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❝ Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes
How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?
I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick
My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick
And the air is thick with loss and indecision
I know my pain is such an imposition
Now, you're runnin' down the hallway
And you know what they all say
"You don't know what you got until it's gone"
Stop, you’re losin’ me ❞
James doesn’t show up.
Regulus glances impatiently at the clock every few minutes, wondering if maybe he got the time or date wrong himself, even as he stares at it written in his planner, in James’ handwriting. He’s more than aware he couldn’t have gotten it wrong.
The library is almost empty, people slowly starting to head out before it closes entirely for the night.
Almost half an hour ago, he and James were supposed to have met in the library to spend the night studying. Usually, they do this once or twice a week, and almost always, they don’t end up getting all that much studying done at all. This isn’t always ideal for Regulus, but he loves the time that he gets with James nonetheless.
Except for tonight, because James hasn’t arrived. Regulus trails his fingers over the dry ink in his planner, James’ messy scrawl reading ‘Study Date: 7:30PM’.
He can recall the exact moment that James had written it in for him. Regulus had been sitting with James and his friends for lunch on Monday, and was trying to organise when he had time to study for his OWLS that week. James took over so that Regulus could eat, and added in two study dates for the week, as well as plans to go to Hogsmeade on Saturday.
Regulus smiles faintly at the memory, as he always does when it comes to James.
He’s been sitting with his head leaning against one hand, the other dancing over the flame of a candle as his eyes bore into the gap between the two bookshelves that James would ideally walk through to reach him. However, he’s begun to grow bored as he wonders where his boyfriend could be.
When it’s definitely been way too long since they originally planned to meet, Regulus packs everything into his bag, having gotten no reading or studying done. He can feel the anxiety that courses through his body, overthinking kicking into overdrive as he wonders whether James is sick or injured, and that’s why he hasn’t shown.
Why else wouldn’t he? It’s James. He always shows up, especially for Regulus.
The library is completely deserted by the time Regulus finally leaves, Madam Pince pottering around as she cleans up the mess that students have left. He wishes her goodnight, not wanting to be impolite, and heads out.
It doesn’t take long for Regulus to navigate his way through the dim hallways, his destination being Gryffindor Tower. James had shared the password with him, as he always does, and although the portrait scowls at him and his obviously green robes, she lets him through.
The common room is full of students. It’s loud and overwhelming, and Regulus has to take a step back. The Slytherin common room is never like this, and Regulus gawks at how friendly everyone is with each other.
The first person he spots is Sirius on the couch, right in the centre of everybody, draped over Remus with a wide grin on their face as they animatedly talk to everybody around them. Regulus makes the assumption that they’re in the middle of telling a story.
On the floor beside Sirius and Remus are Mary Macdonald, Lily Evans, and—James.
Regulus feels himself breathe a sigh of relief, the knot of anxiety in his chest unravelling just a little. His eyes trail over his boyfriend, searching for any signs of injury, but there are none.
Instead, James’ eyes are alight as he nudges somebody beside him and whispers in their ear, the two of them laughing loudly at whatever it is he’s said. He looks happy, more vibrant than he usually ever is when it’s just Regulus and James alone.
Helplessly, a pang of jealousy hits Regulus’ chest, replacing the anxiety as if it weren’t even there to begin with. He feels almost stupid for it, knowing that there’s no valid reason to be jealous. Is there?
After fidgeting with the collar of his shirt for a while, eyes fixated on the group, he steps forward, clearing his throat somewhat loud enough so that he can be heard over the chatter. At least by James.
Sirius and Remus are the ones that glance up, Sirius’ story coming to a stop as they cheerfully call out, “Reggie!”
This then leads to the rest of the group pausing to look back at Regulus, who immediately takes notice of the careless, distracted way James seems to glance back at him, before his eyes light up with recognition and he quickly jumps up.
“Hey, Reg!” he greets, a warm smile on his face. Regulus can’t stop thinking about how happy James looks without him around. “What’s up—what are you doing here?”
Regulus licks his bottom lip, weakly pointing over his shoulder. “You were supposed to meet me at the library. To study. Like, forty minutes ago.”
James pauses, then bites his lower lip, his expression sinking into one that resembles guilt. “Shit, sorry baby. It completely slipped my mind. I got distracted with Sirius and—”
“It’s okay, really. I just came to make sure nothing bad had happened,” Regulus interrupts, swallowing down his feelings. He’d rather die than express that maybe he is actually a little upset James hadn’t shown, despite promising to. It makes him feel like an afterthought.
