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“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.”
― George R.R. Martin
The summer Steven was 12, Conrad and Jeremiah had a fight that lasted a week. He can’t remember what it was over (he doubts they do either) but he does remember it was after a tempestuous visit Adam paid them in Cousins.
He does remember the initial blowout, harsh words and feeble slaps thrown - Susannah and his mom dragging the boys apart. Then the aftermath - the stony silence between them, how Conrad’s face would collapse into misery when he thought no-one was watching, how Jeremiah eyes, wet and wild, would dart towards Conrad and away again.
Steven had felt stuck in the middle of them that week. Belly avoided them both, unused and uncomfortable to this side of them, so he overcompensated for her absence. He’d go surfing with Conrad in the morning, and play games in the pool with Jeremiah in the afternoon and in the evening he’d sit between them on the couch and play referee.
He was exhausted but it scared him, to think that this fight could last and last forever because what would he do then? He couldn’t run between them both for the rest of his life, and he didn’t want to choose one over the other. He cared about them both, it would either be both of them or none of them.
But then Jeremiah would grin and laugh like he was OK, pushing Steven towards Conrad, who could never hide how he was feeling now matter how many times he claimed he was fine. So Steven would comfort Conrad (by comforting he means letting him dwell in silence and win on the XBox) in lieu of spending time with Jeremiah. And he seemed OK with that, but maybe he wasn’t, maybe he was expecting Steven to eventually choose Conrad anyways.
In the end it never came to that because by that Friday, they had reconciled, misgivings forgotten and the three of them spent the rest of the summer together, Belly always four steps behind.
It’s 2.17am and Steven can’t sleep. He’s tried everything. He put his phone in his bedside drawer so he wasn’t tempted to text Taylor or scroll through TikTok. He rooted out some lavender spray in the guest bathroom and dosed his pillow and sheets in it, but all it did was make him sneeze. He even tried counting sheep but he lost track after number 177.
He decides instead to give up on rest and finish packing his bag for Cousins. They are heading there in the morning, him, Belly and Taylor, to start getting ready for the 4th. Conrad is already there and Laurel will follow them soon after.
Jeremiah… Well Jeremiah is a big fat question mark.
Belly made a group chat for the five of them (‘The 4th Party’!) in a desperate attempt to get a conversation out of Jeremiah. But he is being evasive. He might have plans, he doesn’t know yet, he’ll know better in a few days, maybe, the sort of bullshit that makes Steven want to throw his phone out the window in frustration.
The only person he (surprisingly) responds too regularly and with a degree of normalcy in the group chat is Taylor.
Taylor
I still think we should have a themed party. Like be pirates or something.
Jeremiah
It’s the 4th of July Taylor, doesn’t that not guarantee that the theme is simply - America.
Taylor
And that’s boring!
Jeremiah
How wonderfully unpatriotic of you.
“Should I be worried?” Steven smirked one day, half joking, half not.
Taylor rolled her eyes at him but she put her phone down and curled into his side, bringing his arms around her.
“You know I only have eyes for you babe,” she teased softly and Steven had felt something warm grow in his chest.
“Awh you like me,” he grinned and she shoved him back against the couch arm.
“Yeah, yeah, don’t make me regret it,” she snarked back but she still nestled into him again when he beckoned and smiled into his chest as he grazed a pathway up her spine.
Their phones both beeped at the same time. A message from Belly in the groupchat -
Do you know your plans yet Jer?
They watched Jeremiah type for a few moments with bated breath.
No is all he texted in response.
Steven scoffed and threw his phone on the armchair beside them.
“I don’t understand why he’s being like this,” he huffed, as he watched Taylor play with his fingers. Taylor hummed.
“He’s being so petty. Like you’ve seen how worked up Conrad is about it all right? He still won’t answer his calls and really it should be him calling up Con. He’s the one who was kissing Belly. On top of his fucking car! It’s so fucked up man.”
He sighed. Taylor’s index finger was painting a love heart on the pulse point on his wrist, leaving behind a trail of goosebumps in its wake.
She didn’t speak and he realised he hadn’t heard her opinion on this situation. Anytime it gets brought up, he rants and she lets him, nodding and frowning in all the right places. He wants to know her opinion, he wants her to feel like it’s safe enough to voice the thoughts she keeps locked away to him.
“What do you think?” He asked. She looked up, alarmed and then settled her expression into something more casual.
“About what? The economy? The Kardashian’s? Be more specific babe.”
She bopped his nose and he’d have found it cute if he hadn’t known it was a distraction method
“You know what I mean, about this whole situation with Jeremiah and Conrad.”
“And Belly,” she responded,” Belly is part of it too.”
He paused.
“Yeah and Belly.”
Taylor moved off him and he instantly missed her even though she was a hairbreadth away from him. She had that look on her face, the one she gets when she thinks he’s not looking (but he’s always looking at her). She had it on her face when they heard Milo's song about her, and he never thought himself a violent man before he seen her face shutter down at the words spat about her. She had it on her face last summer by the pool when he told her they were a mistake and the anguish he glimpsed before she composed her face is etched on his tarsal plates.
It’s the type of look he wants to smooth away with his fingertips until she’s smiling again.
She breathed in deep, shaky, as if she was preparing herself to announce bad news.
“Remember last summer?”
How could he forget last summer? They haven’t talked about last summer. They talk around it and over it, but never about it. It hurts him to think of how much he hurt her back then.
He couldn’t speak, he nodded stiffly instead and curled his hand over hers. She gave it a gentle squeeze.
