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Deep in the bowels of an ancient castle, two teenagers slowly descended a staircase. Their frightening journey was accompanied by the sound of faint footsteps... and quiet laughter.
“Hmm hmm... heh... hey, Butt-Head, you sure we came through the right portal?”
“Uhhh... yeah, why?”
“Well, umm, there's all this... weird frog stuff here... and these uh, creepy animals.”
Floating above the teenagers were strange creatures, illuminated despite the darkness around them, as if generating their own light sources. The brown-haired boy looked up at them and laughed again, then turned to his blonde partner and gave him an annoyed glare.
“Of course we're in the right place, goth chicks love this kind of stuff.”
The brown haired boy then took a picture out of his pocket, holding it up for his friend to see. The picture showed a pale-skinned woman with long, black hair. They had no way of knowing that their photo was outdated and that the woman now looked very different from the photo, and they'd both spent a lot of time with it, especially in the back of Tom Anderson's trailer... Tom Anderson having recently moved to Gravesfield a few months after Beavis and Butt-head had done so, discovering their presence much to his shock and dismay.
“That Luz chick said that Lilith lives in a weird portal, and that's where we went.”
“...really?” asked Beavis, looking slightly confused. “Um, I thought we just went through a really weird door or something.”
“Shut up, Beavis. We're gonna find Lilith, and then we're gonna score.”
“Yeah!” Beavis shouted excitedly. “We're gonna score with a hot old goth chick!”
The two reached the bottom of the stairs, and were now standing in front of a large stone slab with an extremely strange pattern of eight ornate snakeheads forming the spokes of a wheel.
“Now help me get this thing open, butthole,” Butt-head ordered, grabbing the left side of the slab.
“Heh heh, oh yeah.”
The two boys grabbed the stone slab, and after a half a minute of grunting and exertion, managed to slide it all the way open. They entered the next chamber, and before them was a large laboratory filled with machinery, in the center of which was a floating tank containing an unconscious girl hooked up to numerous machines and devices. The two marveled at the room as they stepped inside, believing they'd walked onto the set of a heavy metal music video.
“Cool,” Butt-head uttered, before starting to laugh again.
“Oooh, look, Butt-head, she's kinda cute!” said Beavis, pointing to the girl floating inside the tank. “But uh, looks like she's too busy swimming to notice me. Should I go talk to her?”
“Whatever, dude,” said Butt-head. “I bet this is where they shot that music video for Metallica.”
“Yeah, uh... um, it looks like the kind of place where you'd talk to the devil. You know, make a deal with him and stuff,” said Beavis, looking around and laughing to himself as well.
“You should go ask him for something,” said Butt-head, gesturing toward one of the machines.
“Oh yeah!” Beavis said excitedly, pumping his fists as he walked close to the tank where the girl was floating. “Let's see, um... uh... I want, uh, a million dollars... and... some nachos. ...oh! And, uh, some chicks! Yeah, some chicks!”
Nothing happened, and Beavis slumped his shoulders in disappointment. He turned to Butt-head, who was busy messing around with one of the other machines in the room.
“Hey Butt-head, nothing's happening!”
“Uh... I think it needs a, uh, virgin sacrifice or something,” said Butt-head, randomly pressing a few buttons and causing a strange looking chair to pop up out of the floor.
“Oh... where are we gonna find one of those?”
Butt-head looked at the girl floating in the tank, then at Beavis... then back at the girl, then at Beavis again... then back at the girl.
“Uh....uhhh... heheh... heh... uh... how 'bout you?”
Butt-head suddenly grabbed Beavis and threw him into the chair, causing the straps on the arms and legs to activate and locking Beavis in. Sirens began to sound, and a large, black creature emerged from the ceiling, blinking its large orange eyes and then looking at Beavis as if to silently scream '...him?'
“Hey, what the hell?!” Beavis shouted, squirming in the chair as Butt-head continued mashing more buttons and pulling more levers.
“Heh heh, this rules...”
As Butt-head continued working the machine, various tubes began hooking themselves up to Beavis, and a helmet slowly descended from above. All the while, the large many-eyed creature seemed to be panicking, but was powerless to stop the idiotic teen as he kept randomly hammering away.
“Lemme go, asswipe!” Beavis continued to protest as the helmet was lowered over his face. “I'm not a virgin, I've scored lots of times!”
