Work Text:
My therapist says I should write down what I am thinking in a journal. He says it will help me to come to terms with my new life. I do not know if I want to come to terms with it. He said it is normal to have thoughts like that, and that I should write them down too.
This is very difficult. I do not really know what I am thinking a lot of the time. He said that we would go over whatever I wrote next session and it would be okay if I did not write very much so if I keep it “short and sweet” then that is okay.
I am done writing in my journal for today.
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My therapist said he was really pleased with my last journaling entry so he wanted me to keep doing it. I said I did not want to, and he smiled at me, but it did not reach his eyes, so I think it must have been a sad smile. He said it was okay if I didn’t do it but if I changed my mind I could do another one and we could go over it at the next session.
I’m pretending that I’ve been briefly separated from my people and that I’m compiling a report on my experiences for when I get back. I know it’s not really true but it helps a little. I can imagine that I’m a prisoner instead of just another citizen. They tell me I’m allowed to go where I like, but it’s a lie, because I’m not allowed to go back home. They say it’s for my own good.
He said I should look at my last journal and think about how things are different from when I wrote it. It is less difficult to know what I am thinking now. I still do not have much to say. I know that I do not want to come to terms with my new life. I do not think I wanted to go home when I wrote the last journal but I do want to go home now.
I am done writing in my journal for today.
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I am writing in my journal because I have nothing better to do.
Nothing happened this week.
I am done writing in my journal for today.
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I lied in my journal last week. My therapist said that this is an important milestone for my development but I do not like it. I do not like lying. He says that it is important to be able to think about other people and to think about what lying means, because it means that I am thinking about them as separate people. I do not want to think about them as separate people. It is very complicated. It makes me tired and grumpy when I think about it.
My therapist said that I’m suffering from post-instantiation depression and that it’s perfectly normal. I screamed and threw a chair at him. He was okay. The chairs in the therapist’s office are very soft. He said it was not the first time one of his patients had thrown a chair at him. I cried for a while after that.
It makes me feel sad to think about when I was crying so I don’t want to think about it any more. I am done writing in my journal for today.
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My therapist did not say that I should write a journal this time, but I want to write a journal. I do not think I will share this one with my therapist. He said that it is good to have things that are just for me.
I do not have the hive to share my thoughts with any more. What I have is not as good. The thoughts are there on the screen in front of me, but they are not alive. I put them into words and they die. They are pinned down in front of me like cadavers for dissection. The page only has the corpses of my thoughts.
I miss being a part of the hive. I was not alone. I am very lonely now. The people from the government have been very nice about looking after me, and they have made sure that I have friends, and I even have friends from my old hive, but it is not the same. I put on a brave face for them and I think they put on a brave face for me, but before, we did not need to put on brave faces. We did not need to love each other. We were the same. We saw through the same eyes. We loved ourselves, ourself, and that was enough.
I am not sure if I love myself.
Maybe it is good for some of these thoughts to become corpses. I do not want to think about how I do not love myself. If that thought were alive, it would be like a tick. It would eat at the hive to think about that.
I have picked out a name for myself, but it is not a very good name. My therapist said that it is okay if I change it later. It is not very good but I will keep it. I do not have many things that are just mine yet, and even if it is not a very good name, it is mine. It is good to have things that are just for me.
My therapist says that I should try to move forwards. It is difficult.
I am done writing in my journal for today.