Archive of Our Own

"Evan!"

The warmth oozing from the sun penetrates into his skin, down to his bones as he stands under the leaves of a big, stupendous tree in their front yard, and he quickly twists his head when a young, lively voice of a teenage boy calls out for his name.

"Evan!" It's his big brother Daniel, running towards him with a wide grin on his face and a ball in his hand. "Evan! Catch it!"

"Hey!" He doesn't have time to react properly when Daniel throws the ball at him but he opens his arms fast enough to catch it— one of his teachers always tells him and his parents that his reflexes are better than most of his peers, and Evan's baby blues light up with victory as he lets out a childish chuckle.

"It's your turn!" Evan says, the plastic ball a little too big in his small hand as he chases after Daniel. "Hey!"

"Watch out, watch out!"

Closing the distance between himself and Daniel, Evan's fast moving legs don't let him gear down, and he clashes straight into Daniel's chest with an oof sound, face pressed to his brother's shirt and ball escaping from his hand, rolling on the ground.

"Ha!" Daniel's arms wrap around Evan as he falters back a few steps, but the smile on his face grows even bigger, tightening his hold around the kid. "Gotcha!"

A muffled giggle escapes Evan's lips and his chest fills with a fuzzy feeling that spreads every inch of him. Despite the hot weather, his brother smells like fresh detergent and deodorant, a scent that manages to bring safety whenever he needs without even needing to ask for it, and Evan folds his arms around Daniel's waist to hold on just a little longer, clinging to the hems of his shirt, but they both shoot their head up when Maddie's thin voice gets their attention.

"Boys!" Maddie shouts from the porch, waving her hand. "Come on, Mom made lemonade!"

"Yes!"

The game long forgotten, Evan rushes towards the front porch where his dad is sitting around the table full of pastries and sweets, reading a newspaper, and Maddie settled next to him, already sipping her lemonade, and Daniel follows him behind.

"There you are." His dad says, folding the paper to put it on the surface.

Daniel sits next to Philip, and Evan sits on the chair next to Maddie, grabbing a chocolate donut from the plate. "Hey, dad."

"Here comes the lemonade." His mom chimes in with a playful tone, putting the tray on the table.

The glasses are filled with ice and a bright yellow liquid, just like how Evan likes it, and even without taking a sip Evan can tell that he's going to finish half of the glass bottle.

He takes one of the cups, "Thanks, mom." and smiles when Margaret plants a kiss on top of his curls before sitting next to him.

The syrupy sweet liquid travels down his throat and sends chills to his stomach, and Evan feels himself perk up like a lighthouse as the drink freshens him up

"Did you like it?" Mom asks.

He licks his lips, tasting the remaining of the lemon. "I love it. Tastes so good."

"Maddie helped me with the measurements." She caresses Maddie's hair.

Taking another sip of her lemonade and clicking her tongue, Maddie says: "Dad said he could take us to the movies this afternoon, what do you guys say?"

Oh?

Daniel's face falls in a frown. "But I thought you had a meeting today?"

"Yeah, dad." Evan tilts his head. "What about it?"

"I did." Philip nods, then shrugs with a sigh. "But I rescheduled it." His eyes land on Evan, and they shine with love and care and everything that melts Evan's heart. "You guys are more important."

To that, the corners of Evan's eyes crinkle when he ducks his head and smiles, can't help but to feel lucky to have a family like his. "You're the best dad ev—

It's still dark when Buck's eyes crack open before his brain can even come to its senses, brows wrinkled as he squints with a groan and stares at the space before him, the fuzzy clouds over his mind still weighing heavy.

He doesn't know what woke him up in the middle of the night where the world is dead, it’s been just a bit more than a few hours since he went to bed, but funnily enough, Buck wishes he didn’t wake up, because now that he’s slowly coming to himself, he notices that there’s this weird longing feeling sitting deep in his chest, and the feeling only makes itself impossible to ignore when Buck realizes even though he just opened his eyes, there’s a smile twisting up his lips.

A genuine, soft, happy smile.

What the fuck?

Propping himself up on his elbows to straighten himself up in bed, Buck’s face drops as he closes his eyes and runs a hand down his face with a sigh leaving his lips, and swallows down the bitter taste in his mouth.

His mind is still fuzzy around the edges and despite being awake, the dream he just had keeps playing behind his eyes like a movie scene, crystal clear and real , and Buck feels annoyance slowly making its way up to his system for a reason he doesn’t know.

It was just a dream. That’s what it was.

A dream.

Get a grip.

He reaches for his phone on the nightstand and he grimaces when the strong, bright light of the screen forces its hue into his eyes, blinding him; and Buck lets out another sigh when the clock reads 3.41 am.

It’s too early for this.

Pushing the covers aside, Buck plants his feet on the ground and the mattress creaks as he slowly stands up, leaving his phone on the bed. The only source of light in the room is the street lamps shining through the window, but Buck doesn’t bother switching the lights on when he carefully takes one step at a time down the stairs— not until he reaches the ground floor, anyway.