“Bad?” James echoes, confused.
“Like—I wanted to make sure you weren’t hurt, or something.” Regulus realises, when saying it aloud, that he sounds pathetic. But James always shows up. The fact that he hadn’t was worrying for Regulus.
“Oh, Reggie,” James laughs, almost like he pities Regulus, and Regulus feels stupid. He knows that he’s probably reading into things too much, and yet he still takes a step back when James goes to touch a hand to his face. He feels like a child again, flinching from his mother’s cruel touch.
“I’m just going to go—before curfew. I still need to study, anyway.”
James blinks, rocking backwards as his eyes trail along Regulus’ face. Regulus makes sure that he isn’t letting anything but indifference show in his expression. He doesn’t need James knowing of his pain. “Are you sure?”
“Perfectly sure,” Regulus says, pressing his lips together in a lame attempt at a smile.
“You can always say,” James suggests, gesturing in the direction of the dorms. “We can still study together. I’ll make sure the others stay out for the night.”
“Oi!” Sirius says, quite out of nowhere, apparently having been listening in to the entire conversation. Regulus wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of their friends have been listening as well. “It’s our dorm too, you know.”
James turns slightly, to glance over his shoulder. “Piss off, you and Remus get the dorm to yourself all the time.”
Regulus grabs James’ shoulder, to get his attention again. “It’s fine, love. We can plan it for another night.”
“But I want you to stay,” James says, looking at Regulus with sad eyes now. Regulus feels himself soften, especially when James picks up his hand from his shoulder and holds it to his face instead. He can’t help it. Even when he’s somewhat upset with James, affection is all that he needs and he feels better again. It makes him feel stupid.
“Okay,” he says in defeat. “But they really don’t have to stay outside of the dorm. It’s fine.”
“Alright,” James smiles, pleased. He pulls at Regulus’ arms until they’re wrapped around his waist into a hug. Regulus melts into his arms a bit, sighting happily at the positive attention he’s receiving.
He chooses to ignore the feelings of uselessness flooding through his mind. He can deal with the self-deprecative thoughts later.
Regulus doesn’t expect anything like this to happen again. Not really.
He had believed James when he said it just slipped his mind. He was just distracted—that’s fine. It doesn’t mean anything. Not really.
Except, the Saturday following this, something happens.
The two of them are walking around at Hogsmeade, hands close but not interlocked. They can’t risk holding hands in such a public area. They’re doing their last lap around all of the stores before they go to The Three Broomsticks with the rest of James’ friends, and Regulus spots Scrivenshaft’s Quill Shop, where he’s been meaning to go.
He attempts to drag James in that direction, but James stops walking entirely.
“I wanted to go to Zonko’s,” he says, glancing between the two.
“Well—we can go there after Scrivenshaft’s, can’t we?” Regulus asks, eyebrows tugging together in confusion.
James shrugs, and when he looks over at Scrivenshaft’s, his eyes glaze over like he’s already bored. “How about you go there, and I go to Zonko’s, and we meet outside of The Three Broomsticks? We won’t be long.”
Regulus hadn’t exactly been planning on separating from James at all that afternoon, but he eventually nods, not wanting to be a bother to James. “Okay.”
His trip to Scrivenshaft’s is all in all pretty short. He finds the quills that he’d been needing quite easily and purchases a handful of them, just to ensure he has spare in case that they break or are lost.
When passing Zonko’s on his way to The Three Broomsticks, he glances inside, though doesn’t see James anywhere. This makes him smile, because that means James is probably outside of the pub waiting for him. Except, he isn’t.
Regulus stops right outside of the door, tightening his scarf because it’s freezing, wondering where exactly James could be. He wonders whether James is still walking over, or has stopped somewhere else quickly.
Wherever he is, Regulus plans on waiting. He tucks the new quills into a small pocket of his bag, then pulls out his gloves to stop his hands from turning into icicles. They’re already starting to shake from the cold.
After five minutes, he really begins to feel it. Yes, he’s been in the cold all afternoon with James, but they were walking around, and he had James’ body heat to keep him warm. Now that he’s alone, and simply standing, he feels like he’s been apparated straight to Antarctica. Regulus doesn’t do well with the cold.
Another ten minutes pass, and Regulus thinks his face has gone completely stiff. He hesitates, unsure as to whether James will mind if he goes inside quickly to warm up.
