasn’t really realized it herself yet? 

It’s not like anyone actually gave her the chance to process this (her own issue and future, mind you) on her own. One moment she’s getting ready for her schedules and the next moment she’s suddenly told that she won’t attend any of her schedules any time soon and everything she prepared so hard for has gone to waste. The sudden change of schedule is disorienting to say the least. 

There’s always an ache to do something , and it feels as if there’s something wrong if she rests for more than a single moment. The girl got used to the hectic life of being an idol and suddenly not having the pressure to always be busy makes her feel like she’s slacking off. Chaewon is practically waiting for one of her dance teachers to suddenly appear out of nowhere and scold her for not perfecting the dance moves they’ve been working on. 

She wishes to be able to get back to her schedule, even if it’s physically demanding and stressful. She’s not allowed to do stressful things for a while though, according to the people around her that act like they know her so well. Really, it’s like she’s not allowed to have her own thoughts and opinions about this whole situation.

Most of all Chaewon just feels lonely: it’s a ugly feeling deep down her heart, slowly spreading to the rest of her body, that she has tried to push down but now has to confront all of a sudden. Being around her members all the time might be annoying at times when she would rather have some time to herself or a moment to be able to just exist in peace and silence but now that she’s on her own in the empty dorm and actually able to experience the silence she has been wishing for it feels weird, as if parts of her left her and it leaves her feeling kind of empty. 

Then there’s therapy: her manager picks her up once a week and she knows that she can’t refuse if she doesn’t want to piss off the higher ups any more and make them terminate her contract and kick her out or something equally terrible. Chaewon has to sit in front of her new therapist for an hour, watching warily as the woman tries to build trust and make her talk about her issues. Chaewon is never rude or straight up refusing to talk but she’s not open either and she knows that her therapist can tell. 

The thing is: this isn’t Chaewon’s first time going to therapy. She used to have a therapist – a nice middle aged lady that would sympathize with her struggles but never sugarcoat anything – right after her first debut and it was actually helping her for a while. After a couple of months her schedule got even more packed and her company decided that therapy wasn’t a priority for Chaewon (“your mental health isn’t as important as the money we’ll get out of you, so go back to overworking yourself” they didn’t say but that wasn’t necessary as Chaewon got the message anyway), so she accepted that and canceled any future therapy appointments. 

Now she doesn’t see why she needs to get help all of a sudden. As long as she’s physically fine there’s no need for her to get put on hiatus: she has been having mental health problems for so long that it feels natural to her now. Besides, she’s an idol, for fucks sake — what idol is completely healthy these days? Whatever, no one is listening to her anyway so why bother trying to make others listen to her and hear her out? She can be sulky about it all she wants but it’s not going to help her return from her hiatus in any way.

She wonders how much money it would take for her new therapist to reveal what they talk about in Chaewon’s sessions. It’s almost amusing, she thinks, to imagine how much money would let her stop giving a fuck about morals and make her speak. Then again, maybe she’s just imagining all these scenarios to not become insane from the lack of things to do (and maybe it’s not normal to fantasize about people wishing on your downfall and acting on it but she never pretended to be normal). 

Chaewon gets tired of sitting around and doing nothing rather quickly so she decides to spend the newfound time working out instead of rotting in her room. Her manager is not pleased as she needs to call him every time she wants to go to the hybe building for a gym session but he’s not allowed to let her go out in public on her own while she’s on hiatus so he sucks it up and gets her every time, even as he spots a less than enthusiastic look on his exhausted face. 

Two weeks pass by rather quickly and she’s sad that she only sees the members fleetingly. They make an effort to see her, she can tell, but their insane schedule leaves them a minimal amount of time to actually see each other — most of the time Chaewon is either at therapy or in the gym when they’re in the dorms or she’s already asleep when they get home. It’s sad for both the leader and her members but at least they can still see each other, even if it’s much less frequently than before. What she doesn’t expect is for the higher ups to decide that she should move back to her parents house for a while ( to “truly relax and take a step back from idol life”, they say). Chaewon doesn’t even know what to say: it feels like they’re trying to get rid of her silently. And the worst thing is that she lets them — she has long since lost the motivation to talk back to them or fight for herself. 

Chaewon’s parents welcome their daughter back sincerely but it’s awkward for both them and Chaewon herself. She’s a grown woman who hasn’t been living with them for years now and suddenly she has to come back and be a burden for her parents to bear. Often they don’t even know what to talk about, her parents trying to avoid talking about anything related to her hiatus and her job in general. She still has to go to therapy but she can tell that the lack of process is making everyone a little impatient and nervous. 

She doesn’t let herself go completely, the will of staying an idol and not giving up being strong enough to not gain an extremely noticeable amount of weight. She can tell that her stomach is a little less toned now though, her mother always trying to feed her as it’s one of her main love languages. Her sleep schedule changes into something more normal too and the eyebags start to get less extreme yet she doesn’t feel any better mentally — it’s stupid, she doesn’t want this break, has never asked for it and never even talked about her mental exhaustion, so how is it supposed to help her? 

The girl spends countless nights missing her members. She wonders when it became so natural for her to be stuck around them like they’re glued together. Has she been taking their presence for granted? The thought fills her with guilt. It’s not like they’ve fallen out of contact though: their group chat is full of messages nearly every day and the leader feels her eyes water at the way they include her in discussions despite her being the only one not present physically.

She calls Eunchae at least once every week, fond of seeing the way the maknae is so enthusiastic about talking to her and telling her everything she missed. Other than that she tries to contact the other members regularly as well. However, it’s a little bit harder when it comes to Yunjin.

Don’t get her wrong, Yunjin is important to her and she doesn’t want any less contact with her. If anything, she’d rather spend all of her time catching up with her and talking about everything she could possibly talk about. But that’s exactly the problem, isn’t it? 

Chaewon has been in love with Yunjin ever since they started to train together as a fixed debut lineup. It’s far from the first time the girl has ever fallen in love but never has it felt like the way it does with Yunjin. She’s used to having unserious crushes that fade away once she gets over the made up perfect version of the person in her head and she has also fallen in love a few times but it never felt like this: with Yunjin there’s something that goes beyond just physical attraction or a heart fluttering feeling, it’s like her heart is burning with the amount of love and affection she feels for the younger girl. It’s never just a sexual desire or sappy scenarios of some sort of domesticity with the girl but she sees herself longing for a future with Yunjin, no matter what kind. She’d even accept their relationship status staying as friends forever as long as she has Yunjin in her future at all. (A relationship would be even more of a dream, if she’s being honest, but she’ll take whatever she’ll get – she’s down bad for the girl to that extent.) 

Being apart from her feels like Chaewon’s heart is split in thousands of pieces. She doesn’t even know when she fell that hard but it’s like it’s physically painful for her to be away from the girl she loves. Maybe she needs this time to get over her: Chaewon tries to convince herself that she can come back without any lingering romantic feelings. Surely that would be better for the whole team and ensure that nothing about her friendship with Yunjin changes. 

It’s not that easy though, because when is anything in Chaewon’s life truly easy?

It happens when she gets out after her weekly therapy appointment one day. Chaewon is feeling exhausted both mentally and physically: therapy usually leaves her feeling like this. That day she just feels it a little more intensely, the ache of her bones and the mental tiredness being almost unbearably prominent. It’s nothing she hasn’t felt before, though, so the girl tells herself to suck it up. She leaves the building and looks around with confusion evident on her face as she can’t seem to see her manager or his car. The confusion gets even bigger when she spots a different familiar face instead.

Yunjin is walking towards her, a face expression that Chaewon might even describe as nervous on her face. “Yunjin-ah?” She asks, as if to make sure, and Yunjin simply takes the last few steps needed before she’s standing right in front of her leader. “Hi, unnie. How was therapy today?” Yunjin asks this like it’s a normal occurrence for her to pick her up after a therapy session. (Spoiler alert: it’s not. Chaewon is left feeling bewildered and confused at the sudden change in routine and the way the other girl is acting like this is a usual thing for them.)

Chaewon tells herself that it’s the reason why she doesn’t answer the younger girl’s question (not because she doesn’t really know how to give an answer to such a simple question, of course not) and asks her a question of her own instead. “What are you doing here?” She didn’t mean for her voice to come out as sharp and almost accusing the way it did and she immediately feels sorry as she sees the way Yunjin’s expression sours. “Where is manager oppa?” She adds in a more gentle tone to soften the blow. “I told him that we wanted to meet up after you’re done with therapy so he left already” When Chaewon doesn’t reply anything to that Yunjin adds “He asked if we needed him to drive us but I declined. We can take a walk, right?”

“Why are you doing this?” Chaewon is aware of how rude she’s sounding right now but she’s too mentally exhausted to filter any of her emotions and nothing comes out sounding the way she meant for it to sound like – she just hopes that her member knows that as well and forgives her for behaving like this. Yunjin’s eyebrows scrunch up into something disapproving before she lightly touches Chaewon’s shoulder. She pulls the shorter girl in for a hug (which is a gesture that takes Chaewon by surprise) and pats her back soothingly before answering the question that Chaewon asked and almost forgot about already. 

It’s easy to forget about everything else when she’s so close to the girl she loves, especially when they’re having skin contact: it’s a little ridiculous, actually, the way it feels like each inch of her skin burns as soon as Yunjin touches it. The burning isn’t a bad feeling though: it’s a burn Chaewon wants to chase after, a feeling that the girl is addicted to. Chaewon would do anything to stay in this position forever, she’d commit countless crimes if that meant that she could be held by Yunjin’s comforting body forever. Nice things never last long though, at least not for Chaewon, so it feels like not nearly enough time has passed when Yujin pulls apart from the hug again.

“Chaewonnie…Unnie, don’t you think we should talk?” Chaewon sees the confusion and hurt in Yunjin’s eyes and can’t bear to look at them any longer: instead she looks down to her feet and watches their shadows. She can apologize for not really contacting Yunjin throughout her hiatus, assuming that this is what Yunjin wants to talk about, but she can never explain why she avoided staying in contact with the other girl. Not without confessing her pathetic feelings, at least, and hell knows she won’t be doing that any time soon. She’s not trying to get her heart broken, thank you very much.

“Can we talk about it a bit later?” Chaewon looks at Yunjin’s face again and sees the disbelievement on it (paired with disappointment that Chaewon never wants to be the reason of)  so she’s quick to add “I mean today…just, maybe after we walk for a bit?” She makes it sound like a suggestion rather than an outright question and the taller girl considers this for a moment before nodding. “Alright” She says and takes Chaewon’s hand in hers as she starts walking. 

The leader actually freezes for a moment as she gets thrown off by the sudden skinship but when Yunjin tugs at her hand in question she gets her shit together and follows her. it’s weird how affected she is by casual touches that she was so used to already; Yunjin and Chaewon were quite touchy with each other since what must have been forever so why would it suddenly take her by surprise? Maybe it’s because of the fact that the leader has been left Yunjin-less for a while now – for way too long, actually. Surely that couldn’t mean that she forgot the way touching her felt? It’s not like she just noticed her feelings for the other girl, either, and the burning sensation at even the simplest touch was something she learned to live with, so she truly couldn’t understand why it was so much more noticeable now. Maybe it’s the nerves of having to talk about her distant behavior. Probably not. Chaewon brushes it off anyway.

They walk in silence for a bit at a regular pace but the older girl is sure her heart beats at least twice as fast as it should given their activity. She’s hyper aware of her hands being interlocked with Yunjin’s soft ones and really hopes that there’s no blush present on her face. She really feels pathetic at how she’s being a gay mess because of holding hands and the fact that Yunjin probably sees this as a platonic touch doesn’t get lost on her either.

Yunjin finally speaks up once they walk past a convenience store. “Unnie, do you want some ice cream?” Her voice sounds so pure and happy at the thought of something as simple as ice cream and who is Chaewon to deny her any happiness? Obviously she agrees, a fond smile creeping its way onto her face involuntarily. Yunjin lets go of Chaewon’s hand and the older girl has to hold back a whine or any other disappointed sound at the loss of contact and she knows she’s being ridiculous but thankfully the other girl doesn’t seem to notice this as she’s way too excited at the thought of getting a sweet treat. Chaewon doesn’t enter the convenience store just in case: technically she could just wear a mask and hope for the best (to not be recognized, basically, or at least that the worker doesn’t care about idol gossip and doesn’t recognize or care about her and her member at all) but she was told not to show herself in public throughout her hiatus and she probably shouldn’t even walk around the streets right now (her manager knows about it though and he hasn’t said anything about it so it’s not solely her fault, okay?) so she doesn’t want to piss off the higher ups even more and decides to play it safe instead.

It doesn’t take Yunjin long to return and once she does she hands Chaewon melona ice cream before tasting her own. The widening of the girl’s eyes, as if to show just how good the ice cream is, has no reason being this adorable and the older girl swears her heart melts at the sight. Chaewon almost forgets about the ice cream that was just shoved into her hands as she watches her friend with what must be a lovesick face expression when Yunjin looks back at her. “Your ice cream is melting” The younger girl states and when Chaewon looks down at where Yunjin is looking she sees that the other girl was right. She already cringes at the sticky feeling on her fingers that was caused by a few drops of melted ice cream landing on her hands. Her face scrunches up in disgust and Yunjin giggles at that. “I don’t have any wet tissues with me, sorry” She says, not really sounding sorry and continuing to watch her member’s misery. 