He turns on the under cabinet lights as he passes through the entrance, his hand blindly finding the button, and the kitchen lights up with a dim yellow color, surrounding the room like a shadow.

His throat feels like sand when he swallows, dry and scratchy; Buck grabs a cup from one of the cabinets, a bottle from the fridge, and pours himself a water, taking big gulps and finishing the whole thing in seconds.

Now that he's coherent, his mind doesn't stop racing.

It was so real. So real as if it was within Buck's reach and he could've had it just like that; the house, Daniel, his parents, Maddie— hell, even the lemonade he could taste, and the worst is that it felt good . It felt so fucking good.

Living in his dream, experiencing a glimpse of the childhood he never had, having a normal life, Buck felt happy . He was so happy that even as he remembers his dream, his eyes soften, and a smile curves up his lips as Buck involuntarily ducks his head, a feeling of content wrapping his every fiber.

Then he realizes what the hell he's doing, and it's like a bucket of cold water poured down his head.

"The fuck?" Buck spits out, brows gathered and jaw clenched, that happy feeling he's already gotten used to like an idiot disappears just like that and leaves its place to anger building up inside quicker than fire.

It's not real, it wasn't real, it was just some stupid dream and nothing else. His life isn't that, it will never be that. It was just a weird, trippy fucked up thing that his weak mind surrendered against and it wasn't real , but, god why did it feel so good? Why did he feel so safe and happy and whole like all of it was his ?

And why does he ache for more?

The beat of his heart kicking against his ribcage like a racehorse, Buck's face heats up as tears slowly dwell in his eyes, his line of vision getting blurry each passing second.

It wasn't real. It wasn't. It will never be real.

He keeps staring at the counter, looking through the cold marble, his hand makes a fist and his short nails dig his skin so harsh that his knuckles turn white and Buck swallows down the wet whimper trying to come out of his clenched teeth.

It's wasn't real, it wasn't real, it wasn't re—

"Stop." Buck whispers to himself and shakes his head, his breath catches in his throat and tears roll down his dry skin without mercy. His heart feels heavy in his chest, too big to carry, and Buck doesn't know what to do with it or how to make it go away.

Maybe he should be grateful for having a taste of the impossible happiness he'd always dreamt of— it's the best he's ever gonna get, so maybe he should savor that feeling until it fades from his bones and leaves him miserable, then he can go back to living his life with clinging onto those scatters of false memories to find some solace.

Maybe it's for the best, anyway.

Buck wipes the dampness away with the back of his hand and sniffles back the next quiet cry, and lets out a shaky breath, his heartbeat somewhat returning to normal.

When he convinces himself that he snapped out of it enough, Buck makes his way to the living room and slumps on the couch after grabbing the remote and turning the TV on.

It's still early— practically still night time, but not only all the sleep Buck had already vanished, but also his nerves are too worked up to let him get a proper rest as well, he doesn't even fight back against it.

There's a baking show on TV, a show he watches with Chris, the sound is on low and Buck just stares at the screen, his glassy blues not seeing anything beyond what's in his mind, not really.

Until the morning, Buck doesn't sleep. He rests his head against the back of the couch, keeps his gaze fixed on the glass screen, and thinks about his little Evan's laughter, Daniel's warm embrace, and the taste of his mom's lemonade.

Eddie corners him in the morning at the station.

His mind isn't as hazy as it was yesterday, but the tiredness of staying awake all night finally catches up on him, and it looks like Eddie can see it from his face, blue eyes dull and face pale.

He's good, though. He's tired, but he feels content , remnants of happiness still coursing through his system.

"Are you okay?" Eddie asks him, tugging him from the elbow and pulling him to the corner.

There's not many people at the upper level of the station, but he keeps his voice low anyway, and Buck can see the hint of worry crossing his face.

Buck's face falls in a frown. "Yeah, why?"

"You're acting weird." He answers, squinting his eyes suspiciously.

Buck's heart skips a beat at Eddie's obvious care, but he immediately shoves the feeling aside. Tilting his head, Buck's brows gather. "Weird how?"

"I don't know, man, just weird." Eddie shrugs. His gaze softens as he keeps staring at Buck, and wraps his long fingers around his forearm, making Buck feel like he's gonna combust when he gives him a light squeeze. "Is everything alright?"

Buck can't help the soft smile curving the corners of his lips, his insides melting, and lets out the quietest chuckle. "Yeah, it's just— I did— couldn't sleep well last night, is all."

"Long night?" Eddie teases, his tone gets a little sharp around the edges and he cracks out a tense, faint smile, the glint in his eyes dimming.

Buck rolls his eyes. "Fuck off." Shaking his head. "No it's nothing like that."

Eddie's eyes stay on him, quietly studying and contemplating in his mind— Buck knows him too well, but thankfully he doesn't push any further. He taps on Buck's shoulder lightly and nods.

