Work Text:
CROSS MY PALM WITH SILVER
A short dramatic piece for voices
with the following several parts
Cast
- Narrator – narrator-y voice like David Attenborough
- Welwick - (the widest Bostonian accent imaginable)
- Sam – speaks like Bill S Preston Esq
- Sebastian – Speaks like Ted Theodore Logan
- Abigail – You know that time you watched The Piano and Holly Hunter started speaking and you were like ‘OMG don’t do that’
Yeah, that - Shane- Voice of Eeyore
- Harvey – the normalest of normal normalness - Mr Normal 'Norm' McNormalface
- Alex – Fast paced sports reporter, bit smarmy. He talks like one of those 1930s patter comedians, think the Marx Bros, Jimmy Durante. If the Gilbert and Sullivan patter songs were a person, it would be Alex. He uses his hands avidly when he talks, and his voice is pitched slightly higher than the average male today, again think 1930’s radio news commentator.
- It’s really important that you remember ALL this when you take on the meaty role of Alex, focus on his intentions, motivations. Really think about what makes him tick. He’s deeper than he first appears and you need to bring your ENTIRE acting repertoire to conveying this complex and multi-layered character. I doubt that Laurence Olivier himself could do him justice.
- Seriously, don't undertake this role if you haven't done 3 years at an acting conservatoire, minimum 10 years of stage work and a mandatory 2 years at the École internationale de théâtre Jacques Lecoq
- I'm not joking. If you are to take on this role you really need to get under the skin of his character. Who is Alex? Why is Alex? How is Alex?
- Learn to play gridball. Try a batch of grandma's cookies. Find out what it is like to have a grandparent named George. Then and only then will you be ready. Good luck! - Elliott – Talks like Byron, if Byron were from America and not dead
- Farmer – Your voice
- Farmer’s child – any available person with a squeaky voice. If no child available, a helium balloon-fuelled voice will do
(For clarity, the name Welwick here is pronounced the British way, WELLICK)
Narrator: In beautiful Pelican Town, it’s the 16th Fall and the Stardew Valley Fair is in full swing. The weather is balmy in the golden, warm autumn afternoon. Falling leaves dance and skip in the breeze that plays over the town. Out in the square, the hum of the crowd and occasional shouts of delight, as games are played, granges are admired, and people eat the delicious food that Gus has supplied.
The atmosphere is relaxed, the Grange competition is over, and everyone is enjoying the warm, golden, afternoon sunshine. They lazily walk round, visit the displays, buy produce and wolf the burgers and hot dogs from Gus’s barbecue being held in the park to the north.
In Welwick’s fortune tellers tent the atmosphere is thick with incense, through the dim flickering candlelight there is seen a table and a large crystal ball that swirls all the colours of the rainbow. There is a warm, golden glow.
Sam enters, skateboard in hand. He is incredibly impressed by everything that Welwick does. He is wide-eyed and wondering all the way through, and it’s kind of charming. He has a golden, warm glow.
He’s been to the face painter and so his face is covered in spider man make-up
Welwick: Sam, come on in, don’t stand there like a carp in the park!
Sam: (Hovering in the doorway looking confused) You know my name? Woah! you are indeed a powerful seer!
Welwick: It’s written on your jacket. Now cross my palm with gold, take a seat, and I will tell you your future.
(Sam pays but does not sit)
Welwick: Please sit down!
(Sam peers round cautiously)
Welwick: You alright?
Sam: Where will the spirits sit?
Welwick: Where will the wha-? (under her breath) For the love of Yoba. (Aloud) Sam, just sit down, I haven’t got time for esoteric explanations.
Sam: (to the chair) sorry, ‘scuse me, pardon madame, sir? I don’t know your pronouns I’M SORREEE!
Welwick waves her hands over the crystal ball on her table, closes her eyes and concentrates
Sam: (loudly makes woooooooo noises, joining in) Wooooooo!
Welwick: (opening one eye) don’t do that.
Sam: Sorry! (quietly) wooooo-oooooooo-ooooooo
Welwick: Keep doing that and I swear I’ll ruffle your hair. I mean, that things a fire hazard in here, what with my candles and everything.
Sam: (wailing, panic -stricken) No! Not my hair!
Welwick: (only half threatening) Then quit with the oooo-ing!
Sam: (humbly inclining his head in deference) You are not just clever but wise and knowledgeable too.
Welwick: (sighing) They literally mean the same thing.
