Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jackie

Jackie started dating Jeff when she was fourteen years old. At fourteen years old, she only knew the basic things about Jeff. He liked baseball, video games, and he was a nice guy. Well, she guessed he was a nice guy. He never tried to take advantage of her, he always drove her home, and he was generally nice, so nice guy. But nice guys didn’t sleep with her best friend. Nice guys didn’t lie to her. 

In hindsight, maybe Jackie should have seen this coming. When she was fourteen years old, she knew she wasn’t in love with Jeff. When she was seventeen, almost eighteen years old, she still knew she wasn’t in love with Jeff. She felt bad about it. I mean, he was always saying it to her. All she could do was laugh or change the subject when he said it, because it wasn’t like she could lie to him. Though, apparently, it seemed like he could lie to her !

Anyway, it didn’t seem too off that Jeff would want to have sex with somebody else. Like, he was still a guy. And he’d dated Jackie pretty consistently for four years with nothing. Jackie’s own mother used to make off-handed comments on how “a boy like that has needs” when she thought Jackie wasn’t listening, but she was. She always was. 

Jackie could also go into a discussion on her mom’s hypocrisy considering she never even gave Jeff permission to go into Jackie’s room (so duh , of course they weren’t having sex!), but Jackie would rather do anything else in the world than talk about her mother, so she let that go. 

What she really wanted to talk about was Shauna. Shauna had been her best friend since she was five years old. She was one of-no, she was the only one- who knew everything there was to know about Jackie. So it hurt that, apparently, she couldn’t say the same about how well she knew Shauna.

Okay, maybe she was pushing too far. Of course, Shauna didn’t know everything about Jackie. But she thought their circle of trust went far enough for her to be able to confidently say that she would never keep a secret as big as this. Not only had Shauna fucked Jeff, she’d fucked him more than once. She was pregnant with his baby, and she wasn’t even going to tell her about it. In fact, it made Jackie wonder. If they hadn’t gotten stranded, would Shauna even tell her about this? Probably not. She probably would’ve gotten the whole thing taken care of then just fucked Jeff again. Because that seemed to be about as much as she really cared about Jackie.

God, she was so stupid. She trusted Shauna with most things, especially Jeff, and she just went behind her back. Looking back at certain moments made her feel sick. Did Shauna listen to Jackie complain about how Jeff was impatient, then go to assure him that he wouldn’t have to wait much longer? She wondered if they fucked every single time Jackie said no to him. Was that why Jeff stopped breaking up with her after a time? Because if things went south with her, he could just go to Shauna? Probably.

It sucked. It fucking sucked! Jackie couldn’t think about any moment spent with Shauna that wasn’t a lie. All those days she comforted her after a fight with Jeff, was that just her plotting on how to make him feel better? When it came to Jackie or him, did she really choose him?

If she was being honest, that was what hurt the most. Look, Jackie did her best to be a good girlfriend. She pretended to care about baseball, she let Jeff has as much fun as she was comfortable with, and she’d never been with any other guys! But, sometimes, she had the tendency to pick Shauna first. But she didn’t think that made her a bad girlfriend. If anything, it made her a good friend! Putting your best friend’s needs was something you did , right? So forgive Jackie for thinking that Shauna would prioritize her, too!

And worst of all, Shauna had the audacity to claim that Jackie acted like she didn’t exist. Bullshit! Jackie’s life had basically revolved around Shauna ever since they became friends thirteen years ago. She’d spent years and years building Shauna into who she was today, and her so-called best friend couldn’t even be grateful! And now, she’d fucked her boyfriend, and for some reason Jackie was the one who was supposed to feel bad? Absolutely not!

Then why do you feel bad? Came that annoying voice in her head. Jackie needed it to shut up.

She had absolutely no reason to feel anything but hatred towards Shauna. Hatred for fucking Jeff, hatred for lying to her about it, and hatred for letting her walk out into the freezing fucking cold, and not even doing as much as asking her to come back inside. It was embarrassing! The whole team was probably inside, watching her through the window and laughing as she made an attempt to get a fire started. And it wasn’t even her fault! It was so windy. You try starting a fire in these gale force wind conditions! 

Eventually Jackie had to give up, tossing the lighter onto the ground. She grabbed one of her blankets wrapping it around her shaking body. She cast a look at the window, and she swore, for a split second, she saw Shauna. But she was gone as quick as she was there. Whatever . Jackie didn’t need her! She could use another blanket, though. She’d taken two as well as a pad for sleeping, but it wasn’t enough for the wind without a fire. She knew she should go in, but she also couldn’t. Because she hoped, she stupidly hoped that Shauna would come out and bring her in.

She wasn’t sure when she fell asleep, but she was in a sleep deep enough that when she was jolted awake, she was sure she felt her heart burst out of her chest. She could hear someone standing over her, and she was still holding onto hope that it was Shauna, but when she blinked the sleep out of her eyes, she was left disappointed when she found herself looking at Natalie Scatorccio. 

“What the fuck ?” her teammate asked, “How long have you been out here?”

“I…I don’t know.” How could she know? It wasn’t like they had a clock! “Where have you been?”

“Looking for Javi with Travis. No luck though. It’s freezing out here.” Yeah, Jackie was aware.

“You should get inside,” Nat said, “You’ll freeze to death if you stay out here.”

“No thank you. Nobody wants me in there anyway.”

“What does that mean?” Jackie shrugged, “Look, whatever fight you got into with them will be resolved in the morning. No use freezing your ass off for it.”

“It’s not going to resolve,” Jackie said, “It’s never going to resolve.” Nat sighed,

“I know I’m going to regret asking, but what happened?” How had her life come to this? How had she gone from confiding in Shauna about things to having no choice but to bare her soul out to Natalie in the middle of the freezing woods? 

“Shauna slept with Jeff. He’s…he’s the father of her baby.” Nat went quiet after that, “Go ahead, make your jokes.” Given what she’d done last night, Jackie was sure Nat would have a field day with this.

“I wasn’t going to make a joke,” she said. Jackie frowned.

“Really?” she asked. Nat shrugged.

“Really. I’m sorry that happened.” Oh.

“Thanks,” she said. Nat wrapped her arms around herself.

“Let’s get inside. I don’t like this wind.”

“I’m not going in. I don’t want to see her.”

“Well she sleeps upstairs so you don’t have to. In the morning, you can leave before she wakes up if you want. But no use being out here now. Especially if there are more bears.” Damn . Imagine after all they’d been through, Jackie got mauled by a bear . How embarrassing would that be?

“Fine,” she said, getting up from her sleeping pad. She left it and one of the blankets outside, deciding to come back for it in the morning. Her arms were getting a little weak from being out in the cold.

When she and Nat entered the cabin, everybody was asleep. There was a small fire still going, which made it easy for Jackie to find her bed. 

“I’m gonna go check on Travis,” Nat whispered, and Jackie nodded. Nat went into Travis’s room, and Jackie sat by the fire, using it to warm her hands. Okay, maybe Nat had a point. Maybe staying outside for the night would’ve been a bad idea. But that didn’t make her any less mad at Shauna. Or at her so-called teammates who seemed A okay with her going out into the cold by herself. Seriously, fuck all of them. But fuck Shauna the most! 

Misty rolled over on her side, making Jackie jump. The last thing she wanted to do was wake someone up and cause another argument. She stilled her movements until she was sure Misty wouldn’t wake up, then she went back to warming her hands. Once they’d achieved their usual color, she went back to her bed. Her blanket had warmed up near the fire, and she was able to actually get warmth from it as she laid in bed. But as she slept, she couldn’t help but notice Shauna’s empty side. She’d gotten used to the empty space over the past few months, but now, knowing what she did and having it confirmed for her just made it feel so much worse. So she turned over, putting her back to it. It was the only way she was able to fall asleep. 

Shauna

Why didn’t I go out?

That question plagued Shauna all night. After a glorious two hours of sleep, Shauna woke up with that same pit in her stomach. The last time she’d seen Jackie had been about ten minutes before she went to sleep. Well, ten minutes before she laid down and wondered just how things could have gone so wrong for her and Jackie. She’d laid awake for most of the night, debating on whether or not she should just go and bring her friend-well- former friend inside.

It was getting colder, and it wasn’t safe to be out there. But then she thought about Jackie fucking Travis, or how in their fight, Jackie refused to take any responsibility or even admit that there was some truth to Shauna’s claims, so she’d stayed in her bed. She stayed in her bed until morning when she felt a chill. 

Shauna moved some hair out of her face, and walked towards the window. She could feel the cold air as she got closer, and when she did, she could see condensation. How had that happened? 

She was answered when she looked outside and saw white snow blanketing the ground. She could hear whispers and excited squeals from downstairs.

“Oh my God,” Misty said.

“Is that snow?” Mari asked. Shauna loved the snow. Winter was actually one of her favorite holidays. There was no soccer practice because it was too cold to go outside, so she would be able to spend her days in her warm house drinking hot cocoa and watching stupid Christmas movies. Well, Shauna thought they were stupid. Jackie loved them. There was a twinge in her chest when she remembered that, and it only worsened as Shauna stared at the snow longer, and her face paled as she saw a lump of blankets covered in snow. Jackie’s blankets.

“No,” she said. No no no . Shauna tore through the attic, down the ladder, and outside the cabin, “No no no.” She ran to the blankets, pushing snow out of the way, not even caring how the freezing ice stung her hand.

“No no Jackie, Jackie please,” she said. She could feel tears start to form as she moved the snow out of the way, and she soon felt the blankets. Only, that was all it was. Blankets. Huh?

“I’m right here,” came a cross voice behind her. Shauna whirled around, face streaming with tears, and saw Jackie standing at the door. Besides a little bed head from a night of sleep, Jackie looked fine . 

“Jackie,” she said, wiping her face off. The rest of the team had come out with her, and all of them were looking at Shauna like she’d just grown three heads. 

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Oh I was just…I thought…” How the fuck was she supposed to explain this? Everybody was staring at her, and Jackie was looking at her with an expression so hateful, that Shauna was pretty sure any attempt at even trying to explain would not end well.

“Never mind,” she said. Jackie rolled her eyes, and went back inside the cabin. Shauna heard Mari snort under her breath, and the rest of the team remained quiet. Luckily, Shauna was saved from embarrassment by Crystal who wanted to go play in the snow. Most of the others went with her, except Nat who went to check on Travis, Lottie who had chosen to sit on the bench, and Jackie, who was ascending the ladder to the attic. 

“What are you doing,” she muttered to herself. She followed Jackie up the ladder, and saw her rooting through her stuff, “Hey!”

“Are there more?” Jackie asked.

“More what?” Shauna asked.

“Journals. Do you have more journals?”

“No!” she exclaimed. That was a lie. “And even if I did, it’s none of your business what’s in them.”

“I deserve to know. He’s my boyfriend.”

“You already read everything, didn’t you? What else do you need to know?”

“Why?” she asked, “Why would you do this to me? You were my best friend.” It was the same thing she’d said last night, and it didn’t hurt any less.

“Well?” Jackie asked, “What was it? Did you really hate me that much? Is that it?”

“I don’t hate you-”

“Then why would you hurt me that badly? Huh?”

“It wasn’t about hurting you! I never meant to hurt you!”

“How would this not hurt me?” Jackie asked, “Did you…did you think I’d just never find out?”

“Well…yeah.”

“Oh wow !”

“I’m not proud of it.”

“That makes me feel so much better!”

“I’m not trying to make you feel better, I’m telling you the truth!”

“Well you’re doing a lousy job at both!” Jackie complained. Shauna scoffed.

“Whatever. I’m gonna go help out downstairs. I’m assuming you won’t be doing the same.”

“ Oh fuck you,” Jackie said. Shauna went to the hatch to head down the ladder, but she immediately had to stop herself when she realized it wasn’t there anymore. One more step and she would’ve probably broken all her bones.

“What the hell…” she whispered. She looked around, trying to find where the ladder could have gone to, but she was coming up empty.

“So I’m useless but you can’t even find a ladder?” came Jackie’s unhelpful comment.

“Shut up!” Shauna snapped. Had it fallen when she climbed up? She felt like she would have noticed that, though.

“God, what are you doing?” Jackie asked, actually going over to join her. She, like Shauna, also didn’t notice the problem, and nearly fell through the hole. Her strides had been bigger than Shauna’s, so she needed to catch her to make sure Jackie didn’t fall.

“Get off! ” Jackie grumbled, pushing Shauna away and righting herself.

“Next time, I’m letting you fall,” Shauna said.

“Where the fuck is the ladder?” Jackie asked, looking down.

“That’s what I was wondering,” Shauna said, “Guys!” She heard footsteps, and she saw Nat on the floor below her.

“What gives? Where’s the ladder?” she asked.

“Look, I don’t know what happened last night, and I don’t care. But now is not the time for us to be fighting! So you two can kill each other, work it out, I don’t give a shit , but just fix it . I’ll bring the ladder back when you do.” Shauna gasped, and Jackie’s jaw dropped. 

“Hey! You can’t do that!” Jackie called after Nat’s retreating form, “Natalie!” A few seconds passed, and Jackie groaned.

“She’s not coming back, is she?”

“Nope,” Shauna said, “So what should we do?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. I bet you’re regretting coming up here now.”

“You know what, you’re right,” Shauna said, “I do hate you.”

“Feeling’s mutual!” Jackie called after her as she walked away.

Jackie

Jackie didn’t hate Shauna. And she liked to believe, deep down, that the other girl didn’t hate her either. She should hate her. She just didn’t. But she didn’t particularly like her right now either, so the fact that she was stuck in the attic with her was still pretty misery inducing. 

They hadn’t spoken at all since they found out about the ladder. Shauna was lying in her bed, reading a book. Why Shauna had brought books to what would have been their one week vacation in Seattle was beyond her. But now, Jackie was kind of jealous because at least she had something to do . All of Jackie’s things were a floor down. She was glad she’d kept her letterman jacket because there was a draft from somewhere other than the window Lottie smashed which had been somewhat repaired.

She wanted to go find the draft, but she also didn’t want to get up. Being stranded in the wilderness was exhausting . The only bright side to being stuck in the attic was that she didn’t have to do any work. Not that she wanted to prove Shauna right or anything, but she really had no intention of helping if she didn’t have to. And if Nat was going to take their only means of getting safely upstairs, at least it meant Jackie was in the clear. 

Not that anyone was really working today anyway. When Jackie looked outside, she saw most everyone playing in the snow, except Coach Ben, who was probably still inside, and Nat and Travis, who sat at the side, whispering to each other. Probably about Javi, who was still out there, lost. Jackie wondered, if Nat had been so worried about her staying outside for a night, then how was Javi faring?

“Did you see him at all during Doomcoming? Javi?” she asked Shauna. She didn’t answer, she just flipped her book a page, “Helloooo? Shauna?” No answer, “Shauna!” This was ridiculous. Jackie was the one who was wronged, and Shauna was acting like the victim. Unbelievable! 

This was enough to get Jackie up. She stormed over to Shauna, and ripped the book from her hands, tossing it across the room.

“Excuse you!” Shauna exclaimed.

“Now will you answer my question?” Shauna rolled her eyes, getting up from her bed. She walked over to her book, dusting it off.

“My dad gave me this book.”

“Is it broken?”

“No.”

“Then it’s not a big deal, right?” Shauna rolled her eyes, “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I barely remember Doomcoming,” Shauna said, “Everything after we ate Misty’s soup is a blur.”

“They’re looking for him,” Jackie commented, “Do you think they’ll find him?” Shauna shrugged, “Travis will be pretty wrecked if they don’t.”

“Well then maybe Travis should’ve been keeping a better eye on his brother instead of…” Jackie knew what Shauna was going to say next, but she stopped herself before she could finish.

“Instead of what?” Jackie asked, “Don’t be shy.”

“Shut up,” Shauna said, “It’s not important.”

“Was it good?”

“Was what good?”

“Fucking Jeff. Was it good?”

“Oh my God…”

“What? I’ve never done it with him. I’m curious.”

“Was it good with Travis?” Shauna countered. For a deflection, that was kind of lame.

“I asked you first.”

“You answer, then I will.”

“That’s not nice.”

“I thought we established that I wasn’t nice.”

“Fine! It was great.” A lie, but it wasn’t like they had a polygraph. She noticed the anger and annoyance leave Shauna’s face, and now she just looked kinda hurt.

“Really?” she asked, “You liked it?”

“Yeah, I did,” she said smugly, “Why? Did you not like doing it with Jeff?”

“No,” Shauna said, her voice kind of breaking a bit, “I didn’t like it at all.” She then turned away, and took her book and curled up in the farthest corner of the attic to read.

Why was she so upset? Jackie was the one who deserved to be upset! And worst of all, why did Jackie feel bad about Shauna being upset? Why did she want to go over there and comfort her and explain that it wasn’t her fault because Jeff had no clue about how to please a woman?

Shauna didn’t deserve her comfort. Shauna didn’t deserve anything from her. And it was annoying that Jackie was the one who felt bad when Shauna seemed just fine. It was also annoying that she hadn’t enjoyed having sex with Travis at all and the fact that she lied was her only source of upper hand at the moment. God, her life was the worst!

“You don’t get to be sad!” she snapped, “No one forced you to sleep with Jeff! If you’re so upset that it went horribly, then maybe you shouldn’t have done it at all!” Jackie expected Shauna to continue with her annoying silent treatment, but this time, she lowered the book. 

“Do you honestly think you and Jeff would still be together?” she asked.

“Excuse me?”

“If we were home, would you and Jeff be together?”

Honestly, probably not. Jeff had no interest in going to Rutgers. He was just going to take over his dad’s furniture shop one day after going somewhere in Baltimore on a baseball scholarship. Jackie always planned on moving on in college. Sure, she hadn’t been interested in any of the guys she’d met on the tour, but she was sure she’d meet someone when she started. And if not, Shauna was going to be there. And that would have been enough. 

“No, I guess not,” Jackie said, “but is that supposed to make it okay?”

“That’s not why I asked,” Shauna said, “I just…he didn’t mean anything, alright? It was just sex. I don’t love him or anything.” Neither do I . Jackie debated saying it. She wanted to say it. But she also still needed Shauna to feel bad. 

“Then why?” she asked again, “Why do it in the first place if you didn’t get anything out of it?” Part of her wished Shauna did love Jeff. She wished she loved him so much that nothing in the world made sense except being with him. It wouldn’t make the betrayal hurt less, but it would make it make sense . 

“I just…” Shauna started, then she trailed off, not in a way where she didn’t know what to say, but in a way where she did, but she just couldn’t get the words out.

“You just what ?” she asked, “Just tell me! ” Shauna retreated back into her book, “At least tell me how it started.” Her journals only talked about recent events. Jackie wanted to know everything.

“Hey!” she snapped as Shauna flipped a page, “You owe me.” Shauna scowled at her, but she still put the book down.

“It was last semester. He bombed his trig test and was gonna get benched for the season. He came to the tutoring center-”

“Since when did you work at the tutoring center?”

“Since I needed the money, and college apps are expensive.” Apps plural? They’d only applied to Rutgers.

“What happened?” Jackie asked, hoping and praying that Shauna had said the word as a plural by mistake. But she feared it wasn’t.

“We had to meet after hours because we both had practice,” she said, “It was me and him alone in there. We decided to take a break, and he started asking me all of these questions. It was then when we realized that we’d known each other for years, but we didn’t really know each other.” Jackie scoffed. This was such a cliché. 

“Who kissed who?” she asked, and Shauna looked away, “Wow.”

“I didn’t like, have a crush on him or anything,” she said, “He just listened to me, and that was nice.” Her words stung.

“I listen to you,” she said. Contrary to what she had spat at her last night, Jackie didn’t act like Shauna didn’t exist. Could she be self absorbed sometimes? Yeah, sure. But she’d never ignore Shauna. It would be impossible to ignore Shauna. 

“Jackie, you didn’t even realize I took on a whole other job.” Dammit.

“Yeah well, that semester was really busy for me. You know how my parents were getting on me for my grades? And the team was in kind of bad shape. I had a lot of priorities.”

“I know. Because you told me all of this, and I listened .”

“Well, did you ever tell me about the tutoring job?” Shauna opened her mouth, then closed it. Jackie laughed.

“See, that’s your problem, Shipman. You-you painted this image of me in your head of this controlling monster who suffocates you, and you never once even stopped to think that hey, maybe if you just talked to me , we could have worked everything out?”

“I didn’t know how to tell you,” she said, “I don’t know how to tell you a lot of things!”

“Why not?”

“Because I-look, Jeff was a mistake, okay? But it’s over. Even if we somehow do make it back, it’s over .”

“You’re not answering my question.”

“It’s not important.”

“If it’s not important then why can’t you just say it?”

“Oh my God can you just let it go?”

“Let it go? You fucked my boyfriend, and I’m the one who’s supposed to let it go?”

“That’s not what I meant-”

“Then what did you mean?” Jackie was at her wits end with Shauna, “I swear to God, Shipman, you tell me right now or I will crack that window open and jump ou-”

“I hated seeing you with him!” Shauna snapped, effectively cutting her off.

“You-so you did have feelings for him?”

“No, that’s not-”

“You see me happy with Jeff, and you don’t like it, then you kiss him , and I’m supposed to believe that there was nothing going on between you?”

“There is nothing. I don’t love Jeff, I love-” Shauna stopped herself, running her hand through her hair, “He told me he loved me, but I made him say it. I never said it back.”

“Jesus Christ , Shauna. Do you not realize how pathetic you sound? You were so desperate for love that you needed to get it from Jeff ?”

“Well it’s not like I get it from you” Shauna said, and Jackie frowned.

“Huh?”

“I love you,” Shauna said, “You’ve never said it back.” Again, huh ?

“What the…what the fuck does that have to do with anything?” she asked. Of course she loved Shauna! She probably didn’t right now, but that didn’t mean she never did!

“Are you serious? You slept with my boyfriend because I never said that I loved you?”

“You don’t get it.”

“You’re right, I don’t!”

“Jeff says it to me!” she exclaimed, “And yeah, he doesn’t mean it, but I can ask him to, and he does.” Jackie scoffed.

“Everything you say makes this even worse…”

“You asked for the truth.”

“No. This isn’t the truth. This is an excuse ,” Jackie said.

“I know it’s not enough for you-”

“No Shauna, this wouldn’t be enough for anybody because it’s bullshit !”

“Forget I said anything, then.”

“You are unbelievable, you know that? See, I was right. You are obsessed with me.”

“Oh my God, shut up ! I’m not having this same fight with you.”

“Then what are we even doing, hmm?” Jackie asked, “You’re just going to keep making excuses, and act like I’m the one who’s in the wrong. Newsflash, Shauna. You don’t sleep with somebody’s boyfriend because you want them to be a better friend. You sleep with him because you are jealous, you are insecure, and you want what I have !”

“You don’t know anything about me!” Shauna shouted, slamming the book on the ground. She got up, walking over to her.

“How can you not see what your problem is?” she asked, “I don’t want to be you! I don’t want to be in a loveless relationship with some boy who I’m probably never even going to think about in a few years!” 

“Do you not even hear how hypocritical you sound?” Jackie asked, “How can you fault me for being with Jeff when you were the one sleeping with him?”

“Well you’re the one who’s in love with him. For me, he was nothing. For you, he’s everything.”

“He’s not…he’s not everything ,” Jackie said. He wasn’t nothing. He’d still been her boyfriend for four years. But he wasn’t everything .

“You had Jeff, you were in love,” she said, “I wasn’t jealous of what you had with him. I was…” And there it was again. The trail off that seemed to happen every time Jackie got close to an answer.

“We’re not getting anywhere here,” Jackie said, “You have to tell me the truth.” Shauna shrugged, crossing her arms.

“Does it really bother you? That I never say it?”

“Kind of,” Shauna mumbled, “Why don’t you?” Jackie honestly didn’t know. It was such a small thing to her. She knew she loved Shauna, so she never felt like she had to say it over and over. It wasn’t like her parents ever said it, and they loved her, right? Jeff said it all the time, and it never felt real. So Jackie never found the word overly necessary. It wasn’t until she saw the look on Shauna’s face that she realized she’d said that entire thing out loud. 

“You’ve never said it to Jeff?” Shauna asked. Jackie shook her head.

“Do you not…” Shauna started, and Jackie’s silence answered the question for her, “Oh.” There was a chilly silence that followed, and Shauna said,

“When I asked you last time, you said you didn’t know.”

“I knew. The answer was no, I just couldn’t say it.” Jackie wasn’t sure if she imagined it or not, but she saw a small, small smile on Shauna’s face. 

“And Travis…” if she was being honest, she might as well be fully honest, right? “I didn’t like it. I hated it, actually.” There was an almost hopeful look in Shauna’s eyes, and that was confusing. She knew Shauna didn’t like Travis. So why was it that when she lied that she liked it, Shauna was upset, but when she told the truth, she was happy? 

“Seriously?” she asked.

“He’s not a bad guy,” Jackie said, “and maybe it was because he was my first but, it was…not good. Are you supposed to feel bad afterwards?”

“No,” Shauna said, “but I do every time.”

“Gee thanks,” Jackie said, and Shauna chuckled dryly, “What?”

“I’m just realizing that this is probably the most honest conversation we’ve ever had.”

“And that’s really pathetic,” Jackie noted.

“Extremely,” Shauna said, then she grunted.

“What is it?” Jackie asked.

“It’s nothing. It’s just… ow !” Shauna doubled over, clutching her stomach.

“What happened?” Jackie asked. 

“I don’t know,” she said, “I think something is wrong.” Shauna went to sit on the cabin floor, leaning against the wall. Jackie bit her lip. She didn’t have to go over there, but she wanted to. She could tell Shauna was in pain, and she just couldn’t shake her usual urge to go and comfort her.

Jackie walked over to her, and crouched down. 

“What’s happening?” she asked.

“It hurts. It usually hurts, and I’ve managed that, but it’s different today.”

“What does it feel like?”

“I don’t know? Like…pounding?”

“Pounding?” Shauna nodded, “Do you mind if I…” Jackie reached forward, placing a hand on Shauna’s belly. She felt it almost instantly, but it wasn’t pounding.

“It’s kicking,” Jackie said.

“What?” Shauna asked, and as she gasped in pain, Jackie felt the kick again.

“Your baby is kicking.” She was pretty sure she heard Shauna gasp.

“No way,” she said.

“Feel it,” Jackie told her, moving her hand. Shauna placed hers down, but she frowned.

“I can’t find it,” she said.

“You’re too high up,” Jackie said, “Come down.” Jackie took Shuana’s hand, guiding it down towards the baby. At first, nothing happened, but then the kick came again.

“Oh my God!” Shauna exclaimed.

“You feel that?”

“Yeah, I do!” The fear left Shauna’s eyes, and she started to laugh, “My baby…my baby kicks!” 

“Yeah,” Jackie said, then her smile fell, “Jeff’s baby kicks.” She removed her hand from Shauna’s, and she walked away.

“Jackie, what are you-”

“Just leave me alone, okay?” 

“Jackie!” She couldn’t actually leave, so she settled for the other side of the attic, pulling her legs to her chest. She could feel tears spilling out, but no way was she letting Shauna hear her cry, so she buried her head in her knees. 

Shauna

She knew Jackie was crying. Jackie didn’t cry often, so it was easy to notice when she did. Shauna felt horrible. She thought they were having a moment. She knew they couldn’t fix everything between them, but it had at least felt like they were moving in a somewhat positive direction. But now…now Jackie was crying, the baby was hurting her, and she was still trapped in an attic.

Shauna didn’t believe in karma, but no way this wasn’t some kind of karmic retribution. She’d slept with Jeff, now she was pregnant, Jackie was angry, and they were eventually going to run out of bear meat and die. She got it. She was a horrible fucking person. And maybe…maybe she kind of deserved some bad shit to happen to her. But on the other hand, it wasn’t fair how Jackie even refused to admit that maybe Shauna had a point. Jackie could be a little self absorbed. And Shauna didn’t get why Jackie couldn’t just accept that Shauna didn’t love Jeff, and just let it go!

There was a sniffle from the other side of the room. Shauna knew she couldn’t just sit there forever, so she got up, and slowly crossed over. Jackie had her head buried in her knees, and she didn’t look up, even when Shauna prodded her with her shoe. 

“Jackie? Jax,” she tapped her again, and this time, Jackie flinched. She lifted her head from her knees, and Shauna could see the dried tears on her eyes.

“That hurt,” she said. 

“You’re so dramatic,” Shauna said. She laughed when she said it, but Jackie didn’t laugh with her.

“I’m glad Nat brought me inside last night,” Jackie said, “but why didn’t you ?”

“I wanted to. Really, I did.” Shauna had barely slept because of how badly she’d wanted to go. But every time she even made an attempt to get up, she just remembered how angry she was. Angry at Jackie for never listening to her, and angry at herself for sleeping with Jeff in the first place. So she stayed in her bed. She’d stayed in bed while snow fell outside. She didn’t even want to think about what would have happened to Jackie if she’d stayed in it.

“But?” Jackie asked.

“But…I was angry,” she admitted, “and I know you were, too. I figured we needed space.”