"Alright, if you say so."

They make it back to the couches after that where Hen and Chim are settled, and the conversation shifts to something entirely different.

Throughout the day, Buck feels Eddie's prying eyes on him watching him silently as if he's waiting for Buck to crack, but Buck doesn't say anything. He keeps smiling and cracking jokes and messing with Eddie while visions of his dream swims in his mind like a short film, demanding his attention. It only starts to feel too much when he nears the end of his shift and gets too tired to force himself to concentrate on anything other than that.

When finally it's time to get off work, Buck says his goodbyes to everyone and drives home.

His loft is deadly quiet as it always is when Buck twists the knob and lets himself in, the only sound of life being the honks of the vehicles at the busy traffic and the distant voices of people on the street nearby, and for the first time in a long time Buck is glad to own a quiet place.

On a normal day, He would be too desperate to have something, anything that is strong enough to silence those racing thoughts running inside his brain like a hamster in a wheel, but not today.

Today, Buck is— has been, dying to come home to his soulless apartment and let those pieces of his dream wrap him up inside out until he's numb with a sweet rush of euphoria that intoxicates him.

Turning the lights on, Buck drops his bag on the floor, places his keys and his phone on the kitchen island, goes up the stairs to take a quick shower, and changes into his sweatpants and a loose t-shirt before making his way back to the kitchen to have some leftovers for dinner.

His moves as if he's on an autopilot, mind in somewhere far away as he puts the plate on the table, Buck only notices when he pops up a bottle of beer that he has a faint grin on his lips lighting up his face, and this time he can't help the breathy chuckle leaving his mouth, doesn't even fight back against it.

He has his dinner in silence, taking big bites and sips of his beer, followed by another glass when he finishes the first one; the tension on Buck's muscles slowly slackens, and he feels himself relaxing more and more as he passes the time with watching TV, texting with Eddie, tidying up the place until he starts yawning, and it's time to call it a day.

When Buck climbs under the covers and his head hits the pillow, fear slowly starts to crawl its way up his chest and buzzes under his skin ever so slightly. He doesn't know if he's going to have another dream or if it was a one time thing, and deep down it scares him. He's scared that it was just a lucky night, and that he won't be able to experience it ever again, and it scares him even more how he's clinging onto that made up content sensation only a twenty second long vision made him feel, but he also knows it will push him over the edge of his breaking point if he faces the cruel reality waiting for him.

So in his quiet and dark bedroom Buck lets out a long sigh, checks his phone one last time, and closes his eyes, not knowing but hoping that it happens again.

"Are you ready?" Daniel asks while Maddie stands next to him, smiling as she looks at Evan.

Evan's lips twist with a pout, brows wrinkled, and he shakes his head. "No."

His siblings want to teach him how to ride a bicycle, and it's safe to say Evan is a little bit hesitant.

It's Daniel's bike he's sitting on, and for some reason he really, really doesn't want to crash it.

"Oh, come on, Evan!" Maddie chimes in, the sound of her voice cheerful and supportive. "We'll help you, you can do it."

Daniel places his hand on his shoulder, and squeezes firmly. "Are you ready?"

Taking in a deep breath, Evan fixes his eyes on the road and nods. "I am."

"One, two—" Maddie starts counting. "— three!"

Daniel pushes him from behind and just like that, the wheels start turning.

The bicycle slightly sways from left to right when he loses his balance at first but quickly Evan tightens his grip on the handles and keeps pedaling and as he keeps going, the corner of his eyes crinkle and he lets out a loud, funny chuckle.

He's riding the bicycle.

Maddie jumps joyfully as she claps and cheers: "You're doing it!"

"Keep going, Evan!" Daniel joins, too, cheering for Evan.

Even though he can't see their faces, Evan can feel the pride and joy oozing through their voices and his heart swells with the warmth of it; Daniel and Maddie's voices surround him like a cool breeze and lift him up as if he's on the clouds where everything is lightler.

Turns out he doesn't have to be scared of screwing things up, because he knows now that no matter what happens, Daniel and Maddie and his parents will have his back at all times.

Evan keeps pedaling, and when he nears the corner of the street where their house is at, he sees his mom waving at him with a smile on his face.

"I'm so pro—

Buck cracks his eyes open with a smile again, and almost misses work because he doesn't hear his stubborn alarm ringing on the nightstand waiting for him to turn it off.

Skipping breakfast, Buck washes his face, changes into his outside clothes, grabs his bag and phone, and storms off as if he's on autopilot again with the remnants of his dream in mind keeping him occupied.

When he finally makes it to work, it's Bobby and Chim's suspicious looks that greet him on the upper level.

"You good?" Bobby asks, one brow arched.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." Buck brushes it off as he tries to keep his panting breaths under control, chest heaving. "Didn't hear the alarm."

If his eyes meet Eddie's who's standing afar, staring at him with his stern expression and pursed lips, Buck chooses not to drown in it despite the sizzle in his heart begging for attention.

