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Their end starts where they began.
The cool breeze licks sweat-slick skin as Ace puffs against the humidity. A step back, release. Another three. There's an ease to basketball - one she never truly gets with volleyball - as if each shot, each dribble is an extension of herself. When she's here alone, the thoughts that tangle itself into webs straighten out. Lightens until it's easy again to carry on.
"Sabi ko na nga ba, dito kita makikita eh."
Ace stops, ball in hand, before she takes a deep breath and takes the shot. It bounces off the rim, once, twice, before falling away. She watches it roll, only to be picked up by familiar hands. Clumsily, Jana dribbles the ball before passing it to her. She catches, like she always does, like she always will.
"Oh, wala man lang 'Hi, babe. Musta na, babe?'" Jana laughs, but it sounds hollow and wet. The sound catching in the air before deflating. "Ilang months na tayo 'di nagkikita ah. Hindi mo ba ko namiss?"
Of course, Ace missed her. The thing was, even though Jana is standing right there in front of her, Ace still misses her. Misses the cheeky taunts in between practice sessions, misses the cold cans of beer passed between them. Above all, she misses the ease, the equilibrium they used to balance in between two thumbs up. The equilibrium that’s been missing for months as they struggled to make them work in between training and school and life .
She bites her lip. Ace hopes that the silence is loud enough to get the message across, but Jana refuses to budge. It was always Jana who was brave enough to push and prod. To get the ball rolling, as they say.
"Hindi mo ba ko namiss, Ace?"
Ace takes a deep breath, lets the ball drop from her hands, and meets Jana's relentless gaze head on.
"Namiss kita syempre..." She lets that truth settle between them. She did miss Jana these past few months, and she thinks she'll never really stop missing her.
Jana sighs. She closes the distance between them until they're standing in front of each other. She raises her hand and encourages Ace to slot fingers until the palms of their hands touch. Their usual greeting sans the loving kiss Ace should have pressed to Jana's hairline, to her cheeks, then to her lips.
Ace squeezes, builds as much strength as she can in that brief second, before lowering their entwined hands. “We need to talk.”
“Sabi mo nga sa text mo. Ace, what is it? Nag-aalala na ‘ko sayo. Just tell me, alam mo naman that you can tell me anything.”
Ace commits this Jana to memory - the one that straddles the line between annoyance and worry. She knows that this Jana will be the one that will haunt her. It will be this Jana, loving and demanding, that Ace will remember even when Ace has forgotten the exact smell of perfume the shorter girl preferred or the shade of brown of Jana’s eyes.
Ace cannot help the way she grips Jana’s hands tighter before finally letting go.
"Dapat ata-" Panic lances through her throat, pins the word right there preventing it from passing through chapped lips. The pain that makes her lungs tighten, air squeezing out. Shakily, she tries again. "Dapat ata tigil muna natin 'to."
Jana laughs in denial, "Tigil? Tigil ang ano?”
“Tayo. Tigil muna natin..tayo.” Ace clarifies.
She thinks back on the months that have led to this decision. Reflecting on how hard this decision was because Ace wants to be there, no matter how many dates they miss or how many milestones they had to celebrate alone and away from each other. Ace wants to support Jana through it all, but their dreams took them on different paths. The greatest support Ace can now give Jana was to let her go and let her achieve those dreams.
“What are you saying..are you- Are you actually," Jana crossed her arms as if to protect herself from the onslaught, "Breaking up with me? Talaga ba?"
But something sad, something equally angry, fills her eyes, and she boulders past any of Ace’s attempts to explain. Jana sobs. The tears run freely down her cheeks, dripping down and catching on the gold chain of her necklace. Ace tracks that tear and feels her heart break all over again.
"We tried naman diba?" Jana's voice breaks over reluctant acceptance. “We tried?”
“Oo naman.” Ace smiles, small and broken, “Pero, I think obvious na hindi na tayo good for each other. I want to be a good influence on your life, hindi yung ako pa yung maging hadlang para maabot mo mga pangarap mo.”
Somehow, it’s fitting. It was Jana that pushed them from the murky waters of friendship to the clear label of girlfriends, and now it’s Ace who pulls them under the depths once more.
“I’m sorry.” Ace whispers. She takes a step closer, “I’m so sorry.”
Jana takes a step back before she turns. She walks away. She looks back only once; Ace would remember a few years down the road. Jana looked back once as if hoping, bargaining, that she would change her mind.
Ace does not.
The in-between is normal.
There's a quiet expectation in every relationship that losing each other would be earth-shattering, world-ending, but Ace realizes it's not like that. Loving Jana had been all about discovery, as if every second was a new adventure. Every song listened to was extra sweet because it was shared between them as they sat by the court. Every movie had a happy ending because they watched it side-by-side in a darkened room.