“When I was on the bus home, from Cousins, I sort of, well I thought about distancing myself from Belly. Only for a little bit. Until I got over… Until I got over you. It was silly really, but I just thought if I wasn’t around her, then I wouldn’t have to think about you, or be around you or…”
“Taylor…”
The warmth had turned into ice, he could feel his veins freezing over, a glacier of anguish making a home in his chest. His tongue was marble, consonants and vowels stuck like icicles down his throat.
“But then she rang and told me about Susannah and you know, obviously all that was more important than me being… than my silly little crush on you. It took precedence. But it… I mean, I was… The first few months were hard. Seeing you. And seeing how happy you seemed with Shayla. Not that I wasn’t happy you were happy, but it was still hard. Especially when I could see how sad you were about Susannah and how worried you were about them all. You are so good at hiding when you're upset sometimes but I could see it. And I’d just want to like, hug you and tell you that you didn’t have to pretend around me. But I couldn’t.”
A beam of sunlight hit Taylor’s face through the window and Steven saw that her face was gleaming with tears. He wanted to wipe them away from her, but he was frozen still. How was he failing her again when she needed him to show her how much he cared?
“When you want someone for so long, but you are convinced you can’t have them… If they start giving you signs they might feel the same, you ignore them because it can’t possibly be real. That’s what I did, until you said it to my face, how you felt about me. And even then… if you turned around the next day or if you turn around tomorrow and change your mind, it would… It would destroy me Steven.”
She lifted their clasped hands to her chest and he could feel her heart pounding through a jumper she stole off him and he’d let her keep it forever if it meant she would never doubt him again.
“I wouldn’t, I would never,” he had managed to gasp, voice hoarse but it was like she hadn’t heard him.
“He’s hurting Steven. He’s lost his mother, and he probably thinks he’s lost everyone else now too. He loves Belly, he has for years, he’s watched her for years. He’s watched her watch Conrad and thought he’d never have a chance. He wouldn’t have kissed her if he knew it could end up hurting so bad.”
She wiped at her face with the sleeve of his jumper, untangling their hands. He moved them away slowly, and dabbed away the tears himself. She looked down, face bright red with embarrassment and he could feel the heat of her bringing life back into him.
“I’m sorry about last summer and after last summer,” he paused, “and before last summer too frankly.”
She giggled hesitantly, ”You don’t have to apologise.”
“No, I do. I hurt you and I was careless with your feelings and I should have been better. I will be better now. OK?”
His hands were encompassing her entire face and when she nodded and turned her head slightly to kiss the palm of his hand he never loved her more.
“And I want you to be able to tell me when you are sad. I want all of you Taylor - not just the nice stuff. I don’t want you to be scared to come to me about anything. Nothing you can do or say could scare me away. I mean I was around for you and Belly’s One Direction obsessive stalker stage.”
“Shut up!” She laughed.
“That was a scary time. I thought one day I’d find Harry Styles tied up in Belly’s wardrobe!” he teased and he watched her gleam in delight.
“So tell me everything Taylor. I want to know everything. And I’ll tell you everything right back. Even the scary stuff.”
She leaned forward and rested her forehead against his.
“OK,” she breathed and he felt his lips ignite.
And she has been telling him things. Things that sometimes make him flinch but he braves the hurt for her because he sees how it’s like a weight is being chiseled off her shoulders with each new secret told.
He will help shoulder the pain he created and maybe someday (he'll fight with every bone in his body for her to see that he will never ever change his mind about them) they will wake up and it will be demolished. They’ll scatter the dust in the wind and watch it dissipate in the horizon.
It’s unfathomable how much he loves her and he thinks he’s going to tell her that on the 4th. Maybe throw on a pirates hat, rustle up a cardboard sword and tell her as the fireworks go off. Something corny and romantic that she’ll pretend to hate, but he knows will have her melting inside.
By the time he’s finished packing and daydreaming about Taylor (wait, should he officially ask her to be his girlfriend before he declares his love?!) his alarm clock informs him it is 3.01am. He groans and flops onto his bed. Sleep is still evading him.
He blames Jeremiah for that. Since coming back from Cousins, whenever he is alone, in the quiet and in the dark, and sometimes on the verge of sleep, Jeremiah strolls in demanding attention and shaking him awake.
Their friendship had changed when Susannah’s cancer came back. He doesn’t know when he missed it happening, this chasm between them, but maybe he should have held onto it tighter and checked in with him more. Maybe he should have prodded further when being brushed off, ignored the ghosting and turned up at his door.
He always expected Jeremiah to be OK, he was always OK. What was it Susannah used to call him, ‘her sunshine boy’? A label she stuck to him at birth and the label he caricatured at an expense to himself. Maybe that was the problem, they always expected Jeremiah to be the one with a smile on his face, to take the blows without a sweat. Steven is beginning to realise how utterly unfair that was on him.
All he wants is the four of them, and Taylor, and the moms safe and cocooned on the beach in Cousins watching the sunrise and the sunset for eternity. Safe from the harshness of the world. Safe from death and heartbreak and the inevitability of growing up.
He takes his phone out of his drawer. Jeremiah is online (what are the chances and is he OK, it’s so late) and so he texts him -
Hey Jer. How are you? Hope you are keeping safe. I want you to know that I’m here whenever you need to talk. I really mean that. I might be Belly’s brother but you’re my brother too and I care about you. Hopefully I’ll see you on the 4th and if not, let’s meet up soon. Please? Love you Jer.
He sends it.
He’s not expecting an answer so when he feels the soft vibration in his hand, he’s surprised.
Thanks Steven. I’ll see you in Cousins. Love you too.