Instead, he focuses on the content feeling his mind feeds him with.

That evening, Buck buys sleeping pills.

Because why would he deprive himself of a happiness that he had always wanted, and is finally able to grasp? 

"Trouble sleeping?" The pharmacist asks him, a gentle smile on her face as she fills the plastic bottle.

Buck ducks his head and lets out a soft chuckle, licking his lips. "Something like that."

She mumbles a hum of acknowledgement and when she's done sticking the label, she puts the bottle in a small bag and hands it to him. "There you go." She says. "Have a good night, mister."

"Thank you." Buck takes the bag, smiling. "You, too."

When he's finally home, Buck repeats his routine that is taking a shower, having dinner, and texting Eddie until sleep starts to crawl up his senses and makes him woozy.

This time, though, it's different.

It's as if the moment he's been waiting for throughout the day is finally here, and Buck can't contain the weird feeling buzzing under his skin from blowing up full force.

It's that he's been dying to sleep, and now he finally can.

So that's what Buck does.

He pops up two pills, slides under the covers, and waits to drift off with excitement pumping in his blood.

He dreams again, and wakes up smiling, and takes another two pills when it's time to go to bed.

He dreams again, and wakes up smiling, and takes another two pills when it's time to go to bed.

The same thing happens the next day,

and the next,

and the next,

and the next.

He declines Eddie's offer when it's after lunchtime and everyone is resting other than Buck and Eddie, who are slumped on the sofa side by side, so close that their shoulders brush against one another.

"It's been more than a week since you've come." Eddie says, his voice still gentle despite his stubborn protest. "Chris misses you."

Buck runs a hand down his face and swallows down the lump in his throat at the mention of Chris. It just feels wrong, but also doesn't.

"I miss him, too, but you know how busy work has been lately."

It's a blatant lie, Buck knows.

Their shifts have been anything but busy.

And he knows Eddie knows.

They are looking at each other still, but it's when hurt crosses Eddie's big, shiny hazels and a hesitant expression paints his face Buck feels his heart shatter into millions of pieces, each tiny sharp piece stabbing him everywhere.

"He's not the only one who misses you."

Suddenly, words taste sour in his mouth, and Buck's shoulders drop. He can only let out a sound of protest that's even weak to his own ears, face slightly screwed. "Eddie—"

"Buck." Eddie turns himself towards Buck, scoots closer, and his warm hand burns Buck's cold skin when he wraps it around Buck's forearm, worry dripping through his low voice. "You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

He would. He would tell Eddie everything.

But not this. This, he wants to keep.

Because what if Eddie doesn't think it's good for him and tries to take it away?

"Of course I would." Buck's lips twist up with a forced, faint smile. "I promise."

After a moment of silence, Eddie lets out a long sigh and gives him a nod.

"Alright." He says. "You'll come next week, then."

"I will."

Thank god, thank fucking god Eddie doesn't push him any further, because for the first time in maybe weeks Buck feels himself seconds away from breaking.

But everything goes back on track when he finishes his shift and goes home.

The same thing happens again,

and again,

and again.

Buck doesn't notice the glint in his baby blues slowly dimming, and the healthy pale of his skin getting ashier.

His mind feels fuzzier each time he pops up a pill, gray clouds weighing down his mushy brain, but he forgets the feeling when he drifts off to sleep and sees his family. He doesn't care anyway.

Because he wakes up happy, instead.

The worst thing is as the days go by, Buck feels the invisible tension that he tries to ignore between him and Eddie slowly but surely fuel up, and still Buck acts like everything's fine. Because everything is fine, even though he knows Eddie isn't thinking the same.

Until he fucks up at work.

"What the fuck is your problem, Buckley?!" Eddie almost— no, not almost, he shouts as they finally get off the truck and enter the station, anger dripping from his voice in a way that makes Buck's skin crawl.

Adrenaline has been pumping in his blood through the ride back, faint trembles running through his hands and a thin sound of static screeching his eardrums accompanying the erratic beat of his heart; but as the minutes pass and the shock of what just happened becomes a blur, Buck feels himself slowly crashing and can sense the fatigue threatening to take his body over, his already scattered brain now feeling heavier than ever.

And right now, Eddie is only pushing him towards the edge more.

"I don't have a fucking problem, Diaz ." Buck snarks back, turning around and stopping right in front of Eddie, his brows furrowed. He doesn't have it in him to fight, but for some reason he's too wired to stop. "You saw what happened, it was a mistake, why the hell are you being so mad about it?"

Eddie's eyes widen in disbelief as he chokes out a bitter scoff, face flushed with frustration. "Yeah you almost fell into a metal shredder and got yourself sliced because your head wasn't straight!"

" Almost!" Veins on Buck's reddened neck pop when he shouts back, his throat scratching. He can see other firefighters throwing them weird glances as they pass, and Buck hates every second of it. He just wants to go home and sleep. "Chim caught me before something happened and guess what? Nothing happened! Stop making it a big deal."

