Chapter Text
The first time Sanemi saw her in two years, she had to be talking with Tomioka. He was supposed to head up to her office in room 201 just like the front desk said but of course, she just wasn’t where she should be and he had to spot her immediately after turning the corner at the most convenient time.
He didn't even have the chance to give himself a pep talk yet.
Thank god, Tomioka noticed him skid to a stop as still as a statue behind them and waved off before she could notice his presence. Sanemi was actually surprised he didn’t point him out to her, since he's the densest guy ever to exist.
Damn. In two years, the guy finally learned how to use tact. When he was still part of the family, he had to go through all kinds of trouble to educate him on socializing norms. He can be so full of surprises sometimes.
But he could use a few hours of sleep. Dude looked like a vampire talking to his ex-wife.
The soft clack of Kanae's low heels resumed after Tomioka walked away, his ex brother-in-law he supposed, until it stopped again. Sanemi could see the tip of her gentle smile fall in slow motion and he felt even worse just by standing in her peripheral vision.
Every muscle in his body was yelling at him to hide or run away. He feels incredibly stupid standing in the middle of the hallway with thick khaki pants, long overcoat and his chest still out in the open. His heart is trying to kill him by lodging itself in his throat.
Nevertheless, he tried raising his right hand at a half-assed attempt to wave just in case she saw someone else other than him. By the loud gasp that followed, he has no doubt he was the reason behind her horrified expression.
Still, Kanae looks even more charming than the last two years he’d seen her. Age did nothing whatsoever to undermine her beauty and because of that, he was gaping like an infinitesimal piece of sardine out of saltwater staring at her.
The heels of his black shoes lifted off and Sanemi paused on the balls of his feet half an inch above the floor before he marched purposefully towards her in what he hoped was a confident walk. He puts considerable distance between them and he swears every atom in his body wants to combust and blow him to smithereens.
"Kochou."
Kanae snapped to attention, lacing her fingers behind her back and a polite smile gracing her lips.
"Good afternoon, Shinazugawa-kun," she replied back. "Were you going to visit someone?"
"No, I—" He finally broke eye contact and frantically thought of the exact words he should reply back.
It's no good. The words are mixing up at the tip of his tongue. If he opens his mouth right now, a string of incomprehensible words will come out. And he absolutely cannot risk humiliating himself in front of her now. The goal was to present the best version of himself today!
He started inhaling deep, icy breaths but the antiseptic smell from the hospital floors was poisoning him. It also doesn't help when the entrance doors keep opening every now and then, inviting a gust of chilly wind that seems to be funneled directly to him, nicking at his joke of an open chest. Why is his chest not covered up at this time of the year!?
She started inching backwards from him and mumbled, "Maybe I should take my leave now, Shinazugawa-kun. I—"
He took a step forward, forehead wrinkling in frustration. "No, Kochou wait, I have a proposal to offer you" — Kanae's eyebrows shot upwards — "an idea I mean, a something—" Sanemi brought two fingers up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
Great, this is exactly why he needed that pep talk.
He's horrible at words, much less explaining himself. The content of what he wants to offer is already weighing his shoulders down, he can't even imagine saying those words out loud.
Pleading with his eyes, he started again, hoping she wouldn't run away just yet.
"I'm really sorry, Kochou, but are you almost done with your shift? I just needed to talk to you about something important." Sanemi flapped his hand around. "Somewhere... not here?"
Two years. Two years and he easily became a blithering idiot in front of his gorgeous ex-wife who was probably right to break it off with him in the first place.
"...Sure," Kanae dragged out, shifting in her place. "There's a cafe nearby, do you… wanna go there?"
Sanemi's already nodding his head fervently. "Yeah, that sounds great. I'll wait for you outside. Please don't—... ditch me."
She pressed her lips together and her lilac eyes crinkled. "Shinazugawa-kun, I'm not 21 anymore."
She stepped around to head up the stairs behind him. "I'll be sure to meet you outside."
Again, he raised a hand to wave goodbye at her retreating figure. Once she was out of sight, he bolted out of the freaking hospital and leaned against one of the walls that isn't see-through glass. Sanemi dug the heels of his palms into his eyeballs.
"Still so beautiful," he mumbled to no one, his voice trembling like the heart inside his chest.
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Sanemi cupped his hands over the warm beverage, willing for the coffee to waft over his nose and calm him down. He shouldn't have ordered coffee this late into the day but he was jittery and blurted out the first thing he saw on the menu.
A deadass Americano with three shots of espresso.
Caffeine does a spectacular job at keeping him awake for half a day. Even though he had hoped he'd be in tip-top form today, he hardly slept a wink last night thinking of the numerous possibilities that could go wrong. He even borrowed one of Aiki's stuffed animals to help him sleep. He desperately needed sleep after this day was done.
But sure, an americano was going to help his chances right now.
Kanae, on the other hand, always made the better choice. She bought hot cocoa without looking at the menu, yeah, he noticed, which meant she came here often. He also noticed that she and the male barista exchanged friendly smiles while she was ordering but he couldn't do anything about it now that he's a nobody.
She's completely free to date whoever she wants.
After receiving their orders, he immediately seized a table nearby and, now they're here, pretending to sip from their hot drinks every five seconds while observing the scratched wooden table in front of them.
He gritted his teeth in annoyance.
Fuck it, just fuck it.
"I'll keep it short, Kochou. I don't want to take any more of your time."
"No, please, it's fine, Shinazugawa-kun." Kanae fingered the strap of her bag. "I don't have much planned right now."
"I'll go straight to the point," he reiterated, her words flying over his head.
Yet the silence between them dragged on as the soft chatter of the customers settled like white music.