When Regulus genuinely can’t feel his nose anymore, he decides that it’s fine, and pulls the heavy door to the pub open, searching the room for the fireplace, just to stand in front of it for a few moments and get warm again.
It’s as he’s walking over there, though, that he hears that laugh. The one that he knows he could recognise anywhere.
Regulus’ head snaps over to the direction it’s coming from, eyes zoning in on James, who’s laughing and swinging backwards on his chair with a half-empty glass of butterbeer in his hand. His coat and scarf are off, and it’s not hard to infer that he’s been sitting there for a while. Regulus’ heart sinks.
He feels like a lost puppy who’s just spotted their owner with a new dog, moved on and perfectly happy without them.
Maybe it hurts because it seems as if James has forgotten him—again, or maybe it hurts because Regulus knows he never would have done this to James, but it hurts regardless.
There’s a moment where Regulus considers walking out and just leaving Hogsmeade altogether, so that he can wallow in his dorm for the rest of the day and not have to see James until tomorrow, but he decides against it in the end.
It feels unfair to leave James there, especially without expressing his grievances towards being left alone and forgotten.
So, despite everything in him screaming to leave, every instinct trying to pull him back, Regulus walks towards James and, basically everybody who was there the previous time James had forgotten Regulus. Nervously, he fusses with the loose string on his scarf.
Before Regulus can even say anything, Sirius launches up with a smile. “Hey, little brother of mine,” they say, pulling Regulus to sit down beside them in the booth.
Regulus catches James’ eye as this is happening, who smiles brightly at him.
This makes Regulus’ stomach hurt. There’s a pressure in his chest that doesn’t seem to go away, even as he presses a fist to it in an attempt to just make it stop. He looks weakly back up at Sirius, who has now noticed his discomfort. They always notice when he’s not doing so well.
“You okay?” they ask, their hand coming up to replace Regulus’ fist, like they’re also trying to comfort the pain in his chest.
He’s reminded of the time when he would have frequent panic attacks when he and Sirius were kids, and how every time he’d have one, they would rub soothingly over his chest until he could breathe again.
“I’m okay,” Regulus tells them, but still rests his head on Sirius’ shoulder and accepts the arm they wrap around him.
Regulus is silent for the remainder of their time at Hogsmeade, simply listening to everyone's conversation. James doesn’t seem to care to talk to him, so he doesn’t try to talk to James. At least not until they’re leaving.
Everyone is busy putting their winter clothes back on to face the cold on their walk back to the castle, when James suddenly appears in front of Regulus, hands reaching out to help tug his beanie on.
“Hey,” he greets with a warm smile, pulling the beanie down until it’s snug on Regulus’ head. Then, he leans forward for a kiss, which Regulus returns. “You alright? You took a while coming back from Scrivenshaft’s.”
“Ah—” Regulus hesitates, not sure whether or not he should answer truthfully. The feeling that he’s just going to burden James is all too strong, but he decides to say it anyway. “I was actually waiting for you outside of the pub for like… twenty minutes. I thought we were going to meet out front.”
“Fuck, were we?” James sighs when Regulus nods. “Sorry, baby. I just got finished up before you, and it was cold, so, y’know. I went inside.”
Regulus has to fight the urge to say, "You forgot about me”, and instead looks down, fidgeting with his hands and whispering a small, defenceless, “It’s okay.”
“Are you sure?” James asks, apparently quite oblivious to Regulus’ clear discontent.
“Mhm,” Regulus hums, then clears his throat. He reaches for James’ hand, unable to stop feeling disappointed yet still wanting affection from his boyfriend. James curls their fingers together and smiles at him before leading them outside, trailing behind the others.
On Wednesday, the week after, Regulus doesn’t see James at all. Usually, they sit together for at least one meal, but James doesn’t seem to be anywhere, not even on the Gryffindor’s table.
This upsets Regulus, because he doesn’t like having no idea what’s happened to his boyfriend, or where his boyfriend could be. He also doesn’t like that this is the third time in the past seven days that he’s seemed to be just forgotten about.
It’s all come out of nowhere, as well.
Regulus had thought they were doing really good together. Now, all of a sudden, James is seemingly distant and yet acting the exact same with him when they’re together. He’s just… different, somehow. Not giving Regulus what he was giving before. And this is not just disappointing but it’s hurtful. It genuinely, really hurts Regulus.