"Okay." It's Bobby this time, taking a step between them interrupting them with a firm tone, his face serious. "That's enough."

But Eddie doesn't stop.

"Big deal?! Fucking unbelievable.” Eddie rolls his eyes as he spits out, and his voice gets even louder as if it’s possible. Taking a step closer, Eddie’s gaze fixes on Buck, and the look on Eddie’s face is something Buck has never seen on him before. “You almost di—”

“Oh, give me a fucking break!” Buck’s face twists as he grimaces in almost disgust, throwing his hands in the air. The walls feel like they are coming closer and closer, and Buck can’t breathe under the heaviness of it.. He wants to go .  “What do you want from m—”

“Buck, Eddie.” Bobby again, wrapping his fingers around Buck’s wrist and lowering it down. “That’s enou—”

“No, you can’t run away this time.” Eddie presses, and although he sounds so upset, Buck can sense the desperation lying underneath the demanding tone of his voice.“You've been acting like shit for the last few weeks, you’re not telling us anything, you’re avoiding me?! What’s wrong with you?”

“Why are you so curiou—”

“Enough!”

Both Buck and Eddie startle at Bobby’s shout, and the room goes quiet just like that, not one soul daring to make a sound. With his knitted brows, glaring eyes and clenched jaw, Bobby looks absolutely outraged, and Buck can only swallow down the lump in his throat, a feeling he can only identify as fear slowly spreading to his chest.

“This is a fire station, not a playground..” Bobby says. “Stop acting like five year olds.”

“Cap—”

“I’m sending you home, both of you. And I don’t want to see you guys until next week.”

What the hell? “Bobby—”

“No.” Bobby shakes his head. “ You’re going to deal with whatever problem you have and fix it. I can’t let you work like this when you’re ready to bite each other’s throat off.”

Buck’s eyes briefly meet Eddie’s before Eddie looks away, and Buck drops his gaze on the ground as well, the invisible chain wrapped around his body squeezing him tighter at the sight of Eddie’s honey-like but sad stare.

There’s no way out, not when Bobby is involved. And he has no option but to go home.

At least he’ll feel better if he sleeps.

Letting out a sigh, Buck chews the inside of his cheeks and nods in acknowledgement, his voice small when he mumbles. “Sorry, Cap.”

“It won’t happen again.” Eddie promises.

“We’re going to have a talk after you come back.” Is all Bobby says, but thankfully the expression on his face slightly softens. He pinches the bridge of his nose with a short huff of air leaving his lips, and then straightens himself up. “Now go.”

After Bobby leaves, Buck gathers his stuff from the locker room with Eddie doing the same thing next to him, but they don't speak to each other, they only throw quick stares at each other when the other one isn't looking, but nothing else happens.

When Buck gets in his car first, he waits for Eddie to throw his bag on the backseat and to settle in his own car, and watches him drive off.

Buck sits in his seat and waits some more until the shaking of his hands fade enough to let him have a steady grip around the wheel, and finally drives home.

Buck feels like a train ran him over when he makes it to the loft, a burning ache straining his muscles and crushing his bones. There's darkness clouding his brain, a weight that pulls him down and makes him dizzy in the head, and all Buck wants is to take a few pills, curl in his bed, and drift off to his happy place until he feels like he can breathe again.

So that's what he does.

Leaving his phone unattended on the kitchen counter, Buck quickly takes a shower, changes into one of his loose t-shirts and basketball shorts, and climbs under the thin covers after popping up two pills from the drawer next to his bed.

He closes his eyes and not so patiently waits for sleep to take over, anticipation coursing through his body despite being bone deep tired but in the end, his eyelids begin to droop slowly.

Before he drifts, Buck hears a distant chime of his phone coming from downstairs filling the silence— probably Eddie, but mom whispers to him to close his eyes, and so Buck happily does.

Eddie hates this.

He hates this so fucking much.

He just.

The thing is, he misses Buck, has been missing him for the last few weeks, and after what happened today at work, that suffocating feeling sitting in his chest only grows bigger and swallows him whole.

Because it's like Buck is slipping away from him, and no matter what he does, Eddie's hands are too weak to can't hold him, and all there is left behind is this big hole right in the middle of his heart, dripping its blood on the floor.

It's been a few hours since Eddie made it home, took a shower and called Buck, and Buck still hasn't returned to his call. He understands though, the guy is probably resting— hell, Eddie himself also needs a rest after their argument, but what keeps him on his toes is the possibility of Buck intentionally avoiding him, and it's something Eddie doesn't dare cross his mind.

Buck wouldn't do that to him.

So he waits.

Sitting on the couch, Eddie stretches his legs on the coffee table, grabs the remote, and turns the TV on before leaning back against the cushions.

