The brightest Fai ever shined was when Kurogane first met him.

He didn’t know what to make of him. Standing in the rain, soaked to the skin, this elegant, otherworldly figure. He seemed removed then, almost unaware of his new companions. But when their quest was announced he had looked so relieved and smiled so brightly, Kurogane thought that he might cry.

Really, maybe that should have been a warning.

Fai was bright. Not smart bright – did a thought ever pass that man’s brain? – but literally bright. Bright to the point of blindness. It made Kurogane want to put on sunglasses. To go find a nice spot of shade and maybe take a nap too, because nothing was more exhausting than being around such a sunny person.

How did he ever manage it? Everyone else understood the quest for what it was. Dangerous, a means to an end. Something that could probably end up with them all dead if they weren’t careful. Kurogane had no intention of dying – he needed to go find Princess Tomoyo and scold her until her ears rang first. Neither did he intend on letting either Sakura or Syaoran die. He needed a team that understood each other and their goals. Only then could they accomplish them.

But Fai had, apparently, been paying absolutely zero attention at their meeting. No wonder he looked so out of it. Once he’d realized he could continue to run away from whatever bullshit was bothering him, well, wasn’t he happy?

No. No, that wasn’t it. Kurogane was sure.

Something told the ninja that Fai was letting on a lot less than he knew. Or thought, or understood. He was obviously powerful, even with his magic removed. He was a good fighter, when the need arose. He even let down that blinding smile sometimes, and then, only then, could Kurogane imagine he was seeing the real person.

Everyone involved in the matter was strange in one way or another. Needing them to return home – and growing fond of the kids pretty quickly – Kurogane learned to put up with it. With the mage and his strange light. There was something uncanny about it. But Kurogane couldn’t quite figure out what. Well, it wasn’t really any of his business. Mostly he tried to ignore it.

When did that change?

It was one of the first peaceful days of their journey. Mokona had landed them in a great grassy field, surrounded by trees. Though of course Kurogane wasn’t about to let the scenery fool him, the fact that the feather seemed very far away gave him some hope they’d at least get a decent night’s rest.

Why even wait that long? Kurogane needed a nap.

Vigilance is a burden, even to the strongest people. Souma herself was notorious for sneaking off for a five hour long nap. At the time Kurogane had been annoyed, but now he understood. Leaning against a wide tree that looked almost, but not quite, like an oak, he gave himself up to the languid atmosphere of the peaceful forest.

“Mage, you can take the first watch this time,” he murmured.

Though there was still something about the mage that unnerved Kurogane, he could trust Fai not to get them all killed. He had to, really.

But apparently giving even an inch when it came to Fai was a mistake. Even behind closed lids Kurogane could sense that idiotic smile becoming bigger. Distorting the beautiful face it was set in with its unnaturalness.

“I’ll guard you with my life, Kuro-tan.”

Something about this man was designed perfectly to piss the ninja off.

“Shut up.”

“Awh, is Kuro-puppy a big strong ninja who doesn’t need protecting!”

“He doesn’t need protecting at all!”

Now that the pork bun had gotten involved this little scene was never going to end. Growling, Kurogane pulled his cloak around himself. Maybe this time they’d take the damn hint. Maybe.

Maybe not.

“Ahaha! Kuro-cranky is rolling himself up!”

“Rolling himself up like a carpet!”

“Don’t you have anything better to do!” Kurogane roared, grasping for Mokona, who hopped easily off his shoulder and onto Fai’s head.

“Shh, Mokona!” Fai raised a playful finger to his lips. “Kuro-sleepy needs his nap. When he wakes up he’ll no longer be so grumpy.”

“Go to sleep Kurogane! Become less grumpy!”

Fighting the urge to stay awake out of pure spite, Kurogane huffed and settled back down.

Maybe it wouldn’t bug him that much if Fai really was just an idiot. Sometimes he played the clown so perfectly Kurogane was tempted to believe him. But something always stopped him. Just a glimpse, a little crack, which gave him pause. Sometimes he wondered if the mage wasn’t just toying with him. Playing the idiot. Driving Kurogane mad just out of boredom.

