Chapter Text
[On June's muted TV: MSNBC, Alex and Henry's official engagement portrait. The ticker along the bottom of the screen reads: BREAKING: FORMER FSOTUS AND PRINCE HENRY ENGAGED. PRINCE OF ENGLAND'S HEARTS TO RELINQUISH TITLE]
Direct Message: itty bitty baby bro
itty bitty baby bro
911
dusty sage or eucalyptus
bug
bug
dusty sage or eucalyptus, bug
smh im switching to the group chat
Group chat: The Best Men
itty bitty baby bro
911
dusty sage or eucalyptus
irl chaos demon
are we allowed to get any context or vibes only
Little Lord Fuckleroy
The wedding planner is making us choose the colour palette before our next meeting. My fiancé is handling this as well as he handles most deadlines.
itty bitty baby bro
i’d ask you to smother me with a pillow and put me out of my misery but with the way things are going someone would probably make me choose if i want the pillowcase to be ivory or champagne
beetlejuice
Side note, just saw your official engagement photo on MSNBC. Looks beautiful!! Way better than the one you sent me.
[image: a photo taken a few minutes after Henry had proposed. It’s a blurry selfie. Alex is showing off his ring, face turned towards Henry, tongue out like he’s trying to lick Henry. Henry, face bright pink from a mixture of happiness and proposal stress, has his hand shoved into Alex’s cheek trying to keep Alex from licking him]
itty bitty baby bro
rude
im giving you like a c minus at best on your best man report card
beetlejuice
Hey Alex??
itty bitty baby bro
yes???
beetlejuice
I just found out about this traditional wedding custom you might find interesting.
It's called ACTUALLY ASKING YOUR BEST MAN TO BE YOUR BEST MAN
itty bitty baby bro
dude youre my sister
i just assumed
it's implied, is it not
and i made this group chat, what more do you want from me
Little Lord Fuckleroy
My sister isn't my best man. It's not implied, darling.
Auntie Pezza
Dearest Henry,
Please convey to your lovely sister my deepest apologies for robbing her of the position that is rightfully hers. I am willing to follow in your footsteps and relinquish my title, should she prefer.
All the Best,
Percy Okonjo
irl chaos demon
why are you talking like that
also
1. yes this counts as you asking me, 2. yes i will be one of your best men, 3. you should’ve given that picture to msnbc instead
Little Lord Fuckleroy
@Nora, Pez overheard me on a conference call one time and apparently thought I sounded too formal, and is now exclusively talking to me in corporate speak. I'm never working from home again.
@Pez, Bea literally begged me to let you plan the bachelor party. She's thrilled that you're best man.
Auntie Pezza
Dear Henry,
Thank you for your quick reply. I'll take your contributions under consideration. Let's table that discussion for now. We can pick it up at our weekly tag-up.
Sincerely,
Percy Okonjo
irl chaos demon
your commitment to the bit is so hot
itty bitty baby bro
guys
dusty sage or eucalyptus
Direct Message: itty bitty baby bro
1 day later
itty bitty baby bro
i know ive been giving you shit about it, but i really do understand where you're coming from with the best man stuff
lemme be #vulnerable for a sec
as much as ive missed you since you moved, it also makes me happy to see you living the life you choose, not the one mom and dad want for you. you set clear boundaries with the press and they’ve finally backed off since mom left office. and i’m like. proud of you.
and if being best man puts you in the spotlight too much and threatens your privacy, then i get it.
all that matters is that you're there.
ily or whatever
beetlejuice
Love you too, little bit
And I talked to Zahra and the press team, they say they could probably keep things on the DL
Let me think about it
Group chat: The Best Men
2 Days Later
beetlejuice
ALEXANDER GABRIEL CLAREMONT-DIAZ
[image: Photo taken in June's apartment's living room. Small hand-written note on the coffee table: "June, will you be my.” Next to the note: neon orange booty shorts with the words "BEST MAN" across the ass]
irl chaos demon
ALSKDKFKGLSLASKSKSKSKSKSK
itty bitty baby bro
so that's a yes?
irl chaos demon
as co-best man do I also get one
itty bitty baby bro
sure
do you want the matching orange or would you prefer dusty sage or eucalyptus (my wedding colors are riding on this)
irl chaos demon
orange pls
june and i are a TEAM
gotta have cohesive brand identity
Auntie Pezza
Dear Henry,
May I please have one as well?
Warmest Regards,
Percy Okonjo
Little Lord Fuckleroy
You may not.
beetlejuice
That’s a yes.
[image: Mirror selfie, June wearing the BEST MAN booty shorts]
itty bitty baby bro
LET'S GOOOOOOOOOO
irl chaos demon
👀
Auntie Pezza
👀
Clipping: People Magazine
2 weeks later
Clarence House announced today the not-so-royal wedding will take place this October. Former FSOTUS Alex Claremont-Diaz and Prince Henry, who gave up his HRH title last month, will tie the knot in an intimate ceremony at an undisclosed location. Sources close to the happy couple have hinted that the event may be taking place in Alex’s home state of Texas.
Claremont-Diaz and Prince Henry released a statement requesting privacy for themselves and their wedding guests. Could the reclusive California journalist June Claremont-Diaz be the reason for such secrecy? Or is the soon-to-be Claremont-Diaz-Fox-Hanover-Stuart family entering a new, more private, chapter of their lives?
Group chat: The Best Men
itty bitty baby brother
SOS
i made the mistake of suggesting mint green in front of pez
irl chaos demon
alex just learned what the word "cheugy" means
itty bitty baby brother
sounds fake but ya know what, i get it
don’t worry pez, there will be no custom neon signs at the wedding
Auntie Pezza
If I hear the words "rose" and "gold" anywhere near each other I'm speak now taylor’s version-ing this wedding
Little Lord Fuckleroy
I BEG YOU TO NOT.