There's a rerun of a cooking show on the screen with the contestants' voices filling the quiet room— Chris is at a sleepover today, and that leaves him all alone at home with no one else around. That's why Eddie doesn't even bother. He doesn't even fake watching it as he stares through the pictures, his eyes stay locked on the TV while the same racing thoughts he's been having lately possess his mind once again; Eddie lets out a deep breath through his nose and keeps thinking of Buck as if it's the easiest thing to do in the world while waits for his phone to ring.

But it doesn't ring.

An hour passes, and everything stays the same other than Eddie's patience, which no longer exists.

He's not even upset or annoyed, if anything there's a hint of worry ready to blossom in his guts but what makes Eddie have enough is that desperate need to do something vibrating underneath his skin. The urge to go and see Buck that's too loud for Eddie to silence.

And Eddie doesn't even resist.

"Fuck this." He mumbles under his breath as he turns the TV off and springs to his feet.

He's going to see Buck.

His heart begins to pick up its pace at the sudden decision, a tiny, hidden part in his brain silently whispering to him to not do it, but Eddie doesn't listen to it.

Instead, he grabs his phone and jacket, locks the door behind him, gets in the car, and starts driving to Buck's loft.

But when he stands outside Buck’s door and knocks three times, no one answers.

He knows Buck is in the loft— or so he guesses because his Jeep is parked outside, which means Buck is either sleeping or went outside for a run, but knowing how Buck has been these days, Eddie doubts it's the latter.

It's no use to wait any longer, he has spare keys exactly for days like these anyway; his keychain jingles as he takes it out from his jacket, Eddie twists the lock after he slides the key in, and gently pushes the door open to let himself in.

Darkness greets Eddie as he steps inside and closes the door, and his eyes catch the sight of Buck's duffel bag on the floor, then move to his phone facing down on the kitchen island when he switches the lights on. There's no distant sound of a water running coming from anywhere, and Buck's running shoes are still located in their usual place, which leaves only one thing.

He's right. Buck is at home, possibly sleeping.

He only realizes his body was feeling tense like a live wire when a wave of relief coming from being in the same place with Buck washes over him, and he silently moves up the stairs where he figures Buck is in.

A broad figure slumped into the mattress underneath a thin cover swims into Eddie’s line of vision as he takes the steps one by one, and here is Buck on the left side of the bed that's away from the stairs, lying on his stomach with one bent arm resting close to his chest and the covers draped just above his waist, sleeping soundly. The lights from downstairs light up the bedroom pretty decently, and the daylight hue caressing Buck’s relaxed form makes it easier for Eddie to see the other man clearly.

As Eddie comes closer, his eyes trace Buck’s disheveled curls sticking out everywhere, his creaseless brows and slack face, his pale skin; he stares at the way Buck’s chest rises and falls with each steady breath and the way he looks impossibly young when he’s resting. The more Eddie looks at him, the more his heart swells in his chest and warmth fills his insides, and a soft smile curves up his lips when he notices the faint smile on Buck’s lips despite being dead to the world. He looks relaxed like this, peaceful even— something Eddie missed seeing on Buck for the longest time, and Eddie doesn't have the heart to wake him up just yet.

Sitting on the right side of the bed next to Buck, Eddie's hand finds its way into Buck's hair before he can even think about it as if it's second nature to him, fingers burying themselves in those soft, dirty blond curls. The tip of his fingers lightly scratch Buck's scalp as he runs them through his hair in slow, rhythmic motions, and Eddie's smile grows bigger when Buck relaxes more and nuzzles the side of his face onto the pillow.

He missed doing… whatever this is. And his heart stings when he remembers the last few days, few weeks, and how it's probably the first time they are this close ever since then.

Eddie needs to figure out what's wrong.

But until then, he can let Buck rest just a little longer.

He wakes Buck up when Buck doesn't wake up on his own.

It’s not that late yet but if Buck stays asleep for much longer, Eddie knows his sleeping schedule will be fucked up, and they still need to have a conversation, so Buck needs to wake up eventually.

Placing his hand on Buck’s shoulder blade, Eddie gives his loose muscles a light squeeze, feeling the warmth oozing through the thin fabric. “Buck.” He says with a voice above a whisper just a nudge. “Wake up.”

It’s kinda cute how Buck still has that faint smile on but although Eddie wants nothing more than to let him be, he shakes him again when Buck only presses himself into the mattress deeper despite Eddie’s attempt and doesn’t wake up.

“Buck, come on, man.” Eddie says once again. “It’s getting late.”

Buck starts to stir ever so slightly, his face twitching; his eyelids slowly slit open, revealing those glassy baby blues. For a few times, Buck blinks sluggishly and wanders his eyes around, trying to figure out what's going on and come to himself at the same time, and the smile on his face never disappears.

He looks so fucking soft and warm , and it's one of the best sights Eddie has ever seen, it melts his heart and gives him life.

Until he starts to regain his focus and his eyes land on Eddie.

