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You didn’t need to know Damiano to know he was doing badly. Not that anyone could blame him. He’d just lost a six year relationship bordering on marriage. He’d poured years of his life into this, felt a real connection, had a house and kids cats. And now it was just gone. He understood, of course. He knew he wasn’t perfect and that his constant touring was difficult to cope with. He wasn’t angry, just.
Lost.
But the show must go on. There were always more concerts to do, more photos to post, more fans to pretend not to be slightly creeped out by. Always so busy, always a new city, he’d probably leave him too .
He just had to get through a few stadium shows and he could lock himself away to rot where he belonged.
Except Vic wasn’t about to let him. He could practically feel her eyes on him at all times, watching to make sure he didn’t break before she could really get her hands on him. She was probably timing how long he spent in the bathroom again, a habit picked up in their early days when she caught on to his less than healthy coping mechanisms. He didn’t need her to watch him. He knew better than to pull anything while they were working. But maybe it helped her, just doing something until she had the chance to really sit down with him.
The days came and went in a blur of buses, planes, and too many faces. Barely eating, chainsmoking, and letting Vic drag him out to parties where he shut his mind down. Before he knew it they were wrapping up their last gig and (he could hardly believe it) starting a real, actual break. Which meant he couldn’t hide anymore. Immediately after leaving the stage, Vic was already grabbing him by the arm.
“Why don’t we kick off our rest and relaxation together at my place?”
It was a simple enough question, with an undertone of promise to it. But to Damiano it felt like a death threat. Her tone seemed playful, he could see a smile in her eyes, but he just couldn’t trust her.
“Maso and Ethan are already coming, we’d hate to leave you out,” she winked. Okay, maybe this was just about releasing some tension. He gave a stiff nod, hoping she hadn’t caught the depth of his hesitancy, and let her drag him away through the back rooms of the stadium so they could change into something more comfortable. Awkward as it was, she wouldn’t let go of his hand as they traded the remaining shreds of their stage costumes for t-shirts and sweats, only enough to let him pull his arm through the sleeve.
Maybe she understood. He didn’t want to be alone but he couldn’t talk about it either. He continued his silence, but more comfortably now. No longer from a fear of the damn breaking and now because there was nothing he had to say.
The car ride to Vic’s apartment was equally quiet, all four of them too drained and far too used to each other to have anything to talk about. Thomas dozed off against Ethan’s shoulder while Vic still maintained her gentle but steady grip on Damiano’s hand. They were there for him, for each other. Always.
It was well past midnight by the time they stumbled through Vic’s door, dispersing to fill their various immediate needs. Vic went to start on some coffee to keep them all conscious enough for at least one solid fuck, Ethan excused himself to the bathroom momentarily, and Thomas made a beeline to flop on Vic’s massive bed.
Which left Damiano standing alone and lost in the doorway, mind completely blank until Vic pushed an espresso cup into his hand. He took it gratefully, needing the energy boost to not collapse completely. Ethan soon joined them and the three followed Thomas’s example, coffee abandoned as they realized nothing would happen tonight. Instead of whatever healing sex magic Vic originally had planned, the four simply worked themselves into a comfortable pile in bed. There would be plenty of time for wrecking each other in the weeks to come. For now, they could rest surrounded by the love they had always shared.
Damiano woke up in much the same way he had fallen asleep, head resting on Ethan’s chest with Vic half crushing him to death. Thomas was cuddled up under the other half of Vic, still completely out cold while the others were starting to float into consciousness. Ethan was the first to attempt moving, gently shifting out from under Damiano so he could get started on setting them up for the day. The eternal mom friend, Damiano guessed he was probably going to go set out coffee and breakfast before coming to drag each of them out of bed. To his surprise, Ethan did pause before getting to work, turning back from the door to gently kiss Damiano’s forehead. Damiano smiled despite himself, trying to let go of the pain and exhaustion of the past months and just let himself be loved by the people who had always been there for him. He shifted in Vic’s massive bed (ordered special to fit all four of them), gently sliding out from underneath Victoria so he could sit up slightly.
Vic lifted her own head, smiling sleepily up at him.
“Feeling any better?”
It was a simple question but took effort to answer. Superficially, yes, it was much better to wake up somewhere resembling home surrounded by love than in a random hotel room. But on a deeper level? He felt much the same as he had. Maybe marginally better, less alone and afraid, but still in so much pain.
