Chapter Text
There she was, alone on that uncomfortable, cold plank bed in the hospital room, a terrible stabbing pain in her knee and a maddening fear in her chest that threatened to tear her heart in two.
This couldn't be the end, right? Keira wasn't finished yet. She needed to win this trophy with her team, it was now or never.
While she was staring at that stupid white hospital-like walls around her, Keira's thoughts began to circle in her head, she couldn't help it. She had seen this a thousand times before, knee injuries weren't especially rare in football, but still she couldn't bring herself to loose hope.
Maybe it wasn't as bad as the physiotherapists already suspected on the field? Maybe if she just closed her eyes to make a little wish, she could prevent the worst?
Just as she was about to close her eyes for real, even if Keira deep down knew that she was just going nuts, she could hear a soft knock on the door. It was timid, it was cautious, it was Lucy.
"Sorry, I didn't want to disturb you, just wanted to check if there's been any results yet." Keira didn't dare to make a move, her eyes focused on the brunette standing in the doorway.
This was the last thing she'd expected. There had been some visits in the last hour, including G and also Leah, who had been in the stands this evening. But no one could've prepared her for a visit like this.
The midfielder didn't know what to say. Her words seemed to be stuck in her throat. She must've really looked like a fool, eyes wide, mouth open and absolutely nothing coming out of it for way too long.
Since the start of the tournament, the two of them hadn't really spoken to each other. After winning the UWCL, there had been almost no contact between them. As Keira thought back to all the nights laying alone in her bed, tossing and turning with Lucy's smile burned inside her thoughts, she needed to take a deep breath. The last few weeks had been tough. And it wasn't even because of the World Cup they were currently in.
When she finally came back to reality, Keira realized, that her and Lucy had just been staring at each other for minutes without saying another word. Fuck. She was still way too attached to the brunette.
Slowly shaking her head, she cleared her throat before talking, "No. No, there haven't been any results, sorry." — "No need to apologize, it's not your fault." Keira was just nodding. She was still shocked but became more fond in hiding her feelings.
The ginger haired knew, that they had agreed on staying friends after everything that had happened between them, but somehow it didn't work out as she expected.
She didn't want to lose Lucy, as she was by far one of the most important people in her life but still, she had to find a way to control her feelings. The more time she spent with the brunette, the more difficult it was for her to put everything that happened behind her. And she indeed had to spend a lot of time with her, as they were still playing at the same club.
Knowing that there were still way too many feelings for Lucy inside of her, Keira didn't know how to handle this whole situation. There was nothing she could do about it, she couldn't change Lucy's decisions. It just felt like a choice had been taken from her and her heart had been broken into a thousand pieces.
"I know what you're feeling right now, it's terrifying and—" Keira couldn't do this anymore. It was obvious that Lucy tried her best to comfort her and that the brunette probably just didn't want Keira to feel lonely, but she suddenly felt the need to be alone in this room. Or maybe she just needed Lucy to leave her alone. "—Look, I don't know if we should be doing this. I mean, this whole thing between us. I'm tired, I'm in pain. Don't take it personal, but maybe you should just leave."
Instantly she could see the hurt in Lucy's eyes but there was nothing she could do about it. She had to protect her own heart in this moment, it should've been her priority from the very start.
"I understand. Get better soon, we need you on the field." With said words, the brunette turned around and left Keira alone. This scene reminded her all to well of a moment happening almost exactly two months ago. But back then it was her who had turned around to walk away.
T W O M O N T H S A G O
Keira felt dizzy as she definitely had way too many drinks this evening. Normally she wasn't one to get drunk, she hated the feeling of loosing control over her mind and body. But today was different. They'd just won the fucking UWCL — what else was there to do than partying and getting drunk with the girls? It was by far the best night of her life, including the one after winning the Euros last year.
They were out in a club in Barcelona and there were way too many people. It was dark inside and sometimes it felt like the club had run completely out of air. They were unable to talk with each other because the music was way too loud and normally Keira would've absolutely hated it here. Normally. If she hadn't already had four drinks or more.
Some of them were already heading home as it was past two in the morning. But the midfielder didn't want the night to end, and so did Lucy who was just making her way over to her English teammate.
At this part of the night, Keira had completely lost control over her words and actions, just following her intuition. And it didn't take her long to remark that Lucy also was far from being sober as she sat down beside Keira at the bar. "Enjoying the party?", she screamed over the music and the ginger haired couldn't stop laughing. She nodded, taking another sip from her drink.