"Hey." Eddie's tone is gentle when he mumbles, his expression soft as cotton; his lips curve up with an involuntary smile as he waits for Buck to look at him and his heart does a flip in his chest until Buck notices him, hand still on Buck's shoulder blade.

But when the misty veil over Buck's blues lifts and he looks at Eddie, really sees him, the dreamy look on his face leaves its place to a confused frown, and the smile on his plump lips vanish just like that, brows gathering slowly.

"Eddie?" Buck croaks out, voice rough with sleep.

It's fuckind hard, but still Eddie tries his damn best to not let his lips twist down, and forces a strained smile. "Hi."

And Buck, his frown deepens when he turns his head to look at the hand Eddie has on his shoulder, and he flinches back, supporting himself up on his elbow as he straightens himself up in a sitting position.

Buck looks distraught , and Eddie wants to rip himself to pieces.

"Why'd you wake me up?" Buck asks him, and god, he sounds so disappointed , suddenly Eddie thinks he's not even allowed to touch him anymore. His palm burns like he's touching something forbidden.

Eddie pulls his hand away to rest it on the mattress between them, his fingers twitching with the need to reach out, and he swallows down the lump in his throat just in case he doesn't choke in his own hurt.

"You've been sleeping for too long, I just—" Words taste like acid on his tongue, causing him to grimace, and he has to swallow again before he can continue. His own voice sounds fucked up to his own ears. "— I wanted to talk to you."

Buck looks at him, carrying something behind those eyes that Eddie can't decipher what; he then lowers his gaze on his lap, and gives Eddie a barely there nod.

But he doesn't say anything.

"Do you want me to leave?"

He's scared of the answer he's gonna get, his stomach twists and turns and his heart threatens to drop in his chest and he wants to throw up so bad; and when Buck keeps his silence and shrugs, doesn't even look at him, Eddie honest to god contemplates leaving.

He just… he thinks about getting up, gathering his things and going back home.

But this isn't his Buck, it's not him, and Eddie rather die than to leave him alone like this.

Letting out a sigh, Eddie runs a hand down his face with a quiet groan leaving his lips, and lfts his head to look at Buck. "What's going on, Buck?"

He needs to know. He needs to know so he can help him.

Buck stays quiet, refusing to look at Eddie, he keeps staring at his hands and his Adam's apple bobs up and down as he swallows.

Eddie isn't sure if Buck is even in there.

After a moment of stillness, he tries again.

"Buck."

And then, Eddie sees something shift in Buck.

Closing his eyes, Buck lets out a breath through his nose, licks his chapped lips, and his shoulders hunch down as if he's admitting defeat.

And when he finally speaks, it's like there is not an ounce of strength left in him. Worn down, broken and given up. "It's not gonna work, is it?"

It's Eddie's turn to frown. "What?"

Buck shakes his head, and his face twists with disgust. “No matter what I do, nothing will change.”

He drops his head in his hand, forehead pressing the heel of his palm, and his fingers sink into his curls. Clenching his eyes shut even though they are already close, Buck shakes his head once again and a tiny sound resembling a whimper vibrates in his throat.

He looks so hurt, Eddie can’t stand it any longer.

“Hey, hey.” Eddie’s voice is soft and burdened with care as he scoots closer and rests his hand on Buck’s shoulder blade. He tilts his head to see Buck’s face, and the lump in his throat gets heavier at the sight of the other man. “Hey, talk to me.”

Another heartbreaking whimper escapes Buck’s lips before he sucks in a shaky breath, his voice small. “You’re gonna think I’m stupid.”

“Never.” Eddie answers without wasting a second, knitting his brows. “I would never think that. Please tell me.”

At last, Buck lowers his hand on his lap, his other hand immediately starting to pick the skin on his thumb; he chews the insides of his cheeks and starts talking, hesitant. “I had this— this dream. A few weeks ago.”

“About what?”

“About— about my family.” Buck clears his throat, lifting his eyes to throw Eddie a quick glance before looking down at his hands. “Uh, it was weird, you know, Daniel was there, and— and my parents, Maddie, they were all there. And I was there, too, as a kid.”

Eddie nods, and Buck continues.

“And— I was happy?” Buck huffs out a low chuckle that doesn’t reach his eyes, licking his lips. “Uh, I was happy, and my parents, they were happy, and me and Maddie, we were playing with Daniel and— it felt good, you know? It felt like I was living a normal life.”

As Buck keeps talking, Eddie sees where this is going, and his mouth feels dry like sandpaper, his heart too heavy to carry, and his hands feel like ice, like his blood stopped coursing through his veins.

“I knew it wasn’t real, I knew that moments after I woke up, but—” His voice cracking at the last word, Buck barely swallows down the next mewl building up inside, his pale face now flushed and eyes glistening with tears. “— I knew it wasn’t real, but it felt like— like I could finally have it, and I wanted more. I wanted to be happy and live my childhood just for once.”