“That was all it was?”

“For the most part. But also, I got a little kick out of it.” She wasn’t proud of it, but she felt a touch of superiority over Jackie being the one on the outside.

“I see,” Jackie said.

“I didn’t want anything to actually happen to you, though,” she clarified, “I was scared this morning. I was worried you were still out there.”

“Yeah, we all saw,” Jackie said, and this time, she did laugh, “You were so freaked out. I thought you were going to start screaming.”

“I wasn’t that scared.”

“Yeah right,” Jackie said, “Admit it, Shipman. You were terrified.”

“If I say yes, will you stop crying?”

“Hmm, maybe,” Jackie said, “Will you have not fucked Jeff if I say yes?” Oh.

“No,” Shauna said.

“Thought so,” Jackie replied stiffly.

“Jackie, I never meant to hur-”

“Yeah yeah, you said that before,” Jackie said. She wiped a tear from her eye, and fixed her gaze on Shauna, “You said I didn’t know anything about you. What else don’t I know?” Oh God.  

“College,” she said.

“Mmhmm,” Jackie said, “You filled out other applications?”

“I did.”

“To where?”

“Just one other. To Brown.” 

“And?”

“I got in. I accepted their offer.” Shauna watched Jackie’s next expressions carefully. Was she hurt? Was she mad? It was hard to say.

“So. We weren’t going to college together?” 

“I never said no to Rutgers,” Shauna said, which was the truth. She planned on it eventually, but up until the time of the crash, she hadn’t yet. And she hadn’t made a binding commitment to Brown either, so…

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You never asked!”

“Because you never even brought up going somewhere else!” Jackie snapped, “If my choice in college bothers you, you tell me. If my choice in extracurricular bothers you, you tell me. If my boyfriend bothers you, you tell me!”

“How the fuck was I supposed to tell you that? If I told you everything that bothered me, then we probably wouldn’t have even been friends!”

“And would that have been the worst thing?” Jackie asked, “Seriously, Shauna. I’m asking.”

“I mean…I wouldn’t have wanted to never be your friend.”

“Really? There’s not a part of you that blames me for making you do soccer?”

“No. I don’t actually hate soccer that much,” she said. She didn’t love it, but she knew she wasn’t bad. In fact, her essay about playing soccer had kinda been what got her into Brown. Not that Jackie really needed to know that…

“I don’t understand why you never thought you could be honest with me,” Jackie said, “I thought we told each other everything.”

“Do you tell me everything?”

“I guess not. But I’d never keep secrets this big from you. You were right. I’ve never really known you.”

“Now that you do, are we still friends?” Jackie took a second to think about it. She looked Shauna up and down, then said,

“How can I be? You still won’t even tell me why you did it.” How could she do that? How could she explain that she didn’t want Jackie to be with Jeff because she wanted her to be with her instead? It sounded…weird. Shauna herself couldn’t even explain it. It started when Jackie and Jeff did. Shauna found that Jackie would spend more time with him instead of her.

“He’s my boyfriend, Shauna. I have to make time for him. You understand, right?” she used to tell her. Eventually there came a point where Jackie would choose Shauna over him, but that was after two years of being the third wheel while Jackie and Jeff were all over each other. It made her sick .

Her mom actually joked that Shauna had feelings for Jeff once. It was after Jackie cancelled plans, and Shauna went on a whole rant about how Jeff and Jackie made her sick. But Shauna would never have feelings for Jeff. He was the problem, actually.

For Shauna, it was never about the fact that Jeff was with Jackie, but that Jackie was with Jeff. And when she’d first gotten with Jeff, it wasn’t because she had feelings for him or loved him-and she’d told Jackie that much-but because if she was with him, it was almost like, in a way, she could be with Jackie.

Jesus Christ, Shauna! She couldn’t be thinking like this. It was ridiculous, really. Sure, she’d had thoughts like this before, but they never meant anything. So there was no reason to tell Jackie that. Then she’d just think Shauna actually was obsessed with her. 

“I’m sorry, Jackie,” was all she could say.

“Right,” she said, “Sure you are.” Jackie had started to cry again, and as they sat in silence, Shauna realized she was crying, too.

“I don’t hate you,” Jackie said, “I tried to, but I can’t.”

“Oh. Thanks.” Her reply sounded emotionless, but she couldn’t lie. She was beyond relieved. Because if Jackie didn’t hate her, then they still had a chance.

“But I’m not really sure I like you right now, so…I think we should give each other some space,” Jackie said. Oh .

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Jackie stood up from the ground, and walked to the attic entrance.

“Natalie! Put the fucking ladder back, we’re fine!”

“Are you sure?” Nat asked after a few moments.

“We’re sure!” Shauna called. A few minutes passed, and Shauna was pretty sure she could hear faint whispering. It died down soon, and Nat responded.

“Okay! Putting it back up!” Shauna heard some shuffling, and while they waited for the ladder to be returned, Jackie turned to her.

“I’ll be there,” she said.

“Huh?” Shauna asked.

“When the baby comes, I’ll be there. I’ll hold your hand, get you ice chips from the snow or whatever. Whatever you need.”

“Wait, really?” Shauna asked.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Jackie, tha-”

“Don’t thank me,” Jackie said before she could even finish, “Let’s just…let’s just get past the baby, then we’ll figure out where we stand, okay?”

“Okay,” she said. It wasn’t perfect, but, given what she’d done, maybe it was enough.

Chapter Text

Shauna

Jackie didn’t speak to her for a while after that. She hadn’t expected her to, but the silence was getting chilly. Or maybe that was just the temperature outside. They’d gone from slight wind to freezing overnight.

Tai had moved back down with the others to be closer to Van, and she’d asked Shauna to come with her, but she’d declined. It was better to be alone than face Jackie. The other girls checked in on her occasionally, but most nights were spent alone. Well, that was until a month passed, and after everyone went to sleep, she heard someone come up. She’d expected it to be Tai. Maybe the group life wasn’t for her, and she’d come back, but it wasn’t Tai who ascended the ladder. It was Jackie.

Her former best friend didn’t say anything as she crossed the attic. Shauna watched her struggle with her mess of blankets before eventually dumping them all on the ground. She made up a bed as far away from Shauna as possible, then she laid down. At first, Shauna thought she’d go to bed without speaking, but eventually she said,

“Lottie snores like, a lot. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“Okay,” Shauna said, unsure of how she was meant to answer that. She wasn’t familiar with Lottie’s snoring considering she and Jackie always roomed with Tai and Van during away games, but she could take her word for it.

“Goodnight,” she offered as a sort of peace offering. Jackie didn’t respond to it. She went to sleep, but was awoken not long later when she could hear Jackie moving around, rooting through old crevices in the attack.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“There’s a draft coming in from somewhere. I seriously don’t know how you can sleep up here. It’s freezing !” Then why don’t you leave? she wondered. As much as Jackie complained, it didn’t look like she was packing up her stuff any time soon. 

“Jackie, you’re gonna hurt yourself,” Shauna said as the girl started climbing up one of the walls.

“I think I can get it,” she said. Shauna rolled on her side, and watched Jackie sloppily maneuver herself up. It reminded her of when they were twelve, and Jackie’s dad took the two of them rock climbing at an indoor climbing wall. Shauna had found it easy, but Jackie struggled. Not wanting to make her friend feel bad, Shauna “slipped” on a rock during their race, and she let Jackie win. 

This time, it was Jackie who slipped, because when she made a move to grab one of the ceiling beams, she lost footing on the wall, and crashed onto the attic floor. Shauna’s first instinct was to say “I told you so,” but she set that aside, and got out of bed. 

“Here,” she said, extending an arm to Jackie. Jackie swatted her arm away and snapped,

“I don’t need your help!” 

“Alright!” Shauna exclaimed, putting her hands up in surrender. Jackie pulled herself up.

“There’s a small crack in the ceiling. It’s causing the draft.”

“Can we patch it?”

“Not without going on the roof. Nothing will hold here,” Jackie replied.

“I’m not going on the roof in that cold,” Shauna commented.

“Yeah, me neither,” Jackie added. So was that it? Would she go back downstairs? Jackie went back to her makeshift bed, and Shauna thought she would pack up, but she just climbed under her covers.

“You’re staying?” Shauna asked, and Jackie just shrugged, refusing to look at her. Shauna held in a deep sigh, and went back to her bed. The room got quiet, and it wasn’t long before Shauna could hear Jackie’s slow breathing, telling her she was asleep. 

It felt weird. They were technically having a sleepover, right? But they were so far. In fact, Shauna was sure Jackie picked the furthest place possible for her to make her bed. Maybe that was why she felt the draft so much more than Shauna did. It was on her side after all. Shauna wondered if she should suggest Jackie move closer. Would the girl go for it if it meant she wouldn’t be cold?

“Jackie? Jackie!” she called, hoping she’d wake her up. No answer. Whatever . If Jackie preferred freezing to death over being anywhere near her, that was her prerogative. And besides, it wasn’t like she hadn’t tried it before. At least this time she was actually staying inside. So Shauna did go to bed, but that didn’t stop her mind from worrying until she was out. 

Tai

A month had passed since Doomcoming, and they were running out of food. She knew this was something that would happen eventually, but that didn’t make the fact any less scary. Shauna was getting dangerously close to delivery, so Tai had taken it upon herself to go into the meat shed and divide up the food. When she did get there, she saw that there was no longer enough bear for everyone to get even half a piece. That wouldn’t be enough to sustain them, and it definitely wouldn’t be enough for the baby.

“Any luck?” she heard from the door. Tai turned around and saw Van, hugging her body close to shield it from the wind.

“We’ll be out by today. Look.” Van came closer, and Tai watched her grimace as she looked at the meager offerings presented to them. 

“This is bad, Tai. Nat and Travis just came back from a hunting trip. They didn’t get anything.” 

“How can there be nothing?” Tai asked, “Not even a bird, or a squirrel?”

“I would eat the fuck out of a squirrel right now,” Van said, and that was able to get a small smile out of her, which vanished as Van continued with, “but nothing. All the animals have left for the winter.”

“I’m starting to think we should’ve gone with them,” Tai said grimly. Van gave her a look, suggesting disagreement, “What?”

“It’s just that…Lottie said something about how we wouldn’t be hungry anymore, and then the bear came. So uh, I was just thinking, maybe the wilderness could…offer us more food?” Tai blinked, then took a breath to steel herself.

“Van, that’s not how it works.”

“I know that, but let’s face the facts, Lottie said there would be a river of blood, and there was. She said Jackie didn’t matter anymore, and she almost went to sleep outside and die -”

“We don’t know that she would’ve died-”

“If Nat hadn’t brought her in, she would’ve been out there in like, five inches of snow. No way she would’ve survived that.” She then lowered her voice and added, 

“I mean, come on, Tai. She couldn’t even start a fire .”

“Okay, Jackie would’ve been toast. But that doesn’t mean Lottie’s wilderness premonitions are anything to go on. And besides, it’s not like she’s had any new ones anyway.”

“But she’s trying,” Van countered. 

“What do you mean?”

“A group of us meet with Lottie every morning, and we, y’know, pray for things.”

“Since when were you religious?”

“I’m not. But the group helps. It actually gives me hope that Shauna will have her baby, or that a plane will come for us. I think you should come.”

“Van-”

“Just once. One meeting, and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come back. Please, Tai?” Tai learned long ago that she had an inability to say no to Van. 

“Alright. One meeting.” Van grinned, and pulled her in for a kiss. Was the most romantic place to kiss her girlfriend a dirty meat shed next to their slowly diminishing food supply? Probably not, but that didn’t mean Tai didn’t savor every bit of that kiss. A kiss that was annoyingly interrupted by Mari banging on the door.

“ Tai! Where’s the food?” 

“If we act really quiet, do you think she’ll go away?” Van whispered, and Tai shook her head. 

“It’s Mari,” she whispered back, “She’ll bang the door down in seconds if we don’t answer.”

“So what I’m hearing is…” Van asked as she traced a hand over Tai’s chest, “We have seconds?”

“We have-”

“Tai! I will break the fucking door down!” Mari snapped, cutting her off.

“Oh my god,” she muttered, then yelled, “I’m coming, Mari!” 

“Later?” Van asked.

“Later,” Tai affirmed, “Definitely later.” She grabbed the tray of meat, and Van held the door open for her as she exited. Tai watched Mari’s face fall when she saw what was on the tray.

“That’s it?” she asked. 

“It’s all I could take to assure we had more,” Tai replied, “But even with what we have…we may only have like, a week left.”

“We could look for berries,” Mari suggested.

“All the crops are frozen,” Van said, “Our best bet is to hunt.”

“Yeah, because that’s given us such good results so far,” Mari said crossly, gesturing to Nat and Travis, who were sitting on the porch with their gun and no food.

“Everyone’s trying, Mari,” Tai said, “Sometimes that’s the best we can do, right?” Mari and Van exchanged a look, “What did I say?”

“Tai’s coming to the meeting today,” Van said, and Mari perked up.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Tai asked.

“Just wait until you hear what Lottie says,” Mari said, and for the first time ever, Tai realized that she didn’t seem annoyed or irritated, “Things could turn around.” She went to the cabin, and Van beamed at Tai before going to follow her. 

“Okay, whatever that means,” she grumbled. She went up the door, called Nat and Travis to come in with her, and she entered the cabin. Coach Scott was on his bed while Misty checked on his dressings, Akilah was huddled in the corner, and she looked like she was stroking something, but Tai couldn’t tell what it was. Lottie was sitting on the bench by the window, watching the snow fall, and Crystal, who was the first one to notice her come in, was humming as she sweeped the floor.

“Guys, food!” she exclaimed, and everyone’s attention was soon on her.

“Jackie, Shauna!” Misty called up to the attic, before coming up to take Ben’s share to him. 

“Is this really it?” Nat asked, looking at the sparse offerings.

“There’s more in the shed, but this is all I can take so we don’t lose it all.”

“It’s not enough,” Nat mused, “and it’s definitely not enough for Shauna.” At first, Tai thought Nat was blaming her. But when she saw the look on the girl’s face, she realized she was blaming herself.

“You’re trying your best,” she said, repeating her mantra from earlier, “If you keep going out, something’s gotta come to us eventually.”

“And what if “eventually” is too late?” Nat asked. Tai wasn’t sure she had a proper answer for that, “Give my share to Shauna. She needs two.”

“No,” came Lottie’s chilling voice from the side. How long had she even been listening? She came forward, and gave Nat her share, “You need your strength.”

“She’s right,” Travis said, “We can’t carry food back if you don’t eat.”

“We can’t carry food back at all,” Nat said bitterly, but she still took her share, going into the corner to eat.

“Thanks,” Travis said to both her and Lottie before taking his share and joining her. 

“You can give Shauna my share,” Lottie offered, “I can skip mine for the week.”

“No, no one’s skipping shares.” She gave Lottie her food, then moved the tray to the middle, letting everyone take what was theirs. She turned to Lottie, watching her next moves carefully. She toyed with her piece of bear meat for a second, then she did eventually eat it. Tai knew her growing hunger would change her mind, but she did feel her heart sink at the small portions. To keep the baby healthy, Shauna really would need two. But then, what happened to the rest of them?

“Tai, take yours. Let’s eat together,” Van said. Tai nodded slowly, taking her share from the tray. She and Van went to eat at the table, opposite Crystal and Misty who were giggling about something that Tai had no energy to care about. 

Jackie came downstairs a few moments later, and when Tai got a look at her, she nearly fell out of her chair from shock. Jackie looked horrible . Her eyes and nose were red,  she was shaking under her jacket, and her skin looked extremely pale. 

“Jesus Christ, Jackie,” Mari said, “What the hell are you and Shauna up to?”

“Shut up, Mari,” Jackie said crossly, taking her share from the tray. She took a seat at one of the chairs to eat, then Shauna came down. Shauna looked better than Jackie, which wasn’t a lot, considering anyone who didn’t look like they were on death’s door looked better than Jackie, but she didn’t look great. No one did. 

“Thanks, Tai,” Shauna said, taking her small helping from the pile. Shauna and Jackie locked eyes for a second, but immediately turned away from each other before going to eat on different sides of the room. Nat got up from her chair.

“I’m going out again, I’ll be back by the time the sun sets.”

“Natalie, I don’t think-” Coach Ben called after her, but she was gone before he could finish his sentence. He gave an expectant look to Travis, who quickly finished his food and went out after her.

“They shouldn’t be out there for long,” Mari commented, “It’s getting colder.”

“No shit,” Jackie said. Her voice came out stuffy, and Tai felt the sinking weight in her stomach again. If they all started to get sick, she couldn’t see them lasting much longer. 

Van

Lottie had her meetings every other day for an hour in the mornings. They usually took place right after they ate, in the woods a few minutes away from the cabin. Van, Mari, Akilah, and Misty went every day, and Travis would usually come, but since he was out with Nat, it was the perfect day for Tai to join. 

Van was excited for Tai to join them for this meeting, but when she looked over at her girlfriend, she could see the distrust in her eyes. And she could tell the others felt it, too. She pulled Tai closer to her, and whispered in her ear.

“Just keep an open mind. You might get more out of this than you think.” Tai nodded kindly, but Van could tell she wasn’t completely convinced yet. They approached the usual meeting circle, and Lottie regarded Tai kindly. 

“I’m glad you’re joining us, Taissa,” she said. 

“Wouldn’t miss it, Charlotte,” Tai said, and Van couldn’t tell if she was mocking or teasing her. Either way, Lottie didn’t seem to mind that much. 

“Let’s begin with a prayer,” Lottie said. Van closed her eyes, and the group recited their usual prayer. While she spoke, she listened to Taissa. She obviously didn’t know the words, but Van allowed herself a small smile when she heard Tai make an attempt to say then. 

“Very good,” Lottie said, and they opened their eyes, “Now, first matter of business…”

“We have no fucking food,” Mari complained, and Akilah voiced agreement. 

“You promised us we wouldn’t be hungry for much longer,” Misty said, “Won’t the wilderness reward us for our patience soon?”

“In time, Misty,” Lottie promised, “Remember what I said. The wilderness hears us. It won’t be long before it gives us what we need.”

“Give?” Van asked.

“Yes. We have a new arrival who will be here before we know it. Once the baby is here, the wilderness will hear it, and the wilderness will reward us.” The group nodded in agreement, except Tai, who raised her hand.

“No need to raise your hand, this is a free space to talk,” Lottie encouraged her.

“Yeah, okay. Um, Lot, I think it’s so great that you were right about the bear, since that’s all that’s been able to keep us fed for the past month, but do you really think food is going to fall out of the sky because Shauna has a baby?”

“No one is saying that,” Lottie responded calmly, “We must put in the work to ensure a safe delivery. Shauna’s well being needs to be our top priority.”

“Then Shauna needs to move downstairs,” Tai said, “We all heard it this morning. Jackie is getting sick. We need to isolate her in the attic, and keep Shauna as healthy as possible.”

“If Jackie’s getting sick and she ate with us this morning, does that mean we’ll all get sick?” Mari asked.

“If we keep our distance, we should be okay,” Misty said, “Though I’m with Tai. Isolation is the best way to ward off illness.”

“Then it shall be done,” Lottie said.

“Are we sure we have enough to go on until Shauna has the baby in a month?” Akilah asked.

“Food is scarce,” Lottie agreed, “but not nonexistent, right Tai?”

“Right, but to keep it going for a few more weeks, we’re going to have to cut the pieces down until we basically get a bite a week. It’ll get pretty ugly by the end.”

“Good thing we don’t have Javi to worry about anymore,” Mari whispered. 

“Mari!” Tai exclaimed. 

“What?” she asked, “Look, I’m sorry for Travis or whatever, but we’re barely surviving on what we have. Another person here would just complicate things.” The idea was horrible. Van thought-no, she knew -it was horrible. But at the same time, it was right. And Van couldn’t lie. There was a small part of her that wondered if they’d be better off if, well, if Jackie had stayed outside that night. 

“Van? Van?” She realized that Tai was calling her, so she pushed those thoughts to the side, and reintegrated herself into the meeting.

“I’m listening,” she lied.

“Don’t you agree?” Tai asked. Hmm? Van frowned, and she clarified.

“That we shouldn’t be giving Travis false hope that Javi is still out there?” Oh, definitely not . The group was in agreement that Jackie would be dead if she’d stayed outside that whole night. Javi had been gone for almost a month. There was no way he was still out there. 

“Javi is alive,” Lottie said before Van could even answer.

“You can’t just say that with no proof,” Tai said.

“I don’t need proof. Javi is still alive. That’s all that matters.” Van could tell that Tai wasn’t buying a single word Lottie was saying, so she gently pulled her close.

“Trust her,” she whispered, “You’ll see.” Van herself wasn’t sure if she one hundred percent believed what she was saying. But Lottie just, well, she had a way with things. She hadn’t given them a reason to doubt her so far, and honestly, it was sometimes the only thing that gave her hope.

“Let’s end with a prayer for Shauna,” Lottie said, “Pray for her health and the baby.”

“And the wilderness’s reward for the baby,” Akilah said with a nod. 

“Yes,” Lottie replied, “Trust me. When that baby comes, the wilderness will provide.”

Shauna

Jackie was so goddamn stupid. She knew she was sick. The entire fucking cabin knew she was sick! And because she got sick from sleeping under that stupid draft, everybody decreed that the attic was now off limits. Which was also total bullshit, by the way. If Jackie had just slept on Shauna’s side of the attic instead of being petty, she wouldn’t be sick, and Shauna wouldn’t be stuck downstairs sleeping in the middle of Misty, who rolled around in her sleep, and Crystal, who she was pretty sure was singing . 

Shauna groaned, putting her pillow around her ears. Fuck Jackie! She got to sleep by herself in Travis and Coach Ben’s room because she was “quarantining.” And she wasn’t quarantining far enough, because the third thing keeping her up was Jackie’s incessant coughing.

“My god, shut up!” Mari yelled. 

“Jesus Christ, Mari,” Van grumbled.

“What? The rest of us can’t get any work done if we can’t sleep!”

“She’s sick ,” Akilah countered, “She probably feels bad enough.”

“And besides. She’s nowhere near as bad as Cyndi Lauper over there,” Van said, gesturing to Crystal. 

“There’s no way she’s actually sleeping,” Gen said. 

“Her eyes are closed,” Tai commented.

“I’m gonna check,” Van said.

“Van!” Shauna said irritably.

“What? You can’t admit you’re not kinda curious.”

“What’s going on?” Coach Ben asked before Van could make it to Crystal. He pulled himself up, looking around.

“Where are Travis and Natalie?”

“Oh they’re-” Tai started, then trailed off when she saw Nat’s empty bed, “Wait.” Coach Ben’s eyes widened.

“They aren’t back yet?” he asked.

“They went hunting this morning,” Lottie said from where she was sitting by the door. She was the only one who hadn’t been asleep. She was tracing a shape in the floor, and seemed entirely unbothered by both Jackie coughing up a lung, and Nat and Travis being gone.

“They should be fine.”

“How do you know that?” Tai asked, “I’m asking, genuinely.” Lottie didn’t answer.

“If she says they’re fine, they’re probably fine,” Van said, crawling back over to her.

“I don’t accept that. The sun is down, it’s not safe,” Tai said.

“What’s gonna get them? Animals?” Mari asked crossly. 

“Shut up! I’m going,” Tai said.

“Okay, I’m coming with you,” Van said.

“No, Van,” Tai started, and Shauna could tell she was worried about what happened last time. 

“Come on, we all know there are no more wolves,” Van said, “I wouldn’t be going or letting you go if I didn’t think we’d be fine.”

“I’ll come too,” Akilah said, “Strength in numbers!” Gen and Melissa begrudgingly agreed to go as well, and the commotion woke Crystal and Misty, who decided to go too.

“I’m not coming,” Mari said, “In case that wasn’t clear.”

“Fine, we’ve got enough people anyway,” Tai said.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Ben asked again. Tai shook her head.

“Maybe not. But it’s the only one I’ve got.” The group going with her grew quiet, as if they were finally starting to realize the gravity of their situations.

“If anyone wants to stay, now’s the chance to say so. I won't hold it against you if you do,” Tai said. The girls looked around at each other, and for a moment, Shauna thought all of them would choose to remain in the cabin. Well, except Van, who wasn’t changing her mind any time soon. Surprisingly enough, they kept their stance, and the group left soon afterwards. 

“Ben?” came Jackie’s weak voice from her room, “What happened?”

“Natalie and Travis are still out there!” he called back, “Tai took a team to look.”

“Oh,” Jackie said, then a minute passed before she asked, “Did Shauna go?”

“No, Shauna’s here,” Ben replied. Shauna thought she imagined what happened next, because she heard the tiniest, quietest voice murmur,

“Good.” Good . She wondered if she thought Shauna was asleep. She wondered if she didn’t want Shauna to hear that. She probably didn’t, considering it was the most civil thing she’d said about her in weeks. Shauna debated saying something. She should say something, right? She rolled over, looking towards the door. As she wracked her brain thinking for an answer, Jackie began to cough again, and Shauna winced as they got worse.

“Oh my God! ” Mari groaned, “Someone get her to shut up!” Shauna looked at Lottie, who was resting against the bench, eyes closed. She had no idea if she was asleep or not, but she knew that she was gonna make no effort to help. 

Part of her wondered if Coach Ben would do something, but honestly, their coach was pretty out of it these days.

“Fuck this. I’m going to the death attic,” Mari said, grabbing some blankets.

“Mari, maybe you shouldn’t!” Ben called after her, but she was gone. Ben groaned.

“Great, another sick kid,” he said, turning over on his side. Shauna wasn’t too worried, though. As long as she stayed away from the draft-which she knew she would because only a dumbass would choose to sleep under there during the freezing winter-she’d be fine. Fucking Jackie… 

Like she heard her, Jackie started to cough again, and this time, they managed to get louder.

“Does anybody have any cough medicine?” Shauna asked. 

“Nationals were meant to be in May. No one gets a cough in May,” Ben said crossly.

“Maybe hot water will help,” Shauna suggested. You gave tea to people who had the flu, right? Hot water was basically the same.

“We don’t have any water,” Lottie replied. 

“Then I’ll go get some,” Shauna said, moving her blankets out of the way. The lake wasn’t that far. If Jackie was actually worried about her going out, she could rest easily knowing that Shauna would only be going to the lake.

“That wouldn’t be wise. The temperatures are dropping. I’ll go.” Shauna frowned.

“ You’ll go?” Lottie and Jackie weren’t friends . Why would she go out into the cold, by herself, to get some water?

“Better I than you. It’s best if you stay inside. For the baby’s sake.”

“Sure,” Shauna said. Lottie grabbed her jacket from the bench, and pulled it on.

“Mari should go with you,” Ben commented.

“I’ll move faster without her,” Lottie said. She grabbed the water bucket by the fireplace, and also picked up the axe.

“Scared?” Shauna asked.

“Nope,” Lottie said, casually swinging it over her shoulder, “Ice.” Right . Lottie left the cabin, and, with her blankets out of the way, Shauna shuddered from the cold. Had it gotten worse since Tai left? Luckily for them, Lottie shut the door before any of the wind could blow out the fire, and Shauna warmed herself up again with the blankets.

“Has she seemed…okay to you?” Ben asked her.

“Lottie?” Shauna asked, “I don’t know. She seemed calm.” That was something she couldn’t say for anybody else here.

“None of us should be calm,” Ben commented, “Especially now.” Shauna wasn’t sure if he meant the winter or the baby. She decided he meant both. Jackie began to cough again, and this time, Ben was putting his pillow over his ears. Some chaperone…

Shauna knew she couldn’t just leave her friend there, and she also knew Coach Ben was done for the night, so she moved the covers out of the way again, and made her way to the door. Jackie’s coughs were somewhat subsiding, but as Shauna got closer, she could hear her wheezing.

“Jackie?” she asked, “Jackie, can you hear me?” She got another cough in response, then she heard movement. She listened as Jackie’s footsteps got close, and she could tell she was sitting down by the door. 

“It’s quiet out there,” she said.

“Yeah, they all left to look for Travis and Nat. They’re not back yet.”

“Do you think they found any food?” Jackie asked.

“Don’t know,” Shauna said, “I was hoping that was why they’d been out for so long, but now I’m kinda worried they just got lost like…”

“Javi?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah.”

“Do you think he’s still alive?”

“Lottie seems to think so.”

“Does that make it fact? Is Lottie God now?”

“No.” But given how everyone was leeching onto her these days, people either seemed to think she was God, or a very good cult leader.

“I think he’s dead,” Jackie said. Her tone wasn’t mean or anything, it was just like she was stating a fact, “I barely survived a few hours. It’s been weeks.”

“I know,” Shauna mused, “Travis is holding on to hope though.”

“He shouldn’t be doing that. We’re all going to be dead soon anyway. He’s wasting energy that could be spent on the rest of you.”

“The rest of us?” What was that supposed to mean? Jackie coughed again.

“Listen to me, Shauna. Does it sound like I have much time left?”

“Lottie’s getting you some hot water. You’re going to be fine.”