They continue walking as they eat the ice cream and Chaewon licks at the ice cream before any more of it could end up on her hands. Once she finishes it she throws the stick and the wrapper in a trash can nearby. Yunjin finishes right after her, throwing her garbage away as well. The sticky feeling of her hand bothers the older girl and it must show on her face as Yunjin sighs halfheartedly. “Hold on, unnie. I’ll be back in a second” She says after shooting Chaewon an amused look and disappears with hurried steps without offering any kind of explanation to the other girl. Chaewon stands there, feeling kind of dumbfounded as she watches Yunjin walk away. It turns out that Yujin stays true to her words and it doesn’t take long for her to return. 

It takes Chaewon a moment to realize that the other girl walked back to the convenience store they were at before and bought a water bottle and tissues but once she does she finds it hard to push away the heart fluttering feeling in her chest. “They had no wet tissues so I had to improvise” The younger girl explains herself and Chaewon shakes her head. “It’s fine. Thank you, you didn’t have to go all the way back” She replies and is about to take the tissues as well as the water bottle when Yunjin beats her to it. “Your hand” She says which makes Chaewon let out a confused sound. “Give me your hand” Yunjin repeats herself and opens the water bottle. “Okay, be careful or you’ll get wet” 

These words are the only warning Chaewon gets before Yunjin splashes some of the cold water on Chaewon’s sticky hand. The shorter girl lets out a shriek which seems to amuse Yunjin, making her laugh. “Sorry, I didn’t expect that much of it to come out” She opens the pack of tissues next and takes out one of them before taking Chaewon’s hand in her own and drying it with the tissue. Chaewon’s pathetic gay heart basically melts at the way the younger girl takes care of her. Once Yunjin is done she throws away the used tissue and flashes a smile at the other girl. “Are you thirsty?” She asks, lifting the hand in which she’s holding the water bottle in question, and Chaewon replies “No, I’m alright” before she flashes a smile of her own. Yunjin seems to accept that answer and puts both the water bottle and the pack of tissues in her bag before asking Chaewon if she wants to continue walking. Chaewon easily agrees and another moment of silence washes over them as they walk without a destination in mind – maybe the silence should be heavy with the anxiety of what they’ll have to talk about sooner rather than later, but instead it just feels comfortable. Being with Yunjin feels comfortable most of the time, Chaewon thinks.

If the leader is being honest she doesn’t remember the last time she took a walk just for the sake of taking a walk: she doesn’t remember it being so therapeutic, either. It might just be the effect Yunjin’s presence has on her, though, Chaewon can’t be too sure. All she knows is that she really needed this and Yunjin probably knew it too, hence why she made this suggestion in the first place. It leaves Chaewon feeling bad about basically ghosting her once again: she might be trying to get over her feelings for Yunjin but that doesn’t mean that she has to push the other girl away from her completely, that’s just being cruel and unfair to her. Chaewon is not perfect, though, and she genuinely doesn’t know how else to get over her in a way that doesn’t cause pain to either of them.

After a while the girls sit down on a bench in the park they ended up at. The sun is slowly going down and there’s barely anyone around which means that this is the perfect place and time to have the talk Chaewon has been dreading ever since Yunjin came to pick her up. The two members sit down with their thighs touching each other even though there’s more than enough space on the bench. Personal space has rarely ever been a thing for them, if Chaewon really thinks about it. She doesn’t need to think now, though, she needs to talk . It’s what Yunjin deserves at the very least.

“Yunjin-ah” Chaewon looks at the younger girl. “Mmh?” Yunjin encourages her to go on. “I think now it’s time to talk” When she doesn’t follow the words with anything else and there’s a moment of silence Yunjin says “Uh huh”. It’s not really to contribute to the conversation but rather to signal for the older girl to continue talking — so Chaewon does just that. She might not be able to explain the reason behind her shitty actions but the least she can do is apologize for her behavior.

“I’m sorry…I’m sorry for being so shitty towards you and basically ghosting you” The words feel heavy as they leave her mouth but she knows that they need to be said. “Unnie, I know that this isn’t exactly easy for you. This whole hiatus and all that, you know. And I get it if you’d like to take a break from idol life and if le sserafim is part of that” Yunjin takes a breath before she continues, a complicated mix of emotions painted on her face. “But then I…then I heard that you stayed in contact with the others just fine and it was just me you’ve been staying away from” 

Chaewon gulps nervously as she doesn’t know what to say. The words feel like a punch to her face and yet there’s not even an ounce of untrue information in what the girl has said. She can’t deny it because it’s true but Yunjin doesn’t know why she did all of that and she must be coming to horrible conclusions. “Yunjin…” “You don’t have to share everything going on in your life and I get it if you didn’t want to talk about it but…I just thought that I was one of your closest friends. Maybe you aren’t as comfortable with me as I thought you were, I guess” The self conscious tone of her voice doesn’t sit right with Chaewon at all — Yunjin should never sound so unsure and uncertain, especially not about her closeness and importance to Chaewon.

Chaewon puts her hand on top of Yunjin’s hand which is placed on Yunjin’s thigh, waiting for the taller girl to look back at her again. “You are one of my closest and dearest friends.” The word ‘friend’ coming out of her mouth when referring to Yunjin feels wrong, the thought about how she’d rather call her something more than a friend (her girlfriend, partner, lover…whatever Yunjin feels most comfortable with) present and yet she tries to push it away and instead focus on the conversation she’s having. “I never meant to make you feel like you aren’t and I really get why you might come to such a conclusion but I promise you that this is not the reason why I kind of avoided you…not just kind of, I know I basically brushed away all of your attempts at staying in contact” Once again she finds herself speaking the truth and the truth only. She doesn’t want to lie to Yunjin and she doesn’t know if she could even do it in the first place.

“Then why? Was it something I did? I really don’t get it” Yunjin sounds desperate for a genuine answer and Chaewon feels heartbroken as she processes the fact that she’s the reason behind the desperation in the younger girl’s voice. She doesn’t have the right to be sad about this, she thinks, because Yunjin was the one who got hurt by all of this but Chaewon just wanted to make things better. She really thought that making herself get over her feelings for the taller girl would make things easier for both herself and Yunjin and now she neither got rid of her feelings nor did she help Yunjin with making things easier. All in all she simply feels like a failure now, a fucked up failure that doesn’t deserve even the platonic love of the other girl.

“I’m really sorry” Chaewon repeats herself as she feels the presence of tears threatening to run down her cheeks. Her breathing starts to get shaky, a panic overtaking her body, and she hopes that Yunjin can’t tell. It feels embarrassing and pathetic to feel so unstable and panicked, if Chaewon is being honest.

Yunjin is refusing to look her in the face, stubbornly waiting for the answer she deserves. When she realizes that she’s not getting it any time soon her mouth twists into one of anger, a frown on her face. It shouldn’t be this hot: Yunjin getting mad, that is. Chaewon’s pathetic gay heart is messed up like that though, so she has to avert her eyes from the image of an angry Yunjin before she could properly get worked up over it. Now is certainly not the time to get horny.

“You’re really not going to give me a reason?” Yunjin asks, the anger obvious in the tone of her voice, and Chaewon hates herself for shaking her head. “I’m sorry, Yunjin-ah” She repeats herself like a broken melody. It’s not like she meant to lead her on — far from it, actually. It was stupid of her to think that they could talk this out without having to confess her feelings for the younger girl. Now she can’t do much more than just disappoint Yunjin. It feels like a shitty thing to do but it’s her own mistake so now she has to deal with the consequences of it.

The younger girl finally locks eyes with Chaewon again and the unmistakable hurt and anger is almost too much, way too raw to the point where Chaewon feels like she has to turn away. She doesn’t, though, instead keeping the heavy eye contact they’re currently having.

“But you promised me. You said you would” Yunjin suddenly sounds all small and sad like a kicked puppy, no trace of the previous anger being present. The change of emotions catches the leader off guard. “I’m not ready to tell you yet” Chaewon finally decides to say. ‘I’m not ready to tell you yet or ever’ she thinks but doesn’t say – that would just disappoint the other girl more and she has already disappointed her enough for today. 

Yunjin sighs and closes her eyes for a moment to ground herself before opening them again and saying “Well, you could’ve said that the moment you saw me instead of bringing my hopes up for no reason”. Then she stands up from the bench, making Chaewon look up to see her face and find an unreadable expression on it, and offers the shorter girl her hand. Chaewon takes it, although kind of confusedly, and then they’re standing side by side and she wonders ‘What now? ’.

“I’ll call manager oppa to pick us up and bring you home” Yunjin says when Chaewon keeps looking at her with an obvious question on her face.

Oh. So they’re not talking this out. Okay then.

“Alright” Chaewon says, biting down the disappointment she has no business feeling in this moment.

The leader can feel Yunjin’s confusion and disappointment — it’s not like the girl is trying to hide it either — and yet she still cares for her well-being, insisting that their manager takes Chaewon home first so that she’s able to see her get home safely even though it would’ve make much more sense for Yunjin to get dropped off at the dorms first.

It’s nearly midnight when Chaewon makes up her mind and decides to be the one to text Yunjin first. It doesn’t make the past couple weeks magically go away or anything akin to that but it’s something at least. Yunjin sees it almost immediately and wishes her a good night as well. 

Things are still kind of weird between them, not the comfortable way it used to be, but Chaewon has hope that it might get better if she tries to get over the girl without shutting her away completely. She goes to bed a little more relieved, some sort of calmness present in her chest that she hasn’t felt in a while (probably due to the fact that she finally saw Yunjin again after not seeing her for a while) and falls asleep while listening to Yunjin’s song. The girl’s sweet voice singing the chorus of Raise y_our glass is the last thing she hears before sleep finally takes over her body.

Chapter Text

The girls don’t meet up again after that last time for quite a while (and when they do it’s not actively Chaewon’s decision, although she’s not against it either — she’s trying to get over her feelings for Yunjin properly this time after all, not trying to cut off her friendship with the girl in question). 

The weird thing (thing? situation? atmosphere? vibe? Chaewon has no idea what to call it but what she knows is that it doesn’t feel great) between them gets better, though, and both of them feel extremely relieved about it. Even though they don’t see each other in person they spend much more time texting each other than they used to: at first it starts off with a few texts a week (which is something that could be described as contacting each other once in a while because the girls used to talk much more when they were still spending time together in person) after that failed attempt at talking it out, then it gets more frequent as the girls get more comfortable with each other again. Chaewon doesn’t text Yunjin as much as she would like to — the reason behind it is that she’s still trying to get over her feelings for the younger girl and spending too much time talking to her will make it harder than it probably should be. 

She learns from her mistake though and does contact Yunjin, even if it’s not as often as she actually ends up thinking about her and even as she’s trying to change their dynamic a bit (Chaewon tries to keep flirting to a minimum, knowing that it would result in making her fall all over again if they continue acting like they always do — and maybe that’s a problem too: their usual dynamic. Why was it so natural for them to flirt with each other? Sure, some friends do that, but it always feels a little different with Yunjin than it does with other friends. Maybe Chaewon is reading too much into it though. Perhaps she’s the only one feeling like it’s weird or different from how it feels like with others.)

A delusional part of the leader imagines talking about the issue with Yunjin again and actually telling her the full truth this time. She’d confess in a way that would sound all awkward and unnatural for sure, anxiety hindering her from making the words come out the way she wanted them to. She imagines how Yunjin would react to her confession. Would she be surprised at her true feelings? Would the girl be disgusted at finding out that she was seen in a not platonic light from one of her closest friends and come to the conclusion that their group would be much better off without Chaewon who so unprofessionally caught feelings for her member instead of being the reliable leader they needed? Or perhaps Yunjin would tell her a secret of her own in return: that she feels the same way, that she returns Chaewon’s feelings and feels a similar giddy feeling inside of her at even just the thought of the leader.

That would be too good to be true though, wouldn’t it? She sounded delusional even to herself — to think that someone as amazing as Yunjin would feel romantic love and affection towards the mess that Chaewon was? Completely delusional. The older girl had trouble in believing she could be worth for anyone to have serious feelings for — not including the love and support she got from fans because that kind of love was based on the persona she put on as an idol, because that kind of support was for who those fans believed her to be — and to even toy with the idea of Huh Yunjin loving her back felt downright ridiculous.

If Chaewon would let herself think about it long enough she would probably come to the realization that this feeling of not being good enough would be something she could talk about in her therapy appointments. Surely it’s not a normal thing to do: to see herself worthless of receiving any kind of love, that is. Maybe she would even talk about it if she still would have sessions with her former therapist – the woman wouldn’t pretend to care more than she actually did, she’d be real and transparent and just what Chaewon needed – but there was no way that she would talk about this with the therapist she was currently seeing. Even thinking of such a scenario seemed ridiculous to her.