He can’t help but wonder if it’s something he’s done; if he made a mistake of some kind and now James is secretly harbouring some sort of hate for him.
Regulus ends up fifteen minutes late to his last lesson of the day because he’s too busy dragging his feet, sick with both anxiety and the desire to know what’s going on, what he’s missing.
After talking with McGonagall after class, explaining his tardiness, he heads straight to Gryffindor Tower. He feels just as he did the last time something like this happened.
The portrait lets him in with a huff, which is predictable, and after not spotting James in the common room, Regulus makes his way up to James’ dorm. He knows that Remus and Sirius are busy, because Remus tutors the younger year levels on Wednesdays and Sirius always tags along, and Peter has been spending his time with some mystery person recently, so Regulus doubts he’d be around either.
This leaves him with the hope that it’ll only be Regulus and James in the dorm, but it also leaves him questioning why James hadn’t come to find him so that they could spend time together alone. If it were him who had some free time, he would immediately sought out James to see if they could be together.
He knocks, listening to faint music playing through the door before James opens it. He recognises the music as Queen as a new song begins.
“Reg!” James says, looking more than surprised. “What are you doing here?”
Regulus adjusts his bag strap and attempts what is a very lame smile. “Are you busy?”
James licks his lips, a habit he tends to have, and pushes his glasses up his nose before leaning forward to take Regulus’ bag from him. “No, not really. Come in, baby.”
He places the bag on his trunk. Regulus can faintly smell cigarettes as he walks in, noticing the window open. There’s a chill in the air, no doubt created because of this.
“So, what’s up? How are you?”
“I’m okay,” Regulus says simply, fidgeting with his hands. He’s fighting against himself in his mind at the moment, unsure as to whether he should bring up everything, or leave it. The past two times, James has seemed to just dismiss it. There’s no doubt in Regulus’ mind that this will happen again. He thinks he’d rather leave it. “I just missed you. Where were you today?”
“Oh, just. I’ve been falling behind in potions lately, and one of my friends offered to tutor me, so. We spent each food break studying in the library together. She’s an amazing help.”
Regulus blinks, feeling as if he’s been rendered speechless. “Why didn’t you just get me to help?” he asks, a little desperation in his voice that really doesn’t need to be there. “I’m in seventh year level potions as a fifth year. I’d be able to help with, like, everything.”
James shrugs, apathetic. “Didn’t really cross my mind, if I’m honest. Thanks for the offer, though, Reggie.”
“So… you don’t want my help?” Regulus tilts his head, feeling sick. He wouldn’t be surprised if he were to start shaking at any given moment.
“No, it’s fine, baby. Carmella’s help is all I need.”
“Oh-kay,” Regulus says carefully, trying not to sound too hurt. James doesn’t notice. He usually always notices when Regulus isn’t okay. What’s happening?
Carmella—who even is that? Regulus wonders if it’s the new girl that’s been hanging around James and all of his friends. The one who James was sitting and laughing with the first time he had forgotten Regulus.
Thinking about this genuinely makes Regulus feel stupid. He can’t help but worry he’s being too protective over James.
Regulus instead moves back on James’ bed to lay down, who immediately follows this action. James curls an arm around Regulus’ waist, pulling him close. Regulus wishes it felt as good as it normally does.
He still cuddles into James, head in the crook of James’ neck. After a while, he murmurs, “I miss you.”
“I’m right here,” James says. There’s no emotion in his tone, nothing that says, I miss you too. It’s simply, why miss me when I’m right here, dummy?
The tears that prick at Regulus’ eyes are sudden and unwelcome. He has to bury his head further into James, forcing himself to hold back a shuddering breath that wants to escape. Regulus almost regrets coming here entirely, finding that he only feels worse.
They lay together for a while, the minutes passing blurrily. Regulus is too stuck in his own mind to process the moving of time, only knowing that they’ve been there for a long time when the door opens and Sirius is walking through.
Regulus disentangles himself from James, who seems to have fallen asleep and not woken up to Sirius’ presence, either.
“Hey,” Sirius says, not seeming surprised at Regulus’ presence. Regulus is usually hanging around their dorm a lot. He doesn’t know if he will anymore, though. What an odd thought to have.
“Hey,” Regulus says back, sliding off of the bed to approach his sibling. Sirius is pulling out a cigarette, lighting it with their wand as they trail over to the open window.
