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I don't sleep.
At this point, I've entirely given up on the possibility of getting more than 30 minutes of sleep per night. Whenever I get asked about it, I joke and tell them that "sleep is for the weak", but to be honest, if I was actually able to sleep I'd be a far stronger person.
I have many reasons why I don't sleep.
- My parents. Constant arguing about "How are we supposed to help our autistic children navigate their mental health issues?". How am I supposed to sleep when they just keep bickering?!
- Charlie. I worry about him a lot, even though I'm not a particularly anxious person. He has been through a lot and I feel so protective of him.
- My own mental health. My depression, thinking about new ways to harm myself. This is another thing that always seems to keep me up at night.
- School. I won't be the first to admit that school is challenging. Especially for autistic people like myself and Charlie. I get a lot of strange looks and get told that I scare people too much and I need to smile once in a while.
- Fear of having nightmares. The last time I got a proper sleep, I had an awful nightmare in which Charlie died. I am still probably traumatised from that night where I was so scared that he'd actually killed himself that I went into his room and forced him awake so I knew he was safe.
I do make sure my parents don't know I don't sleep like, ever. They don't know I stay up listening to their midnight bickering sessions.
Example: something I heard from them last night.
"You can't just treat our children like they're broken because they are neurodivergent!" "I'm not treating them like they're broken because of that, Julio, I am treating them the way that mentally ill teenagers should be treated. With tough love!" "No you aren't! You did not need to try and force Charlie to eat when he wasn't comfortable with it the way you did. You certainly did not need to scream at him until he had a panic attack, did you? You also did not need to tell Tori off for simply going to comfort him either." "I'm trying to help him by teaching him that he has to get over this stupid idea that eating is bad for him... you know that." "You're not helping. You're destroying him, Jane."
Wow. So smart to be yelling at eachother when your autistic kids with very sensitive hearing can hear you. I'm not sure if Charlie heard any of that, he was probably sleeping or too busy either playing his drums to combat the stress, or he was texting Nick about what had happened that night, and when Charlie is talking with Nick, it seems like he can't hear anything else. I hope he didn't hear them, though. They were literally arguing about him, and his mental health issues.
Anyway, one fateful night, in the middle of the night, I'm sitting on my bed and reading a book while listening to my parents argue about how my mum was trying to absolutely ban Charlie from ever seeing Nick, like, ever, when I hear a small knock on my bedroom door. I immediately hide under the covers and put my book down, because it's become an instinct to help me hide the fact that I'm not asleep from my parents. "Tori... it's... it's Charlie... can I... can I come in?" a small voice stutters. "Fine." I whisper back, getting out from under my covers in relief. Charlie opens the door very quietly, as if not to make our parents aware that he's sneaking around in the middle of the night, and steps into my bedroom. He looks so small and fragile standing there in his pyjamas, small tears running down his cheeks.
"Charlie... what happened?" I ask matter-of-factly. "I overheard what mum and dad were talking about... do you really think she wants to ban me from talking with Nick?" he replies, looking at me with big sad eyes. "Honestly, yes. You know she doesn't like the idea of her under-age kids being in relationships." I reply seriously. Charlie hugs me and his cries become stronger, although he's trying not to cry loudly. "I hate my life..." he mumbles through tears, his voice shaking. "Don't say that, Charlie. Nick wouldn't like it if he heard you say that." I say, although I completely understand why he said this. To be honest, I hate my life too. "Sorry." Charlie says, in a very small voice. "No. Don't say sorry. I know how you feel." I tell him, trying to make eye contact with him, although I have a habit of staring, and Charlie won't make eye contact with anyone for more than a few seconds (except Nick). "What's mum's problem with Nick anyway?" Charlie asks me, as if he thought I knew all the answers for everything. "I honestly don't know. Even I don't have a problem with him, and I have a problem with almost everyone and everything. Sure, he can be a bit of an idiot sometimes, but he's a nice boy, and he cares about you so much. Mum probably doesn't like the fact that he and his mum are better at understanding you than she is. Also she thinks she can't trust you two not to have sex." I explain.
"Also, Tori. Why are you still awake?" Charlie asks. "Why are you still awake?" I ask back. "I heard Mum and Dad arguing." Charlie says. "Do you normally hear their late night arguments?" I ask. "No, I didn't know they argue at night a lot." Charlie says. "I hear them arguing about something every night." I tell him. "So you don't sleep?" Charlie asks. "Not really. But I'm fine, trust me." I say. "That's why you always look like you're falling asleep when we catch the bus in the mornings." Charlie replies. "I never actually fall asleep on the bus. I just close my eyes." I say, causing Charlie to roll his eyes. "Yeah, right. You should at least try to get some sleep, though. Not sleeping will eventually affect your brain." he replies. "Charlie, I haven't slept in a month, I'm pretty sure I'm fine." I tell him. "A whole month?!?! Tori, you're going to die from lack of sleep." Charlie exclaims, the concern in his eyes almost convincing me to sleep. "I'm pretty sure that's not how it works." I tell him. "Just try and get some sleep tonight, please, Tori?" Charlie begs me. "Fine, I'll try, but I won't promise anything." I said, then Charlie smiled and left the room.
I got 4 hours of sleep that night.