“Boiling lake water won’t save me. Medicine could save me, not that we have any.”

“I thought Misty gave you Motrin.”

“Yay, my headache is gone. That’s nothing, though.” There was a pause as Jackie coughed again, then she continued with, “Even talking to you is getting hard.”

“Then stop. Go back to sleep.”

“I can’t , Shauna. I can barely sleep.” Shauna took a deep breath.

“You never should’ve come upstairs. You would be fine if you hadn’t.” Or, you would’ve been if you hadn’t slept under the draft .

“Yeah, I realize that,” Jackie said stiffly before coughing again.

“Why did you come up?” Shauna asked, “I thought it was too scary.”

“Whatever the fuck you guys were on during Doomcoming was scary. The attic is just an attic.” Okay, fair.

“Why did…why did you come up if I was there?” Shauna asked. The question had been bothering her since Jackie got sick. And if Jackie was right, and they were about to die, then she deserved an answer before they did.

“I told you. Lottie snores.”

“No she doesn’t.” Shauna had spent the last three nights with Lottie. She didn’t snore at all. It would’ve made a lot more sense if Jackie moved upstairs because of Crystal’s unbearable singing. 

“Well, I made you a promise. So I moved up.”

“Why couldn’t you just tell me that?”

“Because I…” Jackie’s body was wracked with coughs, and Shauna felt like she’d waited five years before Jackie finally spoke again. 

“Because I didn’t want you to think that we were friends again!” Jackie snapped, right before coughing again. Her voice sounded absolutely pathetic. So pathetic that Shauna almost didn’t catch her anger. But she could feel it. She could feel it being directed towards her.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I’m sorry.” The cabin got quiet. Soon the only sound was Coach Ben’s breathing as he slept, and Jackie’s wheezing. Shauna wasn’t sure what to do next. Did she go back to bed? It wasn’t like Jackie wanted to be around her. But was it rude if she didn’t stay? Jackie was sick after all. 

“Remember when you were eight and got chickenpox?” Jackie asked, which answered Shauna’s dilemma for her. She couldn’t leave if Jackie was talking to her.

“Yeah. I got it from Randy of all people,” Shauna said with an eye roll. 

“I remember you were out of school for days, and I was so sad. So I came over to your house one day-”

“And you laid in bed with me, holding me.” 

“And then I got the chickenpox,” Jackie said, and the two of them burst into laughter.

Shauna thought about that situation all the time. The rage on Mrs. Taylor’s face when she realized what happened. Her own mother trying her best to mediate the situation, but also having no idea why Jackie would be dumb enough to openly expose herself to perhaps one of the easily transmissible diseases on earth. 

But because of Jackie’s poor decision making, the worst two weeks of Shauna’s life became the best, since Jackie got to be with her. Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had both never had chickenpox before, so they couldn’t be exposed. Shauna’s mother got it as a baby, so she was all good. The next two weeks were spent with hot chocolate, lots of movies, and a sleepover every night. Shauna had been so happy, that when the day came when they both got better, she actually cried. 

Jackie’s laughs got cut off by more coughing, and Shauna stopped herself, wondering why Jackie brought up that story. 

“God, why did you hold me like that?”

“Because,” Jackie said after a second, “That’s what I would like to be done to me when I’m not feeling well.” Oh.

“I’d give anything for your mom’s hot chocolate right now,” Jackie added. 

“Me too,” Shauna said. She’d give anything to see her mom again, period. She always knew what to tell her when she and Jackie got into a fight. And she could really use that advice right now.

“I’m really sick, aren’t I?” Jackie asked.

“You really are,” Shauna concurred. 

“If I die before I can keep my promise to you, will you name the baby Jackie?”

“Are you-”

“Come on, you kind of owe me.”

“Jackie!”

“What? I deserve something out of this situation, don’t I?”

“Not this!”

“Why not?”

“Because why would you want my baby with Jeff to be named after you?”

“Because I’ll be dead , duh!” Jackie said, “It won’t bother me when I’m gone.”

“Jesus Christ, Jackie.”

“So, will you do it?”

“No!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not naming the baby anything!” she snapped, right when the door to the cabin swung open, and Lottie came in with the water bucket. She placed the axe to the side, and whistled as she walked to the fire, pouring the water into the pot. She warmed her hands up by the fire, then started loosening her scarves.

“Is that Tai?” Jackie asked.

“Lottie,” Shauna responded, “She brought you hot water.”

“Oh.” Shauna watched Lottie boil the water, and they waited in a stony silence while the water warmed up enough for Lottie to pour it in a mug and give it to Jackie.

“That’s not actually boiling hot, is it?” Jackie asked as Lottie opened the door an inch to hand it to her. 

“Of course not,” Lottie said, “Drink up. You’ll be better soon.” Shauna watched Jackie’s hand poke out to take the water, then the door was closed again. 

“Did you hear anything from the others?” Shauna asked Lottie.

“No, but I’m not worried. They shouldn’t be much longer,” Lottie said, her voice full of certainty. Shauna had no idea how Lottie could be so positive, but she supposed it was better than Mari’s complaining, or Jackie saying she’d be dead soon. Lottie went back to her spot by the bench, and Shauna leaned against the door.

“Is it helping?” she asked Jackie. 

“A little. I’m pretending it’s hot chocolate.” Shauna smiled. 

“With marshmallows?”

“All the marshmallows.” Shauna closed her eyes, picturing herself in her bed with Jackie, red dots all over their body, with their mugs full of hot chocolate. There was no Jeff when they were eight. He was just the annoying boy from their class who ate glue and made stupid jokes. Life was better when they were 8. It was simpler. 

“Your mom added the extra chocolate sauce with the powder.” Shauna gasped.

“Oh? I thought she only did that for special occasions.”

“Well, I’m dying. Doesn’t that count as kinda special?” Shauna’s eyes opened, and she was brought back to the present. There was no hot chocolate, no blankets, and she was freezing. Jackie’s wheezing echoed through her ears, and she could feel her getting weaker. 

“It’s not special. It’s terrible,” she said.

“I don’t want to die,” Jackie said, “Now that we're still here...I don't know. I want to be rescued and go to college. No hate to Laura Lee at all, but I didn’t want to die out here. It doesn’t feel right.”

“You’re not gonna die out here.” At least not now . Eventually they would run out of bear, but until then, Shauna liked to think that they’d all survive. 

“She’s right,” Lottie said from the bench, and Shauna was sure she heard the cup shake in Jackie’s hands.

“Jesus Christ , Lot,” Shauna said. 

“Jackie isn’t going to die here. The wilderness hears us. Soon our luck will begin to change.” Shauna had to stop herself from rolling her eyes.

“Thank you, Lottie. That’s very hopeful,” she said.

“It’s not hope. It’s the truth.” Okay, Lottie . Whatever helped her sleep at night. Shauna pulled her knees in, and rested against Jackie’s door.

“The water is kinda helping,” she admitted.

“That’s good,” Shauna murmured.

“Shauna, if the wilderness hears us, then why hasn’t someone come to rescue us?” Shauna had never heard Jackie sound so hopeless before. It was honestly kind of scary.

“I don’t know,” she said. She looked over at Lottie, hoping the girl would have something to say. Because for the first time ever, she needed her to. But Lottie remained quiet, playing with a strand of her hair as she watched the fire.

“If the Gods in the wilderness are real, I sure wish they would give us a sign,” Jackie said.

“They’re not Gods,” Lottie replied promptly. How did she always have an answer when Shauna didn’t want her to speak?

“Then what are they?” Shauna asked Lottie.

“The wilderness isn’t a thing , it’s a feeling. It calls to us when we need it.”

“Oh wilderness, please give me medicine,” Jackie drawled from the bedroom, and Shauna laughed. Lottie looked less amused. 

“We don't just call the wilderness,” she clarified, "It needs to make a connection with us first." 

“How does it call us?” Jackie asked, and Shauna could tell that she was actually being genuine.

“Close your eyes,” Lottie said. Neither of them could see Jackie, so she asked, “Are they closed?”

“They are glued shut.”

“Good.” Lottie closed her eyes too, and Shauna wasn’t sure if she imagined it, or it was just because it was fucking cold outside, but she felt a chill.

“Tell me what you hear.”

“Coach Ben snoring,” Jackie affirmed, and Shauna snorted. Lottie opened one eye in annoyance, and Shauna stopped. Lottie closed her eye again. 

“Listen closely , Jackie. Focus on the trees, the wind. What do you hear?” It went quiet, and Shauna could picture Jackie in there, focusing hard like she did on their trig tests, her fingers curled around her cup instead of her pencil, and her lips pursed as she tried to find the secant of theta, which, in this case, was the whole damn world. 

“I…I hear the wind. It’s loud.” Shauna was sure Jackie was making things up, but Lottie didn’t seem discouraged.

“Keep going,” she said.

“I can hear our team,” Jackie said. Okay, that was straight bullshit! Shauna wondered if Lottie would call Jackie out for making a joke out of this, but Lottie actually looked pleased.

“Yes,” she said, “What can you hear?”

“They’re coming back. But something is different. I can’t tell what it is, but it’s there.”

“Listen closer. Is it good or bad?”

“It’s…good. Something good happened.”

“Jackie, stop messing with her,” Shauna whispered.

“I’m not!” Jackie exclaimed, which made her cough.

“It’s okay,” Lottie said while Jackie continued to hack away. She opened her eyes, “I think she understands now.”

“Understands what?” Shauna asked, right when the door opened, and Van came in, her breaths ragged from the cold. Fuck the wilderness, that didn’t look good at all!

“Van, what happened?” Shauna asked. Lottie got up from the bench, and placed a comforting arm around Van, who started to warm up under Lottie’s jacket. As she got warmer, and her breaths became more clear, Shauna could see her, and she saw that she was smiling .

“What is it, Van?” Lottie asked.

“Javi,” Van said, her grin getting bigger, “Taissa found Javi!” Shauna’s jaw dropped, and Jackie stopped coughing.

“What?!” the girl asked. Her voice was still extremely stuffy, but Shauna could hear her shock.

“They’re bringing him in right now. I just needed some blankets,” Van said as the door opened and Travis came in with his brother holding on tightly. Lottie went to get some blankets, and they wrapped him up, taking him to the fire.

“Is Javi actually there?” Jackie asked.

“Yeah, he’s there,” Shauna said. Coach Ben was awoken by the noise, and Mari came down the ladder, gasping when she saw Javi. The rest of the girls came in, led by Tai. Misty was in the rear, and Shauna could see that she and Crystal were holding some plants. Akilah noticed Shauna looking, and she smiled at her when she explained,

“We found some ginger deep in the woods. It’s great for coughs. Plus, we can all eat it too!” Oh my God…

“You heard that too, right?” Jackie asked.

“Yep, I did,” Shauna said. Was this really all happening because Jackie talked to some trees? Lottie came over to her, and Shauna could tell that she was absolutely elated. 

“See, the wilderness hears us,” she said. How could Shauna even argue with her about this now? Lottie crouched down, placing a hand on Shauna’s belly. She instantly recoiled.

“What are you doing?” she asked. 

“It’s okay,” Lottie promised, “We hear the wilderness and it hears us.” She placed a hand out again, and looked like she was asking Shauna to come forward. If that ginger actually cured Jackie, that meant the wilderness was on their side, right? So she guessed she could entertain it for one night. She cautiously came forward, and let Lottie place her hand down.

“The wilderness is excited to meet our new addition.” Good Lord. “When he comes, we’ll be rewarded.” Shauna frowned.

“He?” she asked. Since when was Lottie’s touch a gender reveal ultrasound?

“He,” Lottie said with a firm nod. She stood up from the ground, and went to join the others. When she was far enough away, Shauna leaned into the door.

“How did you do that?” she asked, “How did you hear?”

“I don’t know,” Jackie said after a second, “I just made it up.”

Nat

The ginger leaves Misty found were enough to keep them fed for a good while. Plus, they helped cure Jackie’s cold. She was out of quarantine now, and back with everyone else, so that gave them one less problem to worry about. But alas, the ginger wasn’t unlimited, and their stocks were growing scarce. And with Javi here now, there was one more mouth to feed.

Don’t get her wrong, she was glad to have him back. But it had been a month since they found him, and they were running out of food. She had no choice but to go out hunting again, and Travis was never up to going with her since he didn’t want to leave Javi’s side. 

“We should do something special for the baby,” Lottie said during breakfast that morning. Shauna, who didn’t even seem to realize Lottie was talking to her since she was focused on her ginger soup, needed to be prodded on the shoulder by Tai.

“Sorry, what?” Shauna asked. 

“Taissa brought our lost friend back to us, and Jackie’s connection has blessed us with food,” Lottie said, “We’ve all survived longer than we intended. I think we should celebrate that and the baby.”

“ By doing what?” Nat asked, the same time Akilah went,

“Like, a baby shower?” Baby shower? How did you have a baby shower in the middle of the woods? The rest of the team didn’t seem to share her sentiments, because they all went from 0 to 100 at Akilah’s suggestion.

“We can make gifts!” Misty exclaimed. 

“And put up decorations!” Crystal added. The whole room erupted into excitement with the exception of Shauna-who the party was for-Jackie, and herself. Their impending food crisis was enough to put Nat in a mood, and she guessed Jackie didn’t want to celebrate her boyfriend’s love child. 

“We’ll plan during our meeting,” Lottie said, “Jackie, will you be joining us?” Lottie had been trying to get Jackie to come to a meeting ever since Misty deemed she was healthy enough to go outside, but their former captain always found an excuse. In fact, she looked like she was making one right now. 

“I’m actually working on some…things,” she said. That had to be the lamest excuse Nat had ever heard in her life. And she once told their trig teacher that she didn’t turn in her homework because she was busy planting her corn farm. 

“Come on,” Lottie said in that creepily encouraging voice, “A lot of us would like to hear from you.” Nat wondered if she should jump in and save her. But it was kind of funny seeing her falter like this. Jackie rarely faltered.

“I guess for one day,” Jackie said, “but that’s all.”

“Perfect,” Lottie said, “I hope we can encourage you to come more often.” Jackie gave Lottie perhaps the fakest smile ever, and once her back was turned, Jackie rolled her eyes. Lottie’s group was heading out for their meeting now, so Nat decided it was the best time to go hunting.

“Have you seen Travis?” she asked Shauna.

“I think he’s in his room with Javi,” she said.

“Thanks.” She went into the boys room, and saw Travis and Javi sitting on the bed, drinking their ginger soup. 

“Hey Natalie,” he said, but he wasn’t really focused on her. His eyes were trained on Javi, who looked pretty empty as he swirled his food around.

“Lottie and them are heading out, so I thought we could hunt.”

“I think I was actually gonna go with her, and take Javi,” he said. Really? Travis usually went to Lottie’s meetings, but he hadn’t gone to one since Javi came back. 

“Oh. When should we hunt, then?”

“Maybe when I get back,” he suggested, “I should head out, though. I don’t want to miss them.” 

“Why does Lottie have meetings?” Javi asked, nearly making Nat jump.

“You’ll see,” was all Travis said. The two brothers left the room, and Nat was just left feeling utterly lost.

Jackie

Lottie’s prayer circle kind of reminded her of the stoners at school. Except, instead of doing weed-which was probably more fun than this-they had to hold hands and bless the wilderness for what it provided.

“We thank you for your offerings that are getting us through the winter,” Lottie said. Jackie opened one eye and looked around the circle. Everybody else seemed fully involved in whatever Lottie was talking about, even Travis, who was the last person Jackie ever expected to be spiritual. 

“Thank you,” Mari said. Mari was the type to make a joke out of most things, so Jackie was pretty shocked when she saw how seriously she took this. Everyone else gave their thanks too, even Taissa, and soon it was just her.

“Uh, thanks?” she asked more than said. Lottie didn’t seem to mind, though. Everybody opened their eyes, and Lottie smiled.

“I’m glad to have so many of you here. It’s a joyous day.” Everybody nodded in agreement. Jackie didn’t feel too joyous since she wished she’d stayed home, but she was alive, and she wasn’t sick, so that was something to celebrate, right?

“I know I usually lead the discussion, but today I think Jackie and Taissa should,” Lottie prompted. Oh hell no . Jackie felt relief when she looked over at Tai and saw that she looked as horrified at the idea as Jackie was. But she had Van encouraging her, which was enough to get her to speak.

“Um, yeah. I’ve been having some…troubles recently. I wake up in the middle of the night, and I’ve been a little worried about falling asleep. So, I suggested finding Nat and Travis because I needed to stay awake.” Well damn. One thing that was always consistent about Taissa Turner was that she was on top of her game. She was no nonsense, and she never let anyone see her down. Jackie never expected her to get so…vulnerable.

“And when I was out there, I could sense…something. At first I thought I was just sleep deprived, but Van convinced me to follow my gut. Then I found Javi.” The group looked at the younger Martinez brother, who remained quiet, even with all the attention on him. 

“It works, Lottie,” Van said, “It really worked.”

“It’s not about working,” Lottie said as if she were a fifty something wellness guru, “It’s about feeling . Taissa, what did you feel that night?”

“I can’t explain it. I just knew I had to follow it.”

“That’s good,” Lottie said, “It’s very good.” Jackie thought her answer was kind of a copout, but at least that meant she could come up with some bullshit, and it would suffice.

“Jackie heard you that night. Could you explain it?” Lottie asked her. Okay, there were two things Jackie felt one needed to know. For starters, she had heard something . Maybe it was the reminiscing with Shauna, or how the hot water was soothing her throat, but when Lottie had asked her to sit and listen to the trees, she’d felt something good. She didn’t think that actually had to do with the wilderness gods or whatever, so that was the second thing. She thought Lottie’s whole thing was kind of fake. She wasn’t sure if Lottie herself even believed it. 

“I just…did what you asked,” she said, “Like Tai said, I can’t really explain it.”

“Can you try?” Lottie asked. Fuck! Tai didn’t need to try! Okay, how did she do this?

“Um…when you said to listen, I did. And it just came to me.”

“How so? Don’t worry about getting personal. This is a safe space.” Personal? Why did Lottie want her to get personal ?

“I…I don’t know. It just kind of happened.”

“But something must have prompted it, right?” Misty asked.

“Sure. Lottie asked me to listen to things, and that helped.”

“But what did you feel when you listened?” Lottie asked.

“I told you. I could hear our team, and I felt like something good was going to happen. And it did,” she said, gesturing to Javi.

“What was the good feeling?” Crystal asked. Shauna . Shauna was the good feeling. Being young with Shauna, having a best friend. But Jackie didn’t want to tell everybody this. Especially because she and Shauna were technically still in a fight. She didn’t care about how much of a safe space this claimed to be, her pride still came first.

“I don’t know,” she said.

“You don’t know or you just made it up?” Mari asked accusingly. Okay, there was the Mari she knew.

“Let’s relax,” Lottie said, putting a hand up. That immediately got Mari to shut up. Jackie remembered a time when she used to have that effect. That time seemed long behind them now. 

“Jackie, we don’t ask to interrogate you, we ask to understand,” she explained.

“Well, I feel kind of interrogated,” she said.

“Don’t be,” Lottie said kindly, “Just tell the truth, that’s the best way we can help Shauna and the baby.” Jackie stiffened.

“What’s Shauna got to do with any of this?” she asked.

“With the new addition comes new responsibilities. When our baby gets here-”

“I’m sorry, our baby?” Jackie asked. Lottie nodded, as if it were obvious, “He’s-he’s Shauna’s baby, Lot.”

“The new life is a gift for us all. One we can all share.” Yeah, if this wasn’t a cult before, it definitely was now.

“You know what, I think I’m going to go to the cabin,” she said, getting up from her stump.

“Did I upset you?” Lottie asked. Yes? Jackie couldn’t really describe how Lottie’s words were making her feel, but she knew she needed to go.

“Lot, maybe you should back off a bit,” Taissa whispered to her.

“You guys have your meeting,” Jackie said, “I’m going back.”

“ But Jackie, I really think-” Lottie began, and earlier, she would have entertained her, but she was slowly reaching her wit’s end.

“I made it up, Lottie!” she exclaimed, “Is that what you wanted to hear?” There were a few gasps at her confession, except Mari, who looked kind of smug, Tai who looked almost relieved, and Van who seemed disappointed. Lottie stood up from her seat, and Jackie was ready to get kicked out personally by the queen herself, but instead, Lottie took her hands.

“I think that you think you made it up,” she said, “but I know what you felt was real.” How could she know that? There was no humanly possible way for her to know that! Jackie quickly dropped her hands.

“I need to go,” she said. 

“Okay,” Lottie said, “We’ll be waiting if you choose to return.” Yeah, no fucking way . 

Misty

The first time she went to a baby shower was when she was eight years old. It was her mother’s friend's shower, and usually her mother didn’t like to take Misty with her on outings, but Dad was working, and there was no available babysitter, so Misty went with her.

They did a lot of weird activities there. Measuring the mom’s stomach, “don’t drop the egg baby!” and, Misty’s least favorite, give the mom advice! Misty had been eight. What advice could she give? So she’d written the only thing she could think of: Don’t let the baby die . It was good advice! No one wanted a dead baby. 

Mom’s friend hadn’t seemed to think so. She and her mom were asked to leave because Misty had apparently ruined the mood . Misty resented that accusation. In fact, Misty truly believed that Shauna could actually benefit from it. They were stuck in the woods, her baby needed all the luck he could get.

And yes, Misty was aware that she had a part to play in Shauna’s sad predicament, but, if you really thought about it, being pregnant in the woods at eighteen was better than being pregnant in the real world at eighteen. People talked. Misty did Shauna a favor. Being in the wilderness gave her perfect anonymity. At the end of the day, that was what mattered, right?

“You should sing a song,” Crystal suggested. They were running through a list of possible shower gifts, and Crystal seemed dead set on a performance, which Misty could agree to. But she wasn’t too sure about a song.

“I was actually thinking we could do a performance instead. Have you seen Steel Magnolias ?” A giant grin spread across Crystal’s face.

“Oh. It’s only one of my favorites!”

Nat

Nat didn’t want to be at the baby shower, but Lottie believed Shauna deserved all the social support she could get. Nat knew she was scared enough about the baby, so she stayed, but sat in the back with Jackie, who was playing with her flower crown. Mari and Akilah had made one for everybody, but Nat was pretty sure Shauna was only wearing hers to be nice. Nat refused to wear hers, so it was just on the ground by her feet.

Tai had given the first gift, which was a small crib for the baby. Van made the baby a makeshift mobile out of some sticks and leaves from outside, and Javi had drawn some pictures for the “nursery.” The nursery was going to be the boy’s old room. Once the baby was born, Travis and Javi were going to move into the attic while Ben slept outside with them. They were already getting to work on fixing the draft that made Jackie sick.

It was scary sometimes when Nat thought about it. They were really just adapting to life out there. On one end it was comforting. They had a nice cabin, they were safe from the winter, and they’d gotten food from the ginger leaves. But on the other end, there was a sense of hopelessness. It was like there was this unspoken thought between all of them. That they were never going to be rescued, and this was their life now. 

And now, there life was going to include a baby. A baby that needed nutrition and warmth that the wilderness just could not give it at this rate. They needed more food, and they needed it fast.

“I think I’m gonna go,” Nat whispered to Jackie as Misty got up to give her present.

“And do what?” Jackie asked.

“Hunt,” she said, “This baby is going to need food, right?”

“You don’t want to watch the Magnificent Misty Quigley?” Nat would rather drown in the lake.

“Goodbye, Jackie,” she said.

“Wait,” her old captain whispered, “Let me come with you.”

“You?” Nat asked, “You can’t hunt!”

“I rebuke that,” Jackie said, “Just because I wasn't great with the gun, doesn’t mean I can’t at least look for food.” Nat groaned.

“Fine, just don’t get in the way.”

“You’re the boss,” Jackie said in an overly cheeky tone. Nat rolled her eyes, and she stood up from the ground as Misty launched into an overly dramatic monologue.

“Where are you guys going?” Akilah asked.

“To look for food, we’ll try to be back soon,” Nat said, and Akilah nodded.

“Stay safe out there,” she whispered. Nat grabbed the gun from next to the door, and swung it over her shoulder while Jackie tied her hair up. Jackie and Shauna made eye contact, and Nat could tell that Shauna was a little hurt over Jackie leaving. Jackie quickly turned away, and asked her if she was ready to go.

“Mmhmm,” Nat said. She pushed open the door to the cabin, and Jackie was following her until Misty started crying out,

“I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m fine!” 

“Jack-Jackie!” Nat snapped, dragging her out by her shoulder, and into the cold. 

Jackie

She kind of regretted not staying at the shower. The cabin didn’t have central heating, but it was a lot warmer than the outdoors. There was a new cold front this morning, and it was strong enough to nearly knock her off her feet more than once. 

“Why did you come out here with me?” Nat asked, “Why not stay with Shauna?”

“I don’t want to be at a party celebrating my boyfriend’s love child,” Jackie said.

“Alright, fair,” Nat said, “but I don’t know, I guess I just thought…” she trailed off, and Jackie frowned.

“Thought what?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter,” she said. They got quiet, and soon the only sound was the snow crunching under their feet.

“Hey, how was Lottie’s prayer circle?” Nat asked as a way to ease the tension, “Did you like, find your inner wilderness or whatever?”

“Totally. I am fully one with the trees,” Jackie said sarcastically, then added, “No, it was actually kind of a waste of time. I don’t think I’ll be invited back.”

“What happened?”

“Lottie got all weird and kept asking weird questions. It’s like she thinks my “connection” to the wilderness is gonna save Shauna’s baby or some shit.”

“She said that?”

“Maybe not in those words, but that was the idea I was getting. Then she started calling the baby all of ours and I got kinda freaked out, so I left.”

“Okay, you’re right, it’s a kinda weird thing to say. But on the other hand, he is a little bit like all of ours, right? I mean, Shauna won’t be able to do this alone, we’ll all have to help out.”

“Sure I guess,” Jackie said, “but he’s still not our baby.”

“Right,” Nat said, “I wouldn’t let Lottie bother you too much. I think she’s just trying to do her best to help.”

“I thought you hated Lottie’s cult.”

“Oh believe me, I do. But if it gives some of us some piece of mind, I don’t wanna be the one to take that away.”

“Fair.” Their lives were shitty enough, why worsen them with unnecessary drama? Jackie still wasn’t going to be going back, though.

“We’ve been walking a while,” Jackie commented, “How far do you usually go?”

“I have a few markers. I try to go further each time. But the mountains get pretty rocky the more I go. The terrain gets a bit too dangerous for me to walk on, and I’m worried that that’s where all the animals are hiding.”

“Makes sense. We must scare them, right? They’d want to stay as far away as possible.”

“I guess. Fucking unfortunate, though.”

“Indeed.” They trekked through the trees, and Jackie was starting to lose hope. She felt like they’d been walking for hours. Was there really no food anywhere?

“How do you keep doing this? How do you keep going out when there’s nothing ?”

“I don’t know. It makes me feel useful, I guess? Plus, who knows? Maybe I’ll find something.”

“ Maybe.” They kept walking, and Jackie was soon unable to recognize where they were. She couldn’t believe that Nat came this far every day. Jackie was in pretty good shape. She did play soccer, after all. But they were stranded! There was no more conditioning, no more training, basically no reason for her to continue to have this level of endurance!

“Nat, can we take a break?” she asked, nearly out of breath.

“This is why I didn’t expect you to come with me,” Nat said, but she stopped, taking a seat on a stump.

“Sorry I wasn’t keeping up with my lunges,” Jackie said. Nat took the only stump, so Jackie just sat in the snow. It was freezing, but it felt nice on her sore legs.

“So what’s been going on with you?” Nat asked her, “I feel like I haven’t seen you much since you got better.”

“I’ve kept to myself,” she admitted, “I thought we’d all be dead within days after Doomcoming, but we aren’t. And now, Shauna having the baby has gotten so much more real. And it’s been a lot.”

“It must be hard. Knowing what caused this.” Jackie raised an eyebrow at Nat.

“You don’t have to be so nice to me,” she said, “I know you aren’t thrilled about me and Travis. You can say so if you want.” Nat scoffed.

“We are trapped in the middle of the wilderness with basically no hope of rescue in sight. Do you really think I care who you sleep with?”

“I cared with Shauna.”

“You cared with Shauna because he was your boyfriend of some many years. Travis and I…it’s fine, we’re fine.”

“It had nothing to do with you,” she clarified, “Travis and I aren’t a thing. I wasn’t trying to steal him from you or anything,” Nat laughed.

“I know, Jackie,” she said, “Can I be honest with you?”

“Sure.”

“I never cared that you slept with Travis. I never needed to worry about you and Travis because you’re very clearly not into him. I mean, let’s be real. Everything you did was about Shauna. I never had to worry about you having some drama with me.” Jackie scoffed.

“Excuse you! Not everything I do has to do with Shauna.”

“I’m not saying that. But that night it was. The entire time you danced with him you were looking at Shauna, trying to get a reaction.”

“I was not !”

“You were . Jackie, come on. You fucked him in her bed.” 

“That was for privacy! And I changed the blankets while everybody was passed out on mushrooms!”