“James bloody pinched another of my cigarettes,” they mutter, mostly to themselves, though Regulus is still there to listen. “He goes on and on about not smoking because he needs to be fit for Quidditch, but I look away for one minute and he’s suddenly smoking my entire pack.”
Regulus pinches his bottom lip between his teeth. He didn’t really know this about James. He was aware James had the occasional cigarette, more of a social thing, but the use of ‘entire pack’ makes it sound like James smokes a lot more than what Regulus was aware of.
God, there he goes again. Sounding overprotective and just—stupid.
“You should probably just buy him his own pack,” Regulus decides to say as a way of reply, not wanting to give anything away.
“Sure,” Sirius shrugs. “But he’d insist on not having it, because he’s not a smoker.”
“Hm,” Regulus hums, coming to sit across from them, on the windowsill. He takes a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”
“Always,” Sirius says immediately. “Anything.”
Regulus thinks about how to articulate his following question, not wanting to sound weird or invasive. “What’s Carmella like?”
“Carmella,” Sirius echoes, looking like they’re trying to recall who this is. Regulus can’t decide if this makes him feel better or worse. “I don’t know her that well. She mostly hangs around the girls, I guess. I think she talks to James sometimes? I dunno, they were off together this morning. She let me borrow her eyeliner once, so she’s nice enough.”
It’s amusing that Sirius judges how nice people are based on whether or not they let them borrow makeup, but Regulus doesn’t linger on this thought for long.
“Is she in any of your classes?” he asks instead.
“Yeah, a few of them. We all have potions together,” Sirius says, then suddenly lights up like they’ve remembered something. “Merlin, this one time, she and I were partnered together. She got us a bloody P grade because she added the wrong ingredients even after I told her they were wrong.”
Whilst Sirius sighs in discontent, Regulus mulls over this. How could Carmella be such a good tutor when she’s not even passing herself?
He’s starting to just hate himself for all of this—why does he never know when to stop? When to stop thinking, and invading, and just being himself. He’s awful.
Regulus notices the sun starting to set outside of the window, realising that they need to leave for dinner.
Feeling foggy, Regulus looks back at James. “I’ll wake him up,” he says distractedly, deflated as he walks to the bed. “Where’s Remus?”
Whilst Sirius says something about Remus staying back to help a second year with some final things, Regulus softly scratches James’ scalp, watching him stir and wake.
“What’s the time?” he asks, voice croaky. He grabs Regulus’ wrist, bringing his palm to his lips to kiss it with a soft smile, eyes crinkling at the corners.
“Dinner, mate,” Sirius says, hopping up from the windowsill whilst closing the window and shutters. “Hell, you look a mess.”
“Piss off,” James says, and like that, he drops Regulus’ hand to sit up and straighten himself out. Regulus looks away entirely, grabbing his bag, wishing that James’ lips were still on his palm. Moments like that never seem to last anymore.
When walking to The Great Hall, James and Sirius jostle around and attempt to push each other into the walls. Regulus walks quietly beside them, feeling small.
He sits with their group at dinner, not saying much at all. He sort of just feels disconnected from everything.
Nothing eventful happens, though Regulus pays extra attention to Carmella, who doesn’t really do much of anything at all but eat and chat with her friends. Regulus feels like a fool.
As people start finishing their meals, James leans into Regulus, sitting his chin on Regulus’ shoulder. “What are you doing after supper?”
“Probably just go to my dorm. I have some work to finish off for tomorrow,” Regulus lies, already knowing exactly what he’s doing after they finish eating. And it’s not that.
“Oh, okay,” James says, not seeming too bothered. “Don’t want to come back to our common room for a little while? Gonna be some intense chess games, I think.”
“It’s fine,” Regulus dismisses, pain digging its way into his chest. “I’ll just see you tomorrow.”
James looks at him for a while, like he’s trying to read Regulus’ thoughts, but eventually gives up, nodding. He squeezes Regulus’ thigh affectionately. “Okay, baby.”
Once Regulus has finished eating, he makes his way to The Astronomy Tower. The halls are quiet, and nobody notices as he slips away, up the stairs. There are no Astronomy classes on a Wednesday, so he knows that nobody should disturb him up there. If he’s lucky.
Regulus sits with his back against the stone, knees tucked up under his chin.
He can recall many times that he and James have been up here together, just talking or kissing or holding each other, quiet. It’s sort of their spot, in a way.
