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Everything is resolved, right?
Fukuchi has been defeated, Fyodor is no longer a threat, the vampirism ended.
Then why is Atsushi still feeling conflicted. It’s as if there’s a problem inside of him still unsolved like a puzzle piece has gone missing and he can't locate it to complete the picture.
Perhaps it's the lingering, unanswered question that haunts him:
Why did Akutagawa save him?
He asked Ango about it, but he received no answer.
He asked Akutagawa, yet still, silence prevailed.
Atsushi vividly recalls the day he posed that question to Akutagawa, it was the same day when everything should have found closure. A human Akutagawa stood right in front of him, and Atsushi, swept away by a surge of emotions, had his feet moved on their own without realizing, having his arms around the body of his partner. Tears streamed down his face, staining Akutagawa's coat. After a few moments of staying in that position, he then removed himself from Akutagawa and mustered the courage to seek the answer he so desperately sought.
“Why did you save me?”
But Akutagawa offered no response. The gray eyes only stared at him widely, with no intention to give Atsushi the answer he longs for.
Their 'conversation' – if it could even be called that – concluded there, rescuers came right after them and Akutagawa was immediately taken back by some members of the Port Mafia.
Weeks have passed since their last encounter. Atsushi longs to see Akutagawa, he wants to feel that warmth against his body once again, but he can’t. He’s not even sure if the mafioso wants to see him.
Was Akutagawa resentful for Atsushi's failure to save him on that ship? Atsushi mulls over this question, his mind a swirl of doubts and regrets.
Atsushi hates the fact that he couldn’t save Akutagawa, that he couldn’t prevent that sword from slicing his neck. He hates that he had let someone, who was trying to save him, die. Maybe Akutagawa now despises him more than Atsushi despises himself. Could that be why Akutagawa remains silent? Perhaps he regrets saving Atsushi.
“Atsushi, Ranpo is looking for you.” His train of thoughts were broken by Tanizaki’s voice.
He must’ve spent a long time on the rooftop and didn’t notice how much time had passed. Atsushi simply nodded at Tanizaki and went down the stairs with him. He strides directly to Ranpo's desk upon entering their office.
“How may I help?” He inquires, finding Ranpo indulging in a packet of chips. Ranpo continues munching as he responds, “Oh, Atsushi! I need you to fetch the cake I ordered online. They don't offer delivery, and I can't go pick it up.”
Atsushi already knew that he could not refuse when it came to Ranpo and just gladly accepted the request. Also, it’s been a while since Atsushi last walked on the streets without thinking of any danger he may face. The last time he ventured outside of the agency's premises, besides his commute, was the day he last saw Akutagawa.
As he thinks about it, Atsushi ponders when he'll next encounter Akutagawa. Will Atsushi be lucky enough and run into him while he’s on his way to pick up Ranpo’s cake? He hopes so.
Upon exiting the agency's building, Atsushi scans both sides of the street, half-expecting Akutagawa to emerge from the crowds. He can't help but wish for a random appearance from the mafioso.
Atsushi doesn’t even know what he’ll say once he bumps into Akutagawa.
Would a “sorry” be enough? He doesn’t think so. Would Akutagawa accept a “thank you” though? Chances are very low.
Atsushi isn’t even sure why he keeps searching for Akutagawa. He doesn't believe he should be. Akutagawa lives a different life from him and definitely doesn’t even want to see him anymore.
This thought jabs painfully at Atsushi's heart. The thought of Akutagawa not wanting to do anything with him anymore devastates him. The older may not admit it but both of them work well together, they trust each other even if their past had a rocky start.
Atsushi from months ago wouldn’t be hurt this much by the thought of not seeing Akutagawa, but after all the missions they’ve been through, the trust they shared, and even sacrifices, it’s difficult to ignore his feelings.
Feelings?
Atsushi halts in his tracks.
What feelings? He's uncertain. Maybe it's what one would experience toward a friend.
But would he miss a "friend's" presence this intensely? They'd shared only a single embrace, one where Atsushi practically forced Akutagawa into his arms.
Atsushi wants to experience that warmth again, he doesn’t know why.
He craves Akutagawa's presence by his side, to feel the breaths, the living pulse against him.
That’s not much of a request right?
Atsushi lets out a light laugh out of disbelief from where his mind is taking him to. He barely notices the passing of time as he stands there, lost in his thoughts until a sensation tells him he's being observed.