What’s the point of opening up in her therapy sessions? She never asked for therapy. She never asked for help. All she wanted was to be on stage and now she was robbed even off that; and, if things continue being shitty like they are right now and her company gets sick of her, she could possibly be robbed of the chance to be on stage forever. Imagining a future without the ocean of fans shined on by their lightsticks and a future without the four girls who truly mean the world to her made her want to throw up all of the contents of her stomach.

The thought leaves her shaking and she feels ridiculous for working herself up to a panic attack at 3 am while lying in bed and being unable to fall asleep. Chaewon hugs her own body, trying to push down the panic crippling down on her, and lets out a sob when she fails to do so. She feels lost and scared and confused and most importantly she just can’t breathe. It feels like she might suffocate any moment and she needs some time to remember what her old therapist thought her: how to slow her breathing down again, how to get aware of her surroundings again, how to get over this horrible feeling that’s letting her think that she’s about to stop breathing for eternity any moment now.

Once she gets to that point – her breathing has returned to a normal pace and her heartbeat has done the same – she lets out a deep sigh and buries her face in her hands. “Fuck” She mutters to herself. “I’m such a mess” She imagines how she must look right now, face wet from crying, and lets out a laugh. For some reason this situation reminds her of another dark moment of her life. Life has never truly been kind to her, has it?

When Chaewon was announced to be part of the debut lineup she was aware of the fact that Iz*one would be a temporary group. She knew of the contract length, of course, and she tried not to take that little time for granted. It seemed like a long time at that time if she was being honest even when she realistically knew that it wasn’t all that long, especially for a group in the kpop industry. It left her feeling the same way she usually did; she continued living her life as a debuted idol with the thought “Nice things never last long in my life anyway”.

She got too attached to the eleven other girls and she knew it all too well but when she was ripped apart from them it still shocked her just how much all of it impacted her. Suddenly it was over as fast as what felt like blinking once – Their last comeback came faster than she could possibly comprehend, their last concert was her breaking point and the fact that it had to be digitally without a single fan present didn’t help in making it feel real. But it was real and she had to learn it the hard way. 

After Iz*one disbanded Chaewon cried more than she did in all of her life before it, she was sure of it. Her mental health dropped to a new low and it left her wondering if living was still worth it. She got to experience being on stage, the thing she was so passionate about, and she learned to love and appreciate her eleven other members – now that it was all over wasn’t it the best time to go and spare herself from the pain of losing everything that made her want to hold on?

Eventually she picked herself up again. The broken pieces of herself felt like she put them together all wrong, as if she didn’t do it quite right, and she didn’t feel like herself anymore. Most importantly, though, she got out of that truly dangerously depressed state after all, didn’t she? Besides, she wasn’t really the same anymore anyway; where once “Iz*one’s” was a title put before “Kim Chaewon” it was now only “Kim Chaewon”. Who was she now that she wasn’t Iz*one’s Kim Chaewon but her own person?

The thought left her thinking. It left her thinking for so long and so deeply that it almost resulted in another breakdown: an existential crisis of some sort. But when she got over it and told herself to get it together she was met with another offer – she got the chance to debut once again. With a different group, a different concept and different members. Perhaps the most different thing about it was that this time her group would be permanent.

One thing lead to another and soon she started preparing to debut for a second time, carefully letting the other girls she would soon call her members into her heart with the fear of getting it broken once more.

Which is how Chaewon found herself as a member of Le sserafim. Not just any member but their leader no less.

As she slowly recovers from her panic attack she looks for her phone and dials a number she already knows by heart. It feels selfish, incredibly selfish, and like a mistake that she’ll regret committing but the leader calls Yunjin with still slightly shaking hands. She needs to get the comfort of hearing the girl’s voice — even if she’s not physically here with her, her voice alone is enough to soothe Chaewon’s heart. What is she thinking, calling her in the middle of the night? Has Chaewon always been this selfish? Yunjin must be exhausted from a day of hard work and now she’s here adding another burden on her.

Before she could overthink again and hang up, Yunjin accepts the call (at an impressive and kind of concerning speed given the fact that it’s in the middle of the night and she should be sleeping). “Chaewonnie?”

There’s silence for a short moment before Chaewon decides that it makes no sense to hang up on her when Yunjin is already awake and she finally speaks up. “Yunjin-ah” She tries to make her voice sound as normal and okay as possible but she fails.

“What’s wrong, unnie?” Of course Yunjin would pick up on the strange sound of her voice after a single word spoken out loud. Of course she would worry for the girl who has been less than fair and not particularly the kindest towards her in the past weeks — it’s Huh Yunjin, after all.

“I’m…okay, don’t worry” Who is she kidding? Chaewon tries to keep her voice down to not wake up her parents. There’s a deep breath audible on the other line before Yunjin responds.

“Unnie” It sounds like disapproval is laced in her voice. “You know it’s okay if you’re not okay, right? You don’t have to be fine. You don’t sound fine. Unnie, you can tell me when you’re not feeling good, whether it’s physically or mentally”

Tears form themselves in Chaewon’s eyes and the girl lets out a shaky breath. “Fuck…I just” She starts crying again now and feels a mild amount of embarrassment about it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to cry again” The girl admits after a while and she can just make out the quiet ‘again?’ that leaves the other girl’s mouth. “It’s okay. Cry it out, baby, I’m here for you”

The pet name would make her heart flutter in any other moment but right now the panic is just too much for her to possibly feel anything else. She tries to calm down again and listens to her member slowly counting down with her, trying to get her breathing to an even and normal rhythm again. Once she’s done Chaewon dries her tears and looks at her phone, shocked when she sees that they’ve been calling for a bit more than twenty minutes already. 

Guilt makes its way into her and she can’t believe that Yunjin wasted her precious time on calming down the mess that Chaewon was instead of getting her well deserved rest.

“I’m okay now, thank you. Yunjinnie, isn’t it way too late though? I’m sorry for keeping you up” She wants to hide herself under her pillow, the guilt and shame inside of her being almost overwhelming, but feels kind of stupid about it given the fact that no one is here to see her do it. If only Yunjin was a little more selfish: if only she’d say something along the lines of ‘You’re right, you’ve been keeping me up long enough, go and figure out your problems on your own and let me sleep’ — but no, that’s not how the girl is; instead of telling her off (whether it’s in a kind way or rude way) she stays on the call.

“That’s nonsense, don’t apologize for something like that. You’re more important than sleep to me, okay?” Yunjin sounds so serious about it and Chaewon is left with the feeling of not being deserving of her love and care once more.

“I shouldn’t be though” She can’t help herself from replying. She can practically visualize the way Yunjin’s face expression turns into one of a disapproving frown as she says “You should be and you are. Don’t decide how I should feel for you”

“…Alright. Sorry” Chaewon is too exhausted to argue about this. Besides, she doesn’t want to argue with the other girl right now (or ever, really).

“And stop apologizing” Yunjin adds after the words leave the leader’s mouth. It gets a small laugh out of Chaewon that’s still too loud given the fact that it’s three am. The next words that slip out of her mouth surprise even herself. “God, I miss you so much”

There’s a piercing moment of silence on the other line and Chaewon wonders if she fucked up everything (if Yunjin perhaps understood just how non-platonic Chaewon meant these words and figured out the feelings she has for her) but then Yunjin replies something equally heart fluttering. “I miss you too. So much, you can’t even imagine”

“Oh but I think I can. I probably miss you more than you miss me” Competitiveness gets the best of the leader but it’s mostly a joke, playful bantering between them.

“How could you possibly know that?” Both girls giggle and Chaewon’s heart feels much lighter already. It’s the effect Yunjin has on her: she’s someone who always manages to get her mood up. It’s the effect Yunjin has on everyone, really.

“Do you want to talk about why you were crying?” Yunjin asks after they’ve calmed down from laughing and giggling with a bit of banter and teasing in between. Chaewon can instantly feel the way the atmosphere changes. “I just felt…overwhelmed, I guess. I thought a lot. I thought too much and it made me panic like that”

Yunjin hums. “What did you think about, if you’re comfortable with sharing? You don’t have to go into detail, just maybe a broader topic”

“Just everything. My hiatus, our group, my former group and how I felt when we parted ways”

“Are you scared of having to part ways with us, too?”

Chaewon takes a deep breath. When the period of silence tells Yunjin that Chaewon is not going to respond to that question she lets out a sympathetic sound. “Sorry. You don’t have to answer that”

“Okay…You should go to sleep, you’re going to be so tired tomorrow”

“You too. Good night, love” This time the usage of a pet name actually makes Chaewon’s heart rate speed up and she fights away a blush that no one would be around to see anyway.

“Good night” She replies before deciding to be a bit more open and sentimental — maybe it’s because it’s easier to get like this in such a late hour. “Thank you for this: being with me and helping me to calm down, that is. I miss you a lot”

“There’s nothing to thank me for but I’ll accept your thanks anyways. I love you and miss you too, Chaewonnie. Would you want to see me?”

“You know it’s not that easy, seeing you and all that” ‘and I’m trying to get over you which isn’t really working and I fear seeing you would make it harder’ she thinks but doesn’t say.

“But would you want to?”

“Of course”

“Mmh. Good night, dream of me” Yunjin sounds playful and amused as she says it and it’s obviously meant to be a joke but the thing is that Chaewon might actually dream of her. It’s been happening more often than not lately. The girl doesn’t know that though and Chaewon is not about to tell her.

“You wish. Good night to you too”

They end the call and Chaewon’s heart yearns for the other girl. It yearns so much that it’s hard to push the feeling away. She sighs, turning around and hoping that the change of position will help her fall asleep faster. It doesn’t and when she eventually falls asleep she sees Yunjin in her dream — just like she expected to, really — which makes her feel much better even as she feels slightly disappointed to wake up to an empty spot next to her in bed. 

Chaewon is listening to a Spotify playlist she put together a couple of months ago and hasn’t listened to fully since, when her mother suddenly opens her door. “You have a guest” She tells her simply before leaving, leaving the door open. Chaewon’s face morphs into one of confusion as she’s pretty sure that she doesn’t expect any visitors. A delusional part of her brain thinks back to the conversation she had with Yunjin when they called the night before ( ‘Would you want to see me?’ ‘You know it’s not that easy’ ‘But would you want to?’ ) but she pushes the thought away immediately, feeling pathetic for even thinking that it would be Yunjin coming all the way to her parents’ house to see her.

But then.

But then.

She lets her limbs drag her out of bed and go down to the living room where Yunjin is standing, having a conversation with Chaewon’s mother like this is a normal Tuesday for her. A part of Chaewon wonders if she’s seeing things: has she started missing the other girl so much that she has started hallucinating seeing her? However, when she closes her eyes, opens them and still sees Yunjin talk to her mother like they’re best friends, realization starts to come over Chaewon. Yunjin really is here. In her parents’ living room. Talking to her mother.

When Yunjin asked Chaewon if she wanted to see her, the leader didn’t expect her to take her answer so seriously. She didn’t even think about the possibility of the younger girl actually coming by to visit and even if she would’ve she certainly wouldn’t have expected it to be almost immediately after their call.

“Chaewon-ah, why are you just standing there? You’re being rude to your guest!” Her mother breaks whatever spell Chaewon has been under and the girl awkwardly makes her way to the two. “Baby” Yunjin says instead of a greeting and hugs her tightly as if they’ve been apart for years. Chaewon would be scandalized about the usage of a pet name right in front of her mother but all she can do is to soak in the feeling of Yunjin’s body pressed against her own. She takes in the scent of Yunjin’s perfume and the familiar arms around her and fights off the tears threatening to escape her eyes. “Hi” She says softly when they part, smiling at her member brightly even as her similarly bright eyes shimmer with unshed tears. 

“You guys can reunite properly once we’re done with eating, alright? Yunjin-ah, you must be starving, aren’t you? Let me set the table” Her mother breaks the moment of staring between the two girls and Chaewon could swear she hears her mother mumble “young love” as she makes her way to the kitchen. 

“You know, when I said that I wanted to see you I didn’t expect it to be this soon” Chaewon tries to sound casual and Yunjin shrugs. “I missed you” Yunjin says like it’s an explanation, apparently not minding that the other girl’s mother just witnessed all that. Chaewon is about to have a heart attack, she’s pretty sure, as soon as she processes the words that escape the other girl’s mouth. “Me too” She admits easily even if shyly, only hesitating for a moment before she kisses Yunjin’s cheek. Apparently that was the right thing to do, seeing as the girl breaks out into a wide smile.

Dinner is pretty uneventful, her mother surprisingly only asking a few mildly embarrassing questions before they’re done and go over to Chaewon’s room. “So this is your childhood room?” Yunjin inspects every corner of Chaewon’s room with interest obvious on her face. When she has seen enough she lets herself plop on the bed, laughing as it creaks a little under the sudden weight. Chaewon is quick to join her — both in laughing and getting on the bed, lying down next to her.