Though, they haven’t been here in a while. Regulus hasn’t even noticed the way it’s seemed to have slipped away from them, but now that he’s thinking about it, he can’t stop. He’s asked James to come here quite a few times in the past few months, but James always had something else in mind. Eventually, he stopped asking altogether.
This makes him feel a little sick. Something’s happening with James, with their relationship, and he doesn’t know what. It makes him feel unsteady.
The Astronomy Tower is shrouded in darkness, and Regulus closes his eyes, feeling empty and broken.
What is he supposed to do with all of this? He knows he should bring it up with James, but that’s something that Regulus has always been so fucking bad at that he just doesn’t know how. He hasn’t had to do something like this before—he and James have always been good together, have known how to work out their problems in the past.
What now?
Regulus feels as though everything he’s worked so hard for is crumbling, and he can’t stop it from happening.
He wakes up Saturday morning in James’ bed, having spent the night there. Regulus doesn’t think he’s felt much these past few days.
James’ hand is loosely gripping his hip, close yet far as he quietly snores.
Regulus twists uncomfortably within the sheets of his bed, unable to fall asleep despite it being all too early to have woken up. He bites at his nails, a stupid habit he picked up after seeing Pandora do it a countless amount of times.
Things don’t feel as they used to. Regulus used to wake up happy after sleeping with James for the night, excited to share a bed with his boyfriend. Now, that feeling is absent. He just wants to go back to sleep and wake up in his own bed, as if that were even possible.
When he rolls over to face away from James, James pulls him close like a teddy bear, arm wrapped around Regulus’ waist and his back touching James’ stomach.
James has always been a big cuddler. Affection is the one thing that hasn’t stopped throughout all of this.
It’s weird. It makes Regulus feel as though he’s making up every other bad thing. He knows that that’s not the case, but he can’t help but feel a little delusional when nothing bad is happening at that moment.
There’s a costume party that night. Regulus feels nervous. The Gryffindor’s tend to throw parties at random, so it’s nothing out of the ordinary, but Regulus is worried that things will be different.
What if, when drunk, James breaks up with him, or reveals something hurtful. Regulus doesn’t like how unpredictable everything is.
He’s chosen not to dress up that night, though James is dressing as Romeo from Romeo and Juliet, an apparent muggle movie that was released a few years ago. Regulus doesn’t know whether or not he should be disappointed that James didn’t ask him to dress up as the Juliet to his Romeo.
A sudden bang from somewhere within the dorm both startles Regulus and wakes up James, who sits up immediately, using a hand to somehow shield Regulus.
The curtains to the bed are closed, so they can’t actually see out and know what it is.
Regulus softly holds James’ arm within his hand, just as they hear Sirius yet out a muffled sort of grunt.
“Fuck,” Sirius whines, and James now peaks out of the curtains.
“Alright, mate?” Regulus hears James ask, still having no clue as to what happened.
“Yep—perfectly fine,” Sirius wheezes. “Moony shoved me out of the fucking bed, is all.”
“You deserved it,” Regulus hears Remus say, his voice somewhat quiet, probably still in said bed and concealed behind the curtains.
James laughs at the two of them, bringing his head back in as Sirius calls Remus a prick.
“Hope you’re not planning on pushing me out of the bed, as well,” he says to Regulus, who merely shrugs, letting his mouth twist into a small smile. “You’re evil.”
As James lays back down, facing Regulus with a cheesy smile on his face, things almost feel normal. Regulus lets himself forget about everything else, reaching up to poke James’ cheek affectionately.
Then, James ruins it without even meaning to.
“You’ll never guess what I found out yesterday,” he says, still smiling.
“What?” Regulus asks, now holding James’ cheek. He glides his fingers along the faint dusting of freckles and acne scars.
“Carmella is dressing up as Juliet tonight!” He sounds excited, Regulus notices almost straight away. “Completely unplanned, but so bloody cool, right?”
Regulus starts to retract his hand, then stops, not really knowing what to do with himself. “Yeah,” he says faintly.
“Tonight’s gonna be so fun,” James enthuses, now turning slightly to look up at the top of his bed. He’s put these glow in the dark stickers on the roof, another muggle thing that Regulus doesn’t really understand. They’re interesting, though, he must admit.
“Yeah,” Regulus repeats.
“You sure you’re not going to dress up, baby?”
“Probably. There’s nobody for me to dress up as. I could wear a masquerade mask thing, maybe.”
James lights up. “Oh! That’s a great idea. You’d look amazing.”