He didn’t actually think that. Not really. But sometimes, sometimes he was tempted.

Naps are a dangerous thing. When Kurogane woke up night had already fallen. A full moon hung in the sky, casting the landscape in a strange, silvery light. It was disconcerting, seeing the same moon in every world. It wasn’t the same moon, of course. But it looked so close to Kurogane’s moon, he almost wondered if Tomoyo were looking up at it now. Maybe he’d glance over and she’d be there, reading something in the silvered mist.

Instead of Tomoyo however, he found Fai. In the moonlight the man looked even paler, almost translucent. His hair fell over his eyes, his lips were slightly parted, as if on the verge of a breath. There was something wild about him. The wildness of a hunted beast. In that moment he looked more fragile than Sakura had at the beginning of their now endless quest.

If Fai in the afternoon had been light, then this Fai was a shadow.

For a moment time froze and there was only the grassy landscape, dotted with trees, all turned to molten silver. And in the center a man that Kurogane had never seen before in his life.

He sat forward without even thinking. Looking down at his hand, he realized it was unfolded, reaching out towards Fai. A realization passed through Kurogane’s head. That he was drawn to this shadow. To this figure in the grass.

Not just by curiosity, no. Kurogane was already curious about Fai. How could anyone so happy-go-lucky exist? How could someone obviously smart act so stupid? But those were just questions born of exasperation. This time, the curiosity felt different.

He tried to shake it off. It was none of his business whether or not Fai was watching the moon. Sure, it was a little eerie looking. But Kurogane had watched the moon plenty of times. And if he thought of his home, maybe Fai did too. And from what Kurogane had gathered, the mage had plenty of reason to look remorseful.

Yet none of that satisfied this sudden urge. The urge to walk up and ask, ask what Kurogane did not actually care that much about. The urge to peel back the smiles and the jokes and see the real man behind them. The man who wanted to be carried away, flown away to some happy place that probably didn’t exist.

Kurogane wrapped himself in his cloak again. It had fallen off of him when he was asleep. In this moment it felt like a shield. Between himself and the strange image of his traveling companion.

It was none of his business. It wasn’t. Waking up at night was always disorienting. Half-awake, wouldn’t anyone feel supernaturally compelled to connect with a suddenly unfamiliar figure?

Stupid.

He fell back asleep.

At some point the light started dimming. Not in moments, the way Fai suddenly became serious when the quest took a turn towards the more dangerous, before becoming his stupidly chipper self when the danger was past. This was more gradual, more long-lasting. The persona was fading away – though Kurogane wondered if Fai himself wasn’t fading too.

The journey had taken an ugly turn. A dark one. There were shadows at their heels. Sakura grown stronger, had grown more morose. Syaoran more withdrawn. Fai, well, dimmer was the only way to put it. Quite literally dimmer. It was as if all that light had been a mere reflection of the people surrounding him. Now that they were all sinking into their troubles, Fai was sinking too. Sinking faster.

Being happy wasn’t a requirement of questing, of course. Especially when your quest involved getting farther and farther away from where you wanted to go. Especially when the quest was given to you by some weird, unknowable witch. Hardly a trustworthy guide for something of this magnitude.

But if there was something suspicious about it all, it wasn’t a bad existence. Kurogane had realized that when he’d realized that he no longer thought of his home, morning, noon, and night. When Syaoran admitted to seeing his past and Kurogane didn’t think of his loss, but of the fact that he didn’t want this kid crying over him. That anger, that stilled burned in Kurogane, that chased him on his quest to be the strongest warrior to walk the worlds, had been tempered.

Then things got worse. Slowly, at first, but worse nonetheless. They were nearing something, though Kurogane couldn’t quite figure out what. They were approaching an edge.

The wind was screeching across the opening of their cave. It was unpleasant, too human. There was a feather nearby. Probably within a couple of miles. The locals had told them that, starting about half a year ago, the wind had taken on a strange wailing. They weren’t lying. It put a pit in your stomach to hear it.