So he shrugged.
Vic frowned, reaching up to brush the hair out of her face.
“Don’t worry, baby, we’re gonna take care of you. Promise,” she assured him, letting her hand rest gently on his. On her other side, Thomas rolled over and wrapped his arms around her, probably still asleep but slowly ( very slowly) coming around. The three of them lay there in comfortable silence, enjoying the fact they didn’t have to get up or be anywhere or talk to anyone for weeks. They could stay right there for as long as they wanted. Or at least until Ethan came to drag them all out to eat. Which happened to be only a few minutes later. One by one they stumbled out of bed and into the living room, in varying states of undress and annoyance. Breakfast was nothing fancy, just some hot coffee, tea for Damiano, cereal, and some bacon that was miraculously still good from the last time they’d spent a night at home.
The silence held as they ate, with the exception of a few quick thank yous for Ethan, selflessly leaving the cuddle pile to keep them all alive. Food finished, Thomas decided to take initiative and be the one to clean up, leaving Damiano alone with Vic and Ethan.
Who seemed to be thinking the same thing.
With a slight nod to Ethan, Vic began to speak.
“Damià, how are you feeling? Really?” She let the question hang in the air. It felt like an accusation. Like he had been ruining their good time with his feelings, like they were putting everything on hold because he couldn’t deal with the idea of someone not needing him. He didn’t answer.
Ethan’s turn to try.
“You’re not in trouble.”
Oh. Damiano managed to look up, holding eye contact with Ethan.
“No one is mad at you. This isn’t an intervention. We just want to help, because we love you.”
“You’ve been going through something that would be brutal for anyone without any time to process it or even figure out how you feel. We’re not trying to make you feel any worse, we just want to know how to make things better,” Vic added. Just then, Thomas appeared in the doorway to the kitchen to chime in with his own support:
“I’m not going to pretend it hasn’t kind of been a bummer how sad you’ve been this whole time but it’s not like any of us hold it against you. It’s normal to be fucked up right now. You’re allowed to feel like shit.”
Damiano still had nothing to say, sinking further and further into himself, barely even hearing the others. He was only snapped out of it by Vic gently lifting his chin with her hand.
“If you don’t want to talk about it we’re not going to make you. Just…let us take care of you?” her tone shifted, suggesting a distraction much more agreeable than group therapy. Really anything would be better than trying to talk about his feelings right now but he definitely wasn’t opposed to some…attention. He gave Vic a soft nod, some of the tension easing out of his body and her eyes shone in response.
“Okay sweetheart, Thomas is gonna get you nice and clean and me and Ethan will make the bed comfortable for you,” her voice changed again, falling into the dominant, condescending personality he always found so comforting. She kissed his cheek and let Thomas lead him off to the bathroom.
As Thomas got the water running, hot enough to sting but not hurt, Damiano tried to let go of himself. He was safe here, with people who quite literally could not leave him. He started sinking into subspace instead of his own spiral of self doubt. He barely registered Thomas gently stripping him, kissing his hair, face, and neck all the while. The water came as a shock when he was pushed into it, but he quickly found it felt more like his obsessive worries were being washed away along with the remains of last night’s sweat and makeup. Thomas was gentle. Dominance was never his forte and it was only with instruction and training from Vic that he had been able to build himself into the softest of doms for special occasions like this. He took his time deep cleaning Damiano, with extra breaks to massage the tension out of his back and shoulders. Damiano knew he was being spoiled beyond measure today, and it warmed him a little to know how much his loves cared about rebuilding his self image. Or the closest thing he still had to one.
In the months before the end he had put so much effort into matching what he thought the world wanted from him, he wasn’t really sure who he was anymore. He just didn’t like what he did see. Maybe it was time to figure out who the fuck Damiano David was instead of trying to create him.
He had to fight back a teasing comment when Thomas insisted on running his hand over the fuzzy ends of his hair. This wasn’t the time to be bratty, he should be grateful, not compare Thomas’s moment of fun with Ethan’s weird fixation on his shaved head. Maybe that should go, too. He missed how pretty he used to feel. Really, no one had been stopping him but himself and his own perfectionism. When Thomas shut off the water and helped to dry him off, he felt like he could breathe for the first time in months. He let himself be taken back to Vic’s bedroom in a daze, warm and fuzzy feelings taking over his brain for now.
