Work Text:
“the saddest thing is to be
a minute to someone,
when you've made them your eternity.”
― Sanober Khan
When Taylor gets home from Cousins and after texting Steven to let him know his car is still in one piece, she falls headfirst onto her bed and allows herself to squeal in delight for 30 seconds.
30 seconds is all she gives herself because she is still waiting for the other foot to fall. If she throws herself headfirst into this undefined situation with Steven, it’ll only break her heart more when he inevitably changes his mind.
Even if it didn’t feel like it last night when his hands were gently cupping her face and when he was laying soft kisses all over it before they said goodnight.
They slept in separate rooms after the party. Her with a knocked out Belly and him with a moody Conrad. She wanted to ask him to sleep with her, to hold her, to stay but she didn’t want to come across as too needy.
She had smiled at him instead, something sacred and vulnerable she didn’t mean to reveal to him and closed the bedroom door before he could see how much more invested she was in them. She curled up on top of a sleeping bag and traced her fingers over the places he had kissed her, committing them to memory.
She checks her phone. She erupts into giggles and clutches her chest. Steven is texting her back.
So in the past week several things have happened -
Steven has taken her on four dates and kissed her so many times she’s lost count. She’s dizzy with excitement anytime she’s in his presence and the butterflies take over her entire body until she is practically levitating. It’s only when he’s gone does she worry that the next time they see each other he’ll look at her like he did last summer when he told her nothing could ever happen between them again.
Belly and Conrad are sort of maybe back together but before they sort of maybe got back together Belly kissed Jeremiah and told him that she chose him.
(Belly has only told her that she told Jeremiah that she chose him. Taylor told her that will bite her back in the ass when she least expects it.)
Jeremiah is apparently AWOL. He won’t answer anyone’s phone calls but he does text back. Polite, short and to the point according to Steven, no emojis, memes or gifs as is his usual style.
Belly is sick with worry and guilt and channels it into organising a massive party in Cousins for the 4th July.
“And you have to be there!” Belly demands.
Taylor wants to tease her, say something about having to wash her hair that day but she knows with the moods Belly has been in since she got back, it wouldn’t be appreciated.
“Yeah of course. I’ll be there,” she smiles, sitting cross legged on Belly’s bed as she watches her pace the floor and resume texting (Conrad probably) furiously.
Since Conrad dropped her home, she’s gone from manic happiness over Conrad to absolute despair over Jeremiah.
It’s driving Steven up the walls.
“Her and Conrad are like finally sort of back together or whatever, why is she so worried about Jeremiah?” he ranted one day when he drove her home from the cinema, “he’ll get over it, he’s just sulking. He’s being… He’s being selfish. Like he never had a chance with Belly, everyone knows that, and I don’t know why he’s acting like he’s lost the love of his life.”
She bites her tongue when this topic of conversation comes up. She is bias, she has always preferred Jeremiah to Conrad. He was always so kind to her and put up with her awkward play pretend flirting. And he always looked at Belly as if she was the centre of his universe.
She remembers the very first time she met Jeremiah was the very first time Belly brought her to Cousins. Laurel brought them to get ice-cream on the Boardwalk as soon as they arrived there, because it was unbearably hot that summer. The Boardwalk was full of slow moving sweaty crowds. It was the kind of warmth that makes everyone lazy and temperamental.
Steven had said something biting about her sunglasses that she took immediate offense too, so she insulted his flip flops. The teasing lilt that was usually part of their conversations was absent, dried up by the oppressive heat. She doesn’t remember who started it (her more than likely) but they started aggressively poking each other (christ they really were ridiculous) and one askew elbow caused Belly’s ice-cream cone to splatter on the ground and on to their toes. It stained the wood a bright pink, and Taylor can still remember how immediately sticky her feet were.
Belly’s eyes filled with tears but before they could escape, a halo of golden curls swooped down from the Heavens and presented her with his newly bought ice-cream.
Jeremiah.
God, she thought he was absolutely gorgeous. If she wasn’t half in like (or spite) with Steven back then, she’d have entertained falling in love with him. But he only ever had eyes for Belly.
He had been there with Susannah and Conrad, but Taylor doesn’t remember meeting them at this moment. She does remember Jermiah smiling down at Belly with so much love, it made her breathless. They were just kids then, but even Taylor could see it. He’d burn the world down just to keep her happy.
Who wouldn’t want someone like that to be with their best friend?
“We’ll obviously have to go down a day or two early to set up. That suits you right?” Belly asks her. “You’ll come down and help won’t you?”
Taylor can read between the lines, the sort of help Belly is looking for doesn’t involve buying red solo cups or sorting out a playlist.
“Yeah. Of course I’ll help you.”
In the two months she dated Milo, all she can claim for their relationship is a lighter he left in her room one night and a slightly derogatory song he posted about her on social media two days ago.
(Steven is fuming, but she’s slightly numb. She deserves it, maybe, and besides it is a good song despite the demeaning lyrics. He should be allowed this one.)
In the week and a half she and Steven have started dating (she wants him to clarify if it’s just casual or if it's more serious but she doesn’t want to seem pushy, would it be pushy if she asked?) she has collected three of his jumpers (including the Princeton one, she’ll give it back eventually), dropped numerous hair bobbles and clips in his car, and has left hickeys on his neck.
“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were trying to drink my blood,’ Steven smiles at her reflection in the Conklin’s hallway mirror as he prods at the deep purple mark just above his collarbone.
She wraps her arms around his waist and rests her head on his back so he doesn’t spot her blushing.
“You caught me babe, I’m a bloodsucking leach.”
He stiffens slightly (shit, that was part of a line in Milo’s new song wasn’t it?) and he turns around to face her, eyebrows furrowed.
“I’m joking, I know I’m not a leach,” she placates before he can say anything, “should have said something more literary stimulating like I’m Dracula or something.”
He rests his head on top of hers, and they sway back and forth gently.
God she thinks she loves him. She wants to tell him that he’s her favourite person too and that she’s terrified that someday soon he’ll change his mind that she’s his. It terrifies her though, verbalising these thoughts she’s been having. She doesn’t want to ruin things with him before they have ever even started.
“Taylor I-” he quietly says before Belly flounces in the front door, a worn Conrad trailing in behind her.
“Ew, get off my best friend!” she jokes with a wink, and the two reluctantly separate after a beat. Steven kisses her forehead and then he is gone from her, throwing his arm around Conrad.
The three settle on the couch, talking about the 4th and avoiding the elephant in the room. She watches them from the doorway. From a distance she can see it, the cracks webbing out underneath their feet, the agitation in Belly’s voice, the tension pulled tight in Conrad's shoulders, the way Steven becomes louder as if to compensate for something (someone) missing.
She stares at him, studies his face and what she’ll lose when he leaves her. When he turns to stare right back, he holds out his hand to her, beckoning her to come closer.
She takes a step forward.