Chapter Text
Jere and I agreed that I should talk to Conrad first. Tell him that his words from yesterday didn’t change anything but were only echoes. At least I hoped they were.
When I came into our motel room, he was folding his blanket, backpack lying on the floor next to his leg. I never thought someone could look this tired. He didn’t look good - hunched more than usual, bags under his beautiful eyes, which, once full of joy and love, were cold and empty.
Was I to blame for this?
We greeted each other, both of us saying we wanted to talk. He wanted to start and I froze. I didn’t know which option would be better - me breaking his heart or him breaking mine.
“Belly, when I woke up and saw that both of you left me here, alone, my first thought was to tell you that everything I said last night was a mistake” he started and I felt my heart shattering. His eyes were locked on me, but he didn’t look at me. Not in the present way. He was spaced out.
That was all Conrad Fisher. He gives and then takes it away.
“But I couldn’t bring myself to do this,” he continued. “I tried, rehearsed it over and over but I cannot even think I could ever lie to you, Belly. At least not ever again.”
If the air in the room was made of solid matter, you could cut it.
“Isabel, I meant everything I said to you yesterday. There is not a single universe in which I would not want you,” he paused for a short while. “Love you.”
I wanted to respond.I opened my mouth to do so. Not a sound came out.
“Please don’t say anything. Not now. I need to tell you all of this because otherwise, I don’t think I would ever bring myself to do it again.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“I love you and I want you,” he said, looking straight into my eyes. “Isabel, you have all this power over me and it scares me, cause it leaves me no control. Over my own thoughts, over anything. Fuck, I would do anything if you only asked for it!”
And that was the first time in a really long time when I saw Conrad really losing control over his emotions. Not in a way, in which he could stop himself If he only wanted to. His voice was getting louder, and his body started shaking. I prayed that Jeremiah wouldn’t hear any of this. That he still sits on a bench, next to the vending machines, giving me space to deal with all the mess I’ve caused.
“I already did,” Conrad added, sounding like a teacher who is explaining the most obvious thing for the forty-third time. “I always end up doing what you want, even when my chest physically hurts, when I do so. You wanted to wait for our relationship, so we did. You wanted me to take you to your prom, so I did, even though dancing and having fun was the last thing I needed. Fuck, Belly. You said that you wanted to break up with me, so I let you go, but that was the hardest moment in my entire life!”
There was nothing I wanted more than him to stop all of this. I wanted to fight back, I was ready to fight back. I wanted to tell him that all of this was never what I wanted, but what just needed to be done.
But the way he looked at me. Even with so much anger and pain, there was still love in his eyes. I wished I could’ve seen it sooner. It was too late.
“You told me to go to hell,” he said so quietly, one could mistake it for a whisper. “You told me to go to hell and I went right into it.”
“Belly, this motel, this whole situation, is my personal circle of hell, and you are the only one who could take me out of it.”
Tears came right into my eyes as after all these months, I finally saw the boy who was not afraid to feel his emotions, show his emotions. The boy I loved was back, he was hurt and I was the one holding out the dagger.
“I am sorry.”
“It hurts to hear that. You shouldn’t be sorry and this whole situation shouldn’t be happening at all. But you kissed my brother, Belly. You chose him. I know you did. And all this back and forth is killing me, all of us.”
He tried stopping the tears that built up in his eyes and took a deep breath.
“We both know that the favors are not in my corner. We hurt each other a lot. We don’t communicate, jump to conclusions. You and I Belly, we don’t work. But we love each other more than that. Isabel, you have to actually tell me that you are no longer mine and have to let me go. I won’t be able to move on if you won’t. If you won’t do that, I’d know that there is a marginal chance that you could be with me again. So please, I beg you. Just ease my pain”
“I am with Jeremiah.” I was surprised by the note of doubt I heard in my voice. Was I not completely sure of my choice?
Jeremiah was the one who made everything seem so easy. There were no challenges, no walls to tear down or climb over. Just a smooth road with no corners.
“I understand. I wish you all the best.” If there was a ranking for the most painful-sounding voice, his would definitely win. And I hated myself for being the cause of that.
The last time I cried like that was when we broke up in April. Somehow this felt so much worse.
He was standing, inches from me, looking so vulnerable and all I wanted was to comfort him, comfort myself.
“You should have this,” he said, pulling the last thing I wanted to see right now. The infinity necklace. “I cannot keep it.”
It took all my energy to not take it right away. But it wasn’t enough. With the necklace now in my hand, I crushed into his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist, and cried like a baby.
“I’m sorry” I whined.
“It’s okay,” he said, hugging me back. “You’ll be happy with Jere and I will be alright,”
“Do you promise?” I asked him after a minute, looking up at him.
Conrad was never the one to break his word.
“I promise” he reassured me and kissed my forehead. God. He pulled away as the door opened with Jeremiah in it. Thank God I wasn’t facing him right away. I couldn’t handle seeing his face.
But nothing happened, right?
“I should go. I have a bus back to Cousins in ten minutes.” Conrad turned to Jeremiah. “I promised Laurel that Belly will come home safe. Take my car and don’t worry about your jeep, I will drive it to Boston, then we can switch.”
I thought Jeremiah would protest, but he was just trying not to smile.
“See you guys on the fourth of July,” Conrad said, walking to the door. Then he turned and said to his brother quietly “Just because mom isn’t here to stop lurking and eavesdropping everywhere, doesn’t mean you should.”
When he closed the door, all I could hear was my own heartbeat saying Conrad, Conrad, Conrad .
Echoes, right?