“Yeah right, dude, who have you scored with?” Butt-head asked him, pulling another lever on the machine.
“You know, that chick from uh.... and that hot girl at the... c'mon, lemme outta this thing! You're a virgin too, why don't you get in the chair?”
“Uhhh... because I'm over here?”
Butt-head pressed one final button, and with a powerful jolt, the machine activated, downloading the data of thousands of Newtopian ancestors into Beavis' mind. Beavis screamed in agony and jolted around in the chair, prompting more laughter from Butt-head as he watched the terrifying display.
“...whoa,” Butt-head uttered, transfixed as the Core was forcibly inserted into Beavis' mind through the helmet. It was the most metal thing he'd ever witnessed in his life.
Finally, Beavis' screams ceased, and the boy slumped in the chair. The machine stopped, and Butt-head was left to witness the results as the huge orange-eyed creature went motionless, its eyes all going black as the huge assembly fell to the ground. For a moment, everything was silent, and Butt-head blinked before starting to laugh again.
“Heh heh, that was cool."
Then, Beavis raised his head, and the helmet lit up with bright orange eyes, blinking. Butt-head, impressed by the display, stepped forward to claim his prize.
“Uh... can I like, have a million dollars or something?” he asked, believing that his virgin sacrifice had been a success. Beavis blinked several more times, jerking his head around unnaturally before finally starting to speak, in a slightly altered voice that was still unmistakably his.
“...I am Cornholio!” shouted Beavis. “I need TP for my bunghole!”
“Awww, dammit, Beavis, quit screwing around,” said Butt-head disappointedly. “And take that stupid helmet off, you look like a schlong.”
Beavis stood up, breaking the straps on the chair as he did so, taking a few awkward steps toward Butt-head before pointing a finger at him.
“Are you threatening me?” Beavis demanded, his altered voice now sporting a vaguely Mexican accent. “Are you threatening the accumulated bungholes of a thousand years?”
Beavis then began to shake violently, speaking in tongues as his head continued to jerk around. Butt-head looked awkwardly around the room for something else to play around with, just as a large, angry looking newt stormed into the room.
“What is happening?!” shouted King Andrias, looking at Marcy and then at the two teenagers screwing around in his underground laboratory... one of them having just downloaded the entire Core into his head. “Oh, dear frog, NO!”
“Uh... we're not frogs, dude,” said Butt-head, pointing at the wall where murals of frogs were etched into the stone. “But you sure do seem to like jerking off to 'em, heh heh.”
“What have you done?” shouted Andrias, storming over to Beavis and looking down at him. “Is that... is that the Core?!”
“I am Core-...nholio!” Beavis shouted, hesitating for a moment before jerking his head to the side and continuing to speak. “And you are intruding upon my bunghole! You must pay for your transgression in TP! ...heeheeheehee hmmhmhmhm... TP...”
“No... no, his stupidity must have overridden the collective hive mind!” shouted Andrias in despair, dropping to his knees as he realized that his father and all the other great minds of Newtopia were now hopelessly imprisoned in the brain of a deranged idiot. “All the collected knowledge of the ancients, lost forever to this... human imbecile!”
“All the collected TP... bring it to Cornholio! Collect it and bring it here! ...hmmhmm...!”
As Andrias continued to fret and Beavis continued pacing in circles, the orange eyes on his helmet blinking in time with his mumbling, Butt-head continued to mess with the various machines, though with the Core having already been downloaded into Beavis' mind, most of them were useless. Andrias looked sadly at Beavis, reaching out to him with tears in his eyes.
“...father?” he called out faintly, hoping to at least save one mind from its current prison. Beavis turned to him, looking down and putting his hands on his hips.
“I am Cornholio! I am your father! Join me, and together, we can rule the almighty bunghole! Hm hm... heeheehee... join me... and bring TP... hee hee...”
“All that work... all that planning... ruined!” Andrias shouted, as Butt-head came over and looked at him.
“Sucks to be you, dude,” he said, before starting to laugh.
“I had plans for world domination, and you two... idiots showed up and completely wrecked 'em!” Andrias continued, his anger causing him to momentarily drop his formal pattern of speaking.