Sam: (mysteriously) Exactly.
There is short silence with a face-off between Welwick and Sam. She can’t decide whether he is making fun of her, or if he’s serious.
Sam is deadly serious
Sebastian enters
Sebastian: (Popping his head into the tent, he is an emo, that's pretty much it really - his entire personality. It’s like if 'The Gerard Way' was a self-help book that Seb read as gospel ) Sam! We need you! The- wait? (He takes in his surroundings) Woah dude! Wooooooooo!
Sam: (Delightedly) Sebastian my man! Right?!!!! Woooooo!
Sam and Sebastian: (in tandem) WOOOOOOOO!
Welwick: (her hand straying dangerously close to Sam’s hair) FINAL WARNING!
Sam: Eep! Yeah, she really doesn’t like people making that sound dude.
Seb: Sorry man. Hey! You telling fortunes?
Sam: Yeah, pull up a chair my man, (he nudges Seb) Got to pay the ferryman, dude.
Seb: Nah, these things never go well for me.
Sam: come on man! What are you – chicken? (He starts making chicken noises)
Shane: (Popping his head in the tent) Did I hear Charlie in here?
Welwick: OUT
Shane leaves
Welwick: (sighing) Alright, Sebastian.
Sam: Woah she knows your name too!
Welwick: You literally JUST sai – you know what, never mind. (turning back to Seb) I’m going to draw the cards one at a time and tell you what each one means
Welwick draws a card and plants it with a snap on the table
Sam: WOAH!
Seb: That’s the death card right?
Welwick: Not necessarily, it can mean new beginnings, new relationships, but mainly, yeh, Death.
Seb: I knew it!
Welwick: Now don’t worry, it can symbolise lots of OTHER things in conjunction with a second draw.
She draws another card.
Sam: Dude! It’s another death card! Duuuuuude!
Seb: (gulps loudly) Wh-what?
Welwick: Again, don’t worry, Let me draw a trio of cards, it will definitely be something different this time!
She draws 3 cards. They’re all death
Sam: That’s some cursed shit dude!
Seb: Is anyone feeling cold? It’s definitely getting chilly in here.
Welwick: What? There’s only supposed to be one death card per pack! (in a panicked tone) What’s going on? I’ve never seen anything like this this!
Sam: Are you okay man, you’ve gone pale?
Seb: Think I’m gonna throw up.
Welwick: I- in all my years of working the fortune tent, it’s – it’s not right! This is most irregular!
There is a giggling from outside the tent. Welwick opens the flap to find Abigail shaking with laughter
Abigail: Your faces! AH haaaah haaaa haa! I can’t breathe!
Welwick: What?
Abigail: I switched the decks! You, ahahhha haaa! really believed it!
Seb: ABIGAIL! You complete – NOT COOL! Come back here!
Abigail runs away taunting the boys who chase after her
Welwick: Whew!
Welwick sighs heavily but looks up in pleasant surprise when Shane enters
Shane: Sorry. I thought this was the beer tent.
Welwick: (Kindly) It’s okay. Come in Shane, let me at least tell me your fortune.
Shane: Nah. Thanks anyway lady.
Welwick: (temptingly) This one’s on the house. Come on! What have you got to lose?
Shane looks reticent. He plunges his hands into his hoodie and lowers his head. He sits anyway.
Welwick: (waving her hands over the crystal ball) The spirits are strong today, and you are surrounded by them. They wish only the best for you.
Shane: Wish they could do some work around the ranch. Marnie’s too busy canoodling with Lewis while I’m up to my ears in chicken poop. (nods towards Welwick) Sorry for the language ma’am.
Welwick: There is also turmoil in your past. Much passion and much anger. You must let it go Shane.
Shane: (shrugs) Oh yeah? Seems like everyone’s got an opinion on ‘Ole Shane’. Who you been talking to? Gus? Harvey? Marnie?
Welwick: No, I am merely a conduit for what the spirits are telling you.
Shane: Well, I ain’t interested in what a bunch of people who can’t even use a rake say to me. Seems like this is a waste of your time and mine, lady.
Welwick: Ah, you are an unbeliever! You know, ‘A cynic is merely a disappointed dreamer’ How can I convince you?
Shane: I reckon there ain’t nothin’ you can do to convince me ma’am. I know what I am, I know what’s coming for me. The doc keeps telling me to mend my ways. But there ain’t no Yoba and there ain’t no Hell or heaven. ‘Cept what we make here. I guess I’m a lost cause.