Loving Jana had been all about learning, growing, changing.
Losing Jana was all of that, too, but somehow the complete opposite.
It was learning what songs sound like when both earphones are on. Learning how to watch movies and accepting the fact that the ending wasn't always so good. And it was adventures on her own. The kind that leads to growing and changing into a person that feels like herself.
She learns, she grows, she changes.
So, the years pass, and Ace realizes her world keeps on going. The earth remains planted firmly beneath her feet. Her love of sport and the want to support her mom keeps her coming back to San Lorenzo, a well-beloved addition to the landscape of a school she once felt so out of place in.
Ace sends a thumbs up to her girls, silently encouraging them through their drills as she watches them intently. The free basketball clinics she led for the town were the best parts of her week because it gave her a chance to pass on her love for the sport. To carve out a space for her girls to thrive in a sport that many still saw as for boys only .
And normally her attention will be fully on her trainees, razor sharp eyes and helpful criticism on the tip of her tongue, but today she finds her attention split. Her ears prickle with the sound of cheers as over her shoulder a group of tricycle drivers listen to the radio commentators for the ongoing battle for the gold medal.
Philippines vs. Thailand.
It's an intense match already in the 5th set. Ace feels the ghost of another game, all those years ago. It was exhilarating before, but now it's doubly so. She can't help the way her ears twitch at the loud praises sung to a very familiar name. Captain Jana Ramos was on her way to leading the country's national team in a historic win.
Ace blows on the whistle signaling the end of the session. The girls flock like baby chicks around her and she hands out good jobs and keep up the good work like a momma bird feeding praise. The girls laugh and push each other as they make their way home - a reminder from Coach Ace to always keep things fun-fun! pocketed and kept safely between two thumbs-up.
"Capt. Jana Ramos serving 14 to 13. All she needs is a good serve to bring the Philippines its first ever SEA games gold. Already she has 5 aces in this match, can she give one more to clinch that title?"
Ace stands still. The heavy duffle bag hanging on her shoulder keeping her grounded. She crosses her fingers, holding her breath as,
"OH RAMOS INDEED GIVES. RAMOS SCORES AN ACE. CHAMPIONSHIP POINT FOR TEAM PHILIPPINES! What a historic win, the first gold for women's volleyball."
Her shoulders relax as the men cheer, patting each other on the back. Ace couldn't help the burst of potent pride and happiness that warms her to the core, lighting up her face as her eyes disappear under the gentle weight of her bright grin.
Jana did it.
Ace always knew she would.
Their beginning starts where they ended.
"Sabi ko na nga ba. Dito kita makikita."
Ace spins on her heel, head whipping back as she stares at Jana Ramos - like a dream turned reality. The sun casts a bright halo around her, bathing her in an ethereal glow that once again steals her breath. HIgh School in redux.
"Oh, wala man lang 'Hi Jana, musta ka na Jana?' Ang tagal-tagal na natin 'di nagkikita!"
Ace acknowledges the words with a slow blink, brain rebooting. "Hi...Jana."
"Coach, coach. Sino yan? Yiee coach, girlfriend niyo po ba yan?" One of the girls teases her with an impish smile. Her best friend elbows her in the ribs to get her to stop and the girl only whines with a pout.
Ace shakes her head. She sends a small glare to her trainees and has them start running around the court for warm-up. Some groan and send accusing glares to the troublemaker's way but an answering frown from her best friend has the others turning away.
"Sige na. 10 laps for everyone. Except sa’yo.” Ace gives a pointed look towards the one that dropped the comment, “Give me 20 laps." Ace orders, unsurprised when her best friend immediately offers to take half of the 20 laps.
"Di mo kilala yun? Si Jana Ramos yun!" One of her kids whispered to the clueless troublemaker as they ran past their coach and the volleyball star.
"Coach Ace Asuncion. Never thought I'd see the day." Jana stood beside her, watching the girls train. Ace shivers with awareness at the subtle warmth radiating from Jana's arm that brushes against her own. "Musta Ace?"
"Eto, uhm, okay lang naman." Her hands grow sweaty. She's pretty sure her words are stuttered, shaky. It's Grade 10 all over again, but this time there's no annoyance in Jana's eyes - just amusement. It seems some remnants of Ace with Jana remain, even after half a decade of being Ace without Jana , enough that Jana can read her surprise and understand that the underlying emotion was a tender aching .
"Eto, okay lang rin." Jana says, "Busy ka mamaya, coach?”
"Uhm, after practice free naman ako." She trails off when she catches the full force of Jana's smile, "Kung okay lang sayo mag hintay?"
