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He was and always had been the arrogant type. Narcissistic possibly, and a bit self-centered. The type who does things for himself. Selfish, no doubt. And those were personality traits that Kogami Shinya perfectly accepted. After all, a man like him does not escape death so many times by ignoring his flaws.
In retrospect, he would say that he had made a lot of mistakes. Too many perhaps.
He had wins, he also lost a lot in this long journey, but he has always stood by his convictions. Firm in his decisions, he has done what he had to do. But beneath the image of a strong man, there is also a simple man. Someone who sees a lot in black and white, good and bad, strong and weak. So when he came face to face with Akane Tsunemori, Kogami found it hard to understand why being stronger than her meant absolutely nothing. Why?
She was and always had been the selfless type. Anything but self-centered. Unlike him, who did things for himself, she had always lived for others, or rather for an ideal involving others. And perhaps that was why he was able to show himself vulnerable to her, to let her see his own dreams, if only for a minute.
-With a boss like you I may be able to work as a detective, not just a hound.
Kogami understands little of the reasons she has for gratitude, but the look on her face, as tears, a mix of joy and confusion, rolls down on her face is something he keeps in his memory even long after that.
That had been his first mistake. One of a long chain that would drag on throughout his life, but even now he didn't know if any of it could have been avoided. Sometimes he feels they were inevitable.
Why do inspectors and enforcers, whose responsibility it is to protect people, hunt them? Why can't justice, which should be used for the good of the people, can´t judge those who hurt them?
-Kogami-san, will you always be a detective? Can you promise me that?
-Yeah.
That had been the worst mistake.
Perhaps he was strong but he was not brave, not in the face of that broken promise, he could not face her, perhaps he never would. So he left his words in writing, he thought perhaps that way he could break that connection, one of pain and death. And wrongs.
Akane wasn't a fool, she knew what she was getting herself into. But she was stubborn, he can recognize himself in that. Still, to see her carrying a gun, pointing it at his head in the middle of a war that was neither his nor hers was never in his plans. Not a fool, but perhaps too much trust in him, in the idea that he could change.
-You may not mean it, but you do have something like a gravity that draws people in. The same kind Makishima had.
-Are you saying I´ll end up like him in the future?
-No, you have no ambition to control others, that's the biggest difference between you and Makishima.
Kogami did not intend to wash his hands. Blood stains would never be washed away.
But...
Was a better future possible? One where he would be able to reciprocate her trust. The relief after hearing those words made him believe that yes, it was possible.
-If we both survive, come try to catch me again.
Whatever that means, hopefully they meet again.
But in the end, despite his best efforts, he always brought trouble to someone. No matter where he was, violence followed him, or maybe he attracted it? He tried to show a world of hope to Tenzing, one where revenge was not the answer. But when he had to answer his own injustice, he did not hesitate to respond with violence. Was this all he could be?
Thousands of miles away a group of people were trying to create a world for people like Tenzing, a world where she had a chance.
-That is the influence of Tsunemori Akane.
Saying her name always leaves him with a sense of longing, so he avoids saying it or even thinking it, thinking about her, thinking about all of them, about what he left behind. Their relationship was always like that, she set the tone, he cleared the way. Could he go back to that? Was there still a place for someone like him in the world she was creating? Out here Kogami didn't feel he could make much difference, not anymore. But maybe if he came back he could still help, he could make sense of who he always was. So he went home.
-Tell me about your travels next time.
He was different, he knew, he was still a man guided by emotions, sometimes impulses, but he was self-aware, Kogami knew what he was doing, and even if he didn't enjoy it, this was what he could and had to do to help her, to get her out of there. To play at least a small part in this.
This promise he could not break.
Because he was selfish, and always had been, and more than she needed him, he needed her. But he couldn't tell her all that, he could only say sorry.
-There is nothing to apologize for, Kogami-san.
That was a lie. In reality, there were too many things to apologize for.
Still she smiled at him and kept her hope in him. Maybe they didn't understand each other in essence but they couldn't deny each other, that sense of inevitability always remained between them. Kogami Shinya was a simple man and she....
She decided to hold him close. And Kogami knew there was no reason for them to be together, he couldn't think of a single good reason to stay with her like this, but if she would let him, he wouldn't deny her, he never could, even thousands of miles and years apart. Especially now, like this, next to her, in her home, in her bed, in her heart.
And in those private moments when in the dark of night he kissed every part of her body, her back, her neck, her face. Every scar, those on her skin and those out of sight. He held her close too.
They were only human, and as such they clung to each other and what they believed in, and tried to make things work. Akane was one who would always stand up for justice, he still didn't know what he should do but there he would stand by her. Kogami would be there every day that she allowed him to. Making sure she didn't stray from her path, that she did not lose faith in herself, even if he went off his path and lost everything it didn't matter, he no longer had salvation but she could bring salvation to the world, she saved him more than once.
-Are you all right? -he heard her whisper. -I can hear you overthinking.
-Yeah... -he said, sliding his fingertips along the nape of her neck.
-Are you all right? -she asked again. She remained motionless against him, her eyes closed and her cheek resting on his chest.
He only nodded and gently pressed his lips against her temple -I´m fine.
-Hey, happy birthday old man
Kogami felt that same feeling, the same weakness that years ago, when he first met her, coursing through his body although now perhaps that feeling had a different name. And being honest with himself, Kogami didn't need an answer to anything else.