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I stare at him without moving, my eyes zeroed in on his. I shouldn’t be shocked, and yet I am. I shouldn’t even be mad at him, because this was who he was.
But, God, am I fucking tired.
A dark chuckle escapes my lips and I shake my head, smirking bitterly. “Of course.”
“What?” Conrad asks, face blank and the picture perfect example of nonchalance.
“You, Conrad. This back and forth, push and pull shit that you love doing so much.”
He shrugs his shoulders. “Are you saying you want to be with me again? Because it’s not a good idea.”
I let out another misplaced chuckle, this one bubbling its way out of me involuntarily. “No, that’s not what I’m saying because I agree that it’s not a good idea. What I’m saying is that I’m over you playing this game with our lives constantly. It’s exhausting. Don’t you feel exhausted?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” he says, staring into my eyes as he blatantly lies to me.
And now I’m angry. Because how dare he act like he has no idea what he’s doing right now or what he’s been doing this past week or this past month or our whole fucking lives. We both know this pattern, we’ve seen it plenty of times before.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” I challenge him. Since he’s already chosen to lie, he might as well keep piling them on at this point.
But he decides to stay silent before looking away from me and at his backpack filled with his freshly packed clothes. Somehow, someway, this insignificant reaction feels like a victory and an admittance.
With that, my anger melts and I step closer to him. I wish I could touch his arm, or grab his face so he’s forced to look at me, but there’s an invisible line between us now that I no longer have any interest in crossing.
“I care about you and I will always have love for you. I’ll always be there for you when you need me and I’ll always want the absolute best for you. But I will never look at you in the same way ever again. I fell in love with the potential I saw in you, in the potential that we could have been, not for who you actually are or what we are together. And that’s not fair to either of us.”
I watch him closely as he clenches his jaw almost imperceptibly. His eyes bounce around the motel room while my words hang in the silence. When it’s been long enough that I know he’s not going to answer, I start backing away towards the door.
“Here,” he mutters, grabbing something from the bed before placing his hand flat out towards me. In his palm facing straight up at me sits the symbol of our love, our infinity necklace.
I almost doubt what I’m looking at for a moment, still processing that he’s holding it out to me. I look back up at his face, but he’s still not looking at me. I find it hard to believe that he’s this intrigued by the cheap motel bedding that I tossed and turned in last night. Especially as he hands me something this significant. Just like that, the anger rushes back in, in full force. I feel it so strongly that my hands start shaking at my sides and I have to shove them in my Finch sweatshirt pocket to contain them, my teeth clenching so tight I’m afraid I might crack one.
“Are you serious right now?”
And then finally, finally , he looks at me. With the same stupid, blank ass face. It nearly makes my left eye twitch. “What?”
“What? Conrad, I literally just told you to stop with all this shit and you think it’s a good opportunity to give this to me?” I point at it laying there in his hand as though it’s offended me. Which, by proxy, I guess it has. “I gave it back to you when we broke up for a reason. Why would you think I want it back? Have you not been listening to anything I’ve been saying?”
“I’m listening to you!” His emotions are reflected on his face for the first time this whole conversation. He looks just as angry as I feel. The corner of his mouth is downturned in an ugly scowl, yet somehow his eyes are wide in his fury. He’s given a dramatic wave of his hands in classic Conrad fashion, but the infinity necklace is still glinting there daintily in his palm, unaware of the turmoil it’s started.
“But you’re not paying attention! As per fucking usual!”
It’s at this moment that I have my epiphany. It’s simultaneously a moment of clarity and insanity. And I’m completely calm when I decide to follow through on it. Before I can talk myself out of it, I grab the necklace out of his open hand and head out the door.
“What are you doing?” Conrad asks as he rushes out behind me.
I don’t answer him as I keep walking outside. Past the motel buildings, past the parking lot, where Jeremiah is watching us silently from where he’s standing by Conrad’s car, and stopping just short of the little patch of trees that could pass for some semblance of an excuse for woods. With all my might, I chuck the necklace as far as I possibly can.
“Wait!” Conrad exclaims as he steps up next to me, but it’s too late.
Standing there together, we watch as it successfully makes its arch into the little patch somewhere unseen by the trees. I realize that I’m huffing my breaths, unsure if it’s from the brisk walk over, the adrenaline, or my impulsive urge to start brand new. I also realize that, for the first time in what seems to be forever, the pressure on my shoulders and chest is gone. I feel lighter, and a smile finds its way to my face. Sure, I chose Jeremiah earlier. But more importantly than that, in this moment right here, I’m deciding to choose myself. I’m deciding to explore who I am and who I want to be and how I’ll get there, without reservations or being held back by my expectations or the past. I want to focus on me, on my present and my future.
Everything around me loses focus as I close my eyes and tilt my head up to the sky, basking in the light of the morning sun.
I release you, Conrad Fisher. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don't do it now, I never will.