He looks around, attempting to discern the source of the feeling. Is someone tracking him, stalking him? An enemy? Is he never gonna get a break from this?
He put himself immediately on alert, forgetting the task that Ranpo gave him and instead tried to search around the street if there was something suspicious, but he found nothing. Maybe he was just feeling on edge due to the past happenings and overthinking things.
As he resumes walking and is about to move on, he suddenly spots a familiar figure. He whips his head towards a dark alley across the street. A man stands there, nearly unrecognizable if not for the white-tipped hair.
Atsushi feels conflicted. He finally sees Akutagawa after weeks of waiting, he can feel his gray eyes looking straight at him. Yet, he remains stationary, giving no indication that he'll advance or retreat. He simply stands, in the dim alley, an enigmatic presence inviting Atsushi to make the first move.
And so he does.
Abandoning the cake's retrieval, Atsushi crosses the street. Each step quickens his heartbeat, and he's fearful that upon approaching Akutagawa, his emotions will flood uncontrollably. He stops when the distance between them is reduced to three feet, eyes fixed on the ground. What should he say? The fear of uttering the wrong words, driving Akutagawa away forever, statues him.
“Talk.”
Atsushi lifts his gaze at the sound of the voice, which he hasn't heard for some time. It’s almost nostalgic, though most of their interactions have been heated exchanges. He manages a questioning "Huh?" in response.
“You came here to say something, so talk.”
Right. Akutagawa has been waiting for Atsushi's words, perhaps an apology? Atsushi hopes that’s all Akutagawa wants, because that's all he can offer.
“Akutagawa, I’m sorry.” He started, and finished. He has no idea what he should say or do next. He closes his eyes, halting the possible fall of tears that might follow, the apology's acceptance or rejection hanging in the air.
Akutagawa isn’t responding and Atsushi knew he was done for, their partnership is now broken, Akutagawa wouldn’t forgive him and—
But a huff was heard and Akutagawa's voice interrupted his thoughts.
“You fool.”
It doesn’t sound like Akutagawa was mad at him, so Atsushi dared to meet Akutagawa's gaze, finding more than anger within those gray eyes.
“I’m sorry.” He said once again, and again, and again. Until he couldn't count how many times he uttered it and finally felt tears roll down his cheeks.
He couldn’t believe he’s crying again in front of Akutagawa.
Atsushi was ready to say another apology when he felt a hand behind his head drag him towards the figure in front of him. That's how he found his voice was being muffled by the shoulder he's pressed against.
The hand on his head began to comb through his hair, which was strangely soothing because no one had ever done this to Atsushi before. Atsushi was at a loss on what to do with his hands, so he placed them on both sides of Akutagawa's waist. He gripped the white shirt, not even bothering to question where his coat was.
They remained in that position for a few minutes until Atsushi's sobbing ceased, and even after that, he refused to move to free himself from Akutagawa.
The silence is about to take over until another apology is heard.
But it did not come from Atsushi.
Atsushi raised his head from what he heard just to look at Akutagawa.
Akutagawa placed his hands on each side of Atsushi’s shoulders, making them face each other more properly. “I’m sorry.” He repeated.
Atsushi is in disbelief. “...Why?”
Akutagawa glances aside and sighs, clearly unsure of what to say. Atsushi knows that Akutagawa is not the best when it comes to expressing himself but he still wants to know why he’s apologizing, especially since Atsushi can't think of any reason for him to.
“That day.. on the ship, I left you alone.” The other finally answered, not returning Atsushi’s intense gaze.
“I was the one who left you. I left you and I didn’t do anything to save you!” Atsushi's voice trembled with emotion, his words carrying the weight of his guilt.
Akutagawa’s eyes are once again back to Atsushi’s as he counters,“I chose to let you escape alone, there wasn’t much you could do. If I didn’t make you leave, both of us would’ve died.”
Atsushi's mouth opened, but his voice failed him. He recognized the truth in Akutagawa's words, the painful logic that underlined his actions. Perhaps it’s much better for one of them to escape alive rather than both of them being dead, but Akutagawa sacrificing himself for a lowly individual like him doesn’t sit right. Wasn’t Akutagawa supposed to despise him?
“Wouldn’t you have saved yourself instead?” Atsushi's voice quivered as he spoke about another question that had been bothering him for a long time.
“I wouldn’t.” Akutagawa's response was immediate, his tone unwavering and resolute.