“Okay,” Regulus nods, though he’s no clue where the fuck to get a masquerade mask from. He supposes Dorcas could make him one. She’s quite nifty with that sort of stuff.
“I can’t wait to see it,” James tells him, leaning forward to lick Regulus’ nose before kissing his lips. Regulus’ face scrunches up, but he melts into the kiss, trying to feel happy.
Later, as the party begins and he arrives with his friends in tow, the first person he looks for is James. Of course.
James had already shown him the costume, so he knows what to look for.
Regulus himself is wearing an intricately designed masquerade mask that conceals a majority of his face, save for the bottom half. Pandora has braided silver jewellery into his hair and fluffed it up a little. He still looks like himself, yet different. Regulus feels good enough about himself for once, excited for James to see.
His friends have left for the drinks table, save for Pandora, who’s trailing behind him and looking for Xeno.
It doesn’t take long for Regulus to notice his boyfriend. James is standing with a group of people, some of which Regulus doesn’t recognise. Carmella is beside him.
She genuinely looks like his second half, the two of them smiling and matching costumes like a couple.
When Regulus comes to stand beside James, James genuinely takes absolutely no notice of his presence, not even turning to look at him. He continues to laugh and joke around, grabbing Carmella’s drink and sipping from it.
“Like our costumes?” James asks somebody Regulus doesn’t know the name of.
“Yes! You guys look adorable together,” they say, and James only laughs it off. He doesn’t mention that they’re not a couple, or that they didn’t even plan to match. He just accepts this person's compliment.
Regulus feels this crack his chest open, and he doesn’t know what to do anymore.
“James?” escapes his mouth before he can really stop it.
James looks at him, staring at him with little expression for a solid ten seconds before his eyes alight with recognition. “Reg? You look so—different! I didn’t even know that was you.”
Regulus hums, not feeling up to saying much else.
“You look great, love,” James is saying, twirling one of Regulus’ curls around his finger. “How long have you been here for?”
The rest of the night for Regulus zones out into a blur. The rest of the night for Regulus is lonely.
After their short interaction, James wanders off interacting with everybody but him. Regulus follows him around at first, feeling dumb, before he decides to just sit in his own corner of the room and keep to himself.
He drowns himself in alcohol, watching James thrive without him.
At some point, he feels the urge to shout at James. To shout, I’m the best thing at this party—why won’t you notice me?
Regulus doesn’t go through with it. He just—wants James to notice him. To see him.
Sirius even sits with Regulus for a while, but inevitably gets dragged away by a few of their friends to dance. They try to get Regulus to join, and after a while of persuading, Regulus decides to. He needs to get his mind off of James.
He rises, a lot more intoxicated than he realised. He feels unsteady on his feet as he heads to the centre of the room.
Regulus dances with everyone who’s there. Sirius for a while, then Sirius and Remus. Mary. Dorcas. Pandora and Xeno. He lets himself loose, something he doesn’t usually do. At this moment, he’s got no clue where James is, and he doesn’t really want to know, either. He’s sick of moping and waiting around for James.
For some reason, though, Regulus’ indifference as to whether he has James’ attention or not seems to… gain James’ attention?
After a while of dancing with his eyes closed, he opens them to see James right there. James smiles when he catches Regulus’ eye, holding out a hand to, Regulus guesses, dance with him. “You look beautiful,” James is saying over the music.
Regulus, intoxicated and sick of waiting for James to do something meaningful, turns away. His chest feels heavy as he does it, but he doesn’t look back.
It’s been a week. A week since the party, and a week since Regulus, effectively, ended things with James.
It wasn’t really a spoken thing. James tried to talk to him for a few of the days following, but he gave up after a while, probably because Regulus was avoiding him like the plague.
Now, Regulus is sitting at the Slytherin table in The Great Hall, talking distractedly with Dorcas and Evan. He hasn’t looked over at the Gryffindor table yet. He wants to—so badly wants to. Just to see what he’s missing out on.
He has to stop himself at least four times before he gives up.
Regulus makes the mistake of looking over at their table—right where James is sitting.
Carmella is sitting beside him, smiling right at James and running a hand through his untameable hair. She says something to him, and James laughs, loud and free. He doesn’t seem to have any grievances about the end of his and Regulus’ relationship.
That’s—just fine. It’s perfect. Regulus doesn’t care.
He has to tell himself this at least four times, though it doesn’t become any less of a lie.