“Heh heh... you said 'rectum',” Butt-head replied with a laugh, prompting a harsh glare from Andrias. “...know where I can score with some chicks?”
“I most certainly do not,” said the Newtopian king, rising to his feet and doing his best to maintain his dignity. The Core might've been downloaded into the wrong mind, but at the very least, it could still serve his purposes if he could somehow get it to cooperate with him. “...Cornholio, is it?”
“I am Cornholio, do you want to see my portfolio?” asked Beavis, before gyrating his head and body in strange ways that were only slightly due to the Core's influence. “It lists my bunghole! Heh heh... bunghole!”
“...this... 'bunghole', is that what you humans call a cloaca?” Andrias replied, shuddering with slight disgust.
“Cloaca!” Beavis repeated, shaking and laughing. “Cloaca... heartbreaka... undataka... hmm hmm, heehee... milkshaka!!!”
“Yes, and you said you needed... 'TP', that is... toilet paper, I'm guessing?”
“TP! TP for my bunghole! You will bow down and serve my bunghole!”
Beavis then continued pacing around, singing and shouting the word 'bunghole' repeatedly as Andrias looked on and tried not to cry at what his great ancestors had become. He sighed, putting his hand to his forehead and shaking his head before taking a deep breath and resolving himself to give this... 'Cornholio' whatever it wanted, in the hope that his father and the other great minds of Amphibia were still in there somewhere.
“I'm going to go and get this... 'TP' for you, as much as you want. After that, we can talk about our plans to conquer the multiverse!”
“We will conquer the bunghole! With TP! Because I have a bunghole! Heeheehee...”
Andrias walked over to the music box and created a portal to Earth, finding the first store he could that sold toilet paper. As he prepared to slide through the portal, he turned to Butt-head, who was about to mess around with yet another of his machines.
“I'll be back soon, so don't touch anything!”
“No promises, dude,” Butt-head replied, laughing as Andrias went through the portal.
O-O-O
Andrias emerged outside of a large superstore, not bothering to disguise himself as a human before entering. He didn't care if the people inside freaked out, he just wanted to get what he came for and get back to his palace before the two human teenagers caused any more damage. He never imagined a group of humans could be more of a problem for him than those three girls, but Beavis and Butt-head made them look like a mild nuisance, and the less time he had to spend in here, the better.
Fortunately, despite his strange looks, he wasn't much stranger than a lot of the other humans in the store, some of them with girth to rival his. He managed to navigate his way to the toilet paper, seeing dozens of packages on the shelf and picking up as many as he could.
“...this is what humans use to wipe their posteriors? Honestly, so undignified...” the king muttered to himself. “I'm glad Marcy spared me from some of these details...”
As Andrias gathered every roll of toilet paper on the aisle, one of the people nearby pointed at him and let out a loud yell. For a moment, Andrias thought he'd finally been identified as a newt, and prepared to defend himself... but rather than point out his otherworldly appearance, the human was upset for an entirely different reason.
“Hey!” shouted the human, in a rather thick country accent. “This greedy jerk's buyin' all the toilet paper!”
“Ain't no damn way you're gonna take all of it, save some for the rest of us!”
“Ya hoardin' son of a bitch!”
As Andrias started to walk away, one of the humans pulled out a gun.
“Put that damn toilet paper down now!”
“Sir, I need this toilet paper for a very important-”
“Get 'im!”
The human who'd taken out his gun began to fire, and several more people took out their guns as well. Andrias attempted to deploy a robot drone, but the gunfire took down the drone and hit Andrias in several places. Fortunately for him, his thick skin and large body kept him from sustaining much injury, but the gunshots were starting to add up, and he soon realized he needed to get to the portal. He ran as fast as he could, carrying all the toilet paper in his arms, as more than two dozen angry people chased after him, all of them shooting.
“...these humans are insane!”
Andrias barely made it back to the portal with his life, collapsing to the floor and dropping the accumulated toilet paper to the ground. As he did so, panting for breath and groaning in pain, he looked up and could see that the two teenagers had been joined by some new guests.
“King Andrias?” exclaimed Yunan, blinking at the collapsed king laying in the middle of a giant pile of toilet paper. “What in frog's name?!”