“I did not need to know that.”

“It wasn’t all about Shauna,” she said.

“You keep telling yourself that. Come on, let’s keep moving.” Nat got up from her stump, and held a hand out for Jackie. Jackie swatted it away. She could get up just fine on her own. 

Okay, so she struggled a bit. But she didn’t fall! She managed to get to her feet, and follow Nat. But she couldn’t let the conversation go.

“Yes, I was mad at Shauna. But I also thought we were going to die. So sleeping with Travis was more for me.”

“If you say so…”

“I do say so! Why are you making it sound like I’m obsessed with Shauna? What, are you saying I’m in love with her or something?”

“No,” Nat said, “ You’re saying that.”

“Well I’m not .”

“Okay,” Nat said calmly.

“Because if I were , that would be weird. Shauna and I were just friends. You can love someone without being in love.”

“Great. Jackie, we should really-”

“So what if I like Shauna more than Jeff? You’re supposed to like your friends more than your partner. That’s just like, a fact of life!”

“Jack-”

“And so what if I was more upset about Shauna being with somebody else than Jeff cheating on me? In the scope of things, it makes perfect sense. I’ve known Shauna-like known her-for almost my entire life. I deserve the right to get mad at her for betraying me.”

“I know , Jackie.”

“So when you put it all together, there’s nothing about my behavior that can’t be explained by basic facts. Therefore, I am not in love with-”

“Jackie! I don’t give a shit !” Nat snapped, “ You’re the one who's making a big deal about it.”

“No I’m not! I’m just saying-”

“No, you’re trying to justify your feelings to somebody so they can confirm that they make sense because you know they don’t !”

“You really think I’m not making sense?” Nat sighed.

“I…I think that you love Shauna. Maybe just as a friend. But I also know if the love didn’t go deeper than that, then you wouldn’t be trying your best to justify how you felt to me , someone who, before all of this bullshit, barely knew you. You want an outsider perspective because I won’t let my emotions get the better of me and just blindly agree with whatever you’re saying. This is why I believe you even came out here with me in the first place, because, let’s face it, you’re not a natural hunter, and you’re slowing me down more than helping.”

Jackie had no clue how to respond to that.

“Am I getting warmer, or making shit up?”

“Definitely making shit up.” Nat rolled her eyes, “But…in the small chance that you weren’t , what would you do if you were me? How would you stop feeling this way?”

“First I would ask myself if I wanted to.”

“Of course I want to,” she said, “I can’t be in love with her, Nat.”

“Why not? We’re trapped in the middle of the woods, no one cares who you’re with.”

“It’s not that. Well, it’s partially that, but…Shauna and I have always been one thing. And I thought that thing worked, but it didn’t. If I told her the truth now, she would just reject me.”

“I can’t answer for Shauna,” Nat said, “but you two have been through a lot. I think that if you were to tell her about this, it wouldn’t go as badly as you think.”

“You weren’t there,” Jackie argued, “You didn’t hear what she said to me.”

“People fight, Jackie. If she meant it, she wouldn’t have been such a wreck when she thought you were dead. I mean, it was kind of embarrassing.”

“Yeah, I can’t believe she cried,” Jackie said with a small laugh.

“I’m not saying you should go and profess your love or anything, but don’t ignore how you feel. It won’t do you any good.”

“Thanks, Nat,” she said, “You know, maybe if things had been different, we could’ve been friends.” Nat scoffed.

“Oh please. I’m way out of your league.”

“Yeah, right,” Jackie said with an eye roll. Nat just grinned. 

“You’re not half bad, Taylor. Maybe if we find something, you can skin it.” Jackie shuddered at the thought, and Nat started to laugh.

“Relax, we’re not gonna find anything,” she said, “This is around the time I turn back. Unless you want to go into the mountains.”

“Do you really think we’ll find something if we do?”

“Maybe. But are you willing to take that risk?”

“It’ll get food for Shauna, right?” Nat raised an eyebrow at her, “I mean, she needs it. For the baby.”

“Mmhmm. If you’re up for it, then I am. But there is the risk that we won’t come back. This is uncharted territory. I don’t know what we’ll find up there.”

“Whatever it is, it’s more than here.” She could tell Nat was nervous, and that made her nervous, too. But Shauna needed the food. They all did.

“Okay,” she said, “Let’s-” She was cut off when the ground rocked under them, then suddenly, almost like it came out of fucking nowhere, the biggest moose-no, biggest animal Jackie had ever seen, barreled towards them.

“Nat, look out!” Jackie exclaimed, pushing both of them out of the way. The moose ran off towards the lake, and Jackie pushed herself up.

“What the hell was that?” Jackie asked, struggling to catch her breath. Nat used the gun to stand back up, and an almost euphoric look crossed her face.

“That’s dinner for the next year . Come on!” Nat dashed off, and Jackie quickly trailed after her, trying not to fall in the slippery snow. The first time she went with Nat, they found food. It was a crazy thought, but maybe Lottie was right. Maybe the wilderness did hear her.

Shauna

Misty’s grand performance had marked the end of her shower. There wasn’t much that could follow that, so the party had fizzled out, and everyone was back to doing their own things. She was resting now. She wasn’t sure if she was just wiped out from the party, or it was just one of those days, but she was in pain. She wasn’t sure if the baby was just kicking again, or she was getting sick. Her stomach hurt, her back hurt, and even her thighs hurt.

“You okay?” Taissa asked. 

“Yeah, I’m just in a little bit of pain,” she admitted.

“Here, maybe you just need to sit up.” Tai crouched down next to her, and helped her move from laying down to sitting. But when her body moved, she felt a spasm, and she gasped in pain.

“What happened?” Tai asked.

“Something’s wrong,” she said, “Something doesn’t feel-ah!” 

“Oh god. Misty!” Tai called. Their equipment manager ran over to them, pushing her glasses up her face.

“What’s happening?” she asked.

“Shauna’s in pain,” Tai said.

“It feels weird,” she said, “Everything hurts.” It was like her period but ten times worse. Misty came down, and she started feeling around. 

“Does this hurt?” she asked, pressing on her hips.

“Yes, ow!” Shauna snapped.

“What the hell, Misty?” Tai asked.

“Tender pelvis,” she muttered, completely ignoring Taissa, “Shauna, how often does the pain come?”

“It’s uh…it’s kinda hurt all day,” she admitted, “but now it’s happening more and more.”

“Oh no,” Misty said.

“What? What oh no?” Shauna asked.

“Shauna, don’t freak out, but I think the baby is coming,” Misty said. Fucking hell…

“No, he’s not coming now. It’s too early.” She knew they didn’t have clocks or calendars here, but she had a basic idea, and she’d only counted eight months!

“This is happening,” Misty said, “It’s the only thing that explains your symptoms.”

“No no no,” she said, “I can’t, I can’t do this NOW !” She fell forward from pain, and Tai had to hold her. 

“Misty, are you sure?” Tai asked. 

“I’d have to look to be sure, but I’m pretty confident,” she said, pushing her glasses back up. 

“Then look!” Shauna shouted at her. If there was a time for modesty, now wasn’t it. Akilah got her a blanket from the ground, and they draped it over her while Tai helped her out of her jacket and her flannels. She didn’t realize how much she’d been sweating until the jacket was off, and she felt a rush of welcome cold air.

“Don’t worry, Shauna,” Tai said comfortingly, “It could just be false labor.”

“He’s not ready,” Shauna said, “He can’t come today, he’s not ready.”

“I know, I know,” she said, brushing some hair behind her ears.

“Well, is there a baby?” Mari asked, as tactless as ever. 

“There’s no baby,” Tai said at the same time Misty exclaimed, 

“The baby is coming!” 

“What?!” Shauna asked. Misty poked her head out from the blanket.

“You’re four centimeters dilated!” she exclaimed. Van came over with a wet rag, and used it to dab her forehead.

“I can’t do this now,” she said. It was getting hard to breathe, and the giant crowd of people forming around her wasn’t helping.

“What’s going on?” Lottie asked as she joined them, crouching down on the opposite side of Tai and Van.

“Baby’s coming,” Misty said from under the blanket.

“Where’s Jackie?” Shauna asked, “Jackie promised she’d be here.”

“She’s still out with Nat,” Akilah said.

“Should one of us go get her?” Crystal asked.

“I’m not going out there,” Melissa said grumpily.

“ There’s no need,” Lottie said, “Shauna, this is a beautiful thing you’re doing. You don’t need to be scared of doing it without Jackie.”

“Jackie promised she’d be here,” she repeated, “I need her here !”

“It’s okay,” Lottie said, placing a hand on her arm, “Shauna, we’re all here. You’re gonna be-”

“I want Jackie !” she exclaimed, pushing Lottie’s hand off of her with so much force that it collided with her nose, knocking her down. If she wasn’t in so much pain, she might’ve felt bad. Might’ve. Lottie-whose nose was bleeding profusely-sat up, and pinched her nose.

“I’ll get Jackie,” she said, “Travis, where do you and Nat usually go?”

“Towards the mountains, but usually we’ll come back to the lake.”

“We’re going to need more water, too” Van added.

“Do you hear that?” Mari asked. Shauna had no idea what she was on about. 

“I’ll start there first,” Lottie said, “Stay strong, Shauna.” Lottie went to get an extra jacket, and Mari asked again.

“I’m so serious. Do you guys hear that?”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Mari?” Gen asked. 

“ Listen !” Mari insisted, and Gen groaned. 

“Wait wait,” Akilah said, “I hear something too.” Shauna cried out again as the pain returned. 

“It’s happening more!” she told Misty.

“This is a good thing,” she said, “That means you’re getting closer to expulsion.”

“Jesus Christ,” Shauna said.

“You guys?” Van asked, “I think I hear something, too.” Shauna couldn’t hear anything. Maybe it was the pain, but it was hard for her to zero in on anything that wasn’t directly happening to her. Van gave the rag to Tai, and she got up, opening the door. Shauna started to shiver from the frosty air, and Tai asked,

“Van, what is it?”

“I hear it,” she said, “It’s faint, but I do.” Mari and Akilah went to join her, and Shauna tried to strain to see, but any movement made everything hurt twice as much. 

“Stay still,” Tai said, taking her hands. Lottie was standing hauntingly still, watching the others hover at the porch. Tai snapped her fingers at her.

“Hey! Earth to Lottie!” she said, making the girl jump, “Aren’t you going to the lake?”

“Something’s…there,” she said. Shauna gasped as another contraction hit, and under the blanket, Misty called,

“Five centimeters!”

“Oh my God,” she heard Van say.

“What?” Shauna asked, “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Tai said, “Stay here.”

“Where am I gonna go?” Shauna asked miserably, leaning against the stack of pillows.

Jackie

They chased the moose all the way towards the lake, screeching to a halt when they got to the water, and the moose galloped across the ice before eventually falling into the ice. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go get it. You stay here with the gun,” Nat said.

“Are you crazy? We can’t get that by ourselves,” Jackie said, wrapping her jacket tighter around her. She knew running was supposed to warm you up, but she was convinced the temperature had dropped about twenty degrees.

“If we leave and get help, by the time we get back it’ll be too late. I’m going.”

“No, Nat wait!” Jackie called, and Nat stopped, “I’ll go. You stay with the gun, and once I get the moose high enough, you shoot.”

“You think you can handle it?” Nat asked. 

“Excuse you. I do the same conditioning you do.” Nat shook her head.

“Fine, but you better not die. I’m not dealing with Shauna’s wrath if you do.”

“Alright alright,” Jackie said, “Give me the rope.” Nat handed her the giant piece, and tied it into a knot that Jackie would need to throw around the moose’s neck.

“Once you get it, I’ll pull the trigger. Walk slowly. If the moose could break the ice, then we can, too.”

“Don’t worry,” Jackie said, even though the thought of falling in the cold water absolutely terrified her, “I’ll be careful.”

“I’ll be waiting,” Nat said. Jackie slung the rope over her shoulder, took a deep breath, and stepped on the ice. It didn’t feel scary at first. Jackie had gone ice skating before at the lake behind her house, and it felt kinda like that. But her boots were a lot heavier than her skates, and when she took another step, she was sure she felt a crack.

“Jackie?” Nat asked.

“I’m fine,” she said. She could do this. For Shauna. She looked up from the ice, focusing only on the moose. This was her job, her responsibility. It was her turn to handle it. So she walked. She moved slowly like Nat said, but as quickly as she could. 

I need to do this for Shauna , she thought as she got closer. The moose was thrashing in the water, and Jackie could see her window of opportunity slipping.

She should hate Shauna, but she didn’t. She should want nothing to do with Shauna, but she didn’t. Shauna wanted a life outside of Jackie. Jackie wanted a life with Shauna. What a pair they were, huh?

Shauna was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby, and instead of rightfully being angry with her, she was in the middle of a goddamn lake in the middle of ‘Nowhere, whatever the fuck state they were in’, with nothing but a rope, Lottie’s combat boots, and determination to kill a moose so Shauna and the baby could eat. Who said life made sense? 

It was ridiculous if you really thought about it. I mean, Jackie had been given every opportunity to leave, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. And maybe she was an idiot. Maybe she wasn’t any smarter than the little eight year old who flat out exposed herself to chickenpox even after receiving notes and warnings about how easily it spread. But here was the thing. Despite what her mother shouted at her after she got better, eight year old Jackie was thinking perfectly clearly. Shauna was in pain, and she needed her. She needed her then, and she needed her now.

She was close enough to throw the rope on the moose. Nat had tied a knot that went over its neck. Poor creature. Stuck out here just like them. At least, this way, they could put an end to its suffering. That was mercy, right? 

She worried the moose would fight her as she secured the rope, but it was drowning. In a way, it probably wanted Jackie to pull. So she did. She planted her feet on the ice, just like she’d done in fifth grade when they’d all played tug of war at Randy Walsh’s birthday party, and she pulled. 

It’s all for Shauna , she told herself, Everything I do is for Shauna . It seemed like a curse, but it wasn’t. In fact, to her, it was the opposite.

I’m doing this for Shauna, she repeated, all for Shauna .

She got the moose high enough for Nat to make the shot, and when she turned to give the signal, that was when she saw it. It was distant, and at first she thought she imagined it, but then she could hear it. She could hear the plane in the sky. It was like when she was seven, and she and Shauna watched the planes together before they boarded the plane for Hilton Head. It wasn’t the exact same, but the sound was there. And it was real. 

Shauna

“It’s a plane!” Van shouted, and Shauna could hear the excited chatter of everybody else as they went to see it.

“Did I hear that right?” Shauna asked.

“Yes,” Misty said, sounding breathless, but not from fear. From excitement. Shauna wanted to be excited, too. Planes meant rescue, right? Rescue meant they were going home, far, far away from this death cabin in the middle of nowhere. But excitement didn’t come. No, instead, a pain so fierce rippled through her body, that all she could do was double over and scream. 

Jackie

The plane would save them. The plane would save Shauna . She looked down from the plane, and towards Nat, ready to tell her the news. 

We’re going home. They would go home, and they would be safe. It was over, right? No more needing to worry. No more needing to hide. 

I can get back to Shauna, she thought. Her eyes locked with Nat, and she was hoping that the other girl saw what she did, that she felt the same relief. But when she saw her teammate, there was nothing but horror in her eyes. 

I need to get back to Shauna, she thought. First crack.

I did all this for Shauna. Second crack.

I love Shauna.  

One more crack, and the ice gave way from under her. 

Chapter Text

Jackie

Cold. Frightening cold. That was what she felt the minute her body hit that dark water. The current was rough, and while she fought to stay afloat, it easily pulled her down. Nat’s screams were getting further and further away, and Jackie could feel the world slipping away from her. As she gave one look to the clouds in the sky, she started to understand why people used the phrase “my life flashed before my eyes.” 

As Jackie sunk down, she saw everything. Her parents giving her a polite goodbye at the airstrip after dropping her off at the plane for Nationals, when she scored the winning shot, when Jeff first asked to be her boyfriend, and when she was five years old, playing in the sandbox. That was the day her life began. That was the day she met Shauna Shipman. 

When she’d read those pages of Shauna’s journal, she’d been mad. But not because Shauna slept with Jeff. Jeff was…well, he was just Jeff. Shauna having sex with Jeff wasn’t the betrayal. The betrayal was never telling Jackie the way she felt, how she never thought once to tell her how suffocated she felt, and how she just let those feelings fester inside until she drove herself-no, until she drove Jackie crazy trying to figure it out.

She’d spent the past two months being mad. But now, here in the cold of February, as she continued to drown, her one regret was that she never had a chance to make things right. How she would never see her best friend again. How she could never say she loved her back.

Nat

“Jackie!” she screeched. Her voice echoed over the frozen lake. The spot where her captain had fallen was quiet. She could no longer see her arms writhing around, reaching for the surface. 

“Fuck it,” Nat grunted. She sprinted over the ice, nearly skidding under the slippery material. She came to a clumsy halt, and took a deep breath before dunking her head into the water. At first she saw nothing, but then she saw a flash of light from Jackie’s heart pendant reflecting against the ice. Nat reached out, and nearly breathed a sigh of relief when her hand brushed against another. Unlike the moose, she was able to keep a hold of Jackie, but when she pulled, she could feel the ice under her legs start to crack.

Fuck fuck fuck. Nat knew that there was no saving herself now. Soon the ice would crack under her, and she would fall with Jackie into the abyss. 

If Nat was being honest, she thought about death a lot. She supposed that was what happened when your dad fucking shot himself in front of you. She’d never feared it, she’d never been able to run from it. And now it was here, staring her right in the face. The ice cracked again, and she found herself regretting leaving the trailer for the plane before her mom woke up. Would the woman have said goodbye to her? And Kevyn…would he mourn her after all this time? Or would he remember her as that junkie who dumped him without even a second thought? Yeah, that sounded more realistic. 

Natalie Scatorccio, infamous in life and death. She could hear her “friends” from school now. Knowing them, they’d already forgotten all about her. Nat wasn’t a sentimental person, which is why she was kind of kicking herself for even caring about her mom or those guys from school, but she guessed death really did put things in perspective. 

She could feel the weight of the ice about to finally break, and right when she was ready to accept what was happening, and let go of Jackie’s hand as they descended into whatever waited for them on the other side, she felt a rough hand on her back. 

Nat gasped as her head was pulled from the water, and nearly screamed as she saw Jackie’s slowly bluing hand. The ice was starting to break up, but whoever had pulled her out was on a mission. Nat’s vision was a little blurry for a water, so she could only make out dark hair and red…was that blood?

“Help me!” a familiar voice said. Lottie?

“Lot?” she asked drowsily.

“Get her other arm, I can’t pull by myself, and the ice is about to give,” Lottie said. Nat blinked, and the scene in front of her became clear. Lottie was using all of her strength to pull Jackie out of the water, and her nose was dripping with blood.

“Natalie!” Lottie shouted, “Get over here now or I’m going to lose her!” Nat shook her head, sprinkling lake water everywhere. The ice under Lottie was starting to shake, so she knew she needed to act fast. She half ran-half crawled back to the hole, being mindful of the splitting ice, and she grabbed Jackie’s other arm. Working with Lottie, she was able to pull the girl out of the water. 

“Come on, we’ve gotta get her to the shore,” Lottie said. 

“I thought Jackie didn’t matter anymore,” Nat said sarcastically, quoting Lottie’s words from that night. Maybe two months had passed, but it wasn’t like Lottie and Jackie had made nice during that time. 

“We need to get her to the shore,” Lottie repeated, ignoring every word Nat said. The ice was still splintering, so Nat decided to pick her battles, and she helped Lottie pull Jackie up. Their former captain was freezing, but Nat could tell she wasn’t dead. She’d seen death in Rachel’s eyes, and in Coach Martinez when he’d fallen from that tree. Jackie didn’t look like that yet. There was still a chance. 

The ice crumbled behind them as they got back to land, where Nat’s gun was still discarded in the grass. They gently laid Jackie down, and Nat crouched down for her, listening for a pulse the way Misty taught them nearly nine months ago. Back when Laura Lee was still there, and it was over seventy degrees. Nat couldn’t believe there was ever a time where she felt too hot . Jackie’s pulse was there, but it was very, very faint. 

“What do we do? Do we…do we pump her until she coughs up the water?” Nat asked.

“I don’t know,” Lottie said, wiping away some blood from her nose, which was slowly starting to bruise, “but they can help us.” They? Had the rest of the group come for them too? Nat couldn’t imagine Shauna coming all this way, especially because it seemed like her water would break any day now-no pun intended.

Nat looked up, expecting to see the other Yellowjackets, but it wasn’t them they saw. She saw a group of people with a gurney running her way. The gurney had a bag on top, and the people were dressed in coats with masks and goggles.

“Lot?” Nat asked, “Did Misty spike our drinks again this morning?”

“No,” Lottie said, and for the first time in months, Nat could say the other girl was actually smiling. The people came closer, and they immediately turned their attention to Jackie. They placed gloved fingers on her neck, and listed endless lists of words that were beyond Nat’s current level of comprehension. Then, one of them pulled out something Nat never thought she’d see again. A radio. 

“We’ve got an unresponsive female. Pulse 30 and weak, moderately hypothermic. Preparing to transport,” he said into the device. Transport …that word seemed foreign to her.

“Miss, what’s your name?” another one of them asked her while Jackie got loaded onto a gurney.

“Nat…Natalie Scatorccio,” she said. Her teeth were still chattering from the water, and the man draped a blanket around her. A warm blanket, she may add. She wrapped it around her freezing body, breathing out a sigh of relief as her teeth stopped.

“It’s good to meet you, Natalie. I’m Mark, I’m with a paramedic unit stationed near…well, in the area.” She could tell this was Mark’s nice way of explaining that they’d been stranded in the middle of fucking nowhere. 

“How did you find us?” she asked. 

“Did a small plane say circa 1960s, er…detonate, recently?” he asked. Lottie and Nat gave him twin nods.

“Turns out there was a tracker in that plane. The explosion activated it. It took us some time to pinpoint an exact location, but we were able to get here in time. And thank god we did.” Nat nodded feebly, sinking into the blanket. She prayed paramedic Mark had a well heated ambulance, because the blanket was starting to lose its warmth. 

“Come on, let’s get you two out of here,” he said. Lottie and Nat followed him through the woods, and Nat watched as Jackie was loaded into an ambulance, and quickly driven away. It was weird, seeing a motor vehicle in the same woods they’d been trekking through by foot for months. Was it really possible that they were just…getting rescued? Just like that?

“Is our friend going to be okay?” Lottie asked.

“I can’t make any promises now, but I can say it’s a good thing we came when we did. Any more time in that water…” And she wouldn’t have had a chance at all.  

“Are we going home?” Nat asked. Home. The concept of home had become foreign to her over the past couple of months. As they grew more comfortable-well at least tried to-in the wilderness, New Jersey became less like home, and more like a memory. But now that the possibility of going back was in reach, well, it seemed like a fucking home again, didn’t it? Mark gave her a kind smile. 

“That’s the plan. Which way to your cabin?” He already knew about the cabin?

“Down that way,” Lottie said, pointing him in the right direction. Mark took the lead, and Nat fell in step next to Lottie.

“How does he know we have a cabin?” she whispered.

“Those three aren’t the only people here,” Lottie replied, “They have a whole team. There’s a plane waiting for us a few minutes down, and the rest of them are treating the others at the cabin. We’re going to be ready to go soon. Well as soon as…” she trailed off, wiping blood from her nose again.

“As soon as what?” Nat asked, “And what the fuck happened to your nose?” Lottie turned to her, giving her a grim stare.

“Shauna is in labor,” she said.

Shauna

“AHHHH!” she screamed as she fell forward. She felt a paramedic’s hands on her back, working to pull her up.

“Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to be as still as possible,” she said, and Shauna was close to smacking her just like she had with Lottie.

“Get it out of me, get it out right now!” she shouted. 

“I’m gonna check for crowning,” one of the other paramedics said, but Shauna didn’t want her.

“No,” she said, “no, I want Misty.” Sure, earlier she never wanted Misty anywhere near her baby. But Misty was familiar. The paramedic was not.

“I’m here!” the equipment manager chirped. Was she way too excited for this? Definitely. But Shauna didn’t care. If they couldn’t move her until this baby was out, she wanted it done her way.

“Okay, but I’m staying,” the paramedic said. Okay, she guessed it couldn't hurt to have someone with a bit more training. Misty moved the blanket out of the way, and she looked for crowning.

“The good news is, you’re fully dilated!” she exclaimed. Shauna wasn’t sure she knew what that meant.

“What’s your name, honey?” the paramedic holding her asked.

“ S-Shauna,” she gasped.

“Okay Shauna, we’re gonna need you to start pushing now,” she said, “Your friend and my partner are there to get the baby, and once he’s out, we’ll get you on the plane, okay?”

“No…no I can’t push him out right now. Not without Jackie.”

“Without who?” the paramedic asked.

“Jackie!” Shauna repeated right before screaming as she was stricken with another contraction. Tai ran up to her, replacing the other paramedic, and she held her close.

“Jackie and Nat aren’t back from the lake yet, but Lottie took some of their guys to go get them, so they’ll probably be back soon-”

“I need Jackie. I can’t have the baby without Jackie.”

“Shauna, Jackie’s coming, but you can’t keep the baby in,” Tai said, then looked over at the paramedic, “She can’t do that, right?”

“No she can not,” the woman affirmed. 

“The lake is what, ten minutes away?” Shauna asked as her breaths became labored. Tai had to hold her tighter, and she heard the paramedic request an oxygen canister, “We can wait that long.” Misty poked her head out from under the blanket.

“You need to start pushing. Remember the video in health class? The baby could suffocate!” Shuana didn’t remember that video at all. She’d spent that whole class in a mood because Jeff was trying to flirt with her-only because Jackie was out sick that day. Shauna had spent the whole class video miserable before leaving class halfway to go hang out in the locker room, then skipping the next period to see Jackie, hoping that could somehow make up for her boyfriend’s semi emotional cheating. 

Fucking Jeff. All of this was his fault if you really thought about it. Okay sure, the first time they got together, Shauna kissed him first. But A, she’d been drunk, and B, Jeff should have stopped her, but he didn’t! And now, he was off chilling in his college dorm somewhere-probably having forgotten both Jackie and Shauna-and she was stuck on the floor of this dead guy’s cabin in the middle of…where did the paramedics say they were? Shauna had no idea.

Another contraction rippled through her body, and she screamed so loud that Tai actually loosened her grip and backed off.

“Okay you really need to push now!” Misty called, and when Shauna looked down, she realized a huge layer of blood covering the once clean (well, as clean as it could be) blanket. And her vision was starting to blur as her body grew weaker. The paramedic was trying to give her a mask, but Shauna swatted it away.

“I don’t want it!” she snapped, slapping the woman in the arm when she tried again.

“She’s in a hitting mood today,” she heard Tai say. She started to cough as her breaths became slower, and Tai half whispered half yelled, “Shauna, put the mask on!”

“Jack…Jackie,” she said weakly, “I can’t do this without Jackie.” 

“I know Shauna, I know,” Tai said, which was almost unexpected. The paramedic gave them a small smile.

“Is Jackie the father?” she asked kindly. 

“No, Jackie’s-” Shauna started to explain, but she was cut off by perhaps the worst contraction she’d experienced yet.

“Shauna! It’s time to push!” Misty shouted, right when the door opened, and Nat came in.

“What’s happening?” she asked, “Is she having the baby?”

“Where’s Jackie?” everyone else in the room asked in a creepy unison. Shauna gave Nat a hopeful look, praying she would tell her that Jackie was right behind her. But the look on her face completely suggested otherwise. 

“Jackie is…um…” she was stumbling over her words, like she was trying to think of an excuse. Shauna was sure what it meant though.

“She doesn’t want to be here, does she?” she asked weakly. It made sense. Shauna still didn’t know why Jackie had even agreed to be there. She hated her. She should hate her. 

While she wallowed, she could feel the paramedic putting the mask over her face, and she started breathing in the air. She could feel the process getting easier, and she laid back in Tai’s arms. 

“She wants to be here,” Nat said, “She’s just…”

“Just what?” Misty asked, and Shauna could hear the desperation in her voice. 

“You know what?” Nat asked in lieu of an answer, “I will uh…go check on her, but in the meantime, you need to start pushing, Shauna.”

“Yes, I agree,” Tai said, “Come on, you can do it.” 

“Come on Shauna,” Misty said, “One little push!” Little was not how Shauna described that push. A little push is when you’re on the swings and you can’t pump your legs fast enough, so your best friend gives you a little push to get you going. This push contained a pain level that Shauna nearly equated to that time in sixth grade where she’d fallen from a tree in her backyard and broken her left femur, her right ankle, and both wrists. 

But the one upside to breaking bones was the smashing of nerves that caused the pain sensation to stop for just a second. Labor didn’t have that. No, labor was the opposite actually. Because when she did push, she felt a rush of pain so severe that she thought she was going to pass out and die on the spot. Her screams were so loud, that she swore she saw the creepy antler ears on the wall fall down. 