Kurogane was taking first watch. Or at least, he was trying to. Someone was not cooperating.

“You’ll have to wake up in a couple hours.”

“I know,” Fai said, throwing a stray pebble at the fire. “I’ll be fine.”

“You didn’t sleep my last watch either.”

“Has Kuro-chan been watching me sleep then,” Fai said, giving him a wink.

Kurogane felt the blood rush to his face. He looked away, mumbled a “no.”

Fai’s laugh was as clear as always. Though this time it didn’t last as long. For a moment there was silence.

“It’s dangerous to keep a fire burning at night. We should have extinguished it,” Kurogane said, as way of continuing the conversation. If not Fai would probably just continue to stare at him.

“But then we would have been all cold! You’d have had to nestle rightttt next to me, Kuro-cuddly.”

“Absolutely not!”

Another echo of laughter, that dissipated just as quickly. “Besides, we’d be able to see barely anything. The moon’s not very big tonight.”

Indeed, the moon was waning in this world. Soon it would be nothing more than a sliver. Then nothing at all. Kurogane wondered what the moon in his world looked like now. Did time work differently here? Surely it did, but the thought made him lonely.

Lonely like Fai had looked in that clearing, so long ago. Kurogane decided that he wanted to see that Fai again. To see if it had been real, and not some strange dream.

Sometimes he wondered if that witch had a point, going on about inevitability, and fate and all that. Not in the big ways, of course, but in small ones. Fai had been perfectly designed to piss Kurogane off. Fai had also been perfectly designed to make Kurogane want more.

He glanced at the mage for a moment. If Fai looked dimmer now, he also looked more human. More real. It was selfish of Kurogane to say he liked this Fai better. But he did. It was the Fai he’d seen in the valley. The Fai that had made Kurogane stretch out his hand without even thinking, a moth drawn to a flame.

“I wonder how many months we’ve been traveling.” Fai’s voice cut through Kurogane’s thoughts. “An awful lot, I bet.”

“Not many compared to the amount you’ve been around I bet.”

Why did Kurogane say that? It wasn’t his business how long a life Fai had spent. And the comment obviously made Fai uncomfortable, though he quickly fixed a smile on his face in an attempt to hide it.

“Very true, Kuro-calendar.”

The mage shifted a bit. His hair fell in his face. Kurogane would be blind not to see the mage was fighting something.

He wanted to brush the hair out of his face. He wanted to shake him. He wanted to tell him that he knew Fai was pretending, and the pretending was killing him. Slowly, at first, but faster and faster now.

Kurogane wanted to tell Fai about that night under the full moon. About that tugging, which now seemed to be following him everywhere. He wanted to tell Fai that going on a quest ordained by a witch who believed coincidences were merely the dominoes you could see, and were no less planned for being only partially visible, would mess with your head. That his head was being messed with now.

But Kurogane didn’t do or say any of that. He was tired.

“You can take the first watch.”

“Sweet dreams, Kuro-sleepy.”

“Shut up.”

Sometimes life is an endless monotony.

Sometimes life gets worse bit by bit.

And sometimes it fucking explodes.

“Snap out of it!”

Kurogane shook Fai’s shoulders. It was easy, painfully easy. The mage was limp, like a puppet whose strings had all been slashed, leaving a wooden corpse. He made no sound, no movement. The tears falling from his slumped head were the only sign of life.            

“God damn it, Fai! Snap out of it!”

How did he ever imagine this man to be a perky, bubbly, bright little prick?

There was nothing bright about Fai. Nothing. There’s nothing bright about any of them, but Fai stood out. If Syaoran was devastated, Fai was broken. Grief was behind the kids’ eyes. Void was behind the mage’s.

They had to go. Somewhere. Quickly, quickly, they had to get somewhere. Where, Kurogane didn’t know. That had never really been his job in this whole quest. But he needed to get them out. He needed to get them somewhere. Anywhere.

