Work Text:
When they say goodbye in the parking garage, both women take a little too long to get in their cars. Emily lingers with her fingers on the door handle, staring across the concrete structure at the woman fiddling with her keys. She wants to invite JJ over, but the only thing she can think of doing is laying on the couch with the other woman on top of her, taking slow, even breaths that make her feel safe and lull her to sleep. JJ imagines the same thing as she takes too long to find her car key. She wants to feel Emily playing with her hair as she dozes, content and carefree.
Neither of them are willing to make the first move, so eventually, when the thick, summer heat has saturated the cramped garage, they climb into their cars and turn up the air conditioning. They head back to their empty apartments. Both women are exhausted, ready to shower and sleep, but they're minds are still together, imagining what it'd be like to go home together.
Emily would drive, so JJ could nap. It wouldn't be a very long nap, which means JJ would be groggy when Emily woke her up and quietly told her they were home. Emily knows what JJ looks like freshly awake because the blonde always sleeps on Emily's shoulder on flights. JJ knows what Emily looks like when she leaves the waking world to get some rest because the dark-haired woman takes secret naps in JJ's office, locked safely away from a dangerous world. They've never shared a bed.
When Emily walks into her silent apartment, she barely has the energy to drop her bags in the living room, climb the stairs, and go to the bathroom. Like the ghost of a memory she doesn't have, Emily imagines JJ trudging along behind her, mumbling encouragement. JJ would turn the shower on while Emily undresses and then, playfully flirt even though they're both too tired to do anything at all. Emily turns her shower on by herself, clothing already tossed in a messy pile on her tile floor. Steam curls in the cold air, making her shiver. She steps into her shower.
Across the city, JJ stares blankly at the textured glass of her own shower. It's smaller than Emily's and would barely fit them both, but she can still imagine what it would be like to cram into the small space with the woman she loves. Emily's fancy shampoo would make everything smell like her. JJ would stand behind the older woman, arms wrapped around her waist, and rest her cheek on the water-warmed skin of Emily's smooth back. They'd just stand like that for a long time, almost falling asleep on their feet. Emily would have to pry JJ off her to make her bathe, and JJ would pout, and Emily would kiss her.
Emily scrubs the self-doubt, stress, and sorrow from her skin with a soap that smells too strongly like her old life. It's an enormous effort to bend over and scrub her legs, her stomach, her neck. She wishes she could hand her loofa to JJ and ask the other woman to scrub her back. Emily wishes she could kiss JJ under the hot, steaming water. They'd stumble from sleepiness and bump the freezing tiles on the wall. JJ would laugh and pretend to be upset, and Emily would kiss her.
If either woman knew the other thinks about her in the same way, she would say something. Emily is sure that JJ has better options. JJ is sure Emily would never think she's special enough. Instead of taking a risk, both women turn their showers off and step into the bathroom, shivering in the cold air.
Emily moves to the counter to do her complicated skin routine, while JJ wraps her hair up in a towel. It's been such a long day, and they're both ready for bed. They turn their brains off to prepare for bed, wandering down the hall to their rooms. Emily sleeps in an oversized sweatshirt, legs bare and feet covered in thick socks. JJ sleeps in a tank top and shorts. They both crawl into bed and nest under layers of blankets, protected from the world, but not themselves. Not from each other.
Laying in bed, JJ feels the familiar ache in her chest grow. She is lonely, like always, and curses her own fear of rejection and tendency toward avoidance, like always. Emily is her best friend. Even if the dark-haired woman doesn't like JJ romantically, she would never be mean or let their friendship end. That is one of JJ's favorite things. She loves her best friend for her kindness, compassion, and never ending patience. Pressure builds behind JJ's eyes as she clutches her pillow and wishes someone laid beside her.
For her part, Emily settles into the emptiness in her heart, stretching in bed to fill the gaps in her soul. She stares at the white ceiling and wonders if praying would change anything. She doesn't believe in a higher power, but her own power isn't strong enough to make her change her ways. There's a wonderful woman across town who may be willing to spend the night, even just as friends, but Emily can't bring herself to make a move. JJ is calm, whip smart, and confident; if she wants Emily, wouldn't she say so? Emily, like always, doesn't have an answer. So, she just looks blankly at the ceiling, hot tears rolling down her temples. Something has to change.