Welwick: There is love coming for you Shane. A love so great and profound and overwhelming that it’ll kick that heart of yours back into rhythm, a love like an express train that will knock you off your feet. But that is a ways off in your future yet.
Shane makes to leave, getting up from his chair.
Shane: Thank you for your time ma’am. But you know that ship has sailed. Sorry for wasting your time.
He hesitates at the door.
Shane: (quietly) Will *SHE* be okay?
Welwick: She?
Shane: Ma’am, I don’t want to know MY future, but if you can answer one thing for me?
Welwick: Of course.
Shane: (shakily - low) Just tell me Jas will be okay. She never had much of a start in life, and I need to know that I’m doing right by her. Please?
Welwick: (taking his hand warmly) If you are her father now, Shane, she’ll be fine. You’re doing a great job.
Shane: (blushing, a small tear forms in his eyes) Thank you ma’am.
He exits
There is barely any time for recovery as Elliott peers into the tent. He is confident, over dramatic and flicks his hair for effect.
Welwick: (who is totally in love with Elliott) Dear Yoba and all their precious dwarfs! Have this one washed and sent to my slightly smaller tent! (praying) Please let him come in! Yoba, you and I have had differences in the past, but I swear that I’ll stop using Junimos as my home brewing guinea pigs, if he just sits with me for two minutes. What a man!
Elliott: (Calling) Lady of clairvoyance, do you reside?
Welwick: (pulling herself together) Yes, come in, come in! (to the ceiling - mouthing) Thanks Yoba, I owe you one!
She hurries to dust the chair that Shane was sitting in
Welwick: (breathlessly) Can I get you anything Elliott? Coffee? Tea? (Fluttering her eyelashes) Meee?
Elliott: I beg your pardon?
Welwick: Granted.
Elliott: Dear lady, I must pay you! (he turns out his pockets sadly) I am however, sorely lacking in monetary recompense. Allow me to present to you a humble offering, but mine own.
He reaches under the table for something
Welwick: What is this massive and weighty package that you are handling?
Elliott: It is rather large and quite meaty!
Welwick: Do you think it’s correct to bring that thing out in public? What will the mayor say?
Elliott produces a gigantic manuscript with a flourish.
Elliott: Ta-da! My latest (grandly) magnum opus! My largest and most beautiful part of me. It’s so weighty, I could barely carry it on my person!
Welwick: (admiringly) It IS enormous!
Elliott: (smiling loftily) Of course! Did you expect anything less from me?
Welwick: I should have known that whatever you presented me with would have been of substantial size. (she picks it up admiringly and weighs it in her hands) The girth of the thing!
Elliott: It is my life’s work! But, dear lady, it’s not the only part of me that is big…
Welwick: Ohhh yes?
Elliott: (purrs) Yes, I also have an enormous, upright…
Welwick: Oh Yoba and all their little wizards!
Elliott: Piano! You should drop by my shack sometime; I will play for you.
Welwick: Oh Elliott, I would love to see you tickle the ivories, I imagine that you are a master pianist.
Elliott: (getting closer) You bet I am. But what of my fortune dear lady?
Welwick: (Getting closer still and murmuring) I see a short, older woman in your near future, and a turbulent and wild affair, worthy of the great romance writers!
Elliott: (positively purring) And how soon will this wild affair begin?
Welwick: (Looking at her watch and giggling like a schoolchild) How about when I get off work in a couple of hours? But no, I must be strong! I am such a fan of your work! We will begin just as soon as I have finished this book of yours!
Elliott: (getting closer) The book?
Welwick: (closer still) Book.
Elliott (so close he can count her eyelashes) Book
Shane: (appears) Did I hear a chicken?
Welwick: NOT NOW SHANE!
The spell is broken. They jump apart
Elliott: Dear lady, I shall leave you to your endeavours. But be sure that I shall return to you, when the fair ends. And we shall quaff an ale at the tavern together and you shall tell me more about how much you love my words. Farewell ‘til dusk!
Elliott leaves – dramatically of course. If he was wearing a cape he would swirl it
Alex peers round the door of the tent and his eyes widen. He sees the skull patterned tablecloth, the twirling smoke of the incense, the crystal ball. He surveys Welwick herself in her velvet cloak, her long fingernails curled around the deck of tarot cards. He smells the overwhelming scent of patchouli and sandalwood, and eyes the flickering black candles with alarm.