When Keira looked over to Lucy, she froze for a moment. She suddenly felt like a love drunk teenager by the way her mind was only able to form one word looking at the brunette in front of her. Wow. How was someone even allowed to look as good as she did?
As they all had known that it would be really hot here, there was not much clothing on either of the players and Keira just couldn't stop her gaze from wandering over Lucy's bare shoulders down her arms right to her hands which were holding another drink at this moment.
The effect the brunette had on her was a bit terrifying because Keira hadn't even been able to form some real thoughts in that moment but still there was a slight flush on her cheeks by just looking at Lucy.
Normally, she would've checked her out more undercover as by now she had a lot of practice. But today, she couldn't care less if the brunette noticed her staring. And she did notice.
"You look really good tonight", Lucy spoke into Keira's ear after leaning in a little. There was a hot shudder rushing over the midfielder as she registered what she had just been told. "What?", she scream-answered as if she hadn't completely understood every single word Lucy just said. "I said you look really good!", the brunette screamed again and laughed at the weird situation.
Keira couldn't believe the words she just heard, two times in a row. She was shocked for a moment, just staring at Lucy with wide eyes. Of course there had been an immense tension between the two for the last couple of months but the ginger haired had never dared to make a move on Lucy. After all, she was still her teammate and one of her closest friends. They had known each other for such a long time, sometimes Keira almost forgot what she had already experienced with Lucy by her side.
The ginger haired felt like there had always been certain feelings for the brunette inside of her but it had taken a long time for Keira to understand them. She had never thought about making a move on Lucy but sometimes it seemed like perhaps the defender felt the same way about her.
There had been so many moments between the two of them and Keira wondered if she was just making something up inside her head or if there could really be the chance that they both felt the same way about each other.
Now that there was alcohol flooding through her veins, all her boundaries had been completely forgotten. Keira was ready to let her walls down as she had absolutely no control about what was happening anymore. "Let's go dance!", she screamed at Lucy, already grabbing her hand and pulling her on the dance floor. The ginger haired normally hated dancing, she hated being the center of attention, but somehow it didn't bother her this night. With Lucy by her side she felt a lot more confident than she normally would.
The two of them just let the music guide them, really enjoying the club they were at. Then suddenly, there was this moment Keira would be thinking about for months. She didn't know it at this time but looking back at said night, it always came rushing back to her mind.
They were in the middle of the dance floor. While people were dancing around them, the two of them froze in their movements. Keira couldn't even remember the song that was playing in the back. The only thing she remembered were Lucy's sparkling green eyes staring into her soul and her unnaturally fast heartbeat, which seemed to be really unhealthy in this moment.
Their faces were only inches apart and Keira wondered what would've happened, if she would've just made one step forward. She wondered, how the night would've ended, if she had dared to show Lucy how she truly felt.
And then, there was nothing. Just a black hole she fell into while losing herself completely in the brunette.
She couldn't remember anything else. It was like something was missing and it definitely was. Which was what she discovered the next morning, when there were dozens of messages on her phone including the pictures. The pictures.
Lucy and her were close, very close. Too close. On some pictures it even looked like they kissed each other but Keira couldn't remember if that really happened last night and she knew that she had to talk to Lucy about it.
It was weird that people were actually interested in her love life now because some years ago, they didn't even know her name. Success definitely also had its dark sides and Keira knew she had to learn it this way or another.
The photos weren't that bad, it could've been worse, but it was enough for people to start speculating even more then they already did before. Including even some of their teammates. It came to the point that Keira just wanted to delete every single one of her social media accounts, so she turned her phone off and placed it in a drawer of her nightstand.
Knowing that what had happened last night couldn't just be concealed over, Keira felt the need to talk to Lucy as soon as possible, so she grabbed her keys and went for a walk as the brunette's apartment wasn't that far from her own.
The sun was burning hot, the ginger haired still didn't get used to the climate in Barcelona even though she'd lived here the whole season. The Spaniards were always laughing at her when she burned her skin again but it wasn't that easy for her to not catch a sunburn immediately. After some minutes she finally arrived at Lucy's apartment, her skin already a little red from walking through the heat of Spain.
Ringing the doorbell twice with absolutely no reaction from inside the apartment, the ginger haired completely lost her confidence and decided to just head back home. Maybe Lucy wasn't in the mood to talk or she didn't want to see Keira again after what had happened. Maybe she didn't feel the same way about Keira.
As she was just about to turn around, Keira suddenly heard the noises of a key opening the door in front of her. And then there was Lucy. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I was in the shower when I heard the doorbell and I couldn't find my contact lenses without my glasses which I left somewhere in the kitchen before so I couldn't find anything including my shirt and then I tripped over my suitcase and — well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let you wait."