Andrias blinked at the sight before him... Yunan was seated in the center of the room next to Olivia, and Marcy, having been pulled out of the tank by Butt-head shortly after Andrias had left for the human realm, was with them. Butt-head was seated next to Marcy, and next to him was Beavis, still hooked up to the Core and still muttering bunghole-related gibberish, even as Marcy tried her best to conduct a game of Creatures and Caverns while recovering from her stupor.
“Here... is your... toilet paper...” Andrias gasped, barely caring about the fact that Marcy had just been freed. Beavis looked over at him, orange eyes widening at the offering that had just been delivered.
“Oooh... TP!”
“Hold on there, Cornholio,” said Marcy, reaching over and turning Beavis' helmeted head back to face her. “You still need to make your last combat roll...”
“Am I rolling for bunghole circumference?” Beavis asked, eagerly taking the dice from Marcy.
“Uhh.... this isn't that kind of game,” Marcy replied, recoiling slightly. “You're just rolling to see how much damage you do to the goblin...”
“I target his bunghole!” shouted Beavis, before throwing the dice on the ground.
“Um, sure!” said Marcy, before examining the dice. “Oh my... that goblin won't be sitting down for a while. Or... ever again, really.”
Marcy then turned to Andrias, narrowing her eyes at him as he started to stand.
“And you! Attacking Anne and Sasha, stabbing me... I thought we were friends!”
“Yeah, dude, I thought we were friends,” said Butt-head, glaring at Andrias. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
He then turned to Marcy.
“Wait, you got stabbed?”
“Um, yeah,” said Marcy, clutching her arms across her chest and shuddering at the memory.
“...cool!”
Andrias just sighed, not out of guilt for what he did to Marcy, but out of despair. His plans of multiversal domination were clearly ruined. His father's mind was now forever trapped inside the head of a teenage idiot, and his most loyal subjects, Yunan and Olivia, had clearly turned against him. He looked around at the walls... even his security devices had been destroyed, no doubt by Butt-head's nonstop meddling with the controls. He looked over at Beavis again... who was now tossing rolls of toilet paper around, holding them up as if they were priceless artifacts.
“So much TP... heehee! I don't know what to do with myself!”
“Uh.... maybe wipe your bunghole?” Butt-head told him.
“...oh yeah, hmm hmm!” said Beavis, before reaching down to pull down his pants. Before he could, Olivia grabbed him by the wrist, staving off her fear of whatever that thing on his head was out of fear of a far more unpleasant sight.
“Oh no, no no no, we're not going to be doing that,” Olivia scolded.
“Uhhh... can I do you?” Beavis asked, causing Olivia to sigh.
“King Andrias, you are hereby under arrest,” said Olivia, turning to face Andrias along with Yunan. “General Yunan, take this mad king into custody.”
Normally, Andrias would've fought back... but as defeated as he was, he didn't resist as Yunan slapped a pair of shackles on his wrists. She and Olivia led him away, and Butt-head watched as the two led the defeated king out of the room.
“He's gonna score,” said Butt-head, before starting to laugh again. He then turned to Beavis, grabbing the large cord that connected the helmet to the Core. “And take that thing off your head, dumbass.”
Butt-head ripped the cord out of the helmet, forcing the Core completely out of Beavis' mind. Beavis jerked around a bit before falling over, and Marcy looked worried as the helmet fell off him while he lay on the ground.
“...is he gonna be okay?” asked Marcy, putting her hands up to her mouth.
“Uhhh.... I dunno,” Butt-head replied. The two looked at Beavis as he lay on the floor for more than a minute, seemingly dead. Finally, Butt-head sat him up and slapped him across the face. “Wake up, dillhole.”
“Ow!” shouted Beavis, suddenly snapping to life. “What the hell did you do that for? And why's all this toilet paper sitting here?”
“Uhhhh... don't ask me, you're the one who ordered it.”
“What? No I didn't!”
The two teenagers then began slapping each other, though it was mostly just Butt-head slapping Beavis and occasionally punching him. Marcy looked on, thinking that the two somewhat reminded her of Anne and Sasha, only a lot dumber, and wondering if she should go back to Earth and look for Anne, or stay back in Amphibia and look for Sasha... or maybe she should just try her best to finish this game of Creatures and Caverns that she'd started... at least these two actually wanted to play with her.
“Hey, maybe we could go back to our game?”