Nat

Shauna’s scream was so loud that it nearly knocked her off her feet. Nat looked over at Lottie, who looked weirdly calm as she pressed an ice pack to her nose.

“Lottie? Lottie, what do we do? She…she needs Jackie, but we can’t exactly give her to her!”

“She doesn’t need Jackie,” Lottie said simply, “None of us need Jackie.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Lottie fixed her with a harsh glare.

“Shauna is probably losing blood by the second. The more she pushes her body, the sooner she bleeds out for good. And Jackie…well, Jackie is gone.”

“They’re gonna save her.”

“Will they?”

“They could .”

“Not fast enough to help her. Shauna…Shauna needs to let Jackie go.”

“Wha…what about Shauna?” someone who wasn’t Lottie asked. Nat turned to the ambulance. The door was open, and Jackie was moving. Nat climbed up next to her.

“Jackie? Are you awake?”

“What happened to Shauna?” she asked drowsily.

“She’s having the baby,” Nat admitted, “and she’s asking for you.” The minute the word “baby” left Nat’s mouth, there was a change in Jackie. Her eyes grew wider-if that was even possible-and she made an effort to move, but she couldn’t.

“I need to get to her,” she muttered.

“ You can’t move,” Nat said, “Rescue came, and they need to warm you up.”

“No, I need to be with Shauna. Where…where are my fucking clothes…”

“It’s okay,” came Lottie’s still creepily calm voice. Nat watched as she put her ice pack to the side, and came up to the end of the stretcher, “I’ll get you to Shauna.”

“You will?” Jackie asked hopefully.

“You will?” Nat asked angrily. What was Lottie’s deal? Giving her false hope would not help anyone!

“Don’t worry for one second,” Lottie said, flashing a warm smile. The sun had just risen, and was glowing on Lottie. Put that together with Jackie’s clear delirium from the hypothermia…she probably thought Lottie was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

“It’s all going to be okay,” Lottie said, placing a gentle hand on Jackie’s shoulder. The last time Nat had seen Lottie and Jackie act this civil with each other was a birthday party from fifth grade. Fifth!

“Just relax. It’ll all be over soon,” Lottie soothed. Then she reached forward, and unclipped the heart pendant from Jackie’s neck. She pulled it off, and handed it to Nat.

“Take this to Shauna,” she instructed.

“Lottie, I don’t think-”

“You’re right, she can’t move. Think of this as…Shauna keeping a part of her with her.” Nat frowned, “It’s the most we can do.”

“Do you think…” Nat lowered her voice, “Do you think Jackie is going to die?”

“I can’t say that,” Lottie said, “We’re out of the woods. It’s not up to us anymore.” 

“I still don’t get what that means.”

“It’s okay.” Lottie held her shoulder, the same way she had with Jackie, “You don’t need to.” Yeah, okay .

“I’ll get her the necklace. Are you going to stay?”

“Yes,” she promised, right as a monitor next to Jackie began to beep frantically. Nat paled when she saw Jackie, and realized she’d gone unresponsive again.

“Lot?” Nat asked. One of the women from the lake ran over to them and said,

“Okay, we need to transfer her now . We can’t wait any longer.”

“I’ll go with her,” Lottie promised again, “She won’t be alone.” Nat nodded, and took a step back as the ambulance door closed, taking Lottie and Jackie to the plane. When Nat made it back to the cabin, Shauna was pushing, but there was no baby.

“How’s it going?” she asked.

“Where is Jackie?” Tai asked her angrily.

“Jackie’s not coming,” she blurted out. It wasn’t worth it to keep Shauna guessing. All they were doing was distressing her more. So she knew she’d made the right decision by saying it. But when she looked Shauna in the eye and saw her staring at her with big sad, brown eyes, she felt sick . Natalie wasn’t usually one to care. But if you spent enough months trapped with somebody, well, you start to. And Nat always cared about her team. 

“What happened?” Tai asked through gritted teeth.

“She fell into the lake when we went on the hunt,” Nat admitted, “It was an accident, and Lottie and I got her out, but the paramedics need to take her to the hospital.”

“Is she alone?” Ben asked.

“No, Lottie went with her. I think they’re gonna fly out now.”

“And the rest of you are going to need to go too,” the lady with Misty said.

“What?” Nat asked.

“I thought Shauna couldn’t move,” Van said.

“She can’t, but we called for another plane when we learned one of you was pregnant. I’m guessing your friend took the rescue med plane, so we’ve got the big one for the rest of you.”

“You want us to leave her?” Nat asked, while Shauna just started crying. Nat wasn’t sure she’d ever seen Shauna cry before this.

“Once the baby is born, it’s best we minimize germs,” the paramedic explained. That was when Nat realized Misty was wearing gloves and a gown. 

“Two of you can stay because we’ve got one extra, but the rest of you need to get on the plane.”

“She’s right,” Mari said, “Coach Scott needs medical attention, too.” Nat couldn’t disagree with that. Not to mention that all of them desperately wanted to leave.

“Okay,” Nat said, “Okay, you two should go.” Nat was about to offer to stay with Misty until she saw how tightly Tai was holding onto Shauna. She knew the two of them had gotten pretty close over the past nine months, and she knew she wanted to stay.

“Tai, you’ll be okay?” she asked.

“I will be.” Van, who’d been pulling her backpack on, stopped when she realized Tai was staying. Tai and Nat made the unspoken agreement to switch places, so Nat went to support Shauna like Tai had been earlier, and she went to go talk to Van.

“Hey, hey you’re doing great,” Nat said as Shauna continued to cry, “Women have been having babies since the dawn of time. You’ve got nothing to worry about.”

“Jackie,” Shauna said, “Jackie is going to die. That’s why you weren’t telling me what happened.” Crap. Okay, Nat could admit, she didn’t have the most optimistic outlook when it came to Jackie’s future. But, she had talked to them, right? And the doctors were going to help her, so she had to have a chance. 

“Shauna, listen. Jackie is not dead. And if she were here right now, she would want you to have this baby, because if you don’t-” She was cut off when Shauna started to cry harder.

“She needs to push,” Misty said. 

“I’m aware , Misty!” Nat snapped. She looked over at Tai, who was busy kissing Van. She was on her own here.

“Look, Jackie wanted you to have this,” Nat said, holding up the necklace. Shauna didn’t stop crying, but she paused when she saw the chain, and her breath got caught in her throat.

“She talked to you?” she asked, and Nat nodded.

“Jackie believes in you, and she doesn’t hate you.” Nat found herself spilling everything Jackie told her in the woods to Shauna. She knew she promised she wouldn’t, but they were running out of time. And better she break Jackie’s trust than let her best friend die right before they got rescued.

“She told you that?” Shauna asked.

“Yeah, she did.” Nat moved Shauna’s hair out of the way, and she put the necklace on, “Now are you ready?” Shauna nodded.

“I’m ready,” she said. 

“Okay,” Nat said, “Tai!” Tai ran over, and the two of them switched places. Tai put on the gown the paramedic gave her, and as she tied it, she asked,

“Will you keep an eye on Van?” 

“Of course,” she promised. Tai went back to holding Shauna, and as Nat left the cabin with the others, she could still hear her screams echoing through the woods. 

Don’t die, Shauna , she thought, please don’t die . 

Shauna

Shauna hadn’t paid one bit of attention during that day in health class. With Jackie being out sick and Jeff lamely flirting with her, it had been nearly impossible to spend the forty minutes with her eyes glued on Coach Ben’s stupid video. They’d had a quiz on the video a week later, and Shauna copied all the answers from Danny Mears. Shauna wasn’t a copier, in fact, she was usually the type of person people copied from , but that day had been different. So of course that day was the one that was of utmost importance when it came to perhaps the biggest struggle of her life.

“You’re doing great, Shauna,” the paramedic said.

“I see crowning!” Misty called. 

“What does that mean?” Shauna asked.

“It means he’s coming,” Tai said comfortingly. 

“Push now!” Misty called from under the blanket.

“It hurts,” Shauna gasped out.

“I know, I know,” Tai said, hugging her tighter, “Come on Shauna, you’ve got this.” Shauna groaned as she pushed again, and the pain came back tenfold. Did it really hurt this much? Did every woman in the olden days who gave birth without any hospital drugs feel this much pain? If so, why did they keep having kids?!

“Because there was no form of contraceptive available for people before the 1900s. At least, safe contraception,” Misty said, and Shauna realized she was speaking out loud.

“Thank you, Misty,” Tai said.

“No problem!” she chirped, and Shauna was sure Tai rolled her eyes.

“One more push!” the paramedic called, and Shauna found herself reaching for Jackie’s cold necklace. It was freezing in her hand, but it could still comfort her. 8 years old, chickenpox, hot chocolate. 8 years old, chickenpox, hot chocolate . It repeated in her head over and over again until she was there in her bed with Jackie. Only they weren’t eight. Jackie was dressed the way she was on the plane, in her letterman jacket, holding the chain. 

“Here, now nothing can harm you,” she said, dangling the necklace in front of her.

“No, you keep it,” Shauna said. Jackie almost died when she fell in the lake. She needed it more than she did. Jackie laughed.

“Don’t be silly. Here, take it.”

“No. No, I don’t deserve it.”

“Of course you do. You’re my best friend.” Best friend . 

“I’m sorry,” Shauna said, “I never meant to hurt you.”

“I never meant to hurt you, either,” Jackie said, “I’m sorry, Shauna.” She moved some hair out of her face, “I love you.” I love you . Three words that Jackie had never said to her once in her life. 

“I love-” she started, then was abruptly cut off as she screamed, and she was back in the cabin. The smell of hot chocolate was gone, and so was Jackie.

“Stop, stop pushing!” the paramedic exclaimed.

“Why, what happened?” Tai asked.

“Is the baby okay?” Shauna asked, her breaths coming out labored. Tai helped secure her oxygen mask back to her face, which helped a little, but not enough, “Is he out?”

“No, not yet,” the paramedic replied, and her tone was grim, “Alright um, Shauna, I’m gonna have you lay back. Taissa, come over here for a second.”

“Wait, why?” Shauna asked.

“Just relax, Shauna,” the paramedic promised, “Everything is okay.” Nothing felt okay. When Shauna felt Tai’s comfort slip away from her, she found herself going back. 

8 years old, chickenpox, hot chocolate. 8 years old, chickenpox, hot chocolate. When Shauna opened her eyes, she was back on the bed with hot chocolate in her hands. 

“This is so good,” Jackie said as she took a sip, “Kudos to your mom for getting the big marshmallows.” Shauna brought the cup to her lips, but it shook in her hands, and she ended up spilling it all over the bed. She expected it to burn her legs, but she didn’t feel anything, and Jackie seemed incredibly unbothered. 

“That’s gonna be a bitch to get out of the sheets,” she commented. 

“Something is wrong with the baby,” Shauna said, “They’re not telling me, but I can feel it.”

“Do you think he’s going to die?”

“Don’t say that.”

“Well, do you?”

“I don’t know! ” she exclaimed. 

“Relax, Shauna. Nothing needs to be an issue unless you make it one.”

“You sound like Lottie.”

“No, I sound like you . Jackie isn’t here. Jackie is gone, you made me up.”

“Then you could at least be nicer to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Jackie leaned on her side, and gave her a kind stare, “Don’t worry, Shauna. Everything is going to be okay.”

“Shut up .”

“Well, you asked!”

“You’re not helping. You’re supposed to be here with me.”

“Well I’m not. So what are you going to do?”

“I want to have this baby. But something is wrong. Something I can’t control.”

“Okay. What would Jackie say if she were here?”

“Exactly what you’re saying.”

“No, this is you. What about Jackie ?”

“Jackie would…she would tell me I was going to be fine. But not in that fake way you are. She’d tell me it’s going to be hard, but once the hard part was behind me, I was gonna be fine.”

“So, now what?” Jackie asked.

“I’m gonna have this baby. And I’m gonna be okay.”

“Good,” Jackie said, her voice fading away, “Then go.” 

Lottie

The plane was bumpy, and all Lottie could think about was the trip to Nationals, her hands entwined with Laura Lee’s while the oxygen mask pushed against her face, and she could feel herself plummet to the ground.

It had been almost a year, and it still felt unfathomable to Lottie that she’d been in a plane that fell from the sky. Planes were supposed to want to stay in the air, right? That’s what her mom used to tell her back when she was five and terrified of flying. Back when her mom still gave a shit about her. 

“ Is it supposed to be this bumpy?” she asked the paramedic who was currently watching Jackie. She seemed completely unbothered by the jolts of the plane, and she wasn’t even wearing a seatbelt. That was a good thing, right?

“Sometimes the wind can pick up a bit over this stretch and cause turbulence, but don’t worry, it’s nothing to be scared about.” Lottie was probably the last person who could be told “nothing bad will happen on this plane” and believe it. The paramedic seemed to realize this, because she quickly followed up with,

“It’s okay if you’re scared. I can’t imagine how this must be making you feel right now, but I promise, we’ll be landing at the hospital before you know it, alright?”

“Alright,” Lottie said, but she still found herself grabbing onto the handhelds by her seat. This wasn’t like a normal plane. All the seats were on the side so there was room for Jackie’s stretcher. Lottie was strapped down by two belts that formed an X, and that gave her more protection than an airplane seatbelt, but she still didn’t feel any less safe.

“Would you like a small sedative? It’s basically a low dose sleeping pill. You’ll be able to sleep the rest of the flight,” the paramedic offered.

“No, no sedative,” she said. She needed to be here, present, in the moment. That was the only way any of this was going to make sense.

“Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.” The plane rocked again, and Lottie winced, clutching the handholds harder. She opened her eyes, and looked at Jackie. She was breathing slowly, and the machines next to her weren’t freaking out anymore, but her skin was still extremely pale, and she hadn’t opened her eyes once since they took off.

Lottie’s relationship with Jackie was…weird, to say the least. They’d met when they were around seven at a society party in town. Their parents ran in similar circles, so their paths tended to cross a lot outside of school. Lottie was new that year, and Mrs. Taylor asked if Jackie would show her around at school the next day.

She followed Jackie around like a shadow that day. She met Shauna, and even at seven, Lottie could tell she was the third wheel. Jackie and Shauna were practically glued to the hip. Lottie thanked Jackie for showing her around, but that was the most they really spoke again in elementary school until their parents signed them up for the community soccer team in fourth grade. Jackie convinced Shauna to join with her, and they all played until trying out for the Yellowjackets in ninth grade. 

Even after five years on the same team, Lottie still didn’t really speak to Jackie again until they started taking French together. They were both horrible . Their teacher, Madame Frank, knew it too. Their oral exam scores were bordering on 50 each time, the written exams somehow managed to be worse, and neither of them participated, sitting in the back of the classroom with their heads down, praying they would never be picked on.

It became a problem when they got their midterm reports back and realized they would get benched if they didn’t pull their French grades up. They knew they had to work together, so they started studying together. It was a disaster. So, Plan B had to be enacted. After taking about four semesters of French with Madame, they learned that she was a huge Yellowjackets fan. Apparently soccer was like, her favorite sport ever. So much so that she coached a small team on the side. 

The one lesson Lottie ever learned from her dad was that life was one big negotiation. So that’s what this was. In exchange for ten hours a week coaching her soccer team, they got ten points of extra credit for every exam. They weren’t making As or anything, but it was enough to get them off the bench.

“You can’t tell Shauna, though,” Jackie said when they started, “She’s always getting on me for distracting her when we study together. She’ll be so pissed.”

“Oh for sure,” Lottie said, “Our secret.”

Lottie loved having secrets. They were kind of her guilty pleasure. Like, she didn’t need to steal clothes from TJ Maxx, but having the secret made it worth it. Coaching with Jackie was the same. Ten hours per week they spent together, and they were barely friends. Lottie was sure she was the last person Jackie wanted with her right now. Lottie herself didn’t know why she’d offered to stay. She was pretty sure everybody else got to take a normal plane that they would be on together, there to comfort each other if they got scared. Lottie and Jackie were all the other had, and it was scary. 

There was no guarantee that Jackie would make it. She could hear the other paramedics whispering about how bad the situation was. Normally, drowning wasn’t this bad, but drowning in a freezing lake in the middle of winter certainly took the cake. Lottie’s own hands were still pretty chapped from just reaching in to pull Jackie out.

Was this really how it ended ? Lottie had given up hope of rescue long ago, but now that it was here, it felt…fake. It felt like she was watching her life from afar. None of this felt correct, none of it felt like it was supposed to happen. Contrary to what literally everybody else on the team thought, Lottie wasn’t religious. She’d said it multiple times, talking to the wilderness wasn’t a prayer, it was a feeling. Lottie herself didn’t know how it started. Maybe it went back to Laura Lee. Maybe it went back to the feeling of wanting to be needed. 

Laura Lee…what would she say to her if she was here right now? Would she have applauded Lottie for her efforts? She liked to think so. Was she happy that they got rescued? She had gotten them saved, after all. And if she could see them, if she could be happy, was it all real?

“Pulse is dropping!” one of the paramedics called. Two others went to join her, and the monitor by Jackie’s stretcher began to go crazy.

“What’s happening?” Lottie asked.

“Bradycardic in the 30s,” the paramedic said in lieu of an answer, “Dropping fast!”

“We need to push fluids,” another one said.

“Her veins are shot. We’ll need to go IO,” the first one said. 

“Get the drill!” someone called. Drill?! Lottie was sure she misheard that. But she was proven wrong when someone came in holding a giant drill, and turned it on. The whirring sound nearly made Lottie throw up. 

“Should we do one or two?” the lady asked.

“Go for two, someone start compressions!” With the drill whirring, the paramedic’s frantic CPR, and the incessant beeping of monitors, Lottie was sure she was in a horror movie. And when the paramedic moved the blanket off Jackie’s leg, and began to insert the drill, she didn’t need a sedative. She just passed out.

Shauna

Shauna’s eyes opened, and she was back in the cabin. Misty, Tai, and the paramedic were all under the blanket.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Shauna, your baby’s shoulder is stuck. I’m going to need you to stop pushing, and give us the time to move him.” What?!

“Is he going to be okay?”

“We’re gonna do everything we can.” God, Shauna hated that phrase. She whimpered in pain as the paramedic reached in, and she screamed as she felt the baby move. 

“Taissa, Misty, go back there and keep her still!” the paramedic called. Her teammates were soon on her side, with Tai offering comforting words, while Misty offered statistics on the rates of complications in home births. Honestly, neither of them were helping that much.

“Just get him out!” she begged. There was another shift, and she screamed again, so Tai went back to holding her, while Misty went to the paramedic. 

“Okay Shauna, this is gonna hurt, but I need you to keep your mask on and breathe, okay?” the paramedic asked, and Shauna nodded. Her vision was starting to get cloudy, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she would be able to fight this.

“I’m gonna die, aren’t I?” she asked Tai.

“Not yet you’re not,” Tai said, “Come on, put this back on.” She helped Shauna secure the mask around her nose, which helped somewhat with the vision, but she knew it wouldn’t stop the pain.

“Ready, Shauna?” the paramedic asked.

“Mmhmm,” she said, her voice muffled.

“Alright. Misty put your hand here, you’re gonna get him when he comes out. And three, two…” The paramedic didn’t even get to three before they started moving the baby, and Shauna screamed. She understood why Jackie made the joke about a hand breaking because she was pretty sure she could feel Tai’s hand crack under hers.

“Almost there, Shauna!” the paramedic called. Shauna gasped as another spasm wracked her body, but this time, she could feel the weight lessen.

“Is he out?” she asked, nearly out of breath.

“Not yet, but you can push now, okay? Just one more.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“This time I mean it. Ready?” She nodded, “Okay come on.” 

“You’ve got it Shauna,” Tai said. She pushed, and what she felt next was not something she was sure she could describe. She cried, she screamed, it hurt like hell , but she also felt a sense of…relief. The weight she’d been feeling lessened, and from Tai’s gasp, she was pretty sure the baby was out.

“Do you see the placenta?” she heard Misty whisper.

“It might take a few minutes. Taissa, why don’t you help her sit up?”

“You did great, Shauna,” Tai said. She helped her in a more comfortable position, but Shauna wasn’t worried about herself.

“I can’t hear him crying. Why isn’t he crying?” 

“How far along was she?” the paramedic asked Misty.

“Nine months. We’ve been counting.”

“He’s small,” she commented, “Apgar’s only about four…”

“Why isn’t he crying?!” she repeated, her voice coming out strained.

“We need to get him in the incubator. Misty, take him to the plane with the blue cross on the side. My partner is in there, she’ll know what to do.”

“Wait, where are you taking him?” Shauna asked.

“I’m sorry, I need to take him,” Misty said, her voice growing farther away just like Jackie’s. Is that what this was? Was this a dream? Was her baby still in her?

“She’s starting to hemorrhage,” she heard the paramedic say.

“Is the placenta out?” Tai asked. She saw Misty leave the room. Even with the mask, her breaths were growing more shallow. As her vision clouded again, she could feel it fading, and the last thing she could hear was Tai calling her name as the room was swallowed up in darkness.

Lottie

They rushed Jackie into the ER right when the plane landed. Lottie stayed behind, practically glued to her seat. She couldn’t undo the seatbelt. It felt like it was the only thing holding her in place.

“Lottie?” Paramedic Mark asked, “Lottie, we’re gonna need to get you inside. The doctors need to make sure you didn’t pick up any infections or diseases out there.”

“I can’t move,” she admitted, “I can’t take the seat belt off.”

“Need me to help?” he asked, and she nodded. He got to work undoing the straps and the buckles-this plane was old -then extended a hand to help her stand. She couldn’t take it though.

“Lottie, you’re safe now. You don’t need to worry about getting off the plane.”

“We left her there,” Lottie said, “We left her.”

“Who? Your friend? They’re gonna bring her once the baby is delivered.” 

“Not Shauna,” she said, “We lost Laura Lee out there. We’re not getting her back.”

“Laura Lee? I don’t unders-”

“I can’t get off the plane. I can’t get off without her.” Mark seemed to somewhat get a better grasp of what was going on, because his expression softened. 

“I’m sorry you lost your friend. I can’t begin to imagine what any of you went through out there. But I do know that you aren’t helping her by staying on this plane.”

“If you tell me that this is what she would have wanted, then I won’t believe you,” she said.

“I know. But I also wasn’t going to say that because I won’t speak for somebody I don’t know. Though, I will say, that the people who did come back with you would want you to get off the plane. You did good with your friend just now, she’s going to need you.”

“She doesn’t need me. She needs Shauna.” And she isn’t my friend .

“Then just keep doing what you’ve been doing. Be there for her until Shauna comes.”

“If I get off this plane, is this whole thing over?”

“No,” he said, “but it’s a start, right?” 

“Yeah, I guess. Do you think…do you think Jackie will make it?” 

“I can’t answer that for sure. But they’re doing everything they can.” That phrase was such a cop out.

“I think I’m ready,” she said.

“Great.” Mark moved out of the way, and gave her room to stand up. She followed him off the plane, and kept her head low as she walked on the ground. There were a few nurses and doctors sitting around eating lunch. Judging by the sun in the sky, it was probably about mid afternoon.

None of them regarded her in any way. She wondered if she knew their story, or who she was. If so, they didn’t act like it. Mark easily got her through the ER, and to a closed off room where a mix of about twelve nurses and doctors checked her over. She wasn’t sure where Mark went after that, but considering he was the only familiar face she knew, she started to feel overwhelmed when the strangers-all in masks and goggles that made her feel like she was being probed -started to poke around.

The good thing was that they told her what they were doing before they did it. They took samples from her skin to check for diseases, they drew blood to check for infections, and they did several other things that Lottie just felt…numb during. They were talking to her, but she wasn’t even noticing. She didn’t answer back until she had to, and that was when they asked her name. It was funny how much work doctors could do without even needing to know her name .

“Lot-Charlotte. Charlotte Matthews.” 

“How old are you Charlotte?” She was about to answer with “eighteen” then she remembered.

“What day is it?” she asked.

“January 27th, 1997.” 1997 . When the plane crashed and the black box never came up, Lottie didn’t think she’d live to see 1997. 

“Charlotte?”

“19,” she said, “I’ll be 20 in a few months.”

“Happy early birthday,” the nurse said even though she still had some time. But that wasn’t what she was upset about. She’d missed her nineteenth birthday. Her last birthday as a teenager was just…gone. Lottie didn’t even care about her birthday that much. It was a summer birthday, so all her friends, and even her parents, were usually gone, so it was a day she spent by herself. So why was she suddenly feeling so sad about it now?

“Charlotte, is there any past medical history we need to know about? Previous hospital stays, surgery, medications, et cetera?” Here it goes .

“Uh, Loxapine,” she said. She was sure the nurse would know what it was. Any time she’d ever seen a doctor-whether for shots, simple checkups, or one time when she’d sprained her ankle at a soccer game sophomore year, they would ask that same question, and she’d get one of three responses. 

The first-her least favorite-was the sympathy response. They’d tell her about a friend or family member or even a random person on TV who had schizophrenia, and that she was so brave. Whatever that meant.

The second response was the fear response. They would laugh nervously, or Lottie would see a hint of panic in their eyes before they were conveniently paged away to another patient, and they would get another doctor to look her over. Lottie was pretty sure that response was why her parents stopped going into the exam room with her from as young as nine years old. 

Then there came the third response, which would have been her least favorite had it not saved her from unnecessary humiliation and her dad shaking her head at her like somehow all of this was her fault. The third response was when the doctor didn’t want to see her at all. That happened once when she was seven and needed stitches, and when she was twelve and needed her wisdom teeth removed. Looking back, not the best times to get turned away, but hey, she was able to get her wisdom teeth out two weeks later which got her out of a huge history test, so she learned to take wins when they were offered. 

Now she was left to wonder, which response would she get now? She was pretty sure three was out of the question. Turning away a girl whose plane fell out of the sky could not be legal. Not that it was anyway, but this time she was sure they’d get more attention. One seemed the most possible. How could you not be sympathetic to someone who was in a plane crash? So, as she steeled herself for the ultimate pitying response, she was left shocked when the response she received was none of the above.

“What was your dose, Charlotte?”

“Um…50 milligrams a day.”

“Okay. I’m assuming you haven’t been taking it consistently, right?” She shook her head, “When did you last take it?”

“We were only supposed to be in Seattle for like a week, so I only got enough for until then.”

“Right. I’ll need to contact your prescribing physician of course, do you know their name?”

“Dr. Meyers in Wiskayok.”

“Great, I’ll have the doctor give him a call, and we’ll figure out the dosage you need. Have you experienced symptoms since stopping the medication?” Had she? That was the hard part about being stranded in the woods. You were left wondering if the problem was with you, or the problem was just with everyone else. 

“Um, I don’t know,” she said.

“That’s okay. We’ll do an evaluation.” She made some notes, then went to a closet.

“You’re going to have to stay in here for two weeks,” the nurse said, handing her a gown, some hospital slippers, and a pair of socks.

“Two weeks?” Lottie asked.

“When we get your blood test results back, we’ll determine if it needs to be longer, but for now, the isolation will protect you from possible infection.”

“I can’t see my friends?”

“Not for two weeks, I’m afraid.” Perfect . She only came in here so Jackie wouldn’t be alone, and now they all had to be alone.

“What about the girl I came in with? Jackie?”

“I think they’re getting her into surgery. We probably won’t have another update for you until later, though.” 

“Oh. She’s gonna make it though, right?”

“They’ll do everything they can.” Stupid phrase… She nodded tersely. 

“Thank you,” she said. 

“I’m nurse Erin, the call button is there if you need me,” she said before heading out of the room. Lottie took her stuff, and went to the bathroom which was fully stocked with a toothbrush, toothpaste, soaps and shampoos, and some towels. She ended up in the bathroom longer than she’d expected, running her hand over many cuts and bruises she’d sustained from the months in the cold. Her chapped hands burned under the hot water, but  in that almost satisfying way they did after taking a hot bath when you came in from playing in the snow. 

When she finished in the shower, she put her original gown in a hamper provided to her, and she pulled on the hospital robe. They’d taken her clothes before checking her out,  and she found herself wondering where they were. She’d been wearing Laura Lee’s dress, after all. She wanted to have something to give her parents if she saw them again. 

She sat on her bed, and looked at the hospital outside. Doctors were running around, their sneakers squeaking on the hospital floor. She wondered if the rest of the team had made it back, and if that was why everyone was suddenly in a rush. She was answered when she overheard one of the nurses saying the plane came in. That had to be the others.

Lottie waited in her room for about three hours. She flipped through channels on TV, she played with her pillows, and she attempted to sleep, but it didn’t come easily. The bed she was in was ten times more comfortable then the middle of the woods, but the beeping of machines, the nurses and doctors outside, and just the overall ambiance from the outside world was distracting.

She never realized just how loud certain things were. Cars, people, machines, plumbing…it all echoed in her ears, making it impossible to close her eyes for even a second.

“Lottie?” she heard. Lottie . None of the hospital staff would be calling her Lottie. Lottie rolled over on her side, and she saw Natalie Scatorccio on the other side of her room window. She got up from her bed, and walked over to her.

“Where’s Jackie?” Nat asked.