Keira didn't even register a word the brunette said. All she could do was stare at the picture in front of her. Lucy's hair was up in a messy bun which was nothing unusual but it was very wet and there was water dripping down onto her bare shoulders. Her cheeks were a little red because of the heat, Keira knew that the brunette usually preferred really hot showers and there was just a towel around her.
The midfielder couldn't even stop her thoughts from wandering in unholy directions so there was no way that she could've followed any of Lucy's words. But she completely blamed it on being hangover from the night before.
"Keira?" The ginger haired was abruptly woken up from her daydreams when Lucy called her by her name. It sounded like honey dripping from her lips and Keira never wanted another person to say her name after hearing Lucy say it like that.
The midfielder slightly shook her head before finally speaking up. "Sorry, still a bit tired from last night. I thought maybe you'd like to talk?" — "Talk?", there was an obvious confusion rushing over Lucy's face, "I mean, I like talking to you but what exactly do you mean?" Keira was a bit surprised.
At first she thought that Lucy was just playing dumb but when she registered the confusion on the brunette's face, she understood. Lucy didn't remember. Fuck. So she couldn't just start this whole thing with randomly talking about her feelings for the brunette.
"I'm talking about the pictures obviously. Did you see them? I think Leah sent them in the group chat, didn't she?" It took a few seconds for Lucy to understand what Keira was talking about. The pictures. Right.
Obviously Lucy had seen the pictures of her and Keira but honestly she didn't really think about it. There had been some moments between the two of them the last few months but neither of them tried to talk to the other about it before, so Lucy just decided to ignore it again this time. It confused her that Keira suddenly wanted to talk about what had happened.
Was there something that Lucy was missing from last night? She tried to remember but couldn't quite put two and two together. There had to be important things she couldn't remember.
"Yeah, I saw them. You can come inside if you like." Still a bit confused, Lucy stepped aside so Keira could come inside the apartment before closing the door after her. "There's some fresh lemonade in the fridge, just serve yourself. I'll be back in a minute." The ginger haired nodded softly following Lucy with her eyes as she went back to her bathroom.
It seemed like the brunette had absolutely no clue why Keira wanted to talk to her and it scared her even more. Maybe she should've just ignored it but Keira couldn't hide the feelings inside of her anymore, not after being this close to Lucy last night. Not after almost kissing her in the middle of some random club in Barcelona.
Meanwhile Lucy tried hard to remember anything about last night. When she saw the pictures in the morning, she just laughed it off, but the fact that Keira suddenly stood in front of her apartment wanting to talk about what had happened scared the brunette.
Did she ruin things with Keira? Did she do something stupid? She couldn't remember a thing and it really sucked.
The brunette tried to stay calm. Taking a deep breath, she fumbled with her contact lenses in front of the mirror and searched for her shirt and some pair of shorts after, before returning to the living room where Keira was sitting on the couch.
"No lemonade today?" Normally Keira loved her self made raspberry-lemonade more than anything and Lucy always tried to make it when she knew Keira was coming. "No thanks, I don't feel like it today, I'm sorry. I definitely drank too much last night." Lucy nodded and sat down next to the ginger haired.
"Wait — before you say something. I absolutely remember nothing about last night. And I definitely didn't have control over myself. So if I did or said something wrong, just tell me right away. I didn't mean it but I just want to know, okay?" Keira sighed. She didn't exactly know what she was supposed to do now.
Why had she even wanted to go to Lucy's apartment in the first place? Did she really expect Lucy to just open up completely so that they could finally talk about their feelings? After all, it was still Lucy.
Suddenly, Keira felt incredibly dumb. It was obvious that the brunette didn't feel the same way. Otherwise she would remember for sure.
As Keira didn't say anything for some moments, Lucy decided to speak up again to loosen up the situation a bit. "But honestly, I think it's pretty funny that people really think we are dating after these pictures." She couldn't hide a laugh and in the same moment Keira felt her heart shatter into a thousand pieces.
Still, she managed to answer something, even if it was just a small "Why?" — "What do you mean?" Lucy gave her a confused look and Keira just shrugged her shoulders while looking down at her hands. "Would there be a problem if we were? Dating, I mean?" — "Keira, what are you talking about?"
The ginger haired didn't know what to do anymore. She felt herself at the edge, risking to completely reveal her feelings if she continued talking. But nether the less she couldn't stop. She didn't want to stop. It was too late now. Her voice was trembling when she spoke up again.