On the bed were three dresses, the yellow plaid one that he’d fallen in love with what seemed now like lifetimes ago, a puffy pink number somewhere between Barbie and fairy princess, and a tight black lace piece short enough to kill his mother at the very thought of it.
Vic took him gently by the face, holding a soft but firm eye contact.
“You can be whatever you want tonight, baby. It’s your choice.”
Whatever he wanted. Not what would sell, not what would make a good headline, not what fans were begging for. He got to choose for himself. His mind gravitated towards the pink dress. Not too short, not too long, feminine and soft and pretty and everything he missed being. Vic smiled gently.
“You want to be our little princess?”
He nodded, this decision, however small, the most sure he’d felt about anything in a long time. He felt hands on him, Thomas pulling the dress down over his head, helping him into it so he wouldn’t have to think even the tiniest bit about anything. They were here to take care of him, he could let go.
Vic pushed him back onto the bed, into a veritable mountain of pillows she and Ethan had piled to keep him propped up while they worked. Slowly, gently, she eased up the skirt of his dress.
“Okay if I sit here, babygirl?” she whispered in his ear. He only blushed in response, but they’d been doing this long enough for that to be an answer. At least this time. This wasn’t really about getting off anyway, just being close to each other. As Vic lowered herself onto him, he could hear Ethan digging through the dresser for something, emerging a minute later with a handful of Vic’s favorite makeup. This really was a special occasion if they were allowed to use her hidden stash. Vic shifted in her place to create enough room for Ethan to work, which also helped to break Damiano down further into the desperate mess they loved him as.
They worked as a team, as they always did. Vic moved just enough to keep Damiano grounded and in the moment while Ethan did his best to do some light makeup, even if it wasn’t his strong suit. This wasn’t about it looking perfect, they just wanted him to feel pretty. While they worked, Thomas held Damiano steady, pressing light kisses anywhere he could reach, to remind him that no matter what happened he would always be theirs. They would always love him and each other.
When Ethan finished (and put things away, good boy that he was), they all stopped. It was just the four of them, silently existing in each others’ space, connected in ways they’d never be able to define. Until Vic broke the silence, once again asserting her place as the one ultimately in control.
“How do you feel princess?”
Damiano smiled, dizzy with endorphins.
“Like a princess.”
“Are you ready to talk?”
That was a harder question. He didn’t want to ruin this moment by venting, but he knew the whole point was to make him feel safe enough to do so.
“I just. Don’t know what happened. Yeah things weren’t perfect but they never are. It felt like it came out of nowhere and I just don’t know what to do with myself now.”
They all paused for a second, trying to think of anything they remembered that might have set Giorgia off.
“Can I say something that might hurt?” Ethan asked
Damiano just barely nodded.
“Maybe nothing happened. Sometimes it’s just not what someone needs right now. I don’t think there’s anything serious that you did wrong, it just didn’t work out.”
“I don’t think she has anything against you. You’ve got really different lives and that doesn’t work for some people.” Thomas chimed in.
“You are beautiful and sweet and passionate and caring and a good person, Damià. We know that, she knows that, and I hope that somewhere in there you know that,” Vic leaned forward to cuddle him, cueing the others to join in.
“We know it’s hard and it’s not fair that you’ve had to do so much work this whole time instead of being able to let yourself feel anything. But we’re here and we always will be if you ever need anything, okay baby?”
Damiano nodded, burying his face into her shoulder and letting himself be once again physically crushed by the love he had ignored all summer. He was still hurt, and would be for who knows how long, but it felt more manageable now that he wasn’t so alone. And maybe they were right. Maybe he wasn’t an awful person or unlovable or any of the things his head had worked so hard to convince him of. Maybe he just wasn’t the right thing for her right now. He could live with that.
They lay like that for what could have been hours, just enjoying being around each other with no pressure and no work. After a while, though, Damiano did have to nudge his way out of the pile to change into something more comfortable. The dress was gorgeous and all but not something that felt nice to keep on forever. He cast a quick look at his notifications and was surprised to see a text from Giorgia.
[Saw you’re in town. Want to come visit the kids? (You can bring everyone if it makes you more comfortable)]
Yeah. He’d be alright.