“Not that I don’t appreciate you being here but…why are you here? Did you think I couldn’t handle being on my own after you saw…or rather heard me panicking last night?” Chaewon looks at Yunjin’s side profile until the other girl turns her head to face her directly. Neither of them mention the blush on Chaewon’s face at being caught staring. “Like I said, I missed you. It feels so weird without you”

“Weird how?” Chaewon decides to be bold and brushes away a strand of hair that fell out of Yunjin’s messy bun and got into her face. “Nothing feels the same. It’s empty without you” Chaewon swallows nervously, still making eye contact with her member. “But I think I’m being selfish.” Yunjin confesses, still looking into Chaewon’s eyes deeply. “Why?” Chaewon believes that everyone is a little selfish but she’s pretty sure that Yunjin is one of the least selfish people she knows. 

Now it’s Yunjin’s turn to touch Chaewon’s face, although there’s no excuse of hair falling into her eyes or an eyelash stuck on her cheek or anything akin to that. She just places her hand around Chaewon’s jaw as if to steady her. The movement causes her to get up on her elbows and Chaewon’s gay little heart flutters pathetically in her ribcage at their proximity. 

“You’re away from us because you need to get better but here I am, missing being able to touch you like this and… just missing you in general” 

Chaewon lets out a surprised sound. “You miss that?” She asks. “Of course I do” Yunjin wastes no second before replying. For the second time that evening Chaewon decides to be bold. “If I were to kiss you right now, would you think about it and miss kissing me when you get back to the dorms?” 

There’s a moment of stunned silence and Yunjin’s face expression turns into a flustered state but then she nods anyway. “I would, yeah” Her voice sounds breathy and affected and it’s exactly the encouragement Chaewon needs to close the distance between them and kiss her. The other girl takes control over the kiss rather quickly, turning it into a deeper and hungrier kiss. 

They part for a second to catch their breaths before Yunjin dives in for another kiss, her body now partly on top of Chaewon’s. Chaewon finds out that she likes the feeling of the other girl caging her beneath her so she’s more than satisfied when Yunjin changes her position into a slightly more comfortable one with her legs on each side of her waist, basically straddling her as she deepens the kiss once more. Chaewon tugging on Yunjin’s lower lip is enough for Yunjin to take the hint and open her mouth enough for the older girl to slip her mouth into her tongue, making the older girl let out a satisfied sound.

There’s so many things to think about: Chaewon’s mother could burst into the room any second (or her father, if he comes home any time soon), they’re two women in an industry that is against same-sex couples, Chaewon is still on hiatus and it will be hard to keep this…thing up after they talk about it and they haven’t even talked about their feelings (what if this is just making out without any feelings for the other girl?) but nothing matters right now as they continue to kiss each other like their lives depend on it. 

They don’t talk about it at first when they break apart from each other, breathing rather heavily. Yunjin is still straddling Chaewon, her hands propped up on each side next to Chaewon’s shoulder as she looks down on the other girl. It’s certainly a sight to see and the position leaves the leader with not so innocent scenarios flashing in her head. Scenarios that she can’t turn into a reality even if Yunjin wants it too, of course, given the fact that they’re in her parents house with at least one of her parents present. 

That doesn’t mean that it stops her from imagining it though. Chaewon feels her heart beating so fast as if it’s trying to jump out of her ribcage and she can tell that Yunjin is affected by this too, judging by the way a pretty blush appears on her cheeks and ears. “Pretty” Chaewon can’t help but let out as she stares at the younger girl. Yunjin’s eyes widen in surprise which makes her look unfairly innocent given the fact that they just made out. “What?” She asks and Chaewon wants to curse, embarrassed about the fact that the other girl heard her whisper such a whipped thing. Whatever, there’s no backing out now, she convinces herself and says “I just thought that you look pretty right now” There’s a moment of silence before a flustered Yunjin replies to that. “You too” The younger girl suddenly can’t meet Chaewon’s eyes and looks at the walls of her childhood room. 

Wasn’t this time apart meant to help Chaewon get rid of her overwhelmingly deep feelings for Yunjin? How come she’s kissing her instead of moving on from her, then? It’s kind of ironic how Chaewon tried seeing her hiatus as a much needed opportunity to get over her feelings for Yunjin and now she has ended up in bed kissing the person she was trying to move on from. 

Chaewon wants so much: She wants to confess her feelings to Yunjin without being scared of getting rejected, she wants to kiss the other girl again and never stop feeling how it’s like to have her lips on her own, she wants to go back to being part of her group normally again and not be forced to stay away from the industry. She wants Yunjin in more ways than a friend should and she can’t remember when she last saw the other girl as a friend only, no romantic feelings involved. More than anything she’s tired of pushing away her feelings. 

What if she just confesses to Yunjin in this moment? Even if she gets rejected she won’t see her for a while and once she comes back from her hiatus ( if she comes back from her hiatus, a part of her mind cruelly corrects her) she can blame the confession on her not being in the right state of mind. She can’t hold it in anymore, the years of yearning pushing her down and suffocating her.

She misses the touch as soon as Yunjin gets off of her and lies down next to her instead. Disappointment boils inside of her but she tries to push it away; now is not the time for that. “Unnie, can I tell you something?” Yunjin beats her to it, making all of her build up confidence about confessing disappear in a single second. “Uh, sure” She says and gets in a sitting position on the bed, Yunjin copying her position. The younger girl looks nervous all of a sudden and Chaewon swears she feels her heart drop. Has she figured Chaewon and her feelings out and is trying to let her down gently now? Why did she say she’d think about their kiss then…and why did she kiss her back, if she doesn’t feel the same? Chaewon places her hand on top of Yunjin’s pretty one and squeezes it lightly – if it’s to comfort Yunjin or herself, she doesn’t know, but it feels like the younger girl actually relaxes at the touch.

“Chaewon unnie” Yunjin begins, looking at the older girl with an unreadable expression on her face. “Yes?” Chaewon hears the tremble of her own voice but she tries to push everything except for the girl next to her away for a moment. This is about Yunjin and Yunjin only. 

“I know dating your bandmate isn’t…ideal, to put it simply. I know that there’s a lot to risk and even more to lose if it ever gets out but I would try my best to make it work. I’d try to keep it hidden from the public while still being a good girlfriend, or, well, at least I’d try to be one.” It feels like Yunjin is trying to tell her something with her eyes, like she’s trying to convince her but Chaewon can’t seem to figure it out. The younger girl’s words leave her confused and even fill her with the slightest bit of hope, no matter how hard she tries to push those thoughts away. Perhaps Yunjin is just trying to tell her leader that she wants to date one of the other members and is asking for her permission or her opinion on it or something similar to that. But a hopelessly romantic part of Chaewon can’t help but let herself imagine that this is Yunjin trying to confess to her. That would be too good of a dream come true, though, she knows.

“You want to date one of our members?” Chaewon asks quietly when Yunjin doesn’t continue talking. The taller girl lets out a nod, something in her eyes becoming intense all of a sudden. “Not just any member though. I thought I was being obvious about my feelings” She states and it makes Chaewon feel genuinely confused. How has she missed something as huge as Yunjin’s feelings for someone when she was spending most of her time looking at Yunjin and being around her? Guilt boils through her veins as she blames herself for being so whipped for Yunjin that she didn’t even catch something as important as that. She truly must have been delusional to think of a possibility of Yunjin returning her feelings while the girl in question has fallen for someone else. Someone who is one of her close friends and her coworker.

“Can you…tell me who it is?” At Yunjin’s confused noise (that obviously doesn’t make Chaewon’s heart melt even in a situation as devastating as this one, of course not) Chaewon clarifies “Who you have feelings for, I mean” Yunjin has the audacity to let out a surprised, if not amused, laugh at that. “Unnie, are you stupid or something?” Usually words like that wouldn’t hurt her in the slightest and she’d reply something witty or teasing herself but it burns her a little bit. “Uhm” She lets out and that’s all it takes for Yunjin to soften. “I didn’t mean that, of course. I just thought that it was extremely obvious that I’ve been in love with you since, like, forever.” Chaewon needs a moment to let those words sink in and even more than that to really process them. “You…” She lets out, her adorable eyes widening. “You like me? Romantically?” Maybe it’s the fact that Chaewon believes she’s not good enough to be worth loving but she can’t seem to wrap her head around it: that Yunjin likes her too, that is.

Humor is painted on Yunjin’s face once again as she lets out a giggle. “We’ve been making out on your bed for the past…however long it’s been, isn’t the answer to that obvious?” As Chaewon continues to stare at her in surprise Yunjin’s expression gets more closed in. “Of course I’m not saying that you need to return my feelings. I just thought that…since you kissed me and all that…” Yunjin sounds so small and insecure that it feels like a stab to Chaewon’s heart. “But you’re not obligated to feel the same, obviously. I’m sorry for assuming that you would-” Before Yunjin can ramble and apologize any longer, Chaewon shuts her up with a kiss. It’s more of a short peck, really, and it seems to have the effect Chaewon wanted it to have as Yunjin gets silent, her eyes wide and confused and so so pretty that Chaewon wants to kiss her again, a proper kiss this time. But now is not the time for that, she knows, so she finally starts talking. 

“Yunjin-ah” She starts, her voice laced with so much fondness that it even surprises herself a little, “I’m in love with you too. I’ve been head over heels for you for so long that I don’t even remember how it feels like to have purely platonic feelings for you anymore” After a moment of silence she adds “I thought you were about to reject me, actually” which gets Yunjin to let out a confused sound. “But we just kissed and all that stuff” She says and Chaewon weakly defends her (thankfully wrong)  assumption “Still…”

A moment passes in which the girls just look at each other with a shy smile before Chaewon decides to be bold and talk about their future. “Do you want to date me?” She asks which makes Yunjin let out a bigger smile, the sight so beautiful that it makes Chaewon’s heart beat much faster than what is considered normal. “Of course I want to. Do you want to be my girlfriend?” Yunjin is quick to reply and the eagerness of Chaewon’s nod makes her laugh. “Okay, I guess you’re my girlfriend now” The older girl says and pulls Yunjin in for a quick hug that makes her feel all giddy. “You guess?” Both girls let out a laugh.

“But…” Chaewon hates herself for making this sweet moment turn into something heavier but she knows that it’s necessary. “How will we do this once I’m back? It will be hard to hide it, not just from the public but from all our managers and other people that work with us as well” Yunjin removes herself from Chaewon’s embrace to face her directly. “I was serious when I said I’d try to make it work, you know? We can do this, we’re not gonna ruin our group because of this” 

The sureness in Yunjin’s voice makes Chaewon want to believe her. “You think so?” She asks and the younger girl wastes no time to answer “Of course”

Chaewon feels much more at ease after that, pulling her now girlfriend in for another kiss. It feels surreal and the girl is scared that she’s imagining all of this. Maybe her mental wellbeing is much worse than she thought it was and she’s having extremely vivid and realistic hallucinations now, on top of all the shit she already deals with. Maybe she’s fine with that, though, as long as her hallucinations have Yunjin in it.

But it’s all too real after all, and Chaewon knows that this is reality, even when it’s as dreamlike as it is right now. The two girls (girlfriends !!) spend some time cuddling in Chaewon’s old bed and just catching up on everything they’ve missed. Chaewon hides her face in Yunjin’s chest as she lets out one of her worries. “Do you think I can come back from my hiatus soon?” She hates how small and sad she sounds but she doesn’t want to hide this part of her from the girl she loves. She can’t always be strong and sure of herself and if there’s someone who’s able to see that side of hers it only makes sense for it to be Yunjin. The girl in question pats Chaewon’s back comfortingly before she speaks up. “Do you feel better? Mentally, I mean” Chaewon lets herself really consider the question for once instead of just saying the all too known “I’m fine” answer without thinking about it. Is she fine? Is she feeling better? What even is ‘fine’ or ‘better’? 

“I don’t know” She answers honestly. “I’ve felt this way for a while now, I don’t really know how feeling better is supposed to feel like” Yunjin lets out a sad noise at that, still patting Chaewon’s back. “I’m sorry to hear that. You can always talk to me when it comes to your thoughts and issues, okay?” Chaewon is scared of Yunjin hating her once she hears about the mess going on inside her head, she’s scared of having the younger girl leave her. But she wants to be open with her girlfriend, no matter how scary it is. “I’ll try. Thank you” She says to which Yunjin immediately replies “There’s nothing to thank me for”

They continue cuddling before Yunjin notices how late it already is. Chaewon walks her to the door with a heavy feeling: she doesn’t want to let her girlfriend go, but she knows that Yunjin has to go back now. “Yunjin, you’re leaving already?” Chaewon’s dad appears out of seemingly nowhere which makes Chaewon let out a surprised sound. She didn’t even know that he came back from work already. “Ah, yeah. It’s getting kind of late” Yunjin replies kindly and Chaewon’s dad lets out a sound of protest. “You should just stay the night, there’s no reason for you to leave now” He says but Yunjin shakes her head with a polite smile on her face. “I have a schedule tomorrow, I have to leave now or I won’t be able to make it on time tomorrow” She explains. Chaewon wishes she would have no such thing to do and could just stay. Her father must think the same as he says “That’s a shame. Next time then?” to which Yunjin agrees. Chaewon’s father leaves after saying goodbye to the girl and then the two of them are left alone, still standing in front of the door. 