When had this become his job? When had any of this become his job? He wanted to run away. He wanted to go home. Coward he was, Kurogane wanted to go home.

He couldn’t, of course. Not with Sakura gone, dead. Not dead. Not dead, even if Fai seemed to think she was. Not dead. Lost, but not dead. And they had to find her now.

But first the mage.

“Listen. Listen!” He gripped Fai’s shoulders so tightly that he winced. “I didn’t agree to save your sorry life back in Tokyo for you to die here. We made a deal mage, and you’re keeping your end of it. We’re going to go get the Princess. We’re going to go do what that witch says, and we’re going to go fix this. If you, for one single second, think of harming yourself, I will personally knock you unconscious.”

There was no nod. No hint of recognition. For a moment Kurogane wondered if the mage hadn’t lost consciousness already.

Then he raised his head. His eyes were a night with no stars.

“Fine.”

“Hey.”

Fai’s back was turned to Kurogane’s. His hair was flowing down his back, fallen over his eye. Lit by the lanterns of Kurogane’s home, the mage was beautiful.

“Princess Tomoyo has such a nice garden. She showed it to me, when you were asleep.”

“You had a good frolic, huh.”

“Is Kuro-sleepy annoyed he didn’t get to show me around himself? Don’t worry, I can forget it all for you~”

Kurogane rolled his eyes. Even facing the other way Fai let out a giggle. A real one this time.

Fai scooched a little bit to the side as Kurogane went to sit down next to him. For a moment the pair said nothing. It was a beautiful evening. The stars were spotting the darkening sky, and the moon was making its calm ascent out of the horizon. It was a beautiful night. Even more so for the peace it brought. Kurogane realized he hadn’t known peace in a long time. Longer than he’d thought.

“Your home is beautiful, Kurogane.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

“I do! I’m glad I get to see it. Kuro-chan’s natural habitat. How intriguing.”

Kurogane looked askance at Fai, who gave back a cheeky smile. “Whatever Tomoyo told you, it’s wrong.”

That got a true burst of laughter out of Fai. Clear as a bell. Beautiful, carried on the wind. “Don’t worry your secrets are safe with her!”

“Good.” He paused, added, “And yours are with all of us.”

Fai stilled, for a moment Kurogane wondered if he’d mis-stepped. Then the mage’s features relaxed, though a soft melancholy pervaded them.

“Oh Kurogane, I don’t have secrets. Anyone who’d want to hear them either knows already or is dead.”

For a moment Kurogane was worried that Fai would fade again. Would silver out in the moonlight and become a shade. Would go off to that dark corner of his mind and leave everyone, drawing himself up in a cloak of his own fears.

But though Fai seemed sad, there was an air of acceptance to him. Kurogane had no urge to tell Fai the past was the past. He already knew that.

“Well, you held on to your secrets for a long time.”

“Indeed I did, Kuro-curious. I was old and unknowable.”

Kurogane scoffed. “Even from the beginning I knew you were an idiot.”

“Did you? Ah, well, you knew me too well from the first. Perfectly designed to see through me.” He shook his head as if regretting the fact. Though his smile undermined the picture.

The serenity in his voice caused a warm happiness to flood Kurogane. He looked up at the sky, content.

“I wonder how many months we’ve been traveling,” he said.

“An awful lot I bet.”

“It was a full moon when I left.”

“It’s a waxing moon now. Princess Tomoyo told me. It won’t be full for a while.”

“I saw you under a full moon once.”

Fai looked surprised. “You did, when?”

“When we fell asleep in that field. Way back, at the beginning. You looked so strange then.”

“Well that’s what happens when you catch me daydreaming. Or, night dreaming? Dreaming.”

“Maybe. I don’t think you’d look like that now. It was the first time I saw the real you?”

“What did you think of me then?” Fai asked, voice dropping to a murmur.

“I thought, if Fate is real, then it’s tied me to you.”

“And were you right?”

“Of course not. Fate doesn’t exist.”

But maybe there were inevitabilities. And if so, Kurogane loving Fai was one.