Work Text:
The emptiness of the night sucked the wisps of Gintoki's breath away as he exhaled into the cold. The bench had been freezing when he'd sat down, but now it was like his body. Hard, there. Just there. He let the prickling in his nose continue, letting his exhales warm up what they could.
He checked his phone, just for a second. He wasn't used to it, but it was handy.
5:11am.
It was silent.
Like something cosmic had washed the world away.
Gintoki shifted in his yukata, settling down. It wasn't scary. This was comfortable, to him. It reflected something in him he usually had to keep inside. On nights like this, where the wind was asleep and the insects had abandoned the park, Gintoki felt a kinship with the world.
He sunk into the bench, looking out at the stars. Bright, diamonds in the sky. The gentle pale blue of the moon. The only light was from far, far away from this planet of his. This emptiness, it was profound. He breathed a little easier. His chest could open a little more, like this.
He closed his eyes, and let himself be overwhelmed by this, this expanse, letting his feelings fill out into the black soil and grass in front of him. Just by sitting there.
He breathed in and out again, trying to undo the tightness around his lungs.
It was comfortable. Here, he didn't have to pretend. Here, his emptiness could rest. Here, the low he carried around had a place. Had a friend.
He let his heart slide down, soaking in something denser. Something that choked him up a little. Finally back where it came from.
He sighed again into the night.
The footsteps he'd been ignoring stopped behind him. They'd been careful on the gravel, trying to make only a soft sound… to alert him but not scare him. Gintoki didn't know how he felt about that consideration.
Their owner came around to sit on the bench, settling onto its monochrome iciness with a warm body. Ah. He knew how he felt.
Companionship. Gintoki looked closely at his expression, then turned back to the park.
"Did you sleep?"
Hijikata already knew his answer, so Gintoki didn't respond. Gintoki knew this wasn't a morning patrol, but he didn't feel like asking Hijikata why he was here. He had a sense anyway.
Hijikata looked annoyed by his silence, but said nothing, and handed something over. A warm bottle of cocoa.
Gintoki just stared at it for a second, dumbfounded. It was from a vending machine in the park, he knew. He looked at Hijikata again.
Hijikata just looked back, understanding. Or accepting. Or maybe, it was just that he was there. Willing to sit with him. Offer him a drink. Gintoki could only name that expression of acceptance 'solidarity'. He let the feeling of companionship settle around him, coloring the air.
Feeling slightly tense, but not in a bad way, he took the drink. Hijikata sipped his own coffee.
Gintoki exhaled into the night, aware that Hijikata was listening to it. He felt his heart grow heavy again. Let it swim in it. Let his breathing hurt a little.
Gintoki hadn't known what he would feel, when Hijikata sat down. And he was alarmed. He was confused. But he was also… this was nice. Being able to share this moment between the brightness, with someone who usually shared it in a louder drunken world with him.
Gintoki hadn't forgotten. Hijikata likes to drink alone, but he has fun with him. Gintoki drinks alone a lot, and he isn't sure what he prefers, but he liked drinking with Hijikata too. This was more than that. This was a quiet time, with no booze to encourage friendship or bickering. Yet here they were, still.
Gintoki's soul was tired, but the cocoa warmed his heart, just a little.
"Kagura isn't home."
Hijikata didn't need to know that, but it was the closest thing Gintoki had to a thought that he could share.
"Is… she okay?" Hijikata's voice wasn't used to the morning yet. It sounded too real, next to him. Carried the warmth of his presence over to him.
The park wasn't empty anymore. Gintoki sat up a little.
"She's in a palace, she's fine." Gintoki saw Hijikata understand by his tone that that isn't what bothered him. Hijikata sighed this time, and settled back into the bench.
Gintoki could see that he didn't like the void of the park. He wished he could point out the glow of the moonlight, or the twinkle of the stars. But they weren't quite there yet.
And Gintoki, Gintoki was starting to feel like it would be a little better if Hijikata had sat just a little closer to him.
"Sougo burned my futon."
"What?"
"He burned it. While I was asleep. I came here to let some steam off."
A laugh bubbled near Gintoki's mouth, but didn't escape. Gintoki smiled. "At four am? He sure works hard just for you."
"It isn't funny." Hijikata seemed relieved he found the humor in that. He didn't need to be.