“Surgery I think,” Lottie replied, “They didn’t let us stay together. I’ve been in this room for hours.”

“Makes sense. They’re taking us up one by one. I haven’t seen anybody since we got taken off the plane. Did they tell you anything?”

“Just that we have to quarantine for two weeks.” Nat scoffed.

“Two weeks? That’s bullshit!”

“There are worse fates.”

“True.”

“How’s Shauna?”

“I don’t know. Misty and Tai stayed back with her, but they made the rest of us leave. They thought the baby would do better if exposed to less germs, and they only had enough gloves for two.”

“Is she still there?”

“No clue. I hope not, though. It would be sick if she or the baby died right when we get rescued.”

“Don’t say that. The baby will be fine.”

“I thought the wilderness didn’t have a say anymore,” Nat said, her tone sarcastic.

“Fuck that,” Lottie said, and she was pretty sure she almost got a smile out of Nat, “I’m trusting my intuition here.”

“Well yours is a lot more optimistic than mine.” There was an indistinct voice down the hall, “I need to go. See you in two weeks?”

“See you,” Lottie said. Nat went to follow a nurse into her room, and Lottie closed the blinds on her window. She couldn’t face the rest of her friends now, not when she didn’t have any answers for them. She laid in bed for hours, listening to the sound of gurneys and feet. By the time the noise stopped, and she was sure all her friends were in their rooms, it was night time. 

Her door opened, and Erin came in, holding a tray of food. Lottie wasn’t sure why, but for the first time, she wasn’t hungry. She was quiet as Erin put the food down, and she almost didn’t hear her when she asked her for her arm, so she could give her a fluid drip.

“The good thing is that you girls weren’t actually too dehydrated. But there are certain fluids you can only get from food, so this will help with your energy.” They’d put a line in her when taking blood, so Erin just hooked it up to the IV, Lottie wincing as the needle burned.

“Little pinch, then all done,” Erin said. She finished with the IV, then pushed the food closer to her. As she helped her sit up, Lottie asked,

“Is Jackie out of surgery yet?”

“Yes, and she pulled through okay. She’s in Intensive Care for now-I’ll actually be going down there to check on her in a bit-and we’ll continue to monitor her and hope her condition improves, rather than deteriorates.”

“So she’s alive?”

“She is.”

“And Shauna?” Erin frowned, “Sorry. She was the one who was pregnant.”

“Oh! I’m not too familiar with her case, but I do know that our NICU received a new baby.”

“You did?”

“Mmhmm. A beautiful baby boy.”

Shauna

When she woke up, she was no longer on the cabin floor. There was still an oxygen mask on her face, and she still had people crowding around her, but she knew for sure that she was out of the cabin-mostly because she wasn’t covered in pounds of clothing. She tried to move the mask-it was kind of hurting her face-but a person stopped her. It wasn’t the paramedic from earlier, but a woman in these bright pink scrubs that kind of gave her a headache.

“You’re gonna need to keep this on, Ms. Shipman,” she said, placing it back on her face.

“Where’s my baby?” she asked. And where’s Jackie?

“Your baby is fine. He’s in the NICU getting stronger. You are currently on the maternity floor of the hospital.”

“Oh.”

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Shauna Shipman.”

“Where are you from, Shauna?”

“New Jersey.”

“What year is it?” 

“1996.” There were a few murmurs after that, and Shauna was pretty sure she heard someone else whisper,

“She probably doesn’t know!”

“Good Shauna, that’s good. It’s actually 1997 right now.” Oh right.

“She’s A and O times three. Push some fluids, and I want all the bloodwork done within the hour,” a woman in a white coat said before leaving the room. Shauna felt a pinch on her arm, and she saw that there was an IV line running out of her wrist. How long had it been?

“When can I see Jackie?” she asked.

“Aww is that the baby’s name?” the nurse asked. How many times was this gonna happen today…

“No, my friend Jackie,” she said, “She was brought here first.”

“I’m not sure about that. Today, you’re my only priority.” Shauna didn’t want that. She wanted to  know how Jackie was. How her baby was.

“You lost a lot of blood. We did a transfusion upon your arrival, but are you feeling lightheaded? Nauseous?”

“No.”

“Excellent. We’ll have our OB come in to do a more comprehensive exam, but besides some dehydration, you seem to be in a semi stable condition. We’ll know more when your bloodwork comes back, though.” Semi stable. What did semi stable even mean?

“Is there anything else I can get for you?” she asked. Shauna shook her head, “Great. I’ll be back with some dinner. For the next two weeks you’re going to need to stay in here, just to minimize germs. Afterwards, you’ll be able to see your friends and family.”

“My parents are coming?”

“Your mother said she would, yes.” Of course . “She’ll be able to see you after the two weeks.” Shauna nodded, reaching for Jackie’s necklace. Whether or not the chain was actually a good luck charm or not, she didn’t know, but it was something to hold on to. However, when she reached for it, she didn’t feel it.

“Is something wrong?” the nurse asked.

“I was wearing a necklace when I gave birth. Where is it?”

“We took all the clothes you were wearing. It’s best if we keep you in something clean.”

“I need the necklace, I need it now.” She could feel her face getting hot, and a machine next to her started to beep, but she didn’t care. She needed that necklace.

“Okay okay,” the nurse said, “I’ll go and find it for you.”

“Thank you,” Shauna said.

“Anything else?”

“Nope.”

“Good. Get some rest, Shauna. You’re finally home.” 

“Home,” she murmured once she was alone. Whatever that meant .

Chapter Text

Part IV: Tai

The hospital they were taken to was nice. They each got their own rooms, and they were well looked after until their parents arrived. Tai’s parents were beyond overjoyed to see her.

“We had a funeral!” Mom exclaimed, “After enough time passed and there was no word, we all assumed the worst. But you’re here. You’re here and you’re beautiful .” She’d then wrapped her in a hug so tight that Tai was sure her blood flow had been completely cut off. But she didn’t care. How many nights had she spent in that cabin, wishing she could have one last hug from her mom? 

“I missed you guys, too,” Tai said, and her mom sobbed. 

“We thought you were dead. We thought you were dead,” she kept repeating. 

“But I’m not,” Tai assured her, “I promise I’m not.” Her mom pulled away, cupping her face in her hands.

“Now that the doctors have lifted your quarantine, they’re going to let you have free reign of the hospital. Doesn’t that sound great?”

“Yeah, it’s perfect,” Tai said. They’d been in quarantine for two weeks, and Tai was sure that she’d watched every episode of every TV show they played in that time.

“I bet you want to see your friends, right?” Dad asked.

“That would be nice, yeah.”

“They’re mostly on this floor. We’ll wait here for you,” Mom said. Mostly excluded Shauna, who was in the maternity ward, and Jackie, who was in the ICU. Tai tried asking for updates about all of them, but the nurses were pretty tight lipped. So the minute the door to her room was opened, she went to find Van. It wasn’t that difficult. All of their rooms had their names on the side of the door. “Quigley, M” was the first one she saw, and she could see Misty with her parents through the window. The two of them offered each other a polite wave before Tai continued down the hall.

She passed “Scatorccio, N” but that was empty. Tai wondered if she’d already left. “Matthews, C” had the blinds shut, and when she passed Mari, Akilah, Gen, and Melissa’s rooms, they were also all reuniting with their families. It wasn’t until she got to the end of the hall when she saw “Palmer, V.” This was the only room with the door opened. 

“Van?” she asked, but there was no response. Tai entered the room, and her heart sank when she saw that it was empty. If the door was opened…had she already left?

“Van?” she asked again, looking in the bathroom, “Van!”

“Tai?” She could hear Van’s voice, but it wasn’t in the room, “Tai?” It was coming from the hall! Tai ran out of the room, nearly slipping in the hospital slippers. When she entered the hall, she saw Van at the other side, near her room.

“I was looking for you!” Van exclaimed as she came her way.

“I was looking for you, too!” The two of them embraced, and Tai began to understand why her mom was holding her as tightly as she could. Because now that Van was in her arms, she never wanted to let her go again. 

“Tai, you’ve gotta let go,” Van said with a chuckle.

“No, not now,” Tai said, “Just…one more second.” She felt Van kiss her neck, and when they pulled apart, Tai was sure she’d never seen a smile as big as the one on Van’s face.

“How have you been?” she asked.

“Bored,” Van admitted, “Daytime TV is exhausting, and those crossword puzzles started to get a lot less riveting over time.”

“Is your mom here?” Tai asked.

“Yeah, she’s around. Surprisingly,” Van added, “She said she was going to the cafeteria, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was hitting up some of the nurses for goods.”

“Van-”

“It’s fine. You know she and I were never that close. She’s happy I’m okay, and that has to mean something, right? I mean, Nat’s mom isn’t even here.”

“You talked to Nat?”

“Yeah, we left our rooms around the same time. She said she was going to take a walk around the floor, and that Lottie’s parents were gonna take her home.”

“Dammit. It’s been over nine months. How does her mom not come?”

“Families are messy,” Van said, “but I guess it makes me more grateful for what I have.”

“You don’t have to be grateful to Vicky.”

“I know. But I am grateful to you. You know what the doctors told me?”

“What?”

“I am one in a million. Apparently anybody else with the same level of deep scar tissue I had would’ve been dead in minutes.”

“I guess Lottie and the trees pulled through for you, huh?”

“Maybe,” Van mused, “but you did, too.” She kissed her, and Tai was honestly surprised. She quickly pushed her away.

“We probably shouldn’t…I mean, we’re not in the woods anymore-”

“Laura Lee knew,” Van said, and Tai frowned.

“What?” she asked.

“Yeah. It was at Mari’s party a few months before the crash. Remember, we both had some beer, and we made out in the backyard-”

“Yeah, no one was around.”

“Almost no one. After you left, I went to get some more beer, and Laura Lee found me. She told me she saw everything, and I was terrified . I mean, come on, you know-” she trailed off, “You knew how she was.” They went quiet for a second as they thought about Laura Lee. Laura Lee, who, when it all came down to it, may have actually been the one to save them all.

“I knew how she was,” Tai said after a second. 

“Except we didn’t,” Van said, “I uh, I thought she would never want to speak to me again after that, but she did. She told me we were really brave.” She smirked and added,

“She said that we were beautiful in the eyes of our Lord.” Tai laughed.

“Oh my God,” she murmured. 

“She was very adamant about it,” Van affirmed.

“Oh I could tell,” she said, “but Van…one person isn’t everybody.”

“I know. I’m not saying we should walk out of here hand in hand and go get married or something. But I am saying that I want to try. I want to be more than what we were.”

“Yeah, I want that to.” Tai entwined her hand with Van’s, pulling her close.

“So…where should we start?” Van asked.

“Well, I seem to recall talking about New York and soft pretzels.” Van grinned so wide that Tai was shocked that her smile didn’t actually spread across her face.

“ When should we go?” Van asked.

“Well, we’re graduates now, right?” Tai asked, putting an arm around her as they walked down the hall, “We can go whenever we want.”

Shauna

Her quarantine got lifted at eight that morning. Her mom was excited to see her, and she was making a fuss out of everything-how her sheets weren’t soft enough, how the room was too cold, how her gown fabric felt too thin-but all Shauna could think about was Jackie. Well, her baby and Jackie. 

Her baby was currently still a few pounds underweight, and had to stay in the NICU until further notice. Apparently Shauna had gone into labor a whole four weeks early- they’d all been kinda terrible at keeping track of time in the wilderness-and, due to how little Shauna had been eating, the baby was malnourished. 

“He’s doing better,” Mom noted, “He might start breathing on his own soon.”

“That’s great,” Shauna said, “When can I see him?”

“Soon,” she promised, “They just need to make sure he’s strong enough. You can see your friends, though. They’re all on the floor below us.”

“Is Jackie with them?” she asked. Jackie’s chain was still around her neck. 

“I spoke with the Taylors. Jackie’s condition was stabilized when she arrived, but after a few days, it worsened. She just had surgery last night, so they’ll have to wait and see.”

“Was the surgery successful?” 

“They said it was. Right now they’re just monitoring her, hoping for a change.”

“I need to see her.”

“You can’t , Shauna,” she said. It was a way different answer than soon. 

“Then I don’t want to see anyone.”

“Shauna-”

“I don’t want to see anybody!” she snapped, and her mom sighed.

“Alright. I’m gonna go get you something to eat.” She left the room, and Shauna hugged her knees to her chest, clutching the chain of the necklace close.

Jackie

The ball soared across the field at a speed faster than she could keep up with. It landed on the ground with a thud, mere feet away from her. The goal was in front of her, with the keeper matching her with a hard stare, hands at the ready. Jackie ran forward to kick the ball, but when she made it there, her cleats slipped on the grass. She flipped in the air and fell. She braced herself for the impact of her back against the grass, but it never came. She was plunged into the dark of the lake water, and she could feel the cold taking over. She looked up, and she could still see the sun from the game. In fact, she could even hear people cheering in the stands.

Jackie made an attempt to swim up, but she couldn’t move. There was no current pulling her down, no force pulling her up, she was just…frozen. She couldn’t feel her lungs filling up with water. In fact, she almost felt like she was at peace. But then, the sun started shining brighter. And she could feel it getting closer, until the rays were right in her face, and all she could do was scream.

“We’ve got a pupillary response,” came an unfamiliar voice. Jackie tried blinking the sun away, but it was getting closer. The water was less cold now, and she could move her hands. Could she swim now? Maybe she could try…

“Ms. Taylor, I’m gonna need you to relax,” that voice said again. Ms. Taylor? Nobody called her Ms. Taylor. She started to swat away the voice. She wasn’t sure she liked it anymore.

“She’s a hitter like the other one,” someone else said, and they held her hand down. Jackie squirmed around, and the first woman said,

“Good, we’ve got full range of movement. Still no respiratory response.” 

“Should we put her back on the bypass?” the second one asked. 

“We just weaned her off. Let’s see if we can get her talking. Ms. Taylor, can you give me a deep breath?” A breath? Well, she supposed her lungs weren’t filling. So if she breathed, the water wouldn’t come in, right? Jackie took a deep breath, and nearly choked as she felt something get taken out of her mouth. The scene in front of her became clear, and that was when she realized she wasn’t in the water at all. She was in a bed, and there was a tube being taken out of her mouth.

She began to violently cough, and one of the women held her up, while another gave her a glass of water. The water was kind of lukewarm, and while Jackie usually appreciated her water cold, this was a welcomed change. She took a sip, wincing at how it burned going down her throat.

“Ms. Taylor? Are you feeling alright?” the first woman asked.

“Jack-Jackie,” she coughed out, “My name is Jackie.”

“Alright Jackie,” she said, “How are you feeling?”

“My throat is sore.” And her voice sounded horrible.

“That’s okay, that’s normal after what you’ve been through. Erin, can you go run a new set of labs?” Erin nodded, and left her alone with this lady, who Jackie saw was a doctor. 

“Where’s Shauna?” she asked, “Is she okay? Is the baby okay?”

“Who’s Shauna?” the doctor asked. Um, Shauna? The only one of them who’d come in with a baby! Jackie was seriously wondering how this lady got into medical school. Jackie frowned at the doctor, and when faced with Jackie’s annoyance, it was like a lightbulb went off in the doctor’s head.

“Oh, right!” she exclaimed, “Right, Shauna. I will get you an update on her as soon as I can. But for now, let’s focus on you. Would you like to see your parents?” Hell no!  

“They’re here?” Jackie asked unenthusiastically.

“Yes, in the waiting room. Would you like us to bring them down?”

“No thanks. I just want to see Shauna.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, “You’re over eighteen, so we have no legal obligation to bring your parents here, but would you at least like me to update them?” Not a single part of that statement got her closer to Shauna, so Jackie responded with a simple,

“Whatever.”

“Great, we’ll go do that. When Erin comes back-”

“She’ll take me to Shauna?” Jackie asked.

“She’ll give you an update. Right now, you just focus on getting stronger. Your body has been through a lot.” The doctor gave her a comforting pat on the back, then left her room. 

“Fuck that,” Jackie grumbled. She’d once sprained her ankle and she still played a soccer game that same night! Her body was fine. She moved her covers out of the way, and attempted to pull herself out of the bed. But the minute she tried to move, her vision got hazy, and she fell back on the bed.

“Ow,” she said weakly. 

“I know it’s scary,” Erin said, and Jackie nearly screamed.

“What is all of this?” she asked.

“When you were first brought in, we were able to rewarm you, but your heart suffered a lot of damage from the cold temperatures. Luckily for you, you’re awake and oriented, so that means it worked. We’ll be able to move you to a room soon.”

“Can you move me now?”

“Not without Doctor G. And not until your vitals are stable. You’re on your way, though!”

“When will I be ready?”

“Time will tell, Jackie. Just relax. You’re safe now. Everything is going to be okay.” Everything would be okay? What a stupid thing to say!

“Do you want anything to eat?” Surprisingly, yes.

“Soup would be nice,” Jackie said.

“I’ll get an order down.”

“And can you get an update on Shauna?” she asked hopefully.

“I’ll see what I can do. Just sit tight.”

“I’ve got nowhere else to be!” Jackie called after her. She was hoping Erin would be quick to return, but she was left to her own devices for a bit. She played with the device on her finger, and she entertained herself with the wires on her body. It was fun until she pulled one off and a bunch of nurses rushed in thinking she was in cardiac arrest. And not one of them had an update on Shauna! 

By the time Erin returned with her soup, she’d been taken to the ICU, been given a crossword to spend her time on, and was now everybody’s least favorite patient. 

“Here you go,” Erin said, placing the soup on her table, “I got an update on Shauna for you.” 

“Wait, really? How is she?”

“She’s doing well. The baby is weak, but getting stronger. Hey, just like you!” Jackie chuckled nervously, but she didn’t think the nurse noticed. 

“Can I see her?”

“We can’t move you yet, but keep making the progress you are, and you’ll be able to see all of your friends.”

“Can’t she come to me?”

“Now that you’re awake, you can have visitors, but at this time, we have to restrict them to family. Is Shauna your family?”

“Well yeah!” Shauna was family in all the ways that mattered, right?

“Is she your sister? Or cousin or…”

“She’s my…” No, she wasn’t her sister! She was a friend-no, more than a friend. She was…well, Jackie didn’t know what she was, but she was someone that Jackie should be allowed to see!

“Hey Erin,” another nurse said, “Jackie’s cousin is here?” Cousin? Jackie didn’t actually have any cousins. Both her parents were only children. Maybe it was like a second cousin? But that didn’t make much sense considering the only people in her family that Jackie spoke to were her parents. 

“You have a cousin visiting?” Erin asked her. Jackie wanted to say no, but her curiosity was getting the better of her, so she lied by nodding her head. 

“Let them in!” Erin called. The sliding door to her room opened, and instead of Jackie’s mysterious cousin, Natalie Scatorccio walked in. 

“Oh dear God,” she muttered. 

“I’ll leave you two alone to catch up,” Erin said. She left the room, and Jackie glowered at Nat.

“What are you doing here?”

“Shauna said we should check on you, and they made some sort of unanimous decision that I was the best one to pose as your cousin. The team sends love, though. Oh, and Shauna sends this.” Nat reached into the pocket of her I ♥ Canada sweatshirt and pulled out her necklace. Jackie vaguely remembered Lottie taking it off of her in the ambulance, but she didn’t think she would see it again.

“Did Shauna want to be here?” Jackie asked.

“She did,” Nat replied as she handed her the chain. Jackie played around with it while Nat took a seat on the foot of her bed, “I’m guessing you want to see her too, huh?”

“I mean…I guess,” Jackie said, trying to play it cool.

“You don’t have to lie to me, you know. Who am I gonna tell?” Nat asked with a coy smile. Jackie shrugged.

“Okay. Maybe I kind of want to see her. But I can’t move, and apparently she can’t pose as my cousin, so that can’t happen.”

“Oh, I can get Shauna to you no problem. Don’t even worry about it,” Nat said.

“You can?” Jackie asked, immediately perking up, and Nat started to laugh.

“No, but you should see how excited you got. Seriously, I thought you were going to jump out of your bed.” Jackie’s smile turned into a scowl, and she threw her soup spoon at Nat.

“Hey!”

“Get out of my room!” she snapped. 

“Alright alright, that was my bad,” Nat said, putting her hands up, “Truce?”

“No,” Jackie said, and Nat sighed.

“I am sorry, you know? I had a bad feeling about you going out onto the lake that day, and I didn’t stop you.”

“Okay,” Jackie said. She really didn’t blame Nat. At least, not as much as her own stupidity. But if the girl wanted to be apologetic and let Jackie feel a little bit better, she’d take it.

“How are things out there?” she asked. She wasn’t allowed to see anything past her glass sliding door, “Is everybody still here?”

“Yeah. We have to do therapy sessions before they let us out in the world. All our families are here, too. Well, mine aren't, but whatever."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Seriously, don't. Your parents are actually in the waiting room, but Shauna figured you wouldn’t want to see them.”

“Shauna figured correctly. I don’t know why she thought I’d want to see you, though.”

“Wow. I break hospital protocol to get you that necklace, and this is the thanks I get?” Jackie rolled her eyes while Nat got comfortable in her seat, “Unbelievable.” Nat pulled a flask out of her sweatshirt, and Jackie gasped.

“How did you get that in here?”

“It was the only thing from the plane that wasn’t taken for “decontamination.” Plus, Lottie’s dad day drinks.” Jackie gaped at her while Nat took a sip. Nat dropped the flask from her lips.

“Oh I’m sorry, where are my manners? Want some?”

“There are like fifty needles feeding into my body right now.”

“So is that a yes or…”

“No!” 

“Okay, okay!” Nat exclaimed, then grinned at her, “Want me to put it in your IV?”

“Get out !” she repeated.

Shauna

Waiting for Nat to come back was torture, so she was spending her time walking around the hospital. Now that she was out of quarantine, her nurse suggested that she move around some more to help with blood flow or whatever. 

Shauna took a few laps around the maternity ward, but she got enough weird looks from the other mothers-not that she really considered herself a mother yet-on the floor, so she’d gone down to where her friends were. The ICU was one floor down, and Shauna had considered going. But if she was turned away, then she’d just be wasting her time. Plus, Nat was there, and Nat would be back to give her information. She just needed to wait it out.

The elevator opened on the third floor, and she stepped out. She looked around for her friends, but she was stopped on the way by the last people she wanted to see.

“Mr. and Mrs. Taylor!” she exclaimed.

“Shauna!” Mrs. Taylor said in that voice that was meant to be kind, but just came off as really cold. She gave her a hug, which was surprising, since Mrs. Taylor was not a hugger. She’d only seen her hug Jackie once, and it turned out, she’d just been pulling out a loose thread in her sweater. 

“When did you guys get here?” Shauna asked, pulling herself away from Jackie’s mother. Her perfume was extremely nauseating. 

“Well, Mr. Taylor and I were actually on a trip overseas when we received the call. We would have gotten here sooner, but considering Jackie’s condition was so serious, we figured we could wait a bit before arriving. We wouldn’t want to get in the doctor’s way.” I mean, I guess . Shauna had spent the past two weeks exhausting every option possible to get out of her quarantine to see Jackie, but sure, why shouldn’t her literal parents enjoy their European vacation? God, they were insufferable. 

“And when we do get here, she doesn’t want to see us,” Mr. Taylor said with a dry chuckle. Shauna pursed her lips, giving him a thin smile.

“I’m sure she’ll let you in eventually.” Eventually meaning the day she signed the discharge papers. 

“How have you been, dear?” Mrs. Taylor asked, clearly making a move to change the subject, “We heard from Taissa’s father that…ahem…that you had a baby while you were away.” Great . If Taissa’s dad was telling people, that meant everybody knew. 

“Uh yeah, I did. A baby boy, he’s in the NICU.”

“That’s…wonderful, Shauna,” Mrs. Taylor did. Okay, so she probably didn’t know who the father was. 

“It is?” she asked.

“It is,” Mrs. Taylor affirmed, “This means that you’ve finally found someone, yes? I’m sure he’s a nice boy.” Yeah , they definitely don’t know . And she definitely didn’t think he was a “nice” boy either. She thought what the rest of the team probably thought. How he was just some high school guy who planned on having no involvement in Shauna’s or the baby’s life. And she could hear it in Mrs. Taylor’s voice. That fake pity. The same fake pity she’d given her mom after her dad left them for his secretary. Looking back, her dad was kinda like Jeff. He never knew what he wanted, he sure wasn’t faithful, and he wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. 

“He’s a…” how did she explain this? Did she start with the fact that he was Jeff, the fact that she didn’t love him, or the fact that she’d only been with him in the first place because Jackie couldn't do something as simple as say “I love you” back. 

“Oh look at you, getting all bashful,” she said with a scary laugh. Shauna was beginning to understand why the woman didn’t laugh more often. 

“That’s me,” Shauna said, “Bashful.” Mrs. Taylor continued to laugh, and Shauna tried joining in, but she sounded more like she was crying, so Mrs. Taylor quickly stopped. 

“So…is Jeff here?” Shauna asked. It had been a question eating at the back of her brain since she got there. She didn’t want Jeff there to see him, or so he could meet his son or whatever. In fact, Shauna would be content if Jeff never even learned of this baby’s existence, but she asked mostly for Jackie. Jackie heard Shauna’s side of the story. She deserved the chance to look Jeff in the eye and ask for his.

“Oh, Jeff couldn’t make it, dear. He’s busy with his studies. But he sends love, of course.” No he didn’t . 

“Right, of course,” she said.

“Have you gone to see Jackie?” Mrs. Taylor asked.

“Uh no, not yet. We’ve all been in quarantine so…”

“Yes, yes,” she said, “but I’m sure you’ll head down there soon, right?” Here’s hoping . Shauna had argued with about ten different nurses already, and she wasn’t making much ground. 

“ Well, we should get going,” Mrs. Taylor said, “Is your mother here?”

“Uh yeah, I think she’s in the waiting room with the other parents.”

“We’ll stop by to say hello, then. It’s good seeing you, Shauna.”

“You too,” she said, hoping her voice didn’t sound as fake as she felt. As they headed towards the waiting room, the elevator door opened, and Misty came out.

“Oh there you are, Shauna! I went up to the maternity ward to look for you, but your room was empty, so I figured you would have come to find us.”

“Yeah, I did. Where are-”

“How have you been doing? Have you been in any pain? I once read a study about both maternal and infant mortality following shoulder dystocia. There was a doctor at Harvard Med who was sure that the baby could suffer adverse effects due to the intense strain of being-”

“Misty!” Shauna said, trying to keep her tone steady, “I’m fine. The baby’s fine.”

“Oh that’s great! Have you seen him?”

“Not yet. Germs and all.”

“Gotcha. I think they’ll let you see him soon. Babies shouldn’t be taken from their mother for long. It will harshly affect their attachment styles in the future.”

“Uh huh,” Shauna said, while also wondering why they didn’t send any other person to go and find her. Preferably Nat, because she could get some kind of update on Jackie. 

“So where is everybody?” she asked. 

“Oh, Travis wanted to see Javi, so we’re all on the peds floor! Come on, it’s one floor up from maternity.” Misty took her into the elevator, and pressed the “5” button. Shauna watched them go up floors, and tapped her feet impatiently. She hoped Nat was up there, instead of still in the ICU with Jackie. She needed an update as soon as possible.

The door to the elevator opened, and Shauna all but pushed Misty out of the way so she could get out first and talk to Nat.

“Shauna, slow down!” Misty called as she jogged up to her. Shauna kept her face fast, so Misty had to continue to run. She saw the others in the game room. Nat was slamming a card on the ground as she loudly snapped,

“Go fuck yourself, Lottie!” 

“What’s going on?” Shauna asked.

“We’re playing Go Fish,” Mari said. 

“Shauna, hey!” Tai exclaimed, dropping her set of cards.

“She’s got the other two threes,” Akilah whispered to Mari. Tai got up from the ground, and wrapped Shauna in a hug.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Fine,” she said, “As fine as I was twenty minutes ago.” She’d already seen Tai, Nat, and Van since leaving her room, but as she saw the others, she realized her entire group of friends looked like an ad for visiting Canada. Van explained that Lottie’s dad had given them permission to splurge at the gift shop as reparations for choosing a faulty plan. How generous! 

“Come sit down,” Tai said, telling Gen and Melissa to clear a space for her. Shauna sat down on the blue teddy bear carpet, and looked up at Nat.

“How was she?” she asked.

“She’s fine,” Nat said, “She had a few complications which is why she’s still down there, but her doctor says she’s improving. Her heart is beating on its own and all that, and she’s not cold anymore. She’s gonna be okay, Shauna.”

“If she’s okay, that means we can all see her, right?”

“Not yet. They want to monitor her for any infections. But they said those would be unlikely!” Nat added as Shauna felt herself stiffen. 

“Did she say anything else?” Shauna asked.

“About what?” The baby, Jeff, her parents…me.

“Just…anything,” she said. 

“Well, she appreciated the necklace, and she said she wants to see you. Just in case you were wondering.” 

“She wants to see me?” Shauna asked, praying she didn’t sound too excited. She knew that she wanted to see Jackie, but she had no idea if Jackie wanted to see her. So the fact that the feeling was mutual…that meant something, right?