Atsushi shook his head with his eyes shut, visibly struggling from the facts that he’s learning. “It doesn’t make sense,” he tries to state, voice filled with shock.
“It doesn’t have to.”
After a few seconds of silence, Akutagawa began to withdraw his hands from Atsushi's shoulders, taking a step backward. "If you don't have anything else to say," he stated, his voice carrying a hint of finality, "I shall take my leave."
Atsushi’s heart raced, feeling a sense of urgency to confront Akutagawa once again, “I think you’re the one who needs to tell me something, Akutagawa.”
“What?”
Atsushi took a step closer to Akutagawa, “You didn’t answer me last time so I’m asking you again.
Why did you save me?”
Another silence hung heavy in the air, stretching between them like an unspoken barrier.
Atsushi couldn’t take it anymore and took another determined step, bridging the physical and emotional distance that separated them. His hand shot out, fingers curling tightly around the fabric of Akutagawa's white jabot, his grip an unyielding plea for attention.
"It's just a question," Atsushi's voice quivered with a mixture of desperation and longing, "why can't you answer it?!" He wants to hear the answer.
Akutagawa's response came in the form of a counter-question, a challenge that left Atsushi momentarily caught off-guard. "Tell me, weretiger," he spoke, his voice laced with a rare vulnerability, "what kind of answer do you want me to tell you?"
A pause, and then Atsushi tries, “Just, I.. I don’t know!”
With those words, Akutagawa gently disentangled himself from Atsushi's grasp, “Then I’m not sure how I’m going to answer your question.”
Atsushi can tell that the other would now attempt to retreat once again so before Akutagawa could even make a move, his instinctual drive took control of his actions.
In a bold move, he reached out and firmly grasped Akutagawa's forearm, his fingers curling with an urgency that defied his usual hesitance. His other hand grasped Akutagawa's face at the same time, not letting any escape to happen. In a heartbeat, Atsushi’s lips met Akutagawa – not in a full embrace, but a tender press at the corner that carried more feelings than words ever could.
As quickly as the impulsive kiss happened, Atsushi withdrew, distancing himself from Akutagawa. The intensity of the moment hung in the air and Akutagawa's wide-open eyes mirrored his own perplexed and questioning gaze.
Atsushi now wants to leave, if he wanted to meet Akutagawa earlier, now he certainly wants to disappear from his sight.
“Why did you do that?” Akutagawa's inquiry pierced the air, his voice carrying a mixture of surprise and curiosity.
The tables had turned, leaving Atsushi grappling with the unfamiliar sensation of not knowing how to answer.
“I’m sorry,” Atsushi's voice was a whisper
“I’m not asking for an apology.”
Atsushi realized there’s no escape for him with Akutagawa’s persistent question, “I.. wanted to,” his response was barely audible, he was almost sure that his words were unheard until Akutagawa spoke once again.
“Well, it’s the same for me.”
“What?”
“I saved you because I wanted to, should there be any other reason?”
A determined resolve took hold, and he pressed on, “Yes.”
Atsushi sees the confusion on Akutagawa’s face and he continues,"I kissed you not only because I wanted to. I think – no, I know that I feel something toward you that I can't explain. It’s that feeling that made me kiss you. Is it still the same reason for you, even now?"
Shock etched across Akutagawa's features and Atsushi fears that his confession is most likely to receive a response of rejection. But then, a gentle affirmation emerged from Akutagawa's lips, barely above a whisper, yet profound in its meaning. "Yes."
Before he could even process the implication, tears started to form in his eyes.
“You.. you saved me because you felt something towards me? And not because of Dazai’s orders?”
“Yes.”
A tear escaped Atsushi's eye, coursing down his cheek. But before more could follow, he felt a soft hand against his cheek, the same hand that conducted Rashoumon to kill him multiple times, wiping the wetness on his face.
Amidst his escaping sobs, Atsushi mustered the strength to let out his thoughts. "I have a question."
Akutagawa let out a near-chuckle sound, “You have a lot of questions,” he remarked, his hand continuing to wipe away the tears that fell with a gentle touch.
With a trembling breath, Atsushi continues, “This feeling you have for me and I have for you, is it love?”
Yet, instead of a direct answer, Akutagawa posed another question, “What do you think?”
A smile tugged at the corners of Atsushi's lips, “I think it is.” Atsushi confesses, “You saved me because you loved me, and I do too.”
There is no question anymore but Akutagawa simply answered him with a kiss.