"Syempre willing to wait. Kilala ako for my patience, diba?"
Ace scoffs. Jana giggles.
“Sure, patience. Parang mas kilala ka ata sa pagiging beastmode mo.” Ace shakes her head and smirks when Jana groans at the reminder of her energetic younger self.
“I was not beastmode! Focused lang ako kasi syempre gusto ko manalo.” Jana denies though her heart wasn’t truly in it. She’s self-aware enough to remember how truly intense she was. She stares at Ace, "Focused lang, no.”
Ace glances her way. The woman before her is different to the one that Ace tenderly keeps in her memories. Ace cannot help but want to learn just how different Jana is. She is filled with wanting to understand that sparkle that makes Jana’s eyes shine brighter than the morning sun. She wants so badly to know how this Jana differs from the Jana she let go all those years ago.
She's saved from replying by one of the girls zooming past them with a thrown "Hi coach, hi miss Jana!" followed by the rest of the girls who all say their hellos in between puffs of breath. Jana smiled and greeted each with a wave causing them to giggle and run with a bit more enthusiasm.
"Sige, I'll wait over there na lang. Good luck sa training, Coach Ace." Jana pats her on the arm before walking off. Ace takes a deep breath, watching Jana walk away (maybe sending a small prayer up above because, wow, the years have, indeed, been kind to Jana) .
She raises an eyebrow when she hears her students giggle, sending them a mock glare before they begin training in earnest. Ace feels the weight of Jana’s stare throughout the 2 hours of training, could feel it like a hand on her back or knuckles brushing down her cheek. Ace manages to remain professional through it all, but she’ll have to admit it was not easy to do so.
“Miss Jana, marunong ka rin po ba mag basketball?”
Ace whips her head so fast when she hears Miss Troublemaker ask the volleyball star that question.
“Custodio! Bumalik ka sa exercises mo.” Ace orders, voice pitching high. She winces, the kids all sharing looks of amusement.
“Nagtatanong lang naman ako coach!” The girl pouts.
“Oo nga, Coach Ace.” Jana laughs, standing up and dusting her jeans, “Nagtatanong lang naman yung bata.”
Ace bites her lip in response.
“To answer your question, ‘di ako masyado marunong pero alam niyo ba, nung high school kami, tinuturuan ako ng Coach Ace niyo? Ako ata first student niya eh.” Jana regales the girls, one arm wrapped around the student’s shoulder.
“Weh!?”
“Oo kaya. Tignan natin kung naalala ko pa yung mga tinuro niya.” Jana giggles as someone hands her a basketball, Ace watches with second-hand embarrassment as the volleyball star attempts a three point only to fall short…by a lot.
“Hala, Coach Ace! Di mo ata naturuan masyado si Miss Jana.”
"Oo nga Coach Ace, siguro kailangan ko pa ng one on one sessions."Jana laughs at Ace's wide-eyed look, spending the rest of training, joking around with Ace's trainees. It makes the coach smile though she hides it behind a stern look.
The last whistle ends the session. Clapping her hands, Ace calls for her students.
“Alright, good job sa inyo. Nakikita ko talaga yung mga improvements niyo. Next week, we’ll address yung mga kailangan pa natin tutukan.”
“Thank you coach Ace!”
“Thank you rin sa inyong lahat. See you all next week, pero bago kayo umalis. Remember, dapat laging…” Ace trails off.
“Fun-fun lang coach!” The girls raise one thumb in quick succession, all smiles and youthful energy. They each quickly grab their bags, give their coach a bone-crushing hug, before running off in small groups. Ace waves off the last students who stay to help their coach pack up. Ace would need the few minutes of mindlessly picking up cones and balls to build up a reserve of courage before facing Jana - one on one.
When everything's been squared away, she hesitantly approaches the sidelines where Jana sits, resting after all the running around, with a look on her face that Ace struggles to read.
“Fun-fun…” Jana muses, sitting with her legs crossed, chin resting lightly on her palm as she watches Ace’s slow approach. It was something sacred between them, once upon a time, but now it’s something Ace shares with all her kids. It’s sweet - in that bittersweet way that Jana has grown used to.
“So, ready ka na ba? We can go wherever naman, free ako the whole night if gusto mo.” Ace tilts her head, realizes the subtle implication, then “I mean, kung may gusto kang gawin. Free ako. Yun yung ibig ko sabihin.”
“Yes, ready na.” Jana stands, and without warning, takes Ace’s hand into her own. “Let’s go! Marami pa tayong pag-uusapan.” Jana looks back at her, once, making sure she's actually there. Making sure that she follows.
Ace does.