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Eri walked quietly down the empty street.
It had just begun to snow, and she couldn't help but watch the intricate pieces of frost fall in front of each step she took. She cuddled deeper into her scarf when a particularly cold gush of wind hurried its way across her. It must have been about 8 o'clock at night.
She was heading home, and had just gotten off the final bus of the evening. She was only a 20-minute walk from her house, and was immensely happy her day was finally over. Eri could soon put on her pajamas, heat up leftovers, and talk with her beloved dolls about her day and listen to the details of theirs. She felt her stomach growl at the thought of having some of Tei's seaweed-beef soup. It would warm her up from this cold that chilled her to her bones.
She felt a slight pit in her stomach begin to develop, however. Her dolls coming to life was the best thing to happen to her. Each one - Lance, Yeon-ho, Yuri, Tei, Red - were so special in her eyes; she loved each one of them beyond the words she could think or say.
Despite this, things were so different. All of them retained their memories of falling in love with Eri, and Eri the same. While it was happy to be safe and to finally understand a bit about why her dolls came to life, things were different.
There was tension among her dolls that made her uneasy. Sure, Red and Lance bickered before and Tei and Yuri always seemed to give each other odious looks when no one was looking. But now the tautness was different - it was deeper than the surface and Eri didn't think she could get rid of it.
Well, maybe she could. She knew she couldn't continue to live how she lived now if she were to appease the situation. When her thoughts trailed off with the memories of each of them, she’d feel a pit in her stomach form like a rock. She loved all of them so much, but she couldn’t live dating all of them at once. It wasn’t fair to them – or her.
She didn't want to choose who she loved more or who she loved most. That was just so hard, but deep down there was no doubt that that was what she needed to do. However, Eri didn't know who she would choose. She couldn't solve the problem if she had no idea what the answer was. She loved all of them, for sure.
When she was alone with Lance, and he spoke so gently and reached intimately out to touch her - she would tell him it was late, or she was thirsty, or hungry, or some other excuse. He would tense and back off, telling her he understood, but he would not look her in the eyes. He would leave her room, telling her she’d see him in the morning. Eri could never sleep well after these nights, and they seemed to happen more frequently. Eri could see the hurt that was there and it was like her heart broke a tiny bit in two.
Seeing him the next morning would feel somewhat normal. Normal felt alien to say. He would tell her good morning, and distract himself with eating, packing his bag, or staring at the intricate lines of wood in the kitchen table. He was always a private person, but especially in front of the other boys he never seemed to show emotion now. Before when it was the two of them, he would be loudly protective and proud to call her his. He deeply enjoyed having her under his arm. The time they’d share alone together he acted similar to how he did with others, he was cheeky and intimate with her.
Things felt different now. Besides the moments they were alone together, he acted distant. She knew it was painful to know about the love she shared with the other dolls, and he felt like the cold ice prince he had before she warmed his heart.
When Yeon-ho and she watched movies on the couch and he would cuddle up close to her, holding her arm in his, she would get lost for a second in the intimacy – but she’d remember her other dolls and suddenly feel guilty. She knew she would tense up when these thoughts arose, and Yeon-ho would pull back ever so slightly until they sat next to each other.
With Yuri, the duo would go out at night for dinner often. With his connections, Eri never had to worry about anyone bothering the two of them – maybe jealous women would glare, but Eri did not mind that anymore. Sometimes when the two sat next to each other laughing after eating an exquisite meal, their eyes would catch each other’s for a moment too long. What normally would develop into a passionate kiss now would turn to awkward, painstaking desire, and Eri would never act on it. She knew it hurt him to ignore what her heart wanted to do.
“I’m here for you, my honey” He would speak out, breaking the silence between them after the awkward moments between them.
“I know, Yuri.” She would assure him “I’m here for you too.”
“I wonder how long this will go on for.” He would ponder out loud, now avoiding meeting her eyes. He’d stare off at expensive bottles of liquor that would like the walls of whatever fancy restaurant they’d be at.
She would stay silent, quite honestly not knowing what to say.
“You know I love you.” She’d finally speak.
“And you love the others too.” He’d finally meet her eyes and look at her with a close-mouthed smile. Was he holding back tears too? She looked away. Knowing how much it hurt him, she couldn’t look deeper into his eyes.
He reached out, giving her a hug. It felt sad.
Tei was the one that made her the most concerned. He always smiled at her and treated her as he had, making her the food she wanted and bringing her tea at night. But Eri could not forget the things he had done. He was different now though; she would reassure herself of this. She helped him heal from the trauma and the false conceptions of his own ‘dirtiness,’ but she knew these things were not just a flick of the switch. He was not suddenly healed.
When the others would spend time with her, or even eat together in the mornings, he would watch them and her intently. She pretended not to notice but his gaze always had the tendency to feel heavy on her skin.
In the evenings he brought her his ZZZ tea, sometimes he would sit on the end of her bed near her feed. His shoulders seemed to hold an unspoken tension and Eri wished she could reach out and rub them. He would look off, not saying anything. She would usually break the silence.
“Tei…” she would not know what to say. Her voice would trail off, making her cringe. The things she wanted to tell him, she did not know how.
He would look at her with his shimmering green eyes harboring an uninterpretable emotion.
“Sleep well, Eri.” He’d smile at her, touch her leg gently, and leave the room.
Like the nights with Lance, she could never sleep after the two interacted in this way.
Red outwardly remained upbeat, still laughing often, and watching his cartoons. He was always so sweet to her, even still.
Sometimes she’d join him and watch his after-school rehearsals with the theatre club. He had been particularly excited one November morning when one of his scripts was picked up by the club to be made into a performance.
She had watched him work tirelessly on it. He’d sit on her grandpa’s old computer, typing with one finger at a time to place his thoughts on the paper. She wondered at first whether he was distracting himself from everyone else or if he did genuinely like the art of writing and playmaking. He was secretive about his writing, saying it was private - not wanting anyone to read it until after he was done.
“Heroine!” He exclaimed, skipping from the stage where he spoke with other members to her, sitting in the audience’s chairs.
“It’s happened! My play is going to be a full production!” He grinned and she congratulated him.
“That’s amazing, Red!” She smiled back to him. “Can I know what it’s about now?”
His grin shifted, and she felt immediately guilt, wondering what she said wrong.
“Well,” he trailed off, “it’s… it’s sort of a love story.”
“Wow..” she wondered if this story could be based on her and his relationship.
“That sounds amazing, Red. Are there any superheroes?”
"No," he'd answer, avoiding her eyes now, "I don't write about that type of stuff anymore."
She'd feel her heartbreak watching him. God, did she do this to him?
'No Eri. Stop thinking like this now.' She thought to herself as she opened the door to her home, ready to greet all of her companions. She would often get caught up in the painful scenarios she shared with her dolls, but it did her no good to fret over them like this.
‘I need to decide…’ The statement rang in her brain over and over again, like a song stuck in her head.