“Thank you for coming” Chaewon says with a shy smile and Yunjin returns it with a smile of her own. “Thank you for having me” The girls hug each other and Chaewon whispers into her girlfriend’s ear. “Get home safe and text me once you’re home, alright?” “Of course. Good night” Yunjin responds as they pull away from the hug. Chaewon wants to confess her love for the girl in front of her once more. She wants to drag her back into her room until she has no choice but to stay the night. She wants to taste her lover’s lips again. But she settles on giving her a quick peck on the lips and waving. “Good night” She says and watches as Yunjin leaves. 

Chapter Text

Obviously things don’t just change after that: Chaewon is still on hiatus and Yunjin still has a busy schedule which is why it’s not all that easy for them to find time for each other and their relationship. Finding time to go on dates and get to know each other further in a romantic way turns out to be quite a difficult task, actually, but they both want the same thing which makes it bearable. They make it work though and their feelings for each other don’t fade: if anything, they just get bigger, deeper and overall more serious as time passes by. 

Chaewon is sure that the fact that they already were extremely close friends before dating plays a big factor in that and strengthens their bond. Their new relationship mixed with the want to come back from hiatus gives Chaewon a new inspiration to “get better” (whatever that is supposed to mean) as soon as possible to get back to her normal lifestyle with the addition of her relationship.

If she’s being honest, Chaewon still doesn’t feel like there’s anything she needs to get better from. Sure, she’s mentally ill, but it’s not that bad: she’s still able to live her life and all that. Regardless, she wants to at least convince her therapist that she’s doing better in order to be able to go back to normal. If she can’t actually get better mentally she should at least make the people around her believe that she did get better or else she’ll be forced to stay on hiatus until she’s in a better mental state which means she might not be able to come back at all. 

Becoming Yunjjn’s girlfriend doesn’t just make her insecurities disappear either: she doesn’t really feel good enough for the girl she loves and an ugly part of her thinks that she’ll never feel good enough no matter how much time passes. The fact that she still hasn’t admitted why she was avoiding Yunjin at the beginning of her hiatus is not lost on her either and it weighs down on her heavily.

Chaewon actually starts sharing a couple of her thoughts and feelings in her mandatory therapy sessions, even if she doesn’t tell much and doesn’t feel like it’s stuff that the therapist should know about, and she can tell that her therapist is a little surprised by the sudden progress even if she tries not to let it show. 

Part of Chaewon feels extremely uncomfortable with doing all this but she wants to get back to her old idol life which means that she has to make her therapist believe that she’s doing better now. She’s an idol, it shouldn’t be that hard for her to hide her feelings and act like she’s doing great even when she’s not — after all, that’s what she has been forced to do every time the camera was on her. No matter how exhausted she was or how sad she was feeling, as soon as the camera was on or fans were around she would put on the sweetest smile and hope it hid all the ugly feelings she had to push away. It worked, given the fact that she was still an idol — or at least she hoped she still could call herself that. Her company didn’t give up on her forever, right?

After one of her therapy sessions one of the managers drives her to the dorm Kazuha and Yunjin (and Chaewon, even though she’s currently not living there) live in. Kazuha texted her and after a bit of casual texting the girl informed her that all of the members are in the dorm right now which is why the leader made the decision to visit them there.

Excitement and happiness bubbles inside of her at the thought of seeing her favorite girls all at the same time again. She has met up with all of them individually in her three — nearly four — months of being on hiatus but it simply can’t be compared to the feeling of hanging out with all of them together. Chaewon thanks her manager for the drive before making her way to the dorm, her heart beating uncontrollably fast in her ribcage. Kazuha is the one to open the door for her, embracing her as soon as Chaewon steps inside. It’s familiar and comforting to the point where Chaewon has to fight back tears.

‘I’ll return things to how they were before’ The leader thinks to herself as she greets each of her members. When it’s Yunjin’s turn to hug Chaewon the older girl wonders what they should do and how they should act now that their relationship status has changed – should they announce their relationship to the others or should they act like nothing has changed between them? Yunjin makes that decision for her as she follows with a quick peck on the lips as soon as they pull apart from the hug. Chaewon’s eyes widen in surprise and a cute pink blush spreads on her cheeks as she looks at Yunjin with an obvious question on her face. Before she can actually voice that question out loud, though, her girlfriend already answers it for her. “They know” She doesn’t specify what they know but it’s not like she needs to either. It’s more than obvious, really. 

Understanding falls onto Chaewon and she lets out a breath of relief. “You guys are sweet, it’s disgusting” Sakura comments from the side, a hint of annoyance in her voice and the lovers turn to look at her. Sakura just shrugs, although the smile appearing on her face betrays her true emotions about the matter. Kazuha laughs, seemingly amused by the scene in front of her, and Eunchae is quick to join her. 

The girls have a lot of catching up to do, Chaewon decides, so they put on a random kdrama that is airing at the moment and just talk about everything and nothing. Eunchae is resting her head on Chaewon’s lap and the leader strokes her hair fondly as the girl in question shares some things Chaewon has missed. The leader knows that Eunchae is not really a child anymore — she’s not an adult yet, but she’s not a literal child, just a minor — and yet Eunchae has an almost child-like innocence sometimes, like right now as she’s talking about all the little things she wanted to tell the leader. Maybe it’s because she’s the maknae and she has a soft spot for her, Chaewon guesses. Chaewon loves the innocence and pureness in Eunchae’s voice and actions, though, and she desperately wishes for it to stay for longer even with this mentally draining job. To see her lose that glow and freshness (not the visual kind but the mental kind, her soul and not her looks) would truly be devastating.

“How come you guys get the rest of the day off though?” Chaewon asks eventually, when it’s a bit later and she knows she has to get back soon. “Why, are you jealous?” Sakura asks her a question of her own which makes the leader roll her eyes. “Chaewon unnie has days off basically every day now, though” Eunchae comments and Chaewon giggles. 

“That’s true. Are you guys jealous?” She replies. “Eh…Kind of but also, like, not really” Yunjin admits, looking at Chaewon with a soft smile. “I get that” Chaewon responds and continues their eye contact as she gives her an equally soft smile of her own. Kazuha, who has been watching their exchange rather than the kdrama that is still playing but basically forgotten already, lets out a sound close to a squeal. Sakura nudges her shoulder playfully. “Let the lovebirds be!” It’s a bit ironic considering that the oldest was the same person who expressed (playfull, but still present) disgust at the couple’s PDA (could it even be described as PDA? It wasn’t a public thing at all, simply in front of their closest friends within the walls of their own dorm). Kazuha nudges Sakura’s shoulder in return and the two girls start bickering with smiles on their faces. 

Their conversation changes naturally after a while and Chaewon thinks about how glad she is that her members don’t avoid the topic of her hiatus like her parents do and just talk about it without being scared of hitting a sore spot. They get her better than anyone else in this world, after all, so that’s something else to feel glad about and it leaves her feeling even more desperate to come back to them. 

Leaving the dorm with her members in it feels hard for Chaewon but she tries to cheer herself up by thinking about how it might not take long before she’s back with them if she manages to convince her therapist and company that she’s fine any time soon. Her heart still longs for the other girls but it feels a bit lighter now with that thought in mind. 

Besides, another thing that makes her feel better even though she has to go back is the sweetness of Yunjin’s goodbye to her. Yunjin looks at her, a pout on her pretty lips as she watches the other members say goodbye to Chaewon. When it’s her turn to say goodbye she steps closer all of a sudden to the point where Chaewon has to look up to meet her eyes. The leader’s heart flutters pathetically in her chest, her round and pretty eyes sparkling with what looks like an insane amount of love and affection. “I’ll see you soon, right, unnie?” Yunjin asks and Chaewon nods a little dumbly, still flustered by their proximity that makes their height difference even more noticeable. 

And then Yunjin decides to make things worse (or better, if she’s being honest, but it leaves her poor little gay heart feeling even more affected) and leans in for a kiss which lets Chaewon’s brain actually stop working for a second. She needs another second to get out of the frozen state she’s been in and actually kiss her girlfriend (her girlfriend !! isn’t that amazing ??) back with the same amount of softness and fondness. When they pull apart from the kiss they just look at each other and both let out a soft laugh at the absurdity of it all — they’re acting like teenagers in their first relationship, it’s kind of ridiculous. But something about their love is so soft and pure, Chaewon thinks. She likes it like this: she wouldn’t have it any other way.

As soon as Chaewon gets out of the love foolish trance she’s been in she remembers her surroundings and looks behind Yunjin but sees no trace of the other members. The girls must have been fed up with their sickening affection and left to go back to the living room or their rooms, she assumes. When her eyes get drawn back to Yunjin she catches her girlfriend still looking at her. Now Chaewon really doesn’t want to leave. She’d rather pull Yunjin in for another kiss, cuddle with her under her soft blankets and just-

The girl realizes that she has to leave before the whipped part of her brain decides to do something stupid like refuse to leave.

“I shouldn’t let the taxi driver wait any longer” She says and her girlfriend lets out a sad sound. To be honest Yunjin would feel much better if the person bringing her girlfriend home would be one of their managers instead of a random stranger (although it’s literally said stranger’s job to drive people wherever they need to be) at such a late time of the day but she accepts things as they are.

“Okay. Stay safe and text me when you’re home, alright?” Yunjin gives Chaewon a peck on the lips just because she can and the older girl giggles after nodding at Yunjin’s request.

Chaewon feels much better and falls asleep much easier after seeing her girlfriend. This feeling of being ‘better’ and ‘actually okay’ doesn’t stay forever, of course, but whenever she’s around the girl she loves the rest of the world doesn’t matter anymore and her mental health doesn’t feel as fucked up even if only temporarily. 

Yunjin is no permanent cure for her mental illness but she can surely be seen as a temporary antidote for all the shit going on in the leader’s head.

Chaewon is scrolling through her Twitter timeline — which is a stupid thing to do when she was told to stay away from both social media and idol life as much as she possibly can, she knows and yet that knowledge doesn’t stop her from doing it — when she sees clips of Le sserafim performing.

Right, Yunjin texted her about their schedule a couple hours ago, Chaewon now remembers as she takes a sip of her coffee before taking her focus back to her phone. She watches the clip until the end with a feeling of pride mixed with other complicated emotions throbbing in her chest. This is her team, these are her members and they’re doing an amazing job at performing so of course she’s going to be proud of them. 

But — and she hates herself for the fact that there’s a but —  there’s also the insecurity. They did so well even with four members that she wonders if she’s even needed in their team. She knows that she’s wanted by her members but is she needed? Chaewon is their leader, sure, and she knows she’s not bad at singing nor dancing or else she wouldn’t have debuted at all. Is her presence really needed at all for Le sserafim?

Chaewon remembers scrolling through twitter when they first performed as five members. It wasn’t confirmed that they were going to continue as five instead of six people yet when they first performed with only five members. She remembers the positive reaction they got for their performances, she remembers the jokes made about how they must have been practicing the different version of the choreo behind that member’s back, she remembers people tweeting how they were better off as five members, that the other member was not needed and that the performance looked much smoother and overall better as five — she remembers the tweets she saw on her timeline and the tweets she saw when she searched up their name. Chaewon is wondering what they say now and yet a part of her is too scared to check; what if they’re saying the same thing now as they were saying about their former member back then? 

The leader knows that there’s always going to be people who will not like you, that there’s always going to be someone hating on you as an idol and wanting you gone but this topic is a sensitive issue to her: she’s not sure if her group is better off without her and seeing random strangers in the internet say the same things her fucked up brain tells her is something she’s not sure she can handle.

Curiosity still gets the best of her though and she types out Le sserafim in the searches first (it’s full of people  praising the members and their great performance and the leader feels extremely proud and touched at every praise she reads) and then after a short moment of hesitation she types her name in the searches and checks out the tweets that come up first.

Ever since she so suddenly was put on hiatus she refrained from looking up her name, knowing that it would do her more harm than good to see what the public was saying about her. Seeing the amount of love she gets from fearnots on twitter is kind of overwhelming in a way and the girl finds herself tearing up. Her coffee has started to turn disgustingly lukewarm but Chaewon doesn’t care about her drink at all as she’s scrolling through the app on her phone. There’s people saying that they miss her, people wondering what she’s up to, others expressing their concerns for her wellbeing and wishing her to get well soon and the leader can’t stop herself from scrolling down further, trying to read as many opinions from random people that don’t even matter in the long run but mean so much to her in this moment.

Chaewon fights back tears as she reads tweets saying that they’re proud of the members for doing such a great job today without their leader and that it still feels a little sad and empty without her. There’s not just positive tweets about her of course: there’s people saying disgusting things too but the rarity of coming across a negative tweet while scrolling through tweets mentioning her name is rather surprising.