Alex: NOPE
He exits.
Next is Harvey, the town doctor. He is neat and trim in his blazer and tie. He looks nervous but is skeptical.
Welwick: (pityingly) Doctor Harvey! Come on in sir, make yourself at home!
Harvey sits, fiddling with his tie nervously.
Harvey: I, um don’t really believe in this stuff, but it’s just a bit of fun right?
Welwick: It certainly is. Are you still in that little apartment above the clinic? I think of you often, alone, stuck up there, waiting and wishing for better, but nothing ever happens, the years passing you by, getting more stuck in routine, year after year…
Harvey: Well, er, (He looks down. Welwick pats his arm)
Welwick: No worries, you poor man, how long have you been there now? 5,6,7 years?
Harvey: Actually, there’s been…
Welwick: (interrupting) I haven’t seen you for many a year now! (coquettishly) Are you avoiding me?
Harvey: No! You’re just so busy and I am…
Welwick: (sighing) busy with your clinic. I understand, my dear chap. Hey, I must introduce you to some friends of mine, I suppose one of them might date you. (Harvey looks panicked) But you are devoted to your patients always and ever will be. Which reminds me, can you have a look at my cat afterwards? Pangur Ban is looking decidedly peaky, and I thought you could give him a check-up?
Harvey: You… you know I’m not a veterinarian, don’t you?
Welwick: Oh, sure, sure, but people, animals they’re all the same right?
Harvey: Um. No, not really.
Welwick: So, you’ll check him out? Not like you’re doing anything this evening right? (she laughs, Harvey blushes) Reading your medical journals in your room? Putting together the latest model plane? Listening to some Jazz? It’s not like your life is exactly busy doc!
Harvey: Well, thank you for that comment on my personal life, but actually…
Welwick: So, that’s settled. I won’t charge you for the reading doc, in place of a diagnosis for Pang. Deal? (she spits on her hand and offers it to Harvey)
Harvey: (looking in horror at her hand), Let’s just take it as read, shall we?
Welwick: (shrugs) suit yourself!
For the last time today, Welwick puts her hands around the crystal ball, peering into it.
Welwick: Funny…
Harvey: (frowning) What is it?
Welwick: You are shrouded in mystery to me doctor. I can only take this grey mist as the cloud of your terrible loneliness, it swirls around you like the ancient walls of a castle, impenetrable, solid. The spirits are not with you. It must be your unbelief! Your stubbornness to believe, means that you have no aura, your chakras are out of line and even here, in Pelican Town, where all ley lines converge, and magic spills into reality, you – are a closed book.
I can only hope, one day someone will break your walls down and get to the real you. I’m sorry, I can help you no more. You must walk this path alone.
A small child bounds into the tent and into Harvey’s arms. Welwick almost falls off her chair with surprise, as the child speaks.
Child: Dada! We were looking for you everywhere! Uncle Ras said you were here!
Another head pokes into the tent interior, it is the Farmer, the newcomer to Pelican Town. They hold a sleeping baby in their arms
Farmer: Honey! There you are! Ready to go? Oh, hi Miss Welwick! I haven’t seen you in a while. I watch your show every day on the TV! You’re very good!
Welwick: (turning in amazement to Harvey) What?
Farmer: We really should get going, this one’s spark out and it’s almost your dinner time young ‘un! Don’t fall asleep on your father’s knee now! We’ve still got to walk home.
Child: (pouting) Dada will carry me!
Farmer: (laughing) You’re old enough to walk!
Harvey: (standing up with the child on his hip) You know I don’t mind honey!
He gives the sleeping baby a kiss on the forehead and puts his free arm round the farmer.
Harvey: I guess you shouldn’t believe everything the spirits tell you, eh? Good evening, Miss Welwick, please feel free to bring Pangur to the surgery. Clinic hours are Tuesday and Thursdays, nine til three. No charge! (He smiles at the fortune teller)
They exit and the clamour they make fades into the distance, while Welwick watches open-mouthed.
Welwick: Well, I’ll be!
Elliott pops his head into the tent.
Elliott: (Winking) Well dear lady, are you ready for our date?
Welwick: (smoothes down her dress) You betcha! Never a dull moment in this town!
Welwick closes the tent and follows Elliott, eventually snatching up his hand in hers, and together they walk to Gus’s. They eventually come to a stop and start smooching noisily at the saloon door, as the sun sets in the golden warm glow of a Grapefruit Sky.
FIN