“She does. She was about to break out of her ICU room just to get to you. Seriously, Shipman. You may have broken her.” Shauna nearly gasped. Was that actually how Jackie was? Did she want to see her that badly?

“I need to get to her,” Shauna said, standing up from the carpet.

“Easy, tiger,” Nat said, “No ICU privileges unless you’re family, remember?”

“Didn’t you get a badge or something? I could use that!”

“They take it from you when you go in and out. The only way we’d be able to get you in is if we actually worked here.”

“Great, we just need a college education and a professional medical degree. We’ll get in there in no time,” Shauna said sarcastically.

“Well if we did nursing school instead of medical-” Misty started, only for her to immediately go quiet after a simple head shake from Nat. 

“What about candy stripers?” Tai asked.

“None here,” Nat said, “I’m fucking serious, that place is locked down . Only doctors and nurses, and they have security.”

“Great. So we get to play Go Fish, and Jackie’s basically in prison,” Shauna said.

“They’re taking good care of her,” Nat promised, “but we won’t be able to see her. Not until she gets taken up to regular care.”

“Which we’ll still be here for,” Tai said, “None of us are leaving this hospital any time soon. You’ll get plenty of time with Jackie.”

“That’s too long,” Shauna said, “I can’t wait a few days. She’ll think I abandoned her.”

“She’s not gonna think that,” Nat promised, “She knows why you aren’t there.”

“But what if-”

“If you want to go to Jackie, then go to Jackie,” Lottie said, like it was the easiest solution in the world.

“Thanks Lot, we’ll get right on that,” Tai said sarcastically.

“You’re giving yourselves the answer,” Lottie said, “Only doctors and nurses are allowed, right? They keep scrubs everywhere. Just be a doctor or a nurse.”

“How do you know where they keep the scrubs?” Nat asked.

“We’ve been sitting out here for three hours. In those three hours, five different nurses and two different doctors have gone into the supply closet over there to get new scrubs. The same closet is on every floor, and is probably on the ICU too. All you need to see Jackie is a key card to get in.”

“We have nurses coming to check on us every night,” Van said, “We could get one easily from them.”

“And then we’d have a key both for the scrub room and Jackie’s room,” Nat said, “We can’t get in without a key.”

“I can get the key!” Misty exclaimed. Shauna had no reason to doubt her on that.

“Let’s do it tonight. After our parents go home,” Shauna said, and the team voiced their agreement. Their parents going home was something easier said than done. Shauna’s mom would not leave. Even after visiting hours ended and the nurse told her she needed to go, she stayed. 

“I just got you back. I can’t leave yet,” she said.

“Mom, I’ll still be here tomorrow, I promise,” Shauna said as she tried to usher the woman out. If Jackie weren’t in the ICU, then she’d love for her mother to stay. She hadn’t seen her in nine months, she wanted to spend as much time with her as possible! But tonight that could wait.

Shauna nearly got her mom out the door when a nurse came in with this huge smile on her face.

“Shauna, would you like to see your baby?” she asked. My baby? Shauna froze, and so did her mom.

“I…I can see him?” she asked.

“Yes. His lungs have matured, and you no longer have any infections. He’ll have to stay in the NICU, but you will be able to hold him if you’d like.”

“Shauna?” Mom asked, “Do you want to see him?” Her Mom’s voice echoed in her head, and she was back at the cabin, screaming as she bled out, Tai trying to encourage her while her body convulsed with pain. Jackie was gone, Jeff didn’t care, and the baby was getting weaker since she hadn’t kept him safe. She couldn’t keep him safe.

“Shauna?” the nurse asked, “I can take you down now. The NICU won’t close to patients for another hour.”

“What do you say?” Mom asked.

“I uh…I…” the nurse and her mom were staring at her. She needed them to stop staring at her.

“Honey, you look a little pale,” Mom said, pressing a gentle hand to her cheek. She felt her legs buckle under the touch, and she fell to the ground.

Chapter Text

Jackie

Nat never came back, and Jackie kind of regretted kicking her out. She spent the night by herself-the only company being nurses checking on her heart, and by the time morning came, Jackie started to feel abandoned. She knew her friends couldn’t come, but that didn’t help her feel any less alone. 

Erin came to bring her a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, but Jackie didn’t want any. It was funny. She spent months starving, now she had food given to her whenever she needed. But she never felt up for eating anything. She just spent her day playing with the IV in her hand, and giving Erin short one word answers when asked how she was feeling.

“Your heart looks good,” Erin commented after she finished her exam, “I have to talk to Dr. G, but I’m thinking we can get you moved to a regular patient floor soon.”

“With the rest of my friends?” Jackie asked.

“Mmhmm. You see these two numbers here?” she asked, pointing to the small monitor on the bedside table. The numbers read “90/62.” 

“Yeah,” she said. 

“This is your current blood pressure from this morning. Once it reaches a suitable level-for your age, that would be somewhere above 110-you’ll be stable enough to leave the ICU.”

“I feel fine now,” Jackie argued.

“That’s because you’ve been laying down. You’re still too weak to stand, but don’t worry. Once you start eating more consistently, and we finish your fluid regiment, the number will rise. But you do have to eat.”

“I eat and I get out of here?”

“It’ll definitely help, yes.” Jackie stuck her spoon in the mushy hospital oatmeal, and took a bite. It actually wasn’t too bad. Was that cinnamon she tasted?

“Good, right?” Erin asked. Jackie shrugged, but she did take another bite.

“Here, I’ll sit you up more.” Erin went behind her bed, and pushed on something that moved her in a sitting position.

“I will be back in one hour to check your vitals. Is there anything else I can get you until then?” Shauna . She wanted to see Shauna. But she knew that wasn’t possible, so she shook her head.

“No, I’m all good.”

“Great. See you in an hour.” Erin went to leave, and as she pushed the doors out of the way, another nurse came in. And she had terrible news.

“Jackie, your mom and dad have come to see you. Should I let them in?” No. No, no, no . Jackie even shook her head to emphasize it. The nurse whispered something to Erin. Erin nodded, then turned to look at her.

“Jackie, are you sure? They really want to see you.” Jackie wanted to say no. She wanted to explain that any interaction with her mother would end with tears and her bowl of oatmeal being thrown against the wall. But she knew that tone. That was the tone her babysitter used when she’d pleaded with Jackie to let her mom see something as simple as the artwork the two of them did together. Jackie had adamantly said no because she liked how art was something the two of them shared without her mom. 

Mom hadn’t been pleased. Her babysitter was fired, and a new one, who paid Jackie little attention except making sure she was fed and alive, was hired. Jackie stopped doing art after that, which pleased her mother, since she thought it was a waste of time. She hadn’t understood her parents when she was four, but she did now. So when nurse Erin gave her that same look, she complied.

“Sure, let them in,” she said, resigned to her fate. When Erin mouthed a “thank you”, Jackie knew she’d made the right choice. She didn’t want new nurses. She felt lonely enough without having to get acquainted with a whole new nurse. The nurses went to get her parents, and when Jackie saw them, she felt like throwing up all of her oatmeal. 

“Jackie,” Mom said, her tone terse, “Your hair has gotten longer.” This was true. Her hair, which she usually wore by her shoulders-it made things easy for soccer-had now grown about six inches since their plane crashed. 

“Yeah, the Canadian wilderness barber shop closed this year. They had rats,” she said.

“Oh,” Mrs. Taylor said, taking her hand from her hair, as if she actually thought a bunch of rats would start crawling out of her any moment. She then decided to spend her time canvassing the room. She frowned when she saw the oatmeal. 

“What is this?” she asked.

“Oatmeal.”

“You hate oatmeal.”

“You never buy oatmeal.”

“Oh.” She said “oh” a lot. Jackie looked at her dad, who, honestly, to his credit, hadn’t said a word since entering the room. He’d just taken a seat where Nat was yesterday, and when he saw her looking at him, he waved. No wonder her mom liked Jeff so much. He was just like her dad. 

“Have they been taking good care of you?” Mom asked.

“Yeah, I’ve been fine,” Jackie said.

“ Then why can’t we take you home?” She shrugged.

“My blood pressure is too low. They say it has to rise before they can put me on the floor with everybody else.”

“On another floor? We have tickets to go home in three days!” Mom exclaimed. Jackie took a breath to steel herself.

“I’m not going home in three days.” Jackie had been told by Erin that the rest of the girls were in therapy, and once she was released, she’d have to start to. So, given what she understood, she would have to stay here a lot longer than everyone else. Which meant…which meant Shauna would leave without her.

“Well there are perfectly good therapists at home,” Mom was saying, “Once you’re physically healthy, I see no reason why we can’t just leave.”

“Well it’s not my call, it’s the doctors,” Jackie said, and Mom scoffed.

“A bunch of quacks,” she muttered.

“Are you even going to ask me?” Jackie asked.

“About what, dear?” she asked as if Jackie was fucking clueless. Was she serious? 

“Gee I don’t know, Mom. Maybe about the fact that I was in a fucking plane crash and stranded in the middle of God knows where for nine months?!”

“Oh Jackie don’t be crass,” Mom said, and Jackie felt her hands tighten around her oatmeal bowl. One toss and she could ruin her mom’s perfectly ironed blouse and her flawless blowout. 

“Don’t you worry about a thing, darling. Our first matter when we get home is to sue Malcolm Matthews for all he’s worth. See, I knew it was a horrible idea for you girls to go on that private plane.”

“You told me you liked the private plane!”

“Don’t twist my words.” My God . Jackie knew her mom liked the private plane. In fact, before the accident, she’d probably been annoyed that she hadn’t thought about it first.

“Well, I don’t care. We’re not suing Lottie’s dad.” Lottie wasn’t her favorite person in the world, but she had stayed with her the entire way to the hospital, and she’d given Shauna her necklace. She didn’t need to do either of those things, but she still did. And that meant something . 

“Jackie, I really think-”

“I don’t want to!” she snapped, “You weren’t on the plane, Mom! You don’t get to make this decision for me!”

“Honey, your mother-” Dad started, but Jackie didn’t want to hear it.

“No, I’m saying no. I’m not changing my mind on this.” Her parents exchanged a resigned look, and her mom sighed. 

“Fine, a lawsuit would be a headache anyway. We should focus on what statement you plan to give when we return.”

“Statement? What statement?” Did the school want them to say something? Was there a whole new team of Yellowjackets that they needed to convince to get on a plane to Nationals? Because, personally, if Jackie was an underclassmen who found out that the team who was supposed to play the national championship got into a plane crash , she definitely would’ve dropped her cleats off and gone to sign up for the chess club or something. And Jackie had no idea how to play chess.

“There’s gonna be a lot of press, darling,” Mom said, then proceeded to take her chin and move her face around, “You look ashen. This needs to change…”

“Mom!” Jackie complained, moving away from her, “I’m not talking to reporters!”

“You have to! People are going to want to hear your side of the story. I mean, you won’t believe the kinds of things people were saying when we found out you were all still out there. We need to shift the narrative in your favor.”

“Shift the narrative in my favor?” Jackie asked, and Mom nodded, “Why?”

“Jackie, once this is over you’re going to want to start college with a fresh slate! You don’t want your classmates making the wrong assumptions about you, do you?”

“God Mom, what classmates?” she asked crossly. She’d almost died. The last thing on her mind was going to Rutgers.

“Well surely you still want to go to college, don’t you?”

“I…” Jackie started, then trailed off. She thought of her and Shauna’s theoretical pink and green room. Then she remembered Shauna telling her she got into Brown. Why hadn’t she told her she got in? It had been two months since that conversation, and Jackie was still haunted. Had Shauna felt suffocated? Did she still feel suffocated? Was that why she wasn’t here?

“Jackie?” Mom asked, “Don’t you?”

“Maybe we should table this until later,” Dad said, “Jackie looks unwell.” Thanks, Dad. He had managed to be completely useless in the past ten minutes, but good for him, he “helped” her out by saying she looked horrible. Yet another thing Mom could complain about!

“Maybe we should. You look awfully ashen, dear.”

“You said that.”

“Not to worry. I’ve brought some makeup from the hotel.”

“No makeup in the ICU. Outside germs.” Whether or not that was an actual rule, Jackie didn’t know. But she didn’t want makeup put on her, and she knew her mom wouldn’t want to do anything that could potentially keep Jackie in the hospital longer , so she backed off. 

“I suppose we can sit for a bit,” Mom said. Or you can go . Jackie wanted to say it so badly, but she knew it would just make the woman stay longer. She was hoping she could fall asleep and bore her mother into leaving, but honestly, she felt more awake than she had in days.

“We saw Shauna,” Mom said after about the most excruciating ten minutes of silence. Jackie, who’d been trying to sleep, found her eyes popping open. She turned to her mom.

“You did? What did she say?”

“Oh now she awakes,” Mom said sarcastically.

“Well?” Jackie asked, not particularly caring for her mom’s annoyance.

“We spoke to her mother too,” she said in lieu of answering Jackie’s question, “Did you know Shauna was set to go to Brown?” No . Well, she guessed she did. But she hadn’t known before . And, if it hadn’t been for the crash, Jackie was pretty sure she’d find out when she arrived at Rutgers and her roommate was a total stranger. 

“Yeah, she told me,” Jackie said. What? It wasn’t like her mother asked when she told her.

“I thought you girls were set for Rutgers?” Dad asked. Jackie shrugged.

“Shauna had other plans.” Shauna had a lot of other plans, “What did she say when you saw her?”

“Well, she was absolutely embarrassed when we asked her about the baby.” Oh dear , “I mean honestly Jackie, I can’t imagine how you felt when you heard the news. Seventeen years old and pregnant? What a mess!” 

“I guess, but-”

“ Oh God, there was a boy out there with you, right?” Her mom dropped her voice to a whisper, “Was he the father?”

“No!” Jackie exclaimed, “Shauna was already pregnant when the plane took off.” Her mom gasped, and Jackie kind of regretted speaking.

“So…the father was someone else from school? Or was he not from school?”

“Mom-”

“Oh goodness , Jackie. You know, I always liked Shauna as a friend for you. She was always polite, and she seemed raised right, but wow . You can’t be too surprised. I mean, her father skipped out on her when she was young, so she never had a good role model when it came to a stable relationship with a man.”

“Jesus Christ, Mom,” Jackie grumbled. Surely the woman wasn’t suggesting that she and Jackie’s dad had a stable relationship? They slept in different beds, and her mother took ten different types of antidepressants to make it through the day. If anything, Ms. Shipman was the smart one. Sure, she never remarried, but she seemed a lot happier than Jackie’s mom ever did. 

“This is why I’m glad you found Jeff. He’s such a nice boy, Jackie. He would never treat you like this or leave you in this situation.” Oh wow . Jackie started to laugh. Like nearly fall out of the bed laugh . She laughed so hard that her tray shook, and her oatmeal nearly fell on top of her.

“Jackie? Jackie stop, you’re embarrassing yourself. Jackie!” Mom snapped, and when she didn’t, she eventually came over and started shaking her, “Jackie!” 

The shaking made her feel kind of woozy, so she had to stop laughing and lay back down. She coughed a little bit, and her mother shook her head.

“What got into you just now?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, really,” she said, “It’s just that…what you just said…” she started to laugh again, and this time, even her dad asked her to stop. She knew she was going a bit too far when he got involved, so she stopped herself, and faced her mother.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, “It’s really not funny.”

“Then what is it?” Mom asked irritably.

“Jeff,” Jackie said, “You said Jeff was a nice guy.”

“Well, isn’t he?” Jackie took a breath so she wouldn’t laugh again. She found none of this funny, it was sad, really. But the look on her mom’s face…God, she’d never get another opportunity to floor her like this again.

“You said Jeff was a nice guy.”

“Yes, I did.”

“Right…” How did she put this? “Mom, Jeff is…Jeff is…” Okay, this was kind of hard .

“Spit it out, Jackie,” Mom said, her impatience clear. Well, she’d told the story once before. She just needed to do it again.

“Shauna was fucking Jeff,” she said plainly, and she was pretty sure she saw her dad’s eyes nearly pop out of her head at her choice of words in front of her mother. Her mother didn’t look too upset with her, but she did look extremely shocked.

“Excuse me?” she asked.

“They were sleeping together. Jeff and Shauna,” Jackie said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, when two people-”

“I know what you’re talking about!” she snapped, “I’m asking how could you let this happen?” Jackie laughed again, but this time, she could feel tears in her eyes. Of course this was her fault. It obviously wasn’t Jeff’s, who’d cheated on her because she wouldn’t fuck him, and it wasn’t Shauna’s, who slept with Jeff because she couldn’t tell Jackie how she felt. Of course it was hers. Because it was always her fault when it came to her mom.

“Jackie, it’s not funny,” Mom said, her voice cold.

“It is though, right? I mean, Shauna’s going to an Ivy, like Dad did. And now she has Jeff’s baby. It’s everything you wanted for me, right?”

“Don’t be ridiculous! I would’ve never wanted you to have a baby this young.”

“Oh you are such a hypocrite!” Jackie exclaimed, “You told me I wasn’t good at keeping him interested!”

“I never said that!”

“Yes you did! You just didn’t think I was listening!” Mom tried to defend herself, but Jackie knew she had her.

“You know what? Let’s talk about something else,” she said.

“Whatever,” Jackie muttered.

“There’s a good part about all of this.”

“This doesn’t sound like something else.”

“The good thing is you and Shauna don’t have to associate with each other anymore. You can start all over in college.”

“Why won’t I associate with Shauna anymore?” she asked. Her mom frowned in confusion.

“You just told me she was… with Jeff. Why would you associate with her?” 

“I found out about Shauna and Jeff months ago,” Jackie said, “I’m over it.”

“Over it? Darling, you were in love with him-”

“No I wasn’t. I didn’t love him, Shauna didn’t love him, and he definitely didn’t love us.”

“Oh that’s not true-”

“Is he here? Hmm?” Her mom went quiet, and Jackie felt her heart sink, “He really isn’t here, is he?”

“He’s busy with school.” No he’s not . Jackie had no clue what he was up to in Baltimore, but she knew that if he really cared, he’d be here.

“Get out,” she said.

“Jackie-”

“Get out ! I want both of you out!”

“Why don’t you relax?” Mom asked.

“I don’t need to relax, I want you out!” she shouted.

“Christs sake, Jackie! You’re being ridiculous!” Mom said. Dad stood up, and placed a hand on Mom’s shoulder.

“Maybe we should go back to the hotel, and come back in the morning,” he whispered, but it was like Mom didn’t even hear him. 

“You know what your problem is, Jackie?”

“What? What is it?” Was it the plane crash, her cheating boyfriend, her ashen complexion, or hey! Maybe it was her long hair!

“It’s Shauna,” she said. Wait, what?

“Shauna?” Jackie asked.

“Yes. All day, all night for you is Shauna, Shauna, Shauna . You’re not thinking right, Jackie, and that’s why you didn’t see this coming.” Wow. Jackie wasn’t a stranger to her mom being, well, a bitch . But she’d never heard her speak so negatively about her relationship with Shauna. If anything, she was more upset about Shauna and Jeff fucking than Jackie had been. 

A year ago, maybe Jackie would have listened. Maybe she would have seen her point of view, and she would then plot on how to get Jeff back. It was the Taylor way. Never let anyone undermine you, and never let anyone take what was yours. But Jeff wasn’t hers. He never had, he never would be. And, maybe almost dying gave her a new perspective. Maybe she didn’t know what she needed, but she knew what she didn’t.

“My problem isn’t Shauna, Mom, it’s you !” Jackie snapped.

“Excuse me?”

“You told me to go after Jeff. I never loved him, I-I don’t even think I liked him that much!”

“You’re confused, you can’t say things like that.”

“Why not?” Why should she keep pretending to love Jeff if he’d given up on reciprocating months ago?

“You and Jeff were together for a long time. There’s no reason to believe that your feelings weren’t real.”

“Well they weren’t,” she said simply, then without thinking, added, “If anything, Shauna being with him hurt worse than him being with her. Maybe I just love Shauna more.” If there was ever a time for her to stop speaking, that would have been it. The expression on her mom’s face was…unreadable. She didn't look angry, which was kind of good, but on the other hand, she looked almost…defeated. 

“Shauna’s just your friend, darling,” Mom said, “It’s not the same.” What did that mean? She picked up her coat from her chair and said,

“Perhaps we should be going.” Her dad nodded in agreement. 

“Mom, wait!” Jackie called after her. It wasn’t that Jackie wanted her mother’s company, but she did need her to explain, “Mom!”

It was too late. Her mother had already left the ICU, and Jackie was alone until Erin came with lunch.

“Good afternoon, Jackie,” she said, “Did you enjoy speaking with your parents?”

“Yeah,” Jackie lied, and judging by the expression on Erin’s face, she was sure the nurse didn’t believe her, “It was great.”

Shauna

“Shh, shh,” she heard, “Hey, little guy.” Shauna opened her eyes, and looked forward. She saw Lottie Matthews sitting on the edge of her hospital bed, holding something in her hands.

“Lottie?” Shauna asked drowsily. Her teammate regarded her with surprise.

“Shauna, you’re awake,” she said.

“Are you holding my baby?” she asked.

“He’s so sweet,” Lottie said, “He hasn’t cried once since your mom left.”

“What time is it?” Shauna asked.

“A bit after three in the morning. Your mom had to go, but they let her keep the baby in here until you woke up.”

“What happened?”

“You passed out so the nurse needed to rehydrate you. I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d check in.”

“Thanks.” I guess. Shauna moved to a sitting position, and flipped the switch next to her bed to turn on the lights in her room. That was when he saw him. He was awake, with big brown eyes like hers. He was wearing a small blue hat, and his arms and legs were moving under his blanket. 

“Isn’t he beautiful?” Lottie asked.

“Very,” Shauna murmured. Lottie handed the baby to her, but Shauna found herself pulling away. Lottie frowned.

“What is it?” she asked.

“I…I don’t know. I don’t know why I did that.” She held out her arms, and Lottie made an attempt to give him to her, but she still couldn’t do it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, “my IV is bothering me. Can you just put him back in his bed?”

“Um, sure,” Lottie said. She got up from Shauna’s bed, and put the baby back in his little crib.

“Are you okay, Shauna?” How could she ask that? How could anyone ask her that?

“What do you think?” she asked.

“I keep trying to tell myself we’re okay, that we’re home. Then when I think about actually going back to Wiskayok, I feel sick.”

“I don’t want to go back,” Shauna admitted, “It’s not like I want to go back to the woods either, but…I don’t want to go there either.”

“Home is scary,” Lottie affirmed, “My dad’s been on the phone with lawyer after lawyer. Not to mention all the reporters.”

“If it helps, my mom won’t sue.” Lottie scoffed.

“Please. Sue him or don’t, I don’t care. We deserve something out of all this, don’t we?”

“It wasn’t his fault,” Shauna said, and Lottie just shrugged.

“You know we were supposed to take the regular plane, right? We had a bake sale to raise the tickets.” Shauna nodded. She and Jackie had attempted to make her mom’s famous brownies. After three failed attempts, they’d gotten a few boxes from the supermarket. They were delicious . 

“Then your dad got the plane, so we used the money on uniforms.”

“Right. The day of the sale, I remembered that Jackie asked me to bring the cash box. My dad had one in his office, so when I was going to get it, I found some forms in the drawers. Apparently he was going to set me up at a college in California after graduation. I didn’t even apply, he sent one in for me.”

“California is nice,” Shauna commented.

“Maybe. But application aside, he also had a note from my aunt out there who said she could take me in.”

“Take you in?” Lottie nodded.

“My parents planned on abandoning me after we graduated. When my dad found out I knew, he got me a plane to show he cared.” Damn…

“I’m sorry, Lottie,” she said.

“It’s fine. It is his fault, Shauna. Whether he wants to believe it or not.”

“What are you gonna do now?” She shrugged.

“Maybe I will go to California,” she said, “I don’t mind my aunt, and it’s not like I want to be with my parents.”

“I thought they weren’t around anyway.” Lottie shrugged.

“Given what’s happened, I think it’s better I go. I don’t want to give him any satisfaction.”

“That’s good, Lottie.”

“What about you?”

“I got into Brown,” she admitted, “Maybe I’ll go there.”

“You should. I bet they’ll hold a spot for you. The news stories they’d get out of you would be insane.”

“I feel so special.”

“Real world’s scary,” Lottie said, “Maybe we were better off in the woods.” It was a scary sentiment, and one Shauna was adamant about denying. Jackie had almost died in the woods, and so had her baby. But there was something so terrifying about the thought of going back to New Jersey that made her almost entertain Lottie’s idea.

“Yeah, maybe.” There was a knock on the door, and Shauna wondered if it was her mother, “Come in!” A nurse opened the door, saying she was there to check her vitals.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Lottie said, then whispered, “We’ll work on sneaking you into the ICU tomorrow.” Oh right . Of course she passed out right before she had a chance to see Jackie again!

“Goodnight!” Lottie called as she exited the room.

“Goodnight,” Shauna said. The nurse, who was cooing at her baby, stopped when she realized that Shauna was alone.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Fine,” Shauna said. The nurse took her blood pressure, told her that they could remove the IV, and that she seemed to be doing okay.

“The doctor thinks you passed out mostly from shock,” she said as she removed the line, “but I think fluids are always good just in case.”

“Sure,” Shauna said. The nurse cleaned her arm off, then said,

“You know, I’ve been with your friend, Jackie.” That piqued Shauna’s interest.

“How has she been?”

“Good. Physically.” She didn’t like that.

“What happened?”

“Her parents came in to see her.” That was all she needed to know.

“Please,” Shauna said, “I know it’s not allowed, but I need to-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” the nurse said.

“But I-”

“Listen. I work in the ICU ten hours a day. I usually take the night shift because my neighbors just had a baby, so being here gives me more peace.”

“Um, okay?”

“And when you work the night shift, you notice things. Like, sometimes, the nurse in charge of checking who goes in and out of the ICU gets a little lax. It’s night time, how bad can it get!”

“Uh huh.” Shauna kinda got what the nurse was saying, but she didn’t know for sure.

“And, most nights at around 3:30-4ish, she leaves her post all together so she can go and get a snack from the vending machine. She lives on her own schedule. Who wouldn’t at this time of night, am I right?”

“Right,” Shauna said, “So from 3:30 to 4…”

“The ICU is wide open. Isn’t that just crazy?”

“Super crazy,” Shauna said, checking the clock. It was about 3:16.

“Well, that’s all I’ve got for you. Have a good night!”

“You too, nurse-”

“Erin,” she said, flashing her badge, “Page if you need me!”

“Okay,” Shauna said. But tonight, she figured Erin had helped her enough. After Erin left the room, Shauna got out of bed. She knew her mom had brought some clothes for her, and she saw them draped over the couch in her room. She shed her hospital robe, and untied the gown, pulling on the shirt and pants. Mom left a flannel for her, too. It was probably the only one she owned that she hadn’t taken with her on their trip.

She pulled it on, and lowered the sleeves so they’d cover her IV port. She slid into the shoes her mom brought, relieved to be out of the awful hospital slippers. She tied her hair up in a ponytail, and was ready to leave when she remembered the elephant in the room. Well, the baby in the room.

He was awake and babbling as he moved his arms around. She couldn’t leave him, could she? No, definitely not.

“Come on, baby,” she said, “We’re going for a ride.” She rolled the baby out, hoping he would be quiet as she moved through the maternity ward. Almost everyone else was asleep, and she didn’t want to get caught by anybody. She made it to the elevator with no noise, but when it dinged to indicate that it arrived, the baby couldn’t take it, and he began to cry.

“Shh…shh,” she said, trying to get him to stop. It didn’t work, so she eventually just had to roll him in. Nat told her that the ICU was on floor 2, so that gave her 2 to try to get him to stop. 

“Come on, please stop crying. For me?” she asked. The technique usually worked on Jackie, so she was hoping it would be the same for him. It was never proven if it did, or if he just liked the ride, but by the time the elevator reached the 2nd floor, he was laughing again.

“Thanks for that,” she mumbled. She rolled him out, and, like the nurse said, there was no nurse by the door, and they’d left it open. She pushed her baby in, and looked in all the ICU rooms. As she looked at the state of all the patients, she realized that it probably hadn’t been wise to bring a baby in there. The patients were all in pretty serious condition, and it made Shauna worry for Jackie’s condition. What if she was on death’s door, and Shauna coming in just killed her?

“Shauna?” she heard. She turned around, and through the window, she could see Jackie. She wasn’t on like five hundred tubes like some of the other patients, but she didn’t look great. Shauna didn’t care though. Making sure she wasn’t moving the baby too fast, she made her way into the room as quickly as possible. Jackie was still in her hospital gown, and she had an active IV line, as well as machines monitoring everything, and a scary looking blood thing in the back. Jackie saw her looking, and she laughed.

“That’s called a bypass machine,” she said, “but I don’t need it anymore.” Thank God . She never saw him, but Shauna’s grandfather had been on bypass while waiting for a heart transplant. It hadn’t come in time.