A rather long moment passes before Chaewon finally closes the app and turns off her phone. She lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in and just thinks for a couple seconds. 

How does this make her feel? Well, it’s a good feeling for sure: to be thought of and cared about, that is. It makes her feel better (it’s not enough to get rid of all the demons in her head and she knows it but it’s a relief to know that not everyone hates her and that people haven’t forgotten about her yet) about herself and hopeful for her future as an idol.

What is she supposed to do now? That question leaves her thinking for longer. She needs to make sure that she comes back from her hiatus, that’s the most important thing. How she does this or how long it will take her is a whole different thing. 

Chaewon groans, not wanting to think too much about it. She grabs her phone again (her coffee completely forgotten by now) and decides to text her members. She sends a message to their group chat first.

                                             “I saw today’s performance 

           as expected ~~ my members are the best ㅋㅋㅋ

 you’re doing so well and i’m so so proud of you !! you’ll      do a great job next time as well 

                                                                        fighting !!!

                                                       oh and another thing

                                                                i love you 🥰🥰

When that is done she opens her chat with Yunjin, pondering about what to say.

                                    yunjinnie you did so well today !! 

i know it hasnt been long since we saw each other but i miss you already ㅠㅠ

        take care of yourself and lets see each other soon

                                                                 i love you🫶…

                                                                            i love…

                                                                               i lo…

                                                                                   i…

She decides not to send the ‘I love you’ message, both because it’s probably too soon and because it’s something she should say in person rather than through messages. The fact that saying ‘I love you’ to her girlfriend was such a natural thing that she almost forgot that they haven’t said it in a romantic way yet leaves her feeling rather giddy. This is far from being her first relationship and yet she feels like an inexperienced teenager once again, blushing and giggling about every little thing.

When she sees that Yunjin has seen her texts and answers by both thanking her and saying she wishes they could be on stage together again sometime soon Chaewon smiles again, her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

She really wants it too, she realizes: being on stage with her girlfriend and her other members again, that is. It’s a new motivation for her — not to get better but rather to get back to normal — and she promises that she’ll be able to make it happen soon. She has to, there’s simply no other way.

When Chaewon’s parents let her know that they’re staying over at their relatives house it’s a no brainer for the girl to inform her girlfriend that she’s alone for the night. It’s even better when Yunjin tells her that their practice was canceled and she’s free until tomorrow afternoon. 

Not much later Chaewon opens the door to Yunjin who has a pretty smile on her face. The younger girl looks so gorgeous in general that Chaewon finds herself breathless just by looking at her. It’s like she’s looking at the most beautiful art piece to ever exist except for the fact that the girl in front of her is real and alive. She wants to kiss her so bad it makes her look stupid and, well, she doesn’t have to push away that want any longer now that the girl is officially her girlfriend so she acts on the feeling of want and pulls her closer to herself before leaning in for a kiss. Yunjin seems a bit startled at the sudden intimacy but she’s eager to kiss her back with the same amount of want and love and everything good almost immediately. They’re both a little breathless when they break apart from the kiss and both girls have a foolishly whipped expression on their faces.

Chaewon realizes that Yunjin didn’t even have the chance to properly come in and the door is still open so she quickly closes it, trying to hide how flustered she is as she rushes her girlfriend in.

“Can’t believe you kissed me on the doorstep, so scandalous!” Yunjin teases her and Chaewon lets out a whine at that. “Shut up!” She says as she waits for the taller girl to take off her shoes and coat.

The girlfriends bicker about what movie to watch and what food to order and the moment they’re done with deciding Yunjin looks at Chaewon with some sort of shyness. “I got us some wine…if you want to have a drink with me”

Chaewon doesn’t really get why Yunjin is being so shy about it — it’s not like they’ve never been tipsy or even drunk in front of each other. They’re on the closest thing to a date right now (it is a date, they just haven’t explicitly called it that) and it’s the first time they’re drinking as a couple so maybe that’s why she’s seeing this as something different now. Chaewon gives her an encouraging smile as she nods. “Sure, take out the wine while I get the glasses”

Their food arrives after some time and that’s all they needed to start drinking the first glass of wine. The girls decided to watch the movie after they’re done with eating so the only background noise during their conversation is some Taylor Swift songs playing quietly from Yunjin’s playlist.

Chaewon and Yunjin might be on a date but they’re not too different from how they usually interact with each other: lots of talking, lots of teasing, lots of laughing — but now there’s not only the casual touches that can be seen as platonic but real kisses on the lips when they find something endearing about their lover or when they simply feel like it; that and the fact that they don’t have to pretend to look away after looking at each other for what is considered too long to be platonic.

The leader loves it: the way they’re still like themselves around each other but just in an even more free and open version of themselves. 

One glass turns into two, two turns into three and it’s not long until they finish the whole bottle of wine. Both girls are a comfortable amount of tipsy by now, their cheeks flushed a cute pink and their speech a little slurred. They’re done with eating and then they’re on the couch in the living room, starting the movie they’ve chosen to watch.

If Chaewon is being honest she can’t really concentrate on the movie at all and her body feels like it’s burning (a good kind of burn) on every place Yunjin touches her. And it’s a lot of places, actually, not just the girl holding her hand but she’s basically pressed against her back with her hands resting on Chaewon’s thighs. The shorter girl moves slightly and then she’s on Yunjin’s lap. If the other girl is surprised by that she doesn’t let it show and simply holds her girlfriend a little tighter.

It’s like a burning on her skin, a satisfying type of stinging and yet it’s not enough for Chaewon. She feels a little needy and desperate for needing even more of her girlfriend’s touch. Yunjin would never judge her for being needy in this situation though so Chaewon completely gives up on trying to watch the movie and moves out of her position once again, still on Yunjin’s lap but this time facing her directly.

“Hello beautiful” Yunjin says, amusement obvious in her words but Chaewon is so horny that she doesn’t care about being embarrassed right now. “Baby” Chaewon says, hoping that her voice and face betrays just how badly she needs the girl she’s currently sitting on so she doesn’t have to spell it out. Yunjin places her hands on the older girl’s waist but makes no other move to satisfy her girlfriend.

Guess Chaewon has to be more vocal about what she wants, then. “Yunjin, baby, I need to make out with you, like, right now” The words make Yunjin raise an eyebrow and Chaewon doesn’t want to bask in the silence much longer which is why she kisses Yunjin before she could actually get embarrassed. Yunjin kisses back instantly, swallowing all the pretty noises Chaewon lets out as the girl in question steadies herself by placing her hands on her girlfriend’s shoulders.

It’s not long until they start kissing more messily and needily, Yunjin’s hands finding themselves under Chaewon’s shirt and touching the bare skin of her waist. Chaewon needs Yunjin so badly that she feels like she might explode because of the overwhelming amount of want she has for the other girl.

Yunjin must feel desperate too now as she suddenly moves their position that results in Chaewon lying on the couch, caged between Yunjin with the girl in question on top of her all while continuing to make out. The older girl lets out a surprised sound as Yunjin starts sucking on the skin on her neck, leaving hickeys that will surely be a pain to cover up tomorrow, but soon the surprised sound gets replaced by a moan. The sound encourages the taller girl even further, making her continue her journey of exploring Chaewon’s body.

“I’ve been thinking about this for so long” Chaewon admits as Yunjin impatiently strips her off her shirt. “Yeah?” Yunjin doesn’t sound disinterested or anything like that but it’s clear that her focus is on the almost overwhelming amount of bare skin available for her to see. She gets rid of Chaewon’s bra and starts sucking hickeys near her collarbone. “I missed you so much” Chaewon practically whines and the younger girl looks up to her eyes again. “Me too, baby, me too. I’ll make you feel good. Can I do that?”

“Yes” Chaewon all but moans and Yunjin is quick to pull her in for another desperate kiss. The older girl kisses her back eagerly, enjoying the pretty sounds escaping Yunjin’s mouth and failing at biting back her own sounds in return. When they break the kiss Yunjin is back to exploring the older girl’s body and Chaewon lets her for a moment before stopping her. “Wait- you too” She says and Yunjin needs a couple seconds to get what she means but once she does she puts her arms above her head. “Do it yourself then” The girl says and Chaewon is eager to obey, pulling the shirt off of Yunjin. 

It’s not a new discovery that Yunjin is unfairly beautiful. It’s not the first time Chaewon has seen the younger girl without a shirt on (or without a bra on, or without anything on at all) either but it’s the first time she’s seen her partly naked in a sexual context. Chaewon can’t help the way her eyes roam over her girlfriend’s body and she’s so aroused but even that doesn’t stop her from thinking just how beautiful Yunjin is – both in an aesthetic kind of way (the girl is like a masterpiece created by the gods, like something that belongs in an museum, something that is worth way more than a person could actually spend) and in a hot ‘I need you to ruin me’ kind of way.

“So pretty” Chaewon lets out as she continues looking at her girlfriend and thinking just how lucky she is to be able to call her mine and Yunjin starts blushing as soon as the words leave the shorter girl’s mouth. “Unnie” Yunjin says and that’s all it takes for Chaewon to look at her girlfriend’s face again. “Should we take this to your room?” It makes sense, honestly. Chaewon nods, agreeing with her and it doesn’t take long for the girls to start making out again once they’re in Chaewon’s childhood bed.

“Yunjin” Chaewon lets out after a moment, so aroused that she feels like she can’t take it any longer. “I need you to touch me. Please touch me” She would’ve been embarrassed by this any other time but right now she doesn’t even think about that. Something in Yunjin’s eyes darkens and it looks like she’s about to start doing what Chaewon asked her to do, her hands on Chaewon’s hips and just about to start taking off her pants but then suddenly her face expression turns into something unreadable and she stops everything she was doing. “Yunjin-ah? What’s wrong?” Chaewon doesn’t know if it’s her insecurities getting the best of her but suddenly she starts overthinking again: what if her girlfriend doesn’t want her anymore? Has she gained too much weight? Has she just always been undesirable and Yunjin didn’t have the heart to tell her? Is Yunjin regretting everything now?

The taller girl gets off Chaewon and sits down next to her instead. “I want you so bad you can’t even imagine but it’s just…” Chaewon’s heart drops at hearing the word ‘but’ “I want our first time sleeping with each other to be when we’re both sober”

Chaewon takes a moment to think about those words. “But I’m not drunk. You’re not drunk either. Surely we’ll remember this happening when we’re completely sober” She protests. “It’s not about remembering it or not. Don’t you think it’s more meaningful when there’s no alcohol involved?”

It’s not that Chaewon is totally against what her girlfriend is saying but it’s just sort of…unexpected. Chaewon is not really expecting to have sex in their relationship – it’s okay if they wait until the younger girl feels ready and it’s okay if it won’t happen at all if her girlfriend doesn’t like having intercourse or anything like that. Things just have been getting so heated that Chaewon expected them to take it further.

“I guess…” She says rather quietly and sits up next to her girlfriend, resting her head on her shoulder. “Baby, you’re not upset, are you? You know I want you and all of you but you get why we’re not going any further right now, yeah?”

“I get it” Chaewon knows that it doesn’t sound all that convincing so she moves her head away from the taller girl’s shoulder and faces her girlfriend face to face. She gives her a peck on the lips, now free from any heated want but rather filled with pure love. Yunjin smiles at her, kissing the top of her head before pulling her in for a hug. Yunjin is just in a bra and Chaewon is half naked but at that moment she doesn’t really feel any sexual way about their skin touching with no layers of clothes between them – well, no layers of clothes except for Yunjin’s bra and Chaewon handles that too by taking it off. Yunjin shoots her an amused look and Chaewon starts blushing. “I’m not trying to start things, I swear, I just…I wanted to cuddle you without any clothes between us”

At these words Yunjin coos and opens her arms to give Chaewon the chance to be embraced once again and obviously Chaewon takes that chance.

Their first night together as a couple didn’t end with them fucking but they’re fine with this, too. After all, their relationship is much more than just sexual intimacy.

Chapter Text

The next time Chaewon has a therapy session it doesn’t feel as horrible as the weeks before that. She still dreads it but by now she has accepted it for what it is and she’s slowly opening up to her therapist, even if she still doesn’t fully see the point of it. What used to be something she would spend the nights before the appointment thinking about with some kind of annoyance, already hating the fact that she would have another therapy session soon, is now something that she has gotten used to. It might not be ‘Yay, I’m looking forward to therapy tomorrow’ that she thinks before she goes to bed the night before but at least it’s a simple ‘Oh, right, I have therapy tomorrow’ by now: simple acceptance.

Her therapist looks at her for a moment (which makes Chaewon a little nervous if she’s being honest because why does her therapist look at her like that, as if she’s able to read her and find out about everything that’s going inside of her head?) before saying that she has been looking much more lively the past few weeks. It’s nothing more than simple acknowledgment of that fact, no teasing or questioning about it and yet Chaewon blushes with the knowledge that it all started ever since she started dating Yunjin. There’s a bit of wondering if she should tell her therapist a new personal thing of hers going on inside of her head before she actually reacts to the other woman’s statement but she decides to do it after all. She feels a little shy and embarrassed as she says “I’ve started seeing someone and they’ve been helping me feel better” but her therapist simply nods. “That’s great, you sound much happier. Have you talked about them with your issues?”