The two stopped fighting and turned toward Marcy. Beavis was slightly awestruck, while Butt-head just looked at her cluelessly until finally coming up with an answer.
“Uhhhh.... okay?”
The two then sat down across from Marcy, who began describing everything that had just happened.
“So, you, Cornholio-”
“Cornholio?” replied Beavis, scratching his chin. “Um, what kinda dumb name is that?”
“It's your character's name, don't you remember? Anyway, you, Cornholio, just slashed the goblin across the... butt with your sword, doing 28 points of damage and... pretty much disemboweling him.”
“Whoa, I did that? Cool!”
“Uhhh, is he dead?” asked Butt-head.
“No, he's... just writhing in pain on the ground, screaming 'why did you slice my butt open? Whyyyyyy?!?!'” Marcy told him, doing her best anguished roleplay voice.
“...cool!”
“Yeah, heh heh, that's pretty cool,” Beavis agreed, nodding his head. “...can I cut him again?”
“Um, sure, but-”
“I wanna cut him again! Heh heh heh!”
“Okay-”
“And set him on fire!”
“Your character doesn't know Fireball-”
“Fire! Fire! Heh heh heh!”
“Hmm-hmm, heh heh heh...”
And as the two teenagers started laughing, Marcy began to realize just how they'd been able to drive Andrias insane so quickly...
O-O-O
(The television is switched to an intro showing a little girl with magical energy swirling around her.)
I was a girl in a village doin' all right
Then I became a princess overnight!
(Beavis and Butt-head look at each other, then quickly change the channel.)
(The intro to “Bluey” begins to play, showing the dog family all dancing together.)
Butt-head: This sucks, Beavis, change the channel again.
Beavis: No, no, no, wait, this is “Bluey”, this show rules.
Mum!
Butt-head: Wait... what?
Beavis: Yeah, this is a good show.
Butt-head: ...ugh, Beavis, you dumbass. First BTS, now this?
Dad!
Beavis: No, this is really good, Butt-head, you'll like it.
Butt-head: Dammit, turn it off!
Beavis: Wait, no, the mom is hot!
Butt-head: ...Beavis, she's a dog.
Beavis: Um, heh heh... uh, she's got a hot accent. She's Australian, like that hot surfer chick, remember?
Bingo!
Butt-head: Beavis, I know you're desperate to score, but this is a new low.
Beavis: Chilli is... she's a classy woman, Butt-head. She works airport security.
Butt-head: What, like sniffing for drugs?
Beavis: Um...
Butt-head: And sniffing butts?
Beavis: Um... sniffing butts is cool.
Butt-head: Gimme the remote or I'll kick your ass.
Bluey!
(The channel is changed again, and we see Pepa Madrigal scolding her husband and Mirabel.)
We don't talk about Bruno, no no no!
Butt-head: Uhhh... wasn't this song #1?
Beavis: Yeah! Just like BTS!
Butt-head: Beavis, I'm going to punch you in the schlong.
We don't talk about Brunooooo.... but!
Beavis: We don't talk about Bruno's butt?
Butt-head: We're talking about it right now, heh heh.
Beavis: Yeah! Bruno's butt! Hmm hmm, heh!
It was my wedding day! (It was our wedding day!)
We were getting ready and there wasn't a cloud in the sky! (No clouds allowed in the sky!)
Bruno walks in with a mischievous grin! (Thunder!)
Butt-head: Cool!
Beavis: Yeah, Bruno kicks ass!
Are you telling this story, or am I? (I'm sorry mi vida, go on)
Butt-head: Heh heh, that guy just does whatever she says.
Beavis: Uhhh... that kinda reminds me of someone...
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis.
Beavis: Heh heh, okay.
(Pepa and Felix start to dance in the storm as the song continues.)
Bruno says “it looks like rain” (why did he tell us?)
In doing so, he floods my brain (Abuela, get the umbrellas)
Married in a hurricane! (What a joyous day, but anyway!)
Beavis: Whoa! Sounds like he just made their wedding um... less boring, hmm hmm.
Butt-head: Yeah, weddings suck. I wish I could cause storms and floods at weddings.
Beavis: Heh heh, yeah, that would be cool.
We don't talk about Bruno, no no no
We don't talk about Brunoooooo!
(Mirabel is twirled over to Dolores, who begins to rap her verse as the song continues.)
