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It's complicated.
Everything in Akutagawa's life has always been complicated, but he endures through every twist and turn. However, complexity takes on a new dimension this time, a change that feels as if it could turn his own core inside out.
He's adrift in confusion.
The position he holds as a mafioso in the Port Mafia highlights his tactical expertise, arranging complex assignments that need not only his ability, but also his strategic thought. Yet, at this moment, every situation becomes a maze of uncertainty, leaving him floundering when he can't grasp the essence of his surroundings.
Bewilderment takes hold.
He's taken aback by the idea that the first person actually worried about his well-being is the weretiger in the aftermath of Kamui's defeat and the collapse of vampirism. As soon as Akutagawa regained consciousness, a white haired man rushed to his side, throwing himself towards the no longer dead person. The weretiger seemed unconcerned about the damage he got in their previous fight when Akutagawa was still in his vampire form. The weretiger sobbed, his tears pouring upon Akutagawa's cloak, which didn’t even belong to him.
He was at a loss. What was he to do when the very person he should have been trying to eliminate had his head nestled against Akutagawa's shoulder, sobbing as though he truly cared?
Perhaps the weretiger did care, or perhaps Akutagawa's perception of the emotions before him is simply lacking.
Before Akutagawa could even react from the sudden closeness and push the other away, the weretiger was already asking him a question insistently.
It wasn’t the usual "How are you?" or "Are you okay?" one might expect upon encountering someone who's been absent or endangered. Instead, the question pierces deeper:
"Why did you save me?"
Weeks passed, the question remains unanswered. Akutagawa wrestles with it, attempting to justify his enigmatic decision during the shipboard confrontation.
Did he save him out of obedience to Dazai's orders? Whenever he contemplated that as the reason, it felt insufficient.
Akutagawa hadn't saved him due to orders given; nor was it merely for a token commendation or acknowledgment.
He saved Nakajima because he genuinely wanted to.
From the moment he laid eyes on Nakajima aboard that ship, desperately seeking companionship, Akutagawa knew he would do everything within his power to defeat Kamui and ensure both of them emerged from the ordeal alive. Fate, however, had its own agenda. Their foe proved more formidable than anticipated, and the two found themselves unequal to the task of subduing the undefeated captain. With escape becoming increasingly unlikely, Akutagawa resorted to his last option.
Saving Atsushi was the most fitting choice he could have made.
If anyone deserved to be rescued, it was the weretiger. If anyone possessed the capacity to save Yokohama, it was Nakajima. If anyone would carry Akutagawa's memory beyond his demise – not merely for the act of self-sacrifice, but for the bond of trust they shared – it was Atsushi.
When did this concern for the weretiger arise? Akutagawa can't pinpoint it. He longs to.
Was it merely a concern? Or was it something deeper ?
That strange sensation emerged within Akutagawa once more. There was a part of him that wanted to break free, no, explode forth. He was certain that the next time he would run into Atsushi, he would erupt in a way he feared. Whether it’s in a way he would recklessly tell him what he truly felt or simply push the weretiger away and leave the bursting flow of emotions unsaid.
'Why did you save me?' The question echoed, and whenever Akutagawa shut his eyes, Atsushi's face remained vivid – those sunset eyes, brimming with tears, staring intently at him, imploring an answer to their shared dilemma.
He ached to tell the truth. He wished to be able to admit the truth of his feelings.
Responding with 'I care for you' would be poor. It wouldn't be enough to express how he genuinely felt.
His stomach churns with thought. What happened to their endless battles, their constant aggression dance? When did their attempts to outwit one another turn into this complicated feeling? When did hatred give way to feelings of deep affection? Akutagawa once again couldn’t find the answer.
Since their last encounter, the day he found himself searching for a response, Akutagawa's thoughts have been consumed by ways to shield these emotions from Atsushi. He longs for another meeting, to offer an apology for leaving Atsushi alone in that ship, to go back in time and hold towards the hand reaching out to him. He aches to make an effort and erase the tears that fell from the usually elated eyes.
He aspires to provide Atsushi with the answer he seeks.
But he did nothing. He failed to act on his realizations. He swore he'd bury these feelings deep – he'd reduce them to ashes if he could. He refuses to take action and express how he feels, knowing full well that he will be left alone anyway.
Tears began to well in Akutagawa's eyes, the overwhelming recognition of his emotions leading to yet another revelation. These sentiments would likely never be reciprocated; how could they, when the person he loved was someone he had tried to eliminate on multiple occasions? While Atsushi might care about him, it was probably more because of his innate decency than anything else.
Akutagawa grasped his chest, where his heart is supposedly located, as if attempting to extract all of his feelings. He wanted to toss them away, to tear them apart and scatter them till they couldn't be reassembled - yet he also wanted to keep them. His feelings remind him that he is still a human being who hungers for love that has never been offered to him since the beginning.
He wishes to believe that, in different circumstances, these emotions could exist without the immediate thought of rejection, then maybe he would have answered the question . Perhaps, in another reality, Atsushi's heart could have mirrored his own.
Maybe, in a different universe, Atsushi and he could have been good acquaintances without caring about the world that they are surrounded with.