“So you’re doing better?” she asked, and Jackie nodded, “That’s great.”

“I’m getting out of here soon,” she said, “Then we’ll see if my parents succeed in taking me back to New Jersey.” The smile on her face faded.

“They want to leave? You can’t, the doctors said-”

“You think my parents care about some doctors? My parents?” Yeah, there wasn’t much room to argue there.

“Well, maybe we can-” she started, but was cut off when the baby started to fuss. 

“Is he hungry?” Jackie asked.

“I don’t know, maybe? He keeps stopping and starting again.”

“Can’t you feed him?”

“No. Because of the bleeding and the stress nothing has come in yet. He’s been on a tube in the NICU that they just weaned him off.”

“Maybe rock him, I don’t know?” Jackie asked, “He’s really loud.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Shauna hovered over him. He was a crying squirming mess. Shauna was pretty sure if she picked him up, she’d just make things worse.

“You’re supposed to hold him to rock him,” Jacke said.

“I know, I just…” she trailed off, watching him cry. God, was he always gonna cry?

“You just what?” Jackie asked.

“I can’t!” Shauna exclaimed, “I can’t hold him.” Jackie raised an eyebrow, and for a second, Shauna was worried she would get mad. I mean, this was Shauna’s own fault, right? She’d made the mistake of sleeping with Jeff. She’d ruined things with Jackie, and now she could barely stand to touch the results. But it wasn’t just that. This baby was real. He was a whole person who was depending on her for comfort. And how could she give it to him, knowing what she and Jeff did had destroyed? 

And of course Jackie was mad. Hell, Jackie was probably extremely pissed that Shauna brought a living, babbling reminder of her boyfriend’s infidelity into her fucking ICU room. So Shauna figured she’d better go. 

“I’ve-we’ve-bothered you enough for the night. I’m just gonna-” she pointed to the crib, and made a move to leave the room, but Jackie stopped her.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“I thought I’d just-”

“You just got here,” Jackie said, “Why do you want to leave?”

“Oh. I thought you wanted me to.”

“Did I say that?” Shauna shrugged, and the baby just continued to cry.

“Here,” Jackie said, holding her arms out. Shauna stood there, dumbfounded, while the baby screamed his little heart out, “Shauna. Give me the baby!” 

“O-okay,” she said. She wheeled the baby closer, and Jackie shook her arms.

“I have a million little tubes in my body right now, I can’t do this all day.”

“It’s just that…” She had to hold him to give him to Jackie. 

“Oh my…” Jackie grumbled, moving her covers out of the way. Shauna nearly gasped when she saw the two scars on her legs.

“Oh yeah, that was crazy,” Jackie said when she saw Shauna looking, “They drilled IVs into my legs because I was so cold. Can you believe that?” Shauna had to be the worst friend in the world right now for letting Jackie move so much. But she couldn’t help it. She still could not touch that baby.

Jackie leaned over, picking up her son from the crib. Shauna eventually did step in and help Jackie back up against her pillow, and she put her blanket back on to keep her warm.

“You’re too kind,” Jackie said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. The baby was still crying, so Jackie bounced him for a little bit. He didn’t stop crying right away, so Jackie stuck a hand out for him, and he grabbed her finger. Soon her stopped crying, and began to play with it.

“Wow,” Shauna said. Jackie hated children-they both did-so she had no idea where any of this was coming from.

“I always wanted a little sister,” Jackie commented as she smiled at the baby, “I used to love playing with my baby dolls. I thought having a sister would be the same.” Shauna scoffed.

“What? No you didn’t! You hate children.”

“No,” Jackie said, “ You hate children.” Huh?

“What are you talking about? When we babysat for Mrs. Fratelli, we got frustrated after an hour and we ditched to go home.”

“Yeah, because you wanted to. I went without you a few times, and it went fine.”

“You never told me that!”

“Well, I do have a life outside you, you know,” she said with a smirk. Shauna rolled her eyes.

“Yeah duh , I knew that. I just thought that meant…”

“What? Jeff?” Shauna shrugged. 

“You two did spend a lot of time together.” Shauna pretty much lived under the assumption that when Jackie wasn’t with her or stuck with her parents, she was with him.

“Jeff could be…a lot,” Jackie admitted, “and sometimes, he could get suffocating.” Boy, did Shauna know about that . 

“You could’ve told me about this.”

“I tried to,” Jackie said, which was true. Jackie did complain about Jeff a lot, and they’d broken up about a hundred times during their four year relationship, but that word suffocated …

“Why didn’t we ever just talk about things?” Shauna asked.

“I guess it was easier when we didn’t,” Jackie said.

“It wasn’t right, though.”

“I know.” The baby started laughing, then proceeded to suck on Jackie’s finger. Shauna laughed.

“That’s so gross.”

“He needs a pacifier. Or something.”

“I’ve got it,” she said. She didn’t have a pacifier, but they’d left a plastic ring in his crib. She picked it up, and handed it to Jackie.

“Thanks.” She shook it over the baby, and he latched onto it, immediately forgetting Jackie’s finger.

“I’ll just…” she said, pointing to the sink at the side, and Jackie nodded. She got some soap for Jackie, and eventually had to sit on the bed to wipe off her hand.

“He’s cute,” Jackie commented, “He’s got your eyes.”

“I know,” Shauna said, leaning over to get a better look. She had to place her hands on Jackie’s shoulders to keep herself stabilized on the bed, and at first, she stiffened, but then her muscles relaxed under Shauna’s hands.

“And he’s small. I didn’t know babies were this small.”

“Well, he was a little premature,” Shauna said, leaning down to rest her chin on Jackie’s shoulder, “He’s a lot better now, though.”

“Hmm. Have you named him?”

“No, not yet.”

“Any ideas? I still like Jackie.”

“Hey, you said I could name him Jackie if you died, but you didn’t so…”

“You don’t know that. My heart is very fragile right now.”

“If your heart was fragile, then why did your nurse tell me you were doing better?” Jackie put her free hand to her heart.

“Erin doesn’t know me like I do.”

“Oh my God, Jackie,” she said as she shook her head, and as Jackie laughed, Shauna felt like she was being transported back to a time before any of this would happen. When Jackie would “accidentally” change her music in the car, and Shauna would pretend to be annoyed, but she would eventually just laugh because of how happy it made Jackie. 

“Wait that’s a good name for a baby, right? Erin. It works for a boy, too.”

“I don’t know, I’m not feeling it.” 

“Hmm. Michael?”

“Nah.”

“Steven?”

“No.”

“Walter?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Jeff Junior?”

“Jackie!”

“What? If anyone is allowed to joke about this, it should be me.” Shauna knew when to pick her battles, so she let this one go. 

“Do you seriously not have any name suggestions?” Shauna shook her head, “Well, how did your parents name you?”

“My parents were told I was going to be a boy,” Shauna said, “They picked Shaun Shipman after my great uncle. Then when they realized I was a girl, they picked Shauna.” Jackie burst into laughter. Shauna wasn’t sure why since that story wasn’t even that funny.

“What?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, but there’s no way,” she said, “ Shaun Shipman? ”

“Yes, he was my dad’s favorite uncle.” Jackie continued to laugh, “It’s not funny !” Jackie didn’t stop, so Shauna shoved her-lightly-but Jackie still acted like Shauna had straight up pushed her off of the bed.

“Ow!” she snapped, “That hurt.”

“It did not.”

“It did ,” she said, “and you almost hurt Ralph.”

“ Ralph ?” Shauna asked incredulously. 

“If you’re not gonna pick a name, I’m just gonna keep giving suggestions.”

“Can you at least give good ones?” Shauna asked, and Jackie gasped.

“I’m gonna try not to be too offended by that.”

“How did your parents pick your name?” Shauna asked.

“Well, if you must know, I was named after the one and only Jackie Kennedy.”

“Wait, really?” Jackie laughed.

“No,” she said, “My great grandmother was named Jacqueline. It’s a family name, too.”

“Well I don’t have any family names to give him.”

“Jeff’s dad is named Simon.” Jackie stroked the baby’s hair, “Are you Simon?”

“He’s not Simon,” Shauna said, “I’m not getting any names from Jeff.” An uncomfortable silence filled the room, and soon the only sound was the baby’s babbling as he played with his ring.

“If you name him, would you be able to hold him?” Jackie asked. 

“I don’t know,” Shauna said.

“He really is great. You and Jeff have…something great.” Shauna could hear the twinge of pain in Jackie’s voice. Pain she caused. How had they gotten to that? How was it, that after all they’d been through, that she was the one who’d ended up hurting Jackie the most?

“He’s not Jeff’s,” Shauna said, “I mean, technically he is, but he’s not. He’s my baby. Jeff means nothing to me.”

“Then why can’t you hold him?” Jackie asked, her voice breaking a little. 

“I told you, I don’t know.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“It’s not.”

“He’s your baby!”

“Well I didn’t want him!” Shauna snapped, “I never wanted any of this.”

“You just wanted to sleep with my boyfriend.”

“Don’t tempt me, Jackie.”

“I’m right, aren’t I? What, you just wanted to hook up with him while it was fun, then dump me at Rutgers and leave so I’d never find out?”

“Whoa! I never wanted to do that!”

“Then why can’t you hold him?”

“I told you, I don’t know!”

“ Stop saying that!”

“How can I stop saying it if it’s true?” Jackie rolled her eyes, and looked ready to respond when the baby started wailing.

“Now look what you did,” Jackie grumbled. 

“Me? You’re the one you started yelling!”

“Um no, that was you. It’s still you, by the way!”

“Shut that damn baby up!” came the voice of an older man from across the ICU.

“Great, we’ll wake the whole floor soon,” Jackie grumbled.

“I think I should go,” Shauna said, climbing off the bed.

“That’s probably for the best. Don’t forget your baby.” Shauna halted as her feet hit the ground. Jackie was still holding him, but she held him out to her. 

“He’s not even allowed in here. You shouldn’t leave without him.”

“I’ll get him,” Shauna said. She had to get him.

“Go ahead then,” Jackie said, “No one is stopping you.” Shauna felt frozen in place. The baby continued to cry and cry, and Shauna couldn’t move. Weren't mothers supposed to comfort their crying children? Shauna’s certainly always did.

“Shauna. Take him,” Jackie said.

“I can’t.”

“ Why ?”

“When I slept with Jeff, I said that I never meant to hurt you, but that was a lie.” The baby still continued to cry, but it still felt silent after that. The glare on Jackie’s face disappeared, and she looked like she was ready to cry.

“Then what’s the truth?” she eventually asked.

“I did want to hurt you,” Shauna admitted, “I wanted to hurt you so bad because of what you did to me. You made me feel so small, and I…” Her breath caught in her throat, and her lip quivered.

“You what, Shauna?” Jackie asked. 

“I loved you,” she said, “and I wanted to hurt you.” She looked at her baby, who was still continuing to cry, no longer soothed by his plastic ring. He was so small, so innocent. He hadn’t done anything to anybody, so Shauna couldn’t touch him. She couldn’t let that pain she caused get to him. She just wanted him to be perfect for as long as she could.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” Jackie said, “Maybe you can’t say the same anymore, but I can.”

“I know. That’s what makes it suck even more,” Shauna said.

“I thought I was helping you,” Jackie said through her tears, “I thought I was making you better.”

“By making me feel bad about every single thing about myself?”

“I never did that!” Jackie exclaimed, “At least, I never meant to…”

“Yeah well you did,” Shauna said, “Even if you didn’t realize it.” The baby’s cries were subsiding, but Shauna felt hers getting worse. God, she hated crying. She was still so embarrassed about crying in front of Taissa in the woods that day. Crying in front of Jackie and her baby was almost ten times worse.

“We really don’t know each other, do we?” Jackie asked.

“No, I don’t think we do,” she said. Jackie looked contemplative for a second, then she moved her hand, patting the side of her bed. Shauna went back to sit next to her, and she pulled her knees into her chest.

“I was really mad when I found out about you and Jeff. I ran scenario after scenario in my head on why you would do this to me, and then I realized that maybe if I paid more attention to you, I would have seen the signs.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Well I knew that. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t at fault. When we fought, you said things I didn’t want to hear, but I needed to. I was a horrible friend to you.”

“No, you weren’t. I was worse.”

“That’s true.”

“Hey!”

“I’m sorry, but cheating versus ignoring…”

“ Wow .”

“There’s a line I didn’t cross that you did, that’s all I’m saying.”

“You know what? That’s fair,” Shauna said.

“But also,” Jackie added, “It doesn’t excuse what I’ve done. So for that, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” she said, “For all of it.”

“Me too,” Jackie said. The baby babbled, seemingly calmed down. He was reaching towards her now, “You’re not going to hurt him.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I wouldn’t be here without you,” Jackie said, “because if you were going to hurt him or me, you would’ve just abandoned us like Jeff did.” 

“That’s…brutal,” Shauna said.

“Is it wrong?” She shook her head, “So what are you gonna do now?” 

“I…I think I’m going to hold my baby.” Jackie smiled.

“Good. Do you have any idea how weak your arms get after a billion IVs? If anything, you’d have to get over your personal strife for the sake of his physical safety.”

“And yet you’re still holding him.” Jackie blushed, then turned away-probably hoping Shauna hadn’t seen. 

“Yeah well, he’s cute!”

“Mmhmm. Are you gonna give him to me now?”

“Yep,” she said, but made no effort to hand him over.”

“Jackie…”

“Just five more seconds! Five more, I promise.” Shauna sighed, leaning against her pillow. It was about three more minutes before Jackie did hand her the baby. Shauna had never held a baby before in her life, and she immediately understood why it was different from a doll. Dolls were plastic, and they were meant to be played with. You could bend a doll, squeeze a doll, hell, you could even drop a doll a few feet without any real consequences.

Babies weren’t like that. Her baby was warm and soft, and she felt her arms shake as he was placed into them because if she made one wrong move, there was no telling what would happen.

“You got him?” Jackie asked.

“No, I don't think so,” she said. Honestly, she was kind of freaking out!

“You’re okay,” Jackie said, “Here, support his head like this.” She helped Shauna move her arms so the baby felt more secure.

“Better, right?”

“Better,” Shauna agreed, “Hi, little guy.” Part of her was worried that the baby would begin to cry again, but he just continued to babble and play with his ring.

“See, he likes you,” Jackie said. 

“Yeah, I guess he does.” She stroked his face with her pinkie, and watched as his eyes closed. She hoped it would always be this easy to get him to sleep.

“You think he’ll sleep for the rest of the night?” Jackie whispered, and Shauna shrugged.

“I hope so.” She had a lot of photos of her mom placing Shauna over her shoulder while she slept, so she tried it, and let out a sigh of relief as her son practically melted onto her shoulder. She rubbed his back, and looked over at Jackie, who watched them curiously.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” she said, “I just don’t get why you were so nervous, that’s all.” Shauna couldn’t believe that after everything, she was getting Jackie’s support. She was hoping it would make her feel good, but instead, that lousy feeling came back.

“Now that he’s down, I should probably get him back. I think the nursery will expect him there in the morning.” That wasn’t true at all, but Shauna was sure she’d overstayed her welcome.

“But we just got him down. Now we can talk,” Jackie said. Why did she want her to talk? And why did she keep stopping her from leaving? That wasn’t what ex friends did, right?

“It’s getting late, Jax. I should really take him.”

“It was late when you got here.” Oh God .

“He wasn’t asleep when I got here.”

“He’s a baby. He’s going to wake up within the next hour. You’re not going to want him to be alone in the dark nursery when he does.”

“Then what do you suggest we do?”

“Three things to get to know me.”

“What?”

“Three things to get to know me. We did it on our first day of practice freshman year.”

“Yeah I know. Why do we have to do it now?”

“I want to try again. I want us to try again,” Jackie said, “Don’t you?”

“I do but…

“But what? What are you afraid of?” Shauna shrugged.

“I don’t believe that people can change,” she admitted, “and I’m worried that no matter what we do, we’re just going to end up in this same cycle.”

“So what? Are we just over?” Jackie asked.

“I don’t want to be.” She felt her son start to squirm, so she patted his back until he settled down.

“Then what are we doing? What’s the point of any of this?”

“I don’t know,” she said. She hadn’t meant to yell, but it came out that way, and the baby started to cry, “Shit.”

“Nice, Shipman.”

“It wasn’t my fault!” she snapped, which made the crying worse, “Jesus fucking Christ…”

“Do you want me to-”

“No, I don’t want you to hold him, and I don’t want to do this with you. I’m going back to my room.”

“Shauna!” Jackie said. Shauna got up, and placed the baby back in his crib.

“I’ll-I’ll come back later,” she said.

“You know what?” Jackie said, “Don’t bother.”

“Jax-”

“No, if you don’t want to try, then there’s no point. Get out, we’re done.” The way Shauna saw it, she had two options. She could either stay with Jackie, apologize, and they could start over. But if she hurt Jackie again…there was no going back. So that left option two. Quitting while she was ahead. It would sting now, but Jackie would move on. And she’d be better for it.

“Okay,” Shauna said, “We’re done.” She took her son, and she left the room.

Chapter Text

Jackie

She was let out of the ICU two days later. Shauna wasn’t on the floor with the rest of them, which she should have been fine with. They were fighting, right? But instead, she was just sad. It would be easy to talk if they were to “accidentally” run into each other. Mari visited her first. She apologized for agreeing with the others that she should’ve slept outside that night, which was honestly surprising, but she still accepted it.

Akilah, Gen, and Melissa came one after the other, offering her kind words and well wishes. Misty came after them with Crystal, and Jackie feigned sleep before the two of them could launch into a rendition of The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow . Her parents came after them, but the three of them didn’t really talk. Her mom eventually left from boredom, dragging Dad with her, and Jackie was alone until late at night, when Nat came in. Nat was out of her Canada sweatshirt, and was in clothes that Jackie were pretty sure belonged to Lottie, since she’d seen them at the window of TJ Maxx.

“Sup, Captain,” Nat said.

“Do not call me that,” Jackie said crossly while Nat made herself at home, jumping on the bed, “The last thing I am right now is anybody’s captain.” Captain Jackie was excited about things like going to college with her best friend. The most excitement that Current Jackie got was when they took out her IV port.

“My bad, Captain,” Nat said, and Jackie scowled at her. She laughed.

“A bunch of us are gonna sneak out of here tonight. Want to come?”

“And do what?” Jackie asked.

“There are some shops and stuff a few minutes down the road that we were gonna check out.” Jackie wouldn’t mind going shopping. She was probably the only one left in the group who was still in her hospital gown.

“Uh, sure,” she said, “Wait, is Shauna coming?”

“Do you want Shauna to come?” Yes.

“No. I’d prefer it if she didn’t.”

“Well, that’s awkward because Lottie is asking her now.” Jackie felt her heart flutter, and she internally snapped at herself to stop, “but who knows? Maybe she’ll say no.”

“Maybe.” Jackie hoped she didn’t, though. The hospital therapist tried asking her about her conflicting feelings, but Jackie wasn’t really one to talk. She had to meet her for an hour a day, and most of that hour was spent with deflection.

“Shauna and I are done being friends, we both agreed on it,” Jackie said, “It doesn’t matter what I’ve felt before, it’s over.”

“And does that make it harder?”

“Hmm?”

“When you think about assimilating back into the real world, does the fact that you don’t have Shauna cause you more worry?”

“No.” Another lie . “I’m going to Rutgers, Shauna’s going to Brown. We won’t even be seeing each other anyway.”

“Okay,” she said, “Well, if that’s what you believe, then the good news is, you’re clear to go.”

“I am?” Jackie asked, wincing as her voice came out disappointed. She cleared her throat, “I am.”

“I have no reason to believe you’re a danger to yourself and others, and you seem to hold no reservations about re entering society. If the results of your latest physical are up to code, then I see no reason why you can’t be discharged.”

“So I could leave today?” she nodded, “I could be on a plane back to New Jersey tonight?”

“If you’re comfortable, yes.” No no no. If her mom found out about this, she would be back at her house by this time tonight. And she didn’t want to be in Wiskayok. She wanted to be with Shauna. It didn’t matter what she said. They weren’t finished. They couldn’t be.

“Are you sure that’s not a…little fast? I mean, everyone else has been coming to see you a lot longer than I have.”

“I mean, you said you have no worries. You don’t seem to have strong opinions about keeping up with your relationships, and you have no worries about going back to your daily life. Do you think I have any reason to keep you here?”

“Um, no I guess, but…”

“But what?”

“But I’m…I can’t,” she said.

“Why not?” This was embarrassing , “Is it because you’re not actually ready?”

“I’m not saying that!” she exclaimed, but she knew the therapist could tell she was lying.

“Jackie, it’s alright,” she said, “Nothing you tell me needs to leave this room. What’s on your mind?”

“It’s pathetic,” she admitted, “I just…I don’t want to rely on her anymore. Any time she tries to talk to me, she just shuts down. And I can’t leave things this way.”

“Good thing is, you don’t have to. I wasn’t going to clear you, I was just testing you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not meaning to deceive you, I was just taking a look at your emotional state. And now, you’re being more honest with me. This is a good thing, Jackie. We’re getting somewhere.”

“That was a mean trick.”

“You see mean, I see effective. Now, tell me this. How do you actually feel about going to college without Shauna?”

“Terrified,” she said, “She’s been my best friend since we were five years old. This is my first time going to a school without her. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“The good thing about higher education matriculation is that you’re in the same boat with a lot of other people. Going to college is all about leaving your old friends and finding new ones. But that doesn’t mean you have to leave the old ones behind. You just have the ability to open yourself up to more.”

“It’s not the same for us, though.”

“How so?”

“She slept with my boyfriend, had his baby, told me she loved me which apparently I can’t say back even though I want to say it back, oh, and she didn’t even tell me she got into Brown until we got stuck in the woods together. Yeah, I thought we were going to Rutgers together! I even planned out a room with both of our favorite colors! What if my new roommate hates pink and green? I already ordered the samples! Do you know how hard it is to find the perfect color of baby pink that matches that shitty deep green that Shauna likes? I don’t think you do!”

“Okay, you seem to have a lot of feelings. Why don’t we unpack this one by one? Let’s start with the boyfriend. Were you two serious?”

“Oh, extremely. And Shauna knew that, too! She was the one who helped me ask him out in the first place!”

“So this betrayal was pretty severe.”

“ Very severe. Like, she knew how I felt about him, and she still slept with him.”

“But you still love her.”

“What?”

“The rest of your statement. You said you want to tell her that you love her.”

“I mean, yeah, I love her. She’s my best friend.”

“Even after the betrayal?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Uncomplicate it for me, then.” Jackie shrugged.

“ Jeff and I were serious, but we weren’t in love. At least, I didn’t love him. Well, I thought he loved me, but given what I know, he probably didn’t.”

“And with Shauna? How does she fit in?”

“ I thought I could trust her with anything. But in the past two months alone, I found out everything I thought to be true was a lie. And I hate how I feel that way!”

“Do you hate Shauna?”

“No, and that confuses me even more. She hurt me in one of the worst ways possible, and I can’t bring myself to hate her because I love her so much! I even offered to be there to help deliver her baby! Who does that?!”

“A friend, a lover, a parent,” the doctor said, “Basically anybody who loves another unconditionally. And from what I understand of your relationship with Jeff, his love was conditional.”

“I don’t know what that means,” she admitted.

“That’s okay,” she said, “In layman’s terms, Jeff only loved you if you gave him something. You love Shauna despite what she’s done.”

“That sounds toxic.”

“It’s not, actually. This is the kind of love we deserve, that you deserve.” 

“Well it’s not what I get.” Not from Jeff, and certainly not from her parents.

“Not even from Shauna?”

“She says she loves me,” Jackie said, “She couldn’t even hold her fucking baby because she was afraid she’d hurt him like she hurt me.”

“Do you believe she loves you?”

“Yes.” That was the truth, “She gets all weird about it sometimes, though. See, she claims that she only slept with Jeff because I never said I love her back. But that can’t be true, right?”

“I don’t know. I’m not Shauna, I can’t speak for her one hundred percent.”

“Well what can you do?”

“I can advise you to stop ignoring her. I can tell you that shutting each other out isn’t healthy for either of you. But you’re both going to have to start putting in the work if you want things to get better.”

“I kicked Shauna out of my room. It might be too late.”

“Well, neither of you are going anywhere for now, so you’ve got a place to start, hmm?”

“I guess.”

“Good. Let’s talk about the baby.”

“Why?”

“Because you want Shauna in your life, but there’s also the fact that she is the mother of Jeff’s baby. This could cause a lot of stress in the future, and I want you to be sure that you’re ready to handle it.”

“It’s hard,” she admitted, “He’s just a little baby now, but who knows what’ll happen later.”

“How important is your relationship with Shauna to you?”

“Very important,” Jackie said, “She’s…she’s the only person who gets me. But she’s also the person in the world who’s hurt me the most. How does that even happen?”

“Life is complicated.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“And it doesn’t always turn out the way we expect.”

“I think I learned that when my plane that was supposed to be taking me to a national championship fell out of the sky. Like, we were winners , you know? How did we fall so far?” How did I fall so far?

“Jackie, when you look at that baby, do you see Shauna and her mistakes?”

“Kind of. But I also see this innocent baby. And he’s a really cute baby. Plus he looks so much like Shauna, which I hope stays constant throughout his life, not that I care too much if he looks like Jeff because he came from Shauna and that makes him kind of the best kid ever, right?” The therapist didn’t answer, just blinking twice.

“Am I passing, or…”

“I’m not testing you,” she said, “I’m just trying to paint a picture.”

“What have you painted?” she asked. 

“I think that you know how you feel. You’re just too afraid to say it out loud.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Wow .

“I mean, I’m mad,” Jackie said, “Well, I was mad.”

“But you’re not anymore?” She shook her head.

“Look. It hurt. It hurt a lot . Shauna cheated on me, and-”

“Jeff cheated.”

“Hmm?”

“ Jeff cheated on you. You said Shauna.” Had she?

“Uh yeah, I meant Jeff.” I guess . A moment of silence passed.“But if I had said Shauna, what does that mean?” 

“I don’t know, I’ll leave you to think about it. We are out of time, but good work today. I’ll see you this time tomorrow.”

“Um, thanks I guess?” She didn’t feel like her therapist gave her any actual real help today, but hey, at least insurance covered her. 

Though, insurance or not, Jackie was still annoyed. I’ll leave you to think about it? Think about what ?! Shauna, the baby, her cheating ex, her parents? It was all too much! She needed a nap, or like, a coma. Just anything to shut her head off for a few more minutes.

She went back to her room to do just that, but she came to a quick halt when she looked in and saw her parents. Who even allowed them in her room without her? Dad was reading a magazine while her mom spoke to someone with her room phone. Jackie couldn’t make out every word she was saying, but the minute she made out “interview” and “stylist” she knew that her entering the room would lead to a fight, so she turned away. The other girls’ parents were also scattered throughout the floor, and Jackie didn’t want to talk to any of them, so she slipped into the elevator. 

She went up a few floors, thinking she’d picked peds, but when she stepped out of the elevator, she realized she’d picked maternity.

“Great,” she whispered. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Shauna. The problem was that she did want to. And she knew that was what her therapist wanted her to think about, but Jackie didn’t want to. It was as simple as that. She’d been through enough without the added mental torture of trying to figure  out her complicated relationships. 

But her will to relax was overtaken by her desire to check in on Shauna. She knew she was in the last room on the right-she’d gotten Nat to tell her that much-but she had to stop in her walk when she saw Deb Shipman. 

Jackie had no problem with Deb. She loved Deb, and Deb loved her. That being said, she couldn’t talk to Deb, because she didn’t know where Deb stood. Did she feel bad for Jackie, or did she support Shauna to the point where she no longer wanted anything to do with Jackie? The latter made sense . Shauna was her daughter, after all. Parents were supposed to support their kids, not the best friend that caused their child’s crisis of identity in the first place. So Deb Shipman, definitely not on her side. 

Deb’s eyes nearly met with hers, so Jackie ducked behind a drug cart just in time. She peeked out from behind it, and was relieved to see that Deb was turned away, but Jackie was still unsure about whether or not she’d be able to make it back to the elevator.

“Who are we hiding from?” someone whispered, and Jackie jumped, banging her head against the top of the cart.

“Ow!” she exclaimed, whirling around to see Lottie, “What the hell, Lot?”

“Who are we hiding from?” she asked again in lieu of an answer. Jackie rubbed her head, giving her a harsh glare.

“Shauna’s mom,” she mumbled. Lottie got on her knees, leaning over to the side.

“Hmm,” she said, “I have an idea. Walk with me.” Jackie didn’t have many other options, so she followed Lottie’s lead. Lottie stood up, crouching down to the level of the cart, and began to pull it with her. Jackie, refusing even the slightest chance of being seen, crawled on the ground until them and the cart were a safe distance away. 

“Thanks,” she said, pulling herself to her feet, “I just couldn’t deal with Ms. Shipman now, you know?”

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I get it,” Lottie said, “I’m avoiding my parents, too.”

“Deb’s not my mom,” Jackie said.

“Well, are you avoiding your mom, too?”

“Maybe.”