Hey! Grew to live in fear of Bruno stuttering or stumbling
I could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling
Beavis: Heh heh, hmm hmm, heh... hmm hmm...
Butt-head: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Beavis: Hm hmm, heh...
I associate him with the sound of falling sand, ch-ch-ch
Beavis: This part of the song's pretty cool.
It's a heavy lift, with a gift so humbling
Always left Abuela and the family fumbling
Butt-head: Dolores can hear everything.
Beavis: Yeah... she can even hear people spanking the monkey, heh heh heh.
Butt-head: Yeah, that would suck, especially living with you, heh heh.
Grappling with prophecies they couldn't understand
Beavis: Yeah, she'd be hearing it all the time... 'cause, you know, she's hot, heh heh hmm hmm heh.
Do you understand?
Butt-head: She'd come to understand what those noises from my bedroom were.. heh heh heh.
(The scene suddenly shifts again, this time to Camilo's verse.)
A seven-foot frame
Rats along his back
Beavis: Huh?
Butt-head: Rats up his ass?
When he calls your name
It all fades to black
Beavis: Heh heh, no wonder no one wants to talk about him, he keeps putting rats up his butt, heh heh hmm.
Butt-head: Yeah, that's kinda messed up.
Beavis: Imagine you're just some rat, minding its own business, then some weird guy shoves you up his butt. Heh heh heh.
Yeah, he sees your dreams
And feasts on your screams
(Mirabel is frightened as she walks back and forth between Camilo and the rest of her family before walking out into town.)
Beavis: This part of the song's cool too.
We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no! (We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no!)
Butt-head: Wait, is all this stuff really happening?
Beavis: Um, I think the house is magic, Butt-head.
We don't talk about Bruno (we don't talk about Bruno!)
Butt-head: But they don't have a TV, so their house still sucks, heh heh.
He told me my fish would die
The next day: dead! (No, no!)
Beavis: Yeah, but uh, do they need TV? Um, they can see the future... and, um, hear people spanking the monkey, so isn't that, like, better than TV?
He told me I'd grow a gut!
And just like he said... (no, no!)
Butt-head: Beavis, don't ever say anything stupid like that ever again. None of that stuff is better than TV.
Beavis: Um, even “Bluey”?
Butt-head: …uh, maybe.
He said that all my hair would disappear, now look at my head (no, no! Hey!)
Your fate is sealed when your prophecy is read!
(Mirabel is left alone, until a spotlight shines on Isabela slowly coming down from above.)
Beavis: Hmm hmm, heh heh... boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
Butt-head: Heh heh, this part's my favorite.
He told me that the life of my dreams would be promised, and someday be mine
Beavis: Um... heh heh, be mine, baby, heh heh.
He told me that my power would grow, like the grapes that thrive on the vine
Butt-head: Heh heh, something's growing down there all right.
Oye, Mariano's on his way
He told me that the man of my dreams would be just out of reach
Betrothed to another
Beavis: Ummm, well, you know, there's plenty of um, fish in the sea, heh heh.
It's like I hear him now
Hey sis, I want not a sound out of you!
Butt-head: Yeah, so shut up, Beavis.
Beavis: Um, she wasn't talking to- (gets smacked) Ow, hey!
Butt-head: I can smack him again, uh, baby.
I can hear him now
Beavis: I can hear him too... shoving another rat up his butt, heh heh.
Um, Bruno...
Yeah, about that Bruno...
I really need to know about Bruno...
Butt-head: Uh, they were just telling you, dork.
Gimme the truth and the whole truth, Bruno!
Isabela, your boyfriend's here
Time for dinner!
(The song skips forward to the last part, past the part where Mirabel is putting the vision together and everyone is dancing around her, to the final verse where Mirabel is lamenting that she ever talked about Bruno in the first place.)
Don't talk about Bruno, no! (Why did I talk about Bruno?)
Beavis: You know, apart from shoving rats up his butt, this Bruno guy sounds pretty cool.
Butt-head: Yeah, I guess that's why the most popular song in the movie is about him.
Beavis: I still think Dolores should've gotten a song about how she can hear people spanking the monkey though.
Butt-head: Heh heh, that song would be cool.
Not a word about Bruno!
I never should've brought up Bruno!