"You come here to let steam off often?" Gintoki let his tone soften, not mocking him.
"I… in the summer the sun would be rising by now. It's nice." Hijikata looked at him. "I guess I came here by instinct this time."
Gintoki looked out into the park, and spotted a bicycle track in the mud. He'd never noticed that before.
"I'm glad you did."
Hijikata regarded him slowly.
Gintoki sipped his drink and didn't meet his eye.
"When did you get here?"
"…Maybe around two?"
Hijikata didn't respond to that. Gintoki could see him considering something, and then letting the matter rest.
"What?"
Hijikata seemed surprised to be pushed. "You… must be hungry."
He'd been a little embarrassed to say it. Gintoki almost smiled. Embarrassed to care. But it was cute.
"I have breakfast, cooked it yesterday. It'll be there."
Hijikata didn't seem satisfied, but didn't say anything.
"Kondo-san came back from a cabaret club after I woke up." Hijikata didn't look like he knew why he was sharing either.
"It was a mess getting him into bed unseen by the newer recruits. I feel like I'm keeping the leadership's reputation up myself."
"Hmm. Babysitting is rough, but I think your sadistic prince of evil helps too."
"Sougo doesn't even work half the time, don’t even try."
"He's a genius at evil. Geniuses don't need to work." Gintoki left out the like me. He didn’t want to fight right now.
"What, like you?" "Yes."
So much for that.
Hijikata snorted and sipped at his coffee. Looks like he didn't want to fight either.
Gintoki let a fond smile grow on his face too. As he gulped more down, he realised this cocoa was the sweetest kind. There was no way Hijikata knew what the sweetest kind was beforehand.
Hijikata had checked.
He imagined Hijikata thoroughly checking the sugar content of vending machine drinks. Gintoki's heart fluttered.
He wished he had the courage to shuffle a little closer on the bench.
"So early in the morning and already so exciting. You really never catch a break, huh?"
"They're full time idiots."
"You should relax more. Stress will turn your hair white, Hijikata-kun, like me."
"I'm fine, don't worry about me."
Gintoki didn't say he wasn't worried, and Hijikata looked like he was glad for it. It softened the smile on Gintoki's face even more.
This time he sighed to relieve himself of this warm feeling. The park was still dark, but it felt cozier now. Like a blanket. The emptiness that had comforted him earlier felt a little crooked. Just a little wrong.
The world could be full of all sorts of things.
Hijikata wasn't looking at him. It was because of the tender smile on his face, Gintoki knew. But he knew it was appreciated. Hijikata didn't seem uncomfortable. Just not sure what to do about it.
"Have you eaten?"
"No."
Gintoki felt like Hijikata lied.
"I'll do you a favor and join you then. There's a ramen place near here."
Hijikata's annoyed eyes concealed a gladness. He didn't need to be glad. Gintoki wanted this too.
Gintoki marvelled at how, though the pool inside him remained, this was real too. This was a different way to breathe, a different feeling surrounding his chest.
It was Hijikata this time, but Gintoki felt comforted by the feelings he was having towards himself. That's right. That's who he'd been.
You never climb a rope by starting at the top, anyhow. It's always been like that. Start somewhere, grab anything, and let yourself grow. These little things, fleeting things, mundane things. Precious things. Let them grow.
He stretched his limbs with a groan, let them melt, and stood up. Hijikata followed him, treading lightly, strides settling comfortably next to him. It was just… nice.
His heart kept beating. It stayed a little warmer, kept up with his slow pace as they walked side by side to the restaurant.
Gintoki felt himself relax into conversation with Hijikata as they ate. Felt the world grow a little larger through the steam and broth. He wasn't in the mood for their more energetic bickering, and Hijikata seemed satisfied to show him some mercy there. It was nice, just being. It was nice that Hijikata was okay to just be. The pain in his heart melted away into their voices. Gintoki let a smile curl against his insides from time to time.
Hijikata just watched him, didn't order anything, and Gintoki realised he was okay with Gintoki knowing he had lied to get him to eat. A companion. The warmth settled around them that winter morning, and Gintoki was glad he'd managed to be up at this time sober. It was a strange feeling.
The sun wasn't up yet, but Gintoki was lighter on his way home.
Gintoki smiled to himself as the first light blues scrubbed at the edge of the night, and stopped on the way to get a little more sukonbu for Kagura before she got home.