Eddie’s voice is shaky when he whispers, and he doesn’t realize the hotness spreading on his face is because of the tears dwelling in his eyes. “Buck…”

“I know I’ll never get to have that,” Buck sniffles, “I know that. But— but I had it in my dreams and—” A small whimper. “— I wasn’t hurting when I was there. I was loved and it felt so fucking good.”

Buck’s face screws in agony and a tear rolls down his cheek, and even though he can’t stop the tiny cry tearing his throat this time round, he quickly sniffles and wipes the dampness away with the back of his hand.

But Eddie is quicker.

“Hey.” He closes the distance between them, his knee brushing Buck’s thigh, and cups Buck’s face as he lowers his head to meet Buck’s eyes, his gentle hazels staring right into the other man’s wounded soul. “Listen to me. I know you can’t change your past, and if I could, believe me I’d do it myself for you, and I know there’s no going back.” His vision gets blurry and he can feel the wetness on his face, but Eddie doesn’t give a shit, not when Buck is staring at him like he has the secret to the universe.

“But Buck,” Hand stroking the other man’s face. “we’re so young, and even though we can’t change what happened, we can add to it, yeah? I know it’s not the same and it never will be, but we can make new memories as we go, real memories, and when we look back, maybe things don’t feel as bad as they seem, and we realize we were actually happy, and we made good choices."

Buck stares at Eddie with those gorgeous, shiny blues and his breath hitches in his throat, more tears silently stream down his face and he can only manage a whisper that's so desperate it shatters Eddie's heart to millions of pieces.

"What if I can't?"

A warm, ghost smile appears on Eddie's lips, lifting his brows. "What if you can?"

He doesn't wait any longer and does the thing he was aching to do for weeks, he wraps his arms around Buck and pulls him towards himself, and Buck collapses into his embrace, resting his head on Eddie's shoulder and burying his face into the crook of his neck, hands grasping the back of his shirt in a fist.

He pets Buck's hair, runs his fingers through his curls, scratches his scalp, and feels the racing beat of the other man's heart against his own while Buck's silent tears make a pool on his skin. They are in no hurry, not when he finally has Buck, so Eddie lets Buck cry and cry and holds him safe in his arms in return.

At some point, Eddie leans his back against the headrest, and makes Buck lay his head on his thigh, his fingers finding their way back into Buck's curls after Buck turns onto his side and draws his knees into his chest.

Although his cries have subsided, Buck still hasn't fully stopped crying, and Eddie doesn't push him, either. Instead, he lets Buck grieve the things he wanted to have.

He keeps carding Buck's hair and watches him like a hawk while Buck keeps staring at the wall before them without making any sound other than small, quiet mewls, and tears roll down the bridge of his nose and wet the fabric of Eddie's jeans, his hand resting on Eddie's leg, short nails scratching the thick material.

When they both calm down, Eddie takes Buck home with him.

Buck doesn't protest— not that Eddie would change his mind if Buck did, but knowing Buck trusts him enough to follow him without any doubt manages to ease the pain in his chest and makes the tiniest of prides bloom instead. He watches Buck throw the pills into the toilet and flush them down, helps Buck pack a few clothes, and keeps his hand on the small of Buck's waist as they leave the loft and get in the car.

It's also him who breaks the silence on their way home. Not that he minds.

"We can go to Pennsylvania if you want." He says, glancing at Buck who is sitting next to him, watching the street through the window. "To visit Daniel's grave."

Bobby already gave them a few days off, so Eddie figures they should use it in the best way.

The offer makes Buck turn his head, and his brows arch as a surprised expression crosses his face. He looks better than he was at home, more coherent and alive despite still looking like a wreck, and Eddie couldn't be more grateful.

"Really?"

Eddie shrugs. "Yeah, why not. Do you want to?"

Buck drops his eyes on the ground, chewing the skin of his lips, and he lifts his head up again after a few moments, staring at Eddie with a hopeful look. "Yeah, I want to."

They buy the tickets and book a hotel first thing when they make it home.

Eddie realizes he and Buck both have started on their path of right choices when Buck happens to be the one to break the silence at Daniel's grave.

They didn't tell anyone they're here other than Chris and Carla, not even Bobby, Maddie, or Buck's parents, and so far they are happy about it.

Because Eddie knows this is what Buck needs.

"This feels real."

Eddie turns his head to Buck and frowns. He's been frowning a lot lately. "What?"

"This." Buck repeats. "Where we are. It feels real."

"Oh?"

"I feel…  lots of things all at once, and I don't know what each of them are, but I know they're real."

A warm smile finds Eddie's lips. "I think that's good."

"And, I— uh, I feel like," Buck clears his throat, and his eyes meet Eddie's. Clear and focused and there . "I feel like I can be happy, maybe."

That's all Eddie was longing to hear. "Yeah." His smile gets wider, its light reaching his eyes. "Maybe."

It's not a maybe, it's a definite yes, but Buck will figure that out as the time goes by, and if Eddie is sure of one thing, it's that he will help Buck figure that out no matter what.