"What are you talking about? I know, you remember absolutely nothing about last night, but there were moments before. Moments between us. I just don't know what to feel anymore. I can't control it. Yesterday, it seemed like there was the possibility you feel the same way about me. We were so close and you were looking at me with those eyes and I just don't know what this is. But I need to know. What is this? I'm tired of always dancing around each other."
The whole time, Keira stared down and when she finally dared to look up again after a few seconds of silence, Lucy was just staring at her. There were so many different emotions in her eyes but Keira didn't succeed to analyze them all.
It seemed like the brunette didn't know what to say at first but then she cleared her throat and tried to form some words, "This is not... I mean... I'm sorry. This is not what I wanted." What was that supposed to mean?
Keira gulped but continued looking at the brunette. She wanted answers and she would definitely get some of them now. "This is not what you wanted? Me falling in love with you?" There it was.
A sudden relief came washing over her after finally saying what had been built up inside Keira for months. For years. But there was also some sort of anger building up deep inside of the ginger haired girl. She suddenly felt like Lucy had just been playing with her feelings all these weeks.
"Well, guess what, it happened anyway and—" Lucy cut her off sharply and it felt like with those sharp words she was able to cut Keira's heart in half, "—You need to stop talking, please. Listen to me first. This isn't going to work, Keira. I don't want a relationship."
The slight anger turned into even greater confusion. Keira didn't understand anything anymore, it felt like she had completely lost the thread. She had no clue what Lucy was trying to tell her. "What do you mean?"
The brunette buried her face inside her hands trying to hide the sudden fear which would've been definitely noticeable in her eyes as Keira knew her far too well. She gulped hard knowing that she had to do this right now. Never did she want to hurt Keira. This had been the last thing she'd wanted to happen.
Everything felt like a big mess. Lucy completely fucked it up this time. This was exactly why she normally didn't let her feelings take control over her.
"Look, Keira, this isn't going to work. It's no secret that I fancy you. You'd have to be blind not to see that. You're absolutely gorgeous. But I'm not one for commitment, okay? I don't want a relationship. I just can't do that." — "So you played me?" Keira felt a hot burn behind her eyes and she knew that there were tears fighting their way to the surface.
"I didn't mean to, I promise. I've never wanted to hurt you. We've known each other for such a long time, I would never want to destroy what we have. But I've always been like this, it doesn't matter who comes my way, I'm definitely not going for something serious and I don't want to shove you right into this mess with me." The ginger haired struggled, but she was at a loss for words.
Not a single word found its way out of Keira's mouth, her throat resembled a desert and she had no clue how she was going to react. Lucy indeed felt the same way about her. However, it wasn't enough. She had never intended to take a step toward Keira. She had only played with her feelings.
Lucy was right, they've known each other for what felt like forever. The feelings had always been there slightly but somehow they'd turned more intense the last months since they've transferred to Barcelona together. And obviously Keira knew that Lucy had never been the type for commitment. She never had a serious relationship since they've know each other.
But still, there had been something inside of Keira that wished for Lucy to change. For her. Which was absolutely insane.
"I'm sorry" was all that Keira could think about right now. She didn't want Lucy to see her cry, so she decided to leave immediately. As she was about to stand up, the brunette softly grabbed her hand, "No need to be sorry. I'm sorry. This shouldn't have happened, I should've controlled myself better and I'm so sorry that I gave you completely wrong signals. I really like you, this has nothing to do with you, okay? You're great, Keira. You're amazing. It's just me. It's not you." — "You really don't need to do this right now. It's okay, I guess. I think I'll go now."
Lucy felt her heart shatter at how sad Keira sounded. She noticed that the ginger haired avoided her gaze and could only guess what emotions were reflected in her eyes. Perhaps it was better not to be able to see them. It was all entirely Lucy's fault.
"I understand, but please, I don't want anything to change between us, okay? You're so important to me, you've got such a big impact on my life. Let's stay friends, alright?" Keira nodded softly even though she didn't really register what Lucy was saying. All she was doing in that moment was focusing on not to start crying right away.
As soon as Lucy let her hand go, Keira was standing up. Without saying another word she left, leaving a completely devastated Lucy behind. For the first time in ages, the brunette thought about if she'd made the right decision by ignoring her feelings and rejecting the ginger haired.
It didn't take long for her to realize that it had been in fact not the right decision.
But it was too late now and Lucy knew that she had to deal with the consequences of her actions. Obviously she'd hurt Keira in a way no one deserved to be hurt and there was probably no way for them to go back to normal.
They were ruined and Lucy couldn't fight the insufferable hurt slowly fighting its way deep inside her heart.