“I did, yeah” It’s not even a lie – they might not have gone into full detail about it but they’ve talked about it before and she knows that she has her girlfriend’s support when it comes to both physical and mental health and just about everything in general — Yunjin is on her side no matter what and to say that it’s a relief would be a massive understatement. “It’s just…” Chaewon wonders if she should talk about it but she decides to just go with it in the end, figuring that if she already started talking about the topic she might as well finish. “When I went on hiatus, before we started dating, I sort of ignored them. Not because I wanted them to get hurt or anything like that but I just thought that by ignoring them I would be able to get over my feelings. It didn’t work and we never fully talked about why I ignored them because I couldn’t just confess but now that we’re dating I feel like I should tell them”

The therapist hums before asking her a question. “Why did you try to get over your feelings instead of confessing?” 

Chaewon now knows that it was a self deprecating thought, she has learned that much. “I didn’t know that sh- I didn’t know that they liked me the same way. I felt…insecure, I guess. Like there was no way someone could actually love me, least of all this person who seemed so lovable in my eyes and, well, still does” She trails off with a slight blush at the end.

“And how do you feel now?” It’s a bit hard for Chaewon to look into the other woman’s eyes, her eyes roaming over the room instead.

It takes her a moment to reply but when she does she finds her words to be the truth and is kind of surprised as well as proud that this is the truth. “I feel like I might deserve it, that there might actually be people who love me for who I am and that this person is one of them. Being with…this person has made it easier to believe”

“How about this: you talk to them and explain why you ignored them, what kind of thoughts you had that made you act like that and then you tell me how it went next week?”

Chaewon nods in agreement. “Alright, I think I can do that” She truly has come a long way since her first therapy session, hasn’t she? Chaewon didn’t really think too much about it before but she feels sort of relieved and maybe even proud. She’s improving day by day and isn’t this exactly what her company wanted before they let her come back from hiatus? The end is near, she’s feeling it now. The girl comes out of therapy with a smile on her face and newfound determination boiling inside of her. She’s going to get her girls back in her life permanently again, she’ll get back to being on stage, she’ll return to her idol life and nothing will be able to stop her. She was able to survive as a trainee and debut not only once but twice, what can’t she do? She believes in herself, even if it surprises herself as well. 

The group’s schedule gets a little less hectic for a few weeks and Chaewon uses that fact to her advantage. She visits her members in their dorms and spends some time with all of them and then when they’re finally left alone in the living room of the dorm Kazuha, Yunjin and her are living in (well, not her for the time being of course) for some privacy, Chaewon decides to finally talk to Yunjin about what happened a couple months ago and the reason behind it. Sweet, understanding Yunjin is too kind to not get her well deserved explanation and apology. The fact that it’s already been a couple months since everything started is crazy the more Chaewon thinks about it but that’s a thing to think about some other time, now it’s time to finally talk.

“Can we…talk about something?” Chaewon starts and Yunjin immediately puts her phone away to give her girlfriend her full attention, her attentive eyes focused on the leader. “Of course we can. Is something wrong? Did something happen?”

Chaewon smiles at her, thinking it’s really sweet of her to worry so much after Chaewon only said one sentence. “Nothing happened, don’t worry” She reassures her girlfriend and puts her hand on top of Yunjin’s hand. Her hand is unfairly pretty, she notices — everything about Yunjin is, both from the outside and inside. “I just wanted to finally talk about something that happened a while ago. Do you remember when I went on hiatus and…uhm…when I ignored you for a while?”

Yunjin sounds confused by the fact that they’re talking about this seemingly out of the blue but she nods anyway, not voicing her questions about it out loud immediately and instead giving Chaewon the chance to lead the conversation. “Yeah, I do” She says without any hatred or hurt in her voice and Chaewon isn’t sure if that means it’s something that doesn’t anger her and isn’t hurtful to her anymore or if the girl is just good at not letting it show. If that’s the case — that she’s hiding how she really feels about this, that is — then the leader is a little sad and, if she has the right to even feel that way, even a little disappointed in her girlfriend for not coming clean about it.

“I wanted to tell you why I did that. I know I said I would tell you and then I didn’t but at least…at least I’m doing it now…?” It’s not meant to sound like a question but it ends up coming like that out of the shorter girl’s mouth. A complicated emotion (at least it’s hard for Chaewon to read) flashes on Yunjin’s face and she shakes her head in protest.

“You don’t have to. I’ve already forgiven you and it’s all in the past anyway” The words must be said with the intention to soothe Chaewon but the girl doesn’t just take her chance to let it go. She said that she will tell Yunjin everything and give her the explanation she deserves so she will do exactly that.

“But I want to, Yunjin-ah. Just hear me out, okay?”

“Okay” Yunjin still seems unsure but Chaewon decides that now is the time to talk about it so that they can move on from this already.

“I liked you for a long time, much longer than before we started dating. I’ve been in love with you since before debut, actually, and I always thought that it would be something I’d take to my grave, that it would be something no one would ever know. Especially not you” Chaewon starts, trying to make her voice come out even and confident. It feels weird: it’s like her deepest secret has come to light now, like her chest is being freed from the weight of keeping quiet about her feelings and not telling a single soul throughout this time and yet it’s not just freeing, it’s kind of scary if Chaewon is being honest. How does she continue life now that she shared her biggest secret and burden with someone else? — it’s not just someone either, it’s the person who’s the whole reason behind her secret as well.

“Me too” Yunjin lets out but it’s so quiet that Chaewon almost doesn’t catch it and she’s not sure if she imagined it. “What was that?” She asks to make sure but her girlfriend shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it, just continue talking” She smiles at her, squeezing her hand for some sort of comfort. And so Chaewon continues talking even as she feels sort of weird about being brushed off like that — whatever, she’ll probably hear about this eventually if it was something truly important.

“Then I got put on hiatus and I just thought that this was the perfect opportunity to get over you. I never would have imagined that you would like me the same way I like you so I thought that it was a lost cause and that it would be better for both of us if I would get rid of my feelings” The girl takes a moment to sort her thoughts before continuing “Just not being physically around you was not enough for me to get over you so I thought that by…ghosting you and not having any contact with you at all would make it easier for me. I didn’t even consider how it would make you feel” Chaewon has to bite back tears now and it leaves her feeling a little embarrassed.

“When you asked me why I did that I wanted to tell you, I really did but that meant that I would have to confess to you and…and I was so sure that I would get rejected and ruin everything between us…which, I know, is a bit funny considering that we’re dating now” She looks at Yunjin to see her reaction and is surprised when she sees absolutely no amount of anger, disappointment or judgment on her face.

“Oh, unnie” She pulls her girlfriend in for a hug and the shorter girl happily melts into her. “Did you really not notice how whipped I was for you? Still am, by the way”

“No, I didn’t. I thought it was one sided” Chaewon replies truthfully and Yunjin lets out a sympathetic noise. 

They hug each other for a while before Yunjin speaks up again. “Thank you for telling me. At that time I was so frustrated and just sad I guess but now that you told me I get why you were hesitant about telling me” She kisses the top of Chaewon’s head. “I’m so proud of you for doing it now, though. I’ve noticed that you’ve been talking about your feelings much more lately”

“Is that a good thing?” Chaewon asks to make sure. “A really good thing” Yunjin assures her which makes Chaewon let out a happy little sound.

When Chaewon has her therapy session the week after that her therapist asks her if she talked about it with ‘that person’. Chaewon is all too happy to tell her how it went, not even noticing how enthusiastic she sounds and how much she’s smiling until her therapist points it out. She gets a little shy at that, her ears turning a light shade of red. There’s no need to be embarrassed about being happy though so Chaewon tries not to get too shy about it.

The therapy session goes as smoothly as possible and the girl feels much more relaxed and comfortable with actually talking in her sessions. Nothing is out of the ordinary until it’s almost time to end that day’s session.

“Oh, and I almost forgot to mention something” Her therapist starts and Chaewon just looks at her with confusion and a bit of curiosity visible on her face. “The next time we’ll see each other won’t be in a week” She finally says which makes the leader let out a small confused sound.

It’s a little unusual but Chaewon assumes that something must have come up and doesn’t think too much about it — that is, until the therapist continues speaking.

“Your company got in contact with me and requested to turn the weekly appointments into monthly ones because you’ll be too busy now to have time for therapy once a week. You’ve improved a lot since you first started coming to therapy so I figured that it would be okay”

Chaewon simply sits there in silence and blinks, the information taking her by surprise.

“Okay” She finally says and they exchange goodbyes before Chaewon leaves the building and waits for her manager to arrive.

It’s only then that she properly takes in the words her therapist said and lets out a quiet and confused “What?” that is only for her to hear.

Why would she suddenly be too busy for therapy now? 

It reminds her a little of her old company when she was in her former group: when they made her stop going to therapy to focus solely on her idol career, to be specific. But this can’t really be comparable given the fact that she’s on hiatus, right? Why would her company say she’d be busy when she’s supposed to be resting and getting better?

Before she could think about it much longer her manager arrives and she gets into the car. It seems like her manager wants to make her even more confused because he says “We’ll drop by your parents’ place first so that you’ll be able to pack your things”

“Why would I pack my things?” Chaewon asks with confusion clear in her voice. 

“Because you’re moving back to the dorms” He says with a shrug and then he starts driving. Chaewon is so dumbfounded that she stays completely quiet throughout the whole ride.

Her mother opens the door for her with a small smile on her face. Her face expression hints at several emotions: sad, yet still relieved, a little proud; something bittersweet, Chaewon thinks. “I was ready to pack your things for you but I didn’t want to be overbearing” The woman explains as she lets her daughter in.

Chaewon feels a little frustrated as it seems like everyone knows about this situation except for her. It’s eerily similar to how the media found out about her hiatus before her family did, although this time it’s herself that’s left in the dark. 

“You know about it too, mom? Why didn’t you tell me?” She decides to ask, hoping that her mom isn’t able to hear any hurt in her voice. Suddenly a figure appears behind her that turns out to be Chaewon’s dad — and almost gives her a heart attack because of how unexpected and sudden that was — and he answers instead of his wife. “Your agency called us not long ago, we didn’t know it until just now either”

“Oh” Chaewon nods then and excuses herself to go and pack her things. She didn’t take that much of her stuff with her which is why it doesn’t take long for her to be done and take her bag with her. 

She hugs her mom and dad and tries not to feel too awkward while they’re saying goodbye. Chaewon’s mom looks like she might burst into tears any moment while her dad looks expressionless, simply patting her back once more and telling her that she’ll be fine. She will be, she knows this, and yet it’s good to hear it from him.

“Manager oppa is waiting for me” Chaewon says after her mom pulls her in for another hug and lets the tears flow. That finally gets her to let go of her daughter although it’s followed by a “Wait a moment!” as she takes fast steps to the kitchen. She returns with a tupperware with homemade cookies in it. “Give them to your girls, alright? And don’t forget to eat all your meals and take vitamin supplements” 

Chaewon just nods as her mom continues nagging her about her health and flashes her a smile when she’s done, thanking her and taking the tupperware as she says her goodbyes once more and finally leaves. Her manager looks up from his phone, asking if she has everything once she’s sitting inside and then he starts driving when she confirms that she has.

When she arrives at the dorm she finds all four of her members waiting for her and she’d wonder if they somehow started living all together in this dorm because of how often she’s seen all of them in here the past couple months but it’s the fact that she knows they’re here to welcome her back that stops her from voicing her question.

“I have cookies with me” Is the first thing she says when she enters the dorm and she’s met with cheers in response. 

The two girls are lying in Yunjin’s bed and Chaewon is clinging to her girlfriend, which the girl in question doesn’t mind at all. She enjoys it, even, and Chaewon doesn’t feel uncertain about that anymore. They’re just enjoying each other’s company as Yunjin scrolls through her phone when suddenly the younger girl lets out a gasp. “Baby, it’s out now!” She says excitedly, her face lighting up with what seems to be pure happiness (she’s extremely cute like this, Chaewon notes, but that’s not the point right now).

“What is?” Chaewon looks up to her lover’s face and sees the girl smiling. “Look!” The taller girl’s phone gets shoved in Chaewon’s face and its way too close for her to be able to actually see what she’s being shown so she takes the phone in her hands with an amused sound and looks at an article Yunjin has shown on her display. It’s a statement from their company, Chaewon realizes.

“ Le sserafim’s leader Kim Chaewon to resume activities after temporary hiatus”

She reads it once, before she reads it twice, then a third time before the words actually start making sense in her head. Of course Chaewon knew that an article similar to that would come out eventually (sometime soon she was told, whenever that was supposed to be) but seeing it actually happening is completely different from being told that it would happen. Seeing it be confirmed by the company and for the whole world to see makes it so much more real.