Will his plan even work? It sounds incredibly stupid now that he's actually in front of her. Or that she actually came out with him to hear him out. All the words, the essay drafts, even a poem, went out of his mind and took a vacation. He couldn't remember the most basic outline of what he plans to say.
Finally, after taking several deep breaths to steel his nerves again, Sanemi parted his lips, ready to lay out his bare, naked emotions in front for her to pick on.
"So, uhm…"
"A proposal?" Kanae gently prompted with that polite smile again.
God, he hated the polite smile.
"Yes," Sanemi jumped on that, "Something of that sort."
He took his coffee and gulped scalding liquid straight into his throat, sleep and throat be damned. He needed to get it over with today and while caffeine does not give him a burst of courage, his burned tongue should keep him on his toes.
Hopefully, he prays to every deity, hopefully, she says yes.
"I know you said that I have terrible rage and I never knew how to control my temper. I get jealous easily. I pick fights with anyone on the street. I break all the pens in our house because of the little things that irritate me and all the other reasons that made you want a divorce—"
"Sane—Shinazugawa-kun, I don't—"
"No, please don't interrupt me, Kochou. I'm long over that and… that's just it. I came here to say that I went to therapy after you left. With professional help, I learned to control my anger seriously this time, not for you or for Aiki but also for myself."
Sanemi took a sip from his coffee again and looked into her eyes. She blinks every so often, her brows curled towards each other subtly. Kanae's eyes are telling him she has no idea where this was going.
And he knew why she would be confused. Why would he show up out of nowhere and explain this to her? For what? Why divulge his personal life to her after their divorce? Technically, they're strangers now. Each one to their own.
Only, maybe she didn't realize that he planned to get her back all this time.
He pushed through with his speech.
"And yeah, I succeeded. I don't get mad easily anymore, the pens don't break in my grip, I do yoga every weekend for emotional self-regulation. I fixed myself, I have gotten rid of the things that made you stressed out and leave."
Kanae opens her mouth again but Sanemi barreled on, unwilling to let her speak and sidetrack his monologue.
"I know all of these things are hard to imagine without proper proof or if I'm even lying to you, but I really did change. Please believe me," he added, looking straight into her eyes. "I would never lie to you, Kochou. You know that."
She still hasn't made a sound of realization. Sanemi clamped a hand to his neck and sat up straighter. The hardest part is coming up. Just thinking about it is making him stutter in his own mind and that shouldn't even be possible.
"After all this, I—really really wanted to get back with you. I want us to get back together. Or at least try again if you'll agree to this. For our daughter who needs her mother… and for me."
"I miss you every day that you aren't beside me, Kanae."
Tracing the rim of his drink, he accidentally dipped his finger in the hot drink and almost cursed out loud. Kanae gasped as she quickly handed him a tissue. He muttered his thanks while internally stabbing himself to death.
"So will you? I know it's a lot and two years is a long time, but will you make me the happiest man on Earth again? Even if we just try dating?"
"Assuming you're not with anyone right now, will you give me a second chance?" Sanemi couldn't hear himself amidst the music and customers now. He didn't intend for his voice to come out so soft.
But at this, Kanae rapidly blinked her eyes. She folded her hands on her lap before picking up her cocoa on the table and placing it down without taking a sip. To his dismay, she hung her head for a while and sighed.
"Oh, Shinazugawa-kun…"
He clenched his fists slightly, expecting the worst. She always used this tone to express her disappointment. He could hear the beginning of heartbreak nipping at his heels again.
"I—when I saw you at the lobby, I thought, my first thought was that something bad happened to Aiki," she exhaled, wringing her hands. "You looked so nervous and feverish, I thought something terrible happened."
"Shinazugawa-kun, I swear don't scare me like that again. Promise?"
She raised her cup to him and Sanemi hastily clinked it with his.
"I promise, Kochou," he hurriedly said. "And sorry about that."
Kanae briefly smiled before closing her eyes. "As for your offer… I'm not sure. Honestly, I'm afraid that I'll hurt you and Aiki again if I agree. I don't want to cause you or our daughter more heartache. I mean we loved each other for so long…"
"I know," he started, averting his eyes. "I know you'll say that and I'll just say this. I love you, Kanae. I'll always love you whether you end up hating me or resenting me or even if you take Aiki away. I'll always love you and I'll respect your decisions if you leave for good."
"I don't think I could love anyone else in my life other than you. Please think about this, Kochou." Sanemi hated the way his voice sounded so pathetic and vulnerable but for her, he will do anything.
"Please give me a second chance. Just one more chance to prove myself to you that I'm worthy of being your husband again."
He watched Kanae's eyes bounced off every inanimate object within her vision until she snatched a napkin from the box on the table and started scribbling.
"This is my number," she breathlessly whispered among the heightening white noise. She reread what she wrote on it before handing it to him. "I'll need to prepare for the first date right?"
He hesitantly reached for it, hardly daring to believe his eyes or his ears.
"I'll just try this number just in case it might be wrong," he mumbled as he patted everywhere for his phone. Where did he put it?
His ex-wife chuckled softly, taking the first sip of her warm cocoa. "I also never lied to you, Shinazugawa-kun," her warm voice drifted over to him and his cheeks warmed up just from her teasing voice.
After he sent a message to the number, Kanae's phone dinged and she showed her the text he sent, smiling like a self-righteous Cheshire cat.
Sanemi placed his phone down on the table and slumped against his chair, all poise gone with his lips restraining a victorious smile and closed his eyes. He doesn't care if she's still in front of him.
Who needs sleep? Tonight, he has to start planning the best first date for the love of his life. And he has all the advantages that 21 year old him didn't have.