Suddenly, a loud noise shatters JJ's quiet crying. It's her cellphone, ringing in the pocket of her go-bag. If it was her typical ringtone, she may have ignored it. The entire team needs sleep. It isn't a call from work, though, which JJ knows because Emily's favorite Rage Against song is playing, the sound still clear despite being muffled by JJ's bag. Rolling out of bed, JJ trudges across the room, thinking about the cruel irony of the call. She takes a deep breath before answering.
“Hey,” JJ says quietly as she trudges back to bed and climbs under the sheets. “It’s late.”
“I know.”
“Everything okay?”
Emily can’t answer. The answer is yes and it’s no and it’s something Emily can’t vocalize. She wants JJ to come over. She wants to stop longing for a woman she can’t have. She wants to be strong enough to say any of this.
“Yeah. I’m sorry for calling.”
Sucking in air and nestling into her warm, empty bed, JJ recognizes the emotion in Emily’s voice. “Don’t be. It’s okay.”
“It’s okay?”
“Yeah.”
Emily hears rustling on the other end of the call and smiles. “Are you in bed, too?”
“It’s the middle of the night, Emily,” JJ replies sleepily. “Aren’t you?”
“I was. I’m standing by my desk now.”
JJ smiles as she imagines Emily standing awkwardly in the middle of her room, wearing her thick socks and sweatshirt. She loves Emily’s choice of sleepwear. The older woman always looks so comfortable and human when she’s wearing her pajamas, face clean of make-up and hair tied up. JJ can picture her perfectly.
“Get back in bed, Emily. It’s too late to be standing. Aren’t you tired?”
“Exhausted.” Obeying the woman on the other end of the call, Emily shuffles across her bedroom and falls onto her bed. It still feels too big, but she feels a lot less lonely. It takes her a moment to pile her blankets on herself and then she’s cocooned in warmth. “Okay. I’m settled.”
“Good.”
They lay in silence for a moment. Emily doesn’t have a conversation topic planned, but JJ can sense that. She’s happy to lay in silence, knowing Emily is with her in spirit, and listen to the other woman breathe. After so long that JJ thinks Emily has fallen asleep, the other woman sucks in a short breath.
“Do you have plans?” Emily mumbles, almost incoherently. “For tomorrow.”
JJ shakes her head before realizing Emily can’t see her. “No. Sleeping. Maybe pizza.”
“Pizza sounds good.”
“Wanna come over?”
The question hangs between them, echoing through the inaudible hum of their phone call. JJ has never asked Emily over to her home before. Emily has never asked. If they’d been awake, aware, awaiting a day of work, the question wouldn’t have been born, but it exists in their world now. JJ clenches her jaw and refuses to take the question back.
“I don’t want to intrude,” Emily finally breathes after a long, tense moment. She hides her face in her pillow as she curses her response. She wants to intrude. She wants to spend time with JJ. “It’s your day off.”
JJ forces herself to say, “It’s okay. Come over. We can watch a movie.”
Emily knows that it has taken JJ a lot to stand by her invitation. It takes her a lot to stay on the phone. It takes her a lot not to bury herself in her blankets and pretend like she is incapable of vulnerability. Emily knows that JJ is incredibly vulnerable, always and in the present moment.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay. I’ll come over. I’ll bring wine.”
“Okay.”
The conversation is over for the night. Both women are exhausted by work and emotion and possibility. They’ve showered, dressed for sleep, climbed in bed, left for their phones, crawled back into their sheets, and made plans for the future. It’s a lot to do in the middle of the night, but they’ve managed.
“Can we…” Emily finally remembers why she’s called, but it’s just as scary as it was before she called JJ. “I’m really tired.”
“Me, too.”
JJ knows what Emily wants, what she’s asking, and she’s willing to give it to the other woman. When she wakes up, her phone will be dead for the first time in years, Emily will oversleep and apologize profusely when she finally arrives at JJ’s apartment, they’ll awkwardly navigate a totally normal interaction. For now, they fall asleep on the phone, not lonely or sad. They fall asleep content.