Chaewon looks over to Yunjin and finds her girlfriend already looking at her, a beautiful smile on her face. The leader is so in love with her that she feels like she could write a thousand love songs about her and even that wouldn’t nearly be enough to put her feelings into words. She’s sure that she wouldn’t have gotten that far without her — no, wait, she’s not as self deprecating as she used to be: she would’ve made it on her own, sure, but her girlfriend has undoubtedly helped her speed up the process and made it much easier. 

She pulls Yunjin in by the nape and kisses her, deep and slow. If the taller girl is surprised by the sudden sensual action she doesn’t let it show, one hand on Chaewon’s waist as she kisses her back like she’s made for kissing Chaewon. Maybe she is: Chaewon certainly feels like she’s made for kissing Yunjin. The kiss starts to get more open mouthed, more needy and sensual, but it’s perfect like this and they wouldn’t have it another way. Yunjin lets out a sound akin to a moan as their kiss starts to get more heated and Chaewon tries her hardest to be normal about it but she fails — how could she possibly be normal about this when her girlfriend is so unfairly hot? If it was up to the leader she’d never stop kissing her girlfriend, she’d not care about either of their responsibilities and simply enjoy her lover’s lips on hers until the end of her life. Chaewon is never going to get tired of kissing her girlfriend like this, she’s sure of it.

Another thing she’s sure of is that she’ll undoubtedly be extremely emotional the next time she’s on stage. It’s been so long and she has missed performing so much that it feels like a part of her is missing but she now has reassurance that she’ll be back on stage sooner rather than later. 

She’ll be ‘Le sserafim’s Chaewon’ soon again which is a title she’s proud to have — and she might never be ‘Iz*one’s Kim Chaewon’ again but she’s slowly learning how to be okay with it — but most importantly she has finally found the motivation to find Kim Chaewon; she has found the motivation and desire to find who she is as a person without a group or the title of an idol being the only thing (as well as being the main thing) defining her.

Chapter Text

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows after Chaewon comes back from hiatus and although the girl has expected it she truly learns this the hard way.

It has only been a couple weeks since the end of Chaewon’s hiatus was announced when the group has an overseas schedule. The leader is not thrilled about the long flight and knows how exhausting it will be but another part of herself has missed the feeling of having something to do, of having a schedule to attend and she missed seeing different countries as well. When they were told about it she was kind of excited actually, packing her things in her luggage with the feeling of packing for vacation even though she knew that all that awaited her was work — she tried to see it as something positive: she was flying to a different country with her members and maybe they would have a bit of time to explore the city. Maybe Yunjin and her would even be able to squeeze in a short but sweet date if they had enough time for it (which would be their first date overseas as an official couple, Chaewon reminds herself with excitement). 

They’re at the airport at 10 pm, their flight is in a little less than two hours, and the chill of the night has Chaewon freezing as they’re sitting in the waiting area. It’s not like she’s dressed unfittingly for the weather — she’s wearing a hoodie and baggy jeans, nothing too fashionable but something comfortable instead — and yet she still manages to feel cold. Her girlfriend notices because she’s just attentive like that and she frowns at her. 

“Are you cold, unnie?” Yunjin asks and Chaewon simply nods before assuring the other girl that it’s nothing tragic. “Just a little. I’m okay though, really” 

Yunjin doesn’t seem to be satisfied with that answer though and the next thing Chaewon knows is the taller girl taking off her jacket and putting it over Chaewon’s shoulders. The leader lets out a small sound of surprise before her cheeks get painted with a pretty blush at the sudden cheesy action — Yunjin is acting like the male lead of some romantic kdrama and Chaewon is a little in love (who is she kidding, she’s more than just a little in love but she’s not about to just acknowledge that like it’s nothing serious).

“What the-“ Chaewon looks at her girlfriend with a questioning look on her face before subtly looking around her, trying to see if anyone is watching them at that moment. Someone always is, she knows that, but she still feels like she has to check. Kazuha, who is sitting next to Yunjin, looks at the two of them for a moment before shrugging and turning her attention back to her phone. 

“I don’t want you to get cold too” Chaewon says with a stern expression, crossing her arms above her chest. If she has to admit it, though, it’s a fact that she’s already feeling much warmer — although she isn’t sure if it’s because of the jacket or her girlfriend’s sweet action or maybe even both. Yunjin simply smiles at her and Chaewon notes that she sort of looks like a puppy right now. Not just any puppy but a cute one at that. She tries to push that thought away to think about it some other time, deciding to focus on the current issue: the possibility of her girlfriend being cold because of her.

“I won’t, Chaewonnie” Yunjin pats her lover’s back before grinning at her. “If I get cold I’ll just hug you” She adds and Chaewon barks out a laugh. The leader kind of wants to kiss Yunjin right now. Like, really bad. Chaewon wants to kiss her all the time if she’s being honest, but right now she wants to taste the lip balm on Yunjin’s lips and the taste of Yunjin herself even more than she usually does. She has to remind herself that they’re in a public place right now, though, and the fact that there’s always too many prying eyes when they’re out of the comfort zone of their dorms.

Time passes by rather slowly and Chaewon feels relieved when there’s an announcement about being able to board now, her limbs feeling good at being used again when she stands up and begins walking after a quick check up on her girls. It’s not her first time flying, it’s far from the first time being at an airport as a celebrity, and yet it catches her off guard when more and more people start to get closer to them. She looks at their bodyguard with a slight nervousness present inside of her but tries to stay calm.

It doesn’t work.

The blinding lights of cameras taking countless amounts of pictures paired with the people at their sides pushing them makes Chaewon feel extremely overwhelmed in mere minutes. She barely notices the way she starts trembling, a whimper involuntary escaping her mouth as her breathing starts to get uneven. There’s too much noise, too many people and too much going on and Chaewon just panics . It’s all too much and she feels like she’s working herself up to another panic attack, she’s feeling like she’s already having a panic attack at the moment, she doesn’t know how to calm down and then there’s…then there’s a hand on her waist. She wants to let out a scream or hide behind something and she just wants to get away until she realizes the person the hand belongs to. And how didn’t she realize this sooner? It’s Yunjin, of course it’s Yunjin’s comforting and familiar hand trying to keep her close and calm her down. It was too much, the touch was too much just now but right now it’s okay, right now it’s needed.

Chaewon looks at her girlfriend’s face and sees Yunjin already looking at her, concern written all over her face. She leans a little closer to the shorter girl and says “You’re okay, we’re okay” that almost gets lost in the chaos around them. 

‘I’m okay’ she repeats to herself. ‘ I’m okay and Yunjin is okay and we’re all okay’ She continues and then she looks for her other members. The other girls are as okay as they can be in this situation and Chaewon nods to herself, trying to convince herself that everything is okay. 

The leader has experienced situations similar to this one before but it just hits a little harder after being away from the public for a while. She loves being on stage, loves the attention of thousands of people on her in these situations, but it’s completely different when it’s in situations like these. Here the attention is unpleasant and not appreciated, feared and not welcomed.

Still, this doesn’t last forever. After a while that feels much longer than it actually is they get through the crowd and then the next thing Chaewon knows is that she’s on the plane. She still feels a little shaken but she recovers from it the best she can. It’s okay, she’s done well enough — she tries not to see it as a setback. 

Not everything about the flight is awful though, even if the way to the plane was. They’re in first class and she enjoys a overpriced glass of wine. She even manages to fall asleep throughout a small amount of the flight and when they’ve landed she’s a bit exhausted, feeling like she could sleep for much longer.

“I wanna sleep” She mutters to her girlfriend and the girl in question coos at her, taking her hand and intertwining their fingers. “You’ll get plenty of rest once we’re in the hotel. We only have a schedule tomorrow afternoon” Yunjin reminds her as she squeezes her lover’s hand and Chaewon visibly lights up at that reminder. She doesn’t want to spend all of their limited free time sleeping but rest certainly sounds heavenly right now. She deserves it too, she thinks, especially after what she’s gone through today. The reminder of her panic attack leaves a sour taste in her mouth but she tries to get over it. What happened has happened, there’s nothing she can do about it now.

Chaewon eventually lets go of Yunjin’s hand and walks up to Eunchae, checking up on their maknae and smiling when the girl confirms that she’s fine. They walk side by side with Sakura, Yunjin and Kazuha behind them and a body guard each in front of them and behind the three remaining members.

There’s still a lot of people and a lot of screaming with some pushing too but it’s much better than the situation before that. Chaewon handles the situation much better too and it’s not long before they’re in a car and on their way to the hotel their company has booked for them. 

Eunchae talks excitedly as they make their way to the lobby of the hotel and Sakura matches her energy, commenting on the difference of the temperature and the atmosphere in general. Kazuha trails after them and the couple is last, their hands brushing each other as they walk. They’re given the keys to two hotel rooms and are left with the decision of assigning rooms and roommates.

“I want the one with a bigger bed” Kazuha exclaims when they’re in the elevator and Eunchae immediately protests with a whine, the two girls bickering all the way throughout the walk to the hotel room. Their rooms are right next to each other and they’ve decided to check both of them out first before deciding on the room assignments.

“Although” Sakura starts, wiggling her eyebrows teasingly as she looks at Yunjin and Chaewon, “It’s pretty obvious who’s gonna share a room, we wouldn’t want to break the lovebirds up”

Chaewon raises an eyebrow as a warning as well as to show how unimpressed she is by that statement but Yunjin just laughs, placing one arm around her girlfriend’s waist that has an almost embarrassingly fast effect of calming her down. When Chaewon looks back at Sakura she finds the older girl looking at her with an expression on her face that basically screams ‘Am I wrong?’ and well, she’s not wrong. It’s not like Chaewon and Yunjin wouldn’t be able to survive a night in different rooms but she can’t deny that the thought of sharing a room (and probably a bed too) sounds really appealing. Still, she’s a bit petty about this so she won’t just admit that Sakura was right about it.

Both rooms are great but honestly Chaewon doesn’t really care about what the rooms look like as long as the bed isn’t too uncomfortable to sleep in. She’s still tired and exhausted so sleeping is all she really wants to do right now. The group eventually decides that the slightly bigger room goes to the three girls while the other room goes to the couple. Their luggage is brought over to them and Chaewon looks at it for a moment before deciding to take care of it when she’s well rested — or, well, as well rested as she can be. She immediately goes over to the bed and lets herself fall down on it, not even bothering to wash up or change her clothes. Her girlfriend on the other hand seems to be awake enough to scroll through her phone after she puts on her glasses and sits down on her bed. Chaewon wants to sleep so badly but for some sick and twisted reason her body won’t allow her to and after a while she gives up trying altogether. 

After a while she makes peace with not being able to fall asleep and instead goes over to Yunjin, sitting down next to her and saying a rather loud “Hey Jennifer!” that her girlfriend ignores and doesn’t respond to at all. Chaewon lies down on Yunjin’s lap with a pout on her face and it’s then that the younger girl entertains her. 

“Can’t fall asleep?” She pets her girlfriend’s hair and Chaewon lets out a sound that’s supposed to say ‘yes’. The taller girl just hums, putting her phone away and continuing to run her hand through her lover’s hair. After a couple moments of just doing that she leans down to kiss Chaewon’s forehead, then her cheek and finally her lips. Maybe it’s weird for the older girl to blush at getting her girlfriend’s affection but sometimes she feels like she still hasn’t realized that her feelings are returned. Not because Yunjin doesn’t show her how she feels, not at all — it’s rather because Chaewon spent such a long time trying to hide her feelings as if it was hopeless to even think about Yunjin requiting her feelings. 

Yunjin must see the way Chaewon gets lost in thought as she asks “What are you thinking about?”

“You” Comes the answer easily and Chaewon smiles as she gets Yunjin’s response with a laugh. 

“Jen, do you want to take a shower together?” Chaewon suddenly asks, which makes the other girl raise an eyebrow in a mocking sort of question. “In a wholesome domestic couple way or in a sexual way?” She asks.

The leader shifts out of her place on Yunjin’s lap and playfully pushes her down on the bed instead, straddling her as she begins to tickle her. Her girlfriend gasps for air between continuous laughing and Chaewon only stops when Yunjin begins to wheeze and repeatedly apologize. Once she seems her job done she lies down next to her girlfriend and angles her head in a way that makes it possible for her to keep direct eye contact with the other girl. 

“So…you want to take a shower together?” Yunjin is the one who asks this time and Chaewon repeats her girlfriend’s past response. “In a wholesome domestic couple way or in a sexual way?” 

The taller girl rolls her eyes before replying “Whatever you want, unnie”. This time Chaewon gives a genuine reply, saying exactly what she means. “Whichever one you feel like right now. Or maybe even both, I don’t know” 

“Got it” Yunjin gets up from the bed rather suddenly and Chaewon follows her lead. They take a shower together that starts domestic and sweet and then turns into something sexual but the thing Chaewon is most happy about is that it ends up with them being soft and sweet to each other again, taking care of each other and falling asleep side by side in Chaewon’s hotel bed.